I'm tired. It's bedtime. But I thought I'd pop in just to blather on about my family. My kid. My kid. My God, I'm going to be a daddy. Or at least the chances of the adoption going through are about 90% or so. It's going slow, which is no surprise. Nothing ever moves quickly through the courts. The kid has announced that if the adoption goes through, he wants to take my last name. There's a small part of me that's fucking terrified that the adoption won't go through and that the kid will be crushed. But so far, so good. I just don't want this boy to get hurt. He's been hurt enough in his life. A lot of you know about what I've been dealing with out here. I'm in the process of adopting and homeschooling a 15-year-old. Lessons are going well. I'm trying to get him to write. It's difficult. He's very imaginative but has little attention span. The writing skills aren't the best. Fortunately, he's actually enthused about writing his first full essay. He's facing the challenge and trying his best. His best wouldn't be good enough for the school system because he's a slow writer. He can't hand in something by the end of the hour. Here, though, he's got plenty of time. Funny thing, the kid's becoming a conspiracy nut. He can't read well enough to read books on conspiracy theory, but has asked me to read to him. At first I wasn't sure if that was a good idea. He should be reading, not being read to. But then it hit me.....no one read to him as a kid, which could explain a lot of his educational problems. So yes, I'm reading to him, too. He loves it. I'm always sure to leave the books with him so he can look at them himself later. A neat thing I've noticed is that the boy asks questions. If he's not clear on something, he'll ask about it, instead of silently going on to the next point. He picks up on ideas quickly, but needs to understand things in a very comprehensive manner. First things first. He wants to completely understand Point A before progressing to Point B, or he starts getting frustrated. I don't mind that he's into conspiracy theory. I'm all for anything that'll keep him turned on and looking at books. And conspiracy theory allows me to insert historical facts in such a subversive way that he doesn't realize he's getting a history lesson at all. He's still got some major social anxiety, but is showing slight signs of progress. I felt sorry for him while I was out shopping one day. Everybody was buying back-to-school stuff for their kids. New clothes and everything. Since Brendan has dropped out of school this year, he doesn't really qualify for all that (not that his parents ever got him any of that shit anyway). I decided to buy him some new clothes and school supplies. He was excited as hell, but didn't want to go out shopping. He's really scared of being seen locally, due to years of being tormented and teased by bullies. I probably should've made him face up to his fears, but I didn't. I went well over 100 miles out of the way and took him shopping in the middle of the night. He's terrified of running into people he knows. This way, he didn't have to worry about it. He could just relax and have fun. Brendan does have, I've discovered, a single friend. She had moved out of town, but has come back for this school season. She's a chubby, excruciatingly shy goth chick named Violet. I've never seen such a shy, retiring kid. She speaks in a whisper. She comes by a couple of times a week and talks with Brendan, very quietly. She also gives him music tapes, which he's always happy to get. My boyfriend is so damn cool about this adoption. He's supporting me 100%. He's the best. He's really helping turn this household into a real family. We're a weird family, doubtless, but we're a family. I'm a bit afraid of being a sudden role model. This kid's been around the block a few times. He's no virgin and has used plenty of drugs. He's probably done a lot more than I have, but I worry about what he thinks of me, or how he might judge my actions. Somebody asked me recently if I use drugs with the kid. It really made me think. I'd feel weird about it. It's as if I want to protect him, which is dumb, since he's already had all these experiences. Still, I feel as if I need to watch my step somewhat. On the other hand, I don't want to turn into some kind of hopeless old geezer. It's all a bit bewildering. I'm very new to this daddy business. Anyway, I've got a family now, something I thought I'd never have, which is one reason for me to be cheerful as hell.

Wow. I'm glad it looks like it's going to go through. The shopping in the middle of the night idea--that's really cool. I wish people had taken _me_ shopping in the middle of the night. It would have been so much fun...

Meijer at 4am. No topping it. Get him the Big Book of Conspiracies, Pilate. It's in comic book form, but of course there's text. I bet he would read that on his own.

Hey, I've got it now. The Big Book kicks ass. The text is still far too complex for him, but at least there are cool pix to check out. The important thing about the Big Book, too, is that the stories are pretty condensed. He seems to want to know more about Sirhan Sirhan, a figure that I actually don't know all that much about myself. But I'll find out. The boy is also interested in serial killers, especially Zodiac. I'm not sure how to address this one. I think it's a common curiosity, especially for young people. I think it's OK to be curious. I just don't want him to start glorifying the shit. Brendan seems to be fairly sensible about that stuff, though. He likes a lot of dark, macabre or weird stuff without becoming totally obsessed with it. Another odd (and unrelated) thing I forgot to mention is that Brendan's totally phobic of thunderstorms. He freaks out. He starts shaking and wants to be in a well-lit room, as near to me (or my boyfriend) as he can physically get. I'm not sure if this can be "fixed" or not. He and a cousin were caught in a tornado when they were kids. It happened in a mobile home. The cousin was disembowelled in front of him and she died. No adults were around when it happened. He was small then but it freaked him out for life. Anyway, he knows the fear is often irrational (as in the case of small, non-threatening showers) but doesn't know how to make the fear stop. I hate it when Brendan gets panicked. I know he's miserable and I just wish I could fix it. His main triggers seem to be storms, and going out in public. A lot of people would just put a phobic kid on mood elevators but I don't want to do that. He's got enough problems without having his biochemistry fucked with. I'm wondering if heavy doses of serial killers, grey aliens, Nazis, assassins and the Bavarian Illuminati are really an appropriate thing right now. However, a good appreciation for conspiracy could help keep him from being a dupe. Kids get fed total garbage about history in school and are expected to swallow it. If a young person knows that history is extremely subjective, they might not fall for the obvious lies. Then again, the boy could become a rabid conspiracy lunatic, sensing the All-Seeing Eye lurking behind cans of green beans, or seeing apparitions of the Virgin Mary in the medicine cabinet. It's a hard call. But I think it's going to turn out okay.

I think it is more important to teach him to cope with life than the education at this point,I have read about so many serial killers and I haven't gone off the deep end.Albert Fish was the sickest one I ever read about,talk about depraved!!!

Did you know that "serial" does to refer to killing in a series, but was coined as a reference to the weekend serial matinees of the 30's? The idea was that the killer was seeking more and more intense thrills, such as what happened to the protagonists in the serials.

Pretty interesting stuff, Sem. I'm guilty, occasionally, of saying "serial killer" when "mass murderer" would be more appropriate. There is a difference, after all. Albert Fish was, indeed, a real piece of work. I'm just wondering.....at what point does it become unhealthy for a kid to be interested in serial killers? The kid's grooving on conspiracies, the occult, serial murder.....all that fun shit. I don't really have a problem with any of it. I think he's at a good age for it, and I don't want him to become some kind of clone who refuses to question the status quo. I just want to make sure that he doesn't become obsessed or creepy about it. He seems to have things in a fairly healthy balance at the moment. His interest in the occult is fairly strong but I don't think it'll be going anywhere, at least for now. He's a Pentacostal kid. I don't know if all the occult theory in the world will be able to override that. He does practice a bit of voodoo. Crimson's been able to talk to him about this because she started practicing voodoo at the same age. To most kids who do it, it doesn't seem to conflict with their religious beliefs at all. A lot of staunch Christian kids carry mojo bags. No biggie. The boy does consider himself a Christian but sees occultism, including Satanism, as being "somehow more interesting". I think it's good that he's showing signs of both intellectual and spiritual curiosity. His little buddy, Violet, is a Pagan. I'm wondering if she's secretly trying to win him over to her belief system. If she does, I don't really care.

Speaking of murder, it's just happened here. Ambulances and reporters everywhere. There's been a shooting at the University of Arkansas, on the first day of school. Two people dead, I think. The media is everywhere. But they're already losing interest rapidly because it was apparently just a murder-suicide, not a Columbine type incident, like they initially thought.

