I despair

sorabji.com: Have you ever gone hungry?: I despair

By Spider on Tuesday, April 8, 2003 - 11:02 pm:

    The company I work for creates reports for our customers so that they can see how much they have used our products each month. These are handily called usage reports.

    I'm in charge of giving everyone their ID/pswd for the usage site and answering most of the questions that customers have about the reports. When anyone's got a problem, I'm the lucky dog they call first.

    Since this summer, for some bizarre reason that absolutely nobody has been able to figure out, though it seems like it should be pretty damn easy, no customer who signed up since May 2002 or so has been able to retrieve their reports from the website. The reports just aren't there. It's like the folders are empty.

    This is true even for existing customers who purchased a new subscription since May -- they can get reports for their older subscriptions but not for the newer ones.

    I and some of my coworkers have been bugging the guy who creates the reports to get this problem fixed since the Fall. Last month, we started using a new system for creating the reports, and I was promised that this would fix the problem, and all the missing reports would appear last night.

    Do I need to tell you they're not there?

    I've counted 209 customers who have NO reports and 229 who are missing reports for their newer subscriptions. This is completely fucking unacceptable.

    For the life of me, I can't understand why the guy who creates these things hasn't been able to do it, and he's not offering any explanations. We've given him all the information he needs. What the hell is going on?

    OH, I forgot about the History reports! Those haven't been updated since July! That's another 89 people who are missing their usage data.

    I feel a wellspring of rage bubbling forth within me. Anyone want to fly to Dayton, OH and kick some ass?

By dave. on Tuesday, April 8, 2003 - 11:06 pm:

    is the data there at all or is something messed up with the queries?

    did you guys sell this nifty service?

By Antigone on Tuesday, April 8, 2003 - 11:18 pm:

    Why hasn't the guy who makes the reports been fired? ~300 dissatisfied customers over the past 11 months and he's still employed?

By Spider on Tuesday, April 8, 2003 - 11:21 pm:

    The raw usage data is there. I have software that allows me to create usage reports for individual schools in Excel format, and I'm able to produce reports for all of these new customers with no problems whatsoever. This guy uses the same software to create reports for *everybody* all at once (~4000 reports), modifies them in some unknown way that he won't tell us about, and uploads them to the report website.

    He won't tell us if he's able to create the reports and just can't to post them to the website, or if he can't create the reports in the first place, or what.

    The reports are free, but most of our customers use their reports to determine whether or not they will renew their subscriptions...which are up for renewal in June....so people want to see their reports now...........

    I've been put in charge of emailing him and asking him what's up, but I'm so mad right now...

    If this costs us renewals, I swear to God, I'm going to blow a gasket.

    Either do the work, or tell us what's wrong! Is that so much to ask for?

By Spider on Tuesday, April 8, 2003 - 11:21 pm:

    Antigone, I'm asking the same question myself.

By sarah on Tuesday, April 8, 2003 - 11:25 pm:

    sounds like they need to fire that guy and promote you to his position. or would that be a promotion?

    find out!

By sarah on Tuesday, April 8, 2003 - 11:26 pm:

    oh, and thanks so much for the CD and the godiva love box. both are rocking my world! i loved the harley card too :)

By patrick on Tuesday, April 8, 2003 - 11:31 pm:

    spider, are you asking upper management these very same questions, with this very same tone of passion?

    sometimes the peeps upstairs like to see this, it shows you care, it shows you expect your teammates to pull their weight and it just might bring to their attention a problem they have not fully grasped in the past.

    make a formal, strong, verbal complaint/plea to get this resolved, outline what it could cost if it's not resolved.

    then its off your shoulders and there's no reason to blow a gasket.

    the responsibility soley rests on management and that particular tech guy.

By Antigone on Tuesday, April 8, 2003 - 11:32 pm:

    If it costs you renewals he should be fired.

    And, if you can make the reports yourself, go ahead and do that and give them to your boss. Then say, "Can I post these on the web so we don't lose customers?"

    Then, in July, ask for a raise. :)

By Spider on Tuesday, April 8, 2003 - 11:34 pm:

    I'm glad you like them! :) I felt like a horrible person for taking so long to send you that CD.

