you don't even WANT to know how badly Have you ever been lonely?: you don't even WANT to know how badly

Sister on Wednesday, October 6, 1999 - 01:40 am:

    my first month of university and i haven't made ONE friend. NO EXAGGERATION. if it wasn't for alexis who went to my high school, i don't think i'd ever leave my room, even to eat. i know, i know... you guyz are going to say what EVERYONE says: get involved, join a club, say hi to everyone you meet. but it's not gonna happen. first of all, i am the shyest girl on the planet. second of all, i'm not into clubs, thanks.
    alexis has made some new friends now, so i'm in trouble. it's not like i'm a total geek, i mean, i like myself and i think i'm pretty cool. i listen to awesome music, i like my hair, i have some awesome clothes (okay, so maybe they're not what everyone else is wearing, but isn't unique supposed to be GOOD?), i like my voice a lot. i'm not beautiful, but i guess you could say i'm cute. but for some reason NO ONE talks to me. i don't think that i should ALWAYS have to initiate conversation... so i refuse to. i'm too shy anyways.

    but will it always be like this? i mean, it's been a month, i thought that after a month it would be better, but it's not... do you think it'll take longer than a month to make some friends? because as long as i have the hope that eventually it WILL happen, i can do it. the only sad thing is that THIS is what i've looked forward to my whole life... i mean, this is IT, it's university. and look what i'm doing... sitting in my room. *sigh*

By And i forgot the WORST part on Wednesday, October 6, 1999 - 01:45 am:

    my boyfriend and i are breaking up this weekend i think and i just spilled milk on my pants. and it's not even real milk, it's LACTEEZE, i bought it by mistake. how much lower can i go?
    love, sister

By Rhiannon on Wednesday, October 6, 1999 - 09:35 am:

    Sister babe...I didn't make any friends at college until Sophomore year, er, make that one friend. And that was by a freak chance...we both found that neither one of us knew anybody else and so kind of clung to each other out of loneliness. Now she's transfered, and I'm back alone again. So you are not the only one in this position.

    There were some days during my first year where I literally only said 2 words all day, those being "thank you" to someone who held the door for me. I know how much it hurts to be alone. The first few months of college were like raw agony for me because I missed my friends and family so much. And I was/am really shy, too shy to strike up a friendship with someone who already is settled into the social life.

    I wish I could give you some advice on how to deal with, but I don't know if I can. I only know what worked for me. And it did work, because now I don't even notice that I don't have someone to have lunch with or go into town with. I just go by myself and it feels fine.

    Well, here's what helped: keeping a journal (so I could get out of myself all the things I wanted to tell someone), prayer (so I could talk to someone as I walked around, even if it was just in my head), frequent letter writing to my old friends at other schools, music, studying, and reading Henry Rollins (who is the loneliest man in the country and has plenty of things to say that will comfort you). Also, things just get better with as the time goes by. And this may be the Rollins influence, but I think that sticking with hard times makes you tougher. Like he says a lot, scar tissue is stronger than regular tissue.

    One of my distant friends gave me this poem/psalm to help...I think it's by Leonard Cohen(?):

    Blessed are you who has given each man a shield of loneliness so that he cannot forget you. You are the truth of loneliness, and only your name addresses it. Strengthen my loneliness that I may be healed in your name, which is beyond all consolations that atre uttered on this earth. Only in your name can I stand in the rush of time, only when this loneliness is yours can I lift my sins toward your mercy.

    I hope this helps.

By Cyst on Wednesday, October 6, 1999 - 10:00 am:

    sister, do you go to ubc?

    if so, get a job at the ubyssey.

    they seem like they have a lot of fun.

By Cyst on Wednesday, October 6, 1999 - 10:05 am:

    oh, never mind, you're out east.

By J on Wednesday, October 6, 1999 - 10:22 am:

    They both just have to get over being shy,just start talking to people,they will talk back,they will think you are wondrful.

By Sister on Wednesday, October 6, 1999 - 11:41 am:

    honestly Rhiannon, it makes me feel better just knowing that someone else feels lonely too. because it seems to me that everyone is having fun. thank you.

