| THIS IS A READ-ONLY ARCHIVE FROM THE SORABJI.COM MESSAGE BOARDS (1995-2016). |
|---|
but first: can anybody tell me why the fuck my photo is posted halfway down this page?? jeeeezis that's creepy. |
|
|
|
sarah, e-mail me... |
|
|
i've never seen that bbs in my entire life, and the only person i know in the tampa area is my (e)stranged mother, her husband, and my grandparents. that photo was taken last new years in key west, florida, while i was on vacation. |
|
and the question isn't how, but rather why? i mean, what. the. fuck. it just doesn't make any sense why someone would do that. |
|
|
just kidding. |
type random drunk guy into google image search, and your picture comes up #1. whoever's leeching your picture probably did that, and thinks a picture of a random drunk guy adds something to the conversation. almost certainly, s/he doesn't care whose picture it is. leeching pictures off other people's sites is an asshole thing to do, but if you want to have fun with it look into Apache's rewrite and referer modules. |
|
the possibilites are endless. or tell the board moderator. whatever. |
|
ooooo good ideas! nate, help me out w/ this one. |
|
well, while i'm sitting here waiting for the ex-lax to kick in, might as well get caught up around here. actually i've been having very regular, healthy, easy shits for the last week, after what seemed like a month or more of IBS. i have that appt w/ the gastro doctor next monday. i took the ex-lax to relieve the digestive bloating, since the pamprin isn't doing anything to relieve the menstrual bloating. i feel like i'm about to float away. they're gonna have to roll me out to my car after work. but i didn't really come here to write about any of that. so things are generally going really well. i'm knocking on wood as i type that. the patch is good, the buprobion is even better, and i've managed to lose most of the weight i gained over the holidays. despite that i've been drinking like a fish. i have a new friend, her name is sara. her sig other is a bartender at my favorite restaurant/bar downtown. sara moved here last august from minneapolis to be with him. they met (ahem) during sxsw a couple years ago. it's working out for them. she's the only person in the last year to whom i've told the real story of how i got to austin. even dave doesn't know the story, though he has met kevin. once. but never again. things with dave are great. i mean like what the fuck kind of great. like we laugh and have fun and hang out and do fun things all the time. and the sex is great. and when i get upset about something (only 2x in the last 3 months), i'm able to take a few days to sort it out in my mind first, and wait for a good time to bring it up. i'm learning that when it comes to conflict resolution, or any kind of sharing of meaningful feelings, timing is everything. it's like someone can come into my office five days in a row and say the same exact thing to me each time and each day i might react very differently depending on lots of factors. being in a healthy relationship for me means being sensitive to the issue of timing. i've had to fight the urge to act passive aggressively when i've felt hurt or upset by something. i've had to fight the urge to withdraw and "punish" him for something he had no idea that he did or how it affected me. instead i take time, moments over a period of several days, to think about it, feel about it, break it down, and figure out what the issue really is. very rarely is it actually about what he did, but rather about my own issues. after i figure it out, and when the timing is right, then i approach the subject. both times we've had open, honest, calm, rational talks. he's been receptive, expressive, compassionate and understanding, and after we both feel like we've come to a deeper understanding of each other. we don't fight. there is no fighting, no drama, no tensions. we've recently talked about kids. wanting, not wanting, how many, etc. tomorrow night and friday night we're going to see a band we love, saturday we're going to a Carnaval party a friend's house, and we're going to go see Mystic River on sunday. generally i stay at my place mon-thurs and at his place fri-sun, though there are exceptions. he said he feels like we've settled into each other very fast, almost too fast. those were his words. i said that implies that there's some sort of prescribed timeline. true, he said. things have changed. i pay attention to football and college basketball. he bought a yoga DVD to try in the privacy of his living room. i go out more, i spend less time in the gym. he drinks mineral water and eats more salads. i'm going to santa fe for spring break next month with my roommate (snowboarding, spa-ing, and hiking/hot-springing). my aunt and uncle just moved to mexico and i'll be visiting them in april - with heather hopefully, if she doesn't have a job by then. he needs to get a new job by the end of may. a new car for sure. maybe a new couch. timing. i guess some time needs to go by. i'm not in any rush right now. he knows how to handle me. he knows what to do. |
