| THIS IS A READ-ONLY ARCHIVE FROM THE SORABJI.COM MESSAGE BOARDS (1995-2016). |
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http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=2026&e=7&u=/latimests/20040518/ts_latimes/thoughfarfrompoorafamilystrugglesdaily |
housing here has gotten way out of hand. we so need a big quake. and they're predicting one sometime between september and december. the scientists who are predicting this one, predicted, with a matter of weeks, the San Simeon quake late last year. the middle class is no longer middle class. its insane. when i think about the amount of money that passes through my families hands in a months time....we could be living really large in some place else, like....ohio, north carolina, austin. |
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Oh yeah, big major cities are always affordable! Move! don't have so many kids! Don't try to live in a big city! *bangs head on desk* |
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i did a quick search of homes in silverlake/echo park and it seems like in the same ball park as the market i'm selling in. i love the $389K listing for a 2 bedroom 1 bath with the first line in the description "GREAT OPPORTUNITY FOR FIRST TIME BUYER". i think that's what the article is about. manage 10% down and that first time homebuyer is going to pay at least $1900 a month on their 30 year fixed. afford that on $45K/yr. or even $60K/yr. |
barf. |
oh wait. nevermind. |
Decided against it, though. The layout of the living room would have made it really hard not to waste a lot of space once we got furniture in there. Also, the proximity to a trailer park was undesirable. |
2 bed/1 ba apt can go as cheap as 800 in the hood or upwards of 1400 in nice neighborhoods. |
fucking toronto. |
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It's owned by a married couple instead of a property management company, and they're really nice. I get the impression that it'll be really easy to get them to do repairs and stuff if needed. We start moving today, and they're not charging us any rent for May. |
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That, and all the grad students are getting a raise next year, more than the usual cost of living increase. I still need loans, but maybe now I can start saving a bit. |
your lease actually declines? how is that? every year here, if your bldg isnt under rent control, you can expect your rent to rise 5% or so, or more if they want to. if it is rent controlled, it can't be raised more than 2% |
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the housing market is tight and expensive here, so they dont need to be that aggressive in their marketing. If you dont take it, there'll be 10 in line behind you. |
tough, tough. would I be able to walk to and fro Yonge-Dundas from Sherbourne-Bloor, or would I get tired of it and/or cold in the winter and have to buy a metropass, thereby adding another $100 to my monthly bills? These are the things I need to worry about. I'm so excited to be living by myself for the First Time Ever. |
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Well, wait, I'm not too bad (if I say so myself), just as long as you are dead quiet at night, don't leave spilled food or any other unsanitary mess laying about, and don't mind if I pile papers/mail/books in random spots around the place. The worst problem I have is with noise when I'm trying to sleep. That makes me want to kill. I spent $900/month for my studio apartment in Silver Spring. My mom's mortgage is less than that, and she lives in Brookline, Mass. (Where Conan O'Brien is from! I just learned.) Anyway, I don't know what she paid for her condo, but the guy next to her just sold his (same layout) for $365,000. People, it's got one bedroom, a living room, a tiny bathroom, and a kitchen only one person can fit inside at one time. And that is it. Oh, and a hallway. No yard or nothing. $365,000. |
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when i lived in missoula, i subletted a room for $200 in a two-bedroom 1-bath apartment located midway up the south hill. that was 11 years ago i think. i could buy a house if i wanted to, but it's something i'm not prepared to do or interested in doing by myself. |
Of course, It had no insulation, which was something of a problem. but that's what sweaters and blankets are for. |
$1250 |
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i should move outa this town |
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own bedroom, bathroom and den in 1800 sq.ft. 2/2/2 house in north central austin, with hottub, huge back yard, and one roommate. $575 + utilities. |
Shit, someone please just come visit. Free. |
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* Entered room Stoner Rock [tetsuro2k] do you think that mixing coke and shrooms would be a bad idea? [tetsuro2k] prob 3.5g of shrooms, and about a 3 inch line or two of coke [d3ft0n3s] i dont see a problem with that mix...in small ammounts [chemicalkev] don't see why [metalmania6] it shouldn't be bad [chemicalkev] take the shrooms first [chemicalkev] give it half hjour [tetsuro2k] i want to take the coke at peak [tetsuro2k] what bout adding a bowl or two of bud to that mix? [chemicalkev] take the coke and it should help ur trip vcome on [d3ft0n3s] hey can you eat coke? [mouthbreether] weed and shrooms beats coke and shrooms [chemicalkev] it'd be a good one as well [tetsuro2k] you "gum" it [d3ft0n3s] gum? [tetsuro2k] As in take some on ur finger, and rub your gums [chemicalkev] sort thing the southamerican indians used to do in roitualks [d3ft0n3s] how sit taste? [mouthbreether] shrooms first. big fucking bts when the patterns start. [tetsuro2k] then your mouth gets a pleasant numbness to it [chemicalkev] *rituals [tetsuro2k] it taastes allright actually [d3ft0n3s] doe sit numb just your mouth or does it go throughout? [tetsuro2k] taste slightly like hydrocodone [tetsuro2k] just your mouth, try it next time [d3ft0n3s] yea see im a pill popper only....never tried pot even [tetsuro2k] like, after you hork it down [tetsuro2k] there's some residue [tetsuro2k] rub ur finger on it, and gum it [tetsuro2k] Pills are good too [d3ft0n3s] i dont like the idea of smoking injecting, snorting [metalmania6] what type of pills [tetsuro2k] smoking is better than pills, cause on pills basicly what you're doing is Oding to feel something [d3ft0n3s] oxycontin 40's [chemicalkev] DONT SMOKE COKE!!! [tetsuro2k] no free-baseing coke is bad [tetsuro2k] oxy is for snorting [tetsuro2k] you can make a 40 last for like a week [d3ft0n3s] or eat it and feel fucked for half a day [mouthbreether] mix it with ben-gay and smear it on yer ballsac. [metalmania6] free basing coke can take your mind over, forever if you do ittoo much [d3ft0n3s] im not smoking injecting or snorting, anything, ever [tetsuro2k] I'm not addicted, in fact i've done coke once, three weeks ago [chemicalkev] cokes noty addictive [chemicalkev] crack is though [tetsuro2k] it is mentally [tetsuro2k] crack is physically [chemicalkev] true [tetsuro2k] the thing about coke, is you forget how much you took [tetsuro2k] I've only done it once, but it was my first time, and i took 6 lines, and also was the first time i took acid (2 tabs) [tetsuro2k] I was pretty fucked up, made me reconsider drugs [d3ft0n3s] yuck acid, i hate acid, im the result of 2 acid yusers and im fucke dup [mouthbreether] whoa, did i stumble into the ph.d room? you guys are all smart and full of wisdom. [metalmania6] its hard to find good acid, or at least where i live [d3ft0n3s] i wont do acid just caus ei dont want my kids to be retarded [tetsuro2k] okay, would you think this to be unsafe? 