i ran into michael tonight. you know, there's always that one. the one who will always get to you. he lived for many years in austin, coincidentally. so now we have something safe to discuss, cursorily and in vague summary. i don't want him now and i'm happy it didn't work out between us, but nothing and nobody has ever hurt me like he did. i can smile and laugh. i can exchange drunken pleasantries with him. but inside i will always wish i hadn't given in to him. and nearly every push-up, every bench-press, every 30 minutes on the stair climber, deep down it's all in defiance of him, and everything he stood for, real or imagined. the only thing i can hope for is that he looks at me now and sees in me his own regret. but somehow i don't think he's capable of it. and he's not even a milk drinker! anyway. this all may be sad, it may sound pathetic, but it's the truth. there's no satisfaction to be had, only a reminder that we live many lifetimes in one body. afterlife? no thanks. once around is plenty.