Ugh. The media makes me want to puke. Get him the cartoon history of the world. The best book on earth. A friend of mine has a terrible time with reading, since he is dyslexic. He just read a 250 page book all on his own, because he wanted to. I'm very proud of him.

yeah? my best friend in HS couldn't read at all. He was really good at math, was the thing. Math and jigsaw puzzles. He was totally smart. He just couldn't read. embarrasing... he got like a 400 on his lame SAT tests because of it. We went over it later together and he got most of the math section. it always made me sad. He's in the air force now. What to think about that? Oh. reasons to be cheerful: Bell_jar rocks.

standardized test scores (& the educational system in general) never really take into account that people who are deficient in one area might excel in others. my ex-husband barely got out of high school. he was profoundly dyslexic. yet, he was a gifted artist and read all the science fiction he could get his hands on. it's just that he had a form of dyslexia that affected his ability to write. he could barely write a single sentence. he was considered by everyone around him to be stupid. he read slowly, but he read stuff that none of the rednecks around him could possibly understand, which made him seem even more alienated. he completely fell through the cracks of the school system. but he was definitely of above-average intelligence. pilate's kiddo, brendan, is extremely intelligent. if his so-called "parents" had done a damn thing w/ him during his childhood, he could be brilliant. the best thing that could ever happen to that boy is to be removed from his family forever. the shooting at the university today turned out to be between an english prof & a grad student. they're still a bit unclear, at the moment, as to who shot whom. most peculiar.

Fucking grad students. I heard of one who got up in the middle of his thesis defence, went to the roof of the building, and tried to throw himself off.

a thesis defense is about enough to make you hurl yourself off the roof. the word, as of this morning, seems to be that the grad student had been working on his doctorate, but he got dismissed from the Ph.D. program last monday. the prof who was shot was not only the grad student's advisor, but was on the faculty advisory board responsible for canning him from the program. but still, they claim that they don't know which man did the shooting.

well, i guess they've figured it out now: "Under the mistaken impression his tenured mentor and advisor had voted to remove him from graduate school, a 37-year-old doctoral student at the University of Arkansas apparently shot and killed his former English professor Monday before turning the gun on himself." mistaken impression? oops.

and on a completely unrelated note: LITTLE ROCK, AR. -- A 10-year-old girl and her mother are recovering from gunshot wounds suffered during the weekend when the girl's cheerleading coach flew into a rage and opened fire during a pee-wee football game, authorities said. The coach, identified as 30-year-old Kimberly Whitaker, remained at large today, said police Officer Terry Hastings. Whitaker is wanted on two counts of aggravated battery in connection with the shootings. Authorities say they do not know what triggered the violence between Whitaker and the defenseless mother and daughter toward the end of the Saturday afternoon football game between two pre-teen teams at a Little Rock municipal park. "There was some kind of argument," Hastings said. Investigators say it's unclear whether Whitaker's rage was the result of the child's performance on the field, or whether some other factor played a part in the shooting. "All we know is that Miss Whitaker ... pulled out a gun and started shooting."

Wow.Crazy week for the shootings.

yeah. & i know it's a terrible tragedy, but there's something about the idea of a pistol-packing cheerleader coach (at a pee-wee football game, no less) that made me snicker, despite myself. however, shooting a 10-year-old is bad form, even in arkansas.

The population should be shrunk in a less noticeable way, I agree. A pistol packing coach...disturbing. Why? Now we'll have metal detectors everywhere....

But she has every right to carry a hand gun, dammit! Charleton Heston told me so. Maybe that 10-year-old was threatening her family and she had no other choice.

Not just a pistol packing coach, but a Pistol Packing Peewee Coach. Semi, you are playing with a time bomb there.....

I gots to, I tried to resist the temptation, but I just can't anymore........ Charlton Heston never said a damn thing about a fucking PeeWee fucking coach fuckng packing a fucking piston and fucking shooting one of her fucking students and her fucking parent. Blow things out of porportion much??????

Excuse me, I think I need to go whipe the drool from my chin now.... ROFLMAO

have you caught any of the Heston info-mercials he has on the B and C stations? Just spouting out he rhetoric.

Yes, and even though I beleive in the right to bear arms, that infomertial embarrasses me. Talk about rhetoric and propaganda and going over board, damn!

Getting rid of guns is the best thing Australia ever did. Don't believe that crap in the Heston commercials about an increase in home invasions in Australia...it's a pile of shit. (Trace...it's belIEve..and can you pass that on to Satan as well, pretty please.)

you guys are a penal colony, duh!

Penal..as in penis, we prefer to think.

Damn. I'm there. Can I stay with you, Cat, while I find a place?

But I was just talking to Chuck the other day, and that's what he told me. He was sort of mumbling,though, seeing as how he had a couple of dicks in his mouth at the time... Why any man in his right mind would want a blow job from that guy is beyond me.

I went over this and I think I missed something.Goooollllyyy!!!

You know you can stay with me, Isolde. Mia casa etc. And with your adorable accent, you'll pick up all the penal boys you can handle. I'll just make 'em all breakfast.

Sweet. I'm on it. thanks. I might just disappear to Austrailia for the rest of my life and never come back.

Aussies think Americans have adorable accents, or is it just Isolde? I never heard anyone form another English-speaking country say anything good about American accents before. Americans can't shut up about how "cool" other English speaker's accetns are, except for Canadians. Exactly when did Canada become so universally funny for AMericans, anyway?

I adore ya'lls accents...even the atrocious New Jersey ones. Too damn adorable. But I hate to tell you this...I can barely pick a Canadian accent from an American midwest one.

I mean, I guess I have an accent all of my own. It usually behaves, though, so I sound like an ordinary California girl. Ugh. I just realized I'm starting to put "like" into my written sentances too. Argh.

That's Ok, Cat. I'm from the extreme upper Midwest, and I've been asked if I was Canadian before. I always replied "Unfortunately, no"

That's Ok, Cat. I'm from the extreme upper Midwest, and I've been asked if I was Canadian before. I always replied "Unfortunately, no"

My kid, Brendan, has an adorable Southern accent. Just this shy, silly little twang, usually delivered with a gaze from these huge innocent eyes, kinda like one of those Precious Moments figurines gone berserk. The kid wants to dye his hair. He got hold of a porn flick. I don't even know where it came from. But he came into the living room last night, wanting to watch it with us. I felt a little weird about it. Not that I have a problem with porn flicks. Watching it with the kid, though, could be a little odd. I mean, if anybody actually got aroused or something, it could make for a weird moment around the house. I'm not sure that sitting there with a raging hard-on around my future son is really kosher. Kid doesn't understand why it's not OK for the three of us to sit around watching porn. There's also the fact that he's a minor and everything. Then again, most minors have seen porn flicks and survived. The kid's probably done stuff that's worthy of a porn flick in its own right. I'm just not sure how I feel about this. When I left the house, the boy was outside climbing a tree. In a dress. Sweet Jesus.

Thanks for the laugh, Pilate. Made my day.

Hey, I think it is a healthy thing for a kid to watch pornos around his parents. At least one. Then if there are questions, he will ask you instead of other kids his age. I dont think I could handle it with my daughters, but if i had a son, i think i would feel different about it.

But, see, it's kinda like watching one with your daughter, if you get my drift. I'm gay. The kid's gay. It's the same as if a straight man watched a pornflick with his 15-year-old daughter. However, I'll probably watch it with him anyway. Maybe I'm being paranoid. I'm just trying to play it as straight as possible for now. I'm scared of any activity right now that could jeopardize the adoption process. I know that watching some dopey pornflick with the kid won't really hurt anything. But imagine if the word got out to anybody involved in handling this adoption. The authorities would pull the plug on it immediately and return the kid to his stupid, abusive family. I'm not going to let that happen. I don't want anything to get in the way of my getting permanent custody of this kid. However, the boy seems to be able to deal with confidential matters pretty well. I won't tell if he doesn't.

Pilate what you're doing for this kid is amazing. I don't even know you, but I'm damn proud of you. On the subject of the pornos though...this might be a good time to set some rules. I don't have children let alone teenagers, so maybe this is all bullshit, but if you're not comfortable with a situation, then there's probably a good reason for it. You've been so supportive with the boy, but there comes a time when you have to also let him know that there are limits to what is permissable. I'd explain to him that because you care so much about him, it just doesn't feel right to be sitting around watching pornographic material with him. Use the father/daughter example so he'll see where your concerns are coming from.

yeah actually you might be able to use it his advantage to make sure he understands what is right and what is wrong and of course safe sex.

That would be like watching a porn flick with my mom... er. That doesn't sit well. Of course, Pilate, you know much more about the situation than we do. Do what you feel is ok.