354 milligrams of DXM, 2 lines of coke, 3.5g of shrooms, and two bowls? [chemicalkev] acid fucked me up! [chemicalkev] that and amphet [tetsuro2k] I don't think I'll do acid for a while [d3ft0n3s] how about DMT [chemicalkev] mushy's can be more intense than acid [d3ft0n3s] anyone here done that? [tetsuro2k] I'd try it once [metalmania6] never tried that [tetsuro2k] Mushies are more down to earth, not processed [chemicalkev] never heard of dmt [tetsuro2k] looks like coffee [tetsuro2k] and you hork it down the nose [d3ft0n3s] its like acid if i remmber correctly but 10 times as strong but only lasts for 3 hours [mouthbreether] tetsuro, it depends on your body mass, fat index, blood sugar levels, metabolic rate, etc. . . [d3ft0n3s] 1-3 hours [tetsuro2k] I'm about 210, 5'10 [tetsuro2k] 18 [tetsuro2k] I'm big and tall for what I am, asian [addnative] anyone have dispatch or oar [mouthbreether] in that case, i'd recommend some of the shrooms, some of the weed and as much weed as you can find. keep about 3 cases of cheap beer around at all times. [tetsuro2k] lol [mouthbreether] also, some weed. [tetsuro2k] my shrooms are in a chocolate * chemicalkev dossn't do cheap beer [tetsuro2k] about the size of a reese cup * tetsuro2k prefers hard A [mouthbreether] yes he does when he's trippin on shrooms and weed. and weed. [tetsuro2k] lol [d3ft0n3s] i just looked up [d3ft0n3s] DMT. you have to smoke it, it works in 5-10 minutes only lasts an hour and you turn into a veggie while you trip. total mind takeover. [d3ft0n3s] The term mind blowing might have been invented for this drug. [d3ft0n3s] The experience was described by Alan Watts as like being fired out of the nozzle of an atomic cannon. [tetsuro2k] Try some Datura, jimson weed [tetsuro2k] that'll fuck you over [d3ft0n3s] Thoughts and visions crowd in at great speed; a sense of leaving or transcending time and a feeling that objects have lost all form and dissolved into a play of vibrations are characteristic. [tetsuro2k] expect 3 days of constant dilerium, from about a table spoon of seeds made into a cup of tea. [tetsuro2k] Nothing lucid, as in you don't know you're hallucinating [d3ft0n3s] hell no [d3ft0n3s] i dont want a 3 day bad dream [tetsuro2k] datura = mind blowing [d3ft0n3s] at least with dmt it only last an hour [tetsuro2k] datura is insane... too insane, doubt i'd ever try it [tetsuro2k] it's bad, try erowid for some trip reports [metalmania6] how hard is it to find dmt [d3ft0n3s] i dunno [tetsuro2k] depends on area, always [tetsuro2k] and season, i dunno if dmt has a season tho [d3ft0n3s] my friend trie dit and he said hed never do it again [tetsuro2k] :) [d3ft0n3s] he said his friends heart stoped, died for like hgalf a minute then came back to life. [d3ft0n3s] liek for real [tetsuro2k] My dealer, makes these chocolates right, the size of reeses, and has about 3.5g in each, imagine giving that to a child... [metalmania6] lol [d3ft0n3s] aparently its what the drug is used for, to kill people then brign them to life or sumthing [tetsuro2k] On DXM, my resting heart rate was about +160bpm [metalmania6] damn [tetsuro2k] it was in shcool [tetsuro2k] bad idea [tetsuro2k] i was freaking out [d3ft0n3s] yea i would be too [d3ft0n3s] i have a resting of like 80 [mouthbreether] yeah, fuck datura. eat nutmeg. after you stop puking, you totally hallucinate and shit. [metalmania6] school of all places, id be paranoid [tetsuro2k] lol [tetsuro2k] 3 tablespoons of nutmeg [tetsuro2k] isn't so appealing [d3ft0n3s] the powdered nutmeg?> [tetsuro2k] and the 40+ hour trip isn't so good either [tetsuro2k] neither is the hang over [tetsuro2k] Yeah [tetsuro2k] I tried once [mouthbreether] just don't mix it with dairy products. [d3ft0n3s] ooo never heard of nutmeg tel me more [tetsuro2k] I had two nuggets of nutmeg [metalmania6] seriosuly? do u put it in water or something and drink it [tetsuro2k] and i ground it up in my coffee grinder, [tetsuro2k] I mixed it with icecream [mouthbreether] curdled dairy gets stuck in the sinuses when you puke it out your nose. [tetsuro2k] and downed about 2.5 tablespoons total [tetsuro2k] I did puke actually [tetsuro2k] i didn't know why, now i do [tetsuro2k] ty [tetsuro2k] :) [tetsuro2k] It's a damn fucking cool high, bad effects tho [tetsuro2k] it starts off slow [tetsuro2k] kinda like being a lil drunk, or stoned [metalmania6] how long did it last , 40 hours u said [tetsuro2k] then goes harder, and peaks like at 6-11 hours [xKOMPOSTx] Nutmeg is a pretty strange high [d3ft0n3s] so just store boought bottel of nutmeg? [tetsuro2k] then you start to hallucinate [tetsuro2k] You could yeah [mouthbreether] you might think, "i'll make a nutmeg smoothy." dont. [mouthbreether] don't do it. [xKOMPOSTx] I didn't hallucinate though [tetsuro2k] Lol yeah, the pukign is harse [tetsuro2k] I dry heaved for like 5 minutes [tetsuro2k] No? [tetsuro2k] how much did you take? [xKOMPOSTx] nope [metalmania6] hm, kind of make me want to go look in the kitchen for some spare nut meg :) [xKOMPOSTx] about 2 maybe 3 tablespoons [tetsuro2k] worse hangover ever!!! [chemicalkev] nutmeg when processed gives usomething chemically similar to mdma [tetsuro2k] gives you red eye like a bitch [d3ft0n3s] yea where do you get it? [tetsuro2k] the grocery store. [tetsuro2k] Makes ur mouth dry as shit [d3ft0n3s] how much for a bottel [tetsuro2k] for like 2 days [mouthbreether] i ground up 3 big nuts and made a fucking smoothy [tetsuro2k] less than 5 dollars [tetsuro2k] Lol :) I ate it with a gallon of vanilla [tetsuro2k] ice cream [mouthbreether] see, bad idea there. [xKOMPOSTx] it has some pretty bad cotton mouth effects [tetsuro2k] Nutmeg, is actually one of the most poisonous things to inject into the body, in medieval ages, it was used as an ingredient in poison. [chemicalkev] I like it sprincled on warm milk at bedetime [tetsuro2k] taken orally does all this already, :P [mouthbreether] yeah, a sprinkle is nice. [tetsuro2k] my high lasted for about 2 days [mouthbreether] i like it in my eggnog. [tetsuro2k] nutmeg tastes good in icecream, and eggnog [tetsuro2k] yum. [xKOMPOSTx] 2 days? [chemicalkev] egnog? [xKOMPOSTx] mine lasted for like 8 or 9 hours [tetsuro2k] yeah [xKOMPOSTx] I got ripped off [xKOMPOSTx] haha [tetsuro2k] my come down was like 20 hours [tetsuro2k] as in I felt like SHIT [xKOMPOSTx] yeah I felt pretty bad in the morning [tetsuro2k] I had east indies whole nutmeg [xKOMPOSTx] like a hellatious hangover [tetsuro2k] has more of the oil that makes u trip I heard [tetsuro2k] yeah [tetsuro2k] worst one i've felt [tetsuro2k] well, [tetsuro2k] i drink a shitload once [tetsuro2k] and my blood was so thin, it was 80 some degrees F [tetsuro2k] and I was shivering [tetsuro2k] in a jacket [xKOMPOSTx] dude you'd be almost clinicly dead at 80 degrees F [xKOMPOSTx] I think you may actually be dead at 80 [tetsuro2k] nah uh [tetsuro2k] no, the outside temp [tetsuro2k] Lol [xKOMPOSTx] oh [xKOMPOSTx] haha [tetsuro2k] not body lol [xKOMPOSTx] I though you where talking about body temp [xKOMPOSTx] haha [xKOMPOSTx] my bad [tetsuro2k] twas mine :) [metalmania6] anyone know if mixing coke and e works, or does it cancel each other out [xKOMPOSTx] the kid I did it with though that you had to snort the nutmeg [xKOMPOSTx] I luckly talked him out of that [tetsuro2k] lol [tetsuro2k] that'd probably be the worst thing in the world [xKOMPOSTx] oh yeah [d3ft0n3s] lmao [tetsuro2k] the best highs i've felt are dxm, coke+cid, bud+ alcohol, dxm + bud, shrooms + bud [tetsuro2k] dxm is no matter what anyone else says, is pretty enjoyable [tetsuro2k] though it's looked down upon [xKOMPOSTx] the horse man [xKOMPOSTx] the high is so good [tetsuro2k] yeah [tetsuro2k] it is, def a social drug [tetsuro2k] but taken a lot is insane [tetsuro2k] trip worse than cid [xKOMPOSTx] I have never done it [xKOMPOSTx] my best high was H [tetsuro2k] H? [xKOMPOSTx] that shit is amazing [xKOMPOSTx] Smakc [xKOMPOSTx] Heroin [tetsuro2k] damn bro [mouthbreether] my best high was pcp [tetsuro2k] ya, [xKOMPOSTx] I needed to try it once [xKOMPOSTx] I haven't done it since [tetsuro2k] injecting shit is scary [xKOMPOSTx] but it was fucking awesome [xKOMPOSTx] a little bit yeah [tetsuro2k] Dxm is compairable to PCP + mdma [xKOMPOSTx] but I used to blast speed [xKOMPOSTx] so I got used to that [tetsuro2k] blast? [xKOMPOSTx] PCP is pretty good too [tetsuro2k] Not used to the slang [xKOMPOSTx] but it made my noise and throat bleed bad [xKOMPOSTx] inject meth [tetsuro2k] Tomorrow will be my first time buying coke, 2nd time doing it [tetsuro2k] ah [mouthbreether] no, man. pcp fucking sucks. [mouthbreether] but it was still my best high. [xKOMPOSTx] I had a good high I settled down [xKOMPOSTx] it's still the only drug that really made me hallucenate badly [tetsuro2k] I suggest you both try dxm at least once [xKOMPOSTx] that shit is pricey [tetsuro2k] at high dosage, [tetsuro2k] it's not [tetsuro2k] it's free! [xKOMPOSTx] really> [tetsuro2k] threre's 3 ways to go about it bro. [xKOMPOSTx] how is it free [tetsuro2k] 1, refined way, go buy some pure dxm powder from drug suppliers online. [tetsuro2k] 2, dealer