They put a fucking tube up my ass. How do you do?: They put a fucking tube up my ass.

By Nate on Thursday, April 1, 1999 - 06:10 pm:

    Yesterday was spent drinking clear liquids, eating nothing but laxatives, and taking bong loads.

    This morning at about 8:25AM west coast time a young nurse named Janis stuck a tube about 8 inches into my rectum. Janis then inflated a small balloon inside my colon. I was then left alone.

    With a tube in my ass.

    Janis returns shortly with a Doctor, who has a name I cannot recall. The machine is turned on, and I watch on the viewscreen as barium (Ranked as one of the most hazardous compounds (worst 10%) to human health,) is pumped into my intestines.

    I am told to roll about (while my evil tail fills me in a most uncomfortable way.) They laugh at me and make jokes. They look at my most private parts.

    The doctor says "Sometimes I feel like a dentist, except I'm poking at the wrong end"

    I reply "If it is an consolation, it is as easy to talk to you with a tube up my ass as it is to talk to my dentist with his fingers in my mouth."

    This is as witty as one gets at 8:30AM. With a tube up your fucking ass.

By Swine on Thursday, April 1, 1999 - 06:17 pm:


    that's nasty.

By Jon on Thursday, April 1, 1999 - 06:31 pm:

    Can I ask *why* they stuck a tube up your ass? Or rather, what were they looking for?

By Nate on Thursday, April 1, 1999 - 06:41 pm:

    it's always something.

    basically, i think they have no idea what the hell is wrong with me. As a result, they send me to the most uncomfortable tests they can think of, in an attempt to get me to just give up and leave them alone.

    alternatively, they were checking me out to install the neural transmitter. I don't know what that has to do with my intestines.

    perhaps, they were looking for tumors.

By Sarah on Thursday, April 1, 1999 - 07:05 pm:

    what are your symptoms? prior to having the tube up your ass, that is.

By R.C. on Friday, April 2, 1999 - 04:02 am:

    Yo, NATE! At your age/barium enemas are a big fuckingdeal. Did they say that you had polyps (which are often prefectly benign)? Or diverticulitis? What was yr diagnosis, man?

    Not to freak you out/but for a 20-something-yr- old to be getting those kinds of tests/the doctor has to have a reason to be looking for something. Do you have any symptoms? Did they do a stool culture & tell you it was positive?

By Jim aka PajamaBoy on Friday, April 2, 1999 - 08:41 am:

    My grandmother had diverticulitis. Ick.

    Nate, Hope all is well! *hugs*

    P.S. Well I hope you get some Ammaretto for when your gay friends come to visit. ;-)

By Nate on Friday, April 2, 1999 - 11:08 am:

    I've had a pain in my spleen area for about three months. Nobody seems to know what it is. I've had all sorts of tests. They think it's one thing, they take some blood. They think it's another thing, i pee in a cup. Then I had a sonogram, which discovered that my spleen is on the large side of normal.

    During all this, the doctor would tell me to wait awhile. First it was 2 weeks. "Wait two weeks and then if it still bothers you, come back." Then it was a month. Then I got the GI series.

    I think that the doctors fear me. They have no clue. They keep trying to get me to leave them alone. Sending me away for periods of time didn't work, so now they're giving me the most uncomfortable tests they can think of in order to get me to give up.

    Personally, I think it is an alien fetus or some other government project. The doctors know this, but cannot tell me.


By Semillama on Friday, April 2, 1999 - 11:53 am:

    If it is a horrible alien monster growing inside you, try and make sure when it pops out and starts killing people, the doctor who probed you is standing next to you.

By Swine on Friday, April 2, 1999 - 12:14 pm:

    if a horrible alien monster rips through your chest, killing you and terrorizing the rest of california, can i have your studio equipment?
    and your computer gear?
    and the contents of your liquor cabinet?

    just trying to help out...

