hopeless helpless fucked up & shredded

sorabji.com: Drunken ramblings: hopeless helpless fucked up & shredded

By X on Thursday, July 29, 1999 - 08:12 am:

    first off, i don't want to whine. whining is against my religion. i don't like whiners and don't want to become one. but things are spiralling out of control and i'm stuck here with nobody to hash it out with. which is fine, really. i don't fucking need a crying towel or some kind of pop-psychology bullshit. i'll pull myself out. i just need to tell somebody that i'm feeling screwed up. it's no big deal. among other things, i am in a celibate marriage. which is fine. i like it. i have a nice life. but to my horror yesterday, i began feeling as if i wanted somebody to get romantic with me. i hate that shit. i hate romance. fuck romance. i don't want to lead some kind of irrational, air-headed, pink heart-shaped existence. truthfully, i have a happy home life. i just wished, for one moment, that somebody (a person to whom i am actually attracted) would fucking ravish me. just touch me, even. just take me to bed or hold me or stroke my hair or kiss me or tell me i was loved. i think i would like that. but i don't want to live with that. i don't need the half-assed emotional crutch of romance. it was just a thought i had yesterday and it scared me. i don't want to become some kind of brainless, romance-starved twit. as more of those emotions flooded me, i began feeling violent. i just wanted to find some random sonofabitch and beat the fuck out of him. just ram my fist through his goddamn skull. kick his balls in just for fun. pound his face with my fists until it turned into an unrecognizable paste. while i was feeling this way, a customer accosted me and got up in my face over a four-dollar purchase. because the item turned out to be defective, i was yelled at. i was told that i'm a worthless and unethical human being. i was chewed out royally. i was portrayed as a horrible person--which i am, but not because of this inadvertent oversight. i promised that i would replace the merchandise, and i will. i will replace it above the value of the original purchase. see, i'm not such a demon after all. but this customer thinks i am. but i am not unethical; i am fucked in the head. there's a difference. to compound all of this, i learned that someone i'm rather uncomfortable with is now moving into my neighborhood. i didn't need this. i think i just need to go away. to get the fuck out of here. but i'm not in a position at the moment where that's a viable option. as for the romance gig, i have considered hiring a prostitute to just hold me for half an hour. but fuck it. i don't need to pay for my jollies. look, it's not as if i'm some kind of troll. i get a lot of sexual propositions, but they make me fucking sick. all these people want to do is use me for a jack-off rag. they don't give a shit about me. i used to fuck around a lot, but i'm tired of feeling chronically raped and disrespected. given this, i don't understand why or how i could still want this kind of attention, even for one fleeting moment. at any rate, i could just stand for one person in this whole fucked-up world to tell me that i'm not a demon. that i have some sort of basic worth (and before any armchair psychologists get fired up, i'm fully aware that one cannot derive self-worth from the actions and reassurances of others). i know that all my emotional support has to come from within. i don't know what's wrong with me. i just know that i feel abnormal and rather profoundly alone.

By J on Thursday, July 29, 1999 - 12:09 pm:

    Oh hon,I feel so sorry for you,you know what,s wrong,you already said it..celibate.I can,t imagine going without sex,and I don,t want to,it would be like going without food,water,or air.Is your mate gay?Did you two just hook up for the sake of keeping up the appearance of being a couple?Do you want to be where you are 5,10,years from now?

By Waffleboy on Thursday, July 29, 1999 - 12:14 pm:

    I am not touching this with a 10 foot pole, other than to say, I sympathize, it sounds like you have gone without for way too long, move on, get laid, get respect and have some fun, you sound pinned up.....

By Simon on Thursday, July 29, 1999 - 12:16 pm:

    5, 10 years from now I want to be wealthy from having written a song that contains the line "hopeless helpless fucked up & shredded."

By Silly on Thursday, July 29, 1999 - 01:42 pm:

    If 5,10 years from now you get wealthy from that song,then 5,10 years from now,I wanna be with you,wink,wink:)

By X on Thursday, July 29, 1999 - 02:50 pm:

    thanks so much for responding! i really do appreciate it. as for the question regarding whether or not my mate is gay, well, he may have a few latent homosexual tendencies (although he'd never admit that). he often jokes to me, "thank god you're not a woman". he dislikes the dumb-cow types, whom he classifies as women...thinking, intellectually capable females are...well, something else. he's had horrible experiences with some less-than-bright women. he prefers for me to not wear cosmetics. the more of my masculine side i exercise, the better. but the idea of being with a man fills him with utter revulsion. he's for gay rights, but not for gay personal experiences. anyway, we're just best friends who were together for a long damn time. something happened to separate us, and we got spooked--so we decided to be together in a more long-term way. we were also being strongly discriminated against in housing and other areas (i got tired of being asked on a weekly basis, by strangers, all these funny questions about "living in sin" or "shacking up"). we got married. the celibacy is OK most of the time. truthfully, it's probably more my problem than his (not that i'm dissing the celibate life as a "problem", as there are many people who prefer it). i have never found it easy to stay sexually involved with the people i actually live with. i mean, i LIVE there, for chrissakes. do i really need somebody relentlessly groping me in my own home, the only safe harbor i've got? it's like being attacked while simultaneously welcoming my assailant. anyhow, if i wanted that sort of thing, i could step out the door and go pick up a piece of ass. the ability to physically get laid is not at all the problem. it's the fear i feel when it happens (but only if i actually know the person involved). all my life, i've had this fucked-up problem: if i sleep with somebody, he's got to be a total stranger. if it's somebody i know, it's too frightening. he could hurt the hell out of me, rape me, attack me, harm me, blackmail me or betray me. he knows where i live. as for my husband, he's terribly faithful to me, and i do love him so. he is very easy to live with. i just wish i could get somebody to touch me for a while and then disappear. this may sound ridiculous, but i think it would be nice to have a man touch me softly or just hold me for a long time. i have a relatively strong libido...but it only works for strangers. i have an intense desire for intimacy. but not for the scary-as-hell bullshit that goes along with it when it becomes long-term.