way, go steal/buy some robotussin max strength cough, and learn how to extract it [tetsuro2k] 3, lazy way, go steal/buy some robo, and drink two bottles [tetsuro2k] make sure it's not the nyquil shit [tetsuro2k] want a rundown on DXM? [chiefmofo] check out erowid.org [xKOMPOSTx] I've drank robofrye beofre [xKOMPOSTx] er before [mouthbreether] dextromethorphane? [tetsuro2k] Dxm, dextromorthorphran(sp?) was originally used as a psyc drug, used to open patients up with their feelings, and let them express themselves [xKOMPOSTx] I don't think I ever drank enough [tetsuro2k] IT is used in cough meds today because in this known world, there's two things that can surpress cough, dxm, and this other one that is fatal [mouthbreether] dude, that's like one step up from huffing gas. [xKOMPOSTx] I evenutally just decided it tasted awful and I wasn't getting anything out of it [mouthbreether] wtf? [tetsuro2k] We opted to use Dxm, [tetsuro2k] dxm, taken at higher doses is a psychoactive [tetsuro2k] taken at higer doseages makes it hallucinatory [mouthbreether] it's so fucking ghetto. or college, i guess. [tetsuro2k] :-) [tetsuro2k] powdered stuff isn't so bad [tetsuro2k] but i do agree, chugging a bottle of cough syrup is a bit shady, but it still is one of the best highs i've felt [xKOMPOSTx] maybe I'll give it another whirl [metalmania6] do online pharmacies sell the dxm powder [tetsuro2k] It definately made me rethink myself, and helped me become better spiritually [tetsuro2k] yeah some do [xKOMPOSTx] my roommate with do almost anything to get high [tetsuro2k] but usually the feds will wonder why you are buying it [xKOMPOSTx] and I am curious now [tetsuro2k] I haven't done it for two months. [tetsuro2k] but it helped ALOT [tetsuro2k] it sounds sick as shit, and does taste gross, and IS shady, but try two bottles of max strength cough )roughly 8oz total) [tetsuro2k] it will kick your ass :) [tetsuro2k] if you do drugs bro, at least be educated [tetsuro2k] and if you look down on it, at least have a good reason why [xKOMPOSTx] I don't look down on anything [xKOMPOSTx] nor do I find too much to be shady anymore [tetsuro2k] it'd be the same of THC was found in potatoes, and people would eat 5 potatoes to get high. [tetsuro2k] people would look down on that only because it's non conventional [GoatLord] inhaling chemicals is cool [xKOMPOSTx] I would rather use something easily obtainable like nutmeg or cough syrup or phenobarbitol than be caught with all kindsa illegal stuff [d3ft0n3s] your an idiot [d3ft0n3s] huffing can cause instant death randomly * chemicalkev laughs his head offf [d3ft0n3s] my friend died from it [tetsuro2k] You can do whippets, as whipping cream cans only contain nitrous oxcide, or laughing gas, as it was the only FDA approved gas used to human consumption. [tetsuro2k] but yeah, huffing is a no no [chemicalkev] barbs are lethal and addictive [GoatLord] or Ethyl [d3ft0n3s] yea whippits r fine [tetsuro2k] Ether is the worst [tetsuro2k] You binge and don't know it [xKOMPOSTx] i don't fuck with that anymore [d3ft0n3s] its the dumbasses that go "oo raid come sin a can, lets try that..... [d3ft0n3s] " [xKOMPOSTx] I did it like 2 times [tetsuro2k] ether? [xKOMPOSTx] and I got the spins really badly [GoatLord] guess I'll stick with cofee then [tetsuro2k] goatlord, go to a herbal store, or a gourmet grocery store or health food store [chemicalkev] i used to do butane [tetsuro2k] and pick up some Yerba Mate [d3ft0n3s] butane? just dont stand around open flames.... [mouthbreether] what if sperm got you like totally high? [d3ft0n3s] then porn actors r potheads [tetsuro2k] it's a great tasting tea, that has a caffine like "high", except it doesn't make you tired, is healthy for you, and also has some euphoic properties [mouthbreether] i mean, where's the fucking line? [d3ft0n3s] and are therefore, i would be more envyious [tetsuro2k] then you can smoke the dong. [GoatLord] screw that [GoatLord] I need coffee [tetsuro2k] yerba mate, try it once bro [tetsuro2k] it's a beautiful healthy thing [d3ft0n3s] coffe? just drink 3 of those beer sized cans of rockstar in under 2 minutes [tetsuro2k] I suggest you all start drinking that, it's one of the more healthy things you can do for yourslef [mouthbreether] i have a pet stickbug and their turdballs , when smoked, totally make you light-headed. i recommend smoking stickbug turdballs. [GoatLord] but coffee tastes good [tetsuro2k] lol [d3ft0n3s] so does rockstar, if you liek moutain dew [tetsuro2k] so does yerba mate [GoatLord] unlike stickbug turdballs [GoatLord] ?? [tetsuro2k] yerba mate taste good [mouthbreether] dude. [mouthbreether] serious. [GoatLord] im a big fan of Skydrol [d3ft0n3s] the day i smoke a peice of shit is the day i kill myself [tetsuro2k] wha mouth [tetsuro2k] why is skydrol? [GoatLord] its aviation hydraulic fluid [d3ft0n3s] lol [d3ft0n3s] theirs a pun sumwhere in their.... [tetsuro2k] lol [GoatLord] wicked stuff [tetsuro2k] huffing it? [tetsuro2k] sick [GoatLord] nah [GoatLord] i dont huff [tetsuro2k] what do u do to comsume it then? [mouthbreether] i had that once. it was in a penis shaped bottle and i fell on it while i was in the shower. [GoatLord] i dont [tetsuro2k] lol ok [GoatLord] i smell it at work somemtimes [mouthbreether] went right up my butt. how embarrasing! [GoatLord] try to avoid it [GoatLord] whoooooooooops [tetsuro2k] lol [mouthbreether] but, dude, i was fucking totally wasted for a whole afternoon. [tetsuro2k] lol |
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if there ever was a cause for drug education. im gonna do a line of jizz. |
nutmeg smoothie. |
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but he decided last friday to pull another one of his "we're spending too much time together" and "i don't want to get too close" and "i'm not sure" stunts. followed by one day of being broken up, followed by three days of non stop calls. we're going to the coast on saturday. i'm going to put an end to this, one way or another. so depending on how it turns out, i may or may not be in st. louis. but at least i have my plane ticket to st. louis. daniel, i've missed you. |
the non-stop phone calls...those are him calling you? or both ways? I know you'll do the right thing, but still, it sucks. I'm sorry he's being such a poopyhead. i will kick his ass if you want me to. You should go to St. Louis anyway. I'm sure daniel will show you a good time. he's got snickers ice-cream bars! |
I'm so bitter right now. if you were my girlfriend, I'd draw you pictures of little stick figures with hearts and flowers and stick them to your fridge. |
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and i would love that! he's been calling me. there are two theories. *my* theory is that he's simply not in love with me, but he doesn't want to break up because we do have a lot of fun together and when i'm not around he gets lonely. and he doesn't have any other prospects. so as long as the relationship stays within his comfort zone - which i'm learning now is close but not too close - then we're good. the funny thing is that i pretty much follow his lead. i mean it's not like i ever mention anything at all to do with the future or marriage or kids or ANYTHING. our lives have become very intertwined and we do spend quite a bit of time together, but i'm not pushy, i'm not smothering him. if anything, sometimes i have to force myself to say no when he asks me out or to come over just so i can stay home and get some shit done once in a while. the theory postulated by my friend kristi is that when he gets hurt by me or feels jealous or if i'm behaving too independently, then he pushes me away. because he does love and does know what he wants, but he gets scared that it's not what i want. so it's a defense mechanism. all i know for sure is that he started acting distant toward me right after i got back from spending the night out in lago vista with my friend kristi and her family. and then i was the one who had to bring up the fact that things suddenly didn't seem to be going well between us and was something wrong. and that's when i got the "spending too much time together" and "i'm not sure" spiel. so i said hey, look, it's not fair that i'm always the one who has to bring this up, when it's you who's the one who needs to air your feelings. whenever i feel something i tell you right away so that i don't torture you by acting weird or