Why the fuck haven't I written that paper? It's my favorite class, I love the topic, I want to do well, I promised someone I highly respect that I would send him a copy, I (technically) want to write it, I just can't get my lazy-assed self to write the damned thing. Every time I do, I just feel tired and sick. This morning I had a final -- I woke up at 8 and studied for two hours before taking it. Of course I don't think I did well. Why did I do that? What is happening to me? I haven't gone to class all week. I've done nothing but send emails and talk on the phone and listen to like every CD in the room, anything not to write that paper. I want to write it but I can't. It's too overwhelming. I want it to be good, but I know it can't be because it's too late. And I know that with each passing day my grade gets lower, and that depresses me because I want to do well, but I know I won't. I don't want to not do well, so I just don't _do_. Okay. It's too much, I think. It's more than a paper. I'm trying to prove something about a group of people who have been denegrated for decades, trying to show that it's not their fault they're so unhappy, so there's this burden on my shoulders to be persuasive and successful instead of just reporting the facts. And that sucks. I can't carry all that. Jesus, how must they feel? I feel this bad thinking about them, they have to live this. It's too much, and I've just brushed against the pain. No wonder so many of them have killed themselves. And the thing is, this doesn't even matter. If I'd just write the fucking thing, it would be over. It's not important in the scheme of things. It's just a paper. A paper. Why is it so hard? I like writing. I like it. Why can't I do this? God, I wish I hadn't put it off for so long. The only reason I'm writing this is because I want to come back here in a month after school's over and read this and laugh at myself for being so anxious. Because I know this will go away. In two days (jesus god i hope it's written by then) it will be over, and I'll be at home, and I'll be thinking of other things, and I won't think about this again until I get my grades. And then I'll explain to my family why my grade is so low, and they'll be disappointed, and I'll say it's over and there's no use to complain, and everything will be okay. I know it.

Shit, wrong name.

print off this post and send it to your teacher! spider, you sound like me twelve years ago. just write the damn paper. drink some coffee, put on some music, and just start going. you'll feel so much better. trust me. it only gets worse the longer you wait.

Now you sound like my mother. She's working on her PhD in Enviromental Studies (almost done, too...I'm so proud of her!) and she works mainly with Native American suicide. I hear her say some of the things you've just said when people want her to sell out and write something she doesn't beleive about why the situations with natives and suicides are the way they are...which, let me tell you, the situations are Amazingly shocking. She's a good egg, though...she writes what she believes, even if it means getting grief for it later.

Think of all that student loan money you'll have to reapy for nothing if you don't graduate! Just unplug the phone/lock yr door/put on some espresso & Do It! (Assuming you don't have the option of taking an incomplete & turning in the paper next semester. hehehe...)

Rhiannon/Spider - you could try what I did. Fail college chill out for a couple of years, have fun, get a really shitty job, go back to college, fail again, chill out, get a really shitty job etc etc etc. I think it all ends in a bathtub, but here's to your dreams anyway. Remember though, however important the college money job axis is, it's not THAT important. ------------------ So considering that the vast majorty of sorabjians are ex or current depressives and the staring-at-the-walls-not-doing-work side of things is a memory we all share. Did anyone ever figure out why? What is The Fear(tm)? Just curious.

so many of my friends are on anti-depressants that I feel out of place among them. what is wrong with me that I've felt sad enough to cry only twice in the last year? how is it that I can face the terrible world day after day without drugs? how delusional must I be to feel like everything is tolerably ok? fucking weirdo.

lightweight!

i never did understand the stare at the walls phenomenon, i only know that once i started writing, it all worked out okay. i have stared at the walls many, many nights in my life. i am now graduating in june, at the age of 31, and i just wrote my last paper about three weeks ago. and, guess what? i fucking stared at the fucking goddamn walls, and then i made some coffee, put on some music, and wrote the damn thing. then, i felt better. i don't know why it works that way. it just does.

Okay, it's 11:20. I've written about 4.5 pages (so 10 pages to go). I'm going to take a shower, then come back and work straight until it's done -- should take until at least 5 am. Probably using coke (that's the drink, y'all, not the OTHER thing) as a stimulant, since I find coffee rather yucky. No music -- too distracting. Tomorrow at 10:09, I'm catching a train that will take me home, where I can visit my family and get some sleep (and get away from this god-awful place). That's the plan. My paper is on PTSD as experienced by Vietnam vets. The more I read, the more I realize what hell they've gone / go through. I interviewed one man, and this is how he described having PTSD: Imagine you're in a movie theatre strapped to the seat. Each seat has a claymore mine underneath it. You can see the detonating wires dangling from the walls, and there's a fan blowing on the wires. Every time two wires touch, a mine explodes. You can see people exploding all around you. You stare at the wires, never knowing when the two connecting to your mine will touch, but expecting them to touch any second. Imagine how you feel. He said sometimes he thinks that he's not really alive...that the real him is still fighting in Vietnam and the person here is just his doppleganger (hence my preoccupation with that word this week). He says he feels like he died a long time ago, only his body never noticed and just keeps going. Now that's hell. This paper -- worthless. He would be so disgusted with me if he knew how much I was carrying on. He was a Marine squad leader, in Vietnam from 1966-1967. He had to face death -- his own, his friends', the people he was shooting at without hatred -- every minute of every day of his tour over there. He said he was was always scared, always. He could never relax. He still can't relax. He showed me the muscles on his arms: it looked to me like he worked out, but he said they're from being so tense all the time. He's literally so tense that his muscles are always contracted. A few years ago, he had to have surgery on an ulcer in his stomach that made him vomit blood every morning. He didn't want to talk to me at first, but I explained that I wanted to show that people like him aren't weak for having PTSD or something, like some people think. The whole point of my paper is that every facet of that war was almost geared towards the development of PTSD -- everything, from the weather to the enemy-civilian blur to the bureaucrats who gave the men faulty weapons and instituted the extremely-morale-killing one-year-tour concept, to the homefront protests, to the fact that we lost (he got really mad when I brought that up -- he looked at me in this weird way, and when I asked him what he was thinking about, he drew his finger across his throat while looking right at me.) I can't imagine what it must feel like to live his life. I'm such a baby! I'm really mad because I can't find this statistic that I read: that tons more veterans of WWI and WWII have sought psychiatric treatment for their shell-shock than Vietnam vets, but tons more Vietnam vets have killed themselves. That's really important and I would love to get the numbers exact and stick it in my paper, but I can't remember where I read it!! AUGH! Anyway, to the showers, and then back here. I think I'm psyched now.

yay! i'm so proud of you. did you try to internet for your statistic? it sounds like it's going to be an excellent paper. i really like the name rhiannon, by the way. i can't believe you got this far in college without the help of your friend, coffee. i never would have made it.