By Nate on Friday, April 2, 1999 - 01:18 pm:

    uh. i guess i'll start writing up that will.

    i was actually planning on leaving a lot of my stuff to the horrible alien monster, but i suppose you could take the studio and computer gear.

    the liquor, however, goes to the horrible alien monster. i'm looking forward to sitting back on my comfy couch in the great beyond and watching a drunk horrible alien monster terrorize california.

    and really, who's going to sell liquor to a newborn, horrible alien monster or not?

By Dave on Friday, April 2, 1999 - 07:18 pm:

    I would die before somebody sticks a tube up my ass. Or I would at least be unconscious. (All you women, as well as you girls, ladies, broads, and chicks: I'm not hearing any of it.)

    Of course I said something similar a while back about learning and using Excel.

    Hmmm. . .

    Nate, good thing you have a sense of humor. My sense of humor would be to scream over and over, "MY GOD!!! GET THAT FUCKING TUBE OUT OF MY ASS!!!"

    BTW, where did you end up squirting all that barium?

By Gee on Saturday, April 3, 1999 - 02:19 am:

    I knew this girl (not me) with a bigsized spleen, and it turned out she (not me) had mono. Of course, the doctor figured that out withOut sticking a tube up her (not me) rearend.

By Dr. Sarah on Saturday, April 3, 1999 - 02:33 pm:

    so your only symptom is that you're having pain where you think your spleen is? that's not very helpful. maybe if you had cramping and diarrhea and vertigo... something more specific... i might be able to suggest something.

    but pain in the spleen area is pretty vague.

    what did they say might reduce an enlarged spleen? prescription drugs or diet change or what?

By Sheila on Saturday, April 3, 1999 - 02:51 pm:

    when the Walker Hound had an enlarged spleen, i treated him (after consulting his doc) by bringing him into the room where the woodstove is, lying on the couch with his head in my lap and watching trash tv for three weeks. we also went for long slow walks up and down the Buckhorn Fire Road, visited with the bitch across the road (Ebony, she's really black), and he got to sleep with me under the covers. i wrapped his pills in bite sized balls of honey roasted ham to go down easily. occasionally, when he began to recover, i would rub his little weenie for him because he likes that a lot.

    and in only three weeks, he was feeling just fine again.

    of course now from time to time he says his spleen hurts read bad and he needs therapy, but unless there are symptoms other than "that face" he stays with the Pathetic Vicodin Girls right outside my (home) office.

    his veterinarian is dr. tommi sue, nate, in case you want to call her.

    and i hope you feel better.

By Dave on Saturday, April 3, 1999 - 04:26 pm:

    Sheila, my spleen hurts. A lot.

    Could you. . .

By Swine on Saturday, April 3, 1999 - 05:03 pm:

    yeah... come to think of it, i think my spleen is a bit on the wack, too...

    wanna play doctor?

By Agatha on Saturday, April 3, 1999 - 11:38 pm:

    you're all sick. you too, sheila.

    dog's weenie rubbing?

By Swine on Sunday, April 4, 1999 - 12:27 pm:

    if dogs could read, sheila would have muts lining up outside her front door for miles.

    if my karma catches up with me and i come back to earth in canine form, i sure as hell wanna be fed and taken care of by a weenie-rubber.

By Jim aka PajamaBoy on Monday, April 5, 1999 - 08:20 am:

    Egad! And I get hollered at for some of the things I say???


By Nate on Monday, April 5, 1999 - 11:29 am:


    they suspect the spleen is a symptom of something greater. i've had blood and urine tests to rule out mono (though perhaps only EB mono, not the other kind, which is rarer. i don't know. i didn't review my tests.) also ruled out, parasites that can be found in blood or urine. my lymph nodes are normal, so it is not cat scratch disesase (which is often accompanied with splenomegley, and i do get scratched often by that bitchwhore cat of mine.) I've also had a sonogram, which determined that my spleen is "on the large side of normal," though the sonogram was right before the week where my spleen stopped bothering me.

    There is the fear that this could be something chronic or really bad. There is the unknowing--i sometimes wish one of these tests would come up positive just so I'd know what the fuck was going on. But the worst part is there is no one around to rub this dog's weenie.

