..and gawdammit i miss you guys. so it's almost 10:30 on a monday morning. first day i haven't had to work in over a week. i'm still in my pjs. i'm listening to billy holiday. my goofy roomate is on the porch eating something he calls breakfast. looks more like slop to me. cds are scattered all across the floor in an attempt to reorganize. just read the post about FB. not sure what to say, but i remember his posts. see that the rest of you are still here and that makes me a little happy and worried at the same time. :P so hi kids. lemme see if i can hang around this time. im gonna

i just want to sleep. im not tired.

It would be nice. I love this place, it provides the very necessary distraction I need from work and other things. That's one reason I stick around. The other reason is that I really enjoy interacting with everyone here. if it weren't for this place, I might not have as healthy a mental state as I do. This place has always been here when I wanted to talk about something, and words cannot tell how much I appreciate that. Ihave a feeling I may need that function quite a bit in the coming future.

i have a nondescript, general negative feeling when people who have been regulars here for a long time and/or who share a lot here (even in a short amount of time) and then drop off these boards for very long periods of time or for forever. it pisses me off. i mean, i don't take it personally, but i assign cause and meaning to it, even though i never have the facts. i imagine it to be caused by a combination of them being too busy or thinking they are too busy, or thinking this place has become droll/boring/not worth their time, or having more important things to do, or "moving on" or "can't be bothered" or something like that. it's like having a friend one day, being involved in his/her life in some regard through what they write and share, and then suddenly never seeing or hearing from that friend ever again with no explanation. people typically don't do that kind of thing in "real life", but this is real life too. just because i can't see you doesn't mean shit. even if i don't particularly like you, that doesn't mean i will never care about you. even if the You you are here isn't the Real You but the Internet You or the Sorabji You or some Alter Ego You, that doesn't mean shit either. in "real life" we mediate who we are all the time - husbands and wives do it, friends do it, family members do it. we never really know each other but that doesn't seem to be an effective barrier to developing any number of levels of intimacy. so kalliope, go fuck yourself. just kidding! glad you could drop in. where have you been and what's new?

I used to post fairly prolifically almost 5 years ago. It was and still is, the only place that ever felt like it had some sense of community. Your online neighbors were friendly, and honest, and it felt like everyone wanted to watch one anothers backs. We had a pestilent little punk called oatmeal boy, or something like that, show up here, spouting racist garbage, and I took offense that this asshole felt obligated to rip into some people that I felt were truly good people. I was able to track him down to the company he worked for, and contacted him to let him know that there were ways that his life could become disrupted if he didn't lay off. Someone else took some of this information, and extrapolated this to find a personal website of this dick-head, complete with his picture and other personal information, which was subsequently posted here. A witch hunt mentality took over, and some folks contacted this kid. He wrote to me begging me to make it stop, saying that he was just a kid, and that he was playing around and didn't mean to cause this shit storm. I had something to say about it on this site, and walked away for a few years. That event caused me to realize how easy it was to reach out and touch someone in a very real and tangible way. Someone could have gotten hurt, and I have since curtailed my willingness to use my skills to root out "evil-doers". I come here, and I feel a fondness for the place, and I'm happy that Mark Thomas's great experiment has far surpassed the boundaries of the payphone. I regret the loss of my internet innocence, and hope that there is room for guarded passion in the future. Anonymity is an illusion, and it may be this very realization that causes people to "dissapear".

well said, everyone! Now, someone go and kick swine square in the nuts.

i was glad you came back, christopher, even though you will probably disappear fairly soon for another undisclosed length of time. if any of you ever met swine, it would make perfect sense to you why he stopped posting here. it has nothing to do with this site at all, he just gets bored and restless easily. it's a characteristic commonly shared by the members of society who are too smart to function on a completely normal level in this world. i mean this as a compliment, even though the people that i know who share this quality piss me off to no end.

swine this and swine that. hello people! christop? chordata? marcus? the one that really gets to me is the loss of spiracle. where is she? i was in houston this weekend and wondered if i'd recognize her if i walked past her on the street... perhaps they also fall into the "too smart to function" and/or "easily bored and restless" category. at least we still get sheila occassionally.

p.s. the way heather posts here sometimes reminds me of spiracle. there's an ineffable similarity.

Marcus gave me his phone # and told me to call him if I was near D.C.,well I flew out of Phoenix to Detroit(that airport rocks) and I was suppose to leave Charelston and go through Detroit,but the plane had mechanical problems,so they got us a flight on United and we did switch in D.C.,but I didn't bring his number since I thought I was going to Detroit.I miss Marcus.

i miss sheila and christop and margret and spiracle. i don't miss chordata/daniela because i still read her web page and email her now and then. i miss mark, even though he's a big jerk.

slacker, too. i heard this the other day and thought of him.

Margret and sheila come back every couple of months though. I'll admit that folks like Christop, Spiracle and Chordata didn't immediately come to mind, perhaps because I think they started to drop away as I was starting to post, and i can't quitre recall what they were like. Same with Marcus, although I do miss his thoughts on geopolitics, especially now. That last bit goes for Margret. I also miss Cyst and her great stories, even though they often made me shudder. But I think Agatha has a very legitimate point. Spending a lot of time on the internet is not something that is appealing for everyone.

