I DON'T KNOW!!!!!!

sorabji.com: Why did you do it?: I DON'T KNOW!!!!!!

By me on Tuesday, November 5, 2002 - 09:40 am:

    I did something REALLY STUPID.
    Halloween, I stopped at a gas station on the way home and bought a coke and cigs and then a mag caught my eye. Among other magazines with ugly, used whores on the front, there was one with a youngish appearing female. I just grabbed it, paid for it, and took it home.
    I immediately put it in a drawer as soon as I got in the house. As the evening wore on, with the activities that Halloween entails, plus commitments to help a friend move out that night, I forgot all about it.
    Well, last night I was sitting down watching TV and our littlest one got into the drawer, found it and handed it to mommy.
    I thought I was going to have to sleep on the couch.

    I really do not know what possesed me to buy it, but what really suprised me was my wife's reaction.
    She, understandably, thought I was hiding it from her. I tried to explain that that was not the case, I just put it there because there were lots of kids running around the house that night, and I forgot all about it.
    She asked me why I bought it in the first place, and I still don't know why I did. For no reason what-so-ever. She was afraid that I was comparing her to the girls in the magazine. No, that sure was not the case. In my mind, she is real, they are not. They are just pictures in a magazine, and she is the most beautiful creature I have ever laid eyes on....
    She is still hurt....
    I am sure you know who we are, but out of respect for my wife, I am keeping names out of this

By J on Tuesday, November 5, 2002 - 09:58 am:

    Was this a playboy or was it hardcore porn?

By me on Tuesday, November 5, 2002 - 10:07 am:

    it turned out to be hard core.
    I never even really looked inside it, she was the first one to do that.

By Nigel Mason on Tuesday, November 5, 2002 - 10:24 am:

    "For no reason what-so-ever."

    Everyone has a reason for buying porn, even if it's just simple curiosity. I'm not being judgemental, just suggesting that you might want to think about why you had a sudden impulse to buy it.

By Spider on Tuesday, November 5, 2002 - 10:47 am:

    Right -- the motivation is pretty basic. Wanting to look at something like that doesn't mean you're sick or perverted. The important thing is that you get rid of the magazine if your wife is that upset, and hope and pray that your daughter didn't look through it before handing it to her mother.

By me on Tuesday, November 5, 2002 - 11:04 am:

    it is already in the dumpter. as well as the maxim mag she knew about and I shared with her...
    i dont think the little one noticed what it was..
    I hope

By patrick on Tuesday, November 5, 2002 - 12:18 pm:


    you do know what motivated you to buy it. the same thing that motivates all guys in similar manners.

    the child will recover from seeing naked people. just about every single one of us has a story like that to tell. our sexualization begins somewhere. i wouldnt worry. im sure she's just fine about the matter.

    "and hope and pray that your daughter didn't look through it before handing it to her mother."

    please spider. there's no need to be repressive about it.

    Whats just as troubling is that it seems the insecurities of your mate are dictating the terms of your sexuality. Feeling threatened by the pages of a magazine is highly irrational. Men don't compare. I've never looked at porn and thought "if only she could be like...." EVER! Have you? No. I just dont think thats a realistic anecdote to the equation. Thats female borne notion. There is a fine distinction between fantasy and reality. You, like most men are fully aware of this line. She needs to understand this.

    Based on similar conversations about this subject in the past, I would say your psuedo-innocent purchase, combined with the irrational, insecure reaction by the wife and your immediate disposal is a recipe for an unhealthy situation. People aren't being honest and all the wrong emotions are dictating the terms. Secrecy on your part and insecurity on hers.

    You two should go to the porn shop together....it could be fun and cut some of the tension.

By Spider on Tuesday, November 5, 2002 - 12:48 pm:

    Repressive? Whatever, Patrick. When your daughter's seven, let me know how you feel about her looking at hard-core pornography.

By patrick on Tuesday, November 5, 2002 - 12:52 pm:

    his "littlest one" is like 3 right?

    not 7 spider.

    and if my 7 year old has seen hardcore pornography, i would be honest with them and not make a taboo out of it. its not a big deal. it is what you make it.

    the fact that the girl took it to her mommy demonstrates an overlooked brightness on the childs part to handle the situation.

By J on Tuesday, November 5, 2002 - 01:33 pm:

By me on Tuesday, November 5, 2002 - 02:29 pm:

    we have not overlooked her brightness, i beleive we have talked about it before....

By patrick on Tuesday, November 5, 2002 - 02:47 pm:

    ok. that was mainly directed at spider, moreso than you spunk.

By me on Tuesday, November 5, 2002 - 03:03 pm:


    we will not teach our daughters that sex is bad or nasty or anything like that, we will not teach them to fear it.

    we will encourage them to wait until marriage, and that a virtue of a good marriage is a monogamous one.

    or at least instill an "underwear rule"...

By wisper on Tuesday, November 5, 2002 - 03:51 pm:

    isn't it possible to be monogamous without marriage?

    aw, nevermind.
    i imagine the world would indeed be a better place if more people kept it in their pants a bit longer.

    i'm gonna encourage patrick to step back on this one. i don't have an all-encompassing *answer* (guys like naked chicks. I don't know why) but eri's (OOPS! i mean, 'the wifes') reasons for not wanting porn around aren't the problem. Body image- shmody image, if it upsets her that much, get the porn out. Not all wives can understand the crazy nature of their mate's sex drives. This means some of them can never have porn around.

    I'm not saying i hate porn. Quite the opposite. But some people do. Some will never be okay with it. I respect that.

