Still Waiting When is the last time you had sex?: Still Waiting

By Still Waiting on Sunday, September 29, 2002 - 12:33 pm:

    My wife hates sex. She has no interest in it whatsoever. She is 35 years old and is in pretty good shape. The last time we tried it was 3 months ago. No fondling on genitals is know...getting things heated up. Dry as a bone upon entry..It hurts! She refuses to try any other position but laying on her back. I have lost track the last time we had good sex after almost 10 years of marriage. I know for women that the dynamics of the relationship is important, however, I believe there still needs to be some physical need beneath it all..some form of being horny and wanting it every now and then. I have had plenty of opportunity to have sex some incredible women that have come across my path but have refused since I do have some morals. I can only dream of how incredible it would be to have sex with some of these women.
    Is there any hope left for good sex in my marriage...or has my wife become the biggest "bitch" in town and will eventually turn gay?

By moonit on Sunday, September 29, 2002 - 09:54 pm:

    Why don't you ask her why she doesn't want to?

    Obviously there's some sort of problem.

    Maybe its you?

By J on Monday, September 30, 2002 - 11:05 am:

    Yea I was thinking that too Moonit. Other than the sex problem,how do you two get along? Do you have kids? Do you help around the house and treat her with respect? Do you ever do anything speacial just to let her know you care? Because to be honest with you I got to the point of not wanting to have sex with my first husband because I had no respect for him and I didn't love him,much less like him.I divorced him after a little over a year. You wife sounds very unhappy.

By Spider on Monday, September 30, 2002 - 11:12 am:

    I hope you're not as big of a jerk as you sound. If she hates it as much as you think, why don't you find out what's going on, rather than making her do it anyway? If it hurts for you, what do you think it feels like for her?

By JusMiceElf on Monday, September 30, 2002 - 11:27 am:

    Still, is there any possibility that she is an abuse survivor? That would certainly muddy the waters around her feelings about sex with a partner. Or there may be other reasons that sex has become a burden and not a pleasure for her. Do you have kids? Have the two of you seen a marriage counselor? And lastly, if she tells you that she'd like you to change certain habits or behaviors, are you truly willing to? Marriage is a partnership, and I don't hear much in your post about that. You mention "dynamics of the relationship" without acknowledging your role in how that may have shifted.

By J on Monday, September 30, 2002 - 04:19 pm:

By Still Waiting on Wednesday, October 2, 2002 - 11:14 am:

    Thanks everyone for your responses. Nobody is perfect but we all strive to be the best we can. We have 2 children and I am a dedicated father. I work 7:00 am to 5:00 pm and am off weekends. Trust me I do help around the house, dishes, laundry, etc..etc. Just that I cant help in the mornings because I am off to work early. Spider, nothing is ever forced and I never make her do anything. Every man fantasizes about other women every now and then..married or not. Any man that cannot admit this is a liar. A real man, though, takes control of those thoughts and does not let the thoughts control him where he will do something that he will regret later. Sex for a man is more of a physical need and there are emotional attachments too. If a man never has sex the fantasies with other women come more often. As far as the dynamics of our relationship prior to children life was great. Just the two of us..lots of time alone etc..etc..and sex was never an issue. We could not wait to get into bed together. I am not asking for this now...just maybe once a month would be great! The dynamics has shifted which should be expected after children. Sex is not the same and creativity is necessary to get the juices flowing. I just feel I have run into a wall in this one area of our relationship. I will not give up! I was wondering if any of you women can tell me what an orgasm feels like. The reason is that maybe my wife has never had one and she finds little to no pleasure in sex. She has made many commments to me in the past like "I am doing this just making you happy" ..or "I just want you to have pleasure". I will answer your question now...I do last more than 20 minutes and am not an undersized man so there is no issue there. Every woman has a different sex drive which can be related to testoterone levels and other emotional and physical factors. I am going to schedule a counselor appt. for both of us. You know, there could be some medical issue that we are unaware of. Maybe a visit to the OB GYN would be in line and a blood test. Wish me luck!

By Spider on Wednesday, October 2, 2002 - 11:24 am:

    "maybe my wife has never had one"

    Why don't you ask her? I don't understand why you're not talking with her about this, the same way you're talking to us.

    Maybe she's mad at you for something you don't remember doing, maybe she has endometriosis, maybe she's'll never know unless you ask her. Before going to the counselor, talk to her!

