kazu is way drunk....way way way way drunk

sorabji.com: Drunken Ramblings: kazu is way drunk....way way way way drunk

By kazu on Friday, May 7, 2004 - 01:05 am:

    kazu is drunk.

    oh my god, kazu never drinks. she just reads books and writes papers and frets about being a good little student, always analytical. always articulate. (i forgot how hard it is to type when you've had a bottle of wine).

    anyway, kazu is drunk and because she doesn't care....

    kazu thought of eva tonight when she had a baby moment. yay for patrick and nico, kazu hopes to be a happy mommy someday, but sometimes she's not sure if it's going to happen. patrick, some day we will be in either atlanta or LA together.

    (kazu drank a bottle of red ladybug organic wine)

    okay. kazu misses pezlapis. and spunkems. and ophelia. hal. come back. i hope you're having a good time.


    (i feel like I should be leaving the typos so you'll actually believe that I am drunk)

    kazu misses eri and is glad she's been checking in from time to time

    kazu loves heather and thinks they would have a good time venting about annoying things like, annoying things, together

    kazu loves sarah for all the wonderful things she's said. I will inflict LARGE amounts of pain to anyone who fucks up in the sarah world. sarah.

    kazu thinks dave. and agatha are the shitkicking shits who rock the party. damn. send cleo to whatever college I am teaching at.

    kazu wants Rowlfe. and wisper to move in downstairs (it is REALLY REALLY HARD TO TYPE) so they can play the coolest music in the world all day long. and paint me pictures. (i pay, not a lot, but i do).

    Tbone. Tbone. Tbone. are you still the geek you proclaim to be? Sweet. Tbone.

    SPIDER!?!?!?!?!?!? some day we will meet and have a lovely dinner of intellectual discussions of being Catholic (and formally so), great novelists like William Faulkner and generally having fun, dropping notes about good grammar and tear jerking prose.

    J. you've brought so much happiness and joy to my life. just knowing that you exist in the world (yes, there is a little tear welling up). Your sense of humor, ability to access the absurd and the sincere in everything all at once. I want nothing but utter sweetness for you. always know you can write or call if there is anything I can do. so many times have I called upon a joke or a story you've told and it's brightened my day.

    (now I am crying. no more ladybug wine for me).

    Antigone. so smart. you might be the male version of me in one of my past lives. I don't know. thank you for the brass. give my love to little zachary.

    jack, i know you're sarah's, but we be good friends us, yo?

    mooontit. i have something for YOU. it goes in the mail tomorrow. New Zealand is on my list of places to go, all because of you. Come to the US please, I'll go wherever you be in this country.

    Dougie. silly, fishing, classical music loving, someday soon will be a daddy man. yes, you make me laugh.

    I know there is more. I confuse who I've actually spoken with to people I've read about.

    cyst you tell good stories. Cat, come back you s**y beast and entertain us. dani. watcher. v.v.

    (i've got a full on cry now)

    I am so shitfaced. damn. I feel like an undergrad again.

    ok, if I've forgotten anyone, I'm an ass. but i'm really drunk and spent way more time than anyone should spend on a drunk post.


    (okay...*deep breath* here goes...)

By dave. on Friday, May 7, 2004 - 01:38 am:


By wisper on Friday, May 7, 2004 - 01:51 am:

    awww, dude ;)

By V.v. on Friday, May 7, 2004 - 05:34 am:

    kazu, the worst bit is the next day,when you look at the screen and think, "Christ,did I write that?"

By TBone on Friday, May 7, 2004 - 11:45 am:

    Well, I hope she doesn't feel bad about it.

    Kazu rocks it.

By patrick on Friday, May 7, 2004 - 12:40 pm:

    heh. awwwwww

    ladybug organic wine sounds (and reads) nice.

By The Watcher on Friday, May 7, 2004 - 01:05 pm:

    Have a good rest today.

    You obviously needed a good drunk. So, I hope you are not hung over today.

By sarah on Friday, May 7, 2004 - 01:05 pm:

    yay kazu! you go girl.

    p.s. heather is also mine.

By heather on Friday, May 7, 2004 - 01:07 pm:


By J on Friday, May 7, 2004 - 03:47 pm:

    Bless you Kazu,you made my day:)

By Gee on Friday, May 7, 2004 - 08:36 pm:

    that was the cutest thing ever.

By jack on Friday, May 7, 2004 - 09:38 pm:

    wow. as i made the call i feel i should commment. great drunken post. hope today wasn't too painful.

    and now it's the weekend! party on, zu!

    whoa. i'm sarah's? just like that? me and heater?
    i'm not exactly complaining, mind you, but that sounds to me like it could be......witchcraft....that crazy witchcraft. i know it's strictly taboo, but am i out of line here or what?

    a toast to kazu/there's no one like you!

By agatha on Friday, May 7, 2004 - 11:14 pm:

    I'm honored. Truly.

By Dani on Saturday, May 8, 2004 - 12:59 am:

    Kazu is a TRIP!!!I'm also truly honered to have been mentioned...Rock on, Sister.
    I need a good drunk like that real SOOOOOOON.

By kazu on Saturday, May 8, 2004 - 01:32 am:

    Gee! I'm sorry I forgot you. And Platypus. And Skooter.

    Thanks guys.

    Today I was not hungover, just tired. No aches and pains.

    The wine was really really good. I highly recommend it. Some kind of organic red table wine with ladybugs on the label. Ladybugs.

By dave. on Saturday, May 8, 2004 - 01:45 am:

    pssst. you left out semillama.

