| THIS IS A READ-ONLY ARCHIVE FROM THE SORABJI.COM MESSAGE BOARDS (1995-2016). |
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So here is the whole nasty story, cuz I am still trying to get it all straight in my head. When my family came out to visit in July my sister and her husband came with. We kept hearing the story of the horrible T and how T was spreading rumours and saying my sister was having an affair to try to ruin my sisters marriage and take her husband. Horrible slut T. T the awful. T the traitor of a friend. September 20th (my dad's bday) mom goes into the hospital, is there for a week. Doctors say they think it is diverticulitis, but she is too enflamed to do the testing. Put her on a special diet, scheduled the testing for the end of december, sent her home. November 20th (mom's bday) mom back in hospital again for another week. Doctors say still think it is diverticulitis, still too enflamed, rescheduled testing for end of January, sent her home on special diet again. Mom adheres to diet like glue for fear of colostomy and being on a bag. January 5th, Mom back in hospital. Testing done. Officially diverticulitis. Not that bad, going to do colostomy, should be no big deal, no bag. Mom goes into surgery and the doc's say "Oh shit this is a whole lot worse than the previous scope showed. Gonna have to take 6 inches, and it is either bad or death by peritonitis. Dad says "bag" (just like we all would have my mom is only 51 and in general good health). Mom wakes up with bag and is mondo pissed off. Has a hard time recovering. Reversal surgery looks like it would be between the beginning of May and June. My sister is preggers. Due date April 30th. They currently have Christopher. Christopher is not potty trained yet (4 1/2 years old) and she's having problems with him. She was concidering sending him to me for a while. You all know I don't have a good relationship with her because of what happened to Christopher in the first place, but I figure, no matter how I feel, I need to support and encourage her to do the right things with him since she has him anyways. Things didn't seem TOO bad, so I tried to help her for Christopher's sake. Next thing you know my sister is calling me for hours on end discussing her problems in her marriage (and there were a LOT of them) and not knowing what to do about them. Talking about not knowing how to work with Christopher, her and her hubby fighting all the time, and her not eating. She's now 7 months along and only weighs 106 lbs dripping wet. So this continues for a couple of weeks and I finally get to the point where I tell her that she needs to hope for the best and prepare for the worst in her marriage, because I already told her that I would have left and given her options, and she needs to start being realistic that this marriage most likely won't make it. She starts crying and freaking out. My parents then start discussing taking Christopher back because all of the fighting and stuff around him has got to be fucking him up, not counting the neglect on his emotional end. I push them a bit in this, but they understand why I am being more forceful with them about this. It's about that poor little boy getting a stable home environment. They fight me some, but that is because things are so hard on Mom right now and Dad is really worried about her. They really SHOULDN'T be in this position right now. It's so hard on Mom that she is a total fucking train wreck and Dad is hanging on by a thread. He calls me and then apologizes for telling me his secrets (ie his feelings in dealing with all this stuff at once) saying I'm the only one he can talk to like this. He's at his hearts end right now. The got my sister on Friday afternoon and took her back to their place and informed both my sister and her husband that they are officially NOW taking Christopher back into their care until which time my sister and her hubby can provide a stable healthy environment for him. My sister talks to her hubby on the phone that evening and he says that he doesn't want "out" he just wants to be alone for a while to figure things out. As previously planned on Saturday he goes to childhood friend G's house to talk. He finally starts talking. Leave's G's house and goes to my parents to talk with my sister, and talk with my parents. It looks grim but it is understandable, both sides in this relationship have made mistakes, continually, and made bad ones. But he's talking now, and he has some valid points of things he just can't take anymore. I told dad to prepare for the worst. My sister is refusing to face it. She's refusing to concider divorce. The timing couldn't be worse with her being preggers and due in two months. She's a basketcase, and Mom and Dad are cleaning up the mess. So yesterday Dad went out to my sisters house with my sister to pack up Christopher's things, pack up what she needs while they are separated, and get her minivan. My sister just sits on the living room floor and cries and goes back into her "hunger strike mode" where