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I find that I can sleep with some men and still remain friends with them. Ok, I am terrified of relationships. Casual sex is easier. I am freaking out because I just filled out a form designating someone as my significant other so that I can get him special airfare rates that I get (I'm paying under $300 for both of us to fly r/t from Denver/New York to San Francisco, doesn't that rock?). Anyways, there are just so many times that I want to go camping or hiking with someone and NOT sleep with them, and then the guy gets all pissed off and calls me FRIGID. OK, so if a guy doesn't want to sleep with a woman, it's because she's fat or ugly. If a woman doesn't want to sleep with a man, it's because she's frigid. |
That is because he doesn't think of you as a "friend". Even casual sex can lead one party into the whole "girlfriend/boyfirend" attitudes. The only way to remain friends with the opposite sex is to keep sex out of it. |
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if you're mature and realistic about it, it doesnt. |
I have a straight friend that wanted to give me the gift of a one-nighter for Christmas one year. I had a pretty wild Christmas party, and after everyone left, he made good on it. The sex was great, and we both had a great time. As the sun started to rise, he told me that this would never happen again, and that we could never talk about it. We were to act as if the last 6 hours never happened. When he left, I felt a hollowness inside my heart that was (and is) one of the worst things I have ever felt. Our friendship was still strong, but I thought about it a lot. It CHANGED the way I felt and interacted with him. It CHANGED the way we were 100% open with one another. If I could go back in time, I would have made another decision. |
it just sounds like your friend had issues with his own sexuality more than anything else and made you to suffer for his repression. Your heartache seems due to the fact that he dictated the terms entirely and to act like something like that doesnt happen is hurtful. With another couple, whom we are close too, we still talk and giggle about the long weekend we got freaky. it wasn't a one night thing either. i happened several times and is a cherished event with all of us. Hell, my best man ended up being my first threesome and still is a close friend even though we live on opposite sides of the country. we are all mature and realistic about what happened. jealousy or shame never entered in the picture. we all took it for what it was and thats that. |
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no christopher, thats not it. 90% of my friends would never work out at this kind of scenario. All im saying is, it IS possible, you CAN still be very close with the people you screw despite what everyone is saying. But you see, your example, pilate's similar experience and dougie's post...all exemplify my point. The fact that you agreed to go along with your "don't ask don't tell" friend to me is a red flag before the BVDs come off. That was irrational of you and totally messed up of your friend to even ask such a thing. I have friends like dougie too who say they'd "kill a man doing their girl" and of course it would never work. Its not big deal. None at all. I just think jealousy is an evil evil evil irrational emotion that never has any justification. |
Patrick, I think this is a big difference in how we think. It isn't about jealousy, but I would rip they eyes out of anyone who was even trying to get with my husband (trust me on this, it has happened). It is about the sanctity of marriage and the belief that with any kind of committed relationship (and any real relationship does have committment) there is also monogamy. It is about morality, stability, trust, commitment, beyond that which is solely intellectual, but also attached to the heart. It has nothing to do with jealousy. I would never be jealous of my husband looking at another woman, hell, I would look with him. I am committed to him, and will be with no one else. No threesomes, no other couples, no one else. He is the same with me. I know that your obvious reaction would blame it on shame based on teachings of the church, but that is not true in my case. I grew up in a home with no church and little morality in any form. When my husband and I married I was not a christian. Sometimes I question whether I truly am one now. Too many people it is a big deal, because it is a breach of their trust for each other to think it would be so easy for your loved one to be with someone else. It is very difficult to keep emotions out of it. Sex isn't something we share with everyone, that would be very dangerous, and since it is something shared only with people whom we have a strong emotional connection with, it is almost impossible to keep emotions out of it. |
/sarcasm |
