of all regrets, i regret regretting. i am only fifteen, but as i sit and try to remember my ever-so-*un*past, it seems all there is to be found are regrets. regrets of sitting and wasting time; regrets of not doing things i wanted so badly to do at the time, but was too afraid to...regrets of not doing my homework so i could pass my classes i fail more and more each year, and regretting that my mother lets me skip school. don't get me wrong, i regret much more than previously stated. but every time i sit and think of what i've regretted, it's always the same fucking thing: sitting around wasting time; doing nothing. just zoning out; thinking. thinking... of what? NOTHING. i really fucking hate that. and yet, as much as i *do* hate it, it feels like there would be some motivation to get rid of it. but there isn't. and i hate that. i also hate/regret the fact that i am loaded with gifts, and've yet to put any of them to use. why? because instead of doing what i really wanted to do, i said "fuck't." i feel like a virus: everyone i tell about my problem is infected with my nothingness, or at least gets a good taste of it. i feel like i am on heroin, because i feel like i know i'm made of exact nothingness. but i am a virus... consisting of dormancy, and the thought that some day, i will be triggered to life once again by some innocent passer-byer. having said that, the thing i regret the absolute most is knowing i have the power to get rid of this nothingness, but doing jack shit about it. sorry this was so long.

This may be apropos to nothing, but your post has made me dig up the journal I kept when I was 19 because you reminded me of something I had written: "...I need to start writing again. I've fallen so out of practice of coming here every day and putting something down. Now I have all these lost days. I write because of what I realized in high school -- certain days would pass when *absolutely nothing* of any value or consequence would occur, and I would think 'May 16, 1994 -- a total waste.' Then I would get distressed (frantically depressed) and think 'I'm not really living! I need to make each day worth while!' I write now so that each day has a purpose - or at least so I don't look back and think 'September 19, 1997 -- waste of time and space'..." I should keep a journal again. It was fun. I found the entry I had written right after I had finally told someone about a family secret I had kept for years. That was interesting.

I have journals like that. And I often feel the way you describe, Neutro. But its not a permanent feeling. Dont think you are contaminating the world. The world sucks plenty on its own. At least you are thinking about things some, instead of taking it for granted like so many. It sounds like you are someone who takes more than your fair share of guilt. Who says you have to accomlish a whole lot? You do-- you are taking that responsibility upon yourself. Which is something that says you care about the world. So go ahead and make something of your talents. If nothing else, communicate. Don't think you are dragging people down. Reading your post, i felt less depressed, because I knew just how you felt. Don't feel bad about telling people. But at the same time, thats not the solution. You know what your gifts are. One is communication. Use it to help people. The thinking problem doesn't go away, but it does become a strength more than a weakness. I think. But I'm only 17, and I'm not totally sure of these things any more than you are. These are just what I can believe right now, and tomorrow I may feel different. So figure out what you can believe to get you through the day. I dont think there are a lot of permanent answers.

thank you, spider and ophelia for replying. just to see that people actually replied(!) totally shocks me.. especially since you two replied so quickly! you see, i've never been too great with the forums (or bbs's as sorabji calls them, as out of date (but still valid) as that term is) :P but anyway... ophelia, i find that i do feel better through communication, but not through me telling others about my problem(s); that only makes them believe i am the most fucked person alive. i am good with communication via others talking to me. i love helping others, as it has always been some "talent" that never really left me no matter how long it was until i used it again. today, for instance, i stayed the past seven hours at a friends house just talking with them, more so listening to their problems. just hearing them tell me i actually helped them is like a miracle or something to me; i get a grasp of true happiness that lasts more than a few minutes. i once thought about being a therapist/psychologist. who knows, maybe i'd be better off in that area. as for you, spider... you need to start writing again. as depressing as it is to go back and read the entries that remind you of how old you've grown, it's always fun to remember how shitty you were at the moment. :) :P it's also good to just write and get out feelings when there aren't any local hosts to spew it out on.

