nothing.... well... if you must know... What have you failed to do?: nothing.... well... if you must know...

By Bell_jar on Friday, September 22, 2000 - 08:53 pm:

    i failed to do my own work. and find a poem on my own.

    will people so kindly post some silly poems that make them happy. i don't want it to be too long.
    i want to give a nice, silly, sweet poem to this lady i work with on monday. she is awfully sad on mondays and i want to make her feel better.

By Patrick Barrington on Saturday, September 23, 2000 - 01:12 am:

    -I Had a Duck-billed Platypus-

    I had a duck-billed platypus when I was up at Trinity,
    With whom I soon discovered a remarkable affinity.
    He used to live in lodgings with myself and Arthur Purvis,
    And we all went up together for the Diplomatic Service.
    I had a certain confidence, I own, in his ability,
    He mastered all the subjects with remarkable facility;
    And Purvis, though more dubious, agreed that he was clever,
    But no one else imagined he had any chance whatever.

    I failed to pass he interview, The Board with wry grimaces
    Took exception to my boots and then objected to my braces,
    And Purvis too was failed by an intolerant examiner
    Who said he had his doubts as to his sock-suspenders' stamina.
    Our summery rejection, though we took it with urbanity,
    Was naturally wounding in some measure to our vanity.
    The bitterness of failure was considerably molified,
    However, by the ease with which our platypus had qualified.

    The wisdom of the choice, it soon appeared, was undeniable;
    There never was a diplomat more throughly reliable.
    The creature never acted with undue precipitation O,
    But gave to every question his mature consideration O.
    He never made rash statements his enemies might hold him to,
    He never stated anything, for no one ever told him to,
    And soon he was appointed, so correct was his behaviour,
    Our Minister (without Portfolio) to Trans-Moravia.

    My friend was loved and honoured from the Andes to Esthonia,
    He soon achieved a pact between Peru and Patagonia,
    He never vexed the Russians nor offended the Rumanians,
    He pacified the Letts and yet appeased the Lithuanians,
    Won approval from his masters down in Downing Street so wholly, O,
    He was soon to be rewarded with the grant of a Portfolio,
    When, on the Anniversary of Greek Emancipation,
    Alas! He laid an egg in the Bulgarian Legation.

    This untoward occurrence caused unheard-of repercussions,
    Giving rise to epidemics of sword-clanking in the Prussians.
    The Poles began to threaten, and the Finns began to flap at him,
    Directing all the blame for this unfortunate mishap at him;
    While the Sweds withdrew entirely from the Anglo-Saxon dailies
    The right of photographing the Aurora Borealis,
    And, all efforts at rapprochment in the meantime proving barren,
    The Japanese in self-defense annexed the Isle of Arran.

    My platypus, once thought to be more cautious and more tentative
    Than any other living diplomatic representative,
    Was now a sort of warning to all diplomatic students
    Of the risk attached to negligence, the perils of imprudence.
    Beset and persecuted by the forces of reaction O,
    He reaped the consequences of his ill-considered action O;
    And, branded in the Honours List as 'Platypus, Dame Vera',
    Retired, a lonely figure, to lay eggs at Bordighera.

By Archee the Fuzzpaw on Saturday, September 23, 2000 - 01:16 am:

    -Windy Wind-

    The wind can be calm,
    Yet sometimes it blows.
    Through the hair on my head,
    And the hair up my nose.


    My feet are so good,
    My feet are so fine.
    I know you want to sniff them,
    but you can't, 'cause THEY'RE MINE!

By W. H. Auden on Saturday, September 23, 2000 - 01:21 am:

    You're a long way off becoming a saint
    So long as you suffer from any complaint;
    But, if you don't, there's no denying
    The chances are that you're not trying.

By David Lee on Saturday, September 23, 2000 - 01:28 am:

    I know this is Really long, but I think it's a hoot and a half.