By J on Wednesday, October 2, 2002 - 11:52 am:

    Do you guys get to have some time to your self? Are your kids close in age? Because I do remember a phase I went through when I was just too tired for sex,with 3 kids,I was just exhausted.Come to think about it thats when my husband cheated on me with that skank I thought was my friend Wendy,that bitch that poppin and locking girl reminds me of.Anyway we aren't girls anymore and I still have my teeth,she doesn't all those blow jobs I suspect.

By patrick on Wednesday, October 2, 2002 - 12:01 pm:

    your wife was clearly dumped by the side of the road sometime ago. she kinda fell out of the car while you were busy shoving drive thru in your greasy mouth head bobbing to your favorite heavy metal ballad. the problem is, you have yet to realize she fell out, stopped the car and turned around to pick her up.

    she dusted herself off and started to walk. you have two choices....continue driving, or stop the fucking car, turn around and pray she hasnt gotten a ride with someone else or is willing to get back in when/if you do find her.

By spunky on Wednesday, October 2, 2002 - 12:24 pm:

    dude, who ever or what ever you are, get over it.

    I love sex as much if not more then the next person.

    That being said, sex is not worth jepordizing the relationship I have with my wife.
    That is why god gave you two hands.

By Spider on Wednesday, October 2, 2002 - 12:57 pm:

    Uh, well, maybe. But don't you think a healthy relationship is one in which both people are satisfied with the state of things?

    BTW, my parents' marriage was like this. My father had filing cabinets and closets full of pornography to deal with my mother's "frigidity," and they never talked about it, and they were both miserable, and now they're divorcing.

    It's just pathetic when two adults who have committed their lives to each other and alledgedly love each other (right? right?) are too immature to discuss their problems.

    So listen, Still Waiting: what's the worst that could happen when you bring this up? She could reply, "I don't love you any more. I want a divorce." What's the worst that could happen if you didn't bring this up? She'd approach you on her own and say, "I don't love you any more. I want a divorce."

    What's the best thing that could happen when you bring this up? She could tell you what's wrong, and you could work together to fix it. What's the best thing that could happen if you didn't bring this up? .... Well, you haven't said anything yet, and look how badly it's been going.

    So wait until the kids are asleep or with a sitter for the night, gird your loins, and talk to her.

By Dougie on Wednesday, October 2, 2002 - 01:58 pm:

    Yeah, what Spider said. Damn did you nail that head on the hit.

    (I'll betcha I'm one of Gee's 5 people more annoying than Joe.)

By spunky on Wednesday, October 2, 2002 - 04:33 pm:

    Well, in Eri's and my case, it is not a lack of desire (at least so she tells me) but rather a physical situation. It can cause her great pain.
    Last time she even bled for 24 hours after.
    She needs to see a doctor, and I understand that.

    Does that make better sense?

By eri on Wednesday, October 2, 2002 - 06:02 pm:

    Honey, they mentioned it above. I have endometriosis. It is medical, and the doctors aren't doing shit about it. That is different from what this guy is talking about. He hasn't talked to his wife about this and we talk about it openly with each other and obviously sorabji. It isn't a taboo thing for us to discuss, and we can be open about it and work together on it, but this man hasn't discussed this with his wife.

    If he doesn't know whether or not his wife has had an orgasm, she most likely hasn't. I mean, they are kinda hard to miss.

    Not talking to each other and making the sex life taboo with lead to the things that Spider mentioned. But there is a difference between frigidity and emotional or medical problems. It is whether you discuss it with each other and work on it, or just hide in the dark with your porno collection.

By agatha on Wednesday, October 2, 2002 - 06:37 pm:

    it's hard for some men to talk about these issues. it makes them feel like failures.

    not that i'm excusing the guy, but i can understand that it can be really difficult to bring the subject up, especially when he has young children.

By patrick on Wednesday, October 2, 2002 - 07:01 pm:

    Feel like failures AND impotent (not in THAT way).

    its a vicious circle that needs addressing ASAP.

    You can't allow this to fester.

By Still Waiting on Wednesday, October 2, 2002 - 08:36 pm:

    Thanks again everyone for your opinions. Trust me, we talk often and I have asked many times why no desire. She has no idea either. I doubt she has endometriosis at 35 years old. As far as the orgasm thing she says she thinks she may have had one but is not for sure. None of you still have posted anything regarding what an orgasm feels like to a woman and a normal "tell-tale sign" of one, or multiple. Our relationship is very open. We do lots of things together as a family, camping, windsurfing, fun, etc.etc. If we never have sex again I will still remain married to her because love is not just about sex. I just want to know I did everything I could about this area and want no regrets looking back. I am too damn young to throw in the towel on sex and I dont believe that a sex toy or hand job can ever replace the initimacy experienced with the one you love.

