someone loves me Drunken Ramblings: someone loves me

By Rhiannon on Thursday, September 20, 2001 - 05:37 pm:

    Or at least appreciates me. Check it:


    -----Original Message-----
    From: Xxxxxxxx, Katie (LNG-CIS)
    Sent: Thursday, September 20, 2001 2:57 PM
    To: Xxxxx, Rhiannon (LNG-CIS)
    Subject: RE: tomorrow


    yes, that's fine with me. hope you have a nice relaxing 3-day weekend -- you most definitely deserve it! (FYI -- when you do your time card, you can just list it under "sick")

    your conscientious attendence & dependability are excellent and very much appreciated, not only by me & your colleagues, but by our sales reps & customers. Thanks!

    -----Original Message-----
    From: Xxxxx, Rhiannon (LNG-CIS)
    Sent: Thursday, September 20, 2001 2:49 PM
    To: Xxxxxxxx, Katie (LNG-CIS)
    Subject: tomorrow

    Hi Katie,

    I'd like to take tomorrow off as a "mental health day," if I could. Let me know if this will cause any problems.

    Thanks very much!



    I am almost insane right now. Now, of course, it don't help much that I'm partaking of (don't laugh) my second vodka tonic at the moment, on a heretofore empty stomach, tender-livered, after nearly breaking down in tears around 4:00 this afternoon because everything is too much for my poor poor system.

    Why? Who knows why? Maybe because my boss-man was a jerk on Tuesday and embarrassed me in front of my department? Maybe because I've got more work than ever and it's all slipping through my fingers, and no, I don't want to call up someone and demand they pay us $16000. This is not a collections agency, and it would have been real nice if I had been trained before these foreign accounts got foisted off onto me, thanks for the warning and thanks for nothing. Maybe because I've got friends in DC who are freaking out over the whole crap of the last week and lucky me gets to be free psychologist and hold their hands at midnight when they call crying in anxiety? Maybe because i haven't slept more than 3 hours in a row for the past week and half, thanks to my asshole neighbor who listens to his TV turned up to 10 all fucking night?

    But I forgot. Someone loves me. Jesus.

    I feel like shit.

    Yes, let us admit it, it was my shame on Tuesday that sent me careening out of orbit. You gotta be careful with that can't hit it lightly, it goes off just the same. There's no excuse, either. Look, if you make fun of me to my face, I get hurt but I'm okay really because I tell myself you're just teasing and it just means you like me. But when you do it behind the wall I'm supposedly out of earshot of, like, dude, then it's not funny. That's just mean, dear. That makes the hidden malice come out of its dark corner and say, don't you just want to hurt him? Go on. And then you say what you said in front of me, in front of them? I thought you were kidding. No, not kidding. But then, what the fuck? People start pouring in, telling me how great I am, when I know you just talked to them all? So, like, you praised me to them? So you were a jerk why? To balance things out? Fuck that.

    I can't deal. I'm out.

By patrick on Thursday, September 20, 2001 - 05:59 pm:

    awww Spider....

    I love you.


    I've always been fond of you...think about you alot when im not here.

    Your words here make me think of Nico.

    Nico, much like yourself, is just too sensitive for her own good. Its never anything anyone could be blamed for, if anything, you remind the rest of us insensitive creeps of things we so easily overlook.

    I'll give you a good example...(sharing someone's misery to align themselves?)

    Last week at her office, she was in the elevator and onboard was a couple who happened to be lost. They were looking for so and so office. She helped them, literally by walking with them, getting off on some other floor than hers. Well one thing led to another and they all three ended up on a rat race. She was determined to help them find their way.

    Then the couple got to the parking garage, under her escort, and realized they forgot to stamp the god damn ticket. Nico uses her pass to lead them they go "we'll never forget your kindness they say" well Nico turns the car around to come back in, shes taken nearly 1/2 of her time to help strangers find their way. She uses her keycard to get back in, parks, goes about her work.

