not with FAT FREE CHIPS! Have you ever gone hungry?: not with FAT FREE CHIPS!
By Sarah on Thursday, May 14, 1998 - 04:41 pm:
    Today I stopped by the grocery store to pick up something to eat for lunch. I usually grab a couple pieces of fruit or a veggie sandwich for lunch, when I can remember. But today I was in the mood for something sorta junkie. I usually don't buy packaged foods. And when I say packaged I really mean processed, since almost everything these days comes in some sort of package... I rarely eat things like crackers, chips, cookies, or anything that comes in a box. Except cereal. Cereal is definitely a processed food. My favorite cereal is Special K - and it has been my favorite since I was about 5 years old believe it or not - but it's like $7 a box here so I never buy it. Usually end up with cornflakes or something.

    Ok, so I'm in the grocery store and I pick out something junkie. I go to the chip isle. I usually hate chips. I hate chips because I hate salty foods. I'm weird, I know. But my tongue just does not enjoy salt for some reason. I like flavor, but not salt. Anyway, I see this bag of FAT FREE CHIPS (all caps on the package) so naturally I pick it up and take a look. It says,

    W O W !
    All the taste. Fat Free.

    Next to it was a package that said "MORE POTATO TASTE" which made me crack up something furious right there in isle 9. Gee, potato chips that taste more like potatoes. As opposed to ... ? And how does one affix additional potato taste to a potato chip?

    But back to the fat free potato chips. At the bottom of the bag is a blue and red swirly thing that says "Olean". Oh, ok. I remember reading about this stuff. Olean is Proctor and Gamble's brand name for Olestra, which is the name of a fat molecule which is too large to be absorbed in the intestines, so it just becomes waste and moves
    straight to your bowels. This means that no fat calories from this product will cause you to gain weight. It's also cholesterol free. But because Olestra is a real fat molecule, it tastes like fat or things with fat in them, as opposed to tasting like something that is truly fat free.

    Ok, I'm curious. This is what I don't get. The package says FAT FREE. Yet it also contains Olestra, which is a type of fat. That's false advertising. What the package should say is, this package contains fat that will not be absorbed by your body. On the back of the package it says "Olestra may cause abdominal cramping and loose stools. Olestra inhibits the absorption of some vitamins and other nutrients. Vitamins A, D, E, and K have been added."

    First of all, why bother to add vitamins that aren't going to be absorbed anyway? That makes absolutely no sense to me. Also, do people eat potato chips with the hope of supplementing nutrients to their diet? Second, I don't think this is necessarily something I'd want to bring to my family or to a pot luck party. Could you imagine? "Look guys! Fat Free Diarrhea in a Bag! Tastes like potatoes! Dive in!"

    Can you believe that I actually purchased that bag of potato chips?? I swear to god I did. They're sitting right here in my office in my desk drawer. I even ate a few of them. That was a few hours ago and so far I'm not experiencing any unusual pains in my midsection. They taste like regular potato chips, as promised. They even leave that bizarre potato chip aftertaste in your mouth. They even feel really greasy. Shit, I just get fed up (no pun intended really!) with the way we're socialized to eat and think about food. Fake fat! jeeeez...

    And as if my day could get any more ridiculous! I was just rummaging around in that bag of chips and pulled out a 2" x 2" opaque plastic package. Looks like those things you find inside a new pair of shoes or the "flavor packet" you get in microwave popcorn or ramen noodles... anyway.... I opened it up and it contains a folded up coupon, 55 cents off a bag of

    W O W !

    So i can have diarrhea AND bad breath! Whoohoooo!! America! What a country.

By PetRock on Thursday, May 14, 1998 - 06:27 pm:
    I will NEVER buy those damn things....I don't want to risk the 'anal leakage' as they've been calling it.

By Chordata on Thursday, May 14, 1998 - 08:12 pm:
    I recently attended a party at which the hosts provided only Olean-based snacks and did not tell anyone. There was also a lot of booze present, which I am sure exascerbated any negative bowel effects.

    We were sick as freaking dogs.

    I will never, ever consume that stuff again. Anything to which one's body reacts so negatively is a message. That message is to stay away.

    I guarantee it will not be on the market more than a few years. It's the saccharine of fat, baby.

