A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is this gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air and hands it back. Oh my, I am so sorry the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come over to her place for a nightcap....and stay for breakfast the next morning. The next morning she cooks breakfast with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been incredible!. You know he said, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? No she replies--YOU JUST HAPPENED TO CATCH MY EYE.

BoOo, MoOn!!!!!! actually, it was catchy( pun intended ).

someone tell the joke about the string who goes into a bar and wants a drink and the bartender won't give it to him. someone, please.

little girl, "Mommy can I go out and play with the boys?" mother, "No they're too rough" little girl, "If I find a smooth one can I play with him?"

piece of string walks into a bar. he sits down on a stool and orders a beer. the bartender says, "hey, we don't serve your kind here." The string walks out of the bar dejected. then he thinks, "i'm not gonna take that shit," and musses up his hair, ties himself in a knot and goes back into the bar. the bartender serves him a beer and then says, "hey, aren't you the same piece of string that was just in here?" "no," said the string. "i'm a frayed knot."

Oh ho ho ho ahhhhh ahahahahaha! Okay okay here we go, no puns or anything but: Three girls are in a bar and all sitting up stools when one of the girls says: "Man, I'm so loose, my man can fit his hand inside me." Second girls says: "That's nothing, my man can fit his head inside of me." The third one was on the floor.

i don't get it.

Think really hard.

Neither do I.....how about a hint?

Alright alright for God's sake. Try to picture this, if the first woman is slightly loose, how loose do you think the last one will be? Eh? Eh?? If she can fit a stopsign up there, what else do you think she can fit in?

A red pickup truck?

cigarette lighter?

a barstool.

DING DING DING!

has everybody heard the one about the guy who walks into a bar and makes a horse laugh and cry?

i got it Jina........(pssssst....it's god in my pants)

Barstool? Physically impossible. If the said barstool is at least 3' tall, her liver would be hangin' outta her mouth. There are limitations of the body cavity.

Ah, Pink, there's no limitations with jokes, are there?

did guilliver go to the land of the big people or the land of the little people first?

Well, no. But I got too literal with it for a minute and decided to be an ass about. That's just me.

I crusha your head! Crush! Crush!

you missed! [ squeezing my thumb and forefinger together ] I'm crushing your head. Crush! Crush! Crush!

Oh that was cruel! [puts her thumb in front of her view of Pinky] Nobody's home!

missed again, Jina!

>:(

I'm sorry, Jin. I hafta go to bed now...got to be at work at 9 bells. better luck next time *smooch*.

I'm pinching your face....pinch pinch

Two requests... 1)A farmer's daughters joke. Or two. Or ten. B)A REAL scary story to tell sitting around a bonfire in the dark (next Thursday, time is of the essence!)

access denied please re-enter your password

Got neither...but try this one Two guys (Jake and John) were out for a walk on a path in the forest and they came upon a hole in the middle of the path. "Wonder how deep this is?', asked Jake as he kicked a couple of pebbles in the hole. They listened....and listened....and didn't hear them hit bottom. "Let's try something a little bigger", said John as he tossed in a rock. They listened and listened..............still heard nothing. They began to search for something even bigger and Jacke yelled at his buddy, "John...give me a hand with this railroad tie...it should make a noise for us". They each grabbed an end and threw it in. Just then they heard a rustling in the trees...and geez....there's a goat running right at them....it runs right between them and jumps into the hole and disappears.... and then they heard some more movement in the trees and it is a farmer. The farmer asked them, "Have you fellows seen my goat around here?" "One just jumped into this hole" "Can't be mine....it's chained to an old railroad tie."

What's white and streaks through the sky? The cumming of the Lord.

Ew. Has anyone ever heard a dumb blonde joke that involves something about practicing for the rowing team out in the middle of a cornfield? If only I could remember it...it's good.

FUCK THE CANADIANS!