    Here's the kicker...when she leaves that night, her key card doesnt work, to let her out the gate. The guy says "well it registers you left, but never came back" She says...we'll CLEARLY I CAME BACK, can you please open the gate. He says she has to pay the full daily rate. She's like "I pay $130/month to avoid the daily rate sir, here is my key card, here is my business card, clearly i work here and your automatic machine malfucntioned." The guy refused, made her pay, took her key card, thereby forcing her to go to god damn Parking office the next morning to get her key card back!!! She's even brought the parking guys doughnuts in the morning, because they used to reserve her a space by the elevator. Kindness kindness kindness and this dumb fucking lug wouldnt even let her out.

    All that shit for what!!!!!

    She broke down when she came home. "Why should i ever bother being kind???"

    (sorry that was all winded)

    Point being...sometimes you should put your foot down. Nico is often psychologist to our friends, rather, girlfriends all the time to. When she needs them, are they there? Never.

    She takes this terribly hard, and im afraid it could potentially make her bitter and jaded.

    Its a shame the sensitive ones are usually the first to get walked on and taken advantage of. Rather they should be treasured for their dear dear souls, and the benefits we reap from them.

    People are assholes spider.

    Go ahead, drink a 3rd.

By Margret on Thursday, September 20, 2001 - 06:02 pm:

    Wait, did I miss something? How did your boss humiliate you in front of your whole department?

By Margret on Thursday, September 20, 2001 - 06:04 pm:

    And another question, clearly demonstrating exactly how far my head is up my ass: aren't you supposed to be in grad. school this year?

By Nigel Tufnel on Thursday, September 20, 2001 - 06:11 pm:

    My TV goes up to 11. It's one louder, isn't it? It's not ten. You see, most blokes, you know, will be watching TV at ten. You're on ten here, all the way up, all the way up, all the way up, you're on ten on your TV. Where can you go from there? Where? What I do is, if I need that extra push over the cliff, you know what I do? Put it up to eleven. Eleven. One louder.

By Spider on Thursday, September 20, 2001 - 07:17 pm:

    I didn't go to grad school, Margret. I didn't think I had enough credentials to get into a good program, and I wanted to take a break from doing papers for a few years.

    About Tuesday. I am too protective of my boss (A.), and that's where my problem lies. I take him too personally, if you follow. Most people mistreat him at work because he can be pretty scatterbrained, and that kills me, because he's a great boss otherwise. Seriously, the standard tone of voice people use with him is "Annoyed and Frustrated." They're not nice to him, as a rule.

    I, on the other hand, am nice to him, and he reciprocates. I watch his kids when they come into the office...I save his ass when he could get in trouble for not being on top of things...he talks about his son (who has a cognitive disorder) with me because he knows Iím interested in developmental psychology....he occasionally does some of my work for me when he can to lighten my load....we get along real nice, you know what I'm saying? Which is why it was a shock to me when he acted like a jerk on Tuesday. And I know I'm overreacting, and he probably didn't mean any harm, but this is what happened:

    It was around 4:30. I leave every day at 4:45 and he leaves at 5:00. He can be crabby if you catch him as he's about to go home, so I figured with my 1/2 hour buffer, I was cool. But no, because he was talking to our friend D., and when A. and D. are together, A. gets kind of weird -- he'll be real jovial and teasing, but in a very prickly, borderline-insulting way. I usually avoid talking with him when he's around D. for this reason, because he'll make fun of me to D. right in my face. (Which I don't like, but I know he's just joking around.)

    So anyway, at 4:30 I start telling A. about this big problem we've been having, and great news! I think I've come up with a very easy solution. And he gets kind of prickly (as described above) and asks me why I always bother him at the worst times, and no, for God's sake, that solution won't work...I actually thought it would? But it's like he's kidding and not kidding at the same time. I don't know how to react to this, so I decide to act like he's kidding and I try to explain myself, but he's completely dismissive, and he puts his hand on my shoulder and turns me around and tells me to come back tomorrow morning. I leave, and as I go around the corner, I hear him mimicking me to D. The area we were in at the time was the communal work area, and the ladies in my department had to witness this.

    Which arguably wasn't all that bad, but he never acts like that, ever. He's never that condescending, to anyone, let alone me. I'm very good at what I do. And goddammit, my solution worked. I did it anyway, without seeing him about it on Wednesday morning. It worked.