By Nate on Thursday, May 14, 1998 - 11:07 pm:
    They add those vitamins to Olestra products because Olestra actually removes those vitamins from your body, which would cause a deficiency if you didn't counteract it.

    My girlfriend's mom was eating them one day. I said, "Hey, you know that stuff will give you the shits?"

    She replied "You know Nate, at my age anything that gets me moving is good in my book."

    Which really creeped me out. But then she wouldn't drop it. She kept talking about her age and bowl movements.

    Which really REALLY creeped me out.

    Then, my girlfriend and I left and I said "Boy, what's up with your mom and her talking about her bowels?"

    and she replied "I guess at her age anything that moves 'em is good."

By R.C. on Friday, May 15, 1998 - 01:02 am:
    'Fat Free Diarrhea in a bag"! Sarah, you are too funny! That shall be my official Quote of the Day.

    But I'm telling everyone -- Stay Away from Olestra! It's a synthetic fat molecule/which is why they can call their chips "fat free". And there's got to be something inherently dangerous abt putting stuff into yr body that you know it can't absorb. (Then again/I love corn on the cob/and human's can't digest corn kernels either, suposedly.) Nate's right -- the chemical structure of Olean causes it to bond with certain vitamins & pull them out of yr body/which is why P&G had to "fortify" it by adding back those vitamins. Because they plan to market those chips to kids. (Face it/what Mom isn't trying to get her kids to eat fewer fatty snacks?) And they figured their asses wd get sued if little Johnny ended up brain-impaired from an Olestra-induced vitamin deficiency brought on by too many fake potato chips.

    I'm from the Emeril Lagasse school myself -- my motto is "Fat Rules!" That & "Life is short -- eat well!" Fat is where the flavor is -- period. From butter or olive oil or cream -- gotta have it! I think it's far safer to indulge in real butter on yr crusty French bread/or a pint of Ben & Jerry's/ when you're in the mood for something reaalllyy good. Science has now shown that the hydrogenated oils in margarine are worse for yr heart than fat. So eat Real Food & don't have a cow abt it!

    I try to stay away from prefab or artificial foods. But I am a Nutrasweet junkie. I have hyperinsulism (the opposite of diabetes), so I can't handle a lot of sugar. And sacchrine makes me puke. But I can tolerate the taste of Nutrasweet. (Which will probably give me brain cancer/but at least it doesn't screw up my hormones & make me gain weight!)

By CarrieAnn on Friday, May 15, 1998 - 10:04 am:
    YES! Finally people are noticing how evil this stuff is. Heh. Honestly, for awhile there I thought I was alone in this.

    Not too long ago, a friend of my mother's and her husband were at the grocery store picking up a few items on their way home from their daughter's. Now, here's this nice older couple, browsing the aisles of a supermarket, carefree, holding hands, tossing a few items into their cart as they go. They come upon a sample hag and her dixie cups o' chips. **BRAND NEW CHIP - Same GREAT Taste - Made with OLEAN** Wifey goes to pick up a cup of chips and see how they measure up. Mmmmm, taste pretty good. I'll just take another for the check out line. Ho hum.. la la la.. *BA-BAM* She suddenly feels worse than she ever has in her life, she gets the hot/cold sweats, heart beat races, blood pressure drops to a deathly low number and wifey suddenly finds herself being hauled off in an ambulance to the hospital. Luckily they got her heart rate and blood pressure stabled and back to normal. She had been in perfect health all the way up until that first *CrUnCh* of that chip. They get home and decide to write a nice little *ahem* note to Proctor and Gamble explaining the incident, enclose hospital record of the visit, store they went to, date etc etc. Last I heard they had the people in the labs trying to figure out what could have caused that reaction in her.

    I, personally had managed to steer clear of these things. When that woman came towards me at the store with her cup 'o chip pieces, I'm glad I turned her down now. Yeesh. I'm all for 'FAT-FREE' & 'LOW-FAT' because some are actually beginning to live up to that and manage to hang onto a little of the flavor. But if we have to add this diarhetic like additive to make it seem like this is helping with your fat intake, (yeah cuz within minutes you're vomiting from your ass - Instant weight loss!) I think I'll pass. *reaches for the sack of cheese puffs*

By Snow Queen on Friday, May 15, 1998 - 12:00 pm:
    The only fat-free chips I'll eat are the Baked Lays...they actually taste pretty good. And NO WAY am I ever trying Olean products and I've been saying that for a year now.