So far, Brendan's pretty aware of the basic house rules and has shown no sign whatsoever of violating them. He seems to respect not only my authority, but my lover's. He's a good kid. When I tell him to do something he does it, even if he's not wild about it. If I told him to get rid of the porn film, I have no doubt that he'd do it right away. This is just one of those gray areas that I haven't really had to deal with much. I don't want to come off like a hypocrite. I don't want to tell the boy to avoid things that I'd actually do myself. However, I have a fair amount of adult perspective that he doesn't have. I don't think that porn would traumatize him. It's just that his initial idea (for all of us to sit together in the dark and watch it) gets into some weird areas. I don't even really care if he watches porn, but would prefer that he did it after Trace and I are in bed, asleep, with the door shut. If the kid wants to get his jollies privately, I don't especially mind. He's a teenager. He's bound to be horny as hell and has no real outlet. I also feel funny telling him not to watch porn because he's got a couple of porn mags, which he had when he moved in here. I didn't make him throw them out (if anything, I was hoping that he'd read them as well as looking at the pictures, because even crap literature can help one's reading skills). If he can have porn mags, why not a porn flick, too? It's like the drug issue. I know Brendan's done drugs. Brendan knows that I've done drugs. But now that the adoption is in progress, everything seems different. Doing drugs with the boy is a serious gray area (he asked me once if I'd ever consider tripping with him......something we kinda did in a group situation before the whole adoption thing came about). If he ever did do anything like that, I'd damn well want him here where I can monitor him. It's not as if I've got a six-year-old here. He's damn near an adult. Yet, he's very childlike, and I can see major problems with him assimilating into the adult world. In fact, he seems to want me to shield him from it as much as possible. But he wants the "fun" adult stuff.....sex and all that. Well, he's already dabbled in that. I do worry about his perspective on sex, though. Much of the sex he's had was either for money or forced on him. In fact, I can't really think of any healthy sexual interactions he's ever had, given what he's told me so far. It's all weird new territory. I don't really know what to do at times. So I'm just making it up as I go along.

Pilate- you seem like a very smart and fair person...and a great parent. your idea to not forbid porn, but not to participate sounds appropriate. reminds me of all the cool parents (mine were not) who let their kids experiment in their own home with things like pot and alcohol, so at least they were safe to try things, and could have dialogue with their parents about it. i like Patrick's reminder about using the flick to teach safe sex too. and props to the kid for not being embarassed to talk about this stuff with you. i could barely watch the last racy film i brought home (an annie sprinkle how-to-sorta-thing) with my housemates! it is a touchy subject though. i'm sure the adoption people have much different, even drastic ideas about what is appropriate for Brendan... good luck. it sounds like you and your partner are the best thing to ever happen to him.

what a minute Trace = Pilate's partner? I thought Pilate was Crimson's husband/partner. and is this the same Trace around here? im so confuesed im gonna go smoke

No, no nooooo.......Trace is my lover. He's in NO WAY related to the Trace who posts here! I've mentioned this in several threads, but I guess I'll have to keep saying it. Trace's name (talking about my man, Trace, here) is actually Robin. But he got fucking sick of the endless Batman jokes and, as a kid, switched over to using Trace, his mother's maiden name (and his own middle name). Crimson is a dear, dear friend of mine. She's married to Ren. I'm Crimson and Ren's friend. Just thought I'd clear that up. Mavis...your post was helpful. Everybody's posts have been helpful. I really appreciate the input (and could always use more, hint, hint!)

The main deal here seems to be that the boy needs friends - fellow teenagers he can talk to, watch hidden porn videos with, scull vodka till you puke and generally do normal kid stuff with. Trace and Pilate are in the parental role and can't and shouldn't try to take the place of mates/siblings etc. From previous posts, it seems it's hard for the boy to interact with other kids because of bullying etc. But there's gotta be other kids in the same situation he can hang with. But how to find them is the problem...I'm thinking females would be good cause that takes the sexual element out and leaves him free to just develop a real friendship.

Have you spoken to a counsellor for gay teens? I know there are groups, but that would probably scare the shit out of the boy. But maybe a counsellor could hook him up with one or two other teens?

Actually, Brendan does have one friend, in the form of a very strange girl named Violet. I'm not even sure what Violet's whole deal is. She's morbidly shy and rarely smiles.....except when Brendan does something funny and makes her laugh despite herself. They seem to talk a lot about music and the usual teen stuff. Violet's in Catholic school now. Her parents seem, by all accounts, to be major jerks. She sometimes carries her clothes here with her. She changes out of her school uniform into goth clothing. She's also into '20s culture and silent film and sometimes wears very strange retro clothes. She told me that my home is one of the safest places she's ever been, which made me feel pretty good. She and Brendan sometimes goof about being brother and sister. They're playing some kind of offbeat roleplaying game, too. It's not one of the standard ones. It's one that Violet made up herself. They create adventures for themselves as characters and get lost in it, pretending that they're different people. I don't think it's unhealthy. At least not yet. I want Brendan to socialize more, but I'm almost afraid of it. Other kids his age might lead him down the wrong path. I don't want to see him turn into some kind of airheaded, drugged out fool. I don't want him to get turned on to thievery, vandalism and other bullshit. I almost like it that his primary influences are (relatively) sane adults. Violet seems to reinforce his antisocial nature at moments, but then again, they did go to the store together recently. That's a big step for Brendan, who's so phobic that he rarely leaves the house. She held his hand while they walked so he wouldn't panic. Violet's an odd one. She sees Marilyn Manson as some sort of superhuman and godlike figure, which is spilling over to Brendan. But that's okay. I've been giving him small writing assignments. Writing is very difficult for him. He handed me a brief history of Manson's band, and he worked his ass off on it. Fine. I'll take it. ANYTHING to get the kid writing. It's weird. He and Violet are probably the only two teens left in the whole damn country who don't give a flying fuck about the Internet. They just don't seem interested at all.

The idea of a counselor is pretty interesting, but I'm not so sure that he needs to hook up with other gay teens. I like Brendan being mostly surrounded by adults. I'm terrified that he'll get together with other kids his age, end up in some sort of ill-informed sexual relationship and generally fuck himself up emotionally, which is the last thing he needs. I feel that what he really needs right now is refuge.....a quiet place for him to get his head together. The socialization, I personally feel, can come at a later date when he's better equipped to handle it. He's a multiple rape victim and has had a life history of abuse and abandonment. He just needs a quiet, stress free lifestyle right now. At least that's what I think.

Sounds like you're doing well with him. As long as he's happy? I don't know. anyway. I'm so tired I don't make any sense, but I think you're amazing.

pilate, is this guy you are referring to your boyfriend the one you were talking about before, that you picked up hitchhiking? it looks like he's not leaving so often, these days. heh.

That violet girl sounds pretty neat. Except for the marylin manson obsession. Girls make great friends. if he can meet some worthwhile ones...send the poor kid to a punk/hardcore show...he might meet people there. I dunno. YOu seem to be doing the right thing for him. I wish him well, as well as you.

My boyfriend isn't the hitchhiker. It may sound like it from previous posts, but he's not. I quickly dumped the hitchhiker to get Trace back. There was actually a bit more going on in the background than I let on in that thread. I was seeing several blonds at one point (lucky me), but Trace ended up becoming the one I kept. Trace is younger than I am. He's a damn handsome thing, too. His phase of abruptly leaving me had an explanation. It turned out that he was falling in love with me and didn't stick around because he didn't want to tell me how he really felt. Fear of rejection. Once he was able to tell me, and I accepted his affection, he never wanted to leave again. My romances tend to definitely fall into the "whirlwind" category. I fall hard and fast. I've had excellent luck so far. I seem to know when the right people come along. With Brendan, I've got a whirlwind adoption. This all has come up so fucking fast. But I'm ready for it. Trace is the right man and Brendan is the right kid. I know this in my heart.

Brendan is outside. We're at Crimson's place and he's trying to climb a tree again. The tree-climbing thing is making me nervous. The kid just got off crutches, for godsake. Talk about an accident waiting to happen. Time to go get the boy out of the branches, take him home, and put him to bed. Where I should be, myself. In bed. Sleep would really great right now. Crimson's burning some kind of incense that smells like a wet parakeet. Her description, not mine.

Damn. That doesn't sound attractive. Yes, Violet sounds very cool. I like that neither of them gives a shit about the Internet. That's really awesome.

The more I think about it, the more I like that brendan... mind if I sent him a mixtape (to refine his musical tastes, of course!) ? dude. I am off my goddamn rocker. wait. pilate, email me...I've got just a couple of general questions about stuff anyway.

Zephyr.....hey, no prob, I'll e-mail you. It may be a little while, as I've literally just got a few minutes to be online right now. I should be back around by Monday, though. I just wanted to pop in and wish Crimson a happy birthday!