I didn't start drinking coffee until my junior year in college. I got by fine. Rhiannon (or Spider? which do you prefer?): Sometimes that writing thing is not something you can force. I think creativity always comes in spurts (nate and swine-stop laughing), including writing. when I was writing my thesis (thank god, I am done writing!), I would stare at the damn computer for hours and nothing. Then the next day i typed out 8 pages in 2 hours. It sucks about deadlines, they don't conform to our natural rhythms. Good Luck on the paper. I used to TA, and the best writing I ever had to grade was by the folks who obviously cared about what they were writing about.

Spider, I know it's prolly too late now, but believe it or not the shrinks at the Veterans Administration are very helpful and really attuned to the evils of post-Vietnam psychological and physical problems (some of these are ongoing -- my little brother was born with cancer and my mom still believes it had to do with my dad's indirect exposure to agent orange). You can call the VA and explain that you're writing a term paper to whatever shrink they let you talk to, and that shrink will pony up with numbers, references, and may help you contact people who would be willing to talk to you. This is not to say that the VA rocks, mind you, but that many of the institutionally constrained people in it DO.

It looks like someone here is in need of a serious ass-whupping. Bare skin, cat o' nine tails, steel spurs on the ends, rubbing alcohol, the works. So today at 5 pm was the final deadline for all written work. So what do I do? Last time I posted I had written 6 pages of my 15 page paper, and was so happy because I was finally going to get it done, blah blah blah. So what do I do? I don't write another word until noon TODAY and write the rest of my paper in 5 hours. I made it to West House at 5:05, having run all the way there, and luckily no one was in the office, so I could slip it in without anyone catching me late. Bad news: REAL BAD NEWS: It's the biggest (excuse me) piece of shit I've ever laid eyes on in my life. It is SO BAD. Oh, my God. Oh my God. Why do I do this to myself? Do you know what kind of grade I'm going to get in that class? What in God's name is wrong with me that I hurt myself like this? I love that class. I wanted to do well. I love my professor, and I don't want him to be disappointed in me. I don't want Mr. Bauer to be disappointed in me. I can't show him the paper -- he'd die. It is so bad. It's a disgrace. I'm disappointed in me. It was just too much. I'd never thought I'd say this, but I actually wrote 15 pages of nothing. There is absolutely no substance or value to the paper. None. It's empty. It's worthless. Plus, in the rush to print out, I don't even have a complete bibliography. So it's technically crap, as well as in content. If I had actually done what I was supposed to do and had written it with plenty of time to spare, I would have been able to spend just a little time on every little point I wanted to cover. Instead, in the rush, I have to grab 3 points, do a quarter-assed job of explaining them, throw some garbage together for a conclusion...god. I would write my professor and explain, but what would I say? I have no excuse. Plus, I'm so embarrassed I don't want to see him. God, I still have my final. But I know I'll do well, because I know the material. It's just this bloody paper. I wish I could redeem myself in some way. On two good notes, I also wrote an English paper I'm fairly happy with, and my other psych prof. OFFERED to do a thesis with me next year because she's "so impressed" (I quote her because I can't believe the words myself) with the work I've done in her class. So I'm not a total failure. It's just that I wanted this to go so well. And it went so badly. God I feel bad.

i have felt that way so many times. you tell yourself it will never happen again, but it does. usually it turns out ok. at the moment i'm procrastinating from a project that's due in a week and a half. the final review of my last project in core studio, i really like my critic. so am i working? well, i'm next to my table and a pile of paper... and i'm writing notes to people i don't know and who probably do not care. do your best most of the time, when you fuck up- get over it.

Hell, I'm reading this stuff when my complete thesis draft is due friday. Repent-slack 0ff-quit your job The world ends tomorrow and you MAY die Sorry about quoting religious nonsense to you, but that's what gets me throught the day!

Rhiannon, you are your own worst enemy...hell, everybody does it to themselves all of the time. The mirror is the devil himself. Always reminding ourselves of what we have done wrong, never giving. Did you let anyone read your paper? I bet they would be astounded. From what you have posted, I can tell you ARE with it and have no reason to believe otherwise. Please let us read the paper! No matter what the grade was, let us experience it.

NO. You'd cry. You'd turn red up to your ears, squirm in your chair, and emit waves of embarrassment in my general direction. You'd shake your head in fed-up-ness and say, the girl was right: why is this not in the toilet where it belongs? Deep breath now. THis is my last paragraph. Okay? Feel free to skip the entire passage. Don't say you weren't warned: One can see from the accounts of the war, the social statistics, and the symptoms reported, that Post-traumatic Stress Disorder on those men who have experience [that's right, no "d" at the end of that word -- GOD!! I'm practically weeping] heavy combat. PTSD, despite its gaining legitimate clinical recognition only 20 years ago, is not a new disorder. It is not a disorder caused by personal weakness or cowardice, but rather by the exposure to events and circumstances that are in themselves traumatizing. These external factors influence internal maladaptive reactions to the stress, which in combination produce the pathological condition of Post-traumatic Stress Disorder. Gary Wood, Vietnam veteran and author, states, "I was not discharged from the Army, I was discharged from society" (21). Hopefully, as the future progresses and research into combat trauma increases, the wounds of war will finally heal. *moan* *wretch* *sob* Aren't you crying yet? Aren't you saying to yourself, that is the weakest piece of garbage I have EVER READ?!

it's not that bad. i have read far, far worse than that. the missed d may indicate that you didn't do your final spellcheck, but other than that... rhiannon, it's really not that bad.

should we all post the last paragraphs of our last papers? i'm sure you'd feel much better. i'm not kidding, i'll go find one, you'll feel much, much, better.