    Nah, I don't want that guy's job. For one thing, I have no experience in doing what it is he does -- he's a software engineer. Plus, I'd have to move to Ohio. Yuck!

    I have a question for you all -- in this email I send him asking what's going on, should I be stern or nice? I'm trying to figure out what the best tone to take would be....plus I have to copy a few coworkers/superiors on it, and I don't want to start something ugly. But I don't want to be ignored either. How about I write it and post it here before sending it, so you can tell me what you think?

By Spider on Tuesday, April 8, 2003 - 11:38 pm:

    Antigone, we've already tried that approach -- we've asked him for access to his folders so that we could drop reports in there (sometimes, for example, there are data processing errors that cause <NULL> to appear instead of numbers, and we wanted to be able to revise those reports on the fly and drop the revisions in the folders so they'd appear online.....no dice. He wouldn't give us access, and he wouldn't tell us what he does to the format to make them "clean.")

    Plus, no way in hell would I have the time/resources/capabilities to run all the reports myself.

    I'm getting a raise in May as it is.....maybe I can use this as leverage next year. Unless *I'm* the one they decide to have problems with, and they let me go. It's happened before...

By Spider on Tuesday, April 8, 2003 - 11:39 pm:

    Patrick, you've convinced me to go with stern.....I'll post the email in a little while.

By patrick on Tuesday, April 8, 2003 - 11:46 pm:

    in these situations, i wouldnt even go directly to him.

    id go to upper managment and let them battle it out. if this software dude is being a particular fuck, nothing you say will work...if anything he'll just blow you off.

    its not your responsibility to prod him on to do his job. all you have to do is ask, and expect to get what you need. if you dont get what you need, its management's ball, once you've brought it to their attention.

By Spider on Tuesday, April 8, 2003 - 11:55 pm:

    But I don't know who his boss is. My boss and our Product Devlpment manager have been nagging him for weeks without getting anywhere......I don't think I'll get anywhere either, but since I'm the one who caught the problem, I've got to email him. I'm also going to cc my boss' boss, since I know she'll be concerned about the potential loss of revenue and may step into the arena herself.

    Now...I must write the email!

By Bigkev on Tuesday, April 8, 2003 - 00:00 pm:

    hear, hear... shit has to get up hill before it can flow down... this email should be the problem as described to us, but addressed to Managment. Include timelines ie; emails and requests sent to fuckhole.. with dates, so they can see how long this has been going on. BUT make sure (s)he gets a copy when you send it on its way...

By patrick on Tuesday, April 8, 2003 - 00:06 pm:

    you dont need to know who his boss is. you have made your case to your boss, its up to her to get it resolved.

    "may" step into the arena? fuck that. she "should" step into the arena.

    if she doesnt, you should be aiming for her job.

    people in your position are not in the position to fight. management is supposed to do your fighting for you. thats why they are there. if someone on your level is not doing their job, its up to them to solve the problem, not you.

By Antigone on Tuesday, April 8, 2003 - 00:11 pm:

    "He wouldn't give us access, and he wouldn't tell us what he does to the format to make them 'clean.'"

    Fire him.

    "Plus, no way in hell would I have the time/resources/capabilities to run all the reports myself."

    Don't short sell yourself. If you're lacking, (which I doubt you are) increase your abilities to meet the need.

By Spider on Tuesday, April 8, 2003 - 00:22 pm:

    I agree - I shouldn't be the one dealing with this, but that's how things go around here.

    Anyway, this is the email:

    Hi [X],

    What is the problem with the accounts in the two attached spreadsheets?

    These are taken from the bgrp list that [A.] sent you ([filename]) -- the first is a list of 209 customers who are missing all of their online usage reports, and the second is a list of 229 customers who are missing reports for one or more product. All of these accounts are found in [A.]'s list.

    It's imperative that these customers receive their usage reports -- they are all new subscribers, and they need their reports to determine whether or not they will renew their subscriptions in the next two months. The potential loss of revenue if they cancel is large.