Can't help but here is favourite blonde joke Blonde was fed up with constant jokes so she went and got her hair dyed black..Few days later she went for a drive in the countryside. She came across and farmer out in the field...she stopped and approached him. She asked, "If I guess how many sheep are in the this field, can I have one for a pet?" Farmer thought about it.....and said "sure". She looked out voer the pasture and etermined there were 187 sheep and the field...The farmer was amazed but confirmed she was correct. Off she went to collect her new pet and as she was putting it in the backseat of her car the farmer tapped her on the shoulder, "If I guess what colour your hair really is...can I have my dog back?"

Nate..........who pissed in your cereal this morning?

Uhm there was a real story about a woman who thought her brain was coming out because some overheated pilsbury dough holder burst open and the dough landed on the back of her head. People tried to help her and explain she was fine but she argued and wouldn't budge her hand from the spot. I don't know what the punline is.

A salesman broke down on a country road. It was late so he walked to the nearest farm house and the farmer told him that he could stay the night but cannot go near the barn because his monster is in there. The salesman agreed but thought, that's where he keeps his daughter. About midnight the salesman snuck out to the barn and shined his flashlight in on some type of fleshy hairy mound. He then threw a pebble at it, it opened one eye then closed it again. The salesman was really curious now so he found a tree branch and poked it. The monster raised it's head, looked at him then laid his head back down. The salesman couldn't help himself, he just had to touch the creature. Upon touching the monster it jumped up and began chasing the terrified salesman through the fields. The monster chased him to the woods where the salesman got cornered against the face of a cliff. The salesman began crying and chanting prayers while awaiting his fate. The monster ran up, touched his shoulder and.......... said, "TAG YOU'RE IT!"

Well here's a gross one. I heard it from this British guy, and I forget some of it so bear with me. Three guys are in a bar and this stranger comes up to him. He looks at them and says: "The first thing that your wife beckons you to do, you shall do." They all look at him kind of funny and head for home. The next day while they're in the bar, each one asked each other, "So, what did she want?" First one has a big grin and said, "Crazy sex. All night long." Second one looks satisfied and says, "Eh, she just wanted me to cook dinner." Third one looks down and pulls a piece of meat with hair out of his coat pocket. "What's that?" ask the other two. he says, "Well when I got home I started puting some moves on her, fondling her a bit and she just giggled and said 'cut it out.'" Ewwwwww!! Ewwwww! OhmiGOD!

that blonde with the dough thing happened in LA. of all places. the cops finally had to jimmy the door. when they took her hand from her head, they found the dough. no one pissed in my cereal. i had waffles.

and these meatless morning star farms breakfast patties. they're really quite good, and have less fat and cholestorol than sausage patties.

farmer joke #2 A traveling salesman breaks down on a lonely road late at night. Way off in the distance, he sees a light. He walks and walks and finally comes upon a farmhouse, surrounded by miles of cornfields on every side. He rings the bell... "Hi, my car broke down. Can I use your phone?" The farmer looks long and hard at the saleman. "Mister, you're welcome to stay the night and call in the morning. But there's one condition. You gotta stay out of the barn. That's where my virgin son stays. "Whoa!" says the salesman, "wrong joke!"

A man from out of town decides to drop in for a drink at the first bar he spots. Upon entering the bar he realised that it was a gay bar. He ordered a drink anyway but the bartender said, "I can't serve you until you tell us the name of your dick." The man stunned mumbled, "Huh?" The bartender replied, "I call mine Timex, because it takes a licking and keeps on ticking." A man on the next bar stool added, "Mine's called Nike, because I just do it." So the man thought for a minute and said, "I'll call mine Secret, because it's strong enough for a man but made for women."