    after i wrote that line, "hopeless helpless fucked up & shredded", i actually DID think about putting it into a song. sort of an ass-kicking, heavy kinda groove, y'know. i'll probably program a drum loop for it...add a little bass and guitar, vocals, and boom...i'll be a godzillionaire. right.

By Waffleboy on Thursday, July 29, 1999 - 02:57 pm:

    were your sexually assaulted at an early age? Fear and violence should NEVER be associated with sex AT ALL. Its not sex if there is an element of fear or violence. Thinking someone is going to be violent to you before during or after sex is an issue to be dealt with. I would think most people would agree that the bullshit that comes with sex is minimal if you are with someone you trust and know and love.

    i don't want to be a pin inthe ass, just trying toget to the root of why you may feel this way. It intrigues me and also makes me want to help because I think everyone agrees that sex, love and intimacy are GOOD things, only other people make them bad.

By J on Thursday, July 29, 1999 - 03:22 pm:

    X I use to be like you when I was single,I did the same thing,if you don,t know them,they can,t hurt you,my ex-shrink said I couldn,t attach myself to people.I passed up some probably real good times,cause I liked someone so much,that I didn,t want to blow it by having sex with them,I wanted to be their friend.I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I went ahead and did it.I think sometimes I regret it.I can,t understand your husband,does he want to be celibate or is it just you?I thought that sex was all men thought about,practically.

By Lucy Phurre on Thursday, July 29, 1999 - 03:34 pm:

    I would say that celibacy is a problem. I would say that your anxieties about sex are a problem.
    I would also say that it is up to you how you resolve them.

    However, I'm not sure sex is the core of your problem, or, at least, it may not be your only problem.
    Are you having enough physical contact with other people?

    This sounds a lot like a problem I had a few months back and I ended up absolutely hysterical in my friend's car one evening.

    What I realized was that it had been months since I had had *any* physical contact (beyond a handshake) with another human being.

    We are mammals. We have a biological need to be touched. Babies who are not touched enough stop eating. They call it Failure to Thrive Syndrome and it's serious.

    Adults need physical contact too.

    Perhaps you should consider a massage...there are places that offer safe massage for people with anxiety about sex.

    There may be one in your area.

By X on Thursday, July 29, 1999 - 04:00 pm:

    hey, thanks for the kind words. waffleboy, in answer to your question, my introduction to sex was via gangrape at age 13. i had to undergo a humiliating experience at the police station; the cops didn't believe me. i quoted one of the guys who attacked me directly in my statement to the police, and the rapist had used foul language. a policeman responded that if i knew language like that, i sure as hell was no virgin. my stepdad--a cop--believed him and was very angry with me for embarrassing him in front of his fellow officers. but i WAS a virgin. my folks were so ashamed about the loss of my virginity that they sent me to live with another family for a while. i didn't even know those people. i was chronically molested in my home--several homes, since i got adopted around. an earlier series of incidents came at about age 4...this is really screwed up and bizarre. a man in a rubber devil mask would show up after i was left alone in the house (same time every day) and do weird sexual things to me. nobody believed me when i tried to tell about it, but the devil showed up way too often. it was a pervy old neighbor who thought the mask would disguise him while he barged into the house and fucked around with me (the doors were never locked, as i recall). the guy's devil mask always scared the bejesus out of me. i got so scared on halloween one year by a stranger in a devil mask that i started screaming and couldn't stop. anyhow, i was later blackmailed into sex acts by a relative. he had a nude polaroid of me, taken while i was sleeping. he said that he'd tell my stepparents that i posed for it if i didn't do what he said. i did it, to avoid the beating i'd get from my parents if i didn't. other really screwed-up stuff happened to me, too. please understand that sexual molestation and attacks were very common in the neighborhood i grew up in. many kids went into child prostitution. as a pre-schooler, my mother would sometimes let grown men sleep naked in my bed. they were usually drunk or stoned and wanted to get all touchy-feely about everything. anyway, fuck it. i've had some truly frightening adult experiences. but i've had some good ones, too. i don't like to tell people how afraid i get sometimes. they think that i'm going to whine about it forever or something. i try not to burden other people with this crap. i know that all men can't pay for the crimes of a few assholes. i know that. but every time i have sex, i cry really hard--i have ways of disguising it, though. i turn away from them and don't turn back around until they leave the room. i feel like a complete piece of garbage after they're through with me, even if they were very nice to me. it's not a purity issue. i was never pure. i even cry when the sex is good. sometimes, i want the man to disappear afterward. as a teenager, i used to fuck guys to get out of my stepparents' house. i'd lie there and pretend that i was stabbing them in the back really hard every time they'd thrust into me. i wanted everybody to just go away. i hope this information has helped. as i said earlier, i really dislike chronic whining. i really do need to talk about some of this, though, and it's not exactly the sort of thing i can go talking about on the street here. thanx for listening. no shit. i do hope to conquer all my anxieties someday. i just hope that i'm not eighty fucking years old by the time it happens.

