I never know just what to say, probably because the shit that goes through my head is not the "topic of the moment". I don't watch ER, or NYPD Blue. I don't play golf and don't give a fuck what kind of car you drive. I am always thinking about two sentences ago in a conversation. I am reasonably intelligent but can't keep up with people's thoughts because I don't think they even thought about what they said. And the other person wants to show me how smart he is by saying something first. I can't seem to remember important dates, phone numbers or events but I can tell you the batting orders for every team in the 1973 American League. I don't understand women, sex, or love but have had a few of one, a lot of another, and one of the last and when I try to mix all 3 it seems to get fucked up. I see through people's bullshit always but never have the heart to tell them off... I guess I am just LOST. I can build networks and servers and all this stupid techie shit, make good money, and have interests and hobbies and I am not mean to animals. Yet at least once a week I cry and want to go sit on a mountain and just watch the sun rise and set. I love art but I draw stick people. I love music but can't sing. I love people but am very shy. I hate war but want to hit someone with a shovel sometimes. I guess I'm just LOST. To be continued.............

You: "I am always thinking about 2 sentences ago in a conversation". Me too. It's in my family, probably hereditary. My father had way of somehow, with the way he looked at you or cleared his throat, something, he could make you stop talking until he finished thinking and was ready to reply to that sentence. Seems I didn't inherit that art, at least not yet...

Good strategy....Sounds like the old man had an imposing will. He must have had a very piercing look, sound, or demeanor to make someone actually shut up long enough for him to catch up. He was probably a deep thinker, as we are, that adds too much import to others ramblings. Otherwise, this is some sort of dyslexia of thought patterns that is probably the result of much substance abuse on my part. Nevertheless, I still think it has a great deal to do with the thought plane that I live on, maybe you are there too. It is a plane that transcends the mundane, and is very theoretical and ethereal. I draw great inspiration from this plane and it helps me know that I am not doomed to te drudgery that degrades most human existance. I have tried to cultivate this and enhance the spirituality that one experiences when less in touch with the ordinary and commonplace. Yet I still am LOST when it comes to know what to say at parties or in an elevator. I am still LOST when a pretty girl makes googly-eyes. I am still lost when I know I should say something but the whole web of the recent conversation appears as a crustalline structure in my head and I just can't catch up and decipher the puzzle piece. Maybe I should just shut up or cough something up like the old man did. Thanks

You make me think. Thank you. Not many people make me think long and hard about things. You are a deep person. I am trying to placce an age on your writting but I can't do it. Help me out.

Hey Skachick, Thank you for the kind words of encouragement that you have posted in this and other threads. I am glad that I make you think, that is the goal after all. I am really not that depressed, I only write that way as sort of a catharsis from the stress of everyday life (job, future, etc. ). I do think about many things and their nature, none of which anyone should really waste their time on. You say that I am deep. Remember that depth is a relative perception epecially when dealing with thought. When one dives into thought, whether one's own or someone elses, it is very much like plunging into a pool blindfolded. The first reaction is to flail a about until one can maintain his own, then to gradually stabilize and enhance one's positioning. Once confortable, the individual then may dive deeper to explore the depths and if he is lucky will find an outlet to a larger body of water. If at anytime he removes the blindfold, he still may not really perceive the depth correctly because if the water is dark, it will appear shallower than it really is, and if it is crystal clear and relective, it will appear much deeper. But the exploration is necessary to put the depth into proper perspective and to decide on further action. One will never find a pearl if he doesn't look. This is what I believe animates the human quest. It can be very difficult because to really gain knowledge one has to stand naked before oneself and god to strip away the stories that we create to float our ego. In my case, doing this is not always a "happy" experience but one that I believe necessary. If it appears as whining or self centered, then I apologize because all I mean to do is sort of use this medium as a virtual soapbox, hopefully that others may benefit. We in our society do not measure the value of questions, just the speed at which we can answer them. Do not mistake depth for my ability to spew pseudo-intellectual babble. After all, what initially caused me to post here was a reflection of my own shallow soul manifested in the pained face that I perceived when I read the NOBODY post. I have been both the victim and perpetrator in that story and I would gladly be the victim 1000 times more if I can trade one opportunity where all I had to do was reach out my hand. I can still see the eyes looking out as if to say "HELP". I try never to let that opportunity pass again. As for my age, I wonder why it matters. Do I sound old because I have been around the block a couple of times...well I have. I have had my tires kicked, my mirrors adjusted and have been test driven down highways, byways, and skyways, in parking lots and in back alleys. Do I sound young because I appear naive and socially inept. Well I am still left open mouthed from a suprise,complement, criticism , or even a flirtatious come-on; as if there were some perfect response that I should have at the ready. Do you want to know my temporal age, the age that I act, the age I feel or the age of the lenses with which I percieve the world? If I have raised any thoughts, so be it. If not, consider these postings as you would subway graffiti. It confronts you daily, but have you ever stopped to read it and wonder why somebody bothered in the first place?

My main goal in life is to have as much fun as possible while I am in this life and to be happy. At times these things seem like the hardest things to accomplish. I know that I am my own problem, I am the only one holding myself back. While sitting with a group of "friends", I look at each one and wonder if they are just that. I find most of the time that they aren't. They just happen to be the people that I went out with that night. But if I had something they want.... they would be my bestfriends. if I have nothing to give them.... they have better things to do. That's what I call lost. Not knowing who I can turn to or just what to do or say. I like the way you write.... the way you word things, the way you analyze things. Maybe I like it because I relate to it. I don't know.... But I gotta go. By the way.... I don't care what your age is... I was just curious. I am a 17 year old girl....and feel like an old lady or a little girl. Depends on the situation. But ages are all wrong. They never fit the person they're given to.

when someone asks you how old you are, I think they usually want to know your actual temporal age, not how old you feel or seem or wish you were.

What an acid trip! Love the site.

Didn't I fucking tell you to shut your big yap???

As usual presidential crap has ruined this site! Bill stop it! Well, I would like to say that I think everyone who has put something thoughtfull and meaningfull into this site are good people. You all deserve credit. Soon I intend to write down something like that as described above, I would like to leave something thoughtfull for people to read after I'm gone from this earth. I like to make people think. Well here is a wee funny thing for you all to think about, what was the first guy who drank milk doing??

eating?

Bestiality with a cow?

Stealing !!!!!!