Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall be deemed to be a cat. -- Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. -- Will Rogers

The wise programmer is told about the Tao and follows it. The average programmer is told about the Tao and searches for it. The foolish programmer is told about the Tao and laughs at it. If it were not for laughter, there would be no Tao. The highest sounds are the hardest to hear. Going forward is a way to retreat. Greater talent shows itself late in life. Even a perfect program still has bugs. -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"

"Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the Machineries of Joy? That is, did not God promote environments, then intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men and women, such as are we all? And thus happily sent forth, at our best, with good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are we not God's Machineries of Joy?" "If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin." -- R. Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy"

"You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. " --Frank Zappa

"I drink to make other people interesting."    --George Jean Nathan

...where DOES he find this stuff?

shake and shake the ketchup bottle, first comes none, and then a lottle. -my grandpa (now deceased).

Oh, I had a little chickie, And he wouldn't lay an egg, So I poured hot water up and down his leg, Well, that little chickie hollered, and that little chickie bellered, And that little chickie layed a hard boiled egg. -- sung by my favorite uncle on long road trips, who was killed in an accident when I was six. Ignore the cruelty to animals and the fact that the reason the chicken was reluctant to lay eggs may have been its gender.

Three, six, nine, the goose drank wine, the monkey chewed tobacco on the streetcar line, the line broke, the monkey got choked, and we all went to heaven in a little row boat, clap clap. --my uncle wayne

shit...screwed it up. 6th line should be: and THEY all went to heaven in a little row boat.

tom waits sings that, too. i wonder if he learned it from your uncle wayne.

clap hands

"Bullshit is the lubrication of the wheels of progress." ---My Friend Bill

"I'm so horny the crack o' dawn better watch out for me!" -Tom Waits: Nighthawks at the Diner

"Save Soviet Jews, Win valuable prizes..." Mace, Hells Angels, NYC

Waits is an eminently quotable source, especially on Nighthawks. But he got it from his Uncle Vernon, who's independent as a hog on ice.

who's Uncle Vernon? and more importantly, does he have any advil? my ankle is killing me.

Uncle Vernon plays one of them accordian things.

Screw Advil, try Placidyl...... Real nice, except for the heart burn..... Mean Green Jelly Beans Rule !!!! I used to get them from a brother named Billy in Union Square Park, but that was before they cleaned it up... Good Luck

yeah? does billy do delivery runs to downtown manhattan? "The Bigger The Headache, The Bigger The Pill" -George Clinton

Vicodin Vicodin Vicodin The only true instant relief. Would it pain you more to know that I have some right here?

you are a truly horrible and merciless woman. i would hobble through the south bronx drunk and naked in the middle of the night for a Vicodin right now. there is no justice in the world.

My mother used to sing this song: "There was an old woman who lived in the woods WeeLUH, WeeLUH, WAH-yuh There was an old woman who lived in the woods down by the river Saw-YUH She had a babby six months old WeeLUH, WeeLUH, WAH-yuh She had a babby six months old down by the river Saw-YUH then there was a verse I can't remember about the babby crying... followed by: She stuck a knife in the babby's head WeeLUH, WeeLUH, WAH-yuh She stuck a knife in the babby's head down by the river Saw-YUH Two policemen and a man WeeLUH, WeeLUH, WAH-yuh something I don't remember again, sorry... The moral of the story is WeeLUH, WeeLUH, WAH-yuh don't stick knives in babby's heads down by the river Saw-YUH I used to, and still think, that it was a HORRIBLE song to sing ever, let alone to children. Of course she could have been trying to scare us into being good little kiddies. eeek.

and you said you were in training, for me?????? i pity the fool....... i hope you aren't playing opossum. you don't even want to hear what the geese did to the opossum that attempted a midnight raid on their grain feeder. do the sorabjite thing--call a doctor and get some drugs.