Pilate-you are still the HERO of Sorabji!

oh yea. one more thing Pilate. its going to sound weird, but a straight Catholic Goth girl, for a gay midwestern boy is farely normal. i know it doesn't sound like it to you, but it is. he is finding "like" friends that he relates to. they are the same age, but yet they are totally, different just like himself, without a "true" family(meaning blood), and it doesn't matter if they are boy, girl,straight or not, have a family or not. its just what he relates to on that same level. i don't remember if you're from the midwest or not, but Marilyn Manson isn't something to be worried about. pretty harmless actually. he might be the David Bowie of his day, if you grew up in the country in England circa 1974. don't you have a worry. just let him watch the porn(when you are NOT around) and then everything will be okay. you will not have to feel weird, and you can pretend that it never happened, or you never saw it. of course talk to him about this. tell him everything, about the adoption process, about your feelings, etc, because he can actually help you with this, and it will help him to grow as a person. once again, i worship you pilate. i wish you were my father. from a very straight 'woman"

Thank you. No shit, thank you very much. I appreciate it. However, I feel so unworthy of "worship" that it's unreal. I'm such an anti-role model that it's not even funny. It scares me sometimes. Actually, it scares me a lot. For instance, at the moment, I'm a bit drunk. Some role model. Kiddo doesn't know it, though. Trace and I had a bit of a private party after Brendan crashed. Magnificent sex and plenty of alcohol (but never, EVER so much alcohol that I couldn't deal with Brendan, if something should arise). Thanks for all the advice. About the Marilyn Manson thing......I'm not bothered at all by the kid listening to Manson's music and/or propaganda. In fact, it's almost a relief. Manson seems, in his more lucid moments, to be relatively articulate, as opposed to, well.....a thousand other guys Brendan could be listening to. If he's gonna have a role model, at least let him have one who's polysyllabic. I've also got no problem with Brendan hanging out with Violet. It's kind of nice. They compliment each other well. The only issue I forsee is that Violet is here, I think, more than her parents would like for her to be. Her parents are pretty creepy. Brendan has asked me if she can spend the night sometimes. I don't care, but I bet her folks would have a hell of a lot to say about the matter. I'm starting to get the suspicion that she's over here after telling her folks she's going to actually be somewhere else. That could be disastrous right now. Hell, I'd be glad to have her here anytime, but her parents are seriously weird. They could start getting in my face about the whole thing. I don't want ANYBODY fucking with my family while we're trying to go through this adoption process. By the way, we're not from the Midwest. We're from the South (an even more fun place to grow up gay). I feel that I have a completely open line of communication with Brendan. I talk to him about everything. Even if I don't want him to do something, I'm very open and specific about my reasons why. Weird thing. The kid was trying to help me out. He tried to iron a shirt for me. Burned a hole in it about the size of my fist. He nervously asked me when I was going to punish him for it. He doesn't seem to realize, no matter how many times I've told him, that his days of being beaten are over. I turned off the iron and just pulled Brendan close to me, holding him tight. That poor fucking fragile kid. Jesus. If I can correct even a fraction of the wrongs committed against that boy, it'll all be worth it.

i just got hired to read poetry at some big S&M shindig. my audience will consist of bondage & discipline freaks from all over the tri-state area. no, that doesn't have a damn thing to do w/ this thread. just thought i'd mention it, anyway.

Hopefully it's good poetry...?

uhh...like i'm going to read BAD poetry, maybe? sure, it's good. or at least it's good enough that they're paying me for my time. i read at a lot of shit like this. fetish shows, etc. this one might be kinda fun, though. not as risque as some of the larger shows i've read at, but there are factors that could make it fun, nonetheless.

I want to read some, was actually what I was hinting.

eeeeeeeeeeek. i dunno. i feel kinda weird about that. it feels like such a self-promotional jerkoff, plastering my own shit on the internet. one time, i was loaded, & thought about putting some lines of poetry on sorabji. the idea was that i'd come in day after day & alter them, revise them, & beat them into a finished poem, while an audience looked on. what the hell was i thinking? i was SO glad i didn't do that. i mean, it's an interesting experiment & all--for someone besides me. this is a more educated crowd. people could rip me to fucking shreds, dissect my writing & generally make me feel about one inch high. i don't even think so. it's best when i deal w/ folks who know a bit less about literature. think about charles bukowski w/ a hormone overdose on about 10 hits of acid. that's kinda what i write like. i don't do the fancy stuff. i write gut-level shit. it tends to really offend the academic types. but eventually, i'll have an audio tape. now that, i wouldn't mind distributing. i was on an audio compilation once, years ago, & got tons of fan mail off of it. i'm more comfortable w/ people hearing me than reading me sometimes. i've been published plenty, but still, there's something weird about it. almost every printed poem i've got out, i want to seriously revise. putting out printed words is like carving something in stone.

Ok. I suppose that's reasonable. I'm just interested in reading your stuff. A lot of people put amazing work up here and I really enjoy reading it.

It's not a completely trivial question, if you have an S&M crowd, they might want to be tortured with bad poetry a la Prefect & Dent in the Hitchhiker's Guide.

hmmm. i haven't thought about that angle. torture the masochists w/ abysmal poetry. i'll bet i can find some lying around here somewhere. i'm trying to talk pilate into writing poetry. it's something he's never really tried before. his kid wants to try it, too. brendan, the kid, is funny as hell. he's interested in music...digs the blues. he was w/ me for a good part of the day. stood in front of my mic doing the funniest fucking lip-sync i've ever seen to muddy waters' "mannish boy". the boy fell asleep over here in my spare bedroom. when pilate came to get him, brendan couldn't wake up. so pilate gently picked him up like a little child & carried him out to the car. pilate's such a good daddy. he just is.

I miss his posts. I mean, I know he's busy and all, but I'd be interested to hear how things are going for Brendan.

I miss having someone to carry me to bed when I fall asleep on the lounge.

i miss having someone to pat my forehead until i fall asleep.

pilate may be around this evening. he's been busy as hell & has also been trying to find a new place to live, someplace w/ a bit more room. he's also been working some doubles at job #2. when that happens, sometimes brendan shows up here. he gets spooked if he's left alone too long. today, brendan showed up w/ his friend, violet. she was wearing a pink sequin floor-length ballroom gown & an antique lace shawl. brendan was wearing one of pilate's suit jackets, & it was too big. my folks just sent me a slightly belated birthday present. i know they can't really afford it. guilt. but still, it's a nice gesture & i can definitely use it. pilate's birthday is coming up soon. we're both virgos. but he's younger than me (who isn't?). got a phone call a while ago...someone from the S&M group i'm reading for was wondering if i'd like to join. gadzooks.

*laugh* I look forward to hearing from Pilate. Violet sound increasingly interesting.

I'm at Crimson's place now, but I'm about to run home and try to catch a few hours of sleep. I was out all night (work-related). I took Brendan with me. When I have to go out of state or on overnight runs, he likes to accompany me. He's definitely a nighttime kind of guy. I don't really fuck with his schedule that much. I don't see any sane reason to try forcing him to go to bed early, when it's not really in his nature. Violet's interesting. A very odd girl, which is fine. I'm still concerned about her parents, though. They're weird. And I'm not sure they're aware of how much time she spends over here. Brendan's doing well with his lessons. I'm slowly working up my nerve to approach the sciences. Basic human anatomy, biology and all that good shit. And yeah, sex ed. He knows all the street terms for stuff but doesn't really have a grip on it scientifically. The kid's sexually active, but what he doesn't know about basic human sexuality is kinda frightening. Although he's got the safe sex bit down, thank heaven. He's becoming addicted to educational TV. That's cool. I'd rather see him addicted to the History Channel than to sitcoms. I've been trying to leave Brendan and Trace (my boyfriend) alone together for small amounts of time, so they can bond. Brendan gets nervous when I'm gone too long, though. I've got to go home and crash. Brendan's already in bed. I dropped him off before coming here.

Do you mean Violet's parents kind of let her do whatever and don't push her, or do you mean that they neglect her utterly? In my mind, there's a distinct difference. My parents usually had no idea as to where I was, but they always knew I was safe, because I would call if I wasn't...it worked out very well.

