sorabji.com: What does it look like where you are?: wet

By droopy on Monday, May 25, 2015 - 11:53 pm:

    it seems so sad to see this site...die.

    it's been raining in texas. one fun thing about that
    is that the snails come out. mostly the young garden
    snails that are, as far as i can tell, trying to get
    to higher ground from the saturated earth. it's kind
    of zen to sit on the back patio and watch snails
    slowly glide up the walls.

By dave. on Tuesday, May 26, 2015 - 01:41 am:

    i feel ya, droop.

By ... on Tuesday, May 26, 2015 - 05:24 pm:

    i landed in the emergency room a couple of weeks ago.
    panic attack. anxiety. my entire body was shaking. i
    could hardly walk. girlfriend's brother-in-law had to
    drive me the 2 blocks. they ran every test they could
    think of. catscan, brain mri, x-rays, sucked all
    kinds of blood out of me. got there around 5:30pm,
    they saw my condition and didn't even give a second
    thought to admitting me immediately. finally got a
    room at about 4am. shared it with an incontinent
    geezer who shit himself twice within an hour of my
    arrival, and another old dude who seemed to express
    himself entirely through flatulence. they gave me
    massive doses of librium, which brought my blood
    pressure down from the stratosphere to normal.
    now i'm told librium is supposed to be majorly
    addictive but i've had no desire to take another
    pill. they wanted to keep me there a 3rd night but i
    whined my way out of that. i was actually happy to be
    there. this had been building up for 2 or 3 weeks, or
    maybe even longer, going back to the day i almost
    fell into traffic on that drawbridge connecting
    queens and brooklyn. now i'm not shaky at all. it's
    the only time in my life i've stayed overnight at a
    hospital. looking forward to that never happening
    again. blood pressure yesterday was a perfect 130/80

By droopy on Wednesday, May 27, 2015 - 01:12 am:

    you're starting to worry me, mr. thomas.

    dave. now there's a blast from the past.

By dave. on Wednesday, May 27, 2015 - 10:39 pm:

    we lurk. we leech. that's how we do.

    y'all need to pick it up. :)

By Danielssss on Thursday, May 28, 2015 - 10:18 pm:

    I pickin I pickin. Don't go away Droop

By droopy on Friday, May 29, 2015 - 01:01 am:

    i can't see any of the text, but i guess i'll post

By sarah on Friday, May 29, 2015 - 10:24 am:

    oh yeah, the rain has been nutty. the back
    easement of our property drops down into shoal
    creek. which means we pay retarded amounts of
    money for flood insurance.

    fucking hell i hate talking about weather!

    but anyway, the creek turned into a river, gushing
    all the way downtown to where i used to live when
    i first moved to austin. and on the front page of
    the paper a few days ago was a photo of a man
    stranded across the street from that apartment
    building being rescued by uniformed men in
    inflatable rescue rafts. sirens all day long, all
    night long, all day the next day.

    we have a very large piece of land considering
    where we live well inside city limits, and the
    creek was about four feet from coming up into our
    yard - a safe distance. but the rain pooled in
    our yard, making it a large pond, and the water
    rose so high that it was only about 4" away from
    coming up and over our foundation into our newly
    remodeled bathroom.

    it's rained so much and been so cloudy for so long
    that the tomatoes and cucumber plants in my garden
    have grown so high, presumably reaching up for

    it rained last night. it's just rain rain rain.

    for the first time ever - back in early april - i
    bought a first class rain jacket, rain boots, and
    a serious looking umbrella.

    the 1/3 full lake travis reportedly is now 2/3+
    full, but the upper lakes still not so much.

By sarah on Friday, May 29, 2015 - 10:31 am:

    in non-weather related news, we are taking a 2
    week vacation to northern california in july and
    august. we're staying in a beach house in small
    town on the santa cruz bay called aptos.

    we'll also be taking a short side trip to
    yosemite. and when i was on priceline trying to
    find lodging, well first of all, it was nearly
    impossible because i'm late to that game. but
    interestingly, one of the places that came up in
    my search was an incredibly shitty looking "bed
    and breakfast" in Coulterville.

    i don't know if you remember, but i've been to
    Coulterville before, back in 199?, where Sheila
    drove down to meet me and my friend - we were
    travelling. we all ate something, and then we
    followed sheila way up the mountain, on crazy
    windy roads with drop offs on either side, all the
    way to her house, where i met Lucy, and other
    characters, and her husband Paul.

    we are not staying at that bed and breakfast, but
    i would if i could get a hold of sheila.

    senor's niece is going to stay at the beach house
    with the monkeys while he and i take another side
    trip to napa, sweet jesus i really need a break
    from mothering.

By sarah on Friday, May 29, 2015 - 10:36 am:

    lastly, mark. jesus h. what was going on the 2-3
    before you landed in the hospital?

    stop that.