"uhh... Dr. Miller? Hi. I seem to have hurt my foot the other day. what? yeah. it hurts a lot. look, i don't want to take up too much of your time, so here's what i need: 12 month supply of Vicodin (@10 pills/day) 12 month supply of Xanax 100 12 month supply of Percoset 10 ounces of pharmaceutical grade cocaine 10 ounces of THC-fortified hydroponic chronic 10 sheets of high-powered blotter acid 5 ounces of peyote 5 ounces of psilocybin 25 DMT pellets a bottle of cuervo 1800 and a couple of advil. uh.. wha? whaddayamean 'no'?!?"

he turned he down because you forgot to include the mescaline and opium.

It was the Cuervo. You gotta use a good stout as a buffer to wash pharmaceuticals down; ask any pharmacist. Or at least one named O'Brien.

Graffiti seen in Georgetown after the Chinese crackdown on the pro-democracy students: "FREE CHINA" Underneath that, some wit wrote: "SILVERWARE 1/2 OFF"

ROFLMBAOff! (That was you/wasn't it Nate?) Only in America can people mock those fighting for Democratic freedom abroad. But man, that shit was funny...

i love you a bushel and a peck a bushel and a peck a bushel and a peck and a hug around the neck. --my gram (deceased)

Oh my! That song was my grandmother favorite song. I believe I was the only grandchild who was born in time to ever hear her sing it. I'm teaching it to my youngest sister now...so she can carry it on to the next generation! A hug around the neck, And a barrel and a heap, a barrel and a heap, and I'm talking in my sleep, about you...about you...

'Mounten' wird fuer drei Dinge benutzt: 'Aufsitzen' auf Pferde, 'einklinken' von Festplatten in Dateisysteme, und, nun, 'besteigen' beim Sex. (Christa Keil in a German posting)

SEMINAR ANNOUNCEMENT Title: Are Frogs Turing Compatible? Speaker: Don "The Lion" Knuth ABSTRACT Several researchers at the University of Louisiana have been studying the computing power of various amphibians, frogs in particular. The problem of frog computability has become a critical issue that ranges across all areas of computer science. It has been shown that anything computable by an amphi- bian community in a fixed-size pond is computable by a frog in the same-size pond -- that is to say, frogs are Pond-space complete. We will show that there is a log-space, polywog-time reduction from any Turing machine program to a frog. We will suggest these represent a proper subset of frog-computable functions. This is not just a let's-see-how-far-those-frogs-can-jump seminar. This is only for hardcore amphibian-computation people and their colleagues. Refreshments will be served. Music will be played.

Ja, und? Ich muss sagen, dass ich die Humor hier nicht sehe. Und wer ist diese Frau Keil?

I'm just realizing my little song memory was out of place in this thread. What was I thinking?

what's the difference between mounting horses and the sexual connotation of mounting? Those whacky germans. "Semaphores do not exchange data between processes. They are counters that are used to provide synchronized access to a shared data object among multiple processes." -David A. Curry "Los semaforos no intercambian datos entre los procesos. Son los contadores que se utilizan para proporcionar al acceso sincronizado a un objeto compartido de los datos entre procesos multiples." -David A. Curry (translated from the English.)

Oh yeah, and: "Don't fuck with my mutex." -Method Man

Fuck the mutex, I want the Spandex....

i don't think jim's song was out of place. but this is: causes eye irritation. harmful if swallowed. do not get in eyes or on clothing. avoid contact with skin. wash hands thoroughly with soap and warm water after handling. keep out of reach of children. do not contaminate feed or food. do not use on puppies under seven weeks of age. as with any product, consult your veterinarian before using this product on debilitated, aged, pregnant, or nursing animals. if your animal is on medication, consult your veterinarian before using this or any other product.

