How is it possible? Are you stupid?: How is it possible?

By Antigone on Sunday, July 24, 2011 - 03:31 am:

    How can it be possible for someone to hate you with a
    passion after you've been nothing but supportive of them for
    years? When you've provided for them? When you've stood
    by them and picked them up after they've fallen into rough
    times, resulting from bad luck but also from self inflicted

    So, yeah, she's probably going to divorce me soon.

By Dr Pepper on Sunday, July 24, 2011 - 02:13 pm:

    I am sorry about that, sir. I don't have a word to describe on how I feels about that.

By Antigone on Sunday, July 24, 2011 - 03:40 pm:

    Yeah, so we just talked about it. She never said "divorce,"
    just euphemisms like "divided households" and such. I'm
    numb. She said I was a bad person and a bad father. I
    guess it helps her to see me that way.

By Antigone on Sunday, July 24, 2011 - 04:28 pm:

    OK, so it wasn't a euphemism. She wants to live in separate
    houses, but NOT get a divorce. She wants to sell our house
    and buy two new ones. All this after we almost went
    bankrupt the last time we bought a house. (Right when the
    housing market tanked in 2008. The market is WORSE now.)
    This is just bizarre.

By Antigone on Monday, July 25, 2011 - 12:39 am:

    And now she says I can't sleep in my own bed, and
    if I do I'd be "forcing" her to sleep elsewhere, and that would
    constitute bullying on my part.

    I gave in. I'm sleeping upstairs on a couch. I still don't
    understand how I'd be making her sleep elsewhere just by
    sleeping on my side of the bed, but whatever. She
    apparently thinks I'm picking a fight just by existing, so no
    need to make things worse.

By sarah on Monday, July 25, 2011 - 10:20 am:

    oh Tig. this sounds so bad! my heart is broken.

By platypus on Monday, July 25, 2011 - 10:10 pm:

    Ugh, Tig, this sounds...awful. I don't even.

By moonit on Monday, July 25, 2011 - 11:16 pm:

    this is horrible to read. i hope you are okay. maybe sarah needs to post you some of nana's balls.

By sarah on Tuesday, July 26, 2011 - 10:28 am:

    package arrived yesterday afternoon! sooooo exciting! senor dove right in to the bags of candy. i hope he didn't eat all of the ingredients already.

By sarah on Tuesday, July 26, 2011 - 10:28 am:

    but, yes, when i make nana's balls, i shall mail some to all those in need of a pick me up.

    along with fig preserves.

By Antigone on Tuesday, July 26, 2011 - 05:13 pm:

    Things are back to status quo, though I guess I'll be sleeping
    in the upstairs room for the foreseeable future. It now
    makes sense why my wife wanted me to move my office up
    here a few months ago.

By sarah on Tuesday, July 26, 2011 - 08:25 pm:

    care to share with us why that is?

    this all seems so vague and random from this point of view.

    marriage is SO HARD. my god it is so hard and a lot of work. the best advice our family counselor ever gave us was to get a babysitter at least 2x a month, but ideally 1x a week. that advice, i believe, has saved my marriage.

    i'm not sure that advice would work in a marriage where one or both spouses have an addiction or mental health issues that they are not willing to admit or address.

    anyway. i'm still very sorry.

By Antigone on Tuesday, July 26, 2011 - 11:47 pm:

    It makes sense because I figure that she wanted to get me
    as far from her on a daily basis (and now at night, too) as
    possible. I've been working from home since february and
    seeing as she can't stand being around me that must have
    been difficult for her.

    We have a housekeeper who also does childcare two days a
    week. It certainly helps.

    I think the crux of the situation is that she's projecting her
    feelings about her father onto me. Her dad is very controlling,
    manipulative, angry, and mercurial. (and apparently has
    mellowed as he's aged, though he's still the most intimidating
    man I've ever met.) I can only imagine being around him as a
    child seriously messed up my wife. I figured it might be an
    issue going into our marriage, but I had no idea how far it

By Heather on Wednesday, July 27, 2011 - 02:56 am:

    I am so very sorry to hear about your confusion and other painful things.

    I have recently learned how biology makes men and women very different in ways that make it really hard to understand each other. It's incredible. For the record, men are awesome.