By semillama on Tuesday, November 5, 2002 - 03:53 pm:

    I myself will be handing condoms to my kids
    at puberty. And mace to any daughters.

    And encourage them only to mace those who
    really deserve it.

By me on Tuesday, November 5, 2002 - 04:04 pm:

    I was not trying to start a debate, nor air dirty laundry. I wanted comments, thoughts and feedback.
    And those that have given any, I sincerely appreciate it.
    all of you, thanks.
    I was totaly taken by suprise by her recation last night. i needed to know if I had done something taboo, or if I was a perv or what...
    in the 6+ years of marriage there have been exactly 3 mags in the house, this was the first i purchased, the other two were given to us.

By Spider on Tuesday, November 5, 2002 - 04:14 pm:

    No, you're not a perv, but like Wisper and I said, what matters is your wife's reaction, not some objective "hey, well, she SHOULD be cool with it, so she's the one who should change!" attitude. If she's not cool with it, that's all there is to it. And if she did something that you were really upset about, well, that would be all there was to it, too.

    If I were married, my #1 rule would be, never deliberately do anything that will hurt your spouse.

    Hey, and if you want to be able to do something that your spouse doesn't like, talk and talk and talk about it. But don't do it first, and then talk. That ain't good.

    But I don't mean to imply that *you're* not good, "Me." Okay?

By me on Tuesday, November 5, 2002 - 04:18 pm:

    i threw it away last night, and i already promised not to buy anymore. her self esteem i think was the main casualty. or at least victim.
    i think she was getting confidence back when patrick and nate and her were talking about the pictures, and i was even considering springing for some to be done this january for our 7th anniversary, but now I don't know if I should or not.

By Nate on Tuesday, November 5, 2002 - 10:17 pm:

    i hope she never looks at your web cache.

    you perv.

By patrick on Wednesday, November 6, 2002 - 12:10 pm:

    spider, i vaguely recall the general situation between your parents that you mentioned recently. Your dad and his porn, terribly frustrated, your mom feeling more and more alienated....help me out here.

    i think cowtowing the wife's insecurities could possibly lead to a similar situation. That is not to say you should not consider them when making decisions, but there comes a point when someone should take responsibility for their own insecurities. For example, I may feel an inkling of jealousy in any given situation, but thats not license to act on it. Nor should my spouse be forced to modify her friendly and flirtatious behavior because of my insecurity.

    A consistantly disapointed and sexually frustrated man, with an increasingly insecure woman who feels less and less inclined, for whatever reason, to address her mate's frustration and vice versa is a bad situation. its a vicious circle that can spiral out of control. this is not something you can let fester.

    the point of my reply was not that you should keep the porn regardless of your mate, but rather there is something else there, underneath.

    Cowtowing her insecurities, while repressing himself is absolutely no solution.

    I don't think 'me' did anything deliberately to hurt his spouse here.

    and wisper:
    "Not all wives can understand the crazy nature of their mate's sex drives."

    not all husbands can understand the insane nature of women's general insecurities, but neither of these points get us anywhere do they?

    bottom line, like spider said, you gotta talk about this shit otherwise it festers and next thing you know, people are doing all sorts of things they will regret.

    oh and spunk, you should know better than to keep your porn with in arms reach of the kiddies.

By Spider on Wednesday, November 6, 2002 - 12:47 pm:

    1. The alienation lead to the pornography addiction, which increased the alienation. Both parties are at fault.

    2. "i think cowtowing the wife's insecurities could possibly lead to a similar situation. That is not to say you should not consider them when making decisions, but there comes a point when someone should take responsibility for their own insecurities."

    Well, yeah, that's why you talk about it. You have to find out if it's insecurity or something more inflexible, like a moral decision.

    Anyway, I think if you think of it as "kowtowing to your spouse's insecurities," that's a jerkish attitude to have. What about respecting insecurities? But that's why you talk, again. Because some things can (should?) be worked through, and some things are barriers that should not be crossed ("should," as defined by the two people involved).

    For example, if my husband wanted me to wear a blonde wig and pretend to be a French maid, I'd probably say "no" at first, because I'd feel like a goofball. But my "no" is coming from an insecurity, and I could probably be talked into saying yes. But if my husband wanted to watch me have sex with another man, I would say "no" and that would be the end of the story, because I think that's wrong for several reasons, and I can't be talked into thinking that's okay. So my husband should either accept that it's not going to happen, or divorce me and marry someone who will do it. (And he should have brought this up before the wedding, so I could say no before our committment to each other was made.)

    But you know, you need to respect each other's limits, regardless of their motivation. You shouldn't try to change anyone.

By patrick on Wednesday, November 6, 2002 - 01:27 pm:

    no one is asking anyone to change here.

By me me me me on Wednesday, November 6, 2002 - 01:57 pm:

    thanks again for the input

By patrick on Wednesday, November 6, 2002 - 04:49 pm:

    oh and you know,its been in the back of my mind, but i was thinking...more so than the porn....she's justified in kicking your ass for bringing this public.

    go easy on him mrs me. he means well.

By Nate on Wednesday, November 6, 2002 - 10:31 pm:


By wisper on Thursday, November 7, 2002 - 03:45 pm:

    "not all wives can understand...."
    "Not all husbands can understand..."

    yeah, i know. Obviously.

    all i'm saying is
    step 1) porn out
    step 2) deal with it any way you want. Talk, therapy, etc. Whatever. But curbing whatever makes the person upset is the first thing to do.

    And i too am worried about if eri is going to kill him for bringing this up.


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