    And yes, I'm still kind of pissed that he's not given me the report he promised me last Friday just because he doesn't feel like doing it, and I've got people calling me up every day begging for it, and I nagged him twice about it already and he still hasn't done it, and it makes me look bad to our clients because I'm the one they think it's coming from, and I told him that and he STILL didn't do it. Yes, I'm mad about that.

    I'm mad that I allowed myself to feel so embarrassed, when I should have just brushed it off. I hate that. I hate it when I have those sudden self-reflective moments and it appears to me like I'm a ridiculous little girl daring to talk to a big powerful man. He's not big and powerful and I'm not ridiculous. Dammit. I get excited about things because I have to, because in all honesty my job is so boring that I have to make it into a puzzle or game in order to find the will to come in every morning. At least I have options. I'm not stuck here.


    God bless you if you read that whole thing.

By Spider on Thursday, September 20, 2001 - 07:38 pm:

    Patrick, I would have reacted just the way Nico did.

    One thing that usually helps me is to think that I can't control how other people act, I can only control myself. So if I'm nice to you, and you're a jerk, I tell myself that it doesn't matter. What matters is that *I* was good, that *I* did the right/kind/compassionate thing.

    It's like turning the other cheek, but with your attitude. You're mean to me? I'll be even nicer to you. Kill them with kindness, my grandfather always said.

    Which is why I'm down on myself now, because I wasn't able to be nice to A. today. I knew I was going to take tomorrow off, so I thought that I should see him and have a positive exchange with him before the weekend, so that I wouldn't be stewing about this for the next three days.

    But when I went into his office, I was really curt with him. I couldn't even look him in the face. I wanted to, but I couldn't. This was our whole conversation:

    Me: I'll be out tomorrow, so please send the report I asked you to do last week to Bill and copy Pam on the email.

    A.: I don't know if I'll be in tomorrow, either. *sniff* (he's got allergies)

    R.: [ignoring him] Do you have any questions? No? Good.

    And I walked out. So much for being nice.

By Spider on Thursday, September 20, 2001 - 07:42 pm:

    Um, R. is me in that dialogue.

    I'm not going to think about this again until Monday. I need to relax.

By agatha on Thursday, September 20, 2001 - 09:48 pm:

    on monday, once you are rested and grounded, please do me a favor and tell your boss straight up that it makes you really upset and embarrassed when he mocks you like that in front of D. you will feel better, once you get over the initial embarrassment of the thing. if you can't tell him to his face, send him an email. keep it really simple and let it sit on its' own for him to digest awhile. you've got to tell him, or it will bother you for a long time if not forever.

By Czarina on Thursday, September 20, 2001 - 11:18 pm:

    I completely agree with Agatha.That would have hurt my feelings,too.

    Isn't this the guy that you would kinda be interested in,if he wasn't married?Kind of a light flirtation type thing?You've always described him as a really sweet person,so maybe he's under extra stress.Which still doesn't excuse his behavior.

    You could do what I do,when I'm upset with the doc I work with.[although,admittedly,it adds extra stress]I avoid him.Won't take any phone calls from him.Any person to person interaction that would ordinarily take place between us,I delegate to someone else.If I answer the phone,and it happens to be him,before he can say anything,I'll say "hold please,let me get Tracey"[a co-worker].My point usually gets across relatively quickly.He'll confront me "Are you avoiding me?"
    "Why,yes I am.How perceptive of you.Excuse me,I have to go give so and so their medicine."

    Then my co-workers pester me,till I go talk to him,cause they get tired of him being in a pissy mood.He and I generally have a very good working/friendly relationship,so I can get away with this.Friends don't like to be snubbed.

By Spider on Friday, September 21, 2001 - 10:44 am:

    Agatha: I'll try to do that Monday morning. I agree that that's a good thing for me to do.

    Czarina: Yes, it's the same guy. I did avoid him completely on Wednesday and Thursday, because I knew I wouldn't be able to refrain from being snotty to him. I didn't see him yesterday until 4.

    He *has* been under a lot of stress. Also, as you can see from the email I posted way up there, and from the fact that several of our colleagues thanked me for my work on Wednesday (and on Tuesday A. had had a big meeting with our colleagues, but not me, about the project I'm working on), that I know he said good things about me to everyone.

