Piece of Me...

sorabji.com: Is it art?: Piece of Me...

By Strange on Wednesday, August 19, 1998 - 01:02 am:

    I now humbly submit a couple pieces of my poetry, one free form and one lyric. Critisism, praise, indifference; all I ask is for your opinions.

    The first is simply ramblings of a three AM escapade, and thus:

    Bit by bit
    Twist by twist
    Tied in knots
    Like tangled hair
    After the fact
    One must cut the threads
    To maintain order
    And comfort
    One must cut the threads

    Inch by inch
    Slowly forward
    My heart goes out
    To the world

    Reluctantly, relentlessly, forboding, wise
    I find odd confusion within me
    A confusion of emotion and need
    For that wich keeps me enchanted
    For that wich we call true love

    Two handed handshake
    Two fisted grin
    Everyone behind their own backs
    Slanderous treacherous
    Treasanous fools
    Waiting to betray themselves
    I'll have no part
    With a steady hello
    I will not become involved
    These horrible mongers
    Can destroy themselves
    I'll not be who must take blame

    She stole my heart!
    It must be a crime to humanity
    For she stole my heart!
    I blame her I blame both her and I
    For she stole my heart!
    And I have not been the same ever since
    -for she stole my heart…
    -it's a crime to humanity
    -for she stole my heart…
    -(and) made me love…

    And the second is one of the only decent piece of lyrics I've written. It's not all good but I tried. Here we go:


    What is love
    But a dagger stuck inside me
    That hurts me so constantly
    It is called love

    Love is just another word for pain
    I need to get away from it
    But when I stand out in the rain
    I can't help but think of it
    And love is only sorrow disguised as happy times
    And I know that love will kill me in the end
    I never understood it never in my life
    The closest I could really get was 'friend'

    I remember once I loved someone
    It only brought me close to suicide
    I still feel it burning deep inside me
    The really is no place to hide

    She didn't love me
    She never loved me
    She does not love me
    (And) it destroys me

    I still love her so much
    I'd kill for her
    Be killed for her
    She doesn't understand me and
    I'd kill for her
    Just might kill her
    Cause she doesn't understand me
    I hate her
    Because I love her

    I've gone blind
    I've gone blind in my mind's eye
    The static in my mind is why
    There is light in my eyes

    I only have one eye to see through
    And it's the cherry eye of love
    I feel drunk and I feel stoned
    Like the gods that reign above
    Love took my common sense
    And now I'm all alone
    Relying on my crazyness
    I hope to stumble home

    That's all for now,

By Starchy on Wednesday, August 19, 1998 - 10:01 am:

    I must say, I very much enjoyed the "two handed handshake" stanza. Good flow to it, nice punch.

    As for the rest of it, it was reasonably well constructed, but the flow seemed choppy and at times the tone couldn't hold itself together. It was whiny, which is fine, but it was trying to be something more than that. Pieces need to be honest.

By Strange on Wednesday, August 19, 1998 - 07:38 pm:

    Given, the lyrics (love and desperation) especially are whiny, but hey, I've got the right to whine. I thank you for the fact that you gave real constructive critisism, it's nice know there are people willing to do so. As for flow, one thing I've noticed in lyrics is that flow quite often depends on the individual interpretation of the vocalist/reader. For instance (this particular song probobly isn't the best example) Spiraling Shape, by They Might Be Giants. If you ever hear it sung it has wonderful flow, but just as dry text it's almost clunky.

    Sorry and thanks,

By Dani on Wednesday, August 19, 1998 - 10:58 pm:

    I liked both of them Strange...heres one of my very favorites...I didnt write it...it was written for me.. its very nice...in my opinion..

    A dream..

    You walked into my life nothing but a vision, a hope, a dream
    Me, never knowing the possibilities.
    Fraught with frustration our early moments
    Unable to speak the truth inside,
    The greatest of storms with fury unleashed.
    An omen of the power of the love to come?
    Sensing perhaps something different, it seemed
    Possible with you, this dream of dreams.

    Something about you, drew me, called me
    From the bottom of the heart.
    I listened to it call, sometimes screaming
    To respond. Not enough of you could I get,
    The insatiable urge to have you near,
    Overwhelming. And Yet, through the storms
    We waged.

    Finally a breakthrough, a day a goodbye to one,
    A proposal to you, the only one. Ever. Anticipation.
    Yes? Yes! Oh, the joy, the fun, the laughter, the love.

    Feelings never felt, emotions never seen,
    Words never uttered these are what
    You bring from the depths of my soul;
    Touching me like no one before;
    Loving me like I never knew.
    We move onward together, toward something unknown,
    The excitement building as we near.

    Never so looking forward to a moment, an instant
    In time, when, there you are love,
    My vision, my hope, my dream.

    I love you so very much baby


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