My last paragraph doesn't make any sense w/o the second to last: When examining a site like Carp River Forge, one can think of what is represented in the archaeological record as being a snapshot of one moment in time and also asindicators of a fluid system of change and wide-spread connections. The evolution of forge technology is displayed in the hot-blast forges, which seemed to be in a form midway between the old cold blast forges and the hot blast forges described by Egleston in 1880. The ceramics on site show the connection to the wider sphere of American culture and display the need of the inhabitants to participate in that culture. The Carp River Forge represents a moment of technological change and cultural continuity. Work accomplished here has begun to show more of the domestic side of ironmaking communities. We have increased the pool of knowledge about frontier iron sites, and about life in general during the settlement period of Upper Peninsula history. Information supplied by the archaeological record, as well as the artifacts themselves, will assist the Michigan Iron Industry Museum in making better interpretations and presentations about the Carp River Forge. The work accomplished in the past three years on the Carp River Forge illuminate the humble beginnings of the Lake Superior iron industry and should provide the base for further research into the history of the Marquette Iron Ranges. Ok, where I screw up: "as being" - WHy can't I stop doing that! it's either as OR being, not both. and I also always screw up my tense -check it and see. I think what happens is that I get really involved in describing the people and the place and end up envisioning the whole thing like I am there when it all happened. Bad writing, that. Easy to correct when you know what to look for, though. btw, this is from my thesis, about 100 pages of text alon, probably closer to 200 w/ illustrations and indices.

So, I have a film studies paper which was due LAST tuesday at 11.15am. I am supposed to be finishing it for a week late in order to get a reduced (but still greater than zero) mark. Am I doing it? Am I buggery. What the fuck is wrong with me? I'm already working on my excuse. I'm too old to be doing this shit. My friends are getting married and starting mortgage repayments for fuck's sake. What the fuck am I going to do with my life? Ahh fuck it. Who needs a degree anyway. Did I mention I've spent nearly 20 grand getting to the final six weeks of my degree? Oh fuck. Do you want fries with that?

I did film school. At NYU. I'll sell you a paper for $100 bucks. Plus postage. But it'll have to be on African-American images in American cinema/or films abt Vietnam. Lemme go make sure I still have both those papers...

i spent nearly 20 grand in the final 10 weeks of my degree.

Close but no cigar. It's on Chinese cinema. I am so demotivated I can't even be arsed to do film studies. That's sick. "Software Quality Assurance" is next. What the fuck is that all about?

When in doubt -- contract it out. You must know some cash-poor person you can trust to keep their mouth shut who'll sit thru 28 hrs. of Chinese films/then dash off a few pages for you. Did ya try those termpaper sites that are supposedly all over the Net?

I'd just like to close -- school's OUT!!! The ab. psych. final kind of sucked (I hadn't read one of the articles a 9-pt. essay was on), but I think I pulled it off. If I fail or whatever because of that bloody paper, it's out of my hands now. It's a beautiful day, the sun is shining, honey bees are buzzing, the spring wind is blowing, and I'm going home!

congratulations, rhiannon. i graduate on june 11th, myself. then, who the fuck knows.

HEY!!! i just got my grades! 3.7 in abnormal psych! it's a miracle! all that anxiety for nothing! but i'm too happy to be embarrassed! 3.7 in 2 other classes 4.0 in another class straight A's for the first time in my life! agatha, i wish you every good piece of luck that's blowing your way. and even more good fortune in finding a job/a grant/whatever after graduation. (june 11th's the day before my 21st b-day, BTW). God is in His heaven, and all right is with the world.

Oh Spider. I am so vicariously proud. :)

yayyyyy!

Rhiannon,I,m proud of you. Agatha,I,m proud ofyou too,and Happy Birthday.

Ahhhhhhhhh. As the giant from Twin Peaks would say, it is happening again. This is the plan. Tonight, I write 5 pages of my pirate paper. Tomorrow, I'll wake up early and write the remaining 4. Then, tomorrow, starting at 1 pm, I'll write the fragile x paper. It should work. My pirate paper is actually going to be cool. Pirates were around from the very beginning of Greek history. There is evidence that Crete (founded in the second millenium BC) had a powerful navy that was able to keep pirates away from its unwalled city. And piracy was a socially acceptable profession. (One of my sources is called "Piracy in the early Hellenistic Period: A Career Open to Talents" -- I thought that was cute.) I just don't know how to start. I don't want to start. I want to go to bed. I should have done this this morning like I had originally planned. Actually I had *originally* planned to write this over Thanksgiving, then the plan was changed to last Thursday, then Friday afternoon, then all day yesterday, then all day today, now it's tonight and tomorrow morning. I changed my mind. It's going to be tomorrow morning and afternoon. I'll write the other paper, tomorrow evening and night (and if necessary, early Tues. morning). Yes. This *will* work. It has to. All papers are due by 5 pm on Tues., and I have classes that I must go to on Tues from 10-11:30 and 1-4, so there's no time to do them on Tues. I'm forced to do them tomorrow. There's my motivation. The sad thing is, I always get good grades. That's positive reinforcement. If I got bad grades, I would learn that this self-torture is not the way to go about getting what I want. But so far, it *is* the way. Don't blame me, blame the system that's conditioning me. Added bonus: I'll be able to say I successfully wrote 25 pages in 24 hours. So far, that has not been possible. So I'll be setting a new record for myself. That's additional motivation.

Hey if the path of least resistance works for you, don't knock it.