By Sarah on Monday, April 5, 1999 - 09:33 pm:

    well, i have an idea, but you probably won't like it very much.

    i suggest stop smoking pot for a month and stop drinking alcohol. also, make the majority of your diet *organic* fruits and vegetables, preferably raw. go to your local hippie dippie smoothie bar and start taking shots of wheat grass every three days, in addition to spinach/kale/carrot/apple juice freshly made. stay away from wheat products, and just eat small amounts of rice.

    also, go to your food co-op and get Gentian Root, Black Cohosh, and Saw Palmetto Berry, either in pill form or tincture. taking pantothenic acid and a multi-amino acid supplement wouldn't hurt either.

    if that doesn't work, try acupuncture. i mean, how many times can you hear the answer "we don't know" before you're ready to try something else?

    if you don't believe in all this stuff, then maybe you can just suspend your disbelief for one one month and give it a try. just to see what happens. if there's no change, you haven't lost anything. and you might feel better anyway, aside from your spleen and having any number of devices up your ass.

By Jim aka PajamaBoy on Tuesday, April 6, 1999 - 08:13 am:

    Nate with no pot OR booze?

    *PJ will have nightmares for 8 nights*

By Nate on Tuesday, April 6, 1999 - 12:46 pm:


    thanks for the perscription. what exactly do Gentian Root, Black Cohosh, and Saw Palmetto Berry
    do? what's wrong with wheat products? what about chicken? fish?

    it's going to be tough to give up pot with a big jar full of green sitting on my coffee table. maybe when i've killed that.

By Semillama on Tuesday, April 6, 1999 - 03:32 pm:

    Well, Black Cohosh is good for, ahem, "female issues" at least (I don't what else) and Saw Palmetto is primarily used by older men in keeping the size of their prostrates down. I'm certain sarah must be referring to other uses I am unaware of.
    What's the difference between wheat grass and wheat products? I can't remember.

By Dr. swine on Tuesday, April 6, 1999 - 03:42 pm:

    i suggest you drink heavily, practice herbalism regularly, and hope for the best.

By Surgeon generals warning on Tuesday, April 6, 1999 - 03:47 pm:

    cast not your pearls before swine, nor take any advice from the mindless porcine bastards.

By Flamer on Thursday, April 29, 1999 - 11:36 pm:

    First the say don't smoke pot cuz it's addictive and harmful, THEN they so DO smoke pot cuz it realives pain for those with medical needs, and NOW they tell you NOT to smoke it!!! I swear, the contraversy makes my head spin worse then take hits off a 4 foot bong with enough weed to put down an elephant!!!

By Karyn White Jack Bruce Teddy and your pal Trey on Friday, April 30, 1999 - 12:46 am:

    You ARE what is known as a dumbass,


By Dave on Friday, April 30, 1999 - 09:24 pm:

    Uh-oh. . .

    Now you've done it.

By J on Monday, May 3, 1999 - 09:42 am:

    So Nate,it,s been a month now,are you okay?Did they ever find out anything else?How the hell are you doing?

By Nate on Monday, May 3, 1999 - 01:03 pm:

    nobody knows what's going on. still.

    i'm going to stanford medical center may 13th for some academic examination. hopefully i'll end up buttass naked on an operating table in the middle of an auditorium. with luck i will not be under general anesthesia. i might be able to learn something. maybe become a doctor.

By Nate on Monday, May 3, 1999 - 01:10 pm:

    nobody knows what's going on. still.

    i'm going to stanford medical center may 13th for some academic examination. hopefully i'll end up buttass naked on an operating table in the middle of an auditorium. with luck i will not be under general anesthesia. i might be able to learn something. maybe become a doctor.

By R.C. on Tuesday, May 4, 1999 - 02:18 am:

    Make sure they don't forget to take that tube out yr ass this time when they're done. (You never mentioned it being removed in yr previous posts /so I assumed it was still there.

    And keep us updated. I'll say a prayer for our Natorious & his innards.

By Jim aka PajamaBoy on Tuesday, May 4, 1999 - 08:26 am:

    Nate, if the aforementioned happens, to the Sorabjiites get first bids on gallery seating?