I think Violet's telling her parents that she's other places besides here. Her folks are very controlling, in rather weird ways. Big physical punishment freaks. They seem to think that the kid's six years old instead of an adolescent. But Violet's allowed to go a few places on her own. I think she tells them she's going to the movies or something when she's really coming to hang out with Brendan instead. I know she wants to skip school and hide out at my place, a habit I definitely don't want getting started. Her parents disapprove of her weird clothes and makeup (they go batshit if they catch her wearing makeup). She has a fairly extensive freaky wardrobe and a lot of it is now stored in Brendan's closet. She doesn't even have to be going anywhere particular to dress in that stuff. She just wears it around the house. I have a slight concern about her influence on Brendan. On the whole, she's a good kid. But she's showing signs of being slightly manipulative (at a time when Brendan is showing signs of being slightly gullible). She seems to be able to talk him into things that he normally wouldn't do. So far, it hasn't been a problem. I just hope that it doesn't turn into one someday.

THEY BOTH SUCK ME!

Agh...pilate, if you at any time feel that brendan's getting used or whatnot by violet...give them both a talking to.

She sounds cool. A little confused. She needs someone to follow and someone to lead all at the same time, if that makes any sense.

I ended up going with Crimson to the S&M soiree. She kicked major ass. Major. Like she was the best thing there and a lot of other people agreed. We sat and watched tons of nudity, with a lot of people getting the whips and chains treatment. We (Crimson, Pug and I) all remarked on how unerotic it was. I couldn't get a hard-on over any of that shit, which is a drag, because if it had been handled more competently, I probably could have. So anyway, I got home at some bizarre hour and the kid was up waiting for me. We sat up for hours, until well after sunup, talking about sex. Brendan opened up and talked about his sexuality. It's stranger than I thought. The boy is perverse. He also doesn't fully understand why I wouldn't take him with me to the sex show despite my explanations (he wanted to go with me). I told him about all the action, though. He said it would have been better if it were all guys, a point I can't exactly argue with. Brendan considers himself celibate at this point (best news I've had all month). It's a long story. His sexuality is heavily tied into his emotional state. He wants to be taken care of. He wants a daddy, even in the sexual sense. He's also extremely submissive and has a definite interest in the whole B&D scene. But he's got me, the platonic daddy, so he's emotionally taken care of. He's not interested in finding a lover. He just wants to live with Trace and I until he's old and gray. He wants to be our baby forever. That's what he said. I can kinda roll with that right now. If he's my baby, and he's satisfied with that, at least he's not out randomly screwing strangers. Still, there's something less than healthy about it all. But that's okay. Healthy is relative, especially in this household.

wow. way to go for the nontraditional family structure. isn't it beautiful?

agatha, why do you call me and tell me to call you back and then get on the phone again, tying up the line for an hour? why!?

Because God hates you. It isn't as wierd that Brendan is clutching at a father--it is a little wierd that he's so into it, the way you describe it. Probably not taking him to the sex show was a good idea. It's also really cool that you're so open with him about sex and such things--better to have it out than thrown in a corner. You get a good daddy award so far.

is it difficult to adopt kids? what is that process all about? did you have to be a foster parent first? i mean... how did you meet Brendan and all that?

also, let's see photos of Crimson's outfit.

Sarah, I met Brendan through my lover, Trace. When Trace hooked up with him, the boy was sleeping on the streets. His parents didn't want him. Normally, it's extremely difficult to adopt kids. However, this is a very unusual case. Brendan's parents, after finding out that I had taken the kid into my home and was trying to homeschool him, practically begged me to adopt him. There are 11 kids in that family (living in 2 separate trailers), plus a few random half-brothers and sisters, plus all the kids that Brendan's sisters keep having. The family just can't handle another mouth to feed. They cut Brendan off when he was pretty young and told him not to come home, because they couldn't afford to feed him. They don't believe in birth control or abortion (they're not Catholic, either, but Pentecostals) so they just keep on cranking out the kids. When the kids hit adolescence, they're turned out onto the streets to make room for the younger kids. Brendan's mother told her own lawyer that she wishes there were shelters you could dump kids off at, like you can dogs and cats. Brendan's parents don't want him and have said so many times publicly. They've said it in front of both our lawyers, they've said it to a judge, and God knows, they've said it to Brendan. They also have a child neglect record that's not working in their favor. The authorities have taken away several kids, but the geniuses keep saying that it's best for children to stay in the family, so they keep sending them back. The kids are half-starved, living in filthy and overcrowded conditions. Dinner often consists of a big bag of generic potato chips, ripped open and tossed on the dirty carpet for the kids to forage through on their hands and knees like animals. We're hoping that the adoption will be final around New Year's. I've got temporary legal custody of him now. Normally, such a process could take years, but since the parents are obviously overjoyed to get rid of Brendan (they don't want another kid costing them money) and they've made it clear that I'm the person they want the boy staying with, it makes things much easier. As for Brendan's daddy fixation, I think a lot of it comes from his desperate emotional need for a parent, ANY parent, good or bad. Someone who'll show him affecton and care for him on a personal basis. At home, he was always a burden, just another liability, a mouth to feed and nothing more. He was not treated as an individual in any way. Just another damn kid to feed. I'm not sure what contributed toward the boy becoming gay, except for his experiences in prostitution. Plus, the daddy/son role-playing bit is a whole subculture within the gay community, and Brendan's not the first kid who ever went seeking out a "daddy" in a sexual sense. But a lot of his interest in that scene is emotional. There's a sexual edge to it, but mostly, he wants an authority figure who can be cool and controlling at the same time. He's been out of control for so long that he seems to enjoy having some basic guidelines. He also loves the affecton and attention he gets here, of which there's an endless supply.

i suppose outrage and an honest desire to see his parents hung would be pointless, seeing as how this goes on all over the place. However hearing your vivid accounts of it...........bag of chips on the floor? You know, I think someone else said it, but gov't induced sterilization wouldnt be a bad idea with these selfish, ignorant assholes

Yeah. I'm really glad that at least one kid is getting a second chance.

that is absolutely horrifying. but you are an angel to the rescue. wow. amazing.

The south saddens me.This is not an isolated scenario,and no one seems to notice there is anything amiss.

sorry, dave. fucking sprint pcs, keeping me on hold for an hour, fucking fuck. job interview monday!

sorry for that little inappropriate aside.

czarina, i agree. child abuse & neglect is rampant everywhere, but it somehow seems to be more condoned in the south, especially among the fundamentalist set. i used to be a traveling gospel musician & have spent plenty of time in serious boondock pentecostal churches. i've seen abuse that you cannot believe. this is not to cut down any pentecostals (remember, i've been one myself), but holy shit...kids being bruised & battered right there in church. kids w/ horrible cuts & bruises & nobody gives a flying fuck. you can't believe how many times i've heard serious child abuse condoned from the pulpit, including the practice of beating infants because they might be telling lies when they cry (if they stop crying when you hold them, then they didn't really need food or drink, so they were telling you a lie). one thing i've confounded christians w/ is asking them where in the bible jesus christ personally condones child abuse. that really pissed my own folks off & they said, "well, it's in there SOMEWHERE!"...but that was about five years ago & they haven't found that chapter & verse for me yet. it's all old testament legalism. they won't keep kosher, but they'll resort to the "eye for an eye" mentality w/o heeding the gospel of forgiveness (in other words, they take the old testament only if it suits their needs at the moment). the food-on-the-floor routine was apparently a big thing at brendan's place. his mother also used to dump macaroni & cheese on the floor & laugh while the little ones crawled up & ate it out of the mouldy carpet. pilate's been over there a couple of times. he says there's rotting food residue all in the carpet & the trailer stinks all to hell. the mother just sits all day in this easy chair & knocks the hell out of the kids if they dare to touch her chair. brendan was raped by several male relatives, including an older brother. his sister, who just turned 14, has a baby, & brendan secretly thinks that it's a relative who knocked her up. pilate was trying to be positive. he told the girl that she had a pretty baby. she stared up at him hatefully & said, "it ain't pretty. it's just a fucking THING." brendan is really different from anybody in that family. his siblings are vicious & mean. brendan is possibly the most forgiving, sweet kid on earth. pilate considers brendan's brothers & sisters to be mostly lost causes, w/ the possible exception of an older half-sister, who was adopted out years ago. i'm leaving for the beach in about 24 hours. happy, happy. my belated birthday present...a trip down to the gulf. can't wait. there's a vague possibility that pilate & brendan may come w/ me. hope so. but pilate's boyfriend can't come, so they're having second thoughts. but even if they don't come w/ me, i think they're going to get together & do something. pilate's starting to want to take brendan as many places as possible. the boy needs to see that there's a whole world outside of this little corner of arkansas.