That's not amusing, that is the warning on the NJ Turnpike entrance ramps.....

nate, i have a horse from germany, a zweibrucker. mounting is what the rider does. when a stud does it, it is called "covering" the mare. part of my last job as a barn slave involved handling the thoroughbred stud, the pregnant mares and their foals, and in breeding season, "teasing" the mares. meaning you bring a gelding to the mare, and if she doesn't kick his head off, she could be ready for the real thing. you also have to inspect the vagina for a certain shade of pink, telling you it's exactly time. is this more than you wanted to know? because there's lots more.

mumble mumble upper volta mumble mumble. i think i've got it covered.

i wish i could stop laughing long enough to type an equally humorous and worthy reply. es wurde jetzt nicht passieren.

Nate, that's Burkina Faso now. Time to update the old Rand McNally. Sheila, exactly what shade of pink is that? That could be useful information for when...I, uh, I've got some horses to breed, um, yeah.

The reason that every major university maintains a department of mathematics is that it's cheaper than institutionalizing all those people.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.

Woody: How are you feeling today, Mr. Peterson? Norm: Poor. Woody: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Norm: No, I meant `pour'. -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 3 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's the story? Norm: Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy gets another beer. -- Cheers, The Proposal Paul: Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you? Norm: Like a baby treats a diaper. -- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash

Sheila, you're more of a Babe than I'll ever be. You cdn't EVEN get me in btwn 2 horses trying to get it on! And shdn't the male be able to 'inspect' the females for rediness himself? Who wd know better than he wd? Or is the mating of horses something that requires precision timing? I mean/they did all right for thousands of years in the wild w/out, ummm, inspectors & such. (Aren't you afraid one of them will brain ya for getting too close?)

"How is the world treating you?" "Like it caught me with its wife..."

Tough titty said the kitty when the milk went dry. --don't remember

"I love small towns. Where else can you get out of jail to be someone's pall bearer?" --Paul Newman in character (can't think of character's name) from "Nobody's Fool."

Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear.... Fuzzy Wuzzy lost his hair... Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn't fuzzy, was he? Origin Unknown

my grandmother was an especially neurotic irish-catholic woman with perpetually worried eyes and gaunt, angular features. she knew what a horrible place the world could be and even disinfected oranges before she gave the to my father. despite this, she loved to sing irish songs. not long ago one of them came to mind; i could remember the tune and some lines but not the whole song. I looked for it on an "irish folk songs" site, but couldn't find it. So I posted a query, not really expecting anything. the next day i get an email with the full lyrics; it's signed "with regards, Teru, Japan." Where else? it's the same old shilellagh my father brought from ireland and divil a man would fash with him when he had it in his hand. he used to take it to bed with him, he'd never part with it. for sure, a' one would monkey with it, begorrah, he'd have a fit. with that same old shillelagh my father could whip a thousand men. as soon as they got up, begorrah, he'd knock them down again. and many's the time he's used it on me to make me understand. it's that same old shillelagh my father brought from ireland.

"I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me... I pushed '1' and he just stood there... I said 'Hi, where you going?' He said, 'Phoenix.' So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... we were in downtown Phoenix. I looked at him and said 'You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with.' We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert. Then the phone rang. He said 'You get it.' I picked it up and said 'Hello?'... the other side said 'Is this Steven Wright?'... I said 'Yes...' The guy said 'Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank... It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you... we would just like to know what happened to the money?' I said, 'Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear weapon... and I would appreciate it if you never called me again." -- Steven Wright

You know the great thing about TV? If something important happens anywhere at all in the world, no matter what time of the day or night, you can always change the channel. -- Jim Ignatowski

The bitch set me up! -- any guesses who said this? No fair answering, PetRock or Markus.

I'm not a vegetarian because I like animals, I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Coca Cola is it! ----------- Whats it? Anthony K - Red Hot Chilli Peppers

"Did you ever notice that Chinese Food is a great idea before you have it?" - my roommate

Let us so live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry. -- Mark Twain

I have had everything. None of it was worth anything. --Septimus Tuam

Oops, that goes under Inspiring Quotes from Specific Places. Sorry.