    Please let [A.], [M.], and I know if there is something about these accounts' setup that is preventing you from creating reports for them, or if there is anything we can do or that you need from us to get their reports posted to the website as quickly as possible.


    What do you think?

By kazoo on Tuesday, April 8, 2003 - 00:32 pm:

    Can you be sterner?

By eri on Tuesday, April 8, 2003 - 00:33 pm:

    You were nicer than I would have been. Here's hopin he listens and does his damned job!

By Spider on Tuesday, April 8, 2003 - 00:37 pm:

    I don't know how to be sterner without resorting to profanity or threats of violence! Also, I'm not in his department and am inferior on the old ladder, so I can't threaten him with anything...

    Hey, if need be, I will ask my boss' boss and the director of our division and ask them to take action. I don't want to say that in this email, though.

By patrick on Tuesday, April 8, 2003 - 00:39 pm:

    don't ask him what the problem is.

    tell him there is a problem and it needs to be fixed.

    More concise spider. More concise.

    How about:

    Good day (fuckhole),

    i need to remind you that customers have repeatedly been unable to access their reports.

    This is a on going problem that needs immediate resolution.

    (Spider can you cite emails/faxes and dates in the past that this problem was brought to his attention, if so, cite them here)

    As you can guess, a customers inability to access their information and make determinations of their usage can and will cost us accounts. Of course this outcome is not an option.

    Please advise immediately as to the solution of this problem.

    Thanks in advance for your immediate assistance.

By patrick on Tuesday, April 8, 2003 - 00:40 pm:

    you deliver a stern message with a concise message.

    the more you dilly dally, the more insecure you sound.

    'you have a job to do, you dont have time for this shit. fix it asshole' is what you are saying, essentially,

By kazoo on Tuesday, April 8, 2003 - 00:44 pm:

    Why can't you say that in the e-mail? That you will have to refer this to someone who could kick his ass? And I really don't understand, if this you could lose a lot of revenue, why there isn't someone who can take care of this? I'd understand if it was one of those internal things that doesn't affect revenue, but this is serious, and that your superiors wouldn't get on top of it...it doesn't make sense. You should DEMAND that someone who can actually affect this guys job, get on top of it.

By kazoo on Tuesday, April 8, 2003 - 00:45 pm:

    and if you really can't...I'm with patrick.

By Spider on Tuesday, April 8, 2003 - 00:49 pm:

    Good ideas....

    Well, I will be replying to an email that has a string of nags and pesterings to this guy from various people, so we've got some of the history right there.

    OK, I've added this sentence to the end of the second paragraph: "These are also, not coincidentally, all of our new customers from May 2002 forward -- no new subscriptions since that time have online reports available to them."

    And I've cut the last paragraph and added "Thanks in advance for your immediate assistance."

    It's more direct, and I think I'll send it now.

By Spider on Tuesday, April 8, 2003 - 00:58 pm:

    Oops, didn't see Patrick's second or Kazoo's first message.

    The thing is, I have no weight with which to threaten the guy. Also, I know my boss, and if I threaten the guy out of the blue, my boss will come down on me. I don't want that to happen.

    I did find out the guy's boss' name, so I will copy her, my boss' boss and the division director on the email.

    And if that's enough to irritate my own boss, then I'll get mad at him for not taking this seriously enough.

    I swear, sometimes I feel like I'm the only sane person in this place for seeing this as the huge problem that it is. We are utterly failing our customers! 400+ people are upset! I didn't get upset before because I had been told that our new system upgrade was going to fix everything -- I was banking on that! I was telling everyone who called me to complain to just hang on until April 7.

    GodDAMMIT, I HATE being the one who looks bad to our customers.

By Spider on Tuesday, April 8, 2003 - 00:59 pm:

    Heh -- the division director, the guy in question, and the product development manager just read the email...let's see what happens.