taking it out on you in other ways. then i said maybe we should just be friends, because we get along so well and love spending time together, but you're uncomfortable when you feel like we're too intimate. he didn't really like that idea too much, but couldn't argue with the logic either. then i said, look, all i want is just to have fun. okay? i don't need to worry about anything else. can't we just be together and have fun? when i said that i thought he was going to start crying, maybe in relief, maybe because he was sad, i don't know. i told him that out of fairness to me, he better think about whether it's really a good idea for me to be going to st. louis with him to meet his family and oldest friends if we're just going to keep things casual. and he said he definitely wanted me to go. but frankly, i don't want to go if we're just going to keep things casual. it's been 6 1/2 months now. i'm not saying we know everything there is to know about each other, but i can't imagine that something's going to happen in another 6 months (or 12 months or 18 months or 24 months...) that will make him suddenly be in love with me and want to live happily ever after. and i'm not comfortable with the relationship anymore. i don't feel like i can really let myself go and enjoy and be intimate with someone who at any moment and for what seems to me to be no particular reason starts to pull away. i'm like walking on egg shells now. in the end we decided to just play it by ear, and not spend as much time together, maybe one or two nights/days a week. so after having this discussion, we didn't talk at all on saturday (i was off all day kayaking) but he called me on sunday and wanted to take me out for dinner. then he called me on monday and asked me if i wanted to go see a movie (i said no). then he called me last night to invite me to a going away happy hour for a friend of his (i said no). and now i think he's going to stop by my house after he plays tennis, which is usually what he does on wednesdays. what the fuck. yeah, so we've had these plans for a long time to go to the gulf coast for memorial weekend, and we're still going to go, though i'm feeling trepidatious about it. but i think i'll use this time as an opportunity to tell him gently that i want out. and it's a shame, too. because i care about him so much, and we have so much fun together, and we *never* have anything to fight about, we get along so well. but i can't make him love me, and i guess i don't just want to keep being in a relationship based on the premise of just "having fun". i mean, not that there's anything wrong with that in and of itself, it's just the other part, the not knowing when he's suddenly going to change his mind. |
Now I guess we'll have to call him Senor Blows. You deserve to be honored and adored and nothing less. |
It just seems that if he didn't have really strong feelings for you it would be a bit longer before he'd start to feel lonely. Maybe he doesn't want to lose you to anyone else, but rather than be able to come clean with his feelings, he ends up doing things like this. It's shitty, but it could be part of his motivations. He doesn't sound terribly posessive, jealous, and controlling...though he sounds like the *loss of control* that is part of falling in the L-hole and giving your heart away freaks him out; that if he admits to himself and you how he does feel, then all the serious stuff will take over. Or something. As far as the two theories, maybe it's a little bit of both, that he loves you but doesn't know what he wants. Maybe he gets lonely because he misses you, but when you're back to doing things, ignores the reasons why he missed you. Maybe he has those *natural* and *normal* doubts about things like this, but rather than take the risk, he clings to them. Now, having said all that. I still think he's being a poopyface who needs a good asskicking, but I think you should entertain the idea that perhaps he is in love with you and can't handle it...or isn't handling it very well. I probably wouldn't advise you to do anything different, approach it with what Kristi said in mind. If he has stuff to work out about it, fine, but you deserve some security. And to be honored and adored. And to have pictures of stick figures with hearts and flowers on your fridge. |
If you want to spend three days roughing it in the Ozarks, cooking over a wood stove, living in the woods, and have the stamina for vision quest, I'd ask you to join me. I am assisting and not questing, so I'll be cooking, drumming, praying, and watching over the questers, approx 10 or so, at least two others from my Celtic Mysticism course. Up for that? Or, kick back at the house. Or I meet you and Senor at the Loop. Better yet, leave Senor somewhere else. You know you deserve better. Only the best. And I miss you too. |
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does it involve ayahuasca? if so, no thanks. otherwise that sounds pretty great. i haven't done anything like that in years and years, since hawaii days, when i was surrounded by very flaky, but very spiritual and tuned-in people. so leroy and i ended up spending the night at senor's last night. we slept and that's it. (in fact, it's hard for me even to want to kiss him now). i stayed at his place only because very early this morning before work i had to take my car in for repair (before we drive it down to the coast it needs some work for safety) and the repair place is a mile from his apartment. dave works about 9 blocks from his apartment and can walk to and from work, and so he's letting me borrow his car today since i have a 15 mile commute. plus i'm working 1/2 day, then have plans to hang w/ my Little Sister this afternoon, and didn't want to cancel on her due to lack of transportation. not to mention that even if i did stay the night at my house last night i wouldn't have gotten a wink of sleep because my roommate and all her friends over and up half the night packing up cars and trailers for a huge camping trip they're leaving to go on this afternoon. it was utter chaos at my house last night, so going over to dave's was respite. so see? isn't he a nice guy? but yeah. then there's all that fear. baggage. baggage - so insufferably cliche. and kazu, you're right. his doubts or discomforts are normal and natural. but i think we'd all agree that there are better ways of handling them. and i put myself in his shoes, and think, if i was the one who had doubts at this point in our relationship, i'd take that as a big red flag, and seriously consider whether my doubts and concerns are big enough to warrant the extinguishing of the love relationship. and as hard and scary as it is, i'd make a point of sitting down and talking it all out w/ my partner. (especially because on the rare occassion when one of us does get upset about something, senor and i have this amazing ability to make time to sit and talk about it in a calm, rational, gentle, and compassionate way. there's never fighting or yelling or name calling or any of that. it's really neato.) anyway, i love you guys so much. i don't know how this is all going to work out (or not) this weekend, but either way it'll be okay. i'll be sad if it doesn't work out, but i feel pretty detached from it all, because while i really wish he wants what i want, i don't feel needy. life will go on. and i know we'll stay good friends. here's the irony of the situation. the last time dave broke up with me back in late february, i woke up the next day and drove down to port aransas for 2 days. this is nearly like a repeat performance. i wonder if that's occurred to him. anyway. we're still going to have a fun weekend. gulf coast! waves and salt water and sand! reading on the beach! running on the beach! frivolity! frolicking! and we're bringing leroy! |
-Unasked for advice, courtesy of Kelsey, who thinks Sarah rocks and thinks that she deserves only good things. |
of course, you also might end up with a dog-headed man beast who doesn't know how to use the toiled and humps your leg... |
Senor just isn't good enough, I'm afraid. We're going to have to put him down. |