By X on Thursday, July 29, 1999 - 04:02 pm:

    lucy, thanks for the suggestion. it's something i hadn't really thought about before. i think that could be a start. but actually, what i think i need first is a year-long hug. i could probably even get that at home, but then i'd have to explain why i wanted it and i just couldn't, y'know?

By Hugging waffles on Thursday, July 29, 1999 - 04:30 pm:

    god, I dunno what to say, if I ooferd sympathies whre would that leave you? no where.

    I think I can be best of use by saying, your feelings, ARE NOT WITHOUT JUSTIFICATION. Your feelings do not say how abnormal you are but infact how NORMAL you are. Anyone who went through what you have gone through should be in your shape, anybody who wasn't I would deem ill fit for society. Thats why I am often glad when I shudder at a particularly violent scene in a movie. It' tells me I am more close to emotionally normal than most. I think most of all, you need to learn a little trust. God knows you have been violated and it scares the shit out of me to think what I would do if someone treated a friend, relative or even a stranger in my presence like you have been treated. People who act like need to be placed shunned and outcasted by society, jail is simply not enough, it only perpetuates the problem.

    I can only state there are people lots and lots who would nevr hurt you like that, Ia m sure your husband is one of them. I would highly suggest a therapist, one where you and your husband can go and vent, unwind, and have some sense made of all these things you have mentioned. It is too vast to be dealt with in one blow, as I Am sure you know. Who knows maybe you can find some sort of thereapy with all the intelligent folks around here, anyway, keep talking, the more you reognize your ailment and learn to hit it head on the better you are, otherwise you are still being controlled by the past and indirectly by your assailants.

By FETIDBEAVER on Thursday, July 29, 1999 - 04:37 pm:

    X, You should continue to talk via this medium since it is a safe way to express your feelings without the fear of direct intimacy. If you don't feel safe here, go to Delhpi.com they have message boards and chat rooms for all types of abuse and depression. Many there will relate with your experiences. The chats are moderated there to protect you from the smartasses and the predators. If you want to talk here, don't worry about "whining". The heavy shit you're talking about is not whining.

By X on Thursday, July 29, 1999 - 04:41 pm:

    thanks SO MUCH for your kindness. i cried so fucking hard after i wrote down all that stuff. i also felt shitty because it sounds as if i'm totally cutting down my husband...but honestly, he's a hell of a good guy. he's been nicer to me than anyone has ever been, EVER. people don't understand him. he's very strange, but so am i. i can relax around him in ways i can't around other people. he knows everything i've been through and the hell of it is, he's been through worse, himself. his childhood makes mine look like a cakewalk. he's a hell of a guy and i'll probably be with him until the end. it's just the sex that's missing, because i can't fucking handle it in any normal and rational way. and in some ways, neither can he. regardless of what happens, i'll survive, because i always do.

By FETIDBEAVER on Thursday, July 29, 1999 - 04:44 pm:

    X, I'm not trying to make you feel unwelcome, I'm just trying to give you some more resources. Here's the link if you're interested.

By J on Thursday, July 29, 1999 - 04:51 pm:

    Waffles and Fetidbeaver are right X,my God,but your still standing and thats half the battle.What happened to you,you need to at some point share with your man,you don,t have to tell him everything.He must love you not to force the issue,but I bet he,s horny.It had nothing to do with you,but your family should be put away.

By X on Thursday, July 29, 1999 - 04:54 pm:

    thank you. i really and truly do appreciate it. i'm going to have to get offline for a while now, probably until later tonight/early tomorrow morning. but i will definitely check it out when i'm back online. sounds like a really good resource. i am also severely agoraphobic, and would like to talk with somebody about it. that might be a place to start. again, thanks to everyone for being so damn cool.

By X on Thursday, July 29, 1999 - 05:03 pm:

    j, your post showed up while i was writing my last one, addressing fetidbeaver's recommendation of the delphi.com site. my husband does know what's happened to me. he rolls with the situation better than i could ever expect anyone else to. as for him being horny, yes, he may very well be. so am i, but in a very bizarre and odd way. i keep praying that i'll wake up one day and suddenly feel like i could deal with a normal relationship. my husband has certain personality traits, too, that prevented him from hooking up with any female before me. so we're kinda mutually nuts. but we do get along very nicely.