    I think, at bottom, it bugs me that I do quite a bit to prevent him from getting piled on, by others and by a big work load, and my efforts go unacknowledged (at least to my face). Then again, there was one time when I had done something that helped him a lot, and (as I was talking to D. in my office), he came in and apologized for making me do that task and thanked me. He seemed very embarrassed, and when he left D. said, "Whoa, that's amazing. He never apologizes to anyone."

    Maybe he thinks I make him look bad to himself, or something. Maybe I'm like a reminder of what he's unable to do, namely, help people when they need it.

    I'm not angry anymore. I feel sorry for him. If he's in on Monday, I'll be able to talk to him calmly.

    I'll also do my best to avoid talking to him when D. is around.

    I'm at home now. My mental health has returned.

By Spider on Friday, September 21, 2001 - 10:47 am:

    PS. Thank you all for being nice to me, instead of telling me to grow up, get a spine, etc. Thanks, Patrick, for saying you love me. :)

By patrick on Friday, September 21, 2001 - 01:18 pm:

    so like um you know.....any chance of a scandelous and soapy love affair?

    just checking.

By Spider on Friday, September 21, 2001 - 01:28 pm:

    Between you and me? I'm trying to stay away from married men, remember? :)

By patrick on Friday, September 21, 2001 - 01:47 pm:


    you and HIM!!!!!!!

By Spider on Friday, September 21, 2001 - 02:07 pm:

    Hee hee!

    Naw, man. Mortal sin and all that...

    Hey, you know that sweet boy I told you about a couple weeks ago? The astronomer? He's a bailer. He's the king of bailers. I like him still, but I can't be involved with someone who is that unreliable. I would worry that he didn't really like me the entire time I'd be with him. Forget that.


    Nothing's ever simple, is it?

By Spider on Friday, September 21, 2001 - 02:13 pm:

    Now playing:

    I know so many people who think they can do it alone
    They isolate their heads and stay in their saftey zones

    Now what can you tell them
    And what can you say that won't make them defensive

    Hang on to your ego
    Hang on, but I know that you're gonna lose the fight

    They come on like their peaceful
    But inside they're so uptight
    They trip through the day
    And waste all their thoughts at night

    Now how can I say it
    And how can I come on
    When I know I'm guilty

    Hang on to your ego
    Hang on, but I know that you're gonna lose the fight

    Now how can I say it
    And how can I come on
    When I know I'm guilty

    So hang on to your ego
    Hang on, but I know that you're gonna lose the fight

By patrick on Friday, September 21, 2001 - 08:50 pm:


    flakes suck indeed.

    we havent plenty of them here.

By Spider on Monday, September 24, 2001 - 10:51 am:

    Well, it's Monday morning, and I'm at work with a horrible stuffy nose and my boss is working at home this week so he can watch his kids.

    I've spoken to him on the phone twice already, and things are okay again. I didn't think it would be a good idea to talk about last week, except I did tell him that my solution for last week's problem worked. He didn't sound enthusiastic.

    My sinuses are clicking and popping. This is awful.

By patrick on Monday, September 24, 2001 - 11:56 am:

    i had such a crazy weekend.

By Spider on Monday, September 24, 2001 - 12:06 pm:

    So....tell us about it.

By patrick on Monday, September 24, 2001 - 12:51 pm:

    hmm, probably not as interesting to you folks....but ok.

    Friday, visited with a friend who literally decided to leave his home state of Texas to come back CA with his newlywed wife....his fate was literally decided by a coin toss in the hillside of Texas, somewhere between El Paso and Houston.
    Got drunk with him, minded my anti-Bush rhetoric and listened to Johnny Cash, Johnny Paycheck, the like.

    Saturday, we went to this punkrock/arts fest in teh downtown arts district, which neighbors the toy district. saw some bands, picked off some pictures, drank some beer and smoked some pot in the shadows of downtown LA.

    Early Sat evening, left the festival and went to a friends birthday party. Nearly running over a little puppy. A cute little mutt that was either thrown from the SUV in font of us, or was very LUCKILY sucked under the SUV and narrowly missed every tire. AS I was skidding and turning to the right, it all happened in slow motion, he was inches from my bumper, i could see the fright in his little eyes, as he scurried, dodging my car and off to the side of the road. Too close.