For some reason bikers always remind me of pirates and I,m afraid of them.

Lather's friend thinks I'm a biker.

Just thought I'd drop in for an update (though why, I don't know...I'm the only one who cares, right?) It's 10 pm. I'm halfway done my pirate paper. I'm actually having fun. I attribute this to the two No-doz I've taken and not to the activity itself. Funny how the package reads "safe as coffee" -- what's that supposed to mean? They don't say how much coffee. The cool thing about both these papers is that they're strictly research papers. I don't actually have to think, just report what other people think. This minimizes brain waves on my part and makes the whole deal a lot less daunting. The pirate paper doesn't seem to have much structure...just each paragraph seems to follow each other paragraph in a natural progression. I like this. My fragile X/autism paper will have structure. LIke this: page 1 -- intro page 2-5: fragile X: etimology and symptomology page 6-9: autism: etimology and symptomology page 10-13: evidence for link between fragile x and autism page 14: evidence against link page 15: conclusion So I like to think of it as 3 4-page papers, plus fill. That makes it much more mentally manageable. Unfortunately, I feel my energy give way as I type. Rather, it's like my fingers and brain have energy, but my eyelids are heavy and cry out for sleep. This is a bad sign. Plus, it's only 10. From the looks of things, I'm going to be still working at 7 tomorrow morning. (Oh, yeah, do I have to mention that I fell through with even the plan I mapped out yesterday? It turns out I didn't start writing the pirate paper until 7:30 this evening. Somebody smack me!) What am I doing here anyway? I've got things to do!

Smell your armpits. That'll wake you up.

Don't be crass. Anyhow, I took a shower before I started writing, so my armpits don't smell. I'm done the pirate paper. I don't think I should have taken those pills. My head feels very very strange. Heavy. Like it's hard to hold up. It also feels weird in my throat, like I want to throw up. But my stomach feels fine. I think. I hope I don't pass out. I feel so weird. I need to write that other paper.

i can so relate, rhiannon. on the up side of things, at least you aren't working on art projects the day before they are due. that really sucks ass. hope you're doing okay- your friend, agatha.

I'm serious.

maybe not good for you but a great way of clearing your head (when it feels heavy) + at least for me, a bit of energy- dayquil i took it when i had a lot of work to do when i was sick- then i tried it when i wasn't sick and it still helped

I am so sick and nauseous. For the past four hours I've been moaning in the bathroom and on the couch in the lounge. I've forced myself to throw up and it does nothing to help this go away. I don't know what's wrong with me. Besides having taken those pills. They say take one for 3-4 hours. I did. I took one at 6 and another at 10. Then around 11:30 I started feeling awful. I can't tell you how bad I feel. I haven't written a word of my second paper. I'm getting motion sickness typing, but I have to do it. I have to write that paper. This is the last day to turn in written work. YOu can't get extentions past this day. I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't not turn them in. I don't understand how I can still be this nauseous even when there's nothing left in my stomach. Why won't it go away? Before it was worse because I was shaking so much. That at least is gone. I just feel so bad. I must be an alien. Medicine never works for me. Stimulants make me sleepy. Sleep medicine makes me wired. At this rate, I won't get that paper done in time. I need to write at least two pages an hour, and I type so slowly because of the dizziness I can't do it that fast. What am I going to do? Why won't this go away? Please pray for me. My prayers don't seem to be working.

I'll pray for you Rhiannon/but it sounds like you've got a nasty case of the flu. So you need to treat it. I saw a t.v. commercial the other nite abt a new flu shot -- not the preventitive kind/but a shot that's supposed to kill the flu virus in yr body. You have to see a doctor to get it/but University Health Svcs. or whatever the student medical program is must have a 24-hr. walk-in center you can get to...? If you get admitted/yr profs. will have to give you an extension. Or you can always bite the bullet & make The Dreaded Phone Call (if you have the prof's. or T.A.'s home#) & sound as pitifully ill as possible/& ask to turn in yr work in 72 hrs. The only flu remedies I know of are herbal & vitamin treatments/which means someone wd have to go out & get stuff for you. No easy task at this hour (it's almost 6am EST where I am). And even herbal treatments take time (about 24 hrs.) to kick in. But you can try the following: Take 500 mg. of Vit.C - ASAP. Continue to do so every 6 hrs. (Fear not -- no one in the history of medicine has every od'd on Vit.C. Dr. Linus Pauling used to take 10,000 mg. a day or more -- & be lived to be 93.) A blend of chamomile & peppermint teas (or any other mint tea) w/a chunk (abt a 1-inch piece) of ginger thrown in/to ease yr upset stomach. Use 1 bag each of the teas + the ginger & make a weak tea (2 cups) from it. Sip on it until yr stomach settles. Add a little honey if you can stand it. If you've got the runs/I know they're a pain -- but diarrhea is one of the body's methods for passing the bug from yr system. Just drink plenty of fluids to avoid dehydration. Vegetable juices -- esp. carrot & greens like kale or spinach -- are great when you're sick & if you can get them. But dilute them w/a little water (1-to-3 ratio of water to juice) if you're still wretching. Take a multivitamin every 8 hrs. for 2 or 3 days to replace the minerals yr losing. (The biggest dangers from diarrhea are dehydration & electrolyte imbalance). The best thing is a combo of Astragalus/Cat's Claw/Goldenseal/& Echinacea -- all immune-boosting/anti-virual & anti-bacterial herbs. Get the tinctures (i.e. liquid form) if you can & take 2 eyedroppers (abt. 1 teasp.)of each every 4 hrs. for the next 48 hrs/or until you no longer feel like you're on death's door. If you can only find the teas/use 1 bag of each per 8 oz. of water & let them steep 5 min. Continue w/the tincture or teas 3X a day for 4 or 5 more days after you feel human again. When yr stomach settles down some/try eating some plain brown rice/or white rice if brown's not available. Clear broth or chicken soup w/the noodles & meat removed are also good. Have you taken yr temperature? Do you have a fever? Fever + the symptoms you described are usually indications of the flu. And the old adage is true: you've gotta "feed a fever". For every degree yr body temp rises above 99/yr metabloism increases by 7%. Which means even a low-grade fever of 101 means yr body is burning calories nearly 15% faster then normal -- which is why people lose weight when they have the flu. So geting even a light meal of rice/plain bread (but NOt the store-bought white stuff -- it's gotta be good bread/or it'll tie yr stomach in knots trying to digest it) or plain pasta or Chinese noodles/will give yr body something to metabolize/so you're not burning up all yr stores fats & carbos -- which you need for strength. Is there anyone you can call to come & look after you? Finals or not/everybody's got a best friend. This is the time to cash in yr chips at the favor bank & CALL SOMEONE to go to the store for you/or take you to the doctor. I just spent the last 3 days fighting off a cold w/Zinc & Echinacea & big doses of Vit.C. And I won -- while everyone else at work is getting progressively sicker. So this stuff works/if you can send someone out to the store for ya.