By kazu on Saturday, May 8, 2004 - 02:25 pm:

    he never liked me anyway.

By moonit on Monday, May 10, 2004 - 02:35 am:

    Kazu, so funny. So cute. The Pandyr has a friend in Hawaii. I am trying to convice him that this would cease my whining about getting to the US if we could just get there and I would not make him go to any other city (hahaha NOT), I think he is thinking of it, as Al is very cool, and once blew up a fence as he likes to make bombs. Not that this has anything to do with why we like him, and I'm rambling, its the lack of sleep. I had a shit weekend in Auckland with my best friend, so its nice to come here and read something that made me smile :)

By Nate on Tuesday, May 11, 2004 - 10:43 pm:

    Booker Noe is a master distiller, grandson of Jim Beam. He has the head of a match; he has a big, round, bald, pink head; he has a head like an easter egg point down in a rose glass egg cup. He's a big waisted southern guy with a raspy bourbon drinking voice and a straight line smile and the idea that a plaid short sleeve button up would look good under that leather vest.

    Booker makes this small batch, single barrel, unfiltered bourbon. The only unfiltered bourbon you can buy, so says Booker Noe. Dark brown like weak coffee and variable age, variable proof. Depends on what it is when it's ready, so says Booker Noe. This bottle is 8 yrs 5 mo and 126.8 proof.

    "The respectful amount of bourbon to pour in a glass is about two finger's worth. Lucky for me, I have big fingers." so says Booker Noe. I imagine his fingers like pale pink carrots; like writhing, hairless, new born mammals.

    I see my fingers are older than I remember them and not particularly thick and certainly that doesn't matter because I can pour without repect to what is respectful in the mind of some flesh lump dressed and walking. Even if he is a master distiller. Even if he times his bourbon spectacularly. I pour what pours and then splash a bit from my water glass. I'm not ashamed; I don't need to prove myself with my liquor and I enjoy it more when it is cut just slightly. My throat doesn't dry out as the bourbon shuffles downward in a curtain of mist.

    i'm deeply fond of these sorabjiites. I read that patty is going to hit 5 years and I wonder to myself where that puts the old salts. Not to imply that the new guns are any less sorabjiites, or that I'm any less fond of them.

    but now i'm thinking, i've known some of you for nearly a decade. a fucking decade. in capitals, except i don't feel up to being abnoxious. it's coming, for some reason i don't want to do the math, i won't do the math, but i came here a few years ahead of patty at least. i mean, does patty remember smoke? does




    mean anything



    and there was the time before me, some of you are from there. from that happy place that i never figured out. the great one certainly, and others. i always assume everyone who was there when i got there. who i noticed in my first deep breath of the place. i assume they were born in the grain of the wood, that they'd arrived with the flat stones, that they were poured with the foundation.

    there are these epochs of existence for me. the before, then my virgin years. when i saw gods around every corner. when the swine was still blind and sorabji moved among us. when i'd drink myself into a piss and unhook myself from something soft and squint at the black and white and yellow. your cyan names.

    something about this place brought out the arrogant asshole sonofabitch in me. it started here and seeped into my real life. all around me i'm getting tastes of new things and the drugs are finding me and i am reaching out and touching and being touched and it all fills me and overflows overflows

    this electric burn that makes you twitch and tighten and look around to see who was watching. to see if anyone heard or if you even said that outloud. this absence that drops behind your eyes and unhooks your mouth from your mind like a the pop of an A cup brastrap and you're saying everything you knew you shouldn't you knew you shouldn't but your words are coming and suddenly it's out and you've nothing to do but deal with the consequences.

    learnt here, learnt with the recursive safety net of Preview/Post, learnt and ignored and bled over into real life.

    i have this theory, part of my innate paranoia, perhaps, innate, ignore the origins, ignore the culpability and the contaminiation and the perchant for sin. i have this theory that when i arrive it cut the gums of a handful and fouled their sweet spit with acrid blood and caused their eyes to darken and something small, i'm not so selfcruel to think large, something small and good and happy to die, to be entombed in rough black bark, to be smothered and watched in ashes drifting to the ground.

    just a theory.

    and then we got nemisis after nemisis, and then the waffle boy, nemisis at first. any intruder, any threat to society, any drift from the status quo. the fuck you, you ass, we've been burned before, pages and pages of worthless venom, pages and pages.

    then trace, say, to bump patrick off piss boy, we continue on.

    and on

    and v.v.

    and someday will v.v. been endeared upon us? it's already begun, hasn't it. maybe our new piss boy is here.

    kazu, you had it so fucking easy. and so it should be, without any disrespect to those who had to earn their stripes. and not to say there wasn't any stripe earning by kazu, who knows what is unseen, what is unintended and felt otherwise, what is intended and unheard. who knows.

    i'm deeply fond of you sorabjiites. especially the ones who i secretly believe have written me off as a cancer stain, a worthless evil, a root of nothing good. not especially, but with a special eye, a special room in my heart.

    that is the nature of my sickness.

    i'm drunk and the roommates are home and it is Berkeley and beautiful, blue skies and warm air and the shadows of tree branches cast on sunlit bark make me shiver.

    it's coming up on a decade. a fucking decade. i don't know if it is two years or one year or this year. i don't know who here has already crossed the line. i don't know fucking anything.

    isn't it wonderful?

By agatha on Tuesday, May 11, 2004 - 10:50 pm:

    I really miss smoke. That was great.