    HAd drink and dinner at the birthday party. Decided to head home early. Myself, my wife and my buddy Chris who had been with us all afternoon.

    Taking the long way through the Silverlake hills and seeing the views and sorta getting lost, we realized we were on Joel's street. Joel is a madman, Alpha male #1, bachelor extraordinare. And he always has drugs. Nights with Joel are always benders, THEY JUST ARE! Just as we realize we are on his street, we get to his house low and behold who is backing out, with some hot blonde, in his 60s convertible Impala...but mister Joel. He's literally blocking our path. It was destiny i suppose. He said park the car and get in. Crusing sunset in the back of the convertable, he has a very nice stereo system. The exhiliration of sucking in the air at 35 mph, some Beck song bouncing, and girls whooopin and hollerin, like we were in highschool again.

    So we head to one bar....have a few drinks, head to another bar, we dance some and have some more drinks, then we head to some other house in Hollywood, the girls are wanting something to do, in terms of narcotics. This hungarian chap has X. Im beat and exhausted. He warns its extremely potent, so we all share one pill, crushing and snorting.

    I get sooooo sick, its absolutely loaded with heroin. I throw up.

    Im laying on the floor and some dude gives me a massage.

    Its 3:30, my back feels great, my body feels great, but my head is splitting from nearly 12 hours of drinking and smoking.

    I call a cab, head home.

    That was the insane part of my weekend.

    That shit that made me puke. And Im never the one to get sick, ever.

    See.... not very interesting if you werent there.

By sarah on Tuesday, August 13, 2002 - 01:49 am:

    actually, nobody loves me. at least not the person who is supposed to have loved me.

    so, let's see... to recap the past few weeks.

    i move to a new location. from an old apartment to an old house in north central. fuckhead promises to help me weeks in advance, hours in advance, but never shows up. i end up moving everytying by myself with no help from anyone at all, while fuckhead sits at a bar and then another bar with friends and gets drunk. and call my house a million times trying to offer some "reasonable explanation" for why he's at a bar getting drunk instead of helping me move as promised.

    ask me how i moved a couch and a desk and a bed and an antique oak dresser ALL BY MYSELF. go ahead, I FUCKING DARE YOU, MOTHERFUCKERS.

    so i had a key to his house. my cats were still staying there, that's why. after i moved i went there to see what he was doing, just to find out where all of this was going. he wasn't home, naturally. i called again and he was still out, at yet another bar. he didn't drive over, he didn't take a cab, he didnt' do anything a semi-decent human being would do, knowing that the person who moved to your town and gave up everything to be with you needed your help, you were her only friend, the only one she could ask for help moving. she busted you but still you didn't help, you didn't take a cab, you didn't drive over, you left her alone to move everything she owns to another house in another part of austin when in fact she should have been moving to anywhere else, anywhere far far far away from that fuckhead.

    i tore up the garden.

    i went to his house and i tore up out of the ground every fucking plant. every tomato plant, every squash, cantelope, pepper, strawberry, cabbage, eggplant, herbs, and flowers. everything yanked up and thrown, strewn across his backyard. nothing of my nurturing should remain in his presence.

    i took a sharp kitchen knife to one of his feather pillows. white feathers flying, drifting, soaring all about his room, blanketing his bedroom floor and be in white. fuck him and his fucking comfort, his disarray, his neglect.

    i took a glass bottle of vodka and smashed it against the shed.

    i took my cats and their food and their bowls and their litter and i stole them back.

    and if i had my way, he would be dead. he wouldn't have another chance in this life to hurt anyone else. he would die and i would live and go on to travel the world and fall in love and be treated nicely, with love and respect, and there would be lots of fun and good sex and laughter and we wouldn't hurt each other ever, i would be with someone who didn't need to yell at me or shout or be mean or terse or emotionally tyrannical.

    instead now it's just me and a bottle of wine or two, a bottle of brandy, a glass of water, my kitties, and a cute little house in a lower middle class neighborhood in central texas and what the fuck am i doing here, who am i, and where do i belong??

    where do i go from here?