Crimson,HAPPY HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY!Its so depressing about the southern mentality.People laugh at the "I don't want to squeel like a pig", and the "Hit em again,granpa" lines from movies,but sadly,most southerners miss the joke.But some good things come from the south----look at you,I always find you so refreshing,and it sounds like you came from the "Little Shop of Horrors",and yet I find a deep sensativity in you------I'm glad you're here.Have a great time on the gulf.

Pilate-- Everyone has expressed admiration for what you're doing, but I just want to add my own two cents. Reading that last post had me crying. God, people are stupid. THANK YOU for being there for him. It's incredible. really. If there were a thousand, even a hundred people with your generosity of spirit in the entire world, things would be so different.

Woah. Going to the Gulf, ey? It's kind of a neat birthday present. I wish people gave me stuff like that for my birthday. Oh well. Happy belated birthday and all that.

hey, thanx! the spouse comes up w/ groovy stuff like that for my birthday sometimes. we couldn't make it down for my actual birthday (just over a week ago), but we're going now. praying that we don't get rained on. we'll probably be leaving about 4:00 AM or so. hopefully. pilate's here w/ me. he might hop on & post something in a few minutes. brendan's here, too. he's fooling around w/ my bass, playing "louie louie". i think that he & pilate are about to make a brief run down to alma, AR. whenever pilate goes anywhere, brendan's w/ him like a little shadow. no matter how sleepy the kid might be, he always wants to go where pilate's going. they're still thinking about going to the beach w/ us. man, i hope they do. it'd be a blast.

YAY! I love leaving anywhere at 4am. It always adds excitement. It'd be neat to hear from Pilate.

it does add excitement, leaving in the wee hours. i can really get into that sort of thing. pilate's busy (stepped outside for a sec), but he'll be back. he's in a bit of a rush, but he says he'll try to post something before taking off. "louie louie" is now playing, w/ extra bass, for the fifth time.

Okay, I'm here. Trying to type this out before Junior comes up and looks over my shoulder. I just wish that I could help out more than one kid. But one is all I can handle right now. This whole thing has changed my life dramatically. And I love it. I really like taking Brendan with me on the road, even for short trips. There's a certain innocence about him despite his rough background. Everything is new to him. He notices the small things. Going down the highway and listening to him talk can transform an old, well known landscape into a brand new adventure. He may not be "innocent" in the usual sense, but he's innocent in all the right and miraculous ways. I hope to God he never loses that. I'm going to be humming "Louie, Louie" all damn day now.

So do I. He sounds like a rockin' idividual. What he must think of complete strangers discussing him on the internet?

He has no idea what I'm discussing here. He wouldn't be able to read the entire text, even if he did. I thought about opening up a new thread for him and letting him type something but he doesn't really have a grip on the whole typing thing yet. Gotta go to Clarksville. Need caffeine. I can't believe Crimson gave up caffiene. At least her husband's still a caffiene junkie and can understand my pain.

I love when you call him "Junior".I kinda picture you in matching outfits.How wonderful for you to be able to see the world through his eyes!

I abandoned coffee two years ago, but I still drink black tea and eat dark (vegan, also) chocolate, though not for the caffiene. When I drank coffee, I was tired and lethargic all the time, so I stopped and became a little more functional in the morning.

Oh, my God. Imagining us in matching outfits. Shit. You oughtta see some of the stuff that boy wears. The pink frilly dress with the matching fairy wand is just the beginning. When I introduce him to strangers as my son, people almost always remark on the family resemblance. We really do look like we're related. Same hair/eye color, similar facial structure. He wants to take my last name and even once mentioned becoming a real Junior, but I couldn't even handle that. But I still call him Junior anyway. I call him a lot of stuff. Trace has some funny nicknames for him, too.

Like what...?

giving up caffeine is one of the best things i've ever done. i also gave up refined flour & sugar. i've lost a shitload of weight. there's not much in my closet that fits me anymore. i'm exercising daily & feeling a lot more alert & functional.

Trace, for some unknown reason, calls the kid "Snickelfritz". It's something his old man used to call him and weirdly enough, Crimson said that somebody in her family also used that as a nickname. The kid thinks it's a scream. We call him "Baby" sometimes too, and it's not just because he's our kiddo, but there's a longer and sillier explanation. It has to do (vaguely) with Gertrude Stein. I'd try explaining it, if I had the time.

Hrm. Sounds interesting. I never had nicknames when I was a kid, so I've always been really wierd about my name. People kept trying to make it into a pet name or something, and I'd say: "No, my name is X. DAMNIT, call me by my name! Enough dimunutives already!" Anyway.

i was adopted several times. one of the first names i had was turned into a horrid nickname & it somehow stuck. people called me that until i finally got fed up & put a stop to it. there are still people in my family who want to use that stupid name & i hate it. have you ever noticed that there are people who CAN'T leave a name alone w/o turning it into a nickname? i use a nickname for my husband. but if you're not really close to him, he hates to have his name chopped down like that. the insurance salesman, bank tellers, all kinds of random people call him by that nickname, w/o permission, & it's all he can do to keep from going ballistic. where do they get off? you don't use nicknames for people unless (1) they give you permission (2) you're sleeping w/ them. although my husband & i do have nicknames for other people...names that we use privately. they're rarely polite & almost always terribly hilarious. less then 12 hours now & i'll be rolling toward the beach. huzzah!

Bleh. Yeah. And my name is so nick-nameable, apparently, that people just have to do something to it. I hate people like that. I allow a select few to call me something other than my full name. And even then, they'd better be on best behaviour.

the kind of folks who twist your name into a nickname w/o permission are usually the same kind who'll also slap you on the back to say "hello" & embarrass you half to death by being loud & stupid in public settings...you know, the people who are jovial to the point of mental retardation. my name's kind of odd. people tell me it sounds like the stage name of a stripper or a porn star. it sounds like a nickname anyway. it doesn't need any help getting more ridiculous. although i'll occasionally let people shorten it down to the first syllable.

I have the same problem. If only I was a stripper... or a porn star *sigh* Sadly, such is not for me.

my name is patrick, NOT pat

Yes, sir, Patrick, sir.

At least I've got a name that can't be given a nickname. It's just too damn short. There's nothing that can be done with it. Although after a few drinks, Trace sometimes tries, anyway.

I thought my name was the same way...but noooooo...Does anyone here like the dimunitive of his/her name so much that it became his/her real name?

Well, my diminutive bacem my common name. I didn't really have a choice. Actually, just about everyone in my family is like that. My brother is Mike, My dad is Bill or, if you're one of his cousins/aunts, Willy. He and my late unlce used to call each other "Ignatz". My mom , to her relatives, is "Toots". You know, they shut down puppy farms with better conditions than the Pentacostals Pilate just described. Goddamn, that makes me angry. Makes me want to get into a screaming match with a religous nut who's rattling on about welfare mothers, and yell at him that it's the damn religous freakazoids like him that are a burden on the public. Man, I wanted to stay out of the south just because of the humidity and bugs, but now I have even more of a reason to stay out...

there's trash in your neck of the woods too buddy......

yep. the trashers aren't just in the south. i found that out while traveling. i was amazed. i've seen some of the world's spookiest trashers in PA & MD. scaaaaary stuff. but the southern kind do have a certain "charm" all their own. i should add that i know some pentacostal parents who have done well w/ their kids. it's just that, for some reason, i've seen more abuse within that denomination than in any other. there are about a zillion different kinds of pentecostals. some are more rural & scary than others. i've seen some pretty seriously weird stuff among the holy roller set. i think that brendan is a "church of god of prophecy" kid, i'm not sure.

in a couple of hours, it'll be pilate's birthday

& now it's here! happy b'day, pilate! love you! (not that he's going to see this for a few days...he's already on the road w/ his family, taking a little vacation). i'll be leaving for the beach in a couple of hours now. i'm too wound up to sleep. the hubby's trying to sleep, but he's sleeping fitfully, as well. we get excited like little kids about going on roadtrips.

I used to hate it when people called me Mel, but now I really enjoy it. it's familiar. Melanie seems so formal now. (ps...happy birthday's all around.)

I hate it when people call me Melanie. Thats my in trouble name. Mel is good. Melly is fine too.

Melly-ka-belly. :)

I hate it when people call me Melanie too.

My mom wanted to name me Melania but my dad wouldn't let her. She often talks about "her Melania," as though there was this other baby that had never been born. It's kind of weird. Happy birthday, Pilate!

I wish my mom had called me something as normal as Melanie. Or even Melania.

