How do you know which armrest is yours in the movie theaters? If you say something is indescribable, isn't that describing it? Do Dutch people always split the bill? Can you sleep forever without being in coma? Why is it called butterfingers when there is no butter or fingers in it? If you shine a light into a mirror, do you get twice as much light? How come it was called the Cosby Show when Billy Cosby's character was named Heathcliff Huxtible? If a Truck is loaded with Helium, would it weigh less than when it was empty? Wouldn't it get better fuel mileage? Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us we are put into the loony bin? How come toy hippos are always blue, or purple, when real hippos are brown? Why is it that whenever you sing to the radio, your voice is higher? Even when you have a low voice? Why is most lunchmeat bigger than the bread? Is there a certain temperature at which it stops being qualified as cold? At what temperature does it qualify as hot? If you were a pastor, and you were getting married, would you hire a pastor, or would you do the wedding yourself? Why is Joey short for Joe, when Joey has more letters? Can someone have their head in the clouds and be down-to-earth at the same time? If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they remember that they forgot? If you died with braces on would they take them off? Why do mattresses have designs on them when they're always covered with sheets? If a singer sings their own song during a karaoke party, is it considered karaoke? If conjoined twins participate in sports, do they count as one or two players? Why is shampoo clear but conditioner not? Do cows have calf muscles? How come French fries are not considered a vegetable, they are just deep fried potatoes? Do babies produce more spit than adults? Why do they say "an alarm going off," if it is really going on? Why do you go “back and forth” to town if you really must go forth before you go back? Why doos shaped macaroni taste better than the normal kind? Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown? Why can't you get a tan on your palms? If your sick for one week and on one of those days they had to cancel school because of snow, do you have to make up that day in June? Why do dogs sniff other dog’s bottoms to say hello, why don’t they just bark in their face or something? Why do companies offer you "free gifts?" Since when has a gift NOT been free? If something "goes without saying," why do people still say it? You know the expression, "Don't quit your day job?" Well what do you say to people that work nights? Why do you get in trouble for blocking an exit when you're standing in the doorway? In case of an emergency, wouldn't you run out, too, therefore NOT blocking the exit? Why is it when some products you have to turn it upside down to read the directions, and the directions say do not turn upside down? Why is a square meal served on round plates? Why is the 0 on a phone after 1 and not before 1? Which way does a compass point in space? Why are people allowed to put naked statues outside but why can't we run outside naked? Why do all superheroes wear spandex? If mars had earthquakes would they be called marsquakes? Why did Mary own a little lamb? If a missing person sees their picture on a milk carton that offers a reward, would they get the money? Why can’t a baby cry while it’s inside its mother? If the president were gay, would his husband be the first man?

well, dave? aren't you going to say "thank you" for the nice gift? looks like someone spent a lot of time on it.

is this Jeff Foxworthy spunk?

I don't think so,he's more into redneck humor,maybe Steven Wright? I enjoyed it:)

Not Stephen writght. It sounds more like Carlin, but it's not quite as witty as Carlin.

no way thats carlin. most of those questions are perfectly answerable

And not at all witty. Now this is witty. "He looked haggard and careworn, like a Borgia who has suddenly remembered that he has forgotten to shove cyanide in the consomme, and the dinner-gong due any moment." I mean, come on! "It was as if nature had intended to make a gorilla and had changed its mind at the last moment." I could go on.. "He was either a man of about a hundred and fifty who was rather young for his years or a man of about a hundred and ten who had been aged by trouble." Ahhhh.

"It was one of those jolly, peaceful mornings that make a fellow wish he'd got a soul or something... " God, I love this man. I shouldn't read his stuff at work...I nearly burst an eardrum trying to suppress my giggling and snorting over here.

I posted this for dave because he asked if we all could take a break from the political bs for a while.... i found it Here it is from the CrazyThoughts.com entry.

I just realized that I read Patrick and Bertie Wooster as having the same voice. They both can say goofy things with a certain...hauteur.

me? who is bertie wooster? what are you talking about.

Bertie Wooster is a character created by P.G. Wodehouse, who wrote those examples of wit I posted above. Bertie's valet is Jeeves, who has become the more famous of the pair. This is where "Ask Jeeves" comes from. Jeeves knows everything. In fact, if you go to the Ask Jeeves page, you'll see a link at the bottom for P.G. Wodehouse info.

I just love PG Wodehouse and "He was either a man of about a hundred and fifty who was rather young for his years or a man of about a hundred and ten who had been aged by trouble." is one of my favourites. It is from a short stroy collection "Blandings Castle". If my memory serves me right it's from "Lord Emsworth acts for the Best". Freddie, having had a tiff with his wife wanted his pa to do the peacemaking, but when pa refused, Freddie dressed up and wanted to play the part of his pa to his wife.., this is the description of freddie entering her room... I just love it.

Note: Dave never posted on this thread, for some reason.