It's so fukked up that I am embarrassed to say. What is the cruelest thing you ever did?: It's so fukked up that I am embarrassed to say.
By XYZ on Saturday, December 20, 1997 - 03:01 am:
    I'll put it amongst the other postings when it is least expected.

By Valerie on Saturday, December 20, 1997 - 10:21 pm:
    Strangled my neighbors cat when I was 13.

By P on Monday, December 22, 1997 - 01:58 pm:
    Hey V, (May I call you that?). . .
    Why did you do it?

By Kelsey on Saturday, December 27, 1997 - 11:32 pm:
    once i threw a wooly bear in a bucket of water to see if it could swim. it was flailing desperately, so i took it out. i felt terrible. do you all know what a wooly bear is?

By PutschUp on Saturday, December 27, 1997 - 11:57 pm:
    No, please tell us. . . . . . . ?

By Got my hand up teacher on Saturday, December 27, 1997 - 11:59 pm:

By B. on Thursday, January 8, 1998 - 03:52 pm:
    When I was 8, I killed a cat, too, Valerie. 4 of them to be exact. I meant to kill them, but the morality of the situation didn't hit me until like a month later. I cried everyday for about 3-4 mos.

By on Monday, January 12, 1998 - 05:28 pm:
    By the way, its actually 2230 hours here in UK.

    I once had a small pair of tropical terrapins who caught some horrible disease which caused their tiny bodies to swell up inside their shells. They looked absolutely gross and, unable to bear their suffering any longer (and they being too small to waste time with a vet) I put one on a metal biscuit tin lid and applied 240V to its back leg and shorted it to the tin lid. I felt like Hannibal Lecter.

    Needless to say, the poor thing frizzled to a frazzle in seconds and I guiltily buried it in the garden. However, I had so many nightmares about this bloody terrapin trying to claw its way out that I chucked the other one in the river where it no doubt died or mutated.....

    Life's a bitch when you're a terrapin!

By Kelsey on Tuesday, January 13, 1998 - 01:38 am:
    i've always wondered what a terrapin is. tell me?

By Jicotea turtle authority on Wednesday, January 14, 1998 - 12:08 am:
    Terrapin is a turtle, usually a water turtle. The best-known terrapin is the diamondback, now rare because they are considered a delicacy. I wouldn't eat a diamondback; they have too much personality. Turtles make lousy pets; if the environment isn't just right they up and die. And you have to be the Bronx Zoo to do right by the environment thing.

By Kelsey on Wednesday, January 14, 1998 - 01:02 am:
    thank you. there is this asian grocery store near my house that has a huge tank of turtles for sale. they swim around frantically, bumping into each other. they are really big. it breaks my heart.

By Jicotea on Wednesday, January 14, 1998 - 02:34 am:
    Yech. I didn't want to hear about that...I was thinking about asians and their diet as I wrote the last posting.

    "Jicotea," by the way, is a Taino indian word for land turtle. Because I live where there is an endangered species of turtle, there is no development around my house, which has thick woods on three sides. So in honor of a little black fella called _Clemmys muhlenbergi_, I call myself jicotea.

    Ed Hoagland years ago when he worked for the Village Voice wrote a wonderful essay on turtles. I can't find the book or its title just now, but it's in one of his several collections.....

By Slacker on Wednesday, January 14, 1998 - 04:01 am:
    when my friend and i were young,his two pet turtles became ill.he was advised to destroy them and so we did,post haste.litterally.we crushed them with a fence post.pretty whacko.

By Fredescu on Wednesday, January 14, 1998 - 09:08 pm:
    Isn't a "land turtle", a tortoise?

By Stone on Wednesday, January 14, 1998 - 09:33 pm:
    i thought it was a Toyota.

By Jicotea on Thursday, January 15, 1998 - 12:09 am:
    Stone: That's BEETLE, hoser. Now take off.

    Fredescu: A Serious Question. Reptile specialists will give you structural differences. I can only do behavioral ones. I recall that you are in Australia and don't know North American beasties. We have tortoises in semitropical and desert areas, high-domed shells, stumpy legs, generally good burrowers.
    They like warm weather, and water they drink but don't swim in.

    In temperate N.A. we have turtles equally at home in and out of water, genus Clemmys, very appealing turtles running as adults from five to ten inches in length, sometimes a little more. We also have Box Turtles (genus Terrapene) which look vaguely like tortoises but somehow aren't, and which are incompetent swimmers, bobbing on the surface like corks.

    And of course there are lots of water turtles, including some large, bad-tempered types that one handles with care (Snapping Turtles, genus Chelydra). Those are abundant and successful, seeming notto care how foul the water may be.

    There has to be a turtle website with pictures. I'll try to find it and report back..

By Fredescu on Sunday, January 18, 1998 - 09:40 pm:
    Yeah, it's true. To me, as to most Australians, turtles are creatures that are a gazillion years old, swim a gazillion kilometers across the sea to a beach where it lays a gazillion eggs. Approximately a gazillion of these, when they hatch, are killed by their gazillion possible predators. Whenever this occurs, there is always a gazillion people standing around, shining a light up its egg shute, and a voice over saying "this is a one in a gazillion oppurtunity", which is strange because everyones seen it about a gazillion times on the teev.

    Tortoises are creatures that seem to instinctively know where the middle of the road is.

By Slacker on Sunday, January 18, 1998 - 10:04 pm:
    yeah,it's me as it is to most canadians,the word gazillion,is spelled Bazillion.

By Fredescu on Monday, January 19, 1998 - 04:56 pm:
    Really? Do you spell Gallon, Ballon? We spell it "four and a half litres"

By Slacker on Monday, January 19, 1998 - 05:02 pm:
    so do we dude. metric systems been in use here for decades.except in football.go figure.

By Christopher on Monday, January 19, 1998 - 06:08 pm:
    You know, all these years after having learned the metric system, I find it pretty funny that the only things I've ever used it for is drug purchases. It even has its own slang (Wellllll, I guess it is more economical to go with the eight-ball...). Of course this is entirely off the topic of the original posting, so as an act of obligatory confession, I'll admit to shorting a friend a half gram of coke back in 82. there. I feel much better.