By patrick on Tuesday, April 8, 2003 - 01:09 pm:

    no one is asking you to threaten anyone spider. of course thats not your job.

    why is this so difficult? dont be a weenie.

    dont copy the email to someone you havent had contact with such as his boss. that will seem catty. let your boss deal with his.

    its as simple as this spider.

    you are bringing to their attention a repeated problem that is preventing you from doing your job and could hurt the company down the road. if they dont fix it, nor give you the power to fix it, the company will suffer. all you do is bring it to their attention, then its up to them.

    done. end of subject move on. go to lunch. relax.

By patrick on Tuesday, April 8, 2003 - 01:10 pm:

    oh. message sent.

    godspeed them spider. godspeed.

By Spider on Tuesday, April 8, 2003 - 01:28 pm:

    The mysterious person that was copied on the email he originally sent to me and others turned out to be his boss, so I left her in the cc field when I replied. No cattiness involved. :)

    I just heard back from him -- apparently, this is the first time he heard about these 400+ accounts. Hmmm... I had first told my boss and the PD guy about them in the fall... Hmmm... *sigh* I'm not up to guessing who dropped the ball. As long as it gets fixed, I don't care.

By Antigone on Tuesday, April 8, 2003 - 01:49 pm:

    Typical evasion. "This is news to me!"

    Fire him.

By Spider on Tuesday, April 8, 2003 - 01:54 pm:

    The PD guy just sent him, me, and everyone else a copy of the email he (PD guy) sent him (object of my ire) back in DECEMBER alerting him of the problem, including a list of all the affected customers at that time. He has no excuse.

By Antigone on Tuesday, April 8, 2003 - 02:04 pm:

    Ah, the glories of CYA!

By Spider on Tuesday, April 8, 2003 - 02:28 pm:

    Ah, not quite....my lists were huge, and the PD guy's list was much smaller. So I guess this is the first slacker guy has heard of the major problem. Whatever, I did my part months ago by alerting the right people in my dept. I told them about the problem without giving them the list.

    And, btw, slacker guy didn't fix PD guy's short list of people, either! So he's still in the wrong!

    Anyway, we're all having a meeting tomorrow to talk about the problem. I'll bet I'll have to defend not presenting the huge lists earlier, but I'll be okay.

By semillama on Tuesday, April 8, 2003 - 05:05 pm:

    Burn this in your memory for job interviews, when they ask about how you contribute. Interviewers drool over stuff like this.

By heather on Tuesday, April 8, 2003 - 06:09 pm:

    actually, add it to your resume or your resume info RIGHT NOW

By Antigone on Tuesday, April 8, 2003 - 06:30 pm:

    Yeah. This smells of favoritism. You may be pissing off someone's pet.

By Slacker Guy on Tuesday, April 8, 2003 - 07:03 pm:

    Hey, what the fuck's wrong with Ohio?

By semillama on Wednesday, April 9, 2003 - 09:07 am:

    Flat. Too many sneaky republicans. Not enough forests.
    Need I go on?

    Of course, Ohio does have Dennis Kucinich (sp?) and supplied some brief amusement with Jim Traficant.

    And DEVO is from Ohio. So are Guided By Voices.

    Still, all those republicans...

By patrick on Wednesday, April 9, 2003 - 11:58 pm:

    annoying accents

By Spider on Wednesday, April 9, 2003 - 00:05 pm:

    It's freaking dull out there! Duh!

    Anyway, had the meeting. The guy is going to fix everything, and within 2 weeks all the missing reports will be posted.

    However, I just logged into the usage report website, and when I try to look at *anyone*'s reports I get a "page not found" error. When will the madness end?

By Spider on Wednesday, April 9, 2003 - 00:09 pm:

    OH. What do you think of this?

    Yesterday, my boss talked to me about the reports, blah blah blah, and as he was walking away, he said, "Remember, none of this is your fault."

    (WTF? Of course it's not my fault! That was a rather curious thing to say, don't you think?)

    And then, 2 minutes ago, he came into my office and said, "[M.] and [division director] and I had an interesting conversation after the meeting...." but then changes the subject. Huh? Why did he say that?

    You don't think I could be in trouble, do you? For what, I don't know....but is this suspicious, or am I just paranoid?

