I have been online for 3 weeks now.I have started some friendsips with a couple evolving into something more.They call it virtual reality but I think I am getting in over my head. Men are telling me they love me..I am spending hours with two of them.We are all married and ther opinion of this is reality is one thing and virtual realty is another. Whats to stop it from crossing over.or is all a game? I am so confused.....do people really fall in love with words on a screen?

words on a screen are just words on a screen. you may be talking to the man of your dreams or you may be talking to a murdurer. ya pays your dime and takes ya chances. if it's a game, who's making the rules? you or them. if reality and VIRTUAL reality are confusing you, step away from your computer till you figure it out.

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Valerie: Think. Trust me on this one.

I always love this conversation. Had it with people many times. Time wasted online : Approx 6 years. Heh. What I always say is, trust your instincts, your judgement and you should be fine. Unless you have bad judgement, in which case you'll probably end up doing something really stupid that you'll regret for a long time. Hrmm, not where I wanted to go with this. Heh, start over... Yes, words on a screen IS all that they are. However, you can't say that there aren't feelings and REAL people behind those words. (I haven't learned to program my computer to do _THAT_ much for me yet. *grin*) For a lot of people this is a place to come and escape from their reality and this turns into fantasy for them. ie. The guys/girls you just meet in a chat area and that same night they tell you they love you and always will. I'm sorry but you can't fall in love that way or that fast. Not _love_. They may be in love with the IDEA they have formed of you in their heads from whatever online persona you have taken on (& hopefully it isn't too far from the real you.) Some people get in too deep too quickly and in the most extreme of cases, have suffered severe consequences for such. Women have gone to meet men in person, with whom they talked to online for what they felt was enough time to get to know them, and in thinking they loved them and were loved back, they also didn't stop to think that 'wait, I really DON'T know this person. I know '(some nickname)' and some words that came across on my screen.' They find out the 'man of their dreams' isn't quite what he's cracked up to be. Only, in the end some are not so wise or lucky to get away from that. (ie. Been raped,robbed, kidnapped, murdered.... ) Then there is the other end of the spectrum where it turns out these people are really great and are just looking for the same thing you are. Someone to talk to and a chance to escape. Of course you have to look at the reasons you may be using this as an escape and make sure that it's not unhealthy ones. If that's the case, then you need to sign off, turn the computer off and work on the things in your life (ie. marital problems, problems with work, kids, unhappy with yourself in one way or another...) Just don't let it consume you. Try to keep that happy balance of your life OFFline as well as the one ONline. Believe it or not, it is VERY easy to get sucked into this thing. People try and deny it too and say "Naw, I'm not addicted. I know the difference between what's real and what's all an act." But, well that's not always true. So just use your judgement and do what feels right. (in the long run. Not just what feels right at that moment. Think of how your actions/words may affect things as a whole.) Hope that helps you a little, Valerie. =) And if you wanna talk about stuff anymore, (anymore concerns/questions) you can feel free to email me. I've been online for awhile and thru a lot of different things on here as well.