By FETIDBEAVER on Thursday, July 29, 1999 - 05:29 pm:

    X, My wife had issues in her childhood that I can't mention here because there are people that I know from work who drop by here. Delphi was a good start for her and for me. It takes time and talk. It can be healed but a scar remains. If you ever want to talk privately email me bastard@anonymous.to

By Sarah on Thursday, July 29, 1999 - 09:59 pm:

    "i am not unethical; i am fucked in the head. there's a difference."

    i think X has just inadvertently provided us with a new sorabji.com t-shirt logo.

By J on Thursday, July 29, 1999 - 10:22 pm:

    Sarah,that joke you posted about Chunks went over well with all my sick and twisted friends,it was funny.

By X on Friday, July 30, 1999 - 04:35 am:

    hey...just want to thank everyone, again, for being so kind. i was in such a dark, despairing mood when i started writing about all this shit, but i do feel somewhat better now. fetidbeaver--don't be surprised if i actually take you up on your offer and drop you an e-mail sometime. i really do appreciate it. sarah, i'm so happy that i've spawned some sort of goofy phrase worthy enough to be even mentioned in the same sentence as a sorabji.com T-shirt.

By FETIDBEAVER on Friday, July 30, 1999 - 05:54 am:

    I'll be happy to hear from you. From August 7th-24th I won't be here much (be in Los Angeles) but I will be checking the email.

By FETIDBEAVER on Friday, July 30, 1999 - 06:02 am:

    Sarah, My sister owns a company that prints T-shirts. If you ever really want to print 'em she'll give you a bid.

    p.s. It's sickening the amount of money she makes every year selling novelty shirts. Somedays I wonder why I don't do it.

By Waffleboy on Friday, July 30, 1999 - 11:02 am:

    whats brings you to town Beav?

By J on Friday, July 30, 1999 - 02:17 pm:

    X,my mother is agoraphobic.Did you start out getting panic attacks?Her sister had it too,anyone else in your family have it?It scares the hell out of me,cause I already have panic attacks,but only if I drive.

By X on Friday, July 30, 1999 - 03:23 pm:

    to my knowledge, nobody else in my family is agoraphobic. then again, i was abandoned by my birth parents, and haven't seen a blood relative of mine since i was six years old...so i don't know if one of them suffered from it or not. i don't think my real mother did. she was a party hound. i was clinically diagnosed as agoraphobic at age 12. i do have panic attacks, but they're largely inseparable from the agoraphobia, i think. i've been this way since i was a pre-school kid. this ailment has been the curse of my life. there are SO MANY things that i would like to do, if i could just conquer my fear. and i've come a long way. in the past five years, i've massively improved. i used to be so terrified to leave the house that even stepping outside on the porch to check my mail was a terrifying ordeal. oddly, the only public thing i can do without completely panicking is perform onstage. i can handle large crowds--but getting in the door of a gig is terrifying to me. as a musician, for instance, i can play a show...but getting into the place itself is a complete screaming freakout. once i get backstage and have a clear concept of what i'm going to do, i feel better. once i start playing, that's it. i'm in control, or close enough to it to turn off the panic triggers. yes, people are staring at me--but it's because i'm screaming into a mic and demanding that they do. when i say it's OK, then people can stare at me all they want. i'm willing to make a flaming public spectacle of myself occasionally so that everybody can get their little freakshow staring ritual over with at once. i've passed up a lot of opportunities, though, because i didn't feel i could even get inside a place without going completely berserk with terror. agoraphobia is a condition i wouldn't wish on a fucking enemy. it's all trendy now for people who are a wee bit nervous to say they're agoraphobic. what shit. agoraphobia is a DISEASE. it totally derailed almost all of my career aspirations. i was well on my way to a university professorship and just couldn't do it any more. every day was a freakout. i used to have to leave the room while teaching and go throw up because i'd be so scared. i just couldn't teach...after all those years of school, hard-won on a day-by-day basis, trying to swallow my fear so i could even attend classes. i try every day to do something to beat agoraphobia. and in many ways, i'm doing great. but still...if you're having panic attacks and even remotely thinking that it could be related to agoraphobia, you might want to seek help early on. this isn't a psychological disorder; it's a goddamn curse. it's a truly evil affliction.

By J on Friday, July 30, 1999 - 04:24 pm:

    I have,thats how I get my xanax.I know it,s just awful,you can hook up to About Now,they have a whole site there for people with this,your real mom could have developed this later in life,like my mom and maybe me.I do think it must run in families.

By FETIDBEAVER on Friday, July 30, 1999 - 04:58 pm:

    Waffles, I lived out there for years. Met my wife there and later drug her back here (Iowa). Our kids go out every summer and stay with their grandma. We are comming out to visit and also look at the job/housing/school situation. Just a little sick of the midwest at this point.

By Waffles on Friday, July 30, 1999 - 05:06 pm:

    what part of town are you in?

By FETIDBEAVER on Friday, July 30, 1999 - 05:15 pm:

    Long Beach

By Waffles on Friday, July 30, 1999 - 05:30 pm:

    COOL, its nice down there, my wife's company xmas party this past year was there, aboard the Queen Mary, the comped us all a night there as well.