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eri, this is exactly jealousy. its territorial, immature. Violence over such actions is just absurd and silly. It is jealousy whether you like it or not. Monkey's react like this. They take clubs and beat others infrigning on their territory. Try to be above that eh? Im all about the sanctity of marriage. I don't believe humans are monagamous by nature either. I consider myself moral, more moral than most god fearing people. The deal is this eri....mutual respect. There is was absolutely NO respect lost while screwing around WITH my wife. None whatsoever. No more respect lost than if we were playing a neighborhood softball game on opposite teams. Its just sex. Its just fun with people we know, love and are close too. We don't attach any more emotional tags to it than is required or necessary. For the record, intercourse is something we don't share with anyone. Someone hitting on my wife is not a threat to me. Someone hitting on me is not a threat to my wife. We are confident in each other, in that no one actions matter but our own. This is where people start getting silly. Like clawing the eyes out of some lady who is putting the moves on trace. Why do that? Why not trust your mate to do the right thing, and if he doesnt, claw HIS eyes out? I understand what you're saying christopher. its kind of weird, but the only people we've messed around with were close and it probably couldnt be any other way. We could never do the one-night stand kind of deal you know? Its an odd thing. And I confess its something that hasnt happened in years and probably won't happen again. |
The deal for me isn't mutual respect, because I don't respect anyone who messes around with anyone else when they are married, intercourse or not. It wouldn't matter if I were there or not. That wouldn't make a difference. Intimacy is something for two people to share and marriage is saying, only you for the rest of our lives. Anything outside of that is a moral question, whether both parties participate or not. For many people, it is not "only sex no big deal" because that kind of physical intimacy is a big deal. If it was no big thing then your friends wouldn't still be talking about it. |
do you know people that do this? It sounds like something off Jerry Springer. See you have a strict definition of marriage. I feel marriage is an amorphous body that is custom made for each who take the vows. Marriage says whatever you want it to. Yes it was a big deal in the sense we had a great time, but not a big deal emotionally. There weren't any misguided emotions involved. They were realistic, realized its just a great time with close comfortable friends. TO be blunt, with the other couple....it was aboslutely no emotional threat what so ever to see my wife engaged with my good friend, and vice versa. Why? Because I know damn well that he is WITH his girl for good, and he knows that of my relationship. I am confident that my wife is not lured by any sort of thing like that. In otherwords, we are all safe from each other because we have so much faith and trush in each other. There's respect there beyond (it seems) most folks comprehension. Thats cool. Ultimately I could careless what other people do. To answer the question of sex and friendship, i think its entirely possible. |
knew once would be the operative terms. A girl who went to our church, who was like 20 and just recently moved there, didn't know anyone, didn't have a car to get around in and spent all day watching television with her grandmother. I felt sorry for her and decided to try to be her friend and help her meet new people and get some time outside of her house. Big mistake. Bitch was walking Jerry Springer, with this cute little innocent face behind it. She helped us move once and was left alone with Spunky for about 20 minutes once. No big deal, right? Until she told everyone she was sleeping with him while we unloaded a truck full of stuff in the new place. She would wait until she knew I was at a church function (like a business meeting or something like that) and call Spunky and say things like "we should go to the movies" and he assumed the "we" incorporated all of us and said fine. Then she discovered that "we" wasn't just her and him and got pissed off and forged a letter from him saying he wants to be married to me but have him as his girlfriend on the side, blah, blah, blad. Then she showed it to her parents who went straight to the pastor of the church (who was obsessed with sex in general). He declared that spunky had a some mental sexual disease (supposedly the same thing Clinton had) and it was all my fault because I had so many miscarriages. Asked us to leave the church if spunky didn't go to him for therapy against his sexual disorder and his problems with faith. Of course, Spunky didn't do anything wrong. He simply misunderstood her intentions, but it was hell for a while. We told the pastor of the church to fuck off and stopped doing all of the volunteer work. After we left, about 30% of the church membership left with us. Either way, the whole situation was totally fucked up. It caused problems in the family (not spunky and I but our relatives). We lost the financial support we were getting in his adoption of our oldest daughter (she is from a previous marriage, but he has been her dad since she was a year old), my parents were fighting with my grandmother, a friend of mine from high school kept pressing spunky to admit he had an affair so that he could separate spunky and I and dump his girlfriend and marry me, my mother's twin started assuming that we were sexually open and kept trying to get us to go have a group thing with them (ewww, my mothers twin, how Jerry Springer is that), he ended up losing his job because of bullshit rumors, we lost the house we were buying while it was in escrow, and we were lucky we weren't evicted from the duplex we were staying in. there was one other instance where someone crossed the line trying to get into spunky's pants, but she was just a stupid drug dealer, so the next time she showed up I just called the cops, knowing that they had several warrants out for her arrest, and they hauled her away, no big deal. To answer the question of sex and friendship, although for some it might actually be possible, there is too much risk involved and isn't worth the chance of emotional connection. |
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