    Do you still feel *blah*?

By Nate on Tuesday, May 4, 1999 - 01:40 pm:


By Brian on Tuesday, May 4, 1999 - 04:06 pm:

    my birthday is may 13th.... I'll be 23 if anyone cares. I'll probably be thinking about this now as the people at work put horrible decorations up at my desk.

By Jim aka PajamaBoy on Tuesday, May 4, 1999 - 04:43 pm:

    Thankfully, Brian, where I work now, birthday celebrations are VERY low key. No decorations at all. A cake in mid-afternoon and that's it! And, the BEST part is, that after May 18th there are NO MORE birthdays until December.

    Oh, and Nate... Are you on any kind of meds? Just curious. Or is hemp your cure-all?

By Liz on Wednesday, May 5, 1999 - 12:07 pm:

    Nate - have they checked you for Krone's Disease? That's what my sister had and they were ready to remove her gall bladder thinking that was the problem. When they opened her up they saw her intestines were a mess and that was the problem. 8 pills a day later she's A-OK. Are you noticing the pain at any specific times - like when you eat certain things etc.? Think about what occurs in the 12-14 hours preceeding your pain. That is if you have painful attacks rather than constant pain. I've been to accupuncture before which I give very high marks to for foot pain that persisted a year and no one could tell me what it was at Dr. Ville. Western medicine is not half so good as the Chinese as far as I'm concerned. Worth a shot and not expensive.

By J on Friday, May 7, 1999 - 04:06 pm:

    Sounds scarey to me and your operation sounds scarey too.I say forget about being a doctor and have them put you out.I had a herniated disc taken out of my back and I can,t imagine being aware when having sugery,no I won,t imagine that. You will get some killer pain pills that will put you in la-la land, and you will like being there.If you go the other way and do become a doctor,I have been told I need a lobotomy,where can we go with this?It might be a little strange since you are a man,but when life throws me lemons,I put them in my bra.

By on Friday, May 7, 1999 - 05:25 pm:

    you do need a lobotomy

By Wisper on Saturday, May 8, 1999 - 04:40 am:

    he never did tell us what happened to the barium.

    **GET WELL SOON!**

By Dave on Saturday, May 8, 1999 - 12:16 pm:

    I just had another session of extreme pain in the appendix area. This is the third time in a year. It felt like I'd been kicked hard. I go to the doctor on Wednesday. That's a full week after the 'attack' or whatever you'd call it. Stupid HMO. I feel fine now and will most likely have no symptoms by the time of my appointment. One thing's for sure, I'll be skipping the 'tube up my ass' part of the exam. Ain't no way.

By Margret on Sunday, May 9, 1999 - 03:06 am:

    Dave, maybe you have ovaries. That's what it feels like when a cyst explodes. Alternately, that's also what gallstone attacks are like. Avoid friend foods and cabbage, especially avoid fried fish.

By Spiracle on Sunday, May 9, 1999 - 11:37 am:

    exploding cysts?

By Dave on Sunday, May 9, 1999 - 05:27 pm:

    I'm sure it's nothing. Probably a tumor or gangrene or something. My ovaries are in good shape, I doubt that's it.

By R.C. on Sunday, May 9, 1999 - 06:42 pm:

    Dave -- when you get an attack of appendicitis GO TO THE E.R.! DO NOT wait for a doctor's appt. -- just go to the hospital! If yr appendix bursts/the toxins it releases can be fatal. (The reason it becomes inflamed is becuz it gets infected). The E.R. doctor will be able to run some tests & tell you whether it's appendicitis or something less severe. If it is/they'll prep you for surgery & remove the thing before it explodes. If it's something less dangerous/at least you won't have run the risk of dying while you wait for a damn HMO appt.

    Don't fuck around -- any county or public hospital has to take all E.R. cases/insured or not. So if the pain hits again/just GO to the E.R.!

    (But generally speaking/appendicitis isn't something that comes-&-goes. When it's infected/it usually swells up until it bursts -- & the pain doesn't subside. So it might be something else that's wrong.)