Valerie: Listen to the sorabjites... they know what they are talking about. My online escapades date back to before the internet, BBS dial ups, all text no graphics. That wasn't too bad cause everyone was local to my area (not long distance) so you could usually tell whether they were lying or not about places and things, but still you NEVER knew who they were in reality. Some people are totally evil, make up a complete different life, experiences, are not even the sex they claim to be. May be a man, may be a woman, may be some elementary school kid with an active imagination. Its easy to get your heart broken. Its easy to get wrapped up with the fantasy aspect, letting your mind and imagination fill in the blanks where you don't know things about a person, and naturally you insert the best and exactly what you want in such cases. I've had good and bad experiences. Worst has been meeting someone in person that had talked with for months, and finally met in person, talked for 5 minutes, gave me a hug then walked away cause they just couldn't handle coming to grips with the difference in what they told me was reality for them and who they really were. I've always been open and honest as possible and has really pissed a lot of people off but the ones that are only interested in the fantasy aspect are the ones that get pissy, go away and never speak to you again. On the good side, I met what I call the best friend I got in the world right now on the net. She was different from the rest from the start. She is totally awsome. Makes the hundreds of people I've talked to over the years worth the trouble just to find her. I can't give you a magical method to tell if people are being honest or not, but I do have a suggestion. If you really intend to meet someone in person, at least video conference with them first. Get yourself a little $50 black n white or whatever you can afford digital cam, DON"T tell them you have one. Talk to them for a few months, get them to tell you as much as you can, THEN connect. I know thats a little evil, but you'll find out damn quick if they lied to you or not. 'I'm tall, dark, handsome with wavy black hair'...... oh really??? ;-) It depends on what you really want. If you WANT fantasy, then fine. But if you're spending hours and hours (i been there) ask yourself if you're letting fantasy and reality mix. I did that too. If you want reality in a relationship though, be careful. If you want try the video conference thing. Just don't do it from the start, chat a LOT first. Not in fantasy rooms or places where the environment makes it easy to not be yourself, talk one on one without distractions and see if they are consistant over a period of time. It was so wonderful when I started videoconferencing with my friend, cause it became almost a regular thing, was like talking with an old buddy, and over the months the little things we talked about before fell into place, like you see something in the background, and you're like ohhh thats my dog spot, remember me telling you about him? And watch out for people that can only talk a certain times and no other times. Say if they can only talk monday night between 6 and 8 pm, mabe thats the night their wife is gone to a meeting or something. And they told you they were single eh? Just apply common sense to it just like you would meeting someone at a mall or for a date. Consistancy and honesty. And everyone is not *always* happy. If they are real and you talk to them enough, there will be days when you or they or both are in a BAD mood. You may argue and go away mad but just like a real friends you get back together after you've cooled down and work it out. Some people only show up when they are in a good mood, mabe they are bipolar or something or skitzo. Watch out for that. Oh one more thing... Watch out for people that *always* take an hour to 'get ready' to video conference with you. Especially after you know them and have been talking a long time. That in itself, to me shows they might be superficial. Sometimes we used to talk and I would have just come in from working, dirty as hell, hair messed up, or with wet hair just out of the shower, in all different ways, just like you would in reality, thats the key ya know. but the thing was, I WANTED to talk with my FRIEND, and that was the most important thing - not how I looked or anything else but talking and sharing with them. I hope you get lucky and find someone real. I did. :)

