| THIS IS A READ-ONLY ARCHIVE FROM THE SORABJI.COM MESSAGE BOARDS (1995-2016). |
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I can't come to terms with this tremendous amount of guilt that I have for the years between 79 - 87. I did everything I could do destroy, hurt and bury all things good especially those inside myself. I came from a decent inner city family and was pretty smart in school. Then I ran amok. This was no playful youth, this was hell bent destruction. I hurt my family who saw me overdose in their living room, beat the shit out of family members with a motorcycle chain, get locked up over and over...... I hurt friends by fucking their girlfriends and by starting trouble for the fun of it I hurt female friends by using them and getting them into some sick shit just to get my rocks off and then laughing at them. I hurt property by being a graffiti artist and a vandal. I destroyed a family by leading the son on a rape and pillage tour which he brought home while still on PCP. I broke windows, car mirrors, and freight train doors, a couple of arms and legs. I was constantly high, constantly armed, constantly out for trouble. I started a riot at my sister's wedding by getting stoned with the maid of honor and doing her in a bathroom. I threw a guy down a flight of stairs for laughing at me....I don't know if he can walk. I hurt people's feelings with my big mouth... I hurt people period... I fought cops...working stiffs...students.... I was into Satan worship and witchcraft... I made explosives I used explosives I smuggled waepons, drugs and people.... In the end I hurt myself. I destroyed many brain cells, tattooed my body, and have battle scars all over. I shot dope, drank LSD, smoked crack, PCP, and opium; ate Placidyl, Ellevilles, and ludes. I had sex in alleys, on buses, in abandonded buildings with girls who I can't even remember( at least I think they were girls ) I lost many important years of my life to a sick underground that believed that revolution was coming and that there was no hope. I don't know how I am still here but if you met me on the street you would have no idea. I cry and I can't forget this stuff, this BB at least lets me tell someone where I can remain anonymous. Even my wife can't believe it or doesn't want too till she hears the stories from one or two other survivors. Other people that are my age had a nice normal life, lived it up a little, married a girl from college and have a nice family. Thank God they didn't run into me years ago. Now for the rest of my life I will play catch up to get back to where I left off. If I am lucky I have reclaimed 5 or so of those years. There is redemption. I don't know why but the universe has let me continue. If I could only be forgiven........ |
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