GO ORANGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
|
im sure much of that has to do with the fact that basketball competes (and most often wins) when it comes to NHL coverage as their seasons are almost parallel. that and i live in Kobi and Shaq land of with the banter is endless. |
I dislike sports fans in general. Hockey is the better sport, I will agree with that (thanks mum). |
Bitchin! That's rather kewl, sarah. Now, when you feel ready, tell him how you came to Austin. :) |
|
hm. why do think it's important that he knows? just curious. |
no biggie. right? |
|
actually we drove from the shipping yards in oakland, california. he knows that part too. |
|
|
|
yeah. the thing is, i'm not comfortable telling *anyone* the real story. i used to tell people, but i stopped because i realized it immediately categorized me. people seemed immediately to assume things about me i knew were not true, or if they were, i didn't want those things to be the first things they learned about me. i didn't want that to be my Story. i don't mind being The Girl From Hawaii, but i do mind being The Dumbass Who Moved Away From Paradise For Love, But It Didn't Work Out. he knows kevin and i met at sxsw. he knows we were friends. he knows we dated for about a year when i moved here. he knows the facts, the details, he just doesn't know the meaning of it. i don't tell dave not because i don't trust him with the knowledge. i don't tell him because i still feel scarred by the depths of the feelings i had for kevin, scarred by destruction of those hopes and dreams, scarred and embarrassed by my foolishness. i don't tell him because i want to refresh my private, internal viewfinder, so that when i flip the lever through my life's history and i see myself with dave, i see myself with the only man i've ever truly loved. |
|
that said... what would you think if you and your boyfriend of 3 months were sitting on his couch at 11:30 at night, getting ready to go to bed, when the phone rings and he lets the answering machine pick it up, and it's his ex-girlfriend Maria calling from Queens, the one he lived with for a year in Boston back in the mid or late 90's, and the message she leaves says, "...call me back, I need to tell you something." |
|
|
|
The mid-late 90s was a while ago anyway. Where did he live in Boston? That's when I lived there...maybe we have some people in common. It wouldn't be the first time. |
|
|
Coooooooooooooooool dat |
what if all of these things were necessary for you to find dave? it had to be big to get you there, and to get you ready to meet him probably among other things. that's not foolish. |
You're not a dumbass, and all the things we do on that godawful painful journey that seem foolish rarely look foolish to those who love us. The people who hurt us are the ones that look bad. Everyone has these stories; they are part of who we are. it's not required to divulge everything, but I think it's important to stay true to yourself and your past...no matter how fucked up and embarrassing. "I don't tell him because i want to refresh my private, internal viewfinder, so When i flip the lever through my life's history and i see myself with dave, i see myself with the only man i've ever truly loved." Is that possible? It's not for me. It's one thing to heal from the past and to look at it differently, but I for one, cannot rewrite it. Certainly, I see all my past relationships in a different light, but that doesn't change the depth of feeling I had at the time. And what heather said. |
HA! SEŅOR BALLZ! i laugh. |
only because I want to see "Senor Ballz" typed out more often. |
See, that's exactly what you should NOT do with dave, sarah. Never assume you know what your lover is thinking. Too much is at stake, and too much charged emotion is involved, for you to get worked up about your own assumptions. It's a viscious circle. Get worked up over reality, not your anxieties. Then you're not in a tight loop with yourself. You're in an open flow with reality, and with the one you love. Isn't that what you want? "when i flip the lever through my life's history and i see myself with dave, i see myself with the only man i've ever truly loved." But that would involve erasing your past. If you try to erase your past it will always return. You can't purge yourself. One thing I had to learn recently was that the way I loved, and who I loved, was all wrong. I always got myself in trouble. To really build on that revelation I can't forget or ignore my past. If I did that I'd just repeat the same mistakes. We can't start each relationship completely fresh. And why would we want to? Sure you've loved other people besides dave. Each love can be different. Love has no bounds. |
and now it's over |
|