By Agatha on Sunday, May 9, 1999 - 08:21 pm:

    i've been telling him that for two weeks, rc. this is a very stubborn man you are dealing with.

By Swine on Sunday, May 9, 1999 - 08:28 pm:

    i still know where you can buy cattleprods for cheap if you ever change your mind...

By R.C. on Sunday, May 9, 1999 - 08:44 pm:

    Years ago/I had a boyfriend who suffered a burst appendix. He was reluctant to go to the hospital becuz he'd just moved back to NY from TX & didn't have any health ins. But he'd been doubled-over/bitching abt the pain for almost 2 days. And I was MOST unsympathetic: "Look -- either go to the hopsital or STOP WHINING! Before I slice you open just to shut you up!" P.S. I ended up driving him to the E.R. His appendix burst just as they were opening up his abdomen. The surgeon told him he cdn't believe anyone had survived that kind of pain for 2 whole days. To which I politely quipped: "Well, his mother says she was in labor with him for nearly 36 hrs. With NO anaesthesia. And she got thru it w/out bitching & moaning."

    It took 6 days of i.v. antibiotic therapy to clear the infection from his system. The hospital bill was over $20k. But he somehow managed to sign up retroactively for Medicaid & they paid part of it.

    (All the nurses hated him -- said he was the most annoying/demanding patient they'd ever cared for. They all warned me not to marry him. Which I didn't/but not for that reason.)

    So Dave -- if the pain flares up again/DON'T FUCK AROUND -- GO TO THE HOSPITAL! A burst appendix leads to a raging infection/ which is often fatal. Or the wrath of Agatha/ which will DEFINITELY be fatal.

By Dave on Sunday, May 9, 1999 - 10:23 pm:

    I can take care of agatha.

By Agatha on Monday, May 10, 1999 - 12:21 pm:

    in your dreams, dave. taking care of agatha is much like controlling the path of a tornado.

By Nate on Monday, May 10, 1999 - 12:44 pm:

    dave dreams about controlling freak weather? what?

By Semillama on Monday, May 10, 1999 - 03:01 pm:

    A friend of mine just had his appendix removed. It was the size of a watermelon when they took it out.

By . on Monday, May 10, 1999 - 03:28 pm:


By Margret on Monday, May 10, 1999 - 04:54 pm:

    You know what happens? This is so cool! Ok, so you get these little things called "fecaliths" (literally shit stones, isn't that cool?) that block the little canyon into and out of your appendix. Bacteria builds up, and the thing starts to boil. BUT a layer of tissue may surround it, so that it bursts into sort of the equivalent of a bacteria envelope. But the envelope doesn't hold, see? And then you get bacteria spraying through your peritoneal cavity, adhering to tissue and breeding like NUTS. And your abdomen becomes very rigid, a classic "washboard" presentation. It's so cool. And if you don't get it treated, you totally DIE, no questions, no negotiation. So, Dave, though I am dubious about this diagnosis, I am thinking: it doesn't really fucking hurt to make sure it's not that, y'know? I am still holding on to the gallstones theory. Yep, it's gallstones.
    These are not fatal, but are incredibly fucking painful.
    Oh, a test for appendicitis: when you have the pain, depress a point two thirds of the way along an imaginary line from your belly button to the crest of your hipbone. Ok, is it especially tender? Did you feel pain after the release of the presssure on the other side of your belly button? Appendix is on right side, if you press on left side 2/3 way to hip from belly button, do you get acute tenderness of right side?

By J on Friday, May 12, 2000 - 06:47 pm:

    My memory is so bad that I got the date of my husbands colonoscopy.Starting on May 4th,he had to quit taking asprins.On Wed. May 17th he has to follow a clear liguid diet,no red or green jello,he has to drink lots of water,then at 4p.m. he gets to drink 1 1/2 ounces of Phospho-soda mixed with 4 oz.water.At 8p.m.2 Dulcolax Tablets.10 p.m 1 1/2 ounces Phospho-soda mixed with 4 oz. of water.Then the poor guy gets to give himself a fleet enema.After midnight no water.Then he has to show up at the hospital at 8 a.m. on Thur. May 18th.This is like his third one.

