and what's the best way for a female friend whom you think you "love madly and miss terribly" to maintain your long-standing friendship, which has only been compromised to the make-out phase and that was in 1992 anyway? if you don't ask any questions straight out and you don't make any propositions (like, say, you just tell her generic dorothy parker stuff, like to not hurry back to town because longing for her from afar is less painful than longing up close), does that mean you just want her to ignore what you said if she doesn't feel the same way? or do you want another no, and do you want it with or without a list of reasons?

That was a rather convoluted reqested, Senator. Could you rephrase the question?

Isn't the passive-agressive stance a nice position to have? I too, Senator, would like you to rephrase the question for our colleagues' benefit.

it doesn't really matter, this is just more of the same shit that gets rehashed here all the time without anyone's really being helped because no one else can understand the situation as well as the person asking. what should I say, if anything, to an old, dear friend of mine who lives far away (but in a city to which I will surely return someday) whose latest emails have included proclamations of his passionate love for me? I usually respond to his email right away, but this one has been sitting in my box for a week because I just don't know what to say. "that's nice, but sorry, guy"? this wasn't news to me, but he's never been so direct before. I'm inclined to just ask how things are going with his girlfriend and ignore the rest. how rude would that be?

Be honest. "Sorry, but I just don't want to" sort of thing. "I just don't find you attractive" is a no no. Just make it plain that it's never going to happen. If you give an ambiguous reply or ignore it then he can still hang on. And I'd ignore the awful behaviour he's showing towards his girlfriend too. Oh and don't forget to change your mind after he falls in love with someone else.

hey hey now. our friendship has outlasted two girlfriends and a marriage. I am always very good. the girls have even become my friends. (this was a little problematic after his wife divorced him and needed a place to live so we became roommates, but anyway.) that's one of the shit things about romantic relationships. when they're over, you usually lose a friend.

Well, I've been both sides of this little dilema and the friendships that have worked involved honesty and respect and a bit of time. The one's that didn't work involved me being a twat.

i would probably try something like, "i'm flattered, but my feelings are not the same as yours." however, you should maybe phrase it better than i can at this point in time.

This is a sticky one. First of all, you sitting on that mail for a week as spoken volumes to him for sure. Go with what you might fear: when the romantic relationships end, you lose out, possibly, on maintaining a friendship with whomever. I think you should respond ASAP, if you don't you could have an even bigger strain on what you two have now. Tell him the truth. The first step is taking the first step.

Ask him what the real problem is. Sometimes these cries for love are a deeper indicator of something wrong in a person's life. Hope you sort it out.

By the way, I enjoy being let down with BIG RED STRAPS!

thanks for all the advice. I sent him a long message that covered a lot of subjects, I ignored the important stuff, though I asked how he and his gf are doing, and have since heard back and he answered all my meaningless questions and ignored my question about how he and his gf are doing. I can't really do this stuff over email. and I definitely can't do it in person.

I guess a phone call is out of the question. Just don't let this situation manifest...okay?

Why can't girls be friends after the breakup. What is wrong with that?

this is why my psychotic cat is named Spaceman Spiff. He doesn't come from Earth. He doesn't understand why the prey items aren't grateful when he mercifully bites off their heads first, why they no longer want to play the twitch and pounce game. There is a connection here. Think about it. I have specifically asked him not to post to sorabji.com.

Why can't girls just continue to have sex with you after the breakup? What is wrong with that?

nothing wrong with that. but why would both of you not be able to find someone else to have sex with? and if you can't, why break up? doesn't Break Up mean not having sex any more? perhaps i am out of touch. we mountain persons do things differently, have odd customs and folkways not understood by the outside world. it's just an expression.

odd = enlightened ;) But nice guys don't have sex. They are too busy being, ummm 'nice'. What was the question?

*taps Whet on the shoulder & waits for him to turn around...* *SuperWarmFuzzyFlyingTackleHuggleSnuggles him* *Smiles, goes back to her business, contently humming a tune*

I just love sneak attack hugs :-)