fwiw, his ex called to tell him her cat died. he lived with the cat too when they were living together. end of story. we had one of the best weekends we've had together so far. everything is great. i don't feel like i'm holding secrets from him by not explaining fully the kevin story. it's not about dave, it's about me. and it's not *that* big of an issue. you're right, it happened, it's real, i shouldn't try to erase it, but i think it's natural to wish to erase past hurt. i don't even know why i brought it up. i think it was because of my friend Sara's story... i ran (uh, jogged) this uphill race yesterday morning with jackie, one of my yoga teachers. my ass hurts like hell today. |
|
|
jamaica plane |
|
so kentucky totally fucked up my bracket by losing to uab. i had them beating duke in the final game. in fact, except for the st. louis region, i was 99% accurate in my bracket, and 85% overall. so fuck you kentucky. also, i'd like to send out additional fuck you's to maryland, and georga tech. so i decided i'm going to get a do-over and start over from the sweet sixteen. i'm calling duke vs uconn in the final, but haven't decided who's going to win. some say oklahoma state, they're real good, but they won't make it out of the final four. this is my life. college basketball. it's so weird how much your life can change when you let yourself be influenced by your environment and the people in your life. the thing is, it's kinda fun, all this sports stuff. it's fun because dave is so into it, and his enthusiasm is contagious. and i think part of being in a fun relationship means showing interest in the things that are important to the other person. i don't think of the word love anymore. not since dave's freak out. we still have fun together and there's still intimacy, but the big dark cloud of "I'm just not sure" hangs over my head. so i'm much more detached, i don't put so much of myself into it anymore. i guess i'll give this thing six or seven more months - a total of one year - and at that time, if he's still Not Sure, then i'm gonna wrap it up, put a tag with the word Friendship on it, and move on. because if he's not sure by then, he'll probably never be sure, there will always be those things in the relationship that make him doubt, and i don't want to get stuck inside of that mess. besides, leroy is turning out to be the true love of my life. has anyone seen 50 First Dates? i'm a total sucker for adam sandler movies and i have a huge crush on drue barrymore. but if i had known more about certain scenes in that movie, i wouldn't have gone to see it with dave. my roommate donna and i went to new mexico for 5 days during spring break last week. hadn't been there in about 10 years and man oh man i forgot how beautiful it is there. we had great weather too. we went skiing at angelfire, hiked in the jemez mountains to hot springs, visited pueblos and museums, went to a spa and got mud baths and other treatments, drove to taos, and ate yummy new mexican food. i'm running the Capital 10K this sunday for the 3rd year in a row. i bought a whitewater recreational kayak two weekends ago and am going kayaking on saturday. well, i guess that's all. |
|
It's fun to pick up interests from other people, especially significant others. I watch wrasslin' with Sem and I tried to read his comic books, but I can't. Comic books hurt my eyes. We also go birdwatching. I don't have any hobbies for him to pick up aside from cooking, which he hates. But he likes eating so it works out. By the way, I've decided to subscribe to two food magazines, one vegetarian and another more regular kind. Does anyone have any recommendations? |
|
|
|
|
and fwis, nate calls Cooking Light an ass magazine. my sister loves Bon Appetite. |
food and wine is good. go on epicurious and start browsing around and see where the sources of the recipies you think are interesting are. and i can't believe you picked alabama over stanford. i mean, you were right, but really. if xavier can beat texas xavier is going to beat duke. i have spoken. |
Happy birthday! |
St Louis UAB over Kansas GT over Nevada (this was a tough one though) GT over UAB Atlanta Duke over Illinois Xavier over Texas Xavier over Duke (i'm going w/ nate's prediction) East Ruth St Joe over Wake Forest OSU over Pittsburgh OSU over St. Joe Phoenix Alabama over Syracuse UConn over Vandy UConn over Alabama SemiFinals Xavier over GT UConn over OSU Final i just can't decide, but i'm leaning toward UConn |
|
|
btw nate, why do you think xavier can beat duke if they beat texas? texas hasn't been all that great this year. esp in the last third of the season, their playing was terribly erratic. |
i don't think st. joe is going to beat wake. and i want the orangemen to beat the crimson tide. mostly because i fucking hate steely dan. who knows. |
|
Or maybe I just want Duke to lose. |
are they bad people? inferior? are they enemies or something? |
|
wow, my sweet 16 bracket is perfect so far. |
|
Aside from Kentucky, I have a very chick-like way of choosing which teams to hate. With my luck, the only job offers I will get will be from Kentucky, MSU, and Duke...I can think of worse things though. Maybe I should start hating all the west coast schools. |