By semillama on Wednesday, April 9, 2003 - 00:46 pm:

    I would think it's more likely they are about to sprign a raise or promotion on you. If it were bad, they wouldn't be dropping hints.

By patrick on Wednesday, April 9, 2003 - 00:46 pm:

    clearly he made the 'not your fault' comment with good reason.

By patrick on Wednesday, April 9, 2003 - 00:47 pm:

    you're so cute when you trip over your insecurities spider.

    now if only you'd give up the ass shots to nate, we could be complete

By Spider on Wednesday, April 9, 2003 - 00:58 pm:


    Thanks for the confidence, guys! Yeah, it would be really nice if they took away some of my current responsibilities and put me more in charge of the reports. I know how this place works, though, and they'd probably make me do the extra work on top of my current job....screw that. I've already got work backed up from February I need to work on!

By patrick on Wednesday, April 9, 2003 - 01:01 pm:

    did you understand me when i said he made the comment with good reason?

    not because it isnt your fault. thats obvious, but rather you need to hear it because in the next paragraph you are getting all paranoid for nothing.

By Spider on Wednesday, April 9, 2003 - 01:41 pm:

    Actually, I would have been better off without the comment.

    Anyway, I have reason to be paranoid. Before I got here, the company hired 6 VPs of some division, set them up with big salaries, big offices, great benefits...and 3 months later they fired them. Part of my responsibilities were acquired after they fired a woman who had been with the company since its beginning and had worked diligently to protect her job by hiding information and using other tactics. They still fired her.

    But enough about that. I should be safe for a while.

By Spider on Friday, April 11, 2003 - 10:59 am:

    This is just an update to tell you that the sorry fucks who maintain the accursed usage report website still have not fixed the problem that is preventing EVERYONE from retrieving ANY of their reports.

    I don't know whom I have to service or what god I have to sacrifice to to get the goddamn thing working once and for all, but I am considering my options.

    My stomach hurts.

By sarah on Friday, April 11, 2003 - 11:00 pm:

    spider, last night i broke out the box of chocolate as glenn, bryan, marrilee and i sat down to duke it out over a game of scrabble and a bottle of wine.

    there's always the gold foil coin chocolate in those boxes, you know? it's like the one that doesn't go with all the others, which are all secretive little truffles with extraordinarily delicate decorative exteriors. but with the gold foil coin chocolate, you pretty well know what you're getting before you unwrap it.

    well, that's what i thought, at least.

    so, bryan chose the gold coin, noting aloud that he always chooses the gold coin**. i peered over his shoulder as he unwrapped it, and to my surprise, intricately engraved on the chocolate coin was Ms. Godiva herself, butt naked, riding on a horse.

    is that sexy or what? i took one look at it and got seriously horny.

    ** which just proves it never would have worked between us anyway.

By Spider on Friday, April 11, 2003 - 11:05 pm:

    I'm glad I helped to expose your and Bryan's incompatibility and avert disaster. :)

    So, who won the Scrabble game?

By sarah on Friday, April 11, 2003 - 11:17 pm:

    well, bryan was the guy i dated for a month last october and he dumped me. i really really liked him a lot, but when he said he wanted to be friends, i was like, yeah yeah, whatever, see ya.

    but he was serious about being friends. and we don't see each other often, but when we do we always have a really great time, lots of laughs.

    marrilee beat me in scrabble, by one point. i am still very bitter about this.

    anyway, thanks again for the chocolate! it was very much appreciated by all of us.

By Spider on Friday, April 11, 2003 - 11:22 pm:

    No problem!

By sarah on Friday, April 11, 2003 - 11:27 pm:

    oh, and we also listened to the CD while we scrabbled. that too was a big hit, and thanks! girl, how is it that ninja tune can put out such consistently great music? it's thematic without being repetitive or boring or predictable.

    that CD is going to sound great in the bitch basket once i get those new speakers installed.

By Spider on Friday, April 11, 2003 - 11:33 pm:

    I know! I totally dig them. Did I put Carpal Tunnel Syndrome on there? That song makes me laugh every time I hear it...it's so cute!

    Is a bitch basket like a meat mobile?