By Ben on Monday, September 11, 2000 - 02:25 am:

    does anybody know how many xanax's you take to get fucked up, in .25mg form, thanks,
    email me RKORBE@aol.com

By semillama on Monday, September 11, 2000 - 01:02 pm:

    You to crush into a powder, mix with grape Kool aid and boiling water in a large bowl, then stick your head over the bowl, with a large towel over both your head and the bowl. Inhale deeply, and wait.

    I'll be along with the 2 x 4 shortly.

By J on Monday, September 11, 2000 - 03:16 pm:

    Sem,don't be so flip! Ben,send me some of those and I,ll tell you the precise amount you need according to your size and body weight.I do this for a living.

By Isolde on Monday, September 11, 2000 - 03:32 pm:

    Yes, Ben, better leave it to professionals like Gee to evaluate.

By Tired on Monday, September 11, 2000 - 04:28 pm:

    Where did I see something like that before, semi?

By Morlock on Monday, September 11, 2000 - 05:20 pm:

    Hold pills in hand.

    walk to nearest biker bar.

    Yell "I fucked your mama, and she said I was better in the sack than you are!" to the biggest one (or the one with the least teeth.) Throw one pill at him.

    If you don't get a result, take a few steps closer to him, and say

    "Hey. I really like your bike. The pink must match your ass. So, you gonna take the training wheels off sometime?" Throw another pill at him.

    repeat this process, insulting his genitalia, girlfriend, sexual preference, haircut and choice of beverage. The whole process shouldn't take more than 2 minutes, and you'll be fucked up. Tell me how many pills it takes, okay?

By Isolde on Monday, September 11, 2000 - 06:46 pm:

    Um. That's a stupid idea.

By Dougie on Monday, September 11, 2000 - 06:50 pm:

    Yes, but very funny.

By Isolde on Monday, September 11, 2000 - 06:52 pm:

    No, not even particularily funny.

By Morlock on Monday, September 11, 2000 - 09:50 pm:

    We could have a discussion on the meaning of the word "stupid?" or we could talk about the various interpretations of Ben's usage of the words "fucked up."

    We could talk about the subjectivity (subjectiveness?) of humor, as far as "was that funny?"

    I read today that some random brain-researchers may think that humor is hereditary. And since my father was corny, but barely funny in the least, I may be at a disadvantage. Maybe we should all handicap ourselves--Because I have bad humor genes, you should all pretend to laugh at what I say 10% more than if Pez else had said it, to make up for the fact that Pez is 10% funnier than I am.

    At the mo', though, (being 115% tired and headachy,) I'm gonna run away after starting a different conversation: How does one get rid of headaches?

By Pez on Monday, September 11, 2000 - 09:59 pm:

    maybe if you had it amputated. then it wouldn't hurt anymore. my aunt had her leg done for that reason. got tired of all the surgeries.

    is there a laughter quotient? how is it calculated (i heard that some middle eastern king is trying to figure out the gross national happiness of his country, or some similar thing that's extemely odd)

By Morlock on Tuesday, September 12, 2000 - 05:06 am:

    Yeah? That Sultan of Brunei. What a riot. Totally inbred, but still a riot.

By patrick on Tuesday, September 12, 2000 - 11:55 am:

    actually Morlock, despite popular opinion..... i thought it damn funny....

    good job fuckface!

By Isolde on Tuesday, September 12, 2000 - 11:57 am:

    I remain righteously convinced that it was stupid. Of course...well. Nevermind. the Isolde Court shall now rest.

By Pez on Tuesday, September 12, 2000 - 01:37 pm:

    i should perobably go outside and get the newspaper. then i'll have more odd little titbits to post.

By Gee on Tuesday, September 12, 2000 - 03:40 pm:

    wait. when did I become the expert on getting high? what kind of crazy, mixed-up, topsey-turvey world is this?

    in this world Nate is a priest and Rhiannon is a transexual hooker.

By Isolde on Tuesday, September 12, 2000 - 03:42 pm:

    It's raining. I got Smints!

By Pez on Tuesday, September 12, 2000 - 03:44 pm:

    anyone snoring?

    it's clear as clear can be here in Boring.

    i like everest. good gum, that.

By Tired on Tuesday, September 12, 2000 - 03:48 pm:

    Once I found a journal of humor. It was really a journal of serious papers about humor, and not some joke magazine with a cover satirizing academic journals as I originally guessed.

    I don't remember quite what their formula was for what makes something funny, but it was something objective, independent of the source or the recipient of the joke. Of course, this is a bit off, but I'm sure they would admit it's just an approximation.

By Pez on Tuesday, September 12, 2000 - 03:51 pm:

    my lord. we have become too serious.

    blue light special on handstands on aisle 9!

By Rhiannon on Tuesday, September 12, 2000 - 04:42 pm:

    Useless info:

    I dyed my hair a darker brown a couple weeks ago and I think it's fading already.

    I want it to be as dark as you can get without being black, and minus the red. I had that for a few days. My hair must not be very porous.

    A few days ago my roommate gave her red hair some blonde streaks, so I bleached a lock of my hair red...it's in the back and in the middle of the layers of my hair, so you can't see it unless the wind blows or something. So it's a surprise. Or something. Bah.