By Slacker on Tuesday, January 20, 1998 - 03:32 am:
    man,back in 82 i was still peein in my pants.i think i was 16 at the time.

By Deeboh on Tuesday, January 20, 1998 - 05:55 am:
    Ya Bastard! Ya Shorted me! Iffn only i news were ya wus. i'd git ya ya bastard

By Christopher on Tuesday, January 20, 1998 - 02:43 pm:
    Gee , I was 18 in 82, but it was the coke that made me greedy. Mea Culpa, folks. The only coke I'll do now is in red bottle. Besides , it helps with the cotton mouth I get from all that grass I've been smoking. Now, uh...what was I saying?

By Scrunch on Tuesday, January 20, 1998 - 10:48 pm:
    I wasn't even born in '82. Had to wait two more years 'till that happened. I'm feeling maybe just a little immature right now. Is there anybody on here that is still actually going to school?

By Slacker on Wednesday, January 21, 1998 - 01:53 am:
    hey man i'm still going to school.i'm studying to be a ninja.
    the cruelest thing i ever did.
    i put a circus midget in my ass.

By Nasty Bitch on Wednesday, January 21, 1998 - 03:10 am:
    Yeah good onya little ninja boy.

    Want to be a Ninja Turtle hey? Then some other little cock sucker and his friend can come and destroy you with their fence posts. Now THAT'S pretty whacko isn't it.

By Slacker on Thursday, January 22, 1998 - 01:23 am:
    that's totally whacko.
    how could you have possibly known about such an obscure reference from my childhood.
    unless,perhaps,you have mysterious secret powers that allow you to extract excerpts from my previous entries which i have posted for all to view?
    although i don't recall anything about sucking anyones must have received this information from an unreliable source,or your dad.

By Golden Boy on Thursday, January 22, 1998 - 11:22 am:
    Got piss drunk, and then started hitting on my friend's girlfriend..she hit back, and we did the nasty all night long...after that night we avoided eachtother for six months when she broke up with my friend and told him what we did...he sent me an e-mail to never show my face around him again.....i have not seen him since and is a large reason i dropped out of that school...i couldn't handle the fact that he and all my old friends turned their backs on me...whatever happened to the art of was cruel to myself, my so called friend, but not to her..she won't even give me the time of day and loves to snicker at my disfortune...that is life for you....fuckin sux

By Slacker on Thursday, January 22, 1998 - 03:47 pm:
    eat my shorts

By R.C. on Thursday, January 22, 1998 - 07:25 pm:
    Well, GB -- just goes ta show ya/drinking & good judgement don't mix. But she was a damnfool for telling him about you AFTER they'd split up. That was a Nasty Bitch move. She must have still been pissed at you for not speaking to her for 6 mos. after you did her. Hell hath no fury...

By Jicotea on Thursday, January 22, 1998 - 10:10 pm:
    like a woman horned only once....

By R.C. on Thursday, January 22, 1998 - 11:37 pm:
    LOL! Jicotea -- you're terrible! I think Slacker is becoming a bad influence on you.

By Slacker on Friday, January 23, 1998 - 01:09 am:
    it's true.
    i'm a bad influence on everyone.
    but it works for me.

By Jicotea on Friday, January 23, 1998 - 09:51 pm:
    slacker can't influence me in any way. he's got to come up with a better line than "eat my shorts," which would not be considered an attractive proposition by anyone I'd let in my house. Besides, he has no sense of humour. How could he, poor boy, descended from dour Caledonians and living in one of North America's numerous anii mundi (I assume Toronto; it's one of the few places west of Montreal where you can plug in a computer.

By Le Cabbie. on Saturday, January 24, 1998 - 01:04 am:
    Jicotea; You are obviously one of the people that is shut into a small universe that includes eastern Canada,I heard you just got electricity.We really dont gtve a shit about you goofy frenchman. freeze!!!

By Wolf on Saturday, January 24, 1998 - 01:25 am:
    Le Cabbie? "freeze!!!"? Who the fuck are you? Don't be pickin' on Jicotea. Small universe indeed.

By InSCHOOL and loving it on Saturday, January 24, 1998 - 01:32 am:
    slack: you pissed your pants when you were 16? Holy Hell!!!!

By R.C. on Saturday, January 24, 1998 - 02:24 am:
    Look -- Jicotea said y'all have a few good record shops. What more do ya want from a place that's frozen solid 9 mos. a year? And if Canada /being foreign/is one of the assholes of the world/what's that make Pittsburgh? And most of New Jersey? And all of Arkansas?

By Slacker on Saturday, January 24, 1998 - 06:46 pm:
    and when you piss your pants and it's freezing outside you get real fuckin cold.

By Slacker on Sunday, January 25, 1998 - 10:40 pm:
    today i stuck to a fire hydrant.
    oh ya,i'm high.

By Bad girl on Wednesday, February 18, 1998 - 01:00 pm:
    one time i was so frustrated with a friends baby i made ugly faces at it until it cried.

By Christopher on Wednesday, February 18, 1998 - 01:06 pm:
    LOL...Thats really funny...Uh...I mean, its actually pretty funny...but....

By Pete on Wednesday, February 18, 1998 - 01:56 pm:
    I, uh....I stomped on a bunch of frogs or toads or whatever when I was much younger. There were dozens of them and me and some other person just started doing a tap dance all over their little green slimy bodies. I feel bad now. Please kill me...

By Scrunch on Thursday, February 19, 1998 - 12:08 am:
    You know what? It's not very smart to catch a marshmallow on fire when roasting it over a candle, and then try eating it. Your tongue puts out the flame, but you mouth also gets burnt at the same time. I have absolutely to idea why I posted that here. I guess it was just on my mind. Oh, yeah! It's not very smart to stick a fire cracker in a piece of pizza, stick a plate over it, and then light it either. My friends and I tried it at a sleep over. The pizza got all over my friend's carpet. Good thing it was a going away party.

