cyst going to her reunion dateless What are you afraid of?: cyst going to her reunion dateless

By Nate on Tuesday, August 31, 1999 - 01:08 pm:


    i have this idea that by increasing the occurance of odd situations, i can positively effect the world.

    so anyway, do you have a date for your reunion yet? because if you don't, i have an idea. i have this strapping young lad living in a room in my house. i can fly him to portland for the weekend. it could be an adventure.

    let me know ASAP if you're interested. i'd still need to pitch the idea to him, and then buy the ticket.

By Cyst on Tuesday, August 31, 1999 - 03:38 pm:

    duh. post his photo on the web.

    how tall is he? can I wear my black leather minidress with three-inch heels (more and I couldn't get drunk)? that would put me at, what, 6'6.

By Cyst on Tuesday, August 31, 1999 - 03:43 pm:

    you also have to tell me about your attempts to sell me to him.

    if you show him the photos, you have to tell me what he says. tell me what he asks about me.

    also, tell me your ideas for what the storyline is going to be. no fucking way would I tell the truth on this one.

By Cyst on Tuesday, August 31, 1999 - 03:45 pm:

    you're going to show me his photo before you tell him, right?

By Nate on Tuesday, August 31, 1999 - 04:13 pm:

    uh. no.

    i blew that. i'll have to bring the photo in tomorrow.

    can i e-mail the pics? i don't have any webestate.

By Cyst on Tuesday, August 31, 1999 - 04:41 pm:


    is he cute? how old is he?

    sorabji performance art.

By Nate on Tuesday, August 31, 1999 - 04:52 pm:

    send me an e-mail so i have your addr.

    he's 24. a good looking man.

    here's my pitch. it's kind of long and boring.