A blonde calls her boyfriend at work at 9 in the morning. "I need you to come over to my place and help me." "What's wrong?" the boyfriend asks. "Someone left this jigsaw puzzle on my kitchen table this morning. I've got all the pieces spread out and I can't make heads or tails out of it." "Did you look at the box?" "Yes." "What's on the front of the box" "A picture of a tiger." "Then the puzzle is a picture of a tiger. You need to arrange the pieces so that they look like a tiger and then start putting them together." "Uh, okay." Five p.m. rolls around. The boyfriend's phone rings. "Hello." "I still have yet to get 2 pieces of this puzzle together. You had better stop here on your way home or we are through!" Boyfriend stops at the blonde's house, looks at the kitchen table and asks her one question. "Got any coffee?" "Yes, why?" "If you'll go make some coffee, I'll sit here and put these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

agreed nate, have you tried the links? i do prefer the patties, but i draw the line at Egg Beaters.......

blondes offended

blonde joke=ouch! Q: what does a skeleton order when he goes into a bar? A: A beer and a mop (ba-da-ding!)

huh? A beer and a mop? What the fuck? I'm not following on that one, can you explain? Please? fnord

Twas brillig, and the slithy troves did gyre and gimbal in the wabe. All mimsy were the borogroves and the mome raths outgrabe.

Through the looking Glass!

And Pamela, you REALLY need to read the Illuminatus.

yes... yes I do...

Two men walk into a bar. The third ducked. And by request.... A man walks into a bar, orders a beer, and notices that over in the corner is a stall with some hay and a rather bored looking horse. In fornt of the horse is a shiny tin bucket, overflowing with dollar bills. The man turns to the bartender and asks, "So What'ss with the horse?" The barteder replies," Oh, Well, there's a long standing wager in the bar, that whoever can make that horse laugh gets all the money in the bucket. If you can't, you owe a buck." "Hmm, doesn't sound so hard." "Let me warn you, he doesn't have a very good sense of humor." The man finishes his ber, slides off the stool and walks over the stall. The horse looks at him with a mild expression of disdain. The whole bar watches as the man leans over and whispers inthe horse's ear. To everyone's amazement, the horse collapse to its knees, convulsing with peals of hysterical laughter. The man picks up the bucket, and winks at the bartender as he walks out the door. A few months pass. The man returns to the bar. He wlaks over to the bar and orders a beer. As he is sipping the frosty mug, he glances over and notices a new bucket overflowing with dollar bills. "So," he calls to the bartender, "Still trying to make the horse laugh?" "Oh, no," the bartender replies. "Now the wager is whoever can make that horse cry, gets all the money in the bucket. If you can't, you owe a dollar." "Hmm, doesn't sound very hard." "I've got to warn you, friend, that horse is pretty stoic." The man finishes his beer, slides off the bar stool and saunters over to the horse. Every eye in the place is glued to him. He walks into the stall and the horse turns to face him. Suddenly, the most heartwrenching weeping ever heard emerges from the stall. The man walks out, whistling, bucket in hand. As he opns the door, the bartender calls out after him. "Wait- you can't leave until you tell us how you got that horse to laugh and cry." The man pauses and turns. "Well, the first time, I told him my dick was bigger than his." "The second time, I showed him."

I SAW THAT, NATE.

saw what? no waffles, i haven't tried the links. i really dig the patties, though. i recommend them to anyone, veggie or not.

A boy is walking down a dirt road in Alabama with a sack in his hand. As he passes a driveway, another boy comes out and says, "Hey, Jimmie, whatcha got in that there sack?" Jimmie replies, "Hey Billie. Them's chickens in there. Got 'em from old Mrs. Parker." Billie says, "If I guess how many is in there, will ya gimme one?" "Hell, Billie," Jimmie says, "If ya guess how many's in there I reckon I'll give ya both of em." "Golly!" says Billie. "Is it five?"

i've now tried the links. the patties are better. i notice they make meatless buffalo wings. i'm not sure about that one. it was hard enough for me to understand that buffalo wings don't have buffalo in them.

buffalo wings?????? christ almighty like i said can't do the egg beaters, and i'll be passin on the wings

Meatless wings?Oh thats odd.

Norm the bus driving man likes to eat Buffalo Burgers at Universal Studios.

ok. that was not necessary.

sorry.

Sir.

forgiven.

there's nothing to see here. move along.

CHRIST ALMIGHTY THIS IS A LONG PAGE!

If you think this page is long, you should see my dick. He's in the lounge watching tv.

If you think this page is long, you should see my dick. He's in the lounge watching tv.