she doesn't eat for days. Eventually my dad gets her up to help, but it takes work. While they were there, hubby decided to confide in my dad to tell dad he will be filing divorce paperwork today. He didn't tell my sister. My dad said he wasn't going to be put in the middle of it and that hubby had to tell my sister. Hubby said he would. Basically my sister and Christopher are the ONLY ones who don't know that hubby is filing for divorce today. Not only is mom having to deal with the "shit bag" as she calls it, they got in such financial straights that she had to go back to work last week and after one week is popping pain killers on the job and they had to set back the date of her reversal surgery, now we don't know when it will be. She's also having to try to get Annie (my sister) to eat which isn't working and they have discovered that Christopher is in bad shape, and that he has been seriously neglected and have to get him together again. I'm a thousand miles away from them right now. The only thing I can do is to be there for them on the phone when they call, and to check up on them and offer advice. My mom said the only thing I can do that would help her and dad right now would be to take annie, but she's too far along to travel here safely, even road travel could induce preterm labor at this point, so there is really nothing I can do. I'm confused, angry, frustrated, sad, and have even got to the points where sometimes I can't be the strong one and break down and cry when I hang up the phone (that's happened twice now). I don't know how to help my parents, or that baby my sister is carrying. I know Christopher is covered and he will be fine in a few months, but that's the only I know of that will be fine. And there is nothing I can do to help, when I am the one person in the best position in life to help. OK, finished my rant......bring on the comments......ask questions.......maybe with other heads in my head I can at least deal with this better and help assist my entire family to a place where healing will eventually come naturally to them all. |
I don't know how to help them either. Where's Maxine Gray when you need her? it really sounds like your sister is not emotionally mature enough to handle children. Is foster care an option? She sounds like she needs some strict discipline in her life. |
She needs one of those group homes where they take really fucked up women and teach them basic life skills. Can you still send people to convents? My only real thought is for your entire family to just drop the nutcase, and maybe losing a kid through her own stupidity will be the only thing that makes her wake the hell up. She's just going to starve the thing and hopefully have CPS take it away again. Perhaps a lifetime of crippling regret is as close as she can come to a stable life. Maybe she'll find jesus or something. Is she ever going to be better? Really?? If this seems too harsh, you may remember that during the original Christopher fiasco i suggested you pay someone to kidnap the child for you. I stand by this :) |
My parents also got in touch with the social worker that they have been working with in Christopher's case and also the woman who works in DFS as well, so they are all up on what is going on (to a point). Annie will be living in the basement apartment, so Mom and Dad will be able to keep a close eye on everything. But my sister didn't learn a damned thing when she lost Christopher and is still blaming it on other people today. She's playing the victim in all of this. It's a constant pity me, pity me, nag nag, whine whine, abomination that removes any responsibility in her own mind. It's insane and ridiculous. I got into a hour long shouting match with her yesterday. I found out that her hubby can't file for divorce right now. There is a law in Missouri that you can't file for divorce if the female spouse is pregnant, so Mike will have to wait until after Matthew is born to file. The rest of the nut jobs in MO are now thinking that will give my sister time to win him back. My sister cheated on him with his best friend for fucks sake, he has every reason to want to walk, and I can't blame him. In that kind of situation only you can decide if that relationship even can be saved, trust can happen, etc again. But she says "It was before we went to marriage counceling. And I didn't have sex with him, just oral. And it only happened once. So that's not cheating, and I didn't cheat on him." WTFever. Hubby feels hurt and betrayed and lied to, whether she lied to him or not. If he's hurt like he is then she HAS done something wrong. Is she ever going to get better? I seriously doubt it, though after talking with her so much lately that I know exactly which synapses aren't firing properly, and what it is that needs to be fixed in her head to bring her back to reality. But it would be A DAMNED LOT of work. I know it sounds trivial but I got royally pissed off yesterday when she was discussing the many ways in which she is ugly, bitching about her physical appearance. Damnit the only difference between her and I in appearance is 2 inches in height, her eyes are blue where mine are green, and her teeth are more crooked than mine, and I have standards for personal hygeine where she only shaves her legs once or twice a year. I sure as fuck am NOT ugly. I'm a strong woman in my 30's and I may be a little softer than I was 10 years ago, and things may be starting to move south, but I still fit into a size 0 when I want to. Every line on my face when I smile just shows character and I am proud of them. I love how I look and I love who I am as a person and I will be damned if someone who is my physical twin (give or take two small features) is gonna run around talking about how ugly they are.......... |