By Nate on Tuesday, May 11, 2004 - 11:09 pm:

    and a few more things:

    whenever someone puts ten ! after my name it makes me feel so happy.

    whoever broke me from the ... excessive use of ... elipses, goddamn thank you goddamn. i don't know who it was but i know it was here.

    there are three women here who have have hugely impacted my self confidence in writing. you know who you are, i'm certain of it, and if you don't, assume you do. and don't try guessing the other two.

    mark thomas you've put a fear in me. i won't explain it in any more detail than to say i'm not sure it is a bad thing.

    sem, you are the nice guy ruler i measure myself against. i spent about five minutes trying to word that right. i hope it makes sense, because that's the best i can do.

    tiggy, your claim of a small dick has never left my mind. who knows why. i'm embarassed i even know you. you sorry, ratfucking sack of shit. i hope that makes sense.

    patty, i don't know why you got that brother spot in my ribcage, but you did. a lot of good that did, i haven't even met your kid. maybe this summer.

    and on and on.

By Nate on Tuesday, May 11, 2004 - 11:26 pm:

By Spider on Tuesday, May 11, 2004 - 11:47 pm:

    Can I have a turn? I'm not drunk but I should be.

    Not to rain on your parade or anything. but I'm not feeling the love, tonight or any night.

    I don't know what happened to me. For a long while I was a happy person, and I was light and cheerful, and I wrote a lot, I wrote poetry. I had been so bitter and furious for so long, and then it lifted in a miracle, and for several years I was happy and good. But it's been gone now for a while, for about 3 or 4 years, and I don't know why or how it went away.

    Maybe it went away when my parents split up. I can't remember now.

    I remember when I thought if only I could get rid of one problem, if I could stop doing one thing, then I would be really good and whole and spotless. And now I *have* stopped doing that one thing, and I see I am so far from spotless it's ridiculous. I feel so hard and dry inside.

    Who knew being called hard-hearted would hurt so much?

    I don't know what to say except that I really don't like this world, which sucks because there's no other world to live in. I hate people. I hate. I don't understand how people can believe that most people are basically good and are trying the best they can, when that is patently not true. Most people don't give a shit about anyone except themselves. Most people are brain dead and soulless. This is true. This is known.

    I don't understand how people who should know better can perpetrate acts of great evil and not care and not get punished. Catholic bishops in Rome helped hundreds of Nazi war criminals escape justice after the war, and what happened to them? Were they caught and punished? Did their consciences bother them? How is it that they, fucking bishops, can allow themselves to do that, and I sit here having fucking panic attacks because I worry that my soul will be lost because I think about sex too much? How is that? You'd think God would prevent evil soulless people from becoming His representatives on earth, wouldn't you? I would. They're supposed to be Christ on earth, so how is it that they don't all get into car accidents before their ordination or something? I don't even pray every day, and I can tell when I'm doing something contrary to God's will, so how is it that men who purportedly devote their lives to God and are supposed to be sensitive to his voice can't tell or refuse to stop when they do something wrong?

    How is it that Joseph Mengele can die of old age and good people like Nick Berg die horrific deaths when they're young and full of life and goodness?

    I don't understand how people can look Satan in the face and not blink. I don't understand how people can look at those pictures of Iraqis being pissed on and debased, and make excuses, or think that that is anything less than absolute revolting evil. Are they so far damned to think that's okay? Was Dante right, are their souls in hell already and are demons living in their bodies right now?

    What can I do?

By wisper on Wednesday, May 12, 2004 - 12:46 am:

    nobody told me Mark was writing stories again.

    and smoke only worked for me once. For 5 tiny, shiny minutes i talked to Mark, alone.
    I asked him if New York really did smell bad, like everyone says.

    Then it crashed.

By dave. on Wednesday, May 12, 2004 - 12:54 am:

    i dunno, spider.

    i don't like this world, either.

By moonit on Wednesday, May 12, 2004 - 02:32 am:

    What I love about Sorabji, is that on the front of the message board page, there is a thread I started in 1998. But I think I had been coming here since about 1996, but was far to scared of the 'mericans to post anything. I think I used to *lol* with everyone. Now, that really fucking annoys me.

    In other moonit news, my friends Jamie and Lesley are talking about getting married in Vegas 2006. I'm bloody going if they are, and I expect you all to come. There's nothing like pissed kiwis.

By semillama on Wednesday, May 12, 2004 - 10:29 am:

    Sorabjifest Vegas 2006? sounds like a plan.

    "Was Dante right, are their souls in hell already and are demons living in their bodies right now? "

    YES. That makes so much sense.

    Spider, go see "Kitchen Stories" - Kazu and I saw it last night and I knew that it was a movie you would enjoy, and I think it would help you feel better too.

By patrick on Wednesday, May 12, 2004 - 12:13 pm:

    spider, our fears, angst and general nausea at the view from the bay window are more similar than I ever thought.

    all i can suggest is that you move away from the window and not spend so much time peering out. im trying, unsuccessfully myself.

    i thought i was going to boil over at the news yesterday, regarding Nick Berg.

    Thats two under the current administration.

    *blink blink*

    im trying to not think about it as much because it will eat me up.

    i wish i knew you more.

By patrick on Wednesday, May 12, 2004 - 12:16 pm:

    and nate, i do need a copy of your manuscript.

    i've just been afraid to ask because i didnt want it to end up like the other 6 books on my desk that have bookmarks in the middle. not that they are bad books, but my time. Where is it? I feel its something that warrants direct and uninterrupted attention. sound gay? maybe. but i want to read it and I will read it. and i need to know how to get it.

    eva said 'dahhy' for the first time in recent days.

    considering 'cat' was her first word, im suspecting 'nate' wouldnt be too difficult for her.