By moonit on Wednesday, July 27, 2011 - 03:33 am:

    as long as he didnt eat too many oddfellows or the chocolate thins you'll be fine.

By semillama on Wednesday, July 27, 2011 - 09:52 am:

    Antigone, at what point do you say "enough" to your wife?

By Antigone on Wednesday, July 27, 2011 - 10:44 pm:

    Wouldn't do much good, sem. If I try to comment in just
    about any way about her actions she starts on the, "Oh, so it's
    all about me?" routine, even as she's making it all about me.
    :) She's just not being remotely rational. But, you know
    what? I'll put up with almost anything as long as she's a good
    mom to our daughter and as long as I can live under the
    same roof.

By kazu on Thursday, July 28, 2011 - 12:00 am:

    Good mothers don't treat their partners like

    Neither of you are doing your daughter any
    favors, living day in and day out in a completely
    dysfunctional relationship and acting as if it
    were normal.

By Dr Pepper on Thursday, July 28, 2011 - 02:24 am:

    kazu, you are correct, this is what happened to me when my mom and dad got divorce, things got real ugly.

By sarah on Thursday, July 28, 2011 - 11:38 am:

    i agree with kazu.

    i'm not saying get divorced, but...

    how about this idea? your wife gets a part time job of some kind and starts taking an anti-depressant and you go to marriage counseling.

    the job thing, speaking from personal experience, helps retard the slow decent into madness, that staying home full time with kids, along with varying hormonal factors, can sometimes induce. i mean that only half jokingly.

    anti-depressant thing, because from earlier posts of yours, it sounds like she's dealing with some some difficult things like health issues? it might help even her out so she can get her wits about her in the midst of everything.

By Antigone on Thursday, July 28, 2011 - 02:12 pm:

    She's talked about getting a part time job, and that might be
    a possibility when our daughter goes back to school, but I
    don't see it happening any time soon.

    I doubt she'd ever take antidepressants. And considering she
    believes herself to be 100% in the right I don't think she'd
    consider it. We did go to couples counseling a few months
    ago, and before she cut it off because it "wasn't working" the
    counsellor did suggest antidepressants to her. She refused,
    so that was that. (And this was the same counsellor who
    suggested that I could go into organ failure and die if I
    stayed in an unhappy marriage, so wasn't too keen on the
    guy myself.)

By Dr Pepper on Friday, July 29, 2011 - 01:13 am:

    Antigone, "organ failure?" this is unheard of, I have been single for 18 years since I was divorced.
    I hated being a "hurt" part when my ex-wife and I got divorced, it did had alot of bearing down on us. But I ain't getting married again, but happy for who I am now. :-)
    Hopefully, things will resolve soon. I know you are doing the best.

By Daniel on Sunday, July 31, 2011 - 03:26 pm:

    Antigone, its time for you to figure out what is healthy for
    you n yr daughter, which to me sounds like getting good
    legal advice, married folk sleep together, or agree not to.
    But never unilaterally. Give her a week to come to her
    senses, stop abusing you, then take halff all assests n put in
    yr name only and find a lawyer. Give her that, she if she
    changes her tune. I am for happy coupledom. Sounds like
    yr counseloer was right on. Sorry. Call me if you want. Stay

By Antigone on Sunday, July 31, 2011 - 09:38 pm:

    He would be right if I internalized stress, but I just don't. And
    I don't want a divorce because I want to be in my daughter's
    life more than every other weekend and one dinner per week.
    (I'd never get 50/50 custody as she has too man resources at
    her disposal. Plus 50/50 custody would not be good for my
    daughter as she's only three years old.)

By Daniel on Sunday, July 31, 2011 - 09:56 pm:

    If wife is unstable go for broke. I hear your concerns, but
    kids are resilient and respond well to good parenting even if
    it is single parenting. Don t be miserable. If only one of you
    wants to reconcile, might as well be a happy dad half time
    than a perturbed dad all the time. What would
    reconciliation take?

By Dr Pepper on Sunday, July 31, 2011 - 11:41 pm:

    Daniel, I strongly agree with Antigone's recent comment in which he doesn't want to miss out his daught's life.