By Waffles on Wednesday, October 6, 1999 - 12:34 pm:

    as much as I would jokingly like to say have random sex, take advantage of other lonely freshmen boys and get job at the local record store (the tune Puink rock girl comes to mind) and smoke insane amounts of pot to blur out any marginal events but that would be harshly criticsized as of late so I will refrain from elabortating on that anymore.

    I have to admit I went to school with a3 of my closest friends and two of my others moved to town regardless, but then again we had a band and we all were rather slack in school so it wasn't hard for all of us to get in. However, we all have times likme this, YOU WILL MEET FOLKS, take this time like Rhi said and turn it internally in a Taxi Driver kinda way, start pumping lots of iron, read the dictionary, hang around her for some sort of interaction, the grass is always greener on the other side, or so it seems, ther are too many people in college for you to go thru it alone, trust me......Cyst had a good idea in the sense that a small part time job at some place cool (some place likely to attract people like you), like a record store, clothing shot, bookstore, quirky gift shop, local pizza hang out etc etc etc ....good luck

By Benjamen on Wednesday, October 6, 1999 - 12:53 pm:

    When I went to school all my friends were townie hicks, but at least I didn't have to live in the Dorms. There was this one dorm that was round and the rooms were literally like the shapes of pizza slices. My god...

    There is always the radio. If your school has a radio station go check that out!

By Waffles on Wednesday, October 6, 1999 - 01:06 pm:

    you rwork for college radio ben?

By Rhiannon on Wednesday, October 6, 1999 - 03:08 pm:

    "Punk Rock Girl"...if you come to Philadelphia you can see Zipperhead (you know, "as I was walking out of Zipperhead...") on South St. Me and the girls used to hang out there in early high school, but we became too cool for that around 10th grade, when everyone else started going. It's still a neat place though...a lot of the buildings have mosaics on their sides made of mirrors and colored stones. Really pretty.

    Ah, high school. We were little snots then. I remember when everyone called Doc Martens "docs" we had to call them "Martens" and when everyone started saying "Martens" we would say "docs." That's what we wasted our time on. That and our image, because we were outsiders and had to struggle to keep on the right side of the line between "cool rebel outsiders" and "sorry un-athletic dork outsiders." We knew we had made it when we were told in 11th grade religion class that we had "problems with authority." That validated our existence. We were so silly.

    We started a little 'zine called Martian Sunburst where we wrote about music and clothes and how lame everyone in our school was (except for us, of course) and it was fun until this scary girl got involved and made us distribute it at shows and stuff, and we didn't want it to be that serious. Her name was Christina...I've seen her on some home-made commercials for a music store in my area since she graduated. I remember she kept carrot sticks in her glove compartment for masturbatory purposes. She was scary.

    See, that's one benefit of having a rough time in college...your memories become sweeter. Even the bad times during my adolescence (and there were an ass-load of them) seem charming now.

By Waffles on Wednesday, October 6, 1999 - 03:13 pm:

    yeah we started a zine too, are you sure you didn't go to high school in raleigh nc? you sound like a spitting image of me and my group of 5 or 6 friends. we even had our zine reviewd by fact sheet 5 but they review everything.......and yeah we made sure we stayed across that line buy staying high....anything to numb the humdrum and idiocy of high school.

By Rhiannon on Wednesday, October 6, 1999 - 03:34 pm:

    Glad to be of service to you, Sister. When I was where you are, I thought there is no way this is going to get better, and I wouldn't believe anyone who would tell me otherwise. Now, I *know* it's better, even more, it's great! You can do whatever you can go wherever you want...without having to need someone to come with you. You can do whatever you feel like because you're secure enough to do it.

    The thing is, it took me about 2 years to reach this state. I had major depressions in freshman/sophomore year. Hopefully, you won't. (I'm prone to them myself, but if you're not, don't worry about it.) But, you know, just last week I was realizing I haven't been depressed in like 2 years. Because you just get better inside.

    By the way, I'm serious about the Henry Rollins. Saved my life. Get yourself to the nearest bookstore and buy a copy of "The Essential Henry Rollins," which is a collection of all his books. Because, boy, if you think you have it rough...that man...I love that man.