By sarah on Friday, May 29, 2015 - 11:03 am:

    sorry, one more thing.

    mark, upon recommendation from her psychiatrist, i
    am giving my eldest 1 gram of inositol twice per
    day to treat her anxiety and ocd. it's a totally
    tasteless, textureless powder that completely
    dissolves in liquid. i put it in her apple juice.
    get it on amazon. or pay cash for it $20 at whole
    foods or vitamin cottage or whatever they have out

    the psych says it's been effective in treating
    both disorders in double blind studies yada yada.
    but whatever, it works. i put her on it, symptoms
    diminished. took her off it, symptoms worsened.
    put her back on, symptoms diminished.

    just saying.

By ... on Friday, May 29, 2015 - 09:19 pm:

    i happened to be sitting in the doctor's office
    waiting room when i saw this. i asked the doc if he
    had an opinion on inositol but he'd never heard of
    it. that doesn't necessarily mean anything. i'm
    willing to give it a go, though it wasn't on the
    shelves at Walgreens or Rite-Aid, so I'll look at a
    fuller vitamin shop. i have a stock of Lorezapam,
    which is said to be the exact same thing as Librium.
    i have not had to take one yet, though a few episodes
    this week caused feelings of panic and chest pain.
    the whole sorry emergency room episode and what led
    up to it is too much to type, and there are people
    out there i would not want reading it, even though
    they do not know about this place. i had blood test
    results from 10 days ago read back to me today and
    everything is normal, even the liver, which was
    surprising considering my alcohol intake these days.
    it really was all in my head, the panic attack. next
    stop: Bellevue.

By droopy on Saturday, May 30, 2015 - 03:12 am:

    there's nothing wrong with you that
    pharmaceuticals and professional therapy can't

    i don't mean to be flippant. if you all truly knew
    me you'd be shocked i'm still alive at all. yet i
    even outlasted my doctor; lost him to kidney

    my secret: the park. any park that's handy. just
    wandering around whatever patch of nature is handy
    to me, whenever i can get to it. and wine: a 750ml
    bottle a day. though i could stand to cut back a

    no guarantees, but i'd still take it over isotoner
    or whatever.

By sarah on Saturday, May 30, 2015 - 11:08 am:

    i don't go about announcing to the world that my
    daughter has psychiatric diagnoses, but most
    everything i write here isn't relevant in the
    outside world. it's safe here because in the
    internet universe nobody's got a telescope trying
    to find it.

    and if anyone should find any of the classified
    information i've shared here, by that time the
    idea of privacy will be moot. and i'll be too old
    to care.

    it's hard to believe that there's something more
    personal than so much of what's been written in
    dreamland, or other places that used to be front

    anyway, it's easy for a psychiatrist to give you
    meds and send you on your way, with interval
    check-ins to see if dosages need tweaking. my
    daughter's psychiatrist handed us a packet with
    specific things checked off:

    more sleep

    relaxation exercises

    meditation (specifically Indigo Dreams by Lori



    cognitive behavior therapy

    sometimes we pay doctors to point out what we
    already know, what's obvious, but we forget in the
    day to day.

    and so putting the matter of psychiatric health
    into our own hands, instead of the hands of a
    pharmaceutical company, is a great start to
    discovering if you can manage yourself - but holy
    hell it's a lot of work.

    and i love and pharmaceuticals and respect their
    power to save lives! but like droop said, it could
    be right in front of you, as simple as frequent
    walks in the park. or getting more sleep. eating
    more nourishing meals at regular intervals.

    for years now my girls have a color chart in their
    room with colors representing emotional states.

    green = happy
    yellow = starting to get agitated, sad, worried
    orange = super frustrated, angry, scared
    red = tantrum
    purple = emotions out of control, seizure-like

    and the key is to learn to recognize when you're
    in yellow, approaching orange, and being able
    steer back to green. both girls have their own
    way of doing it, and i used to have to help them a
    lot. once they're in the red or purple, they
    aren't reachable, we have to let the thing ride
    itself out.

    the thing about having kids is that they teach you
    everything you need to know about yourself. and
    it's a lot simpler than we make it out to be.

By sarah on Saturday, May 30, 2015 - 11:12 am:

    If the rain comes they run and hide their heads
    They might as well be dead
    If the rain comes, if the rain comes

    When the sun shines they slip into the shade
    When the sun shines down
    And drink their lemonade
    When the sun shines down
    When the sun shines, when the sun shines

    Rain, I don't mind
    Shine, the weather's fine

    I can show you that when it starts to rain
    When the rain comes down
    Everything's the same
    When the rain comes down
    I can show you, I can show you

    Rain, I don't mind
    Shine, the weather's fine

    Can you hear me, that when it rains and shines
    When it rains and shines
    It's just a state of mind
    When it rains and shines
    Can you hear me, can you hear me?

By ... on Thursday, June 4, 2015 - 03:47 pm:

    I made it to Bellevue yesterday. The place has always
    been iconic in my mind, for reasons I cannot
    necessarily articulate. I've met a surprising number
    of perfectly respectable people who have woken up at
    Bellevue, unaware how they got there until someone
    explained that they were found unconscious on the
    exit ramp of the FDR, that they had been pulled from
    a burning building, or some other circumstance beyond
    their control.