sounds like a hard time to be going through. it can be so frustrating when someone refuses to see things as they are and there's absolutely nothing you or anyone can do to change their perspective. of all the perpetual "victems" I've ever known in my life, none of them have Ever Ever changed. I'm proud of you and your folks for doing what you can, eri. |
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Mandatory sterility suddenly sounds very nice. It sounds like your sister has a lot of growing up to do, and once you get the children out of harm's way maybe it's time to let her do just that? |
i highly suggest therapy for all involved, even you. If the spunkers has your on his healthcare, you might be able to get some basic behavioral therapy for just a co payment. theres a lot of serious issues going on here.sorting these emotions could help you be a better help to them. your sister needs major help and in no way should she have custody of any children. If she intentionally malnurishes herself and subsequently the child,isnt there precedent that she potentially be charged with child endangerment or something like that? hang in there and seriously, take care of yourself. |
Manditory sterility.......boy oh boy, have you nailed it on the head with that one. We have said she is a walking case for manditory sterility since she first got pregnant with Christopher. On the up side, Spunky got a new job today, well the job offer. In the neighborhood of $15k a year more in pay, getting him back on a military base, with lots of opportunity for growth, advancement, pay increases, etc. He's getting the hell out of KCI and away from corporate america workforce. He's so happy. |
Is this going to require yet another relocation? |
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but hooray for spunky! |
Oh, and I was off when I said the amount of the raise. We did the calculations with the overtime he will be making and it is more like $19k a year in a raise. It makes up for the job I lost and then some. I just know he was SOOOOO much happier when he was on base before and working for the military before, and he really loathed the corporate america games he got when he got this last job and was just miserable. I look forward to him being happy with his job again. He does deserve to be contented and not miserable all the time. So I am totally jazzed for him. |
eri, I am so sorry everything is so insane and stressful right now. your sister's situation looks pretty bleak...I believe strongly in people's ability to wrestle with their demons and recover their sanity, move forward, or stop their destructive behavior, but they have to want to, I mean REALLY want to...and it doesn't sound like your sister wants to. There are parallels with addiction, I suppose, but it's also different. I second what Patrick said about therapy, for everyone. I have a friend who says she goes to therapy because no one else in her family will. I don't think the situations are comprable, but I know it helps her immensely. |
My sister is finally starting to think. She's still delusional, but she is starting to mentally wrestle with some of this, speaking with a clear head for once. Starting to work through some things, which is one small step in the right direction, but it does make her easier to deal with. The news of Spunky getting the new job really helped my mother's mood and helped to bring her up a notch. She's still angry and upset about her situation, but has the room to start feeling happy and it is amazing how much of a positive impact a little pride in her son in law can bring her. She's also hoping that with this new job that it will open the door for us to transfer back there eventually and then she will have help and support when she needs it. Thank you guys for all of the support here and the ideas........end of mushiness before I get started and go crazy. |
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I actually really liked working on the post when I was doing archaeology for the Army Reserve on a temporary basis. I hated living in the ass end of nowhere, but the post itself was full of wildlife and really pretty scenery and interesting archaeology sites, and I liked the people I worked with. |
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