i am headed out to a memorial service in a few hours for my former boss and artistic mentor, peter ramsey. he was an amazing man. i have visited him once in the past seven or eight months, since he was forced by his illness to retire from the school. he's dead now, and i can't talk to him ever again. i am supposed to say a few words at his service, and i can't think of anything appropriate to say, except that we all fucking let him down in his time of need. i am the worst hypocrite of all.

I'm sorry Agatha.

It's hard, isn't it? Right now it seems like a lot of my friends are dying on me. And it's painful to deal with, since one feels one could have said so much in life and then forgotten about it. Good luck at the service, I'm sure he understands that you didn't mean to hurt him.

Agatha,don't beat yourself up,guilt always comes up when someone dies.Personally if I was going to die,and I looked bad,I wouldn't want anyone to see me except my immediate family,and you always look bad in the end.I'd rather they remembered the healthy,goofy me.I had to speak at my mother-in-laws service,I feel guilty about her too.

it's over. i feel better. thanks for the kind words. he knew i loved him, i just wish i could have said goodbye.

Sorry agatha, you have my condolence. It's hard to let one go.I understand, but just let it go, he knows how you feel, he is at his peace and he loves you so much. :-)

Wow. Thanks. I wrote that a long time ago. I watched a video of the service not too long ago, it was amazing to see some of the faculty at the school blathering on and on about him, when they damn well never came down to the print studio. The faculty that came to visit him regularly, with the exception of two of them, didn't speak at all. Funny, that. He was always leaving his coffee cups around the studio. If I didn't throw them out after a day or so, he would continue to drink out of them. When I brought him a coffee and a sesame seed bagel, he would always say, "Oh, wonderful! Thank you so much!" as though it was a big surprise birthday cake, or something. Every time I see a pale blue subaru driving erratically, I think of him and smile.

Agatha...I am his son Jeff Ramsey and would love to talk to you. I can be reached at jeff@sagearts.com