By Chrashtopher on Thursday, February 19, 1998 - 02:10 am:
    Dear lord. That poor pizza.

By Pete on Thursday, February 19, 1998 - 09:10 am:
    Better the pizza than a terrapin!

By Golden Boy on Thursday, February 19, 1998 - 09:15 am:
    as a kid i used to walk around the lake parks in my city with a handful of blackcats and sneakily drop or toss them in one by one into strangers grills..and stand back and watch their reaction as one blew up as they flipped a burger......

    maybe that is why i got good at running.....

    huff pufff wheeeeezz gasp.,...cough..

By Zoomzoomboom on Tuesday, April 14, 1998 - 10:22 pm:
    R.C. thinks Pittsburgh is a bad place for some reason. Pittsburgh is a terrific place. I lived in Los Angeles for 27 years. Some folks would think that LA is really bitchen. Life sucks when you have 7 feet between your house and your neighbors...FOREVER. The worst thing about Pittsburgh is the LOCAL GOVERNMENT (a common affliction just about anywhere these days).
    Western PA is abso-fukin-loutley beautiful...especially in the spring.

By CarrieAnn on Friday, April 24, 1998 - 06:02 am:
    Ok, for some reason I get the feeling like you all (or most) know each other. I'm feeling very left out here. How can I join your little sorority!? *giggle* Or do I even want to know the initiation. I get the feeling it involves lighting firecrackers while ingesting flaming marshmallows as your peeing your pants in freezing weather while electricuting your terrapin. Hrmm, well it's not a Monday, so I guess I can handle that.

By Christopher on Friday, April 24, 1998 - 01:13 pm:
    I only had to swallow all the fish in my aquarium.

By CarrieAnn on Sunday, April 26, 1998 - 06:42 am:
    Hrmmm... sounds easy enough. Lucky you. *grin* Dare I ask what kind of fish/how many. ;p

By Bart on Sunday, April 26, 1998 - 02:37 pm:
    I didn't get an easy initiation like that! I had to steal Jebediah Springfield's head! D'oh!

By Wayland Smithers on Sunday, April 26, 1998 - 02:49 pm:
    Yeah, well I had to GIVE Jebediah Springfield head! And he's really not very good in bed anymore, if you know what I mean...

By Plaid chad on Sunday, April 26, 1998 - 06:00 pm:
    So far this is the funniest group of postings I've read! How ever I'm very fond of turtles! But the rest was very funny but what happened to the original post? you know the cruelest thing you ever did!.. I did the frog stompin' thing too but I dont remember who with was it you pete?

    I'm glad I don't have to live with the cat or turtle cruelty! I wouldn't be able to stand myself!

By CarrieAnn on Sunday, April 26, 1998 - 10:03 pm:
    I already posted my 'cruelest thing' to a different place. Alias's are nice. *grin*

By Chrashtopher on Monday, April 27, 1998 - 01:37 am:
    I reiterate. We know if you've been bad or good. Now put down that stick, CarrieAnn, and leave those kittens alone.

By Markus on Monday, April 27, 1998 - 09:26 am:
    That's right, CarrieShmarrie. We think you should buy new magazines for him. But something a little more interesting this time, with a "letters" column, maybe. If the photos irritate you, get him grooving on the printed word.

By Pete on Monday, April 27, 1998 - 02:10 pm:
    Chad, I did mine in Buffalo, NY...probably in the early 70's...I do feel horrible about it now...

    A couple of weeks ago, I'm coming home from work and see a kid outside my apt. complex with a ferret and a big stick. I thought the ferret was his, but now I'm not so sure...the ferret was dragging his back legs as if he couldn't walk on them. I now imagine that this kid was using the stick to break the ferrets legs...god I hope that wasn't what he was doing. Future serial killer on the loose....(and why didn't anyone protest Valerie's posting up top? That is one seriously sick girl...)

By CarrieAnn on Monday, April 27, 1998 - 05:52 pm:
    *grin* Marckus... You win the gold star for the day. You've exposed me for the evil woman that I am. *lol* It's not even a problem anymore. Never actually was & I have a feeling that post made it sound worse. But hey, I got some interesting feedback. Heh.

    Moi? Beating poor little kittens with sticks? For shame that you even suggest a thing! I did however used to pull the legs off those spiders, 'daddy long leg's ' and watch the legs continue to wriggle even after detached from the body. And we'd also take hairspray and a lighter and go find a spiders web... and then there was the time......

By Doves on Tuesday, July 28, 1998 - 12:45 pm:
    you people are a very sick crowd and have nothing better to do than torture poor helpless animals and smoke pot.

    Can we recommend a counselor for your mental problems.

By Zoophile on Tuesday, July 28, 1998 - 03:19 pm:
    i had a goat in my backyard one time...came back cuz she seemed to like it.

By Carrie on Friday, July 31, 1998 - 01:12 pm:
    Oh god, all this talk of turtles reminds me of something mean I did to my mum's tortoise. Shes had it at her parents house for like 40+ years (turtles live for bloody ages). Me and my brother were visiting, ad thought it would be fun to feed it bits of stuff. We fed it Mars bar. We - okay, Im going to say 'I' from now on) I picked a big bit of chocolate off and fed it and it got it stuck in its mouth, like rammed open sideways. It couldnt chew it and just made wheezing noises for ages. I managed to pull its jaws apart and get it out so I guess Im not that cruel.

By Carrie Ann on Wednesday, August 5, 1998 - 03:06 am:
    Eeek, another Carrie. Heh. Confused me for a second there and I had to come make sure I hadn't posted unknowingly. Cuz, well I'm capable. ;P

By Hugh Jass on Thursday, August 6, 1998 - 02:28 pm:
    The worst thing I ever did was to fool around with my friend's girl friend. Well, he wasn't much of a friend any more seeing as how for the 2 weeks before that he hadn't talked to me because he thought I was fooling around with his girl friend. Anyways, she stayed here one night (we were already good friends) and one thing led to another and before I think either of us knew it, we'd done it.