You may have over done it with the caffeine. Caffeine increases production of acid in the stomach. Take an antacid to neutralize it now. Thentake an H2 receptor blocker to control it. (tagamet, prilosec. zantac. pepcid etc)

hey rc! i've realized in the last couple of years that if i drink tea on an empty (or almost empty) stomach i get really nauseated- and the last time i tried to drink tea i finished half the cup and ended up losing it within 5 minutes. what's up with that? has anyone ever heard of anything like this?

Hey Heather! {{}} What kind of tea are you drinking? Regular (black) tea/or something else? What do you sweeten it with -- sugar/honey/nutrasweet? Is it store-bought tea in bottles/or home-brewed stuff? I've never heard of anyone getting sick from tea/but it's certainly possible. Reg. tea has a decent amt. of caffeine in it -- maybe you don't tolerate caffeine well. Esp. on an empty stomach. Next time you're having tea/be sure to eat a few bites of something 1st & see it it still bothers yr stomach. If so/you can avoid tea/or try drinking green tea. It's way good for you/& it's the mildest shit on earth/next to chamomile (blech!). Beaver's right -- too much caffeine can send yr stomach whirling & give you the runs. (Caffeine overdose is even in the DSM now!) But it won't usually cause dry heaves or a fever by itself. And the effects of a caffeine overdose generally abate within 6 hrs. or so. How long have you been sick, Rhiannon?

I'm still dizzy, so it's been about 8 hours. I've figured out that it's not really my stomach that's doing it but my head. When I move my head I feel worse. I took a nap from about 5:15-6:30, then spent 6:30-now (6:45) just getting used to sitting up. If I don't move my head it's not quite so bad. But I have to move my head to write my paper. If I hadn't taken the caffeine (btw, dug around and came up with one lone Tums. Let's hope it works) I would have thought this was something I've had before. Twice before I've mysteriously woken up to a spinning room. It usually stops spinning in about 12-24 hours. I hope to God I'm well enough by 4 to walk my papers across campus. The slightest movement makes me feel sick as a dog. It's my head. It feels really heavy and tight, like all the blood vessels and muscles in my face and skull and eyes are constricted. But I feel nauseous in my stomach too. But throwing up doesn't help any. You know what's funny? My mother and my best friend are coming tonight to take me to dinner. At 6:30. My mom's left for work by now, and she's coming here straight after work, and I can't call her at work because she's a teacher and I don't know her school's number anyway and there's nothing she could do but worry even if I did talk to her. I so hope I'm well enough by the time they arive. I don't think I can get in the car with them. The thought of that motion is enough to make me vomit. It's not the flu. I don't have a fever. I had the flu/bronchitis a few weeks ago, but i'm sure this is unrelated. Thank you for all your advice. I think I'm going to have to call my prof and my dean. I so don't want to. It's my fault that this is happening. I should have done my paper last week like I was supposed to. How are they going to have any sympathy for me? I also don't know if I can concentrate enough to have a phone conversation. I can't tell you the effort it's taking to type this. You say caffeine overdose should go away after 6 hours? I was thinking...how does it just go away? Where does the caffeine go? What if it doesn't go away? What should I do? Is there like a cut-off, like if I don't feel better by a certain time there's something I should do? I've been sipping water to keep from gettin dehydrated. I can feel the water heavy in my stomach. I'm so weak. My arms tremble when I lift them. I'm so sorry this is so incoherent, but my head is really messed up right now, and I don't know anyone around here well enough to talk to. I don't want to call the health center, because I'm afraid they'll make me go see them and I HAVE TO DO MY PAPER. I don't know how. I can barely think. But this isn't a good enough excuse to get an extention. I had weeks to do this. I've really messed up this time, haven't I? I thought I could always pull through but I guess this time was just too much for me. In the case that I can get an extention and don't have to do my paper, do you think this will just go away if I just lie down for a long time? I don't know what else to do. I want to fall down just walking from my bed to my desk. I don't know how I'd make it to a store or to the health center. I just emailed my dean explaining the situation. I hope she's in a good mood. I don't know what she's going to tell me. I told her to call me when she can. I hope I can be coherent on the phone. It's taken me an hour to write this far. At this point, the grave is looking like a good solution. I've never felt this badly in my life, not even when I had dysentery in Spain and got really dehydrated. Then I just felt weak, at least that's what I remember. That and when I would pinch my skin on my hand it would stay pinched. I didn't have this head/dizziness problem. I think and move so slowly. It's like my brain is churning through water. I'm sorry to complain so much. I hope that in a little while this will have all cleared up and I'll look at this post and laugh at myself. This may be dumb, but I really hope I'm better in time to see my mother. Plus, I forgot. I have to give an oral presentation tomorrow in one of my classes. We're not supposed to be having class tomorrow, but we had to make a class up. There's only two people in the class, me and another girl, and we've already postponed the class once. I don't think I could ask my professor to postpone it again, and I'm not allowed to tell my dean about it because we're not supposed to be having class tomorrow. Shit, and I have to talk to my English professor before Thursday morning (ANOTHER secret make-up class) about my final paper. I have English class today. i can't go. but I missed 3 classes already because of the flu. What am I going to do? She gets mad when people don't come to class and I don't want to get into it with her. Why have I done this to myself? I've really messed up this time. Look, it's 8:15 now, which means I've been feeling like this for about 9 hours. Shouldn't it have gone away by now? It doesn't even feel even a little better. I'll let you know what happens.

