|THIS IS A READ-ONLY ARCHIVE FROM THE SORABJI.COM MESSAGE BOARDS (1995-2016).|
but really, in the bigger scheme, it's incidental. that's not what this post is about.
the first full week of this year has been one of the most intense weeks of my life. everything sort of surges up at once, it seems. you know what i mean? you're just cruising along in life, everything is just dandy, maybe there's a few nagging issues that you either ignore or deal with and move on, but life is good and easy... and then one day, WHAMMO. something happens and shit is blown wide apart.
i've gained bucketloads of clarity in the last 8 days, and today was the climax.
so to speak.
i had been feeling on the verge of tears for a few days. i could tell it was there under the surface, but the tears just wouldn't come forth. i guess they couldn't find the exit to the labyrinth of emotions i've been experiencing.
as you know, i've been discontent at my job for some time. well, not discontent so much as just bored. bored to tears. bored to panic. and what a fucking luxury that is. to have such a great job, a great boss, a salary i can survive on in hawaii... and be bored. but there it is, nonetheless. bored out of my fucking skull. i'm just not learning anything new anymore, i'm not being stimulated like i was the first 2 years. now it's just more of the same.
god, how do those people who stay in the same job for like 20 years.. how do they do that? it's crazy. just crazy. i can't comprehend that. i mean, i don't think it's simply a matter of commitment is it?
i mean, in terms of commitment, would you compare work/career with love/relationships?
shit, another question to ponder. later, though.
anyway, after getting rejected for the kailua ACS job, it really hit home how much i need a job change. being the new year and all, i've resolved to make this a priority and in one week have been hitting it hard, in the best way. making good contacts here, applying for jobs, putting out feelers, and tapping some resources on the mainland. thinking about going back to school, like a vocational program of sorts. i'm certainly not waiting around for the folks who pay me for my internet work to offer me a full time position. that may or may not happen, depending on if we get the venture capital we're looking for. so in the meantime, i'm feeling out every option.
and very quickly i've come to realize that the intense desire and drive to change jobs/career has the potential to spur a lot of other changes. including quitting my job and possibly leaving hawaii for a while. a few months maybe.
and that's huge. that's almost too huge to comprehend, even now, even with this sense of clarity. the thought of going away for a few months scares the crap out of me. i'm mostly scared of how much i would miss the ocean and swimming and surfing and my friends and my father. but more scared of becoming trapped on the mainland somehow.
that's a silly fear, i suppose. but i think deep down that's one of the reasons i got off the plane 3 minutes before take-off back in september when i was supposed to visit family in detroit.
i mean, that, in addition to having just had my heart broken into a bazillion pieces the day before.
what i've realized, again, in a very short amount of time, during the surge, that it's not just the need for a career change. it's need for all kinds of change. even knowing full well how great my life is now, knowing full well that change might not make me better off in any way, that i might make bad choices and be less satisfied in the long run. i guess that doesn't matter. because sometimes you need to give up what you have in order to appreciate it again. and luckily, nothing is permanent anyway. you can always change it back again, in some way. but right now there's just too much sameness. and it's been driving me nuts.
and then i met David.
the beautiful musician boy from new york visiting my friend mike. he and the other new yorkers, they all grew up together. David is 31 years old, single, and sweet. just a really gentle soul. and sexy. and a great kisser.
not that we really mean that much to each other. sure, there was a connection, no doubt. but it's not true love, though it could have been in a different context. if he lived here and i met him surfing. or if i lived in new york and we met in a corner cafe in soho near his flat or something. but that's not how it is. he's just on vacation and i'm a local blonde surfer chick. or something like that, i guess.
it was totally enjoyable meeting him that night on the beach and playing guitar with him. and we snuggled by the campfire in the wee hours of the first day of the year. it was nice. didn't think much more about it.
until two nights ago.
i showed up at mike's party that he put together as a sort of "going away" gig for his 5 friends - including Dave - who were visiting. i got there late, at like 10:30 or 11 p.m. and Dave was taking a break from playing music and he was nearly the first face i saw as i was walking down the long driveway toward the beach front house. there he was and he saw me and smiled a big huge warm smile.
i asked him about the rest of his 5 days in kauai. he told me of the magic he found there with his friends and all the cool things they did. we talked about new years eve. and he kissed me on the cheek.