I miss Cat.

yes, of course cyst. ack, why did her name escape me? i miss her torrid adventure stories and advice on fashion and getting free drinks at the bar. i fleetingly thought of cyst when i saw The Royal Tenenbaums, because the exaggerated, glamorous aura of gwenneth paltrow's character margot kinda reminded me of cyst for some reason. cyst may be pleased to know that she is exempt from my annoyance. she's probably in eastern europe or something.

yes, but at least Cat didn't drop off without explanation. BIG difference.

Hahahhaa. Sarah. Bite me. There's people on here who still know what I've been up too. I've been doing a pretty damn good job with keeping up with Waffles and a couple other people. I've been keeping my eye on daniela too. And a couple others. Don't take it personally. I do this in real life too. I kind of fade out sometimes on long distance relationships...but I always pop back in at some point. Most of my friends outta town know that if they don't hear from me every couplea months then somethings probably wrong. But no fret if they don't hear from me during those months. I'm realizing the older I get that it's become harder for me to have "real" relationships. Wait. Maybe hard isn't the right word. More like...it's just that I'm learning the value of a friendship...and I'm putting more energy into them lately. Which means fewer people... Oh whatever. I'm rambling. I do miss you guys though. No, really.

I try and come here every day. Sometimes I don't have anything to say, but I still read. And attempt to talk.

I come in here at least twice a week, when I am sitting in one of my classes. I try to come in more than that so I don't have to spend so much time typing in class instead of paying attention. Not that I type a whole lot. I did almost lose it when Nate said he was going to be iceskating in hell. That wouldn't have been good because the instructor was looking in my direction. LS

Have you ever been sitting in a meeting or a class or some formal grouping of people bored out your skull and start getting worried that you might blurt something out so inappropriate a la a Tourette Syndrome sufferer that you'd never be able to face those people again? Like that Mary Tyler Moore episode with Chuckles the Clown's funeral where she cracks up during the funeral? I haven't.

I have a friend who won't go up on tall buildings because he is afraid that he won't be able to control himself, and subsequently fling himself over the ledge. He is a real Joe Normal, with wife, 3 kids, a mortgage...He's had that fear since we were in junior high school together. When I'm in boring meetings, I like to slam my hand on the table and tell people that they're wasting my time. I really do!

I guess that is the joy of being at home. The only one who might think I was weird is my kid, and she is used to me by now. I don't think I could do that at work, though, because I would have to explain my outbursts or laughter.

I am worried about throwing myself off a tall building. Its so tempting and yet so damn scary and I hate heights.

I laugh at inappropriate times at work, too. No one has ever said anything to me about it, so maybe it's not as inappropriate as I think. Hmmm.

christopher....i've had the notion before. its a matter of control. now, it also helps i live in place where i could seriously hurt, if not kill myself jumping over my balcony. so the fear/notion doesnt keep me from tall buildings. but the thing that fascinates/scares me is the potential loss of control. something in my brain takes over my motor skills and sends me over. emotions can be that powerful.

This is why although I've been to the Grand Canyon several times,I only look at it from the parking lot.

Patrick, when I was in Vancouver last summer, on Canada Day, I saw some drunken assholes dangling from the balcony of a highrise apartment. One guy got back up, but the other idiot had slipped and was dangling from the very bottom. People were up there trying to drag him back up, but they were all stinking drunk. Eventually he slipped off, and plummeted to the rooftop of the building next door. He was very dead. I'm just glad he didn't flop down to the sidewalk. Seeing that once before was enough for me (see my tale about the suicide from the top of City college in San Francisco). I don't have fears of losing control and flinging myself into the yawning chasm. I fear that earth's polarity will reverse, and everything; buildings, mountains,oceans, whole populations; will be sucked up into space. Joan Crawford tethered her children to their beds at night because she loved them very, very much.

It was just those pesky wire hangers she hated.

Edgar Allen Poe wrote about that urge to jump off tall buildings. He gave the urge a name, but I can't remember it now.

If you look in all of my closets you won't find a single wire hanger. Funny thing is my mother is the one like Joan Crawford. She made me watch that damned movie over and over again. She thought it would make me realize how good I have it, when it really just showed too many similarities. I have never considered jumping off of anything like that, though I have considered sky diving. I have a fear of falling off accidentally, so I don't really go out to the edges of the buildings.

my urge is usually to drive off an overpass, preferably a curvy one. i don't want to die, it's just the idea to do it, like it might feel nice.

Sometimes I think about how easy it would be to drive into something. a saab bit me this morning. I am very angry.

Heather, have you ever read "Crash" by J.G. Ballard? There is a character who is obsessed with orchestrating the death of Elizabeth Taylor in a bizarre "freak accident". The plan is to get an identical car to what Liz drives, put on the same clothes that she is wearing (yes, full drag), and careen through the railing of an overpass, crashing down onto Liz's car. This was featured in the film version of the book, that was directed by David Cronenberg, but it was changed substantially, no doubt because Liz Taylor hasn't made a film in a long time, not to mention that she would undoubtedly sue. The movie was (and still is) banned in many countries. I highly recommend the book over the film; it is one of Cronenbergs rare mistakes.

the film was silly. the book sounds fantastic.