By J on Wednesday, May 12, 2004 - 12:48 pm:

By sarah on Wednesday, May 12, 2004 - 02:43 pm:

    smoke was pure magic.

    because it was secret, given only to the chosen few.

    because it was technologically new and awkward.

    because we could see each other and all be in the same room at the same time. there was dialogue.

    because you never knew who was going to walk in the door at any given time - and what you might get caught saying to whom.

    the difference between the old salts and the new guns isn't determined by time. it's this: the old salts are the ones who were here when the great one was accessible and real, when he walked and talked among us, when he shouted obscenities at us and showed us his hidden photos. when he answered email. when he was still curious about the internet. when he pulled us close, but never too close, before suddenly shoving us away. and then pulling us close again. then shoving.

    the black and white and yellow allowed me to pretend. it allowed me to try on different personalities. i was always so much more dramatic and glamorous back then. i could show the very worst parts of myself. so self absorbed. thank you for putting up with me. i could pour my heart out and say things i really thought and felt but would never admit in any other context. if anyone from my life today ever read all those things i posted so long ago, i would have a lot of explaining to do.

    in a sense, none of it was true.

    i don't miss those who've gone away or who are hiding. their disinterest or arrogance or forgetfulness means nothing to me. if they let something, anything, get between them and the magic and sacrid appeal of sorabjiland, then good riddance.

    except sheila. always.

    sheila, like mark: omnipresent.

    i know why kazoointoit had it easy. for one, she had a coach. but also she did a lot of reading before jumping in. those who have it easy, they read and they read between the lines. those who don't read first rarely last more than a working week - even if we permitted it. those who don't read between the lines will never get it, even if they stick around.

    i was slightly drunk last night. i made frozen pina coladas at home, alone, while i baked my great grandmother's honey cake. when i finished the pitcher i was wishing i had a computer at home like i used to. i wanted to sit and write to you all about... about so many things.

    the mystery of time. the bond.

    i've known most of you for a very long time.

    you all were right about everything, each and every time. and i can't list names, it would be impossible. but each of you are very unique and special to me, deep down, to the very core of my soul and psyche. i owe all of you more than i could ever put down in black and white and yellow. i tried to explain you all to senor not too long ago. it was impossible. it's a show about nothing, is what i ended up saying.

By sarah on Wednesday, May 12, 2004 - 02:50 pm:

    Grandma Ri's Honey Cake


    3 cups flour
    1/2 cup white sugar
    1 tea baking powder
    1 tea baking soda
    1/2 tea salt
    3/4 cup vegetable oil
    1/2 cup brown sugar
    1 cup honey (or more)
    3 eggs
    1 cups strong black coffee
    juice of 1/2 lemon plus grated lemon rind

    Combine first 5 ingredients in one bowl. Combine next 4 ingredients in another bowl using electrix mixer. Add dry to wet until just combined. Mix in coffee and lemon stuff.

    Bake in a greased 9x9x11 pan at 350 degrees for 45-70 minutes.

By patrick on Wednesday, May 12, 2004 - 03:06 pm:

    what was smoke?

    clearly i wasnt one of the chosen few.

    maybe it was before my time.

By Antigone on Wednesday, May 12, 2004 - 03:12 pm:

    Nate, your google link went back to this sorabji thread, which was your intention I guess.

    The funny thing is that the guy who inspired much of that, my freshman year college roommate, has been on my mind this past week. After not hearing from him for a while I found out that he's in Iraq now, has been for the past three months, and will be for another nine. (Army)

    Anyway, I've got a lot to say, but I want to take some time to collect it all. I'll just zip out some quick thoughts.

    kazu, thanks! I found your words to be the highest of complements coming from an intellectual of your stature.

    Nate, you nipple twister, you made me laugh in the way I surely will an instant before my death. I hope that makes sense.

    And, Rhiannon.... It's terrible to lose innocence, and it sounds like the last gasp of it has left you. You've gone farther than most ever do. Don't stop. Instead of just loving the world innocently, now you can learn to love the world with wisdom. The former is beautiful, but the latter is extraordinary. You can do it. Don't give up.

By semillama on Wednesday, May 12, 2004 - 05:04 pm:

    You saps :)

    Kazu didn't have a coach, she figured it out on her own self.

    (the sorabji boards is responsible to a very large degree for putting us together - heck probably completely responsible.)

    how about that?

    I'd gush and stuff but I'm at work and it's piling up around my ears. Besides, I think i've done that already somewheres.

    maybe later.

By wisper on Wednesday, May 12, 2004 - 06:17 pm:

    on boy Anti, i use that x-mas list thread whenever i need a good subject line for an email.

    A quick search tells me that I've used my favorite, "Ben Affleck in crushed tablet form", no less than 7 times.

By agatha on Wednesday, May 12, 2004 - 10:28 pm:

    I think that thread was so great that all were mostly afraid to add to it, as though they didn't want to disturb the essence of what was already there.

    I would get sappy too, but I don't have time right now.

    I miss Mark.

By V.v. on Wednesday, May 12, 2004 - 10:51 pm:

    KAZU, What a sweet person you are,i got a mention allready!!!...kiss,kiss. :)

By heather on Thursday, May 13, 2004 - 04:21 am:

    nate is the reason i live in california.

    mark played scrabble with me even though i cheated. mark taught me how to be a champion scrabble player in three easy lessons. now i don't have to cheat and i will kick your ass!

    sarah made me want to share more of myself, she is an amazing kind of fearless.