why can't I type? why? WHY? |
|
ballz. |
|
|
|
|
i woke up and, after fighting the nausea for two hours, gave up and puked. puked up nothing, having not eaten dinner the night before. well, i had dinner, but it consister of two margaritas and half a chocolate bar. i'm hoping that's why i puked. my sister has a friend who was on the patch, and now her friend's baby is due in may... why is it when you finally get settled into a good relationship, one of two things happen? either they freak out and ruin things, or they break up with you, or suddenly there are like a thousand good looking, elligible, interesting men coming around vying for your attention? it's weird. while my relationship with senor isn't perfect obviously, it certainly is by far the nicest, easiest one i've ever been in. but things have cooled off considerably. i'm trying to figure out how much cooling off is normal and where is the line between cool and cold. ever since his freak-out, i've been a lot less enthusiastic about the relationship in general, even though i still enjoy spending time with him. but then again, i always did, even when we were friends. since senor's freak-out, i've begun to struggle a bit with my own doubts, but i'm sharing them with him, not yet. i'm still digesting these thoughts, weighing them, considering them, giving them time to fully reveal themselves to me for what they truly are. mostly it's my incredulousness over his not being sure about us. i could understand if it's just an issue of time, not feeling like he knows me well enough. but it's like, you know, dave's a great guy, a really really great guy, and i feel lucky to have scored such a genuinely nice guy. but on the other hand, i'm like, hell, i'm the best girl he's ever had, and i certainly wouldn't be the last girl he'll ever have if we do break up, but i maybe immodestly believe that he couldn't do much better than me. and i'm not sure i could do better than him. you make lists. here are the things that are great. here are the things that are not great. are the not great things important? are they worth putting aside to keep the things that are great? it sucks because before the freak-out, i didn't have these doubts. i had eyes for nobody but dave. i would have happily gone on in bliss. now i consider my options. and there are a LOT of other options. but are any of those options any better? i'm thinking that it's just a matter of time before this underlying issue resolves itself one way or another. i don't feel like i need to actively do anything to solve a problem i can't entirely define anyway. i'm just going to sort of sit back for a while and enjoy what there is to enjoy and not wade in any deeper. |
harvey, i had no idea. |
|
|
he started it. |
|
|
|
today is our five month anniversary. he actually has somewhat of a date night planned. |
|
Hellboy. I saw Hellboy on the local theatre marquee and smiled. Then I saw a commercial just a few minutes ago and got super excited. Why? WHY? WHY!?!?! goddamn boys |
|
what *is* the deal with that movie? it's like already a cult classic or something. |
so i wrote him a long email. it was a calm and sweet and tender email, but it also spelled out exactly what i've been upset about and i asked for what i need from from him in the relationship. he emailed me back, but i'm too nervous to read it. i should just get it over with so i can get some work done. it's raining like mad right now. suppose to keep raining all weekend. |
in the meantime, I'll be here looking at work safe porn. |
And don't worry about what happened. I would've done the same thing in that situation. |
|
i wanted to add that i had one glass of wine last night and i wasn't even close to tipsy or drunk when i got upset. just for the record. anyway, his email wasn't that bad. he was very sweet and compassionate (because that's just how he is) and said he was very surprised to learn i was feeling that way, but glad i told him how i was feeling. on the other hand, he totally missed my point and wrote back focusing on one little thing i said in passing. so i wrote back and told him i agreed and that he was fair and right in saying what he said. but then i reiterated the two issues that i am upset/concerned about how he could go about preventing that from happening with very little effort on his part. the good news is that he made it clear to me that he wants to spend as much time with me as possible this weekend. it's weird though. before the freak-out none of this was ever in question. we always just did things together and had fun and that was that. it used to be easy and now it's just so much work. i told him that too, and that i was frustrated that we can't seem to get back to that place, even though he told me that's what he wants. whatever, i'm rambling. i'm tired and ready to home. it's been a long week. hope y'all have a great weekend. |