    ME: you want me to fly you to portland?
    HIM: for what?
    ME: highschool reunion
    HIM: Um...there's a slight flaw...
    ME: ?
    HIM: A) My highschool reunion hasn't transpired yet.
    B) I didn't go to highschool in Portland.
    HIM: what the fuck are you talking about?
    ME: pfft. technicallities. i want you to be the date of someone i don't really know.
    HIM: ummm. So I can wind up in mayo jars categorized by my body parts?
    HIM: It's probably a guy.
    HIM: 40ish
    HIM: perverted...
    HIM: and into young looking guys.
    HIM: and mayo.
    ME: sheeit. you know i'd never knowingly send you into danger.
    ME: at least not for something trivial.
    ME: it's a woman.
    ME: well traveled. interesting.
    HIM: the operative word is knowingly. And how do you know it's a woman.
    ME: she has some pics on the web. i'll find them.
    ME: brb
    HIM: Why would you want to do this?
    HIM: Altruism is not your style.
    HIM: Well, at least not with strangers.
    ME: i think it would be neat.
    HIM: You've been looking at my pope John playing cards again, haven't you?
    ME: ya, i've been horny a lot lately. but that has nothing to do with this.
    HIM: stay out from under my bed!
    HIM: hold I go.
    HIM: man, it's fucking cold in this house.
    HIM: brrrrb. gotta grab a sweater.
    HIM: ok
    HIM: man, I bet it's in the 50's downstairs at our place.
    ME: no shit?
    ME: it's all sunny here.
    HIM: photos from france, huh?
    ME: i guess.
    ME: they're all inside, so who really knows?
    HIM: true. it could be in a rusted out trailer somewhere near the mexican border.
    HIM: umm. well, hands down, she's fuckin' beautiful.
    HIM: which makes me wonder...
    HIM: a couple things...
    ME: ya?
    HIM: why can't she find a date?
    HIM: and why is she going to her reunion?
    ME: idunno. being all over europe and the ex-soviet union for the past as long as i have heard from her probably has something to do with the date issue.
    HIM: hmmm...yeah. fuckheads are pretty plentiful to boot.
    ME: going to the reunion, i can't answer that.
    ME: but i'm going to mine
    HIM: I'm bringing a bomb to mine.
    HIM: but I'm not staying to have a blast...
    ME: uhm. huh?
    HIM: hey, if I brought a bomb to my reunion, wouldn't that be a blast form the past?
    HIM: uh...from.
    HIM: have you ever spoken to her?
    HIM: I like the black and whites
    HIM: cool blurring...
    HIM: kinda like the chris and carrie kiss shot...
    HIM: that's gotta be the next framed one.
    ME: i've never spoken to her voice.
    HIM: well, how's she sound in text?
    ME: i'm going to do up the three of mike playing bass first.
    ME: she's literate, intellegent, thoughtful.
    ME: well traveled. she doesn't seem to have any of the lame "chick" hangups.
    HIM: yeah, those are cool too. but they'd be stoked to get that picture...we should find out when their anniversary'd be a killer gift.
    ME: i got to pay mike off first.
    HIM: he said he'd take a hummer.
    HIM: again.
    ME: well, that would be easy. did you pay him, or should i have you go back and pay him later?
    HIM: ouch. you got me.
    ME: what was it this time? my superior intellect, or my scathing wit?
    HIM: she's got sexy hair. the one with her face covered by the camera and the hair piled up on top is sweet.
    HIM: I go now to see our blinking savior.
    HIM: I thought he was supposed to blink...
    ME: wink
    ME: foo'.
    ME: you didn't see it?
    HIM: He licked his lips in an erotic fashion...
    HIM: I feel violated...
    HIM: oh well, I guess that's not a new sensation when dealing with modern organized religion.
    ME: let jesus violate you.
    HIM: again and again and again
    HIM: three times. don't make me explain.
    HIM: so she's witty and all that huh?
    HIM: what's her name?
    ME: oh shit. i was hoping you wouldn't ask that.
    ME: all i know is "cyst"
    HIM: yuk.
    ME: i know.
    HIM: I mean, you could see cyst as a name that's a symbol for potential...
    ME: potential what?
    HIM: seeing as most cysts burst...
    HIM: or a flower..
    ME: let's not talk about cysts.
    HIM: but I'm having trouble getting over the blatant clinical images...
    HIM: I'm seeing long needles
    HIM: and stitches...
    ME: anyway, i just read that she wants your pic before i pitch this to you.
    ME: i guess it's too late for that.
    HIM: wow. I think I just enabled myself to skip lunch.
    HIM: well, I don't think any pic of mine is gonna match hers..
    ME: i'll snap some nudies tonight.
    HIM: she's pretty far up in the aristocracy of the physically great.
    HIM: nudes of me huh?
    HIM: I'll have to work out first.
    HIM: if were gonna do this, we'll have to get the cats in there.
    HIM: all the cats in the neighborhood.
    ME: i don't have a clue what you're talking about.
    HIM: do it right.
    HIM: my nude pics.
    HIM: can't you see it? naked me with a bunch of cats cruzin' around..
    HIM: yeah...
    HIM: maybe a can of schlitz...
    ME: no thanks.
    HIM: come on...think of it. you're at work. it'll be fun.
    HIM: So, why the pictures of herself?
    ME: no.
    ME: so anyway. i know you don't have anything else going on, so you want to go to portland?
    HIM: Hold on...I mean, why me?
    ME: because i can't go.
    ME: biotch.
    HIM: ahhh...good old default Ian....grand.
    HIM: hmmm....
    HIM: portland....
    HIM: beautiful intelligent girl....
    ME: yeah, not really your bag. nevermind.
    HIM: yeah...
    HIM: fuck you.
    HIM: so how much have you talked to her about this?
    ME: i just pitched it today.
    HIM: forgive the questions, it's just been awhile since I flew to another state for a blind date with a girl who travels the planet and takes pictures of herself...
    HIM: what'd she say?
    ME: pthhbb.
    ME: she wants to see your pic.
    ME: i figure i can talk you into it, so i'll let her decide.
    HIM: do what you will.
    HIM: I'd have to talk to her
    HIM: make sure she's not into canning...
    ME: canning? tomatoes? pears? etC?
    HIM: human
    ME: oh yeah. the mayo jars.
    HIM: yahey
    HIM: so she's a thinker?
    HIM: It'd suck to spend an evening/weekend/ whatever with a fucking unimaginative degenerate...
    HIM: what's she do for a living?
    ME: i have no idea.
    HIM: or do you know?
    HIM: oh.
    ME: apparenlty she's currently in turkey buying a rug for someone.
    HIM: where'd you meet her?
    HIM: I bet it doesn't say "welcome" on it.
    ME: no no. not a welcome rug.

By MapleLeaf on Tuesday, August 31, 1999 - 05:19 pm:

    Nate............priceless............should be framed!!!!!!!!!!!

By J on Tuesday, August 31, 1999 - 05:34 pm:

    Really,but don,t put down degenerates,some of us are entertaining,even do tricks!

By Nate on Tuesday, August 31, 1999 - 05:35 pm:

    damn, J... you're not a degenerate.

By Cyst on Tuesday, August 31, 1999 - 06:24 pm:

By Nate on Tuesday, August 31, 1999 - 07:16 pm:

    i don't think he's been to portland, though i might be wrong. we turned left when we hit the columbia river enroute to idaho a few summers back. that might be the closest he's been.

    he went to cal poly with me.