By semillama on Friday, May 12, 2000 - 08:11 pm:

    On May 17th, I turn 28. I may treat myself by going to the rib place in LaCrosse, or I might be a good boy and go somewhere healthier.

    I got my birthday present from my parents today. It's a full-on Brunton Pocket transit, which is the most kick ass accurate hand compass in the world. What a great thing to get an archaeologist. I can't wait to use it.

    I may buy myself a portable cd player with the car radio attachment thing. I may not.

By J on Friday, May 12, 2000 - 08:39 pm:

    Has anyone ever had dry ribs?Cooked in spices instead of bar-b-que sauce,those are so yummy.So Sem are you a taurus?

By on Saturday, May 13, 2000 - 10:03 am:

    so Sem-archaeologist? student or teacher? pursurer or learner? what do you do? i've always fancied myself to aspire to be that at one time or another. so what's it like? where do you live? where do you go? what do you see? very interesting. J-Sem must be a Virgo, but I could be wrong.

By semillama on Saturday, May 13, 2000 - 01:49 pm:

    I work in cultural resource management, currently as a postgraduate intern funded by the DOE, working for the USARC. In a couple years, I will probably go back to school for a doctorate, then if I can find a job, teach. This largely depends on how badly in debt I am in a couple years, and if my current losing streak with women keeps up. (i'll definitely have to get back in a college atmosphere, if only to attempt to meet intelligent women.) I may stay in CRM. I plan on trying to find work on one of the coasts, preferably in or near a good sized city and most preferably near friends, both sorabji and people I know from the non-internet realm.

    Astrology is a parlour game, but for your information, I am a taurus. I just said my birthday was next week, how could I be a virgo? I prefer the chinses version, whcih says I am a Rat. or one version of Native American earth astrology, which says that I am a Beaver.

    My favorite astrologer is the one from the Onion.

By Bronco betty on Thursday, February 1, 2001 - 12:09 am:

    nate, how's your spleen?

By Cat on Thursday, February 1, 2001 - 02:41 am:

    Oh THAT Nate died when the alien creature inside him finally burst free. The Nate that's posting now is actually the alien, but we like him better than the original host anyways.

By semillama on Thursday, February 1, 2001 - 09:36 am:

    He has a nicer ass.

    Plus he's addicted us to his vile excretions.

By Bronco betty on Thursday, February 1, 2001 - 09:55 am:

    OK, just checking. i thought he might need his little weenie rubbed. never mind.

By Nate on Thursday, February 1, 2001 - 01:10 pm:

    that's funny. i don't recall going to stanford medical center, and the spleen isn't bothering me anymore.

    another funny thing, i've largely taken Sarah's dietary advice. unintentionally. over time.

    i think it was my diet. too many cheese steaks followed by 12 pack nights.

By Bronco betty on Thursday, February 1, 2001 - 01:44 pm:

    and not enough weenie rubbing, most likely.

By Trace on Thursday, February 1, 2001 - 01:52 pm:

    You can never get enough weenie rubbing

By Dougie on Thursday, February 1, 2001 - 02:00 pm:

    Depends what it's rubbed with. A terrycloth towel?

By patrick on Thursday, February 1, 2001 - 02:03 pm:

    i was gonna say...i recall chaffing myself in my more virile teen days.

By Trace on Thursday, February 1, 2001 - 02:12 pm:

    Is that terrycloth wet?

By Nate on Thursday, February 1, 2001 - 03:17 pm:

    steel wool.

    (as opposed to stolen wool, which turns out to be a good lay.)

By Trace on Thursday, February 1, 2001 - 03:20 pm:

    Nate, Here's hoping you use iron condoms

By Nate on Thursday, February 1, 2001 - 03:37 pm:

    ah fuck condoms.


By patrick on Thursday, February 1, 2001 - 03:51 pm:

    i'll drink to that

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