One more thing, if this helps explain what's going on: At 6 pm last night, I took one No-doz (what a silly name) and drank a can of diet coke. Stupid, yes. Then at 10 I started feeling sleepy and took another No-doz. The box says "1/2 to 1 tablet not more often than every 3-4 hours" I thought I was behaving accordingly. Then around 11 I started getting a headache, so I took an Alleve. That's all. Then by 11:30, I started feeling weird, and by 12 I was definitely feelng weird. Right now I feel particularly bad. I hope I don't pass out or anything.

Feel free to ignore the following. I just feel like talking to somebody and this is the way I'm going to do that. I just emailed my English professor. I hope she's understanding. I don't know why I'm typing this. I should be in bed, but I want to be here by the phone when my dean calls, because i'm used to sitting up now and I don't want to be lying down when the phone rings. It's funny how attached to this place I am. I mean the boards. Like I have to keep you informed. I don't even know my dean. my mom told me she called her up earlier this month to talk to her about how i don't know what i'm going to do with my life or something, and my dean told my mom that she'd get in touch with me, but she never has. I'm thinking too that she should have gotten my email by now. I think I sounded pretty desperate. I am desperate. Why isn't she calling me? Maybe she's calling my professor and they're talking about what to do. I didn't email my professor yet. I asked my dean what I should tell her. I need someone to tell me what to do. It's funny how you think you're all adult and can take care of yourself and then something weird happens and you fall apart. It's funny too how I looked up caffeine overdose on the web and on the list of symptoms it goes "blah blah, death, fever". Where are their priorities? I don't think I have that anyway. I'm not convulsing or anything and I don't have a fever. I have: dizziness nausea muscle weakness and trembling rapid heartbeat confusion My pupils look normal. Is that good? Maybe I don't have an overdose or whatever, maybe I just took a little too much. I don't usually drink anything with caffeine in it...no coffee or even tea that often, or hot chocolate or coke. I like milk and water. Not together of course. So maybe I didn't have enough caffeine to really hurth me, it's just that i'm not used to having this much. See? Like, objectively, i didn't take too much but subjectively i did. If you're wondering why I'm not writing my paper while I can write here, it's because here I don't have to look up and down from the page to the screen. I can keep my eyes fixed on the screen. It's the up and down eye movements of quoting sources and stuff that really makes me sick. And having to move around and pick of books and stuff. When I woke up from my nap, it was so bad that moving my fingers made me want to throw up. The slightest movement of my head was like unbearable. Now I'm better, but I tried to stand up to get a blanket, and I felt just as bad as I did before. It's weird writing this. Who knows what's going to happen? It's like this ongoing thing. You know? Maybe I'll get an extention and everything will be okay. Maybe I'll pass out in an hour and hit my head on the floor and die. Maybe I'll be fine in the next 15 minutes. You know, don't laugh or anything but it upsets me that I've prayed for this to go away and I still feel so bad. Aren't prayers supposed to be answered? though maybe they were answered -- maybe it would have been much worse if I hadn't prayed. Maybe God wants me to suffer to teach me not to ever do this again. Well, this is good news. My dean called and she said she will talk to my professor and maybe give me an extention until Friday for my paper. She will call me back in a little while to see what my professor says. She was nice on the phone. I almost started crying a couple times. When people are nice to me when I'm upset, I alwasy cry. It's easier when they're mean. But not too mean. Look how dumb I am! I just realized I never wrote my introductory or concluding paragraphs of my pirate paper, or my bibliography! This I'm really going to try to do.

Rhiannon,sounds like the caffeine was a litle too much for your system, I've had that feeling and agreeably it is not pleasant senastion. If you don't have anything pressing today, I might suggest a glass of wine or a beer, not in excess, just enough to counter the caffeine, and a nap. It is extremely difficult to make rational decisions when ones "system" is out of wack in regards to chemicals. So if at all possible,I would strongly suggest you put all pressing,[important],tasks on hold,and try and get some rest.After all, your namesake was a Celtic goddess, and damn, a goddess should be able to do whatever she wants, thats one of the perks of being a goddess!!!ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

you took too much nodoz. that shit is evil. i remember the one time i took it, the same thing happened to me. the terrible thing was, i couldn't sleep, but i was so tired that i couldn't even function. i ended up going to a punk rock show and smoking pot and getting extremely fucked up, although my nausea went away. i got hit in the head with the butt of a bass guitar, and woke up the next morning wearing a tshirt that i had never seen before in my life. bad shit, that nodoz. i hope you are okay, rhiannon. it will all work out, it always does.

right on, that sshit is evil, trucker speed, notice they give it you at eh book shop in those littel "care" boxes they give out? try taking a walk RHi, the cold night air may help you out, and agatha is right, there is nothing worse than an d art project when jacked up on that crap....trying to window mat or dry mount on that shit, your hands are all shakey and if you have a hang over the feeling it is pretty much the same. I had to leave the dark room, blowing off my final last saturday i felt so bad.......i usually only leave when they kick me out......

Sleep now, write later. I once turned in a paper two months late. You'll write much better once rested. Hope you're snoozing as I type this.