By Antigone on Monday, August 1, 2011 - 01:37 am:

    That's the thing, Daniel, I'm not miserable. Confused and
    concerned, yes. I've been anticipating for about nine months
    now that she'd divorce me. That was the hardest part,
    wondering when she'd lower the boom. Now that it's clear (at
    least for the moment) that she doesn't want a divorce I'm
    actually feeling much better.

    Maybe part of my calm about the situation is that I've been
    through far worse. I've had girlfriends physically abuse me,
    emotionally abuse me, bring other men into my home and
    have sex with them on my bed while I was in the house, etc.
    (none of this was by by wife) I've experienced many attacks
    from women who were trying to belittle me and tear me down.
    So when my wife was telling me I was a bad father and a
    bad person, sure it hurt, but I could also dispassionately see
    the possibilities.

    For instance, she said I was a bad father because I
    "terrorize" our daughter. The only example she could come
    up with was when our daughter was throwing a screaming fit
    in a grocery store I told her we would go out to the car and
    my wife would finish the shopping. Our daughter is very
    attached to my wife, so she was upset by this, but it was no
    worse than when my wife drops her off at school, or she
    leaves her at home to go to the store. But when it's me
    suggesting they separate (even for a few moments) I'm being
    a "terrorizer."

    So when my wife said this it seemed so ridiculous, and I
    could be a bit detached because much worse has been
    thrown at me in years past. Even if she said some things to
    be intentionally hurtful (always a possibility coming from
    someone who feels trapped) it was so plainly false that it just
    bounced off me.

    And it seems in general that she's unwilling or unable to do
    the things that would hurt me the most. I still don't know why
    she won't divorce me. I asked her directly and she was
    completely silent. So for now, as odd as it is, it's good
    enough for me. Even sleeping upstairs.

By sarah on Monday, August 1, 2011 - 04:59 pm:

    that is so zen and logical of you. it boggles the mind. or... it boggles this mind.

By Dr Pepper on Tuesday, August 2, 2011 - 01:30 am:

    Antigone,hopefully things will goes well for you , your wife and your daughter. I can't dealt with the issues.

    I am better off today than I was while back. Fawk that anyway (pardon my language).

By Antigone on Tuesday, August 2, 2011 - 02:04 pm:

    I have emotions, sarah. But what should I have done when
    she attacked me? Attack back? Would that have made the
    situation better? Would me getting upset or angry make the
    situation better?

By sarah on Tuesday, August 2, 2011 - 03:41 pm:

    no, of course not. i am not attacking you or being sarcastic (though historically i understand why you might take it that way). in this instance i am being completely sincere.

    honestly i was thinking that i should enlist that point of view in my own relationships more often.

    maybe in context my comment may make more sense. lately i've been choking back a lot of rage and resentment toward someone who hurt me. maybe a better way to put it is, i let her get to me (no, i'm not talking about my mother). there was just one hurt too many and i lashed back. it was very childish and ugly. i apologized, but she didn't accept, so i lashed out again.

    ugh. it's so gross. i'm still feeling shitty about it. lashing back is not what i want to do, it isn't who i want to be. it's very childish and ugly. i let myself get dragged down.

    but this isn't about me, and i don't want it to turn it into that.

    i don't judge you at all. it sounds like you are confident in the way you want to handle this situation. that's admirable. you're a good man.

By Daniel on Saturday, August 6, 2011 - 11:47 am:

    You good. You are handling it as you can and want. If you
    can live with the situation, go for it. Sometimes people come
    to some compromise. You don't have to go to every
    argument to which you have been invited.

By Antigone on Saturday, August 20, 2011 - 02:42 am:

    So the latest is that my wife has taken out the big guns: she
    called Daddy.

    He father is ruthless, quite wealthy, and has been divorced
    four times. He's a fucking divorce ninja.

    The good thing is that he likes me, or at least claims to. (He
    has no qualms about lying to gain a tactical advantage, and is
    very good at it.) But I can only assume the freight train is
    coming. He has told me that he will support my wife
    completely, which means the best lawyers money can buy on
    her side. I may be well and truly fucked.

By J on Saturday, August 20, 2011 - 03:27 am:

    Oh Tiggy,I'm so sorry to hear this,I know Ada is your pride and joy and she looks so much like you except wayyy prettier:-).
    You haven't done anything wrong,your a great father,and sometimes you just can't back down!!!
    If it comes down to it,I'll write a letter to the court and I'm sure other sorabaji's will too. I think your the better parent.
    It sounds like your wife has some mental issues if you ask me and you should start documenting all her bullshit!!!

