| THIS IS A READ-ONLY ARCHIVE FROM THE SORABJI.COM MESSAGE BOARDS (1995-2016). |
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the higher standard friendship can be annoying and preachy but shouldn't we want the best for people too? Even if it never becomes preachy then you're more willing to cut it lose if you expect too much... the 'as is' frienship is nice in the beginning...but it's lazy...and can sometimes show you don't care about anyone other than yourself... It can also sometimes turn into watching a train wreck.. I know i do both...it usually starts out as the 'as is' until i get annoyed and then turns into the 'expecting more' type... I wonder how common it is to seek out friends with more issues than you...more problems...less money...just to not feel like the inferior one in the group.. I know that people do the opposite too..a kind of social ladder of sorts.. the non-familia relationship baffles me... |
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"Perhaps you're right. Maybe my feelings were a little bit hurt. But that certainly isn't YOUR fault at all! In fact, if my feelings are hurt, it is only because it reveals to me my own shortcomings when it comes to friendship. The problem may be that all of my friendships, even the most important one of all, I don't tend to or cultivate as often as I should. My friendships are more like fields of wild flowers and weeds and rogue outcroppings of purely natural beauty. I don't water them, I don't prune them, I don't fertilize them, I don't control them. Like any living, breathing, natural landscape, they change and evolve, and I appreciate their beauty no matter what the season. Whoever can live in this field and survive naturally, stays and thrives. Whoever doesn't, dies out or sends their friendship seeds to be planted in a better tended garden. The downside, of course, is knowing that I've let some very important, beautiful friendships die in this field. Knowing after it was too late that I could have done something about it, then trying to change my ways, and eventually finding peace again in the wildness. That you have chosen to live and survive in and FLOURISH in this wild field of our friendship, despite my neglect, is the greatest gift I have ever, EVER been given, and it means infinitely more to me than holding the place of honor at your wedding. I certainly would never expect even Dave to remain in a relationship with me without my earnest care and attention. Because when it comes to any other relationship besides my friendship with you, love is never enough." p.s. this was not to my friend in hawaii whose wedding i am in next month. |
i need people to be interesting. and i need people to be able to talk to me without freaking out and getting pissed off and ending the conversation. other than that, anything. |
something dave. wrote about how adults shouldn't have expectations of gifts. adults shouldn't need to be cultivated. we should actualize ourselves and enjoy the actualization of others. that's my opinion, anyway. it keeps my dance card open. |
people just do their thing and we run into each other when it's appropriate. i'm thinking maybe i should practice cultivation though, but only because i don't want to be one of those old people with no friends whose children never visit. maybe if you stay open enough that doesn't happen. it is probably the lonely young who turn into the lonely old. i worry about getting old. |
Mostly they're fantastic people with whom I can share daydreams. |
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I've certainly narrowed my friend circle to a core of good people, but sometimes I regret not keeping up my high maintenance friends...especially when I am feeling bad and I wonder why they don't call ("never call...don't love me...etc"). I like that I have a large number of friends whom I can not talk to for two months and then strike up a conversation as though there was never an interruption, because sometimes I get caught up in the times or the moment or work and before I know it a month has gone by. Mmm...chocolate. |
Being supportive,even when someone has fucked up royaly,thats friendship.You don't have to condone the behavior,but let them know you still accept them as a friend. "Man,what the fuck were you thinking!!!!?The good news is,you'll get thru this,but maybe keeping a low profile for awhile would be a good idea!!!!" But I'm a loner.I like my privacy.I seem to entertain myself. I have sevral high maintance friends,when I've had enough,I just hide from them for awhile. But they know they can count on me in a pinch. |
Yes, I know I sound bitter. I am bitter about the time and emotional energy I've spent trying to help people who refuse to help themselves or learn from their mistakes and who expect the people around them to keep bailing them out of their self-created crises. Learning to recognize (and avoid) dysfunctional, co-dependent types is a lesson I seem to have to relearn every few years. Stupid me. True friends don't suck you dry with their expectations. I've seen my true friends through deaths, health crises, financial woes and more. I know they'd do the same for me. True friends are people you don't have to hide from. This topic seems to have struck a nerve that's still a little raw. I probably should delete this post, but I'm not going to. It feels good to vent. |
voice of experience -- nothing rude about that. |
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We've been friends since we were young'uns,it has been my good fortune to have her in my life. And definately low maintance.She's totally accepting and loving.Always. I love ya J! |
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