    The worst part about it is that almost straight after they broke up (not because of me. It stayed a complete secret) she came and asked me out. I couldn't be with her because I felt so bad about breaking them up (which wasn't really my fault. I just thought is was and it kinda was. She left him for me but not because of what happened. She just said she fell in love with me). Then later when I got over it I begged her to take me back but she said that she didn't feel the same way about me because I'd used her before (I didn't mean to. Honestly, If I've ever been in love, this was it) and that she didn't want anything to happen because I'd hurt her like I did before.

    I suppose it doens't count at the nastiest thing I've ever done, although, doing it to her behind my friend's back was pretty nasty. It's more of the stupidest thing I've ever done.

By Scrunch on Sunday, September 6, 1998 - 02:34 am:

    Hmm. . . the cruelest thing I ever did? I guess that would have to be stealing away another chick's boyfriend. I suppose that I did deserve getting called names such as *censor* and *censor* everytime I walked down the hall, but I don't regret it. Jordan and I are still together.

By R.C. on Sunday, September 6, 1998 - 07:36 pm:

    Hey ScruncH -- I got yr e-mail/but when I responded to the e-mail came back as undeliverable. If you've got another e-mail address I can reach you at let me know.

    There's some weird server lockout thing happening btwn AOL & Mark's domain -- sometime I can access the boards/other times I get a big "ACCESS FORBIDDEN" msg. So if you post something to me & I don't get back to ya/it's not becuz I'm being a bitch.


By Scrunch on Sunday, September 6, 1998 - 11:06 pm:

    Yeah, there's something wrong with that e-mail address. I guess our stupid internet company decided to disconnect it or something. (retards)
    So anyway, the e-mail address I usually use is See ya!

By Starchy on Monday, September 7, 1998 - 06:23 am:

    Doves: You're the one referring to yourself in the plural. 'Nuff said.

By Slackers wife on Wednesday, September 9, 1998 - 01:43 am:

    Is this site screwing up or is someone claiming to be me? I've seen my name and I haven't posted it. Anyone else having the same problem?

By Markus on Wednesday, September 9, 1998 - 09:10 am:

    Only on the new messages view - it sometimes takes headers from other threads and puts them under another. But the messages aren't actually there, it's just a listing bug.

By Slackers wife on Monday, September 14, 1998 - 11:18 pm:

    hey Markus,

    Thanks for the explanation. I thought maybe the voices were hitting the net to torment me. Cause they do ya know! Damn voices. Bugs good! Vioces bad!

By Brownlips on Tuesday, September 29, 1998 - 03:22 am:

    I never did anything cruel to anyone.. but the cruelest thing ever done to me was when a girlfriend I liked very much cuffed me to the bedpost and sat on my face. She smothered me and then as I was gasping for air.. she defecated into my mouth and made me eat her shit. I gagged so bad I thought I was gonna die!

    Has any woman ever done this and if so...why???? I just want to know what goes inside your head. Please Email me your response. Thanks

By Kelsey on Tuesday, September 29, 1998 - 11:00 am:

    i have never done that to anyone. however, i did hear a rumor from one of my spin magazine working friends about david byrne and the fella from they might be giants, and some sort of defecating activity. note, i said rumor.

By PetRock on Tuesday, September 29, 1998 - 01:16 pm:

    My freshman year roommate, who wanted to room with me sophmore year but I said "not a chance in hell" (well not really. It actually came out as mad laughter. I'm not stupid you know....well, not THAT stupid - heh).

    So where was I? Oh yeah - my freshman year roommate, uhmmm....defecated on the bed of his roommate that next year, on the last day of the school year. So you can see why I didn't want to room with him again.

    All he did to me (well, not really "all", but this one stands out in my mind) is projectile vomit all over my dresser one night. When I woke up, he was drunk out of his mind and dancing around in the vomit. I think he loved how he could slide around in it on the tile floor. The vomit ran down the front of the dresser and got into all the drawers.

    So I used HIS towels to clean up while he went back to being drunk, stupid and passed out in his bed (with vomit on his feet).

By Liam on Tuesday, September 29, 1998 - 01:57 pm:

    That's really disgusting. I'm not sure which is grosser though, you having to clean up the vomit on your drawer, or knowing that this guy is laying across from you with vomit on his feet.

By Slacker on Wednesday, September 30, 1998 - 12:42 am:

    once i ate a bunch of puke. while at least that is what seems to have happened. i don't remember eating it but it sure the hell came shootin' out of my big dumb head. so the way i see it, i must have consumed it at some point but events are quite sketchy after the drinkin' wild turkey part.

By Karia on Wednesday, September 30, 1998 - 05:50 am:

    I was at school and was about 6. This girl always bullied me and my friends, then on day she fell on one of those grided heaters and burnt the back of her legs, not badly but still painful. Anyway one day I had just had enough of her so I grabbed her hair to hold her still and kicked all the scabs of her legs. It wasn't a nice thing to do even though she was always horrid to us but suprising she was never nasty to us again, infact she became a good friend, but I just look back and think it was horrid.


By PetRock on Wednesday, September 30, 1998 - 01:30 pm:

    No...horrid would be if you collected those scabs and used them to brew up a pot of tea. That would be horrid.

    What you did was give that girl what she had coming to her....I wonder though if either of you ever talked about that again?

    Liam -- yeah, it was pretty disgusting having to clean up the dresser (remove all the drawers, wipe them out, wash everything that had been tainted by the projectile vomit, mop up the floor, etc. and all at 3am or something like that).

    When I asked him why (after he had sobered up so it was probably a week or two later - heh-heh) he did it on my dresser, his answer was that he sure wasn't going to do it on his! Bastard....

    I told my mom about it in passing, she told a neighbor who then told her daughter, who was at the same school and same year. Jack ended up chatting with this girl and she asked him if he knew who my roommate was because she had heard the vomit story from her mom - she didn't know yet that Jack WAS my roommate. So I got a little bit of revenge (and Jackie didn't get to 1st base....hehehe)

By Liam on Thursday, October 1, 1998 - 11:48 am:

    Good for you PetRock! Was this at Potsdam?