    My goal is: when i go completely grey (I started getting grey hairs in high school, so I hope I won't have to wait very long), I'll tone it white and then dye chunks of it black. I saw a middle-aged woman with hair like that once (waves of black against white background interspersed with waves of white against a black background), and it looked so cool.

    Gee: that would explain the dream I had last night.

By Isolde on Tuesday, September 12, 2000 - 04:47 pm:

    Yeah. It looks really cool.

By semillama on Tuesday, September 12, 2000 - 07:40 pm:

    How much darker can your hair get anyway, Rhi?

    or was it dyed when we hung out in April?

    There'd be an easy way to judge this you know, just post a photo of normal hair, then you could post one of dyed hair and we could...oh, I forgot. Sorry.

By Rhiannon on Tuesday, September 12, 2000 - 08:14 pm:

    Good thing you remembered! :)

    About my picture insecurities, I mean. You really remember the color of my hair? It's just plain old brown. Well, it's pretty dark, but it's not *that* dark. My brother, for example, dyed his hair black and no one noticed. Now *that's* dark brown.

    I'd never dyed it before this current time. I'd never wanted to. But now I keep thinking things like "you know what would be cool? If I bleached my whole head and then dyed it all different colors."

    Poor Lorraine put way too many onions in this pasta sauce I'm eating now. She would have put butter in it, but I said to her, "butter?" accompanied by that Look I supposedly have when I say such things in such a tone. She had even told me to stay out of the kitchen because she didn't want me to get mad at her. I've made her paranoid. But it's not my fault if I'm used to living with people with common sense and can't deal with her and her "no, I didn't look at the directions before I tried to hang this towel rod...I just went with the flow and oops! it's crooked" mentality. Arrgh.

    Next person I live with must have lots and lots of common sense. Lots.

By Isolde on Tuesday, September 12, 2000 - 08:27 pm:

    Sounds like you need Smints.
    Speaking of which, now that I have a huge crate of these things, does anyone want a package? E-mail me with your real-world address.

By Rhiannon on Tuesday, September 12, 2000 - 08:32 pm:

    I do! Check your email!

By Isolde on Tuesday, September 12, 2000 - 08:36 pm:

    I'll try to get those off on Thursday. Since I work then, I can stamp the package for free. Oh, yeah!

By Pez on Wednesday, September 13, 2000 - 12:25 am:


By Gee on Wednesday, September 13, 2000 - 04:03 am:

    what's a smit?

By Isolde on Wednesday, September 13, 2000 - 10:17 am:

    What's a Smint? E-mail me your address.

By cyst on Wednesday, September 13, 2000 - 11:34 am:

    little spanish mints that come in a fun little plastic box. better than altoids, not as good as starbuck's.

    The Official Wal-Mart Sucks Complaint Log

    The Month of October, 1999

    (Please hit RELOAD before you RESUBMIT)

    Complaint By: Ann
    Store Location: Galax, Virginia
    Date: November 12, 1999 at 02:41:40
    the guy made fun of us because we were looking for steak-ums and couldn't find them...his reply?

    "STEAK-UMS STEAK-UMS?! I've never heard of such a thing as STEAK-UMS..

    well, needless to say, I will no longer go there...

    Complaint By: SHE
    E-Mail Address: PRIVATE
    Store Location: 541
    Date: November 11, 1999 at 18:53:10

    Complaint By: Brandon Versluis
    E-Mail Address: dversluis@home.com
    Store Location: St.Catharines
    Date: November 11, 1999 at 16:53:39
    It has been three years scince they greeted me at the entrance I mean hello if you don't like being friendly GET A NEW JOB!

    Complaint By: Maelcom
    E-Mail Address: SmokeDaGanja@rasta.net
    Store Location: Jamaica
    Date: November 11, 1999 at 06:57:48
    Dis Wal-mart blows like a white house intern! I cannot belive de service dey give me. I axes on o de workas ifin dey know where de toilet papa be and dey told me to go freek me self in der bathroom! i told him i go home and freek his momma everi night. Dem sonamabitches can go to hell!

    Complaint By: Check This Out Friends!
    E-Mail Address: Too Much Oil@WM.atuoservice
    Store Location: Our local WM
    Date: November 11, 1999 at 00:29:58
    Brought KFC home. They forgot the two triple decker sandwiches I ordered, but the rest of the order was ok. I called the manager the next day. He apologized and promised me two sandwiches of my choice next time...PLUS...10% off the rest of the order - just mention his name to
    whoever is at counter.

    Complaint By: spooz
    E-Mail Address: leetoburrito@hotmail.com
    Store Location: Centerville, Ohio #1503
    Date: November 10, 1999 at 23:43:57
    They make this big fuss about me wanting another Saturday off, when they have all these people who work 1 day a week, and all these slackers who do no work at all, taking 6 breaks a day and like 1.5 hour lunches. They get left alone, but no, I get the shaft. WTF is up with that

    Complaint By: a walmart worker
    E-Mail Address: None
    Store Location: Willimantic
    Date: November 10, 1999 at 19:33:49
    This is for lori sargent: you a former walmart asshole. What does that say about you? If you didin't quit you would have been fired anyways. better watch who you make friends with.