By Dr Pepper on Saturday, August 20, 2011 - 08:03 am:


By semillama on Thursday, August 25, 2011 - 12:31 pm:

    I'm sorry, Antigone. I really hope you had documented some of this stuff for the inevitable custody hearings.

By Antigone on Friday, October 21, 2011 - 02:27 am:

    So the date has been set. She's moving out November 3rd.

    She has causally said, several times, "Nothing will be different
    for you. You can come over and see Ada whenever you want.
    I don't see why you're so upset." To think she could actually
    believe that not living with my own daughter would be just fine
    for me is...I don't know what to say. I've been weeping,
    literally on the floor crying my guts out, many times in the past
    week. This is the worst thing I've ever gone through.

By platypus on Friday, October 21, 2011 - 09:40 am:

    Oh, Antigone. I don't even. I'm so sorry.

By Dr Pepper on Friday, October 21, 2011 - 11:43 am:

    I am loss for a word. Sorry about that sir.

By sarah on Friday, October 21, 2011 - 02:30 pm:

    this makes me feel sick. i am so sorry this is happening to you. why can't Ada live with you?

By kazu on Friday, October 21, 2011 - 03:10 pm:

    I'm so sorry Antigone.

By J on Friday, October 21, 2011 - 04:14 pm:

    You do sound like the more stable parent Tiggy.I wish I could give you a big hug,I am so sorry.

By Antigone on Friday, October 21, 2011 - 11:48 pm:

    Ada could live with me, but:

    1) Marci doesn't have to work for a living, so has much more
    time to devote to taking care of Ada. One thing I've seen
    through all of this is that she is remarkably good at
    manipulating her Dad, who is wealthy, so she gets lots of
    support from him. I have now become a tool in this, as she's
    managed to turn her mismanagement of money into "He
    fooled my Dad into thinking I'm irresponsible with money."
    So not only will she have her monthly stipend, but I'm sure
    she's managed to get more out of him.

    2) I have to work, sometimes long hours, often travel. Not
    very conducive to single parenthood. And though it's
    possible Ada's financial needs may be taken care of, it's not
    something I want to bet on. I need to be able to build a
    financial future for Ada because left to her own devices Marci
    will burn through whatever funds she has available. It's the
    only behavior I've seen from her in all the years I've known

    3) Ada is very attached to Marci, and will be for a while.
    Marci does all she can to encourage this, even to Ada's
    detriment, but I think it would be pretty hard on Ada to be
    away from Marci.

    4) I'm up against the juggernaut, the aforementioned Daddy.
    He could crush me in court and financially without breaking a

    So that's where it is. Not good.

By ANGRY J on Monday, October 24, 2011 - 01:53 am:

    Pardon me if I seem crude,but when I look back on
    things as far as Sorabji and I go, I have always
    been kind of ghetto.
    She will get KARMA!

By Antigone on Monday, October 24, 2011 - 02:58 pm:

    Thanks, J. That means a lot to me. And I have been really
    angry, and despondent, at times. But now is not the time for
    either of those reactions. I can tell, just from her actions this
    past week, that she is going to try the "look at how angry and
    crazy Greg is" game, and it started with her pushing me by
    saying 1) I had "anger issues," and 2) I had been the
    financially irresponsible one in the relationship. (after she blew
    at least $100K of her dad's money...all of which is well
    documented in bank transactions. Not sure how she thinks
    she'll get away with that one...) So she's clearly trying to goad
    me into anger so she can play off of that. Well, it's not going to

By J on Thursday, October 27, 2011 - 12:09 am:

    Well fuck her anyway,and the dad she rode in on!

By sarah on Thursday, October 27, 2011 - 04:46 pm:

    amen to that. J said what i really wanted to say.

By sarah on Friday, October 28, 2011 - 12:47 am:

    quit your job, fuck it all. grab your little girl and run far away. explain it all to her later when she can understand.

    either way, she'll end up resenting you. that's the way this goes, i know. but at least she'll be safe and and have a chance at sanity in your care.

    run run run run run run away.