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rather than put stock in the other X% of him you are in love with and 10 years down the road you admit how important the qualities that you find flawed in him were to you and that your unhappy and that perhaps you should have ended things a long time ago and rather than unfairly mislead him, and yourself taking valuable years from each other when you could have just been honest with yourself in the beginning and saved everyone a lot of fucking heartache. never compromise when it comes to the core of a relationship. compromising is for stupid shit like what to make for dinner and which movie to watch on TV. shit. i should call my therapist. |
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so yes, let him go. my thoughts were geared more toward how you might want to approach it, and then for after the fact, when mulling over all that has gone down. |
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Oughta come. Try searching for Elemental Earthways and see if you can find the old website. Hope CZ is olay, and best to her hubby, kids, and animals. Where are you these days J? Still out west? ANy body in Phoenix? |
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we drove home from port aransas in complete silence, senor behind the wheel, top down on the bitch basket, the moon above, the hot hot humid summer air like a blanket. got home, took a valium, half assed unpacked the car, fed leroy, and managed to fall asleep without crying. there will be 27 photographs from this past weekend. mostly it was a great deal of fun, even in spite of the breaking up. we enjoyed the salt water and the sun, reading in beach chairs, drinking tecates with lime, eating fresh seafood at night. he rented a boogie board and i taught him how to catch waves. and that part, it was all good. there's something about the beach in the summertime that brings out the silly, carefree child in everyone. at night we both stayed on our own sides of the bed. while sitting on the wet beach where the breaking waves melted into the sand, i met two young girls our last day there. one was 12, one 13, sisters. they came from a family of 5 girls and 4 boys. four months ago they moved from their mother's house in west sacramento to their father's house in a small town outside of san antonio. he got custody because the mother beat the crap out of the two girls. both girls talked and acted like 9 or 10 year olds. they were both being held back in school this next year. their father left them on the beach alone, while he and their brother 11 year old brother took off to find a way to get their car fixed so they could get back home. their grandmother, who lives in san antonio, refused to drive down to pick them all up and bring them back. the girls showed me how the little clams bury themselves back in the sand after they've been uncovered by waves. i gave the girls homemade chocolate chip cookies and water and sunscreen, and taught them how to body surf. they played sword fighting with the floaties we had with us after they got bored playing with leroy in the shorebeak, dragging him by his leash up and down the beach. "you're so nice!" they both said to me as we parted ways, as if nobody had ever been nice to them before. i'll never see those girls again, but i'll think about them a lot. friday night before we left for the trip, i told him that i was really uncomfortable and not having fun any more. i told him after our talk the friday before (about his most recent "i'm not sure" and "let's not get too close" episode)that i tried to just put it in the background and take it one day at a time, but in reality i wasn't enjoying any of it. i told him i didn't want to go to st. louis and meet his family and friends and get even more attached to him, when he wants to keep things casual. i said i wanted to have this conversation now, before the trip, so that i wouldn't be bitchy because i had held it in. because i knew i wouldn't want to have sex with him, and that it would be awkward for both of us if i didn't explain why. i told him how wonderful he is and how there's not one thing i would change about him, but that i can't make him feel something he doesn't feel or want the same things i want from the relationship. that's when he admitted to me that, when asked by a mutual friend of ours how things were going, he told her that he "loves me but isn't in love with me". and that friend asked him, "what's the difference?" and he said he didn't know, and maybe there wasn't any. but i do love you, he said, i care about you a lot. i don't want things to change. and the funny thing is that i think that was his way of saying i love you. but fuck, what woman wants to hear it said that way, especially as she's trying to break things off? as if it's one last ditch effort to keep me hanging on. to string me along. i love you should be said in joyfulness! after you make love, or after a romantic time together, or maybe even out of the blue for no reason at all. but definitely not in the context of breaking up. he said doesn't want to break up, but he doesn't want to get too serious. isn't that the point of dating, he asked? to take time to figure all those things out? and the i love you followed by i'm not IN love with you. the kiss of death, the seal on the coffin. that statement will never, ever go away. at 2 a.m. we agreed to go to sleep and get up and go to port aransas and have fun, and we'd continue the breaking up when we got back. so after going to get an MRI tonight on my dislocated shoulder, he'll probably come over and we'll finish it all off. |
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It's taken some time: we broke up over a two yeaar pain laced period until finally she proved to me that "she loved me but wasn't in love with me" by ending up with someone else and, of course, being dishonest about it. Even now. Her lying hurts as much as her inability to love, her issue not mine. Remember the gasoline tanker S? Drive on. Do the powdered chives bunch together in the bottom of the chip dip container, or it is just mold? I wonder. Trade in your tickets to StL and come to Phoenix on the 15th. |
he didn't come over tonight. instead he called and left a message on my voice mail saying he got the photos developed, two sets, and that they're all amazing. he sounded very excited. i'm starting to think that he thinks if he pretends that none of that breaking up talk happened, that somehow we'll just pick up where we left off and everything will somehow magically work itself out. wouldn't that be nice. but that's starting to freak me out, so i'm pretending that my phone doesn't work so i don't have to answer it. this sucks. maybe it's just my ego, but somehow my intuition tells me that he really is in love with me, but he doesn't know how to handle that, or what it might mean in terms of the future and responsibility. or maybe he really doesn't know. the frustrating thing is that i can't think of one single thing that might make him not sure about wanting to continue to grow the relationship and move forward. i'm not saying i'm perfect, but he's never once gotten mad at me about some profound reason. he rarely gets upset at all, and when he does, he's usually very quiet about it and has this way of just dealing with it on his own - even though i'd prefer that just tell me. maybe he's just inexpressive. afraid of feelings that are too positive or too negative. again, there seems to be this threashold, an average range of emotion that suits his comfort level, and anything outside that range is "bad". i don't know though, i'm just guessing, making stabs at it in the dark. he's a pinata. a donkey. when you bust it open with a bat, all kinds of crazy weird things might come falling to the ground. who knows what. the reason i think this is, because if you knew senor, none of this would make sense to you. he's just not the type to be behaving this way. he's not some typical playboy jock. he's a 34 year old software engineer who plays tennis and loves music and children and animals. he's just a guy, a nice guy. nonetheless, it's over. and don't worry - i'm not going to try to talk myself out of that fact. there's no denying it now. it's just suck a fucking shame. it would have been perfect. or nearly so. years and years of fun and happiness and affection and love. poof. gone. despite the repairs made beforehand, my car did break down on the ride back, about 50 miles south of san antonio. i found an auto parts store, bought the replacement belt and high tailed it to a local mechanic. open at 5 p.m. on memorial day. what are the odds? we were out of there in 30 minutes and paid $35. feeling lucky at that point, i bought a lottery ticket. it was that kind of day. on wednesday i'll be winning $75 million. in any case, i can't come to phoenix. the plan was to fly to st. louis for 3 days then straight to detroit for a week to visit family, particularly my sister and my new nephew. what i want to do is just cancel the st louis portion and go straight to detroit so i can spend more time with them. unless i could somehow find a way to and from the backwoods ozarks. |