By Nate on Tuesday, August 31, 1999 - 08:02 pm:

By Cyst on Thursday, September 2, 1999 - 05:00 am:

    jilted! I'm too tall for nate's roommate.

    it's ok. I'm reopening the interview process. please send all relevant information, a photo and a non-refundable application fee to

By Cyst on Thursday, September 2, 1999 - 05:01 am:

    or maybe I'll list the possibilities among people I actually know, and we can have a sorabji vote.

By Nate on Thursday, September 2, 1999 - 12:47 pm:

    clarification: you're not too tall for my roommate, he's too short for you. his last girlfriend was taller than me.

    but i have a nicer rack.

By Nate on Thursday, September 2, 1999 - 12:49 pm:

    clarification: you're not too tall for my roommate, he's too short for you. his last girlfriend was taller than me.

    but i have a nicer rack.

By MapleLeaf on Thursday, September 2, 1999 - 12:54 pm:

    sorabji stuter ??

By MapleLeaf on Thursday, September 2, 1999 - 12:55 pm:

    sorabji stutter ??

By Nate on Thursday, September 2, 1999 - 01:07 pm:

    who knows how that happens.

By J on Thursday, September 2, 1999 - 03:09 pm:

    Cyst,he odviously wasn,t man enough for you.

By Nate on Thursday, September 2, 1999 - 03:42 pm:

    poor ian. i'll try to let him down easy.

By J on Thursday, September 2, 1999 - 04:59 pm:

    Does he drive a big truck?

By Waffles on Thursday, September 2, 1999 - 05:34 pm:

    is that code for something big J

By J on Thursday, September 2, 1999 - 05:41 pm:

    Yea,big truck,little weenis.

By Waffles on Thursday, September 2, 1999 - 05:43 pm:


By LittleTruckDriver on Thursday, September 2, 1999 - 05:45 pm:

    It seems J has had a bad experience...or at least an experience which has remained on her mind.

By Lawanda on Thursday, September 2, 1999 - 06:01 pm:

    Wow! 6'6"? I don't even know anyone that tall. Cyst, aren't you used to going out with guys shorter than you?

    Simon is 6'2", but he's unavailable to all other women but myself for eternity.

By Cyst on Thursday, September 2, 1999 - 06:09 pm:

    I like guys who are 6'1 or 6'2. the last guy I dated or whatever was my height, and I didn't feel as important.

    I'm 6'3. my college roommate, a beautiful brunette girl, is 6'2. the seattle times had a stupid feature asking for readers' suggestions for ideas for seattle-based tv shows. a friend of ours suggested "double tall," a sort of gen-x "cagney and lacey" starring me and her. instead of hanging out at the doughnut shop, we'd use the set for that cafe in frasier or something.

    they printed it.

By J on Thursday, September 2, 1999 - 06:19 pm:

    My son is 6,4,but he,s only 19 and even though I love him,well lets just say,I should have named him Jethro.

By Cyst on Thursday, September 2, 1999 - 06:21 pm:

    ok. here are some people I could ask to go to my high schol reunion with me. I'll post excerpts of email from them, and you can help me decide who to ask.

By Cyst on Thursday, September 2, 1999 - 06:30 pm:

    bachelor number one, with whom I once spent the worst new year's eve in my entire life, and they're usually pretty bad:

    from a letter to the oregonian -

    In an overview of the Big Stink in the August 6 A & E, Curt "I Know Nothing!" Schulz discusses the "merits" of the future British garage attendants now working as Orgy. Schulz mentions the track "Blue Monday" from their recent CD , and attributes it to Joy Division. Naturally anyone -- without their Pulp shoved up their Curve -- at all familiar with Alternative 101 can testify how New Order, the Joy Division spinoff, recorded "Blue Monday" as a 12" single in the early 1980s before signing to a U S major label. Sort of the same mistake one could make by blaming the death of Nicole Simpson on the entire roster of the 1973 Buffalo Bills.I learned a little phrase growing up on these mean cul-de-sac streets of the Pacific Northwest. If You Don't Know, You Better Ask Somebody. Perhaps The Oregonian should drug test every "special" writer immediately after they fall from the short bus. Refreshing to see how the Big O still stands for O-Blivious!

    from an email message to me -

    What is with women and the phrase "our Evan"?
    He got that at (company name) also.

    I guess I should be proud to be referred to as "G., that smart, funny guy who drank too much and turned out to be a real jerk?"

    The liquor store experiment lasted 4.05 working days.

    I gather you've heard something of my exploits through the grapevine.