By moonit on Friday, October 28, 2011 - 04:38 am:

    I can hide you in new zealand.

By Daniel on Saturday, October 29, 2011 - 11:19 am:

    Or Missouri

By Antigone on Saturday, October 29, 2011 - 11:33 pm:

    You guys are fuuuuuuunny.

    But, no. :)

By Antigone on Thursday, January 19, 2012 - 02:27 am:

    So my house is about ready for sale. It's in OK shape, and I've
    almost got it cleaned out, but the market is horrible. Another
    house just went on the market a few doors down: same size,
    probably better shape, $50k less. I'm screwed.

    And then there's the weeping. Can't forget that. I've been making
    great progress cleaning the place up, but there are long bouts of
    crying, and I have to force myself to clean out drawers. I haven't
    been this emotional about the whole situation for about a month,
    but then a few days ago I started cleaning out some of Ada's toys
    and it all hit me again. And again today it was cleaning out the
    bathroom, of all places, where a lot of her bath toys surprised me
    in a drawer. I've been a bit more down and vulnerable the last few
    days because I caught the flu, but damn, can the fucking crying
    stop already?

By Dr Pepper on Thursday, January 19, 2012 - 04:19 am:

    Antigone, I don't meant to put this with you; if the market is bad, is it possible that you can rent the house to tenant or someone until the economy is fully recovered and you may proceed to sell the house at the market's reasonable price?

    I can understand about going through the process with the aftermath, the same as mine. It takes time and courage.

By JusMiceElf on Thursday, January 19, 2012 - 09:24 am:


    my heart goes out to you dude. been going through a split myself,
    but yours sounds by far more traumatic. I do hope you've been
    able to maintain a connection to your daughter. Stay strong. The
    love you give her will always be important. Do you have good
    people around you for support? Get them to help you. And break
    some shit, or burn it, to let the feelings out.

By heather on Thursday, January 19, 2012 - 12:43 pm:

    Oh Antigone.


    Don't resist.

By sarah on Thursday, January 19, 2012 - 03:50 pm:

    keep crying. if you're still crying this much a
    year from now, you ought to step back and

    also, yes, break some shit. huge fan.

    you are okay. your vulnerability is what makes
    you human. your ability to cry is what makes you
    healthy. the tears will lubricate the transition
    to the next phase.

    sorry to use the word lubricate.

    hang in there. you can do this.

By Dougie on Thursday, January 19, 2012 - 05:14 pm:

    Sorry to hear that Antigone. Don't rent though -- got a friend who rented out two of his houses, and has to take both sets of tenants to court to get them the hell out. Renters seem to have more rights than owners.

By Dr Pepper on Friday, January 20, 2012 - 01:00 am:

    Dougie, well excuse me. I am hoping things will goes well for Antigone soon... :-)

By Antigone on Friday, January 20, 2012 - 01:46 am:

    Thanks, ya'll. I know crying is necessary, but it's just been hitting
    me hard the last few days. And in a way, sarah, it's been almost a
    year. Last January was when I figured Marci was on the verge of
    divorcing me.

    I'm definitely not renting. Just getting this place into it's current
    condition was a pain. Having renters would just guarantee
    property damage. Nah, it's either sell or keep paying the

By blindswine on Friday, January 20, 2012 - 03:02 am:

By sarah on Friday, January 20, 2012 - 09:29 am:


By platypus on Friday, January 20, 2012 - 01:12 pm:

    Much love for you, Antigone. I'll second the advice
    above--cry. Break some stuff. Reality setting in is
    when it hits you hard all over again, no matter how
    long you've been preparing for it.

By Antigone on Friday, January 20, 2012 - 11:56 pm:

By Antigone on Saturday, January 21, 2012 - 12:06 am:

By agatha on Sunday, January 22, 2012 - 09:39 pm:

    Fucking Marci. Seriously, she sounds like a piece of work.