!@#$%^&*()_+`~=-!@~+_)_()(&*^&^$# Confetti for Pilate's Birthday

oooh!!! it's snowing little paper things! and bubbles! hippo birdie! (my dad wanted to nae me axl, had i been a boy) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You dodged the bullet there. I know all about the trash up here, and I know how to deal with them. SOuthern trash is a different thing entirely, and I would prefer to stick with the trash I know and love. Shine on, you crazy cedar savages! We don't have Pentacostals in the U. P., but we do have fundamentalist Apostolic Lutherans, who often breed prolifically. One thing that I will never forget is this one family with lots of boys and girls. When I graduated, there were 3 girls and 2 boys in high school. Each of the younger ones was the exact image of the oldest ones at their age, hairstyle, everything. Spooky as hell.

Probably the result on inner-breeding.

that is scary

I was born Benjamin, but it's such a foreign name to me. I've been called Ben all my life. For some reason, my family doesn't like to call my girlfriend "Jess". They always say "Jessie". She's actually Jessica, but she introduces herself as Jess, though she doesn't seem to mind being called Jessie as much as I do.

ben-jammin!

I always wanted a normal, uncorruptable name. Like Anne.

I used to pronounce it Benjer-man.

hehe Benjer-man. I like that.

benji-man! but we have out own names here. names that we want to use, anyway. i am pez, the great and powerful!

Settle. Too much peppiness hurts my delicate sinuses. Our online names make us the first generation to actually decide our own designations. I wonder if, in the future, we will assign our offspring an online name at birth. I am curious about how Sem, Antigone, Moonit, Waffleboy chose their names???

But not the rest of us? I"m hurt.

probably forgot the "etc." there. semillama = sort of, but not really, a llama. also, sort of, but not really, a lama. I picked thisa out of thin air 10 years ago as my offical Church name. The full honorific is the Reverend Doktor Semillama, Ph.D FS (forbidden sciences).

preacher quack! sorry. pez is cute and easy to come by, as names go. i probably have thousands of different names that i've forgotten.

Are you asking for a Smiting?

Isolde, you know I'm desperate to know how you got your name, but I was just afraid to ruin the mystery. But I really want to know now. Tell me please.

no, only a smurfing. or, wait. i'm done.

Its began as a drunken incident where somebody called Jules and I 'units'. When I first started chatting I chose MoonUnit and I thought it described my lunartic *heh* and drunken self perfectly. Gee shortened it to moonit a while ago on the boards. I keep thinking I should change it to something a little more 'kiwi' but not kiwi because thats yuck - maybe weta, or pukeko, or i dunno - moa, hmmm.

I just realised that pukeko looks like you could pronounce it puke-ko, but its actually pu-keko. So that would be way too troublesome.

do you see now, the power of the GEE? to change the names of those around me? it won't be long before we're all calling Patrick "KoKo".

Koko, your one stop gay porn outlet. In March, animal rights activists broke into a factory farm in England and liberated 153,000 snails.

That's awesome!

Did they send them to New Zealand to my mum's punga fern garden - cause we've got so many snails, yuck. Its so gross.

your in nz, moonit? wow. i feel so dwarfed by my location inferiority. i want a boost.

Tell me when you get your smints, moonit. I lied and said it was printed matter so they'd get there faster.

woohoo smints! Okie doke, I am keeping a close watch on the mailbox - but nothing so far... Pez - borocca boost?

a boost in location satisfaction. as in "i'll take sponsorships fo moving to scotland". as in i live in boring old boring.

moonit- i can't believe that box hasn't arrived yet.....

Sometimes good things take time.

yeah, true, but twinkies? pop tarts? that should not take time!

mmmm twinkies... mmmmm twinkies.... it has been years since i have had them - cause you could get them in Aussie - dont know if you still can i think it takes about two weeks or so for kiwi-us mail so it must be the same the other way round? I'd like to live in a place called boring. thats kinda funny. Unlike Christchurch which sounds so damn religious .

it shouldn't be too much longer then.....

we're back from the beach... pilate & his crew (trace & brendan) hooked up w/ us for part of the trip. we all played in the surf on an island in florida. i got sunburned all to hell. spent a lot of time cruising the coast. found some nice beaches. after we got home, brendan & i both ended up becoming ill...don't know what we got into. i'm finally feeling a bit better, but i was pretty seriously fucked up for about 24 hours. almost had to go to the ER. brendan's still feeling a little weird. pilate's taking very good care of him, though. anyway, the trip was great & we all had a blast. i wanna go back.

Sounds good. We'll have to hear a Pilate update on the trip too...I'm sorry you got ill. Sometimes being in the water a long time makes me ill.

what water have you been in that makes you ill?

You've never been in water so long that you've been ill? I used to basically live in the water, and I realized that I felt kind of nauseous if i was there too long.

Maybe it was the rocking motion, like sea sickness. I never got sick, but I do not get nauseous easily either

Maybe it was all the nasty crap in the water. I don't get seasick either, otherwise I'd be screwed. And there was definently nasty stuff in the water.

that could do it

In fact, it probably does.

maybe you should have your stomach pumped???? As long as you are not sick for days afterwords

I'm not. Ok...so who hasn't gotten their smints yet?

were you in the gulf crimson? lots of jelly fishes? Last time i was in Destin, there were lil buggers everywhere, stinging........very annoying.

i do not have smints....

*starts to cry*

we were in the gulf. there was a jellyfish infestation reported, but i didn't see any. we swam quite a while at perdido key & also at navarre beach, both in florida. waded at gulfport, MS & hit a stretch of alabama beach, too. i'm still sick, but doing better than yesterday (yesterday was horrible, just horrible). brendan's feeling a bit better, but is still pretty much confined to bed. & now pilate's getting sick, too. must be a virus or something. my husband & pilate's boyfriend seem to be doing OK, though. pilate's trying to work, but i can tell he's not feeling well at all. i did almost get motionsick at perdido key, floating in some really large waves. but on the whole, it was a beautiful, pleasant experience (minus the blazing, godawful sunburn...but i'm one of those people who can get sunburn just by stepping outside the door). we all had a really good time. i was so glad that pilate & co. could join us. brendan was just blown away by the beach. he couldn't believe how different it is from home. i'm hoping that we'll be able to take him back down for mardi gras. i think he'll really get a kick out of that.

It's weird, I never get seasick when I go out on my boat. My girlfriend does if we go out in the ocean, but in the back bays, she's usually pretty good even if there's a lot of boat traffic, because the wakes only last a couple of seconds. The sea rolls are more steady and hypnotic though, I think that's what gets her. She takes dramamine now before we go out. I had a friend who swears by those wrist bands with balls in them -- they hit a pressure point that calms the seasickness feeling.

I've never been seasick in my life. I used to get carsick sometimes. Growing up on windy roads. That's it.

i used to get carsick w/ alarming frequency. i took a lot of dramamine, but it puts you to sleep, which turned me into a rather boring passenger. lately, i haven't been carsick so much, which is definitely a good thing. i'm not on the water enough to really know about my capacity for seasickness, but i can tell you that i started feeling queasy after rolling on about the hundredth wave down in florida. the waves had gotten really high & my husband & i were just floating on them, laughing like little kids. we had the best time. the water was so clear & pretty. i've never seen sunshine so damn bright as what i saw down in florida. holy shit, it was unreal. i couldn't take my sunglasses off. it was blinding. the sand was hotter than the hinges of hell, & i still have terrible sunburn on my back & shoulders.

i get planesick, but only on return flights.

Interesting. Maybe it has to do with your nerves, then.

we're still sick down here. just thought i'd pass that cheerful message along. pilate was looking pretty spooky as of a few hours ago. a strange hue to the skin and dazed, glassy eyes. the boy's not feeling right. i don't know what we've managed to pick up, but it's decidedly unpleasant. especially all the cramps that come w/ it. painful & disturbing. even though i'm still feeling less than spiffy, i woke up w/ this damn song running through my head. something i wrote. so i recorded part of it around sunrise. did the bass, guitar & drums so far. it's almost a jazz type of riff this time. a weird cross between jazz & funk. jazz. funk. junk. hell, i don't know what to call it. i just know that i can't get it out of my head. it won't go away. i think i need to go lie down.

Did you guys eat something wierd?

I thought I sent Pilate a belated B-day card to your E-mail address Crimson,but I got a return with different address.You should always wear skin block in the Sun,since you burn easy,you should use SPE 45.What the hell is with all these small sunglasses?I try to get ones that cover the most eye area,and this year I have had a hell of a time finding big ones.I finally found a pair but they pinch my nose.Hope you all feel better,maybe it was something you guys ate.