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Valerie: Listen to the flower people... they know what they are frothing about. My purple escapades date back to before the pastries, sugar embargoes, all meat no filler. That wasn't too bad cause everyone was local to my area (not long distance) so you could usually tell whether they were lying or not about places and appendages, but still you NEVER knew who they had been in poultry. Some people are totally clams, wake up a complete alien life, experiences, are not even the species they claim to be. May be a walnut, may be a straw, may be some elementary school frog with an active disorder. Its easy to get your chain broken. Its easy to get wrapped up with the ribbon aspect, letting your fingers and toes fill in the blanks where you don't know pfffft! about a hatchling, and naturally you inject the crabs and exactly what you want in such cases. I've had good and dweeb experiences. Worst has been meeting someone in chamomile that had meditated with for months, and finally met in the mall, licked for 5 seconds, gave me a shotgun then flew away cause they just couldn't handle coming to cheese with the difference in what they told me was fruit for them and who they really ate. I've always been twerpy and iced as possible and has really pissed a lot but the ones that are muggy and interested in the jetstream aspect are the ones that get poptarts, go away and never share again. On the flatulent side, I met what I call the sudsiest in the world right now on the net. She was itchier than the rest from the hairbrush. She is totally potato logs. Makes the dozens of homeless I've taken advantage of over the years worth the coins just to plunge her. I can't float you a magical powder to tell if people are hedgehogs or not, but I do have a splinter. If you really intend to bake someone in sauce, at least swim with sharks first. Get yourself a little $50 bag or whatever you can afford, DON"T tell them you dance. Chunk to them for a few months, get them to climax as hiccupy as you can, THEN jet off to Monte Carlo. I know thats a little devil, but you'll find out damn skippy if they bleed or not. 'I'm hamburger with wavy black wings'...... oh really??? ;-) It depends on what you really wash. If you WANT cupcakes, then fine. But if you're spending nickels and dimes (i been there) ask yourself if you're letting pancakes and gelcaps mix. I did that too! If you want reality in a party though, be careful. If you want try the NASA thing. Just don't do it from the hose, ratchet a LOT first. Not in smoky rooms or places where the environment makes it sick to be yourself, shoot one on one without vests and see if they are consistant over a series of variables. It was so fleecy when I started tubbing it with my friend, cause it became almost a televangelist thing, was like talking with an old shoe, and over the river and through the little things we shoveled before fell into place, like you see something in the pool, and you're like ohhh thats my dog spot, remember me splashing? And watch out for people that can only talk like chipmunks and no other fish. Say if they can only talk poker night between their hands, mabe thats the night their goldfish is gone to a toilet or something. And they told you they were water eh? Just apply lotion to it just like you would a burn at a traffic light or for a prune. Consistancy and vinegar. And everyone is not *always* siblings. If they are wood and you saw them enough, there will be days when you or they or both are in a BAD mood. You may color and go away filthy but just like a real idiot you get sleepy after you've fallen down and blown it out. Some people only show up when they are in radar, mabe they are smarter or something or english. Watch tv for that. Oh one more dog... Watch out for trains that *always* take an hour to 'get ready' to ram you. Especially after you know them and have been fishing a long line. That in itself, to me shows they might be glee club material. Sometimes we used to pick and I would have just come in from fire, dirty, trash messed up, or with wet tongue just out of reach, in all different dimensions, just like you would in Spokane, thats the croak ya know. but the thing was, I WANTED to tear up iron FRIEND, and that was the most important hook - not how I vacuumed or anything meticulous but freaking , coughing,and vomiting with them. I hope you get lucky and find a needy pet. I did. :)

....?????? What the hell was THAT? An awful lot of effort just to say nothing, Jhet. Or is there some secret message encrypted in all that gobbledegook? (& no typos, even!)

Okay, I'm feeling slightly jaded now.

Jhet: You are my new latin lover.

Awww, darn you Starchy! And I was out looking for a new latin lover. (Forced to let those chained up in my closet go... *sigh*) .... The quest continues.