    Here's a taste:

    "It can be found. It is somewhere in the night. It is lurking past midnight and you have to be alone to find it. You can be absolutely sure that you will not find it in company, no matter how intimate it is. The darkness on the edge of town can only be articulated alone.

    "In the black heat of this summer night, I have found it. The beautiful, sonorous pitch of exquisite loneliness. Not saddening. Not alienating. It is friendly and lets you know that you have been, are, and will be.

    "Right now, I am alone with my memories and the sound of my breathing. Traffic sounds have died down. My mind is full of tree-lined streets and the sound of thousands of insects. All the burnt nights, all the wasted time, the humiliation and failure of my life cannot take these images away from me.

    "And what is the "It"? Your true self. You. The one who comes out when the coast is clear. The one who cannot stand up to scrutiny. The one that is so pure that it cannot defend itself. It knows nothing other than itself. It is only understood by one. The one outside the window at night when you are with someone. It is as close to perfection as you will ever come. It is the one who keeps us ever so slightly apart.

    "It is now I can think of my invisible family. The dead and the unknown. Those who feel what I feel. I never meet them. I don't want to talk about this with anyone. Ever."

    You may not be as angry as Henry is (and not many people are), but like you said yourself, it's good to know someone has it like you/worse than you. And it's true, what he says.

    Things will get better, and you'll get better. Don't worry.

By Rhiannon on Wednesday, October 6, 1999 - 03:37 pm:

    Waffles, unfortunately, we probably would have held you in contempt, because we were straight edge. But it's neat(?) to know that the same pain can be found in both kinds of people, and that it's dumb to have the stoner vs. straight edge mentality, because we're alike at bottom.

By Waffles on Wednesday, October 6, 1999 - 03:50 pm:

    yeah but were you straight and narrow? We had several pals who were straight edge and they didn't give a rats ass what we did, in fact the found us pot heads amusing......especially when we went skating

By Waffles on Wednesday, October 6, 1999 - 03:52 pm:

    and furthermore, i never quite understood the poitn of being "Straight Edge" or better yet those "straight edge non racists skins called SHARPS" It was like the D.A.R.E for the punk community but i didn't see the point of standing up and proclaiming your sobriety...

By Rhiannon on Wednesday, October 6, 1999 - 04:01 pm:

    Well, we were straight edge because a) our school was infiltrated by people who acted like angels in school and then would go home and get drunk and high off their asses, and we thought that was so unbelievably pathetic, but not quite as pathetic as the girls who would bring vodka in their water bottles to school and think they were cool because of that and b) none of us thought getting drunk or high sounded like a good time. I've still never been drunk or high, and I don't feel like I'm missing anything.

    Straight and narrow? Is that like when you won't even take aspirin or drink caffeine? Then no. We never really bought into the straight edge "scene," it was just a stance we took in reaction to the people at our school. Hell, how do you rebel against the rebels? By being straight. That's all we were doing.

By Waffles on Wednesday, October 6, 1999 - 04:13 pm:

    straight and narrow as in not only opting not to partake but being critical of others who do. Condeming me because i use recreational drugs...i think it's fine as a personal choice. I understand your frustration with the kids in school who got all the A crowd treatment from administrators and their parents and then went and committed date rape and bullyed the rest of us while sluggin whisky in their bitchin cameros. No morals I tell ya......I found it amusing that those types always seemed to the the ones in tragic car crashes (usually in daddy's beamer). No DUI's on a skateboard.

By Rhiannon on Wednesday, October 6, 1999 - 04:44 pm:

    Well, then, I guess we were straight and narrow! Sorry about that.

    And, I went to an all-girls school, so it was more like "became victims of date rape" least I would *think* so, but who knows what those girls did on a Saturday night? I wouldn't put it past some of them if they did get a little rough in getting their own way. Some of them were nasty people.

By Cyst on Wednesday, October 6, 1999 - 05:18 pm:

    a long time ago I picked up a straight-edge guy.

    he was walking down the street. on his backpack there was a homemade button that said "SxE means better than you."

    I drove up to him, stopped, and said, "get in and let's go get margaritas."

    he got in.

    he was wise. he didn't tell me "I'm straight-edge" (I would have had no idea what the fuck he was talking about). and he didn't say, "I can't. I'm underage."

    instead, he said, "I'm not drinking right now but I'd like to go with you anyway."

    but he took to drink after I left him.