And BTW, broke down 50 miles outside of where? Don't call, don't write, don't take advantage of free drinks in where? Love ya too!!!! I am sure you will figure out your trip and have fun with it, but understand, we want to see pics, from Port Aransas and from this impending trip!!!!!! |
XOXO |
Could it be maybe that he has an idealized imaginary perfect mate that you differ from in some way (maybe she's brunette, maybe she's taller, maybe she's more this or less that), and that's why he's holding back. It's like there's nothing wrong with you, but he's (stupidly, childishly) holding out because what if someone just like you except brunette (or whatever) came along? I dunno. It doesn't make any sense to me either that he could have a happy, healthy relationship with someone as awesome as you and not be satisfied. |
You've said he's a nice guy. You've said he's in love with you. Yet you don't want that? M'kay. "the frustrating thing is that i can't think of one single thing that might make him not sure about wanting to continue to grow the relationship and move forward." How about this: time. He wants you to meet his parents. Isn't that a good sign? And you can't make him sure. You can coax him, though. Look, here's where I'm coming from. A few weeks ago my girlfriend was expressing vague uneasiness and I asked what was wrong. She said she wasn't sure if we were compatible. (Just some background, we've been together for 2 1/2 years, and this is a woman who makes quick judgements and is rarely unsure about anything.) My reaction was, "Of course you're sure, you just don't want to say it to me for some reason," though I didn't say that out loud. I asked her more about her feelings, but didn't judge them. I was tempted, in the following week, to just break up with her before she did the same with me, before she hurt me. I didn't, though. Now our relationship seems better. We're talking more, getting some things out. I'm trying to coax her out of her silence. "he's not some typical playboy jock." It seems like you're reacting to him as if he were one. Check yourself. I find myself reacting to my girlfriend as if she were the "manipulative bitch" type, just because that's how I'm primed to react. (She is anything but that kind of woman.) I don't usually react this way, and it's taken me several years to get out of the habbit. It comes back when I get emotional, though. My advice: if this is a nice man who loves you, give him some time. (Especially if you love him back.) So it takes him a year to completely come around, so what? Compared to the rest of your life, one year is a short amount of time. It's worth it. |
if he needs time to get his shit together, give him that time Away From You. a person's heart can only be yo-yo'd so many times before they just have to give up. or maybe I'm projecting. |
also, when i told him i didn't want to go to st. louis to meet his family and friends when he just wants to keep things casual, he said, "you won't be meeting my family, it's just my mom." he doesn't see it as being any big deal, nor does he understand how him wanting me to meet his mom and attend with him his oldest friend's wedding while saying he wants to keep things casual is sending out mixed signals. it's funny. before i read your post, i was sitting here thinking to myself, what would he do if i sat him down and said, look, what is *really* going on here? i don't think you're being honest with me about how you truly feel. because everything you do contradicts what you're saying about how you feel. why don't we just get it all out in the open right now? but i wouldn't want to do that to him. he's always open to talking about our relationship, but right now things are so wonky i think that would just freak the shit out of him. tiggy, thanks for sharing your thoughts. i do hear what you're saying. i'd be more than happy to be patient and wait it out - i could deal with another six months or more of him not being sure or whatever his problem is. i just can't deal with the way he treats me whenever he has one of his little wigg-outs. like i said, i feel like i'm walking on egg shells now. i can't enjoy spending time together, because in the back of my mind there's this doubt (fear) there that wasn't there before - wondering if when everything seem to be going great and we're spending lots of time together and having fun and being a couple etc is he suddenly going to freak out and start being cold and inexpressive. i don't want to be in a relationship with someone who treats me that way or deals with his feelings like that. and that's exactly what i told him. i actually said, "you don't get to do this to me anymore." i'm just sick of it, the up and down. and he *agreed* he has baggage from past relationships. frankly why would another six months suddenly make him "sure"? i hardly think he's going to see another side of me or some trait he hasn't seen already and suddenly go OH YEAH, NOW I KNOW SHE'S THE ONE!! i don't know man. it sucks either way, but mostly i don't want to prolong the agony. okay. i'm done now. |
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"It never occurred to me that a marriage would fail because one of the two partners simply didn't want it to work." This, in one sentence, is the one thing that terrifies me most about marriage. It's enough to send me screaming into the night. |
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SHAME ON YOU. |
Why do people say this? that when something bad happens like this, they *become* a statistic? Didn't he become one when he got married? |
If you really believe that, then don't give up on him. "i just can't deal with the way he treats me whenever he has one of his little wigg-outs. like i said, i feel like i'm walking on egg shells now." Ah, but that's exactly what you can deal with: your reactions to him. "...in the back of my mind there's this doubt...is he suddenly going to freak out and start being cold and inexpressive..." My trick in these cases is to expect that to happen, and see it as part of my s.o.'s charm (and faults) and just learn to live with it. Now, that doesn't work with someone who is intentionally manipulative, but I trust that my girlfriend isn't that way. She's occasionally had bouts of "I don't wanna be around you" syndrome (not always at a particular time of the month, but usually... :P ) and I just use that as time to spend by myself and get lots of coding done. :) Think of it as male PMS, and you can see how the other half feels on occasion. Now that does mean having a bit of detachment, so you don't get blindsided. Watch how he acts so you can see the warning signs before he has an emotional retreat. But it may just be a part of who he is. If your pain comes from your reaction to his retreating, you can deal with that. "i don't want to be in a relationship with someone who treats me that way or deals with his feelings like that." Well, you basically closed the door on the relationship right there. What you said was, "Become a different person or we won't be together." Ain't gonna happen, at least not on a dime. "i'm just sick of it, the up and down." It's not him that makes you feel this way. It's you reacting in that way to him. "and he *agreed* he has baggage from past relationships." And, so do you, hon. So do we all. He's only human, and he sounds like a decent one at that. You've said as much, but I don't think you've really internalized that. Otherwise I think you'd be less reactionary, less accusatory. I think this one's worth giving the benefit of the doubt. |
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I think. It is a weird statement. |
Sarah, I don't know what you should do. I wish you the best. |