By Karia on Thursday, October 1, 1998 - 02:07 pm:

    PetRock, no we never did talk about that again and I have a really nice photo of us hugging at her 8th birthday party.


By PetRock on Thursday, October 1, 1998 - 09:14 pm:

    Liam - yeah it was. Well Clarkson actually....

    That fat bastard used to do what he called "flying hip rolls" or some such crap. Basically it meant jumping on me while I was asleep in bed...I used to call them flying hippo rolls. He wasn't really fat....he was supposed to play hockey (Clarkson is a very good hockey school) but he was kicked off the team in the first week for stealing a jersey. So he ended up drinking (lots) and puking (lots). Of course I did my own fair share of both....

    Karia -- you just ruined my image of you. In two short years you went from kicking scabs off of a poor crippled scarred girl to hugsies at the birthday party. Please tell me that after the party you stomped on her feet or pulled her pigtails or something....

By Slacker on Friday, October 2, 1998 - 01:57 am:

    i kissed a girl
    and i think i got cooties

By Karia on Friday, October 2, 1998 - 07:54 am:

    PetRock, Don't worry I can be a nasty piece of work only I developed a sense of been more selective, for example my first boyfriend was someone who is now scarred for life where I clawed at his face in a playground brawl..
    And later is life (13+) I kicked a bloke in the bollocks who was in a frog frame (broken both his legs) and the teachers just laughed because they disliked him so much (had bullied other kids since he was 8 or something). I leave my adult antics unspoken I know people who read these board and although I use an alias they would soon work it out.


By Reknball on Thursday, October 8, 1998 - 02:43 am:

    Frog frame?
    Tinman, Scarecrow, Lion and me are still skipping our way to OZ.
    Please translate to Canadian. eh

By Slackers wife on Sunday, October 18, 1998 - 04:30 am:

    hey slacker,

    they're my cooties, GIVE 'EM BACK! you said you just wanted to borrow them. liar.

By Slacker on Monday, October 26, 1998 - 04:20 am:

    they're in the fridge next to satan's severed head.
    i love you

By Slackers wife on Tuesday, October 27, 1998 - 05:20 am:

    Sweetheart, Satans head wasn't severed. he's alive and well and living in the basement. you know that, I know that. Problem is that Satan doesn't know that. Satan's stupid!!

    I love you too

By Reknball on Wednesday, October 28, 1998 - 02:03 am:

    Get a room.

By Slacker on Wednesday, October 28, 1998 - 04:11 am:

    this is our room you freakin' voyeur.

By Reknball on Thursday, October 29, 1998 - 01:05 am:

    Sorry, I'll be waiting in the hall with the jizz-mop.

By Slacker on Thursday, October 29, 1998 - 12:49 pm:

    that's funny, and flattering.

By Lucy Phurre on Monday, January 11, 1999 - 03:45 pm:

    Didn't have time to read the rest of the post, but I have a suggestion for euthanizing turtles.
    It comes from a Freak Brothers comic, where they have turkey for Thanksgiving dinner, and Freewheelin' Franklin decides to kill it humanely by giving it an overdose of reds.
    Let the little critters die happy.
    Maybe you could give them an o.d. of coke.
    (Would a tweaking turtle move faster?)

By Wavydave on Thursday, July 15, 1999 - 03:29 pm:

    When I was in sixth grade, this girl named Jenny Martin sent her friends over to tell me that she liked me. I was new to the area and pretty shy, so I told them I wasn't interested. This started a two-week campaign of terror in which her frineds would bug me every day so I'd "go out" with Jenny. It escalated one day when Stephanie Sutphen, an amazon warrior or a 7th grader, chased me around at recess and thrashed me pretty good. As she was sitting on my chest I acquiesced to her request to go out with Jenny Martin.

    Well, going out with Jenny consisted of sitting on the bus with her in the mornings and afternoons. Sometimes, she'd hold my hand. After a week, her friends came over to tell me it was all over because I was "weird."

    Jump forward to the 10th grade. Jenny sits across from me in English class. She's the most popular girl in school. I'm a typical lower-caste almost-nerd.

    I feel this irresistable urge to fart, so I slip it out slow and silent.
    It horrendous.

    I sit, calm and collected while a cloud of death rolls over the class. Jenny Martin is the first to encounter it.
    "EEeeeeww. Someone far...ACK!" and she gags.
    I made the most popular girl in school gag on a

    The foul emission swept through the rest of the room and generally disrupted the class. I got away scott free.

    It's not really cruel, but it's a cool story, eh?

By Magickality on Thursday, July 15, 1999 - 04:31 pm:

    ah, revenge can be sweet and smell foul at the same time.... what a kick-ass story, wavydave.

By J on Thursday, July 15, 1999 - 04:45 pm:

    Oh My God,I don,t know why I,m compelled to tell anyone this,but here goes.I was pregnant,and on medication so not to get morning sickness.I thought when I farted that it would be silent,and it was,but it was stinky,I got so flustered that I could feel my face getting red,I was in the check-out lane at the grocery store,I could hardly make out my check.I was mortified.

By Waffles on Thursday, July 15, 1999 - 05:18 pm:

    i have to say that I am convinced women don't fart, they poot baby powder, right?

By J on Thursday, July 15, 1999 - 05:22 pm:

    You were not in the check-out lane,thank God

By Agatha on Friday, July 16, 1999 - 01:01 am:

    i fart like crazy, and with frequency. sometimes, they smell worse than others. they never, however, smell anything like baby powder.

By Wavydave on Friday, July 16, 1999 - 03:16 am:

    Bummer - I thought I'd typed up another fart story, but it seems to have been swallowed in the intracacies of cyberspace.

    Oh well... another day maybe...