By Wavydave on Wednesday, October 6, 1999 - 07:02 pm:

    hey Cyst, I have the perfect guy for you. My friend Corbin who lives in the Twin Cities area. He just passed the BAR exam, makes a good salary, skydives (250+ jumps) and would appreciate your cynical humor.

    You guys would click.

    I know that meeting the friend of some random guy on the internet is beyond a long-shot, you oughta try anyway.

By Cyst on Wednesday, October 6, 1999 - 07:49 pm:

    is he willing to relocate?

    send me his photo.

    but skydiving does not impress me. I'm not excited about all those white-guy sports you need expensive equipment and long journeys to go do. like golf, bungee jumping, scuba diving, sailing, windsurfing, etc. yeah, they're probably fun and all, but so the fuck what.

By Benjamen on Wednesday, October 6, 1999 - 07:55 pm:

    Straight Edge does not get straighter than the kids in Salt Lake City. There are supposedly gangs of straight edge kids walking around beating people who are smoking cigerettes and drinking beer. Grim. Fucking Mormons. Yes, I do radio on WZBC here in the boston area. You can listen too. Go to WZBC.ORG and click on the stoopid shoutcast link. Supposedly it works just fine. I am on Tonight and on Fridays. My show tonight will be very good as long as I don't get free drinks at the Bill Frisell concert I am going to right now...

By Waffles on Wednesday, October 6, 1999 - 08:07 pm:

    ahh thats cool. college radio sucks here in LA, in Atlanta they have the best college radio WRAS at Georgia State Univ. 100k watts, largest student run radio in the country and maybe the world, they were really good to our band and the local scene in general

By Semillama on Wednesday, October 6, 1999 - 08:16 pm:

    Damn, Rhiannon, are you me long lost sister or something? Rollins' prose was a major part of my college education. IHe really does help when you are lonely and depressed and feel hopeless, and I was living with friends at the time! I remember going to see him speak with the girl who was a big part of why I was depressed as well. Funny, I just realized that last two women who broke my heart were at that show...

    Rollins is awesome because a0 he lets you know that other peole can feel just as empty, or even more so thatn you and B0 you can say to yourself, "At Least i'm not Rollins!" Seriously, when I thought I had it bad, I just had to read the parts about Joe Cole In "Watch a Grown Man Cry" and knew it could be much worse.

    on a lighter note, His spoken word albums are the shit. They are among the funniest and sometimes the saddest things I have ever heard.

    Sister:As far as making friends, from my own distantly remembered experience, I didn't have any friends until a couple months after I started college either. I think the trick is to go to parties and at least amke acquaintences. It's through people whom I can barely remember now that I met the people who became my best college buddies and whom I'm still friends with today.

    and if all else fails, we'll be here to chat.

    It's funny, I can actually relate my own life right now as a post graduate to sister's experience as a new undergrad, in that I don't have any real friends down here, aside from work friends, which is not the same.

By Waffles on Wednesday, October 6, 1999 - 08:24 pm:

    I had a few of his spoken word records, the funnies t bit was about his crush on Darryl Hannah and the pooting talcom powder. I forget hte name of the record buit it a pinkish cover with a hand drawn salesman , i just checked amazon, i suspect it's outta print. In fact I had severla of his records na none of them are on amazon, they all must have gonbe outt a print.....probably rare and collectables, damn if only i had kept alot of my punk vinyl, i might have a retirement fund...

By Rhiannon on Wednesday, October 6, 1999 - 09:55 pm:

    See, this is why I love him so much...because we need someone like him to do what he does. He is a lonely young man, and he will die a lonely old man, and he knows it, and we know it, and he's out there letting us see what it's like to be like him. Because we never will know what it's like to be a complete exile in our own country. I'm just grateful to him for unzipping his chest and letting us poke around at his organs. You know?

    And the thing is, like he said in that passage I quoted, he knows he helps people, and he allows us the dignity of our privacy, even though he doesn't allow *himself* that dignity. You have to admire somebody like that. That's true self-sacrifice.