My friend has someone in his class that has Turrett's Syndrome. He explained to the class at the beginning of the year what it was about and stuff like that. So through class he spurts out things that he is thinking about out loud. The funny thing is, my friend says that since the guy knows he can get away with it, he yells things like "Fucking shit!" and "That fucking sucks!" when homework is assigned. It's fairly obvious, but they can't do anything about it, becayse he really does have Turrett's. LS

The most antiseptic soft porn flick I have ever seen. Kudo's to Cronenberg for continuing to go for the tough stuff, but it just didn't work. Watching Holly Hunter get plowed from the rear by James Spader, while they both have fixed expressions and glassy eyes had to be one of the more ghastly cinematic experiences that I can recall. The film had its moments, like when Roseanna Arquette with the leg braces and the big vagina-like scar is getting helped into the car by the salesman; the braces ripping into the leather, the fishnet stockings, the horror of it all...I almost fell out of my seat laughing. Unfortunately there weren't enough moments like that to hold it together. Cronenberg was trying to desensitize the audience by barraging them with sexual imagery, but missed creating the dubious point of Ballards book, the corollary between sex and automobile accidents.

I don't think I've ever had the desire to fling myself. Maybe fly...but then rational takes over. I do however have a whole bunch of little "tics". I won't step on cracks when walking down the sidewalk. I step inside linoleum squares. I can't fall asleep if my toes are hanging off the end of the bed. I read a story as a little girl about a goblin that eats peoples toes that stick off the end of the bed, and even now I have this unexplainable fear of my toes getting chomped. It's just weird..some of the stuff we do..

That was an interesting movie. I believe the first time I watched it, I was at Nate's house. We had just got done playing a shitload of NFL Blitz. Yes, Roseanna Arquette did a good job. Everyone has their fetishes, and sometimes you can mix them. Like cripples, leather, sex in cars, and oh yes, car crashes. LS

i read parts of the book, but i never sat down to read it all at once. never saw the movie. but i did see the puppet version on ifc and i promise you it was one of the best things i've ever seen [my squeamish attitude toward some things goes away when it's just fake fur and googley eyes] all kinds of stuffed animals and puppets dressing slutty, crashing little cars and having sex. i wish i knew where to find it again.

ok, LS - i'll where the leather and do it in the car. but no crashes.

I still need to lose my carginity, but I don't want to crash. I'll wear leather, though.

Car sex is great -- the thrill of being found out. Park on a dark, sleepy street after dark. For you, I'd suggest wearing a skirt and no panties. Your partner should wear gym shorts, no undies. Spunky can sit in the back and videotape.

Hrm. I really should finish my car sex song. Then I'll give you all a link to where you can download it. It's dirty. And great. I meant to finish it when I got my new P4-1.8 Northwood and such. I guess it's time. BTW, Natey, do you still have our song? I'd love to hear it again. LS

car sex is not good if your over 6ft tall. car sex is not good if you are in a 2 door compact that was funny dougie

Where there's a will, there's a way, Patrick. I like West End 2 at Jones Beach personally.

a buddy of mine said he'd never get a volkswagen (the old beetle, bug, whatever). "you can't have sex in those things! you'd have to open both doors." a week later i see him in a volkswagen. i ask him, what about the sex thing? "where there's a will there's a way," he says. how about in a wheelchair, patrick. buy an old hospital chair, park yourself at the top of some long hill late at night. you and your partner are both naked, she climbs on top, you undo the break and roll down to wherever fate takes you. i'd try, it but i'm crippled enough. i just noticed i wrote "where" instead of "wear." i have the same disease as moonit.

when you're screwing the same person for 8 years....such novelties loose their appeal i have come to learn. we prefer other people's bathrooms to the car.

hey i just painted mine!

carginity. Lost it when I was 15.

Spunky could tape it, hahahahahaha. Yeah, sure. We have a minivan, so I don't think that room will be an issue. I have never had sex in any kind of a public place. I must be boring. I came close to losing my carginity once, but as soon as my top came off I heard snickers and giggles in the background. We kept on, but then we heard them again and I freaked out and put my top back on and we left. I wasn't up to losing my virginity in a car on prom nite with an audience. I'm a big chicken.

i dont think ive ever actually had in car sex....i mean, ive gotten naked and play with a weenie or two in a car but never actually... oh wait. scratch that. 20.

Hrm. I could go for some car sex right now. I guess I really could go for any sex. Aye me. I should go see about this. LS

this place can drive a person crazy sometimes.. whatever happened to a nice irc once in a while.. i can sometimes handle that.. my little old black and white used cam was flooded out about this time last year..picture was getting crappy, anyway.. sarah..what part of houston were you stomping around when here?

spiracle! i liked your cam. i used to look at it every now and then.l

[psst...agatha, i look at your website pretty often. i pretend that i know you, like a rock-star]