Hell Pope Huey consults the Polls.

sorabji.com: Are you stupid?: Hell Pope Huey consults the Polls.

By semillama on Thursday, June 19, 2003 - 04:58 pm:

    This was so funny, I had to share with you non-subgenius types - it's a post from the subgenius yahoogroups list.

    "'You've got a 7% chance at the polls of being alive according to the stats gathered by Bob Harris over at "This Modern World."

    By now you've seen the recent poll which finds that a third of Americans mistakenly believe that WMDs were found in Iraq, and about 22 percent think Iraq actually used WMDs during the

    Sounds bad, right? But let's put these figures in perspective, courtesy a quick
    visit over to http://www.PollingReport.com, where I pulled out a few numbers, all from recent major polls, just for fun:

    Of American adults, at least 18 years of age...

    65% couldn't describe the basic facts about Watergate
    56% think in war, the media should support the government over questioning it
    48% say the news media acted responsibly during the Clinton Wars
    45% characterized Watergate was "just politics"
    43% attended religious services in the previous 7 days
    40% believe the media was biased in favor of Bill Clinton
    35% say the government should not fund stem cell research
    34% think Rock and Roll has had an overall negative impact on America
    33% believe a wife should "submit herself graciously" to a husband
    30% say the Bible is the "actual word of God" to be taken literally
    29% think people will be "more likely" to afford college for their kids in 2020
    28% disapprove of labor unions on principle
    28% say the government should have the right to control news reports
    27% believe divorce is "morally wrong"
    26% thought various disasters in 1999 might "foreshadow the wrath of God"
    26% think grade-school teachers should be allowed to spank their kids
    24% describe themselves as interested in what celebrities think
    21% told a pollster they'd never met that they had cheated in a relationship
    21% say justice was served in the O.J. Simpson case
    20% approve of the how the Catholic Church handles pedophilia
    20% believe that the killing of civilians in Vietnam was "relatively rare"
    15% were upset at Diana Spencer's death like "someone you knew"
    12% think the United States should have a British-style royal family
    11% stockpiled food and water in advance of Y2K
    11% think "Titanic" was the best American movie of the 20th century
    11% would like "Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman" as their personal physician
    10% would eat a rat or an insect on a "reality" TV show
    10% think it's advantageous to be a woman in American society
    10% believe Oswald acted alone
    10% say they are "very likely" to become rich someday
    8% could not name a single TV network
    8% fear they are "very likely" to be shot or badly hurt by a stranger
    7% think Elvis is possibly still alive
    6% say Garth Brooks is the best male singer of the 20th century
    5% are very afraid of thunder and lightning
    5% would be "more likely" to buy food labeled as genetically modified
    3% wanted to see the questions on "Millionaire" become less difficult

    So... what to make of all this?

    1) A measurable percentage of Americans will say pretty much any damn thing you can imagine.

    2) Looking at the other opinions floating around 20 percent,I'd say that the extent of lunatic public perception of WMDs is, if anything, surprisingly low, given the constant drumbeat of bullshit coming out of the White House and megaphoned by the press for much of the past year.

    3) About the same number of people who think it's an advantage to be a woman in America would eat a rat on live TV. Clearly, we've got some work to do on the whole gender-equality thing.

    4) Speaking of social progress, there sure seems to be a remarkably consistent hardcore of about 25-30 percent who seem to be living sometime in the late 19th century at best.
    Beatings as a form of education? Wives submitting graciously?
    Vengeful gods screwing with the weather?

    Gallup really ought to quiz these people in a little more detail; after all, there's a lot we still don't know the Spanish menace in Cuba, how to handle an acute case of quinsy, and this schoolteacher concocting folderol about our
    forefathers descending from monkeys.

    So one-third of Americans mistakenly think we found WMDs? Great. We can work with that. After looking at these numbers, I'm just relieved 30 percent don't think Saddam's disembodied wraith is looming in a vengeful stormfront, ready to deflower the womenfolk, lead our children into Satan's bosom, and force the men to read science books.'

    The Hellpopic Take: In my view, 25-30%+/- of all poll respondees need to be killed with blunt objects, thrown into pits and covered in quicklime. I'm harsh, but I'm fair. After
    I've had coffee, frop and a live nude girl slapping my back with a wet bamboo frond for 30 minutes."


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