Get my family to talk to each other What have you failed to do?: Get my family to talk to each other

By NZAngel on Monday, January 11, 1999 - 02:25 am:

    about a memorial for my little sister.

    In less than four weeks it will be a year since she died. I have her ashes in my living room, but I would dearly love to bury them in a local cemetary and erect some sort of memorial for her. I had hoped that the anniversary of her death would be the day we could unveil her memorial, but my family are too fragmented to talk to each other about anything, let alone something as personal and difficult as this.

    Half the family have avoided the issue for the past eleven months - every time I try and talk to them about it they just say it's too hard to think about, and change the subject. I have let them know how important this is to me, but they can't deal with the emotions they have suppressed for the past eleven months. My step father and step brother are afraid to even think about it, in case they just lose it and everything they have worked for in their lives. My elder sister is with me, keen to sort it out, and thinking along much the same lines that I do, about what we should do and where. My little brother avoids the issue entirely, and my other step brother is able to talk with me and his brothers and father, but doesn't have the same desire to do something that I do.

    My mother doesn't talk to my step father at all.

    Add to that, the fact that we are spread around the country and the world, it just makes it easier not to talk if you don't want to.

    After my grandmother died, I began to have some hope that we could start talking and sort this out. Mum, my brother, my sister and I agreed to try and have something agreed in time to have an unveiling next month. Now everyone is trying to push that target out, but no-one is willing to say for how long. I don't even know if we will all get together on the day.

    I don't think I can wait for another year.

By Xena on Monday, January 11, 1999 - 12:37 pm:

    Angel - You have the ashes. You do what will make you feel better. Doing it a year after her death is a wonderful idea. You will have to plan this all on your own, or with your sister who also wants closure. Tell the others they can come along and where to be. Hopefully they will come, but if not you and your sister will be there and that will be good. It's hard to deal w/ others greif. Everyone has different ways of processing pain. Other members of your family will have different ways of dealing than you do maybe. But do something for yourself on that day, and for your sister who has passed on.

    Peace to you

By MoonUnit on Monday, January 11, 1999 - 09:32 pm:

    It's hard to lose someone and when that someone is a member of your family it must be a million times worse.

    I 'm with Xena on this one. Let everyore know what you're gonna do but leave it up to them to come.... I couldn't make it to Darcy's unveiling (would you believe my boyfriend got chicken pox at the ripe of age of 24! and I had to take care of him!!) but I know anytime I'm in Nelson I can visit his grave and his family, and most importantly hes in my heart. Some people (males mostly *G*) find it hard to deal with, especially if they are older and have that attitufe of ignoring it makes it go away. (Is that a kiwi thing or worldwide I wonder)?

    Anyway once there is a place for your sister to rest the males in your family might feel they can visit her and grieve without anyone seeing.


By Moon on Monday, January 11, 1999 - 09:35 pm:

    attitufe would be attitude in a world where I could spell *l*

By NZAngel on Monday, January 18, 1999 - 02:31 am:

    Thank you for your support, and I would dearly love to just do my own thing, but I know how upset my little brother got when we first started talking about this, not just because it's hard to talk about, but because he felt his big sisters were once again taking over and running the show without any input from him.

    However, he has been in Veitnam since just after xmas, and has had some good talks with Mum about it. I think he is definately coming around to my way of thinking, now that he is thinking about it.

    I also feel that this is a very final act, burying her ashes, and I would like everyone invovled to have a say.

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