By Gee on Thursday, May 13, 2004 - 11:37 am:

    this is nice.

    it's a beautiful day outside. I wish I were out with the screaming kids, instead of inside a moderately sized office avoiding actual work.

By TBone on Thursday, May 13, 2004 - 01:28 pm:

    I remember when people talked of scrabble and made oblique references to the smoke thing. I asked about it once and I think the answer was "HA!".

    I'm not very good at gushing, so I'll be awkward instead. Stick with what you know.

    My sense of time is so bent and crooked that I can't make myself believe how long I've been in and out and around these boards. I feel like several completely different people have inhabited my body in that time, but if I look back at even my earliest postings, I do recognize a little of myself. So perhaps not all is lost. Or maybe I just haven't escaped, after all.

    Do any of you remember my melodrama back in High School? I think it took a long time for me to 'get' this place. To varying degrees, I've always had an inferiority complex in the context of Sorabji.com. It wasn't helped by my inability to follow people's lives and changes in handles, or to separate certain people in my mind. I wish I could remember.

    My last long hiatus was dangerously close to being permanent, but this won me back so hard it made my eyes squirt. Thank you. Why was I hiatusing? Because I got my feelings hurt. In other words, I was being stupid and should have known better. It's probably because nate has always been my favorite that I let his offhand comment get to me. Of course, he was right, too. Stupid political threads.

    You guys were the best thing ever in the lonely first year of college. You guys are the best ever. I want to send you all presents. Especially Mark Thomas.

    I feel like I grew up here.

    I really liked meating (meeting. meat space.) Agatha and dave. and the family. I'd like to try again sometime. Maybe I won't be so weird. I enjoyed Pez's visit too. I'd like to meet more of you. The times I've recieved mail from you have been like Christmas. Seeing real, physical evidence of your existence is like magic.

    I worship you. All of you. Well, maybe not worship. That sounds creepy. But I like you all a hell of a lot. You're my pals. I want the best things to happen to you.

    God, I'm hungry.

    To recap, thanks for everything, folks. You're the greatest.

By patrick on Thursday, May 13, 2004 - 02:39 pm:

    no way. for reals?

By TBone on Thursday, May 13, 2004 - 02:53 pm:


By patrick on Thursday, May 13, 2004 - 02:56 pm:

By patrick on Thursday, May 13, 2004 - 03:10 pm:

    "My last long hiatus was dangerously close to being permanent, but this won me back so hard it made my eyes squirt."

By TBone on Thursday, May 13, 2004 - 03:33 pm:

    Sure. I'm easily flattered. I eat that stuff up.

    I was referring to the part where moonit started the "who missed TBone" roll-call, not your having a child. Though I was sorry to have been hiatused when that happened.

    My eyes didn't literally squirt, but I was lonely and angry and sad, and it was really nice to hear that I was missed. That, and I've always had to fight down this illogical belief that nobody would miss me if I were to disappear in pretty much any context.

    At the time, I probably couldn't have told you why I was hiatusing.

    Oy. Awkwardness quota exceeded.

By patrick on Thursday, May 13, 2004 - 03:40 pm:

    you know what, i didnt let the link you posted finish loading to moonits post. i thought my whole baby experience was what you were referring to.

    awkwardness ensues.

By Antigone on Thursday, May 13, 2004 - 03:59 pm:

    Yeah, I thought that TBone's eyes squirted because patrick squirted into nico making nico squirt out the squirt.

    awkwardness inflated.

By patrick on Thursday, May 13, 2004 - 04:04 pm:

    good one jackass.

By Kalli on Thursday, May 13, 2004 - 04:15 pm:

    You know, every once in awhile I come back here and read all your messages for a couple of days and I'll go to post about twenty times or so and then backpage because I feel kind of dumb popping in on occasion and never really making myself stay here anymore.

    Anyways, it makes me happy that all the same names are still here. I feel like I need to just check up and remind myself that things never change quite as much as daily life convinces me they do.

    Aggh. This post seems stupid too and I'm tempted to just back space this whole thing and close the window too. But I've been feeling all sentimental lately. Not sure why though I do have my theories.

    Apparently I'm not the only one. That was sweet kazu, and Nate, I didn't know you had it in you. That was sweet too.

    I got back here this time because of this post:


    Really. The kid I'd been looking for actually found me through that post. He did a search for his name, found all of that and then found me. It's had me all back in that headspace I was in back then and I'm not really feeling like me so much today.

    Anyway, I'd love to make promises that I'm gonna stay around this time but I've done it before and I know I'm full of shit. But I'll try this time. You sorabji kids have always been my favorite bunch on the intranert, and well, all of the stuff above this sorta shows why....

By patrick on Thursday, May 13, 2004 - 04:24 pm:

    good one jackass.

    hey everyone kalli is getting married! tell em where kalli. tell em tell em. these kind of events don't go untouched around here.

By Kalli on Thursday, May 13, 2004 - 04:31 pm:

    Hah. I knew you were gonna bring that up sooner or later.

    We're getting married here: http://www.poemuseum.org

    .... and then we're having a badass bbq and a couple of kegs as a backyard reception. I've got bets that my Dad passes out drunk before anyone else..

    Hell yes I know my roots.

By patrick on Thursday, May 13, 2004 - 04:44 pm:

    d00d. you're so goth it hurts.