    Even if he does get ugly sometimes. But you know, that's what makes him good. Because he *is* ugly inside and doesn't deny it. And he'll never change. He'll never have a good relationship, he'll never be happy. And he knows it, God bless him.

By Cyst on Thursday, October 7, 1999 - 12:33 am:

    I know henry rollins' cousin.

    she's cool and beautiful and smart and funny and so depressed she has a hard time leaving the house.

By Antigone on Thursday, October 7, 1999 - 12:36 am:

    Damn him to hell.

    Maybe he's already there.

    Loneliness can be sweet, but often it's the almond sweetness of cyanide, bitter beyond what you think is barely acceptable.

By Cyst on Thursday, October 7, 1999 - 04:47 pm:

    hey benjamen, I tried to listen to your show last night, but my internet connection isn't fast enough or something.

    you had an awful stutter, as did the dj before you.

    I caught the words "parallel universe" and went to sleep.

By Jinafishes on Thursday, October 7, 1999 - 06:54 pm:

    Hmm Sister, I can only suggest a few things. Not cause I'm extremely outgoing. I'm not, I hate sports, never joined a club, can't stand people who laugh over the lamest things that I never find funny, just not that person, but because it's the few things I do when lonely. It doesn't really bother me when I get lonely. It use to. Terribly, my Junior year in high school I felt really awkward, I would always imagine my hands were too big for my body, (like this painting by Ralph Steadman, only to see it years later) in a metaphor projection, signifying my clumsyness, and it was uncomfortable, I don't know why that year was hardest, I couldn't admit that I was introverted. I'd cry, let it out, and then I go on, and get an ice cream. Now I'm more balanced, I enjoy one side when I get tired of the other, vice versa. Senior year was easier, my best friend had just dropped out, so that downed my friend list to 0, and just made friends, broke out of the shell I guess.. not best friends, but class friends. Handy dandy friends.

    1. Do things for yourself. Take yourself to the store and get little things for yourself: handmade parfume, makeup (I don't use much but it's good when you're in a negative mood), truffles, hair cut, that always feels good afterwards when it's clean and your hair smells great. Takes away your security blanket too, if you have long hair.

    When I'm alone, I usually sink in thought to myself about myself, try to find that stranger within, and get inside, sort things out, sing in the car. I was lonely sometimes in high school, small hick town. Small horrible hick town. I had friends, but they were not best friends. I thought two of them were. It's hard getting an actual real life best friend in high school because you're only friends because you're in the same norm, not because both of you dig Art Nouveau. (Mucha)

By Cyst on Thursday, October 7, 1999 - 07:11 pm:

    I love mucha. but he's never made me any friends.

    mucha is moravian. I saw an exhibit of his at hradcany in prague once. mucha would never tell a girl to cut her hair.

    I tried to distract my friend a. with a book of mucha postcards on saturday. but he insisted on staring at the espresso girl. "she is exactly my type," he said.

    he talked to her about the trivia question.

    "tell me," he said to her. "I must know. and I promise I won't come back and try to get the free drink."

    "ok," she said. "william henry harrison."

By Jinafish on Thursday, October 7, 1999 - 07:30 pm:

    I thought he was Slovakian? Mucha's never helped me out much either. Splattered paint on my hands did though. I use to have long hair. I cut it. It felt good. It's out of the way, made me feel girlie and went great with an innocent smirk, but I miss it a little. So I'm going to grow some back.

By Semillama on Thursday, October 7, 1999 - 10:59 pm:


    they should still be available on quarterstick records, or try imago for "the Boxed Life" which has a really funny story about him answering letters and getting advice from Tom Waits. His new one, think tank is pretty good too.

    I think the album you were referring to is the above, although I could be wrong. I really like Sweatbox and Human Butt, as well, and there's Live at Mccabe's and Big Ugly Mouth to consider.

By Cyst on Friday, October 8, 1999 - 02:46 am:

    moravia is between bohemia (the western part of the czech republic) and slovakia.

    it is now the eastern half of the czech republic.

    that's where mucha is from, though he did most of his work in paris.

By Benjamen on Friday, October 8, 1999 - 06:19 am:


    Thanks for trying...
    I was under the impression that everyone here had supercomputers. I was talking about a parallel universe though.


    forget about college groups. Try to meet townies.

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