We're not picky.

"We're not picky." -TBone

"LOL" -Jim aka PajamaBoy

"One time I went to a German-Chinese restaurant...two hours later I was hungry for power." -Unknown But it's funny no? Take a seat I've got more!

"If all men are created equal, then why do fat people use more soap?" No pun intended for all you fatties... TAKE A JOKE thankyou for your patronage

"If you can't hack "selective reduction," put down the goddamn fertility drugs! Adopt or live without. If I see one more "Octuplet Update" on CNN, or listen to one more criminally irresponsible mom and dad claim they couldn't abort a few fetuses because "only God can make that decision," I'm gonna have a stroke. If it were up to God, you wouldn't have kids. God made you sterile. And God wasn't shoving all those man-made fertility drugs down your throats. And a note to the media: The abuse of fertility drugs doesn't merit the kind of awestruck, miracle-of-birth, we're-rooting-for-them-tiny-babies-as-they-fight-for-life coverage lavished on the "Houston Octuplets." You don't fawn over heroin users and crystal-meth addicts, do you? Well, don't make human-interest heroes of men and women who abuse fertility drugs." -Dan Savage Amen!

"Will you kids be quiet! I'm not paying $2.95 a goddamn minute to hear <i>you</i> scream!" -Bil, from my favorite quote from the Dysfunctional Family Circus

"Who's going to save the Schoolbus?!" --Moose "A friend in need is a friend indeed, but a friend with weed is better. A friend with breasts and all the rest, a friend who's dressed in leather." --Placebo

There ain't no devil, there's just God when He's drunk.

Roses are red, violence is too My heart's in the wrong place and it wants to go home Do you have any idea what it's like to live inside someone who hates you? --all Lydia Lunch We put the Lord in mailorder --Jetset records catalog

"Any kind of lie is subtle to women" --some mightily bitter guy

"Don't ever let on that you have the Son of God stashed in your trunk." -Nate's mother

"welcome to emma's birthday party!"- cleo's friend emma's birthday invitation. (emma's father is swedish and speaks not-so-great english) "admit one child 12 years old and under."- circus brochure for reduced ticket price.

Your lives are in the hands of men no smarter than you or I, many of them incompetent boobs. I know this because I worked alongside them, gone bowling with them, watched them pass me over for promotions time and again. And I say... This stinks! Homer Simpson

Remember as far as anyone knows, we're a nice normal family. Don't eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them. Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so that it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use. What's the point of going out, we're just going to end up back here anyway? Don't mess with the dead, boy, they have eerie powers. If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it - Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers! That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college! You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'. God bless those pagans. I'm in a place where I don't know where I am! What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts. Beer. Now there's a temporary solution No, no, no, Lisa. If adults don't like their jobs, they don't go on strike. They just go in every day and do it really half-assed. Dear Lord, thank You for this microwave bounty, even though we don't deserve it. I mean... our kids are uncontrollable hellions! Pardon my French... but they act like savages! Did You see them at the picnic? Oh, of course You did... You're everywhere, You're omnivorous. Oh Lord! Why did You spite me with this family? You know Moe, my mom once said something that really stuck with me. She said, `Homer, you're a big disappointment', and God bless her soul, she was really onto something. When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV! The lesson is: Our God is vengeful! O spiteful one, show me who to smite and they shall be smoten!!! Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know that. Sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves! I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell? No matter how good you are at something, there's always about a million people better than you. All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat!?'. I'm trying to impress people here Lisa. You don't win friends with salad. Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman - and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing. Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true! If something is to hard to do, then it's not worth doing. I've always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is -- and it's me. And my personal favorite: Unlike most of you, I am not a nut. Homer Simpson

"Philosophers weep at the sound of your voice." -Bucky D. Katt.

"There's more to life than books, you know, but not much more." -Morrissey