By agatha on Wednesday, October 2, 2002 - 08:50 pm:

    seek therapy. i am not being sarcastic.

By eri on Wednesday, October 2, 2002 - 08:58 pm:

    A quote from a lesbian friend "You KNOW she's having an orgasm because it feels like she is about to break your fingers right off". If she isn't sure about having an orgasm, she hasn't seriously. Seek therapy, seek help. What does being 35 have to do with endometriosis?

By kazoo on Wednesday, October 2, 2002 - 09:03 pm:

    I agree. There is a whole industry dedicated to sexual health. Use it.

By moonit on Thursday, October 3, 2002 - 01:34 am:

    Yeah I've got a 21 year old friend with it who has had it since she was a teen. No kids for her which is really sad.

By J on Thursday, October 3, 2002 - 03:33 am:

    Have you ever gone down on her? And I know a woman that had endometriosis when she was 24,maybe she had an abortion you don't know about.Maybe she's scared to death to get pregnant,maybe you should get a vascetomy and she'd let it rip.But come to think of it,my s/o got one after I told him I just couldn't be a baby machine and I went through a really bad time having Ryan and thats when he fucked Wendy after his vascetomy healed,she lived right by the clinic.My ass would make her a Sunday face.

By Dick Large on Sunday, September 12, 2004 - 12:23 am:

    Maybe his wife is just a lazy bitch who doesn't want to work that hard on sex. He is doomed to life of misery. He can't cheat on her because that would make him the scudgebag. She knows this is killing him. She just doesn't give a shit. If she did she'd make for of an effort. She probably get's everything she needs from the relationship without the effort of sex. A total manipulator - sure, ok, hand over a little lazy, unfufilling sex every now and then to keep him on the leash. Too bad you had kids. Now your screwed. Just wait until the kids are gone and kick her ass out the door.

By Agent D on Sunday, September 12, 2004 - 12:28 am:


By Travis on Monday, September 27, 2004 - 10:33 pm:

    have you found a solution to your problem yet? I am married with a 11 month old son and have the same exact problem you do. My wife absolutely hates sex and everything about it...Can't touch her anywhere's. Hell she won't even let me give her a kiss! Email me and let me know how things are going and let me know if you have any advice!

By wisper on Tuesday, September 28, 2004 - 06:28 pm:

    Let's turn this shit around, shall we?

    That first story makes me very sad.
    If i was a married woman who had lost all interest in sex for the past 10 years, I'd be inclined to hand the husband $50 and drive him to a hooker's.
    Because that shit is just not fair.

    It reminds me somewhat of these 2 gay guys who lived with the idiot wiccan that my crazy ex (lightning bolt! lightning bolt!) was fucking for a short time after we broke up.

    Well, one was gay, one wasn't.
    But they were very much in love.
    Yes they were a couple, and they cuddled and kissed and slept in the same bed. But one was gay, and one wasn't. And the gay one really wanted to do the other guy, but the non-gay one wasn't into that, no matter how hard he tried or how much he loved his partner.
    So the gay one begged the stright one to go out to some club and get laid for god sakes! Guys need to fuck!
    And the straight one told the gay guy the same thing, he could go out to the gay bars and get blown all night long, just as long as he was happy and no longer frustrated.

    But neither of them ever did, because they loved each other too much, and they'd feel guilty, even though they both had permission.

    And that would be the plot of my tear-jerking romantic comedy, if i ever had to write one.

By Gee on Wednesday, September 29, 2004 - 10:43 am:

    what an interesting story.

    I've never heard of a straight guy falling in love with a gay guy, and not wanting him physically.

    I'm not sure what to think of that. I'll have to sit on it awhile.

    hey, whatever happened to those pictures the monkey took?

By kazu on Wednesday, September 29, 2004 - 10:46 am:

    write it wisper

    write it!

By Nate on Wednesday, September 29, 2004 - 01:08 pm:

    november is just around the corner.

By Kazu on Wednesday, September 29, 2004 - 01:14 pm:

    somewhere I have comments written about
    your novel.

    i forgot to send them because i didn't have
    e-mail over the summer and then lost the
    notes when i packed

    have you made any changes or are you going
    to write anything this year?