I feel compelled to share my experiences over the internet, and I will try to spare you the ALL the details. When I first got online, I met someone. He was WONDERFUL. We became very close, very fast. I was SO very careful because of all the internet horror stories I had heard. I kept my guard up, was very skeptical and suspicious. I gradually let my guard down and he gradually knocked my walls down. He wrote me one incredible love letter after another. His love was unconditional, and I could feel it. I let him in. He was consistent. I couldn't find any discrepancies in his stories, everything I checked out, panned out. Told me he was a single father, had his own business, we talked on the phone for hours, exchanged pics, etc. This went on for one very intense month. I was hesitant, but told my family and friends I had met someone online, as crazy as it sounded. Everyone was skeptical, but excited for me, and I still couldn't believe it. I still had my suspicions....how could this be. Almost one month to the day, the truth started to come out. He finally told me his ex-wife was really only an ex-girlfriend, and she had moved back in because of their young daughter, they (he and his ex) didn't get along, slept in seperate rooms. Well, needless to say...next thing I know, I am in a chat room, and she comes in using his chat name, trys to trick me into believing she is him, then proceeds to tell me who she really is and slams me. She found out about me because he was careless and left some things on the computer screen and she read them. Later that day I get an email from him....telling me this whole thing was a joke. That he saw me coming a mile away, that I was insecure, etc. and he knew if he "blew enough sunshine up my ass he could keep his little game going", and everything he had told me with the exception of his name, was fabricated....blah blah blah. I was shocked, and couldn't believe HE wrote it...it had to be her. I truly believed he had been sincere during the previous month. Later that day, he called me to tell me that he HAD sent it, but I wouldn't, couldn't believe him. Anyway....SHE gets on the phone with me and proceeds to tell me the TRUTH. They weren't married, and never would be, he was unemployed, and had been for several months. The house HE "owned" was her mother's and "they" were renting it. They were not split up, nor had they ever been. She worked the nightshift as a DJ and that was how he was able to spend all that time online talking to me, etc. Then over the course of the next couple days, I got a couple nasty emails from her. I couldn't believe this shit was happening to me. All of the internet horror stories I had heard were becoming a reality for me. I kept thinking, Fuck! I gave this guy my phone number, my address, he knew where I worked, I shared all my deepest secrets with him, he knew EVERYTHING about me... I'm going to turn up dead. Obviously, that didn't happen and the emails from her finally subsided. I think she finally realized "I" wasn't the problem. HELLO, I was the victim here....But that didn't keep me from feeling like a sack of assholes. I felt stipped down, raped. What had become my "reality" was virtual and I had been taken on the ride of my life. I know there have been worse things happen to people, and even though nothing physically bad happened to me, (thank God), it was the emotional and mental violation that was very hard on me. Anyway... I have since met many wonderful people over the internet, not all are out to play games. But I do know a few who lied because they didn't think the people they were talking to online would become friends. That's how it goes though. It has been my experience that if you go at it alone, you will get screwed. When I met this guy, I was fresh...my first time online, and I knew NO ONE...he was one of the first people I had met. If you go in to say a chat room and spend enough time in there and make "friendships", get into a group of regulars, you all tend to stick together and look out for each other. I don't think my bad experience would happen today, I have alot of friends online and we look out for each other, and it isn't too easy to get into "our little group." So, Valerie, look at it as a game, and if your rational mind thinks it's unbelievable, it usually is. Be careful, careful, careful!!!

story of the flip side: i started on the irc in about 1993. hung out on one channel all the time. made friends, made enemies. made one friend in particular. he and i talked for a long time on line, then decided to exchange phone numbers. talked on the phone every day or so for about 9 months. found out he was coming up north for a job interview. decided we'd meet. met him at grand central. spent the day together. got along. he went home. we continued talking, but not constantly. about 8 months later, found out that he actually got the job up north (he's from CT, i from NY). moved from GA where he was living. Saw him once or twice when I was up in CT visiting friends at Yale. kept in touch via email. he bought a house. he lost a bet to me the day he'd come to NY, invited me up to see his new house and to collect the bet. that was october 1995. we got married in may 1996 and have been happily married since. but, again, he and i took it VERY slowly. neither of us stopped our lives for the other. however, i must confess that the moment i saw him in grand central, i knew that he and i were going to be together. i just had that feeling. and i'd never felt that way before. i knew long before he did. and i was right. just be careful, is all i can offer.

Wowza....that's wonderful, Asia.

Val, All I can say is to trust your gut feeling. Usually that works for me. I am friends with a couple of people on the net and one of them keeps a file on everyone she meets and what they tell her so she can double check. I think thats pretty extreme but it works for her I guess.

Right on. That's really cool, Asia. =) I met my now boyfriend (of almost 2 years/whom I also live with) online. Only I hadn't even talked to him for very long when we decided to meet. (Maybe 3 or 4 times) I met him thru a mutual friend as well, so I didn't think twice about not knowing him much. (She dated his friend, whom she met at a party for someone online.) Anyway, to make a long story short (and believe me, it's a long story. Least I can make it that way. heh) we met, hit it off immediately, fell in love and are now living together and enjoying every minute of it. But most definitely, trust that gut of yours. Whatever your instincts are, DO listen to them. I've known people who've had good and bad experiences with taking online relationships to a higher level. (I ended up having this guy stalk/become obsessed with me at one point. He even flew out here; to Seattle from Maryland after I told him not to and that I had a boyfriend. It was not a pretty thing.) There's just +'s & -'s to everything and only you know what's best for _you_.