    Complaint By: DIANE S.
    E-Mail Address:
    Store Location: SCHERERVILLE
    Date: November 10, 1999 at 19:05:10

By Pez on Wednesday, September 13, 2000 - 11:50 am:

By Isolde on Wednesday, September 13, 2000 - 11:53 am:

By Trace on Wednesday, September 13, 2000 - 11:54 am:


By Pez on Wednesday, September 13, 2000 - 11:58 am:

    diane=suck my dick?

    she didn't say anything about a head rolling on the floor.

By Trace on Wednesday, September 13, 2000 - 11:59 am:

    wow, that is the best gum webpage i have ever seen!

By Pez on Wednesday, September 13, 2000 - 12:02 pm:

    i like how it's moving.

    did anyone look at my pics?

By Trace on Wednesday, September 13, 2000 - 12:03 pm:

    cool!!! pics of PEZ!!!!!!

By Pez on Wednesday, September 13, 2000 - 12:08 pm:

    now i'm not so mysterious.

    oh well. maybe i'll have to wear a mask and a cape while typing...

    amazon pez to the rescue!

By Dougie on Wednesday, September 13, 2000 - 12:09 pm:

    Pez, your grandpappy and mine could be brothers, especially in what they where and how they wear it.

By Trace on Wednesday, September 13, 2000 - 12:11 pm:

    Nice pics Pez

By Dougie on Wednesday, September 13, 2000 - 12:14 pm:

    wear, sorry. oh well, got one of them right. Too much msaccess fries the brain.

By Pez on Wednesday, September 13, 2000 - 12:24 pm:

    i just realized who my grandpa looks like (at least in how high he wears his pants)


By Rhiannon on Wednesday, September 13, 2000 - 12:24 pm:

    Pez, you look like a girl I went to college with. And your grandpa's real cute. :)

    And that Smints page mentioned Chupa Chups, which my own grandpa brought back from Europe (can't remember what country) for all of his grandchildren.


By Isolde on Wednesday, September 13, 2000 - 12:32 pm:

    Yeah. One is a division of the other, all the boxes say "Chupa Chups." But Smint itself is definently a british company. I like the lemon mints. That's the flavour I have.

By patrick on Wednesday, September 13, 2000 - 01:21 pm:

    yeah i was gonna comment your gran pappy is a cute old man.....

    i got one of them, cute old man for grandpa....i hope i'm cute when i get that old so i can get away with more overt flirting in public.....

By cyst on Wednesday, September 13, 2000 - 01:26 pm:

    I thought smints came from barcelona.

By cyst on Wednesday, September 13, 2000 - 01:26 pm:

    pez is cute.

By Isolde on Wednesday, September 13, 2000 - 01:26 pm:

    Nice pictures, by the way.

By Trace on Wednesday, September 13, 2000 - 01:38 pm:

    My daughter loves chupa chups, and the only place I have seen them for sale in the states is california. They came in a package that made them look like a huge ice cream in a waffle cone...

By Isolde on Wednesday, September 13, 2000 - 01:39 pm:

    Oh! Tofutti!

By patrick on Wednesday, September 13, 2000 - 01:40 pm:

    what ever happend to goo goo clusters? i want one of those.

By Isolde on Wednesday, September 13, 2000 - 01:41 pm:

    This makes my canker sore feel good, too. Yay.

By Mavis on Wednesday, September 13, 2000 - 02:19 pm:

    okay, since we're talking obscure, potentially extinct junk food...


    any leads?

By Mavis on Wednesday, September 13, 2000 - 02:23 pm:

By Pez on Wednesday, September 13, 2000 - 03:43 pm:

    omigod--did you see the cricket pops and the tequila pops?

    i'll have to get the buffy tin.

    and whatever happened to fizzies? i'd open a can of pop, drop a fizzy in, and have a technicolor volcano on my hands.

By Trace on Wednesday, September 13, 2000 - 03:47 pm:

    Mavis, thanks!
    I miss the pop rocks, i think they still sell them out here, but I am not too sure.

By Pez on Wednesday, September 13, 2000 - 03:51 pm:

    they sell them in seaside. and i think the sweet factory, too.

By Trace on Wednesday, September 13, 2000 - 03:52 pm:

    whirly pops, unicorn pops, smiley face pops, cricket pops and tequilla pops all in one place! You gotta lov ethe 'net!

By Trace on Wednesday, September 13, 2000 - 03:55 pm:

    does that not sound good?

By Trace on Wednesday, September 13, 2000 - 03:56 pm:

    Mint candies with an anis seed in the middle.
    Imported from France.

    wtf are anis seeds???

By Isolde on Wednesday, September 13, 2000 - 03:59 pm:

    Anis is fennel.
    The candies are really good.

    We had pop rocks, cricket lick'its, and tequila pops in California.

By Pez on Wednesday, September 13, 2000 - 04:10 pm:

    the actual term is aniseed, unless i'm mistaken. it's in the spice cabinet.

    i remember going on a garden tour in aurora and tasting fresh fennel buds. definately licorice, definately good.

By Isolde on Wednesday, September 13, 2000 - 04:14 pm:

    You are correct, pez. And the abbreviation is spelled anise.