By droopy on Friday, January 27, 2012 - 01:49 am:

    damn. i'm sorry you had to go through all this.

    blow up the tv, throw away the paper
    go to the country, build a little home
    plant a little garden, eat a lot of peaches
    try to find jesus all on your own

By Antigone on Friday, January 27, 2012 - 05:30 am:

    Yeah, I'm already looking at land. :)

    The house is 99.44% ready to list. A photographer comes
    tomorrow to take pics for the listing. I dare say it's cleaner than
    when I bought it. (Except for the garage, which is packed to the

    I hope it sells quickly, but I'm not expecting it to. I just want out
    of here. The hardest thing from the past few days was cleaning off
    the front doorway. There were some bricks just outside the front
    door where Ada had written all of our names in chalk, plus the
    names of our pets. (One of which was my cat Max who died a year
    ago.) I could barely stand wiping the bricks clean, and all I could
    do was weep for minutes afterwards. Its like I've been slowly
    erasing the last four years while cleaning this house, tearing down
    my home.

By Dr Pepper on Friday, January 27, 2012 - 10:20 am:

    Agreed with droopy's comments :-)

By sarah on Friday, January 27, 2012 - 05:31 pm:

    go office space on a copy machine.

    if you're looking at land, don't forget to also
    for water.

By Dougie on Saturday, January 28, 2012 - 09:18 am:

    Praying for you and yours, Antigone.

By Antigone on Saturday, February 4, 2012 - 01:28 am:

    No need to comment or commiserate, I just need to tell someone
    the latest goofiness from the wife.

    So she's been bugging me for two weeks to give her the washer
    and dryer, which she initially said she didn't want. Apparently she
    bought a set for herself, so when she asked me if she could have
    mine I was a bit confused. She later told me that hers were
    breaking down so I told her I'd give her mine as long as I could do
    laundry when I came over. She agreed. This was two days ago.

    So yesterday she texted me and said she didn't want them
    anymore. She said my dryer was electric and her utility room
    didn't have a 220 volt outlet. So when I got over there to see Ada I
    peeked behind her dryer and there was a 220 volt outlet. I pointed
    this out to her and she said it was no longer my concern, and that I
    was a "control freak" for even having looked behind the dryer.

    The "control freak" comment really got to me, and I teared up a bit
    while playing with Ada afterwards. It's just so emblematic of why
    she's divorcing me. How can I be a control freak for trying to help
    her out in exactly the way she's been asking me to help her for the
    last two weeks? I mean, sure her dad exerts control over her
    through the money he gives her, so it's plausible that she's
    projecting that onto me, but I don't think that's all of it. After all,
    in her initial divorce decree she insisted on 100% parental custody
    of Ada. She basically codified her desire to completely control
    Ada's life in a legal document. And she's even started suggesting
    that I don't have to take Ada on my weekends if I don't "want to."
    How could I NOT want to see my daughter? It's basically the only
    thing that gives me happiness these days. So while she's in the
    past overtly and is now not so subtly trying to have control of all of
    Ada's time, she calls ME a control freak for trying to do exactly
    what she asked me to do. Unbelievable.

By heather on Saturday, February 4, 2012 - 01:36 pm:

    I know you didn't ask for comment, but this was one of my
    realizations in the last few years. When people are talking
    (usually when complaining about someone or accusing someone)
    they are 90-something-% talking to themselves.

    Now that I've seen it I can't stop seeing it, and it's freaky.

    Trying to understand people with the emotional maturity of a
    turnip is a fool's errand. Take it from a once-turnip.

    Man, I hope brunch is soon.

By Astoria on Sunday, February 5, 2012 - 12:08 am:

    Stay away from her!

By la on Sunday, February 5, 2012 - 12:32 pm:

    Stop worrying about what she wants and try to relax. Unless she gets some serious therapy it's not going to get better because of your trying to be helpful. Breathe and spend as much time with your daughter as you can.

    She's not just a turnip, but a cray-cray turnip.

    Clothes, laundry, walk, shower, ride, dungeons & dragons. Go!

By Antigone on Sunday, February 5, 2012 - 02:05 pm:

    Kind of hard to stay away from her as she's the mother of my child,
    but I do my best to ignore her. Sometimes my best isn't good

    Yeah, I 've just been clearing out the house (now basically finished)
    and the act of deconstructing the last sense of family I had was
    hard. The years of 2006-2008 were the happiest of my life, and
    the last six months have been the hardest of my life. I hope the
    next few months will be better.

By la on Sunday, February 5, 2012 - 05:34 pm:

    Etheric hugs for you. Stay strong.