By Oatmeal Boy on Friday, May 15, 1998 - 12:26 pm:
    White male, 22 - Middle Class.

    I got laid once... Actually quite a few times..

By Nate on Tuesday, May 19, 1998 - 12:06 am:
    Wouldn't that be funny if Sorabji made it so that all of Oatmeal Boy's posts were randomly placed where they would be totally out of context?

    This wouldn't be a retroactive thing, but rather something that happens from here on; whenever Oatmeal Boy posts the post ends up in a random category.

By R.C. on Tuesday, May 19, 1998 - 01:49 am:
    Oatmeal is already a random category unto himself!

    There was some other hi-risk fake-food product I'd heard abt recently that I wanted to mention/ but I can't recall what is is now... Oh wait -- I think it was popcorn. P&G is putting out or planning to release popcorn popped in their fake Olean. This is wild though -- I remember seeing people taste-testing those chips on the news when they 1st hit the market/but I don't recall seeing a rash of reports of people getting sick from them. Yet from the stories posted here/it seems that quite a few folks have reacted badly to them.

    Hmmm... Is it a cover-up? Better call Mulder.

By Oatmeal Boy on Tuesday, May 19, 1998 - 03:10 pm:
    Oatmeal is 100% fat free BTW.

By Pet on Wednesday, May 20, 1998 - 01:08 pm:
    Some people claim that they have no reaction to the new chips....others say they experienced the worst abdominal cramping of their lives.

    I figure, why take the chance? For a few chips that probably don't taste all that well and I'm gonna risk sitting on the can for the next 2 hours??? No thanks.

By Nate on Wednesday, May 20, 1998 - 01:33 pm:
    Mmm. Sitting on the can for 2 hours.

By Pet on Thursday, May 21, 1998 - 06:21 am:
    LOL....I forgot about you Nate. I guess some people WOULD actually enjoy sitting on the can for 2 hours.

By Nate on Thursday, May 21, 1998 - 10:03 am:
    I think it all depends on the attitude you have going in.

    When I was in the dorms we had one guy would would cheer whenever, well, I don't know why. But occasionally he'd be havin' a sit-down and suddenly WOOOHOOO!

    The thing is, because of the food we were served, generally everyone who ate together would take a seat together afterwards. (Though not a stall together, we weren't quite that close.)

    Once I was laughing so hard that I had to give up.

By Jim aka PajamaBoy on Thursday, May 21, 1998 - 10:37 am:
    I think this has officialy become the bizarrest Sorabji thread I've read yet.

    YAY!!! *pj claps hands*

    I'm sticking with Utz' Salt & Vinegar Potato Chips. *puckers up*

By Nate on Thursday, May 21, 1998 - 06:46 pm:
    Oh shit. Salt & Vinegar chips... fuck.

    I just know I'm going to end up at the deli buying a bunch of cheap beer, a huge samich and a bag of S&V chips (all on credit, of course.)

    Mm. This thread reminds me. I had a can of corn for breakfast.

By Jim aka PajamaBoy on Friday, May 22, 1998 - 12:00 am:
    Creamed, whole, or hominy style?


By R.C. on Friday, May 22, 1998 - 12:45 am:
    Just a postscript:

    My Mom brought home a bag of those Olean chips today! She ate half of it & suffered no ill effetcs. But I'm still not touching those thangs.

    And Nate -- how come the deli gives YOU credit? That bastard won't even take my damn foodstamps!

By Jim aka PajamaBoy on Friday, May 22, 1998 - 09:27 am:
    ROFL!!! R.C., you are one wicked ass chick!!! You ROCK!!!

By Nate on Friday, May 22, 1998 - 01:33 pm:
    It was whole corn. It's about to go into syndication.

    R.C. - Philo gives me credit because Philo doesn't have to worry about mysterious natural gas leaks blowing his deli into the sky, the local police department looking into his books or the Alcoholic Beverage Control wondering why all sorts of underaged college kids are drinking pitchers of his beer in his courtyard.

    Philo should be more than happy to extend to you a full line of credit once I inform him that as a friend of myself you are a friend of Gus's.

By Nate on Friday, May 22, 1998 - 01:34 pm:
    It was whole corn. It's about to go into syndication.