You are to young to be depressed. Wait until you are older and crotchetier, like me, before you become depressed. Let's see, late 40's. yuch. Wife has a major chronick disease. Yech. Have had several surgeries in last three years. Rats. Have several minor nagging chronick health problems of my own. Rats. Add to that the usual bunch of worries and stress of adult life and you get South Park. As Cartman would say ... Son Of A B..... Not from work I won't.

you get south park? sounds more like when i stopped watching er because the negative energy was too much to take this is my pet peeve: "i do feel better through communication, but not through me telling others about my problem(s); that only makes them believe i am the most fucked person alive. i am good with communication via others talking to me. i love helping others, as it has always been some "talent" that never really left me no matter how long it was until i used it again. today, for instance, i stayed the past seven hours at a friends house just talking with them, more so listening to their problems. just hearing them tell me i actually helped them is like a miracle or something to me; i get a grasp of true happiness that lasts more than a few minutes. i once thought about being a therapist/psychologist. who knows, maybe i'd be better off in that area." the key sentence being 'makes [people] believe i'm the most fucked person alive' i think that should tell you something. i do not condone people who 'once thought about being a therapist' actually doing so, and especially for thoughts related above.

I had reason to go to a neurologist a while back(yes, they found my brain and all!). He killed himself that Christmas Eve. I was kinda worried about him having poked around inside my brain while obviously not being of such sound mind himself.

i saw a neurologist once. got a bitchin script of barbs for a year straight

That was the year you bought the Star Trek costume, right?

yes. and please don't make me wear that again tonight. after 3 nights in a row cat, its needs to be dry cleaned.

Weeeell if you'd let Antigone take it off...I warned you he couldn't control his phaser fire around a man in uniform.

heather.. not all people do (since some people i explain myself to try (or do) to see things from the same angle) see me as an incredibly messed up person. i was edgy and very exaggerative when i posted the thread; didn't mean to make it sound so harsh like i did. ah well, no positivity in your moods will do that to you. i meant to say, in simple words, people find it hard to understand me. sometimes too hard. as an easy way out for their ununderstandation of me, they assume i'm fucked up and leave it at that. i'm not saying *everyone* says this, but in my outdoor social life, i usually get that. and i'm not depressed. my post sounded it, but i didn't mean to give off the feeling that i am.. if anything i'm far from it.

watcher, fifteen is not too young to be depressed. when i was fifteen it was almost too late. thank goodness it wasn't.

I know. I was using the same psycho bable given to me at that age. It doesn't help at all. I think it's supposed to make us "adults" feel better if we tell the kids, ie. anyone younger, they're not entitled to be just as screwy as the rest of us.

oh. you adult you.

I never use the psychobabble given to me. I rebel against it. My past therapist was in need of therapy. Have I mentioned lately that 2 years ago she moved from California to Arizona because the aliens were after her? She was on the cooalition against satanic abuse that started the McMartin trial if anyone remembers. Constantly paranoid. I pretty much rebel against anything she tried to teach me. Maybe that is part of why I am the way I am. I think it effected my politics.

most therapists become therapists to cure themslves, they're a self-centered lot.

we're all self-centered some people just like to pretend that they are doing things for the good of other people and not themselves

I haven't had good luck with the therapists that I meet. The last one had a son a little younger than Hayley and at age 5 he was trying to get Hayley to give him a blow job in the back seat of the car (we were taking him to dinner with us). When we expressed our concern with this behavior she did nothing. She lied and connived to get her way (and of course surrounded herself with people who did the same). She caused a lot of problems when Grandma was in the hospital (she was her neighbor). I know though, that we all are flawed. I just choose not to deal with too many therapists. Bad luck.

true. therapists aren't nessessarily a good investment. pay someone $120/hour to listen to my problems? no thank you. i'd rather have a creative outlet, or talk to my friends.

eventually, your friends won't want to hear it. sad but true. therapists are worth the money, sometimes.

If I could find one worth the money, I would be a happy person, or at the very least a reasonably sane one :)

MOCHI!

my dog has 9 nipples and she doesn't care. p.s. i'm serious, 9. not 8. not 10. come to think about it she does lean to the left.

my friend's cat has 9 toes on each paw...

Ann Boleyn had 3 nipples. [I don't know if she cared or not] You're 15. Get your ass in school,so you'll be able to afford to keep teeth in your mouth.

so, are shoes for a 9 toe'd cat difficult to find? i can't find a 9 cupped bra anywhere. poor pup has to go around topless.

Sleep tight.

FB, You crack me up! When are you going to come to California again?

/me burps Enjoying yourselves, are we?

THeRaPiSTS LS

me? california? possibly during 2002 (so you better tighten security)

um... It is 2002... so where the heck are you!? I'm alert! Security is tight and I'm ready to start some trouble!

i dare you to cross that line