By sarah on Monday, February 6, 2012 - 05:26 pm:

    i love turnips.

    it's likely that i've the emotional maturity of a
    turnip. or rutabaga. trying to work my way up to
    beet or carrot.

By la on Tuesday, February 7, 2012 - 12:49 am:


By semillama on Tuesday, February 7, 2012 - 03:28 pm:

    So, you do have a lawyer, right? and you should be writing all this down as well if you anticipate an ugly custody battle.

By Antigone on Wednesday, February 8, 2012 - 12:57 am:

    Yep, I have a lawyer. He hasn't done me wrong so far. :)

    Custody battle is over, unless she decides to revisit it. Officially I
    have Standard Possession Order level custody, the regular
    1st/3rd/5th weekend per month, with alternate Thursdays.
    Unofficially we've settled on a different schedule, though. I have
    Ada every Saturday and I come over to Marci's place every day to
    visit before bed time.

    We're just starting out the financial negotiations. I expect
    fireworks as soon as she sees what I've proposed.

By Antigone on Saturday, March 24, 2012 - 11:09 pm:

    So I guess it's time for an update.

    My house sale closes on Monday. Moved out most of my stuff
    today. Only cried once, on getting back, when I picked up a
    glow in the dark plastic star Ada stuck to the garage door.

    Hopefully some time this week I'll own a condo near by. It's
    decently sized, and has a nice small bedroom for Ada when
    she's over. I like it that my mortgage payment will be less than
    half of what it is now.

    I'm tired.

By Dr Pepper on Sunday, March 25, 2012 - 12:21 am:


By Antigone on Sunday, March 25, 2012 - 01:40 pm:


By Dr Pepper on Sunday, March 25, 2012 - 11:53 pm:

    When I read that, it bought back that memories of mine, both when my mom and dad got divorced and when my ex-wife and I got divorced, no children should gone through,and moving out was the hardest things in my life. sorry for the swearing above, I mean, it hurts for me to read this.

By Antigone on Monday, March 26, 2012 - 12:14 am:

    Shit, man, hurts to write it. I'm there with you.

By sarah on Monday, March 26, 2012 - 01:01 pm:

    same here. my parents' fighting still sounds an
    alarm somewhere deep down in my brain. my
    parents' divorced when i was 5, almost 6. it was
    very confusing. my dad disappeared for a while.
    then moving to the attic room at my grandma's. my
    scary, alcoholic, abusive grandpa. then my dad
    reappearing. then back to my mom's in an apartment
    in the ghetto. dad disappearing again. then to my
    aunt's house for a month or so. then to my mom's
    new boyfriend's house. my dad reappearing.

    mom married 3 times. three extra-marital affairs.

    dad married 4 times (most recently this last
    October), and in between each he literally had 30+
    girlfriends who lived with him at one time or
    another, anywhere from 6 months to 2 years.

    i didn't even realize how fucked up that all was
    until just last year. on the outside i had all
    the trappings of an average middle class white
    kid. but psychologically and emotionally i lived
    locked in a dark basement.

    Antigone, stay strong and sane and stable for your
    daughter. eventually that's what my dad was able
    to do for me, and that was the most important
    attachment and relationship in my life that kept
    me from... from i don't know what. from something
    likely much worse than what i am now.

    now that i have kids i want to stay married just
    so that my kids don't have to go through anything
    like that. i am trying to get sane for the same

    i love my girls more than anything in the world.

    but there's a part of me that is waking up to the
    idea that my attachment to my girls is not an
    ideal mother-daughter attachment, but an
    attachment between them and 6-year-old sarah.

    a little at a time i see glimpses of a idea that
    pokes out, wearing various disguises, a thought
    that getting married and having kids inevitably,
    despite what i do or don't do (The Work), is
    leading to my worst nightmare becoming a reality,
    and then some day having to learn to make peace
    with it, but not before i completely drown in a
    sea of regret and/or run away for good.

By Antigone on Tuesday, March 27, 2012 - 01:23 am:

    I don't think its bad to have that kind of attachment with your
    kids, sarah. In a way I think we all relive our childhoods while
    parenting, and try to make our kid's experience better than our

    I want to be strong, sane, and stable for Ada. I know there's a
    lot I can contribute to her life.

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