| THIS IS A READ-ONLY ARCHIVE FROM THE SORABJI.COM MESSAGE BOARDS (1995-2016). |
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What if a train carrying the candidates to the debate derailed in a populated area and spilled them. Consider the following nightmare scenario: A train fully loaded with Democrat presidential candidates, on their way to a debate at the University of Louisville, is rolling through Happy, Kentucky. Happy, a small town of 1,900 hard working freedom-loving Americans, is going about its usual Tuesday afternoon business when a loud crash is heard. On the train, the synchronized whining is shattered as the train hits an obstacle on the tracks. The residents of Happy look toward the rails in horror as they see the train tip over, spilling its full cargo of liberal presidential candidates all over the banks of the tracks, and in many cases within several feet of suburban homes. Happy's worst nightmare has become reality. The town is now a full-fledged constitutional disaster area. Those who saw the accident and have the means to escape do so. For many others, it's already too late. Within minutes, a stiff breeze, bringing with it the scent of power and money, has carried The Spill hundreds of yards into town. In less than a half an hour The Spill has gone into several of the town's shops and noticed a distinct lack of minority-owned businesses. By the time the Federal Emergency Management Agency can be notified, The Spill has already begun protesting the low wages made by Fannie, a waitress at "Chuck's Eats" with three children and, apparently, no dental insurance. Other spilled candidates have already made their way into the office of Happy's mayor, demanding an increase in the minimum wage so Fannie can afford dental work for her and her kids. The Spill then federalizes the mayor's office and increases the minimum wage. Then, The Spill raises taxes, and Fannie takes home less money than before. Fannie becomes depressed, so The Spill raises taxes on "Chuck's Eats" to pay for Fannie's psychologist and "free" prescription drugs. "Chuck's Eats" goes out of business. Fannie is out of work, but thanks to The Spill, not out of Zoloft. Mercilessly, The Spill moves on. By the time FEMA arrives, The Spill has spread a good mile inside city limits. Before there is time to evacuate the students at nearby Happy High School, The Spill has already made its way inside, begun abortion counseling, and changed the school's mascot from a hatchet wielding Indian, to "Hacky, the coughing bear with a bad HMO." There's no stopping it now. Spreading quickly, The Spill moves on to the courthouse, where it removes a plaque displaying the Ten Commandments and replaces it with a chart showing the fat content of Krispy Kreme doughnuts, which were sold at the shop across the street until being forced out of business after The Spill sued them and other "big doughnut" corporations for peddling an unhealthy product. Within hours, The Spill has completely overtaken the town, forcing the residents to lock themselves in their homes after hearing that several convicted sex offenders and violent criminals were released from prison because police didn't read them their Miranda rights with a Kentucky drawl. Taxes are raised to pay for the construction of several new homeless shelters. When The Spill is informed that Happy, Kentucky, doesn't have any homeless besides Fannie, The Spill doubles property taxes to create some so the shelters don't go to waste. The Spill has now, in its mind, established fiscal responsibility. The Spill now sets its sights on self-esteem issues. Thinking that the name of "Happy" is insensitive to the unhappy, it is determined that the town should be renamed. This will be done by a committee to be appointed by a panel of round-table experts from an as-yet-to-be-announced coalition from a bureau of task forces. Within a few weeks, The Spill leaves "the town to be renamed by a committee to be appointed by a panel of round-table experts from an as-yet-to-be-announced coalition from a bureau of task forces" a shell of its former self. The area is now a smoldering cesspool of drugs, corruption, poverty and gerrymandered districts. The Spill is then picked up by a strong breeze, and wafts over to the next city, beaming with pride in the knowledge that it has helped yet another town become a nicer place to live. Doug Powers is a freelance writer whose work has been read by millions of Internet denizens. |
Satire by Dennis Underhill Dear Mr. Bush, I want to say thanks for some things. First of all, thank you for allowing my operatives to come into the United States and for making sure that they were left alone by the FBI and CIA so they could attend your flight schools to accomplish this spectacular attack. Your complete ignorance (wink) was invaluable. Secondly, thank you for escorting my family out of the United States without interrogation on September 12th 2001. Third, I want to thank you for Mr. Ashcroft for us. You'll remember that one of our main objectives was to erode the freedoms of American citizens and to replace them with fear. "Orange," "Yellow," "Red" - we LOVE IT! Fourth, thank you for removing that horrible secular dictator your government installed in Iraq. His refusal to obey true Islam is now no longer corrupting Muslim youth, and we are now in the process of restoring Iraq as an Islamist nation. Fifth, thank you for polarizing the Palestinians and Israelis further. There's just no good in actually solving this situation, and your refusal to even recognize Arafat, let alone negotiate with him, has been extremely helpful in our ability to turn millions of Muslims around the world against America and towards supporting us. Sixth, thank you for lying as badly as you do. You've single-handedly destroyed your country's international credibility, probably for decades. You've driven off your allies and we've got a far easier battle to fight thanks to this. Seventh, thank you for doing nothing to actually secure your country. Your unsearched shipping containers, your unsearched unchecked baggage, and your wide open borders insure that when we are ready, we'll be able to hit you again any time we want. Maybe we'll even have California driver's licenses next time! Eighth, thank you for ruining the economy of the United States, it's been a brilliant effort of your part. As one of our most cherished objectives, destroying the economy of America is something we could never have really done alone. All we could have done is destroy two sky-scrapers. It took you to do the rest. A great big "A plus" from us Mr. Bush! Ninth, thank you for ignoring North Korea's acquisition of nuclear weapons and their threat to destroy America. Because of this, we may not actually need to attack you again, and all we'll have to do is cheer when your nation is totally incinerated in a nuclear holocaust. Tenth, thank you for hiding those 28 pages from the 9/11 report that showed my beloved nation's complicity in the attacks. Finally, thank you for not killing me. At six foot six, and tied to weekly dialysis treatments, I'm actually pretty easy to find, and I appreciate your people keeping their word to my people. And give my kind regards to your Father too, for his funding in Afghanistan was invaluable to our getting started. As you know, we're all in this together, and so long as I can continue to terrify America with you, your stupid sheep will probably actually elect you for the first time in 04. Your friend, Osama Bin Forgotten |
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Is that the conservative mantra? |
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WASHINGTON, DC—President Bush spoke out Monday in support of a revised version of the 2001 USA Patriot Act that would make it illegal to read the USA Patriot Act. "Under current federal law, there are unreasonable obstacles to investigating and prosecuting acts of terrorism, including the public's access to information about how the federal police will investigate and prosecute acts of terrorism," Bush said at a press conference Monday. "For the sake of the American people, I call on Congress to pass this important law prohibiting access to itself." Bush also proposed extending the rights of states to impose the death penalty "in the wake of Sept. 11 and stuff." |
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especially because of this: "in the wake of Sept. 11 and stuff." Stuff? |
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A. A bus full of democrats going over a cliff and there are 2 empty seats. K |
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Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message: 370HSSV-0773H George couldn't figure it out, so he typed it out and emailed it to Colin Powell. Powell and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA. No one could solve it, so it went to the NSA and then to NASA and the Secret Service, even to MIT. The list grew and grew. Finally, some bright bureaucrat emailed the Mossad in Israel for help. Cpt. Moishe Pippick took one look at it and replied: "Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down..." |
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