By Waffles on Friday, July 16, 1999 - 11:48 am:

    oh, god, just the thought of a girl farting, just the two words together in a sentence, makes me woozy, but I am anal that way and my wife has convinced me she doesn't fart,

By Silly on Friday, July 16, 1999 - 12:06 pm:

    Sucker,eveyone farts,really.

By Sarcasticwaffles on Friday, July 16, 1999 - 12:35 pm:

    uh.....sucker....I assure I am aware of biological fucntions that all humans deal with, it's just i live in a woreld of make believe, it's made of cards, delicate card with 50's pin up girls on em, and I don't need your silly ass to be blowing my house around.........really

By Wavydave on Friday, July 16, 1999 - 12:39 pm:

    *sigh* guess I'll re-type my fart story that disappeared yesterday.

    It's 8th grade. There's this really good-looking, well-developed (for a 8th-grader) girl named Jamie that I walk home with every day. I'm in band with her - she knows that I like her. She knows that my best friend Rus likes her. She teases us mercilessly and plays it to the hilt.

    So, one fine afternoon, Rus and I go over to her house to talk with her. We're standing in the kitchen chit-chatting with her and her mom. Everything's going fine.


    I needed to fart.

    So I hold it. Everything's cool. The conversation seems to be wrapping up, so I can wait.

    But the conversation drags on. The pressure builds. Rus (that moron) keeps bringing up things to keep us there. I REALLY need to fart. The door is just out of arm's reach away, but we just can't seem to get out of there.
    So I decide to let it out slowly, silently.

    I relax and BRRRRRRAAAABBBBBBPPPPPPPPPTTTTTT - it's like a sonic boom. Everyone's gaze locks onto me.
    Her father, in the living room, fixes me with a steely glare across the couch.

    What do you say? I didn't say a thing. I started for the door. Her sister, waaaaaay back in the farthest reaches of the house yells, "Did someone fart?"
    "Yeah, Dave did!" Jamie answers.

    We make our escape. Rus is striding across the yard. He's furious with me. I try to say something and he hits me "I can't BELIEVE you did that!"
    "Hey" I say, "I could've said 'I didn't do it, Rus is a ventriloquist.'"
    He's not impressed.
    (note: there's a debate, to this day, as to whether I said that outside, or that's what I said right after I farted.)

    I continued to hang out with Jamie. I continued to go to her house and chat with her and her mom. Her dad never seemed to like me. Her sister took a major dislike to me (she was in band too, 2 yrs ahead of me). They brought up that story whenever I came over, often when family or friends were there.

    About 5 years later, the story comes up again. Jamie's mom tells it to her brother while I'm there visiting. I say something about being mortified. They're surprised. It seems that when they were younger, her mom's brothers used to fart really loud to try and impress guests. They thought I was doing the same thing on that fateful day.

    So, for 5 years, her mom never realized that the fart day was one of my most embarrasing moments (up to that time).

    Kinda weird.

By J on Friday, July 16, 1999 - 01:03 pm:

    And really funny.

By Agatha on Friday, July 16, 1999 - 01:58 pm:

    waffles, she farts all right. sorry to crush your reality. i have never heard my mother fart, either, but i'm convinced that it's her secret dirty pleasure.

By Waffles on Friday, July 16, 1999 - 02:00 pm:

    ....(sigh)...well YES of course I know this, jeeeeze peeps be ruin my schtick

By Gee on Sunday, July 18, 1999 - 12:18 am:

    Relax dude. I'm a chick and I can assure you on behalf of my people, we do not, nor have we ever, broken wind/passed gas/cut cheese/etc. It's a myth. Women really have no bodily functions whatsoever. We only use the washroom for idle gossip. Now back to happy lala land with you to rest your head on a marshmellow pillow and dream sweet lollypop dreams.

By Waffleboy on Monday, July 19, 1999 - 12:59 pm:

    thanks Gee for attempting to keep my schtick alive........ however its gone

By Swine on Monday, July 19, 1999 - 02:39 pm:

    siva nataraja threadkiller deluxe.

By MoonUnit on Monday, July 19, 1999 - 11:30 pm:

    heh gee makes me laugh.

    my boyfriend hates it when i fart, but its okay for him to do it and pull the blankets over my head... what is it with guys and they way they do that huh? huh??

By Waffleboy on Monday, July 19, 1999 - 11:41 pm:

    pull the blankets over your head? wow, people really do that sort of thing?

    i guess i have issues.....

By Waffleboy on Monday, July 19, 1999 - 11:42 pm:

    better yet....GUYS actually do that sort of thing........does he give you wedgies too or wet willies?

By Wavydave on Tuesday, July 20, 1999 - 12:03 am:

    The blanket thingy is called a Dutch Oven in some circles. Not that I've done that ... not that I've really had the opportunity to do that in quite a while ... check the "celibate and single" thread on the Last time you had sex topic. Soy un perdador.

    i'm sitting here idle while our network guy reboots the print server.

By MoonUnit on Tuesday, July 20, 1999 - 01:26 am:

    he does it to be funny. its not. but hes a boy.

By MoonUnit on Tuesday, July 20, 1999 - 01:27 am:

    uh forgot to mention that i liked your pics Waffle.... ; )

By Waffleboy on Tuesday, July 20, 1999 - 10:23 am:

    thanks your too kind

By J on Tuesday, July 20, 1999 - 01:37 pm:

    Turn the farting table on him MoonUnit,next time you have to take antibiotics,eat some eggsalad,and give that boy something to think about.

By Waffleboy on Tuesday, July 20, 1999 - 01:45 pm:

    ohh god, J!!!!!!!! why do have to go there, DAMN, that imagery is gonna stick,,,,,,,,damn damn damn

By Gee on Sunday, July 25, 1999 - 03:55 am:

    How do you picture something like that? I mean...are you imagining the Smell or what?

By Waffles on Monday, July 26, 1999 - 12:18 pm:

    the whole thing, the thought of egg salad and......ah hell forget it, it's still a bad thought....

By SoSorry on Friday, September 24, 1999 - 11:27 am:

    A long , long time ago, I threw rotten oranges at a retarded girl.