he and his brother eventually went back to playing music. mike had gone so far as to set up a small sound system outside in his huge yard for David and his brother Jeff (also a musician signed to BMG Europe for the last 5 years) to play for everyone. they're really talented. Dave's original tunes are especially good.
tonight i was supposed to go over there so he could teach me the one that really got to me, the one called "Will You Remember Where You Left Me" but i think it's better if i don't see him again before he leaves.
it wouldn't be this way if we hadn't had sex. but we did and it was fun and it was great. it was nice to be the object of desire for a such a great guy. he waited for me outside the bathroom, and when i came out he took my hand and pulled me back inside and shut the door and locked it. and he held my head in his hands and said, "i really loved it when you sang me to sleep last weekend. you have a beautiful voice."
and then he kissed me. and it was great. we stood there making out until someone else needed to use the loo, and then we went into the guest room where he was staying. and for a one-night thing it was incredibly romantic and tender and passionate. and he didn't even care if we had sex or not, we were just having fun with the sensation of skin and mouths and hands and tongues and hair.
but we did have sex because that's what happens sometimes.
and right afterwards the dread set in.
i composed myself the best i could, after having been in there about 2 hours. my bro Robbie showed up at the party and was outside by the fire playing guitar, so i went over to him and played for a while. i totally ignored Dave after that, figuring that he got what he wanted from me and wanted to be left alone.
ok, so he did follow me out a few minutes later and came and sat with me by the fire. and put his arm around me casually. but then another girl came and sat on his lap and whatever, it was just a fuck. right? i certainly didn't want to be all gushy over him in front of his friends and my friends and the others we didn't know. i didn't want him to know that it might have meant something. and i didn't want to embarrass him or cause him to regret what we did. because that's always how it happens otherwise.
same with that whole deal with michael, of course. pushed him away too, because you don't fuck someone and then fall in love. no no. you fuck and then you get rejected. that's how it goes. that's what i'm used to, at least. but michael doesn't live in new york. he lives in hawaii.
and for some weird reason he kept calling me until i gave in. until i believed.
and *then* he rejected me.
so no way in hell was this going to happen over some stupid albiet fun and passionate fuck over some beautiful musician boy from new york. can't play the fool again.
except that, this time, it made *me* the asshole. because, as it turns out, he is a really nice guy. and i think, in some small way, i hurt his feelings.
last night i was invited out to dinner at Roy's with the new york crew and some other friends. i called (the other) mike's house to thank him for the party, and then asked to speak with Dave. and i said, "Do you mind if i come to dinner with you guys?"
and he said, "of course not, why would i mind?"
and i said, "well, you know, i don't want to make you feel awkward in any way or infringe or make you uncomfortable."
"not at all," he said.
"are you sure?" i asked. "because it's ok to say so. i won't be hurt or offended if you'd rather not have me around."
and he said, "no, really, we're just going to go out and have some good food, it's cool."
and i said, "great, thanks. because i really like hanging out with you guys. you're all a big breath of fresh air for me."
and that was that.
except that, he opened up to me. i won't go into that part, but i thought it was just stuff guys say to woo the girl you meet on your hawaii vacation, to get her to give it up in the guest room at a party in a beach house. except that later i found out that wasn't the case.
yeah, i know. it obviously wasn't meant to be because he lives in new york and i live in the most isolated land mass on our planet. but the fucking weird part is that it turns out it was real. but i found that out too late. during and after dinner it became abundantly clear that i had hurt his feelings by acting aloof and uncaring. by chalking it up to just a fuck. and now what michael did to me, i've done to someone else. and boy do i feel like a big pile of shit.
especially because meeting these new yorkers really affected me. not just dave, but all of them. my peers. lawyers, musicians, and one guy who works for the WWF. (i'm not making that up.) how they made me realize how prejudiced i am against mainlanders. how i assume that none of them really get it. because if they really did get it, if they knew what i knew, they wouldn't be doctors and lawyers living that pseudo-life on the mainland. they'd give all that up for the surfing and hiking and the energy of this place. or a place like this.