By Kalli on Thursday, May 13, 2004 - 04:48 pm:

    Did I tell you I'm thinking about bleaching my skin and piercing all of my fingernails?

    I'm not.

    Actually, the garden at the museum is one of the purrrtiest places in Richmond. Sides, price wise it was either that or a public park. Shit be expensive yo'.

By patrick on Thursday, May 13, 2004 - 04:50 pm:

    can we just round em up? with a one-way ticket to Abu Gharib?

By Kalli on Thursday, May 13, 2004 - 04:56 pm:

    I'm so on it.

    Y'know, it's funny cuz the whole reason we're keeping this whole thing low key is to avoid stress...but I'm starting to stress anyway..even through really all it is is a big ass party.

    Why is that?

By Gee on Thursday, May 13, 2004 - 05:00 pm:

    are you marrying the guy you were looking for? Because that's romantic. Even if you're not, just tell me you are. Romance is nice.

By Kalli on Thursday, May 13, 2004 - 05:10 pm:

    Unfortunately no, but the one I'm marrying has three nipples and a cock the size of Montana.

    So you know, it's still romantic in a way.

By Dougie on Thursday, May 13, 2004 - 05:22 pm:

    I started to post a big long "what you guys mean to me thing" then deleted it. I know sarah said she didn't miss those who were hiding or had gone away -- I haven't been so much hiding as lurking. I check in as often as I can, and post once in a while, kind of like a dog pissing on a tree to say I'm here -- it's just that I haven't had that much to say in the past year. I guess it's depression on my part, due to various reasons. When I first came here, I joked around a lot, and I guess that was a way of dealing with depression, but I find that you can't run away from it forever. Booze slowly loses its power over the years to deaden the sadness inside, and I fear I'm going to have to go see somebody about it, and get on some meds. Something's gotta give. And I'm not saying this because I want to see a bunch of "hang in there" messages from everybody -- I'm saying it to let you guys know that I'm still around, and although I'm not posting as much, I'll always have a great fondness in my heart for all of you.

By TBone on Thursday, May 13, 2004 - 05:25 pm:

    Stop trying to hang in there and get some help.

By Dougie on Thursday, May 13, 2004 - 05:26 pm:

    And Kazu, thanks for starting this thread, and mentioning me so kindly. And Nate, I look forward to seeing you published real real soon.

By K on Thursday, May 13, 2004 - 05:49 pm:


    I'm one of the ones that is by my own definition, included in the Good Riddance bit of Sarah's post. And I wouldn't worry about it too much..cuz the way I see it, sometimes life takes over and it's hard to keep ranting and rambling about all of it when you don't always know what to say in the first place. That's what drove me away from here. I was too confused about what was going on with myself that how the hell could I have shared it all with a bunch of, as much as I feel I know at least one of these people well, strangers. I said earlier that I really dig seeing the same names that have been here year after year each time I come back. I really do. But I get that not everyone can show a message board such loyalty...

    So you get problems and they might go on for a few years or so, but eventually you realize your heading down a fucked path and you turn it around. As long as you do, I think that's what matters...

By Antigone on Thursday, May 13, 2004 - 05:58 pm:


    Hang in there, you fucking shitsnack.

    And get help.

    We are all rooting for you whether you want to believe it or not. You're part of the pantheon.

By Spider on Thursday, May 13, 2004 - 06:26 pm:

    Ooh, the pantheon. Sounds so...theocratic. Or something.

    You bitches know things about me that no one else on the planet knows. That's kinda scary.

    One really nice thing I've learned from this place is how to thoroughly humiliate myself and still come back. In real life I always run away after I've done something embarrassing, usually for good. But, as embarrassed over the things I've written here I've been (how's that grammar?), I always come back. And that's a good thing.

    Also, when I was in college and had no friends, I... *sniffle* ... I had you guys. It's true. Thanks for that.

By sarah on Thursday, May 13, 2004 - 07:00 pm:




By sarah on Thursday, May 13, 2004 - 07:00 pm:

    Dougie, you don't lurk. you pop in here on a very regular basis, even if it's not every week. even the regulars take weeks or months off. i'm talking about the ones who've really gone.

By Dougie on Thursday, May 13, 2004 - 08:22 pm:

    Sarah, I feel like I lurk, probably because my output here hasn't been as prodigious as it was a couple of years ago.

    Shitsnack -- that's hysterical. I read it as "snitshack" though. I'm getting lysdexic. Reminds me of my dog who loves cat poop. We call the cat litter box the "snackbox". We had to resort to using boxes with lids (Buddha boxes), but if in cleaning them out, you walk away for a minute when the lids are off, she'll be there chowing down. Fucking dog. She's a sweetheart though -- naughty as hell, but a sweetheart.

By sarah on Friday, May 14, 2004 - 11:00 am:

    and we all know your dog is named Sarah. thanks for leaving that bit out, though.

By patrick on Friday, May 14, 2004 - 01:04 pm:

    you know. i feel i'll never be able to snuggle up to the sorabji family bosom completely until...well...i see more of the sorabji family bosom.

    i mean really. less cheese, more tease.

    actually wouldnt it be fun to upload annonymous pics of naughty bit and you could you match the bit to the family memeber?

    i'd love the idea of looking at pic of a pair boobs wondering if they are spider's.

By heather on Friday, May 14, 2004 - 01:29 pm:

    like that'll ever happen

By patrick on Friday, May 14, 2004 - 01:45 pm:

    nate made the greatest effort.

    im in a tight place these days heather.