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Antigone raises some good points in going to bat for Senor, but it's ultimately Sarah's life and she doesn't have to give the guy a chance if she doesn't want to. It sort of sounds to me that Sarah's not in love with him anymore, so if that's true, then the best thing she can do is to move on. Anyway, would I be alone in thinking that a "Crossfire" style show on relationships starring Antigone vs. Dr. Phil would be a hoot? |
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you really would. in one big chomp. |
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this morning i was fooled into opening a spam email because the subject line said "need a hug?" senor and i decided to tell people that "we mutually agreed we need to take a break" and keep it at that. in reality we officially have broken up indefinitely. he didn't want this to happen at all, but he told me he thinks we will get back together after a while (in my opinion not because he's going to realize that he's in love with me, but because he's going to get really lonely and bored). i definitely need this to happen, and my instinct tells me we are not going to get back together - that we'll get used to being apart and realize we were better off as good friends. and that i'll probably meet someone else. though if i had it my way, i'd be happy just staying with dave if none of this ever happened. i finally got him to tell me what makes him "not sure". he said it was the passion, or rather, the lack of passion he intermittently feels. which i sometimes sensed, but couldn't really put my finger on what it was. a former me would have assumed that he was utterly grossed out by my body and not attracted to me, but the current me knows that's not necessarily the case. i think mostly of kevin, and how he helped me realize that there are men out there who can see past the scars and stretch marks and skin. some men make love to a person, not just a body. so see? i've made some progress. after sleeping on it, i think when he gets upset at me or we spend too much time together and i get on his nerves (which is totally natural and happens in all relationships - including family and friends), it makes him lose his sexual desire for me. he gets on my nerves sometimes too, the only difference being that it doesn't affect my sex drive whatsoever. i understand that it's just a natural part of being in a relationship. but that makes him think he's not in love with me and that i'm not the one because to him if i was The One, he wouldn't sometimes doubt his sexual desires and passion for me. whatever. that's his issue, not mine. and i can't fix it. so we are remaining friends. we're not going to email or call or anything, but if we see each other out with friends we'll still have a hug and talk and stuff. we don't hate each other at all, it was an amicable, peaceful separation. this morning i canceled my trip to st. louis and will be going straight to detroit and back, and that means i get to spend 2-3 extra days with my family. and dave, being the nice guy he is, told me he'll pay half of whatever it costs me to change my flight. i feel so much better. of course, i'm sad too. but i kinda feel relieved. thanks for your support, guys. thanks for caring, even though you keep hearing the same story from me over and over and over. |
XOXO |
And I can understand Senor's issues with his sex drive, and you're right that he needs to deal with it. Part of it might just be that he's getting older and losing his hormonal umph, which can be unexpected and hard on a guy. But he does need to see that, in a long term relationship, you're not always going to be turned on by your partner. Anyway, you keep telling the same story, we'll all keep giving you the same advice. :) It's like David Byrne's song Heaven. |
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the photos turned out great. i love them and they make me unimaginably sad. |
(i'm sorry you're sad sarah. by the way, you look fantastic in the photos. didn't you post recently that you gained some weight? you look great.) |
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oh man. and i was feeling so tough there for a while. now i feel like i'm about to die. i hate this part. |
you're mentor? this was even more interesting to me as Ive recently been to a therapis who cited cognitive-behavioralism as an apporach to his therapy. Only knowing the sheer basis of such an appoach, i went. In just two visits, i made some decent progress. |
Sarah, you look great, your dog is adorable, and I'm so sorry you feel so bad right now. Hugs. |
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Funny, I just read that page I linked, and Dr. Ellis is mentioned in the second paragraph. :) Anyway, hang in there sarah. No matter what happens we all love you, don't forget that. |
"you should get emotional only about things you know to be true" sometimes people just react to things though...I think it's okay to react, have an emotional response to anything, true or false, as long as you then collect yourself and think it through. |
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I don't know about you, but I cannot choose what and when to feel. I just feel, or I don't feel. I can choose what to do with what I feel. |
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Yes. :) I mean a bit of both. When I know I'll feel an emotion that's not productive, I just let it dissapate, try to not feed and encourage it, ya know? I don't encourage it, but I don't ignore it either. And I try really hard to not let my emotions influence my decisions, or if I do it's only over trivial things that don't affect my life much. It's a skill that can be learned, and meditation helps foster it. (You know, the whole Buddhist non grasping thang.) |
Remember Clementine in Eternal Sunshine? Even though I came to really dislike her character, I totally envied her ability to just freak out the way she did, screaming and crying about feeling erased. I wish I could do that. |
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http://www.printroom.com/ViewAlbum.asp?userid=waffleboy&album_id=179554 |
Some goddamn balloons. |
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Sarah, you look amazing in those pictures. If you said that you gained weight (and I missed that) you must have needed it. You look great. |
the captions were great! I think you have that whole brooding thing down, you know? anywhich, why is it that most pictures look better in black and white? yes, patrick, it helps that you are a great photographer and all, but why is it? any feedback? |
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There is a theory in photography known as 'equivalents'. While there are several aspects to it, in short, it is a state of viewing in which "the individual viewer realizes that for him what he sees in a picture corresponds to something within himself-that is, the photograph mirrors something in himself-then his experience is some degree of Equivalence" -Minor White I have an idea that with black and white, this is more common. I don't know about you, but often, my conscious and unconscious imagination is rarely in full blown color, but more documentary visually. i wont say my imagination or dreams are black and white. They arent, but at the same time, i can't really tell you the color of them either. |
http://www.printroom.com/ViewAlbumPhoto.asp?userid=waffleboy&album_id=179554&image_id=5 i tend to look at this longer, because my eye isnt sure what the fuck is going on and is thrown a bit by all the conflicting geometrics. its hard to gain perspective. its hard to gauge that Im actually about 3 stories above the ground in this. If it were in color, i speculate that perhaps that would be more clear. |
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for instance, i see a b/w photo of a car and I can tell if it's, say, red or yellow. does everyone do this? |
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some gay ass newsstand! |
I think my favorite photo is "some shit in a window" and it has nothing to do with the baubles in the window. The fact that you can see patrick's (if that is patrick) reflection strikes my emotions and makes me want to get to know the person standing there. Definitely a thinker. And patrick, yes your ego is getting stroked, and your wife(if there is one) is very, very lucky. I'll stop before I develop foot-in-mouth disease. All this because you took this photo |