I buy little kid's sunglasses, because they fit me better, and they're cheaper.

i'm not sure that it's something we ate...i think it's more like a virus or something. at least that's my guess. click on my name to get pilate's addy. just don't send any sound files...he almost always answers his mail from my computer. no sound capacity. yeah, small sunglasses. i think they look dorky as hell. except for the pair of smallish aqua shades i've got. those look exceptionally cool. but in general, i think small shades suck. the day i got burned so badly is the one day i forgot to pack the sunscreen. it felt like it was about 120 degrees outside & the sun just fucking fried me to a crisp. it still hurts.

Owie.

Crimson's still burned. And peeling. I'm slowly trying to get back into the swing of things. Still not feeling so hot. Crimson and Brendan still have a touch of it too. The mystery ailment. We're over the really bad symptoms but are still very easily fatigued. Brendan still seems amazed by the fact that I'm taking care of him while he's sick. He loves it. That hasn't happened for him much in his life. I've been getting into taking care of him. It means a lot to the kid. Maybe I go a bit overboard but who cares? I think Brendan needs to be taken care of, which works out, because there's something deep inside of me that needs to take care of people. I didn't fully realize that until Brendan came along. Actually, I've always had a bit of a protective instinct toward those I care about, but those I care about are few and far between and I've always kinda regarded myself as a slightly cruel, heartless fuck. Brendan's changing my whole attitude. I've been trying to spend more time with my family, with Trace and Brendan (I have no other family, aside from Crimson and Ren, who I count as family, too). Trace is so damn beautiful. I keep thinking of how he looked at the beach, in the water. Blond, great body, looking like he was somehow born to be out there in the waves. I still can't believe he's mine. And the kid. So fucking perfect. I'm not the sappy "count your blessings" type but shit, how did I get this lucky? I've got a peaceful home life, something I've always wanted. And I'm not alone anymore. I've always felt alone in the world. Maybe it's from the folks having died early or something. No other relatives around and I spent almost all my youth in boarding schools. When my parents were alive I only saw them a few times a year. My memories of a family are pretty damn vague at best. But never mind all that. I've got a family now. A very tiny one, but one that's working out great.

I'm so glad that these wonderful people happened to you. Brendan and Trace sound so amazing and fun and neat to be with, for all the flaws they surely have, that it's wonderful to hear your posts telling us what they're up to. You sound so giddy talking about your family...I'm glad things worked out for you with takin Brendan. I know quite a few gay couples who tried to adopt but were rejected, basically because they were gay, although the county/agency/whoever was in charge made something up. So yeah. I'm happy for your little family. I'm sorry Crimson is burned.

It scares me to think that if this were a normal adoption process, I probably WOULD get turned down. Everything's working out cool with Brendan, but because of some people's fucked up ideas of morality, they'd consider it better to leave the boy with his hateful, abusive parents than to have him live with two gay men who will always be kind and caring toward him. If that's not screwed up, I don't know what is. I'm just waiting until winter, when the adoption should be final. Actually, I've gotten word that it could be moved up by a few weeks. Hope so. I'm still afraid that something could happen to jeopardize the whole process. I just want the adoption to go through so I can stop worrying about it. Brendan asked me a lot of questions about my own childhood/adolescence yesterday. I answered everything honestly. It got me thinking, though, and I ended up feeling kinda weird for the rest of the day. I'm not a guy with a lot of issues to deal with. In terms of past issues, I've got approximately four (my mother the ice queen, absentee father of the century, death of my second lover, and a complete mindfuck of a sexual molestation case by a school teacher). Brendan got me thinking about the whole molestation thing and it really bothered me a lot. I don't know why. No matter what I do, I can't seem to get rid of the whole matter in my mind. That was a long damn time ago but it keeps coming up from time to time and really bugging me. All I can say is that if somebody ever did that to Brendan, I'd kill the motherfucker. To my own father's credit, the molestation issue is when he finally popped back up to help me. After years of being a virtual ghost, he suddenly showed up when I needed him most. I reconciled with him just in time for him to die. It felt good at that point in my youth to be rescued at last. I needed my old man and he actually appeared. I want to be there for Brendan all the time. I want to rescue him from the things that scare him. I want to always be there for him. I want to be the kind of father that I didn't have myself, until it was nearly too damn late.

It sounds kind of weird, but lately I've been wishing that there was a "grownup" I could talk to. Trace is an adult and everything, but he's considerably younger than me and in an emotional sense, I'm kind of his daddy, too. I take care of people. That's what I do. I just wish sometimes that there was an older, fatherly kind of soul who could take me aside sometimes and whisper a few answers in my ear. At times I feel so alone. Crimson's here and she's the greatest. But I guess there's just some kind of desire in me to still have my father (or somebody's father) around. Not all the time. Not breathing down my neck. Just some kind of guiding force to tell me that I'm on the right path. But I don't have that, so fuck it. I get to be out here making the rules and hoping to hell that I'm right. Somebody suggested counseling to me recently, and I've even lied before and said I've done plenty of therapy, just because that's the hip thing to do and everybody's got a shrink these days. But I think it's a pretty weak way to go (unless you're a kid or something). What problems can a man not eventually solve for himself? On the other hand, I can't seem to lose this damn molestation thing. It haunts me. It's not the fact that I got fucked by a grown man. It's the fact that I got fucked over by this man and the system and the community and by everyone except my father, who actually believed me and gave me a place to run to. If he hadn't saved my ass, I don't know what I would've done. Suddenly missing my old man, real damn bad. But there's no time for that. Now I'M the old man, and there's shit to take care of. And like Dad always said, "grief is for sissies."

Get some help for the issue that is bothering you. Catharsis is an incredible step to freedom.

Grief is not for sissies. People who show grief are stronger than those who don't.

Emotional displays are pretty difficult for me. I'm kind of a stoic fuck. I have angst from time to time, but I don't really say a whole hell of a lot about it. I found it nearly impossible to feel grief over my mother's death. By that point my relationship with her had deteriorated to near non-existence. She helped send me off to school and I was grateful for the education, naturally. However, she was a frosty, evil bitch of a woman and her being dead hasn't changed my analysis of her character one bit. I do miss the old man, though. Disliked him for years, for his weakness. For his refusal to tell my mother to fuck off. I eventually found out, though, that Dad wasn't a monster. He was just this guy with a lot of problems who basically meant well. He stayed cold and distant to protect himself. When I finally started living with him again, he opened up a lot and we had a good time. So it's him who I'm missing, especially today for some reason. Maybe it's the cloudy, gloomy weather that's got me thinking about all this dark shit. Sometimes I go visit my former lover's grave. I just hang out there and talk to him. Trace and Brendan both know about it and are cool with it. Maybe I should go visit Dad. His grave is several states away but it's an excuse for a road trip. Visiting the dead. How pointless. As if they could possibly know that I'm there. I like to pretend that they can, though.

And on a completely unrelated note, my kid's starting to become slightly obsessed with Catholicism. He wants me to take him to Mass sometime and to get him a rosary (it's been about a thousand years since I've been to Mass). Brendan's friend, Violet, is totally freaking out about any interest he shows in Catholicism (she's in Catholic school now). She keeps telling him that it's an evil and fucked up institution. Brendan's confused. Turns out that she's been saying the same stuff about Pentecostals, knowing full well that he was raised in that religion. I think the kid's just looking for God. Some kind of spiritual answer. Violet's trying to turn him on to Paganism. Trace and I are giving Brendan information but trying to remain as unbiased as possible. Still, I'd rather see him join up with a religion I can understand instead of some kind of bizarre fucking cult. I managed to make it through a solid Catholic education without converting. I didn't have to. I did have to attend Mass and genuflect and pray and all that stuff, but didn't have to actually convert. I was privately pressured to do so, but I didn't. Brendan wants to pick a patron saint out for himself even though he's not Catholic. I told him that his patron would, of course, be St. Brendan. He didn't like that and wants to pick a patron based on accomplishment instead of namesake. I sent the boy to Crimson, who sells Catholic goods and knows about the various saints. If she can't dig up an obscure patron saint for him, nobody can.

True. Let him try out mass. If nothing else, he'll decide he doesn't like it and never go again. But let him try it. Havig faith really helps. I can see especially in his postion, too, having a God to listen to you would be really nice. Everyone gets mixed messages. Churches try to rope you in every day. It sounds like you guys can help him keep his head above water, though, so let him test out the prayer bug.