By Spider on Friday, May 14, 2004 - 03:50 pm:


By Kalliope on Friday, May 14, 2004 - 04:10 pm:

    I think I've still got some patrick sans pants photos somewhere... Y'know, when you stole my fucking camera....

By patrick on Friday, May 14, 2004 - 04:31 pm:

    yeah. right. you keep telling em that. "stole my fucking camera".

By Kalli on Friday, May 14, 2004 - 05:12 pm:


    yea and i photoshopped a clown face on your wee-wee.

By wisper on Friday, May 14, 2004 - 06:28 pm:

    hey Spider, regarding your sad post above from May 11th, do you believe that people who loose their faith get punished by god in some way?

    I just mean that, I don't think god wants you to have panic attacks from worrying about these things.

By Spider on Friday, May 14, 2004 - 10:08 pm:

    No, I don't believe that. It's just me being uptight and perfectionistic.

By kazu on Monday, May 17, 2004 - 02:40 am:

    Yes, as Sem said, I didn't have a coach. He didn't even know when I started reading. And reading back posts isn't that helpful when you're just focusing on one person. I didn't have it easy if you consider the fact that Sarah and Sheila were threatening to kick my ass well before I started posting here.

    "the sorabji boards is responsible to a very large degree for putting us together - heck probably completely responsible"

    well, if agatha hadn't directed sem to nerve, none of it would've happened. As for everything else, let's just say that sorabji helped me from doing something really really really stupid.

    I am more than halfway through Nate's book. Nate, I will send you some more substantial feedback when I am done, but for now, let me just say that I started it a few days ago and read a lot of it on the flight home from Dayton this evening. I was so absorbed in the story I read it as I walked through the airport and nearly fell flat on my face at the end of one of the George Jetson type moving walkways.

    Kalli, congrats again. My bestfriend just moved to Richmond to help another of our friends with her consulting business.

    I'm sorry things are so tough Dougie. Therapy is a good thing if you have a good therapist, one that's right for you. Seriously, I've had something like ten therapists and psychiatrists in the last twenty years or so and all but maybe one or two were tremendously helpful in helping me figure all my shit out.

    Spider's post actually brought me back around to when I first started posting here, the summer before I moved to Atlanta. I'd just moved home from Ohio where I'd had all this personal growth and realization, I'd met Sem and all was good. It was a time when I thought I'd try to be less bitter and cynical. I couldn't bring myself to be fully optimistic, but I tried to be more thoughtful, pragmatic, and balanced in my approach to things which I hoped would foster a more positive outlook. That didn't last long. Instead of feeling more positive I was just angrier than I had been before.

    I like being cynical. I don't think I am so in a dismissive kind of way. I once read somewhere that a cynic is just an idealist whose had their rosecolor glasses smashed. That's me. At some point being idealistic and optimistic just became too painful because of what Spider was saying. Don't get me wrong, I still try to be fair and not see the world in black and white, it's just easier for me to approach things with a touch of bitterness.

By Kalli on Monday, May 17, 2004 - 01:35 pm:

    Kazu -

    It's a sweet little city-town. I'm sure your friend will love it. I can't imagine being anywhere else.

    And, y'know, it's funny how people end up meeting in ways that may seem "unconventional" or actually, even more than that, when the words "if I hadn't done this then then maybe..." come into play. As much as I believe in free will, I think there's a sort of fate playing with us somewhere too. Not just sorabji...it's all over the web. I wonder to think how my life would be entirely different if it weren't for keystrokes...

By Spider on Monday, May 17, 2004 - 04:01 pm:

    I read an article in the newspaper this morning about biofeedback and emotions, and there was a line that said something about how some forms of depression are like overfeeling, and how anxiety is overthinking in order to avoid the frightening emotions.

    I used to depressed as a teenager up until high school, but I don't remember ever feeling anxious, per se. Now I don't get depressed anymore, but I have problems with anxiety. But in between those two phases was that brief period when I was happy and truly believed everyone was basically good and was trying the best they could.

    Maybe it was working in customer service that changed my mind about that.

    That's a lot of bull about anxiety being overthinking to avoid the feared emotions. Anxiety is hell, and you certainly don't avoid any painful emotions going through it. You feel them all at once! Depression is the shutting down of thinking of feeling in order to avoid the pain. At least for me, anyway.

    Eh, whatever. I have to mow the lawn now.

By kazu on Monday, May 17, 2004 - 04:18 pm:

    Yes! There is certainly something going on in the overthinking that is sometimes characteristic of anxiety, but that is way to simplistic. It is emotional overload for me too. Depression is more like emotional avoidance. I used to tell people that, in my worst bouts of depression, I would have given my left leg to feel sad, because that would have been something, and depression for me is more about a soul crushing overwhelming numbness (and things like losing bits of memory and forgetting what really happened and what I dreamt).

By The Watcher on Tuesday, May 18, 2004 - 03:50 pm:


    Would you like to know the exercises I learned in biofeedback?

    It really works. Like anything else it takes time.

    I used to get real physical pain when under stress. My stomach muscles would tighten followed by my back muscles. It was like I was in a vise. I would be rolling in pain on the bed.

    It took a lonnnng time to get rid of it. And, now and then I still get a twinge.

By The Watcher on Tuesday, May 18, 2004 - 03:58 pm:

    Sorabji land is therapy for all of us.

    The anonimity (spelling ?) of this place allows us to freely spill our guts, to some extent, without worry.

    Let us praise Mark Thomas for providing us this wonderful place to paint the graffity that is our lives.