    But the psychiatric services division in particular
    stands apart from the medical facility. I read of it
    in high school, when (if i remember correctly) the
    director of the place called it a "wastebasket" of
    society. They have to screen and evaluate all the
    people that other social agencies turn away, and on
    account of that they are forced to be highly
    selective about who they admit. That fact was not
    anywhere in my mind when I made this appointment or
    when I showed up. Why would it be? I knew I was in.

    Still, thinking about it now, I don't know if I
    should be satisfied or alarmed that they admitted me
    without any inkling of second thought. The screener
    said up front that "most of these interviews take
    about 10 minutes." we talked for a half hour, which
    i'm told is considered epic for this sort of thing. i
    kept coming back to the shrink i saw 18 years ago,
    and how i felt bad about ending the sessions with
    her, but that at the time i felt i had to. she kept
    ripping my mother a new one, calling her a bad parent
    and even a bad person. i was offended, and did not
    appreciate the comments, but i've come to realize in
    the years since that i was afraid that listening to
    this therapist repeat these things over and over
    would inevitably poison what love i had for my
    mother. more threateningly i feared that the opposite
    would occur should i inevitably let slip what was
    going on between that therapist and me. now that my
    mother is gone i think it does not matter any more
    what we say about her.

    we talked about dad's suicide, which comes back to
    haunt me at unexpected times. we talked about the
    drinking, the suicide attempt, the emergency room

    i came to this session better armed than other times
    i sought therapy to guide this process the direction
    i want it to go. i am in control of this as much as
    they are. i did not feel that way in the past.

    I left feeling more positive than I have in a long
    time. A miscommunication with the girlfriend quickly
    soured that feeling, as it so often does. Today I'm
    back to remembering how Bellevue felt like home the
    moment I walked through its doors. It's an amazing
    complex, like a cross between a shopping center and a
    monstrous castle. I promptly got lost, requiring the
    assistance of a nurse to help me figure out where the
    hell they put the lobby of the building. I was so
    fucking nervous, not on account of that selectivity
    thing but because this was real, and this was really
    happening, and that if another chapter of my life is
    really opening then i should temper my enthusiasm
    with the discipline to do the hard work that lies

    i tried Inositol. it seemed to have no effect, and i
    also read that it can worsen symptoms for bipolar and
    depressed individuals, of which i am a classic
    example. I might try it again but I think I am going
    to see about getting Librium. i popped an Ativan last
    week and it decidedly disagreed with me, even if i
    think it actually worked in the end. at the ER they
    fed me monstrous dosages of Librium but prescribed
    Ativan because Librium is not covered by my
    insurance. i got the impression that Librium is
    wildly expensive without insurance but a 60 day
    supply is like $12. i guess that's considered
    expensive when a 30 day supply of Ativan, with
    insurance, was about $1. of course the insurance runs
    me $400+/month, so do that math...

    initially i resented having to fire all my doctors
    and the dentist and specialists by switching to an
    ACA plan but now i'm starting to forget about the
    change. i liked my PCP a lot as a human being but now
    that i think of it a majority of his prescriptions
    and diagnoses were way off base. the dentist i also
    liked a lot but my teeth are as close to perfect as
    you'll ever see. i do not exaggerate when i say that
    my jaw is thing of wonder to every dentist i've ever
    seen. so unless i get into a bar brawl or something i
    can probably get away with another 10-year gap
    between dentist visits, as happened between roughly

    and all that.

By 123456 on Thursday, June 4, 2015 - 08:29 pm:

    When I was admitted to the hospital, the psych ward, the stress played the part, and I should of told them that I wanted undergo sex reassignment.

    But never had the chance to talk to the specialist.

    I was abused when I was young, I mean, I was sexually abused by a boy who was two years old than me in bed naked.

    Over burden mother and absent minded father is what I blamed for my problem and never told them.

    When a guy who did that to me in bed made me feel like I am a girl. I don't know how to comes out to make a express my feeling and guilt.

By Antigone on Friday, June 5, 2015 - 02:34 am:

    Mark, we all love you brother. Hang in there and know that a lot
    of people care for you and wish you well.

    This may seem a touch trite, but you might consider eliminating
    (most or all) carbohydrates from your diet and eating more fat.
    I've been doing that for the last two years and it's had fantastic
    cognitive effects. Your body starts producing beta
    hydroxybutyrate (ketones) and your brain switches over to using
    mostly that for energy instead of glucose. That ends up being
    pretty good for bipolar:

    Of course I wouldn't suggest ditching any meds to do this, but
    you might think of doing it on top of any therapy you might get.

By Antigone on Friday, June 5, 2015 - 02:36 am:

By The Watcher on Tuesday, June 30, 2015 - 03:29 am:

    Sorry about your problems Mark.

    If you were in Baltimore you could come to my support group.

    Though at the moment I'm pretty low.

    See post elsewhere.


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