You guys. Thanks for your concern. I did try to sleep a little. I hope it helped. I just have to write like 1-2 more sentences and I'm done. I just can't think of 1-2 more sentences. Plus what I wrote was really simplistic. Who cares though? 2 more sentences and I'm done. Do you want to hear what I have so far? "From both the historic and literary evidence, it is apparent that piracy left its mark on the consciousness of the inhabitants of classical Greece and Rome. The pirates’ exploits affected everyone – from spectators in the theatres to the unfortunate slaves captured in maritime raids to the highest political and military leaders. No one who traveled the seas was free from the danger of attack and capture, not even the great Julius Caesar." Now I gotta come up with a snazzy ending. Then I'll take a shower. Then I'll see if my classics professor has responded to my email and will allow me to send her the paper as an email attachment. Otherwise, I have to go over there myself and give this to her. The building has long staircases. So does mine, for that matter. THat should be interesting.

Hold onto the rails,I mean it.

Don't worry. I'll climb the stairs on my hands and knees if I have to. Though here's a good sign: I just took a shower and I *walked down the hallway* to get there. I didn't have to hold on to the walls or anything. I feel a lot better now. Oh yeah, I finished and printed out my paper and I'm going to take it to her myself. I think (I even thought this last night) that a big part of it was the worry and that if I could just calm down I'd be all right. But it's hard to calm down when you think you're dying at 2 am and there's no one around to tell you you're not dying. So what have we learned? 1) I am a self-defeating fool. I am not immortal, neither physically or mentally. Fate/luck/the stars/God is not always on my side. 2) Chemicals and me do not get along. 3) Contrary to popular belief, deans and professors are not scary. They're nice. Especially the ones with kids of their own. 4) I'm going to write my autism paper...some on Wed night and the rest on Thurs afternoon, and I'm going to finish it before 6 pm on Thurs. 5) I'll try not to complain any more. 6) There are some nice people around these parts.

Don't forget to trash the rest of the No-Doze!!!

chemicals like no-doze will agree with no one. If i didn't know you better i would say saddle up at yer fav pub, have two shots of vodka, absolute, chilled, proceed with a few frosty beers and engage in mindless conversation with someone nearby, this type of activity tends to relax the mind and body and can make you forget all of your troubles, it's not a bad thing really, didn't jesus opr god drink wine every now and then? we had a song called "throw all of your troubles and dreams away" ........i get the impression you spend a lot of time cooped up in your dorm room, contemplating shit that doesn't need contemplating, get out sister, have some fun, blow some steam, studying psych, you should know this is essential....

Well, um, tonight we're going to see the Klezmatics. YOu know them? They play swinging Jewish folk music, and my mom and I like them...and my teen idol claims them as an influence, so you know I had to see them. That should be fun. And Lorraine and I see each other nearly every weekend, and we usually go into the city or somewhere interesting. In high school, she and I and our friend Ann were like triplets, and over Thanksgiving I saw Ann, who goes to Ol' Miss. I'm not quite as cooped up as I may seem... PS. The rest of those accursed pills went into the refuse bin when I felt the first twinge of discomfort in my head.

Well, lots of random thoughts. My sister gave me a book about women pirates (my sis is involved in a women's bookstore in nyc, and always gives me cool books). I haven't finished it yet, but it has chapters on pirates from all different ages, from ancient times to the present, and all over the world. My sis also did a puppet show once about Anne Bonney and Mary Reade, two women pirates from this part of the world. No-Doz is badbadbadbadbadbadbad. I took it once, in boarding school, and ended up puking several pices of pizza into the sink, cuz I couldn't make it to the toilet. My dormhead was not happy with my that night. I don't even think I did it for writing, it was just to stay up the last night before vacation. For writing I used to rely on coffee. I did have someone recommend tea over coffee, because the tannic acid in tea changes how the caffeine affects your body. Coffee will keep you awake, but it doesn't do a damn thing for focus. As for late papers, I'm still officially not graduated from college, since I never turned in my senior essay. Now that I'm contemplating grad school, I've made baby steps towards writing the essay, but it's damn hard to get back into anthropology. I did write an essay way back when, but it was such a POS that I couldn't even turn it in. I didn't have a good experience with deans or professors, mainly because I saw them as The Enemy. That, and depression loomed large for me at that point.

is that bookstore called Bluestockings?

I know tht book. Rhiannon - the Klezmatics will either heal you or blow off your head. or Both. Do you have "possessed"? That's my favorite album of theirs. What a great band. There's another disc you should be aware of, but I can't remember the name. It's a gypsy group performing the old Jewish folk music from Czechoslovakia(?), and the thing is, none of the music was written down, and all the Jewsih musicians who played perished in the Holocaust. So, the Gypsy group, some of whom heard the tunes and played with the Jews, have been playing it to keep it alive. Damn,I wish I could remember what it's called, it's really haunting, to hear the wedding songs of a people who were exterminated. I'll email my friend Justin, it was his disc, he'll know. Please feel better. I get spooked about my friends getting sick after an acquaintance dropped dead of meningitis last fall.

The Klezmatics were awesome. They kicked my ass. Such musicians! I got their album "The Well" after the show. I don't have any of the others...my mom and I heard them on public radio a few months ago and then saw them on some weird cable channel...that was the extent of our experience with them, but now I'm hooked. I'll see if I can find "Possessed" at the record store. They played this one song...I don't think I've ever heard anything more scary and beautiful. It started with a very simple piano part (two hands, but one note at a time) and voice, and then it went on to include the violin, then the trumpet and sax, and the chords were so incredibly beautiful. Very ominous. But they didn't say what it was called or what album it was on, so I don't know how to find it. I hate that. People were dancing in the aisles during the show (it was at my school, in Goodhart Hall, which is this Gothic stone theatre...very cool building). It was fun. Sem: that Gypsy music sounds really neat. My mother is very interested in the Holocaust, and I bet she'd love to hear the music you're describing. Thank you for your concern. I'm pretty ok now. I started feeling better yesterday afternoon but around 11 last night I started feeling weird again, but now I'm like 95% better. I can walk and eat and talk and everything...but if I move my head too fast I get a headache. Well, whatever. No more complaining. I have to get to work on my presentation that's at 3. I have to assess the NEO (personality test) and determine its construct validity and whether or not it's useful. This should be interesting.