By Gee on Tuesday, May 18, 2004 - 05:30 pm:

    I don't feel annonymous. I won't tell any of you people anything that I wouldn't tell people face-to-face. I keep the same secrets from everyone.

    plus I drop many clues as to my real life. if anyone knew what they were doing, they could find and stalk me with ease. Thank God there are no crazy psychopaths posting here! ha ha, whew.

By V.v. on Tuesday, May 18, 2004 - 09:51 pm:

    Crazy psychopaths?i think you will find a few,but most are o.k...you just need to feed them the right kind of nuts...

By The Watcher on Wednesday, May 19, 2004 - 02:09 pm:

    Oh, I wouldn't say that!!!

    Even the right kind of nuts doesn't keep this dirty old mind from working.

    Just picture Woody Allen doing his manic leturous routine and you can guess how my mind works.

    Then maybe we can run amok. Or, walk amok if one of us is to tired.

By Gee on Wednesday, May 19, 2004 - 03:24 pm:

    amok amok amok.

    great word.

    "Amok Time"

    great Star Trek.

By V.v. on Thursday, May 20, 2004 - 04:41 pm:

    The Watcher,Sorry,i just dont see you as a Woody Allen,o.k.,i can understand your outlook on life,but i tend to think you are a long way ahead of most people...thats way i like you so much...i understand from time to time,you may have a yiddisha sence of fun,i mean ,myself i have been out with three Jewish girls allready,i mean l allways like the girls, but the MOTHERS,oi,vey,...they are so outragious...they say to me,"So,you intend to have sex with my daughter or somthing?"...i mean so what are you supposed to say to THAT?

By Gee on Thursday, May 20, 2004 - 04:44 pm:

    I thought you were a girl. this changes everything.

By V.v. on Thursday, May 20, 2004 - 05:23 pm:

    No problem,i have made the same mistake many times,(i used to be Vilnius Viper)...Vilnius from my Granparents home in Lithuania,and Viper,cuz i can be real shitty to people i hate...but cuz you are so sweet,you can still regard me as a girl...just had a thought,are you a real GIRL?...i mean,no insult intended,but i just dont know.!...

By V.v. on Thursday, May 20, 2004 - 05:35 pm:

    "changes everything"?well i hope not,i was just getting to like you (a lot)...but only if your a girl...

By V.v. on Thursday, May 20, 2004 - 05:50 pm:

    Im not going to get to sleep tonight,am i?...none of that counting sheep stuff...its going to be Gee,Girl,Boy,Girl,Boy,Girl,Boy,Girl,Boy,Girl,Boy,Girl,Boy,Girl...

By V.v. on Thursday, May 20, 2004 - 05:54 pm:

    ...and dont keep me in suspence,or i wont get to sleep...

By semillama on Thursday, May 20, 2004 - 06:52 pm:

    V.v. I recently bought a six-pack of Ekstra Weisse beer. Really good stuff. Why didn't you tell us about this good Lithuanian beer?

    I got it at Trader Joe's.

By V.v. on Thursday, May 20, 2004 - 07:43 pm:

    HOLY MACKERALS,I have not even heard of this stuff,so what is the alchohol content?...40% perhaps?...myself,i can only get hold of Russian beer at 5%,a nice taste,but so weak...takes SOOOO much to get me legless...but then again,my liver has more holes than a swiss cheese...SHIT...not even one ONE Trader Joe,s in London...tomorrow i will compensate with a VERY large bottle of Polish Wodka.I am very,very envious of you,to get hold of OUR beer,off the shelf,so unfair on v.v.

By V.v. on Thursday, May 20, 2004 - 07:52 pm:

    ...you will just have to drink some of that beer on my behalf...but i wish i was drinking it with you...my best regards,tvaritch...

By The Watcher on Friday, May 21, 2004 - 02:48 pm:

    The refference to Woody Allen is only to the leturous part of my personallity. A small part -but constantly there.

    I think that little sex fiend is a part of all human beings. It's just that most of us tend to keep him locked up in a closet in our minds. Mine hid the key so he wanders about in there a lot. Luckily he's really a small part of me so the rest can pretty much keep him in check.

By V.v. on Monday, May 24, 2004 - 07:21 pm:

    The Watcher,good ,ol boys should be beyond that stuff,but i dont think we are...lifes a bitch,da?...bare midriffs,low cleavage,...its so much in your face,(chance would be a fine thing)!!!

By V.v. on Monday, May 24, 2004 - 07:26 pm:

    ...but somtimes it happens at the hairdressers,if they happen to be female!!!

By Spider on Monday, May 24, 2004 - 07:33 pm:


By Lapis on Tuesday, May 25, 2004 - 12:00 am:


By moonit on Tuesday, May 25, 2004 - 03:52 am:

    was that Lapis sneaking out of the thread?

By The Watcher on Thursday, May 27, 2004 - 02:36 pm:

    I have to disagree v.v. I think we good ole boys need to keep that little letch around. It keeps us alive.

By sarah on Friday, October 31, 2014 - 02:41 pm:

    whenever the boards go down, because it's so rare, which is good, but when they do, it makes my stomach seize up and i can't swallow and basically my innards go all pop-and-lock.

    then i'm senselessly, silently screaming out to mark, this place, you better getyourshifttogethernow.com or everything might die and i'll lose my past, our pasts.

    when they're back up, i come here to read this thread, every time, and it helps me get straight again.

    there's nothing i wouldn't give.

By sarah on Friday, October 31, 2014 - 02:42 pm:


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