By Nate on Friday, September 24, 1999 - 03:44 pm:

    did you hit her? was it funny?

    i bet it was.

    don't let PCness get in the way of a good laugh.

By Steve on Friday, September 24, 1999 - 04:50 pm:

    when i was 16 i killed my pet bird by putting bleach in its water. that was mean ....and i once punched a 90 year old guy in the eye, his face was like mush

By Jinafishes on Friday, September 24, 1999 - 07:26 pm:

    Ewwwwwww gag.

    I once painted some tent caterpillers purple to make them pretty, they hardened up. :(

    One time my friend was trying to kill a swallow cause they had nested on the side of their house and were shittind down the side of the house. She kept missing like 8 or so times, and I was like gimme that. Shot it the first time. I felt horrible. Friend shot it again just to make sure it was dead, put it in the bush. Few hours later her brother comes in, "Hey look what I found, maybe we can help it." I was like My GOD. I felt even worse. But I love my fish Mr. Fishy.

By Rhiannon on Friday, September 24, 1999 - 07:46 pm:

    PC-ness aside, cruelty is never funny.

By Semillama on Friday, September 24, 1999 - 10:05 pm:

    Every one who kills a cat comes back in their next life as a mouse. I don't know what I'll get for laying the smackdown on Bambi a couple weeks ago.

By Swine on Saturday, September 25, 1999 - 12:46 am:

    you'll be reborn as a sexually-molested Disney-child whose father keeps screaming,

By Semillama on Saturday, September 25, 1999 - 01:02 am:

    Aw, shit.

    at least the little bastard won't be serving as a host for deer ticks.

By Simon on Saturday, September 25, 1999 - 05:38 pm:

    There is no cosmic penalty as long as you eat it.

    You DID eat it, didn't you?

By Semillama on Saturday, September 25, 1999 - 07:27 pm:

    Are you kidding? The meat would have been all bruised up and everything. Besides, there's no room in my freezer for a deer carcass, much less any carcass. I let the ravens have it.

By Bambi on Saturday, September 25, 1999 - 07:58 pm:

    geeze, man.

    you strap the carcass to your car and take it to be butchered. they will usually make steaks, deerburger, sausages, stew meat, some may cook it or make jerky. then you take it home and start fobbing it off to everybody you know so it will stay in their freezer for months until they eventually throw it out.

    you don't leave it there.

By Semillama on Sunday, September 26, 1999 - 01:51 pm:

    Too late now. and i don't know enough people to foist it off on anyway. even a small deer like that.

    Besdies, something's gonna eat it no matter what, be it humans or ravens and maggots, so I don't see what difference it makes.

    I blame the whole incident on manray 19, who I was listening to on the tape deck at them time.

By Rebecca on Thursday, October 28, 1999 - 11:08 pm:

    Poor Bambi!:(

By Your_goddamned_mom on Friday, October 29, 1999 - 02:37 am:

    Let this be a lesson to everyone.
    Look both ways before crossing the street, also bush and floss after every meal.

By MOM on Friday, October 29, 1999 - 02:39 am:

    ......and spell BRUSH correctly.....

By Nate on Saturday, October 30, 1999 - 03:41 pm:

    it makes more sense as "bush".

By Sherbear on Thursday, February 17, 2000 - 10:02 am:

    When I was sixteen, I had an arguement with my grandmother. She's never been the most intelligent woman, and I shouldn't have gone as far with the arguement as I did, but I was truly pissed at the woman. We were arguing about how I should respect my mother more. She went on to say how much she missed her mother, and if she could, she'd want to dig her up and give her a big hug (I told you she wasn't all that smart.) Well, I reminded her that she'd been dead since 1983, and that her body would have decayed quite a bit since then, so if she did try to hug her, it would be quite disgusting. She began to stutter, saying that that was impossible, as they had gotten an airtight coffin, and there was no way...just no way... and proceeded to start crying. There I was, 16 years of age, explaining to my 53 year old grandmother what happens to people's corpses when they are dead for ten years. This would also qualify for the only thing that I regret.

By Cosmo and Tricky on Monday, April 10, 2000 - 08:55 pm:

    The other night, we were walking through the streets of london when we saw a dying hedghog, that looked like it had been hit by a three ton truck, as it's rear end was squashed and it's guts had popped out and were lying by the side of it. was still alive, and we thought a bit of D.I.Y surgery would help the little bastard out. So we got a twig, a box of matches, and some gasoline and proceded to re-introduce it's vital organs to the gaping hole in it's abdomen. After achieving this, we attempted to seal the hole by cuiertising the wound, therefore sealing the guts back in. Immensly proud of ourselves as a result of our succesful operation, we lit a cigarette each to celebrate...we had used all the lighter fluid we had during the rescue operation so lit a match each and chucked them away...unfortunately the gasoline canister we had been carrying had been leaking and had formed a trail leading away from the hedgehog, who was still lying where we had left of the matches lit the trail subsequently incinerating the poor half dead hedghog...the only comfort we take is that it was a quick death as we had made extensive use of the gasoline.....and he tasted yummy!!

By Bell_jar on Monday, April 10, 2000 - 10:12 pm:

    ugh!! i don't feel so well after reading that.

By Jeff on Tuesday, April 11, 2000 - 03:01 pm:

    If you kill it you should eat it

By Tricky and Cosmo on Wednesday, April 12, 2000 - 12:51 am:

    We did, and last night we went out and caught a pigeon, flame grilled it, and drank its blood. We highly reccomend it to all of you. Just remember to remove the feathers first, and that blood always tastes better when its warm.


    p.s. if you want any other serving suggestions or new recipies please email us at the address given :) we will reply...honest.

By Sid on Monday, June 26, 2000 - 09:39 pm:

    I don't mind emberassing stories, ie. farts,
    but people who are cruel to animals really
    piss me off. Don't people have anything
    better to do than torture defensless creatures?