By Nate on Wednesday, September 29, 2004 - 05:46 pm:

    i started getting ready to work on the second draft. i missed you comments, but didn't want to ask about them just in case you decided to hate me, or whatever.

    i have the next one outlined in broadest strokes. characters and six 'acts'. i need to get everything out of my head and into the outline, and then patch the holes, finish the outline. start it writing nov 1.

    i'll probably wrap up the first book early next year, depending on when i finish the first draft of the second.

By kazu on Wednesday, September 29, 2004 - 05:51 pm:

    i didn't decide to hate you. i liked the book,
    read it in one night.

    just some constructive comments.
    i'll try to find them

By agatha on Wednesday, September 29, 2004 - 10:38 pm:

    I still haven't read it, Nate. I'm sorry. I really want to read it, but I need to read about cataloging right now. Maybe over Christmas break.

By kazu on Wednesday, September 29, 2004 - 10:45 pm:

    i mentioned you in my class the other day agatha

By Nate on Thursday, September 30, 2004 - 12:29 am:

    it's ok, kel. it's a lot to read and maybe not worth it.

By kazu on Thursday, September 30, 2004 - 12:49 am:


By kazu on Thursday, September 30, 2004 - 01:29 am:


By Gee on Thursday, September 30, 2004 - 12:33 pm:

    yesterday was my second shift at indigo. I was admiring a book about Faeries, which was beautiful. later I found out that the woman who was training me was the one who wrote the book.


    I got to work in the kids section. I love it there. I saw "The Hockey Sweater", "Where the Wild Things Are", "Miss Nelson is Missing", various assorted "Ramona Quimby", "Amelia Bedelia", and Shel Silverstein books, and, of course, "The Paperbag Princess".

    I think my favourite was "Miss Nelson is Missing", because for many years now I have remembered the look and plot of that storybook, but could not for the life of me remember the title. it was so satisfying to see it sitting on the little cart waiting to be put back into place.

    also, they have a self-improvement section for pre-teens, which kind of makes me ill. Apparently Dr. Phil's son has witten a book on weight maintenence for pre-teens.

    but I had a good time. until I had to clean up the art section, anyway. that kind of sucked.

By patrick on Thursday, September 30, 2004 - 03:33 pm: it. i know you, like me, have about 5 minutes a day to read, but you'll find that you move through it swiftly and it will hold you in between reads. just shaddyup and read it, you'll be glad you did. promise.

By agatha on Friday, October 1, 2004 - 01:22 am:

    I will. I will.

    You talked about me in class?

By kazu on Friday, October 1, 2004 - 01:28 am:

    Yes. I mentioned you. I was talking about how
    few people know that library science is a discipline
    in a discussion regarding professions that are
    generally associated with women.

By Sleepless on Tuesday, October 12, 2004 - 05:48 am:

    um... how did we get off the thread topic??

    SillWaiting and Travis, I can relate to your agony about not being able to share intimacy with the one you love. My wife is 32 and hates sex also. We're married 10-yrs & have 4 young kids. I'm not a bad looking guy, make good money, help out around the house, and have morals.
    She won't talk about sex and gets offended if I bring it up. She doesnt care about 2-hrs of forplay and goes to sleep w/out giving anything.

    I even got her dr.lara's "proper feeding/care of husband" book, in which explains men's needs... she wont read it. She'll divorce me if porn is involved.

    Finally after 2-weeks of rejection, today we talked about making love tonight...(gave me permission) I'm all exited to come home, watched the kids while she had a 3hr nap (didn't want her to be too tired), got the kids to bed, we both clean up and get ready for the moment, hop in the sack... and she rolls over the "other" way .. not a chance for foreplay...not a chance for anything to develope ..."get the hell away from me" syndrome. Talk about ripping my heart out. (and both testicles) When I obviously had my feelings hurt, she accused me of sulking. I hate mercy sex and masterbation sucks, (but is there any alternative?) I really want someone to be close to and share intimacy with. Why want someone if they don't want you in return. I love her and she's a good mom to my kids, but if she doesn't watch it, or want to talk about it, she'll loose me someday soon.

    I can't go on like this. what does one try next before going nuts?

By wisper on Tuesday, October 12, 2004 - 06:38 pm:

    you two need therepy Sleepless.

    or try getting drunk together.

By Antigone on Tuesday, October 12, 2004 - 07:11 pm:

    Sleepless, hate to say it, but you make glad my girlfriend and I just broke up. She was the same way.

    And we always get off thread topics...

    Anyway, what wisper saaid. Therapy.

By Doomzombie_dapimp on Friday, October 15, 2004 - 12:27 am:

    Haha Im the biggest dick, I say grab a pillow and lube her up....

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