    R.C. - Philo gives me credit because Philo doesn't have to worry about mysterious natural gas leaks blowing his deli into the sky, the local police department looking into his books or the Alcoholic Beverage Control wondering why all sorts of underaged college kids are drinking pitchers of his beer in his courtyard.

    Philo should be more than happy to extend to you a full line of credit once I inform him that as a friend of myself you are a friend of Philo's.

    I'm a little too retarded right now to think. So much for the glamour of getting up and pounding beers.

By Sarah on Tuesday, August 4, 1998 - 09:23 pm:
    just a follow-up question:

    what the fuck is the difference between regular potato chips and "Deli Style" potato chips?

By Starchy on Tuesday, August 4, 1998 - 10:58 pm:
    The Deli Style are fancier. They're putting on the Ritz, and all them crackers. They got Style, ya know?

    They're usually more expensive.

Jeffrey Scott Holland on Saturday, October 24, 1998 - 08:23 pm:

    On a peripherally related track, did y'all know that Munchos are made of more Torula Yeast than potato, and that Torula Yeast is derived from petroleum? Some schmuck in the early 1970's discovered somehow - don't ask me how - that it was edible. There was a big outcry about it in the mid-late 1970's when it started showing up in consumer products, but then it kinda got forgotten.

By MoonUnit on Saturday, October 24, 1998 - 09:12 pm:

    i love munchos... and so now I know why I like the smell of petrol

By Sarah on Monday, November 16, 1998 - 10:45 pm:

    i found out today what "Deli Style" chips means.

    it means STALE.

By R.C. on Tuesday, November 17, 1998 - 08:47 pm:

    LOL! Deli styles are supposed to be thicker & crunchier than reg. chips. (But NOT crunchy from sitting on the shelf too long.)

    The best potato chips I ever had were the one's my friend in NY used to make. She had a ripple cut slicer. On the weekends when we were both too broke to hang out/we'd pool our Blockbuster coupons/rent a bunch of videos/& make Margaritas or Vodkaritas (depending of who had half a bottle of what at their house). Then she & I & her 2 girls wd peel up a 5 lb. bag of potatoes/slice 'em up/season 'em w/onion powder & cayenne pepper/then toss them into the deep fryer. (You don't salt them 'til they come out of the oil.) We always ate half the batch before we finished cooking. If we were both in a PMS phase/we'd dip them in Marie's Blue Cheese dressing.

    Damn, they were good!.

    Then on Sunday/we'd eat nothing but salad & go for a long walk as penance.

By Beaker on Saturday, June 12, 1999 - 08:36 am:

    Does anyone else like the labels that read "90% fat free"? This is weird. They are telling me about what ISN'T in this product. 10% of it is fat (which actually seems like a lot to me) and the other 90% is.... NOT fat. Is this anti-marketing? Trying to sell something to somebody on the basis of what it isn't.
    And another thing: diet drinks. Only 1 calorie!
    Less that 1 calorie! No calories! This is a statement that this product is guaranteed to contain no food value. The only reason I can think of for drinking soda is to get a quick sugar boost. But these ones don't even have the sugar.
    What's the point? Why not have a can of air instead?
    Here in England we have this drink called Lucozade, sold as an "energy drink". The ads always have athletic-looking people breaking 100m sprint records and then immediately downing a bottle of Lucozade and strangely, not puking immediately afterwards. But anyway, now they have "Lucozade Light". It's Lucozade (remember: energy drink) with less calories. A calorie is a unit of energy. Which makes this a low-energy energy drink. Am I alone in thinking this is insane?
    We also have this stuff called Elmlea. Gloopy, white stuff you can pour over fruit. The ads never EVER tell you one reason why you should buy it. They tell you (at great length) that it isn't cream. No way. It looks like cream, but it isn't cream. They don't say what it is (I'm mildly curious), but what really bugs me is that they don't say why I should buy it instead of cream. Does it taste better? Is it better for you? Is it cheaper? Does it stay fresh longer? No answers, it's just "not cream".

By sarah on Wednesday, June 1, 2011 - 03:05 pm:

    13 years later. i am still cracking myself up. i'm a funny fucker.

By sarah on Wednesday, June 1, 2011 - 03:05 pm:

    oh, and i just came across this as i was trying to find the what did you have for lunch thread.

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