but these guys, they get it. no, they don't live in hawaii, but they have a lot of soul. ok, so they hold down good jobs, they care about how they dress. but they don't need to drive a mercedes and they don't need to live in the nicest part of town. in the rat race, but not. and they're just so much fun. i've never really met people like that. (actually, just one, and he's now dating Geena Davis). and these men, they grew up together and they love each other so much. and they're open about their affections for each other. and they get why the hawaii people live in hawaii, and they know why they love the life that they chose.
sitting with ten of us at the dinner table at Roy's, i felt like i was in a movie scene. it was like a lightbulb going off above my head. i forgot it could be like this. i forgot that good people, people who get it, they're everwhere. you just have to find them somehow. they reminded me of something i had forgotten a long time ago.
and so today i hiked up to the peak of Kuliou'ou Ridge with Deeann. an elevation gain of 2,200 feet in about 3 miles. at the top you can see the entire windward coast, from koko head past rabbit island and makapuu to lanikai ridge and the mokulia's and kailua bay - all the way around the island to hawaii kai, hanauma bay down the gold coast and right down into diamond head crater. it's an epic view.
god i love being up high like that... it's one of my very favorite things. and hiking in the woods and rainforest provides a very safe environment for introspection. hiking is a moving meditation. like tai chi or or yoga.
when we got to the top, deeann and i ate our lunch and talked. i asked her how michael was doing, if he and rachel are happy. all that. i allowed myself to hear the truth about them.
then i told her about Dave. i told her that, while we were hiking, i began to realize that all of the rejection i've experienced since way back... since the whole disaster with god and eve... how it's all been stored up inside without me realizing it at all (because i'm a strong woman godammit! i tell myself. their loss! no way can anyone hurt me!) and how after so much rejection i've been conditioned to expect it, and how i sabotage things from the very start.
how common, i know. textbook psychology stuff. and yet not any less painful.
how incredibly painful it is to open your heart to someone and have them completely and utterly reject you.
and she asked me, "is there anything good that you can learn from this?"
and i said, "i haven't found anything. all i find is pain and tears and lonliness. nothing else comes from rejection. and now i'm doing it to someone else because i'm afraid."
and that's when the tears found their way out.
after a while i went by myself to the edge of the ridge and sat facing the east. we were in a cloud momentarily and it rained for a few minutes. and i just sat and closed my eyes and breathed. and i said thank you and also i'm sorry to Dave. and i said goodbye to michael and finally let it go. and i emptied the rest of it all out the best i could. and hopefully i've made room for growth and all of the changes that have been building and building and are right around the corner.
deeann and i cracked jokes and laughed almost the whole way back down.
That was very touching sarah, I hope that you can find your key soon.
You are allowed to pronounce that "Arse-Well".
so, i'm still dealing with fucking up the man of a lifetime. do i say that about all of them? or just the ones i fuck up? no, this one was more than the others. i fucked up hardcore. goddamm that sucks. so regretful and shameful, my behavior. what a class A dork.
anyway, i'm listening to Crossroads - Tracy Chapman.
she somehow makes everything ok.
will someone please remind me of this the next time i'm eating glass? thanks.
I won't show I'm vulnerable
I won't give in first
I will hold out with my love
I will not be hurt
I'm gonna love myself
More than anyone else
Gonna treat me right
I'm gonna make you say
That you love me first
And you'll be the one with most to lose tonight
I won't let my emotions rule my life
I'm gonna keep my heart locked safe inside
I'm gonna be my own best friend
I'm gonna be the one
-- This Time, Tracy Chapman
goddamn, that's too exact.
it's just that sometimes you're lucky enough that they forgive you- or at least give you another chance.
i don't think so. not really, no. i think if i met the right person who was also crazy about me i would get married or whatever, no problem.
the past year or so i've just been having a hard time even getting past the first phase with someone because i've somehow acquired major stage fright. and so i freak out right away.
i had a successful, nearly perfect relationship with the milk drinker, at least in terms of mechanics. but when it came right down to it, i wasn't in love with him. i don't think he was in love with me either. though everything else was a match, the love thing became very clear when i met michael. and michael blew me away. or maybe i just have a thing for musicians.
it's all so typical.
when i talk about stuff like this, i feel like the cheerleader character in American Beauty. tediously ordinary and self-centered.
at the core i realize it's really just fear, doubt, and self consciousness. nonetheless, when it comes to matters of the heart, i have an uncanny power to propel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of paranoia, suspicion, and despair.