Patrick, yes it is Bluestockings. My sister moved up to New York recently, partly so she could be involved in the bookstore. She used to be involved with a bookstore called Crescent Wrench in New Orleans. I got to see Bluestockings when I was in New York a few weeks ago. It looks great, and it sounds like they're off to a good start. And I'll make a shameless plug now. Anyone who's in New York, you should go stop in. Tell 'em I sent you.

The Klezmatics rule. I've been a fan since Shvaygin=Toyt (Yiddish for Silence=Death...how cool is that?). I've never mananged to see them live though, which I regret. They've played at the Iron Horse here in Northampton a couple of times, and I keep missing them. I guess the last shows I went to were Robyn Hitchcock on Halloween, and Natalie MacMaster the week after. Both were great, but I was too tired to enjoy Robyn the way I would have liked to. Has anyone else out there heard the Radio Tarifa cds? Those are among my favorites currently. The premise is, they play the music you might hear on a radio station in Tarifa in southern Spain, throwing in Morroccan and other influences. They've mananged to displace some of the great Swedish roots bands I've been loving the past couple of years (Garmarna, Hedningarna, Hoven Droven....)

I booked an author appearance there, plus i read the Time Out article about them a few motnhs ago. I work for a gay/les publisher so naturally we have a vested interest in womens bookstores. I hope they do well, the odds are against them.....Kathryn is really sweet the few times i have called.....

I haven't met Kat yet, but my mom adores her. Mostly because she's always willing to make book reccomendations over the phone for gift ideas, and ship. I think my mom may be their biggest mail order customer to date. I didn't get to see the store in action, either; my sis let us in before it opened on a Sunday when my folks and I were down. I really hope it works out. This is the second bookstore my sister's been involved with. Crescent Wrench just couldn't make a go of it in New Orleans, but maybe New York will prove kinder. D'ya mind my asking which author you booked there? Not that I'd necessarily know, but I could ask my sister how the appearance went. I know that they had a great response when the woman who wrote that women's altars book was there recently. They ordered a hundred copies of the book, which is huge for them, and sold something like a quarter of those at the reading. --also Patrick

justmice, do you know andrew broadhead, by any chance? what about zeke fiddler?

I know Zeke by sight. I've probably seen Andrew around as well. As we say up here, it's a small 'Valley. I've got a few friends in the music scene, and meet folks through them.

zeke is annoying. you can tell him i said so. is he still a little fish in a littler sea, making him seem rather large? andrew doesn't live there anymore, but he did for a long time. you don't know adam sendroff, do you?

Leslea Newman, she is extremely popular, and will draw a huge crowd, when we saw the bookstore open up, instead of booking her at Different Light, OScar Wilde or anywhere else, we felt the only women's store in NYC should get her. The appearance will fare really well for them, it's nit until Feb though.

Yeah, that was kind of my impression of Zeke, to be honest. Never talked to the man, but it's a small town, you always know someone who knows someone. I don't know Adam either, although with a little context, I could probably find someone who does. Leslea Newman is actually local to me, too. She lives somewhere in the Happy Valley, although I'm not sure where. I really liked the story of hers that got read for that KCRW series of Jewish stories. That should be a great draw for the bookstor

buy the book Girls Will Be Girls, out in January

i got a letter in my mailbox this weekend addressed to someone named Zeke. but we don't have a Zeke in my household.

We get regular mail addressed to Inskip E. Babb. He might gave lived here before us, but we've lived here for almost 22 years. what kind of a name is Inskip, anyway?

Wow, this is neat. I forgot most of the torment I described above. This month was pretty hectic at work -- I had to work late a couple of nights -- but it was just a matter of getting the work done before July 2, and I made the deadline by a day. My boss told me to go home early yesterday because he was so impressed with my work (and the fact that I can swallow Advil without water, but that's probably beside the point), which I thought was pretty nice. My moods are under control again. My only remaining worry is finding an apartment before my lease runs out in August. Life is good today. I'm listening to the live version of Nick Cave's "Papa Won't Leave You, Henry" right now, thanks to the reinstallation of that missing Napster file. I was checking out Audiogalaxy, and I typed in my brother's band's name for the hell of it, and a lot of people have his songs. I think that's pretty cool. I would tell you the name but I don't like the way he sings, and I don't want you to hear him. It's "emo" or something. Pretty instrumentalization with terrible singing. The band is pretty successful -- they're invited to play and be on compilations all the time. They've gotten really good reviews in several zines (incl. MRR), too.

Check this out! (from 'Cross My Heart with a Knife' zine) "[My brother's band] is one of the most dynamic and original bands around. They pack what seems to be almost every type of good music into each and every song. Place energetic and beautiful music with heart-felt singing and screaming and you receive... [bro's band]. Beyond words... but I'll try... Every song on this disk is epic. They are so well crafted and passionate. After listening to this you will feel as if youve lived a lifetime. [My brother's band]'s style is so different from any other band that it's somewhat hard to describe. Along with guitars, bass, and drums, there is a main-stay piano. The style changes throughout... from classical playing to scary organ music and everywhere in between. The music in general has so much power to it. The vocals are great too. Singing, screaming, screamy-singing, its all there. Not one time do you have a moment to rest. Even in the quieter parts there is still so much feeling. The lyrics are also top notch. They go absolutely perfect with the music. I dont know, i guess you can say they give a 'historic' feeling; they condjure up thoughts of old ships at sea and darkened forests. Some of my favorites are... "we scattered the dust and a dull gleam of copper is all thats left of a tired old storybook. you've flogged your graveyard ghost, so let it go" and also, "for one night we sat on the rocks. this was my golden castle. a victim's spire is all that's left...". Yep, they're nice to read but you have to hear them with the music. This CD is like the soundtrack to the grandest, most exciting thing that ever happened or will happen. This is music to fight wars to. This is music to end your life to. This is the one CD you cannot live without." I swell with pride.