    Ugliest man in town
    was Raphael Martinez
    he's kin to them Martinezes
    I never told you about
    had them triplet boys
    2 borned hooked together on one leg
    and this sister
    that grown a extra tit
    right abover her hip they sed
    but they never cut them apart
    borned dead
    so they took the 2
    and put them in a museum
    in a jar where you
    can go see them
    looking at you through the alcohol
    he wasn't born that way
    herded sheep up above sawmill road
    this one morning he woke up
    wished he hadn't of
    couldn't stand up the pain was so bad
    he known he couldn't live with it
    and it was too far to town
    like a weasel inside him
    chewing he said
    he found his pistol
    put it in his mouth and pulled
    bullet torn out his cheekbone
    shot off half his ear
    never hit no brains at all
    and that was the only bullet left
    he couldn't get to the rifle
    so after he waited to die
    and finally didn't
    taken his knife
    cut his throat but didn't hit a vein
    stabbed hisself but the blade
    was turned wrong
    on a rib and bounced off
    stabbed hisself higher
    and harder
    hit his collarbone so it broke
    the knifeblade off
    part of it stuck in the bone
    he thrown hisself in the fire
    sed that hurt to bad to stay
    it was coals from last night
    melted his face on one part
    burnt off the hair on that side
    where it never did grown back
    closed up one eye
    carterized his neck
    where he cut it so it almost stopped bleeding
    sed he could hear hisself frying
    for somebody's breakfast
    but he had to roll out
    couldn't stand it no more
    found a shoeing hammer
    took and hit hisself
    hard as he could
    between the eyes
    with both hands on the handle
    knocked him out so hard
    he should of starved to death
    before he woke up
    but didn't
    had a lump the size
    of a ostrich egg growing on his face
    so he had one more idea
    tied a pigging rope on his feet
    drug hisself to this mule he had
    a mean kicking bastard
    crawlt up on his back
    and tied his hands to his feet
    under that mule's belly
    sed he never known how that mule
    let him get on he's hollering so
    of the pain when he moved
    that mule hated being loaded
    and he'd even untied him first
    he could of run off or kicked him
    in the mouth there on his knees
    he figgered that mule
    would at least thrown him off
    over his butt and kick loose
    cave mebbe the rest of his head in
    mule turnt and went to town
    got him there by afternoon
    passed out
    people who found him was scairt to death
    seen that one side
    didn't have no face left
    blood all over that mule
    like he'd been swatting flies on him
    with a icepick
    the took him to the hospital
    couldn't figure out what was wrong
    saw all them holes in him
    burnt off spots
    blood everwhere
    when they went
    to lay him out straight he'd scream
    like hell and they couldn't understand
    a word of it
    the only English he's speaking
    was Spanish
    couldn't wake him up enough
    to shift his gear
    tried to patch him up
    best they could
    without it costing much
    they known it wasn't no insurance
    nobody wanted the mule
    that night they sed
    he set up hollering like a sonofabitch
    grapt his privates like
    he'd pull it off
    they taken and given him a shot
    by next morning
    he passed as big as then end of your thumb
    this kidney stone
    sed it turnt his gentile inside out
    never seen one that big before
    he bored a hole in it
    worn it for a necklace
    I seen it many a time
    my god he's ugly
    about half a face
    with the eye shut on that side
    half a ear
    throat cut scar and his arms
    blistered from his elbows to hands
    where he lain in that fire
    dent between his eyes
    and a big white spot
    where his cheekbone used to be
    before the bullet come out
    wasn't a kid in town
    who'd say on the same side of the street
    as he's walking on
    never bothered him a bit
    he's happy as a goose
    and about that many brains left
    so about a year before he died
    he come in to the doctor again
    all wadded up in a bunch
    he kinfolk brought him
    give him the examination
    and the x-ray by then
    doctor sez I got bad news for you
    sed his face went as white
    as a Nazarine preacher or a highway patrol
    doctor sez you got the cancer
    Ralph Martinez almost fell off the chair
    started laughing and bawling
    did the cross thing
    sed oh thank god goddam thank god
    I's afraid it'd be the kidney stone again
    he's so happy they sed
    it almost looked like that face
    would of busted like a balloon
    sed he wasn't afraid of no cancer
    or dying cause he been there before
    but with the kidney stone
    it wasn't no way he could find out
    how to not be there when it happened
    and that's just too ugly
    for him to have to think about

By Shel Silverstein on Sunday, September 24, 2000 - 05:06 am:

    Hard To Please
    (To be said in one breath)

    Elaine gives me a pain,
    Gill makes me ill,
    Winnie's a ninny,
    Orin is borin'
    Milly is silly,
    Rosy is nosy,
    Junie is loony
    Gussie is fussy,
    Jackie is wacky,
    Tommy is balmy,
    Mary is scary,
    Tammy is clammy,
    Abby is crabby,
    Patt is batty,
    Mazie is lazy,
    Tiny is whiney,
    Missy is prissy,
    Nicky is picky,
    And almost everyone
    Makes me sicky.
    Needles and Pins

    Needles and pins,
    Needles and pins,
    Sew me a sail
    To catch me the wind.
    Sew me a sail
    Strong as the gale,
    Carpenter, bring out your
    Hammers and nails.

    Hammers and nails,
    Hammers and nails,
    Build me a boat
    To go chasing the whales.

    Chasing the whales,
    Sailing the blue
    Find me a captain
    And sign me a crew.

    Captain and crew,
    Captain and crew,
    Take me, oh take me
    To anywhere new.

    Sandra's seen a leprechaun,
    Eddie touched a troll,
    Laurie danced with witches once,
    Charlie found some goblins' gold.
    Donald heard a mermaid sing,
    Susy spied an elf,
    But all the magic I have known
    I've had to make myself.

    I have nothing to put in my stew, you see,
    Not a bone or a bean or a black-eyed pea,
    So I'll just climb in the pot to see
    If I can make a stew out of me.
    I'll put in some pepper and salt and I'll sit
    In the bubbling water--I won't scream a bit.
    I'll sing while I simmer, I'll smile while I'm stewing,
    I'll taste myself often to see how I'm doing.
    I'll stir me around with this big wooden spoon
    And serve myself up at a quarter to noon.
    So bring out your stew bowls,
    You gobblers and snackers.
    Farewell--and I hope you enjoy me with crackers!

By Talya Palmer on Thursday, December 16, 2004 - 09:11 am:

    these poems are wack boring silly and dumb!

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