By Dougie on Wednesday, September 13, 2000 - 04:20 pm:

    Yes, but watch out for its more pungent relative, the anusseed. Trace, don't buy these:

    Mint candies with an anus seed in the middle.
    Imported from France.

By PeriPheral on Wednesday, September 13, 2000 - 04:57 pm:

    I saw pop rocks ice cream at Baskin Robbins last week. Didn't try it, though, because I couldn't figure how they'd still *pop* being wet and creamy.

By Cat on Wednesday, September 13, 2000 - 05:44 pm:

    I've heard it's easier for them to pop when they're wet and creamy. But that could be just a rumour.

By Mavis on Wednesday, September 13, 2000 - 06:05 pm:

    i had purple cow pop rocks ice cream.
    luckily(!) there are enough preservaives in the "special candy shell" of pop rocks that they don't get all weird from the ice cream. being cold helps too.

By semillama on Wednesday, September 13, 2000 - 06:20 pm:

    it's quite the experience.

    i miss Faygo in those funky little bottles, and a million flavors.

    I also miss Nehi grape in bottles.

By Gee on Thursday, September 14, 2000 - 01:47 am:

    I like the way you look pez. something about your face (smile?) that makes you seem like someone I would like to be around.

By Pez on Thursday, September 14, 2000 - 03:03 am:

    i have a reputation for messing up family photos and for smirking.

    one of my friends sent me a card for graduation: "band class won't be as crazy without your misterious smirk!"

    i play mischief. and anything else i can get my hands on.

By Trace on Thursday, September 14, 2000 - 07:03 am:

    I have heard of people putting pop rocks in thier mouths and then giving head
    That's gotta hurt!

By Isolde on Thursday, September 14, 2000 - 07:49 am:

    And I thought it was good with Altoids.

By Trace on Thursday, September 14, 2000 - 07:52 am:

    I have heard that as well. Never had it tried on me though.......

By Bell_Jar on Thursday, September 14, 2000 - 10:41 am:

    embarassingly enough, i have introduced many a guy to altoids and...

    i used to hate... because my ex-boyfriend would take like an hour to ... blah.

    i mean i know that you want to hold off as long as possible, but you have to think of the girl and how tired her jaw must be getting and her tongue, my god my poor poor tongue. however, now with the guy that i'm with i actually enjoy ...

    too much information.

By Trace on Thursday, September 14, 2000 - 10:45 am:

    i enjoyed that information

By Haywood on Thursday, September 14, 2000 - 10:46 am:

    I going to develop an new candy just for that purpose trace..."pop cocks"

By Haywood on Thursday, September 14, 2000 - 10:49 am:

    sweet jesus...i Just stole a digital camera from work!

By Trace on Thursday, September 14, 2000 - 11:38 am:

    haywood- i hope it was a good one

By Dougie on Thursday, September 14, 2000 - 11:55 am:

    Bell_Jar, I don't think it's on purpose, for me, it's hard to pop the weasel while it's being done on me, even though I enjoy it a lot.

By patrick on Thursday, September 14, 2000 - 12:18 pm:

    yeah bell jar, maybe you need to ask him what you could do to improve your technique....im like dougie in that it's not always easy......giving head is a fine art, and well, if i based my opinion on your age alone, you have experiences yet to come, you get better with practice....

By Dougie on Thursday, September 14, 2000 - 12:31 pm:

    What do the altoids do, numb it?

By patrick on Thursday, September 14, 2000 - 12:50 pm:

    nothing man, nothing

By Dougie on Thursday, September 14, 2000 - 12:56 pm:

    Well, at least they'll make it smell nice and minty fresh, none of that nasty morning breath for my john thomas

By Isolde on Thursday, September 14, 2000 - 01:02 pm:

    They're supposed to a give a tingly sensation...

By Dougie on Thursday, September 14, 2000 - 01:05 pm:

    Ooh, I'm all for tingly sensations...

By Isolde on Thursday, September 14, 2000 - 01:24 pm:

    Me too.
    I'm wearing a sari. Sari's rock.

By patrick on Thursday, September 14, 2000 - 01:30 pm:

    it doesnt work

By Isolde on Thursday, September 14, 2000 - 01:32 pm:

    Maybe you're doing it wrong?

By patrick on Thursday, September 14, 2000 - 01:51 pm:

    maybe you're a sucker (no pun intended)

By Isolde on Thursday, September 14, 2000 - 02:13 pm:

    Maybe _not_!

By Dougie on Thursday, September 14, 2000 - 03:01 pm:

    Maybe you gotta do the walrus to get the full effect, Patrick.

By Trace on Friday, September 15, 2000 - 06:54 am:

    i am not sure i know what that means, and i am sure i do not want to know, dougie

By Dougie on Friday, September 15, 2000 - 09:12 am:

    In a thread last week, Patrick explained a dirty sanchez, a hot carl, and a walrus. I don't have time to find them now though.

By Razz on Sunday, February 6, 2005 - 01:50 am:

    So, what happened? Everyone give up for the years 2001 thru 2004??? Some of this was getting interesting. I wonder about X and her sexual problem. And what about the dirty sanchez, hot carl and a walrus??? Leave us hanging???


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