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oh for fucks sakes. where the hell are these people coming from? and why haven't any of you done anything about it? why am i always the one that has to tell to go fuck themselves? |
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badabing! |
. I took the negative out of the scanner so I could shake it and yell at it. That's when I realized it was a black and white negative. . He said The Right Thing. We don't need to know the words. How they felt after he said it matters. |
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if anyone cares, this is what happened. senor ballz and i broke up in june 04. i had had enough of the yo yo ing. of the "i'm not sure". in fact, what happened was, we decided to "take a break" and "see other people". two weeks later i had a date with someone else who i actually really liked a lot. didn't think that would happen so fast. i told senor about the new guy after we'd had 3 dates and i could see it was going to be going somewhere. things with the new guy were great. we dated and had a blast together. he was very different from senor. i needed that. we got engaged on a whim in november. it seemed good and exciting at the time. we were together through the end of the year. when i went to hawaii over holiday break on december '04, i asked the new guy to come with me. he used to live in maui. he chose not to go. while i was away, the time apart gave both of us perspective. i realized it wasn't going to work out. neither of us were surprised nor terribly emotional or sad when after i returned to austin from hawaii and we both agreed to end it. in mid-january i saw senor at a social gathering. i hadn't seen senor in a couple months. i told him i wasn't with the other guy anymore. he won me back a week later. he said all the right things. he did all the right things. he had been miserable and regretting his mistakes and doubts and all the yo yo ing he put me through. we starting house hunting 2-1/2 months later. we bought a house together in may of that year. it's been nothing short of perfect since then. hurray for me! hurray for senor ballz! when i say perfect, i mean like, bizarrely perfect. like fairy tale perfect. we don't have issues. it's just love and laughs. so many laughs, every single day. he is so patient and hilarious and kind and tender and thoughtful and generous and... i would have said all of those things even before he asked me to marry him. i did say those things, all the time, to him, and to my family and friends. we had never talked about marriage. i mean, we didn't NOT talk about it. it wasn't taboo or anything. it just was never an issue. he totally shocked and surprised me by asking me to marry him last month. he proposed to me in port aransas, on the beach at sunset. he had been planning it for months. can i tell you how much it has changed the way i feel? i didn't think it was possible to love someone more. but somehow, knowing we're going to be married, after living together for over a year and knowing it's not something either of us felt like we should do or had to do. i don't know. it's as if my heart unfolded even more and i found love even deeper down inside i never thought was possible. now i know why people make such a big deal out of weddings. getting married is a HUGE deal. it means so much more than i ever realized. |
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(Gotta love that name too -- "senor ballz"! Do you ever call him that, and does he know about this place, and that nickname?) |
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thanks guys! he's awesome too. he's the best. it's cheesy, but i kinda understand what the line "you complete me" means. we were complete before each other of course, but now it's like being completely complete. maybe slightly overstuffed. he doesn't know about sorabji. he doesn't know about his nick name. when i talk about any of you, i just say things like "my friend heather" or "my friend Doug in NY" or "this woman i know in new zealand" etc. i'm not embarrassed to bring him here or anything. i mean, he's reading a book in the other room. if he should wander in here and ask me what i'm doing, i'd say "i'm posting something to a bulletin board." to offer any further explanation would be difficult to explain. and he likely wouldn't be curious beyond that. if he was curious, i'd show him and try to explain. how would i explain all of you? it's not something you can describe. you're either in it, or your not. mostly it's just that sorabji is my private, safe place. (i was crushed when it finally was able to be searched by the outside world). and two, i highly doubt he would take the time to get into the groove here, unless someone wants to talk smack about sports with him. it's good to have some separate interests. i don't know though. maybe i'll try to bring him aboard. it would be funny if he actually posted as Senor Ballz. he's got a sense of humor, so it could happen. |
and i can tell by the mood of your latest posts that you're finally comfortable being sarah. and that's what it's all about. i hope that doesn't sound condescending. i have a big issue with offering both congratulatory and conciliatory support because it always seems so hallmark card-ish. so i've decided to eliminate hallmark from the face of the earth. my plan involves using the sun at the center of our solar system to blow everything to smithereens. so, thousands of millions of years from now, so help me, hallmark will eat their words of sympathy and encouragement. |
There is a gentleness in your manner that calms me.How lucky senor is to have found you! I don't know if I would bring him here.This is such a special place.A place where we all belong,we all fit.No matter what.In our brightest and darkest moments,we can find acceptance here. And understanding.It feels good to belong.It feels good to care about you all.How many times have each of us gotten off the computer,and sat in silent contemplation,and worried or felt uplifted about a fellow Sorabjites travels through life? You are all such special people to me.You mean more to me than any of you can know.You have enriched my life,and I am the better for it.You are dear friends,that have found your way into my heart. I love you all.You have earned my respect,and thats not something I give easily. What a diverse group we are.So many personalities,with all our idiosyncrasies and opinions,our fights,our romances,the joys and sorrows we've shared.Thank you,for being you. I feel special because of you.Each of you are special to me,like priceless gems,that I covet and savor the beauty of.How fortunate I am. Oh dear,I must be getting soft in my old age.I'll pull myself together here. Now,what is this madness you speak of,that Sorabji was searched by the outside world?Please tell me of this.I feel so dirty,violated. Even though I appeared somewhat soft,in my above post,I'm still a tough little firecracker,and won't hesitate to use my sharp tongue to defend all here. You can count on Cz to be there if you need her. |
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thank you again. cz, thank you for being as mushy and sweet as i want to be sometimes. you said it perfectly. |
Your life is finally moving into the phase that you deserve for it to be in. Bravo, Sarah. |
You and I have agreed that upon any visit I will be priviledged with an introduction, right? And I love what you say about this sorabjiland place, this on line refuge among real people. I have met the most unusual and extraordinary real people here... But not all real people understand what we have here: Years ago, long before that wonderful, beautiful, magical sorbjilady brought me archaic trinkets from the Danube because of this sorabjiland connection, my time spent communicating with other sorabjites likely contributed to loss of a primary relationship. Once, and only because the primary relationship felt left out and insecure. But it was not the cause, and it was you people who helped me keep me together when the relationship finally agonizingly died a slow death. And helped me heal. Though I am less and less here, I still check in weekly, and I still view Mark's little playground as a special place, to which entrance and acceptance (after the initial shockwave of crap that new comers get...) I feel most privileged. And I am most happy for the most recent finding of happiness. |
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