By Thomas Crofton Croker et. al. on Tuesday, August 13, 2002 - 05:54 am:

    After you put the wine and brandy down, just keep walking. You'd be surprised at what's out there for you. You know you deserve better, and there's nothing wrong wih a lower middle class neighborhood for a high class chick with a tape deck and camera. Just keep walking; you know you aren't alone; you've already proven that. And already proven you don't have to have -- won't settle -- for second best, let alone an abusive relationship.

    Remember, serpents never play by the rules.

By kazoointoit on Tuesday, August 13, 2002 - 08:26 am:

    Sarah, I don't know where you are going, but it sure as hell sounds like you are on your way.

By semillama on Tuesday, August 13, 2002 - 09:07 am:

    Good riddance to bad rubbish. and try nerve
    again when you feel like getting back into
    dating. I assume you are feeling not into
    dating right now, as that's how I would
    probably feel.

By Dougie on Tuesday, August 13, 2002 - 09:43 am:

    That's a shame, Sarah. Sorry to hear it.

    Ok, so how did you move a couch and a desk and a bed and an antique oak dresser all by yourself?

    Also, I can't help wondering, why don't you move back to Hawaii? From what I read, it seemed like you loved it there so much. Is that not an option?

By agatha on Tuesday, August 13, 2002 - 06:55 pm:

    She's superwoman. For real.

By eri on Tuesday, August 13, 2002 - 08:57 pm:

    I am proud of you sarah. I know that this whole thing fucking sucked, but in the end you came out the WOMAN that we all are fond of. I hope that you are finally on your path, wherever it may lead. Hopefully it will send you to San Antonio for a visit, but who knows.

    I hope you finally have the last of the closure you need. Take care of you.

By Hal on Tuesday, August 13, 2002 - 11:45 pm:

    I love you Sarah.

By Platypus on Wednesday, August 14, 2002 - 12:51 am:

    rah rah sarah!

    I love you too.

By moonit on Wednesday, August 14, 2002 - 04:00 am:

    dammit I was going to say that.

By TBone on Wednesday, August 14, 2002 - 10:19 am:

    Superwoman indeed. I can feel the power.

    You rock my socks off.

By Platypus on Wednesday, August 14, 2002 - 11:18 am:

    So *thats* why all my socks are missing.

By TBone on Wednesday, August 14, 2002 - 11:21 am:

    Sarah's the reason my brand-new socks are torn by the end of the day.

By The Dinner Lady on Wednesday, August 14, 2002 - 04:30 pm:

    My sister just mailed me some socks from Utah and they are some kind of weird Christian socks that have slogans like 'Self Worth' and 'Choice and Accountablilty' and 'Integrity' written on them. They are ugly yet hysterical.

    I'd like to make some of my friends here put them on. I dream of them having the power to stop people from making bad decisions.

    But really, they're just socks...

By Hal on Wednesday, August 14, 2002 - 04:48 pm:

    oh you people are just jeleous I got there first.

By Daniel ssssrah on Thursday, August 15, 2002 - 12:26 am:

    My socks say Smart Wool.

    I say, "Smart Wool for Smart Sarah!"


By sarah on Thursday, August 15, 2002 - 01:02 am:

    hee :) thanks you guys for being silly and making me laugh. i love all of you. you rock my socks off.

    and my socks are clean.

    i feel better.

    hawaii for thanksgiving and greece in march, that's what i'm keeping my eye on. and the pretty yellow flowers i planted on my front porch.

By sarah on Thursday, August 15, 2002 - 01:03 am:

    oh, and i've decided at the last minute that i am going to san diego this weekend. do any sorabjiites live in san diego??

By J on Thursday, August 15, 2002 - 11:29 am:

    I go there often,I was thinking of going there this month too,but I don't think I can do it this weekend on such short notice.But I know they have a big street party this time of year cause I went to it a couple of years ago saw George Clinton. Since Arizona is so close to San Diego it's a big vacation destination to us arizonans,they make fun of us like we do snowbirds, in San Diego they call us Zonies.

By FUCK ARIZONA on Saturday, July 31, 2004 - 11:02 pm:


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