By Spider on Friday, April 11, 2003 - 11:54 pm:

    (I just started having cramps. No wonder I've gotten so mad over this work issue! Ha!)

By kazoo on Friday, April 11, 2003 - 00:41 pm:

    I remember Bryan.

    Spider! I'm so upset if this is making your stomach hurt.

    Heather, Yael, and I have taken to playing cards. Last night I was supposed to go to bed and Yael wanted to come over and see me because her boyfriend is in town this weekend. Heather wasn't home at first when we called so Yael stopped at the store and brought over some chocolate. Around 12:45 Heather called and then she came over to play cards until around two.

    This killed my plans for getting up early this morning and finishing my work but I don't care. This kind of thing wonders for my state of mind; in the midst of all the stress and crap, which just sqeezes my brain and isolates it from the rest of by body, it makes me feel human again. . I didn't have anything like this in Columbus before I met Sem.

By Spider on Friday, April 11, 2003 - 03:56 pm:

    Huh, I always thought Yael was a guy...that just sounded like a Hebrew man's name. I like Yael for a girl.

    What card games did you play?

    I'm a big fan of gin. Poker I'm not so hot at because I care too much about the cards and not enough about reading the people around me. For some reason, that intimidates me.

    My uncle was a Blackjack dealer in Vegas for years, and he once tried to teach me how to count cards. Holy crap, it's so involved! My head was swimming from the get-go.

    Just play the game! Keep things simple.

    Now, Scrabble, that's where you have to read your opponent, so you can think of ways to distract them from the bonus squares and come up with contigency plans if they use that J you had your eye on.

    Is that online Scrabble game still on?

By kazoo on Friday, April 11, 2003 - 04:08 pm:

    I forget what they call it, but the one game we keep playing is similar to Asshole but it has a whole bunch of extra rules. I like gin. I also like poker. And Euchre(?) but haven't played in a long time so I don't know if I would be any good at it.

    My mother is in a bridge club that plays every other Thursday evening. They've been playing for about 29 years. I have suggested to the daughters of some of these women that we should form our own if we ever live in the same area again.

    I like scrabble. I need to get some bored games.

    Yael is not only a girl...she's our girly-girl, lover of glitter and all things sparkly and full of bubbly energy.

By heather on Friday, April 11, 2003 - 06:23 pm:

    one thing: i would like to play the scrabble again...

    also: spider, is it just me or is the place you work a little strange? maybe you should start casting around for something else. you're too smart, diligent and responsible to waste your time working for people who don't seem to have their shit together about important things.

By Spider on Monday, April 14, 2003 - 08:45 am:

    Thanks for the compliments. Yeah, it is a little strange here, maybe because our customer base has grown so large so quickly. If any one of our 6000+ customers have problems with their usage reports, for example, they have to talk to me. 6000 : 1. No wonder right now I have 136 emails, some dating back to February, I have yet to answer. I'm only one man!

    The other departments are pretty well-organized, from what I can see -- it's just sales/customer service that's kinda messy.

    I would start looking for another line of work if I knew what I wanted to do. I don't want to take a job on whim and hope it works out...that's how I ended up here. And I really liked it here for about a year and half.

    It really is okay here, though. I usually work independently, which is best for me.

By sarah on Tuesday, August 26, 2003 - 04:43 pm:

By Spider on Tuesday, August 26, 2003 - 04:50 pm:

    OOhhh, I like that! Track 1 ("Leaches") even has that hardcore reggae I like so much. Thanks!

By sarah on Tuesday, August 26, 2003 - 04:56 pm:


By Spider on Tuesday, August 26, 2003 - 05:03 pm:

    (Track 4 is really nice.)

    Say, have you heard a guy called Rjd2? This is a good album you might want to look into...

By semillama on Tuesday, August 26, 2003 - 05:49 pm:

    He's a Columbus boy. I wouldn't be surprised if he shows up in my building to record sometime (the Temptations were here a few weeks ago, and so was Bow Wow).

By sarah on Tuesday, August 26, 2003 - 06:26 pm:

    no, hadn't heard of him, thanks for the ref!


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