i fear learning that my most basic preceptions are not based in reality

sorabji.com: What are you afraid of?: i fear learning that my most basic preceptions are not based in reality
By Nate on Monday, July 13, 1998 - 03:05 am:
    and i don't mean sight and sound, et al. i already have experienced enough to know those fail me on occasion.

    i mean those things i know -apriori-. what i know to be right and what i know to be wrong. the most basic reasonings behind the things that i do. beliefs so ingrained that i cannot recall their conception; that which the logical mind would assume is just part of truth. blatent truth. undeniable truth.

    but then something will happen to make me question that which is unquestionable. i think i will truely slip then. slip right on out of this mental comfort zone and instantly into unexplored territory. reason will no longer be relevant because reason is one of those things governed by undeniable truth. it is a product of that which is known without learning.

    something will happen that will plainly show me that i have become corrupted. not my thoughts, but the way my thoughts are formulated. an error in the mechanics, not the produce. an error extreme and unignorable.

    i've already found how easy it is to condition my mind to react one way or the other. i can adapt to anything, i think, given some time.

    when i was in 5th grade i saw my first "R" rated movie. Platoon. the scene in which some soldier bashes the brains out of the one legged vietnamese man has stuck in my brain since. i was horrified by the violence and gore in that movie. i had lead such a sheltered life before then. my mother was so careful to keep me from the evils of the world.

    probably a year or two after that a friend of mine had a slumber party. he rented the nightmare on elm street series, one through three. to save face i forced myself to laugh at the gore. i didn't want anyone to know how horrified i felt. by the third movie i wasn't laughing on purpose. and i wasn't feeling horrified.

    in some six hours i completely desensitized myself to violence. i because intrigued by gore. i became intrigued with death. most of all, i became intrigued with finding things that would recreate that initial feeling of horror i had, so that i might stamp out every occurance of my weakness.

    i can remember injecting bleach into the bellies of toads and watching them die. i remember a lot of things that i shouldn't repeat. i remember too much.

    when i met Alia i decided that i didn't want to be this hardened, cold person anymore. i re-sensitized myself to violence. over the years i became quite the violence wuss. a few months ago we watched Air Force One. i was disgusted and, ach, horrified by the violence in that movie.

    at that point i realized that i shouldn't let the media dominate me as such. so i began to re-desensitize myself to violence. and it's been working.

    it's so easy. it's so easy that it scares me. i am easily conditioning myself to think in a certain way given a certain stimuli. pavlov's dogs, i guess. but the question is, where does it stop? which of my processes are bonafide origninal processes and which have been created by years of conditioning? which ones can i change? which ones might change and cause my psyche damage? enough damage and i will be a frosty vegetable sitting in some nice mental hospital patient lounge.

    what happens if i erase the moral gut urges against things like lying or murder?

    i bet i'm fucked already. people aren't supposed to be able to affect their brains in such a way.

By PetRock on Wednesday, July 15, 1998 - 01:07 pm:

    look into my eyes N A T E

    look deep, deep into my eyes N A T E

    you are getting very sleepy. very sleepy....

    soon, you will be under my spell. (my very own slave - heh) oops...

    N A T E....you are getting sleepy....

By Nate on Wednesday, July 15, 1998 - 06:04 pm:

By Quidam on Saturday, July 18, 1998 - 01:44 am:


    I once had the opportunity to see the inner workings of a Nerf factory. It stunk really bad in there. But they gave me a free Nerf football, so it wasn't all bad. Immediately afterward, in the parking lot, my brother threw it up on to the roof of the factory. Then we went home.

By DARRIN on Saturday, July 18, 1998 - 03:05 am:
    Move over ANDY ROONEY of 60 MINUTES...here comes QUIDAM!hehehh That's precisely what your post reminded me of!

By Antigone on Monday, July 27, 1998 - 11:41 pm:
    Nate, you have hit upon a singular truth of human existence: everything can change, even the very basis of who and what you are. Every molecule in you body is replaced every seven years. Why not every thought? Why not every piece of your "eternal" soul?

    This too shall pass.


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