By Jeff on Monday, August 7, 2000 - 02:47 am:


By Lassie on Thursday, October 26, 2000 - 04:44 pm:

    To all you sickos out there,
    like TRICKO & COSMO, JEFF etc. !

    People with no remorse should be tortured
    even more than how they torture helpless
    animals !
    You don't deserve to live on this earth !

    Please do the world a favor and kill
    yourselfs, or the very least,
    have someone escort you to the mental institution,
    where you can live happily ever after among your
    evil peers.
    At least you're out of the way and can't hurt
    any poor screaming soul anymore,... GET IT !!!

By Kalliope on Friday, October 27, 2000 - 09:20 am:

    I gotta agree. This cruelty to animal stuff...I can't hang-jive with it.

    Which is why I'm redirecting the conversation back to farts.

    (That and I almost peed myself reading Dave's posts)

    When I was in fifth grade I had this teacher named Mr. Casey. He was my favorite. He had a pet tarantula and always wore leather elbow patches on his jackets. He was a complete nerd. I loved him.

    Fifth grade is around the time I started to become a huge unpopular dork as well.

    One day Mr. Casey decided to read to us. So we all sit in a half circle around him and he starts reading. I was sitting with my legs sprawled out in front of me. Suddenly, in the middle of him reading, it came from nowhere.

    The worst fart of my life.

    I remember faintly the feeling of falling backwards while this machine-gun like fart spit forward from my body in rapid succession. Directly towards Mr. Casey.

    The whole class moved away from me...cries of "Eww" and "Oh Gross!" surrounding me. And the fart wouldn't was like one little one right after another. I think I'd been saving up for years....

    I still remember it. That's how mortifying it was.

    I let one quietly in class the other day too. Kid next to me started curling his nose. (Silence just made it much more foul.) I pointed to the old guy in front of me.

    Scott free baby.

By Lassie on Friday, October 27, 2000 - 10:22 am:

    Hi Kalliope,
    Thank's for agreeing,
    we animal loving people must stick
    together !! ;-)

    But hey, why did you post your story
    in THIS column, "The cruelest thing
    you ever did" ?
    There should be one for
    "The funniest thing I ever did" ! *giggle*
    Well anyway, I found your post quiet
    amusing :-)
    On the other hand, one can see it
    either way - cruel or funny...
    I wouldn't have wanted to be your
    classmate then !

By Isolde on Friday, October 27, 2000 - 11:36 am:

    I almost pissed myself. Omigod. That's so funny.

By patrick on Friday, October 27, 2000 - 12:27 pm:

    *shakes head looks at the groud*

    god damn, i just would'nt shut up back then.

By heather on Friday, October 27, 2000 - 03:36 pm:

    and you had a different name

    and people still used upper-case regularly

    and rc was here

    and i never talked

    how's everything by the way?

By patrick on Friday, October 27, 2000 - 04:36 pm:

    ok, sorta

By Kalliope on Friday, October 27, 2000 - 07:24 pm:

    fluffy fluffy fluffy

By Nita on Monday, January 21, 2002 - 10:44 pm:

    I had a pet iguana and I cut the tail off it died a week later. A had some fish once and took them out the tank and smashed them alive to scare my little sister. I feel so bad that was really mean

By TBone on Tuesday, January 22, 2002 - 12:34 am:

    Oh my shit! How could you do that? Someone should cut your tail off and doom you to a slow, painful, week-long death!

By Czarina on Tuesday, January 22, 2002 - 12:25 pm:

    Its too bad your boyfriend hasn't already come to his senses and dumped you, you tail plucking,fish smushing, sister warping, "Oh,I just want someone totally wonderfull to love ME", piece of shit.

    Just,praytell, exactly what kind of a monster is it that you expect to fall in love with you and worship the torturous path of cruel and painful activities you have left strewn in your wake?

    Please tell us that you are not only dense,but infertile,too.

By heather on Tuesday, January 22, 2002 - 12:50 pm:

    the dense seem to be very fertile

By J on Tuesday, January 22, 2002 - 03:12 pm:

    There should be some kind of test where say your I.Q. is below a tennis score it would automatically steralize them.

By The Watcher on Tuesday, January 22, 2002 - 05:52 pm:


    I suggested that once.

    But, was told it was cruel and inhuman.

    And, besides we tried that ages ago. It didn't work.

By heather on Tuesday, January 22, 2002 - 06:08 pm:

    and the dense never see themselves as part of the density

By Nita on Tuesday, January 22, 2002 - 07:41 pm:

    You guys are all miserable shit heads,like you are angels from heaven or something. I'm really a good person

By Reverend Sanctimony on Tuesday, January 22, 2002 - 07:53 pm:

    Good People don't torture animals. Nascent serial killers kill animals. You are fortunate that you are female, and as such, fall largely out of the societal factors that help form sociopathic psycopaths. Your only hope is to join a convent. You MUST do this, or face an eternity in the fiery lake. I'm terribly sorry, but there is no alternative.

By semillama on Tuesday, January 22, 2002 - 08:03 pm:

    You think angels are miserable shitheads?

    Hmm. That's possibly the most interesting
    thing you've said.

    If you ate the animals you killed then OK, but
    apparently that's not why you offed them, it
    was for your own pleasure. Bad girl, no oral
    sex performed on you, for you.

By Jimmy Bong on Thursday, June 6, 2002 - 09:39 pm:

    You people are a bunch of fuckin whiners. Not to mention boring as hell.

By Nate on Thursday, June 6, 2002 - 10:52 pm:

    at least we aren't sitting around with our cocks in dead goats.

By LoneStranger on Friday, June 7, 2002 - 01:44 am:

    Speak for yourself.

    Oh, damn. My goat is still alive.


By Nate on Friday, June 7, 2002 - 02:01 am:

    my clock says 9:11 PM but it is wrong.

By J on Friday, June 7, 2002 - 02:31 am:

    Jimmy Bong is a monkey fucking piece of shit,what's happening with you that makes you think you aren't the piece of shit that the rest of us can tell you are.Fuck you in the ass.I have issues.

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