    Suffice to say, I've nearly singlehandedly destroyed almost everything I value in life in five short months. I've alienated friends and colleagues at a startlingly efficient rate. At least no one can refer to me as "our G."

By Cyst on Thursday, September 2, 1999 - 06:34 pm:

    bachelor number two, the top candidate at this point:

    mmm. wonder if that is a real site. (opening Netscape) wow, it is and I thought I made it up. "Nubile novice says `Please try my other hole.'" that's almost as exciting as the Delia's catalog.

    what can I tell you that's new. s. and I went to Vancouver this weekend. it seems like girls in Canada are a notch less pretty than here, so they wear proportionally less clothing to make up for it. plus it was a warm weekend there so there was so much great ass I could barely walk for the priapism.

    perhaps I should be more charitable to imperfect women. do you know the French proverb that translates as "all cats are gray in the dark. "I came up with the variation "all women are beautiful in bed" and thought I was very clever until I read that Flaubert thought of it long ago.

    on the subject of French literature, I'm now reading some short stories of Guy de Maupassant. just magazine stories, but that's about as intellectual as I can get during the summer. also rereading _Howard's End_ and smugly reminding myself how bored you are by Merchant Ivory movies.

    that's your tragic flaw, I think; you're never really going to be an exotic intellectual type of lover; never anyone's Anais Nin. better practice being more carnal.

    love you anyway,


    p.s. love your pictures, especially face.jpg --don't you think you really ought to be modeling now that you've got the Twiggy body you've alwayswanted? pity not to share it.


    re Merchant Ivory. you saw "The Remains of the Day" at the theater in Wallingford a few days before me. after I saw it you asked me during coding at (...) if I liked it. I said I did. You said, "really? it was soooooo boring." maybe you were trying to impress Deran or somebody with your unconventionality.

    anyway, I thought of that only because I read _Howards End_ again -- finished it last night. I remember crying buckets at the end when Leonard is killed when I read the book before. this time I was just puzzled. I need somebody to explain it to me.

    there is a quote from Leonard Trilling on the back of my edition of the book, talking about how the book is an allegory of the class war, and Howards End the house represents England. I don't get that at all. I'm not good with symbolism. I hardly even understand what Stephen King is getting at in his stupid way in _The Stand_.



By Cyst on Thursday, September 2, 1999 - 06:39 pm:

    bachelor number three, whom I like too much to ask:

    first of all, you really know how to stuff a bikini. you have the two crucial assets: great hips and good taste. (...) if this is uncomfortable terrain, or if you've already been over it with a million other of your bewildered, sexless, platonic male friends who feel somehow confronted, or if you just don't want to discuss it, though, feel free to laissez tomber and just not.

    i loved your journals. they really made me miss you. i read every one. it occurs to me that you really do live not only the external life everyone else is too afraid to dare even consider, but the internal life everyone secretly aspires to, as well.

    your romantic-heroic-mundane escapades are filtered through such a gloriously blase perspective, which seems always to be just this side of either unraveling completely into total desperation or exploding into utter glory, like your rich future husband is about to rollup in a vintage daimler limo and whisk you off to some castle.

    you come across like the most exotic real person i could ever hope to know. and it seems effortless.

    there's a short film i once saw called "marcello, i'm so bored" that your narrative voice reminds me of.

    i always feel like there's a very familiar corner of your brain for me to nestle into as you tell your stories; like i'm the invisible one sitting behind you in the expat bar watching you watch the frat boys watching you. you've let yourself be a great writer and you'd be crazy not to write a book. it seems like you're already halfway there.


    reading about your exploits i was reminded of all your perfect postcards (i found one the other day that said "life is sweet. no plans to move back. post-communist wasteland has its charms") i never answered, and the time i sent you desperate email asking when you were coming back from prague and time zones be damned you answered immediately and it seemed (in my all fervid ferventness) like we were impossibly close.

    i don't mean to be all prostrate at your altar or nothing, but there's so much of you in your chronicles that i was sort of caught off-guard.

By Cyst on Thursday, September 2, 1999 - 06:43 pm:

    bachelor number four -

    I didn't have a girlfriend when we had class together. And, it was a stinking honors class! I thought the point was, we were all supposed to be smart-ass know-it-alls! It was our chance to shine.

    Didn't really work, though. Pretty much none of the girls in those classes were nice to me.

    If I'd dated you in college you would have made me psycho, probably, since the sex thing would have had me totally your slave, but you were unstable (well, so I'm told) and that would have made me crazy. So, it's probably better I'm getting to know you now. ... Now I feel this profound sense of loss, especially after (...)

    I mean, I've always thought you were very beautiful, and when we started talking many months ago, I found you very interesting. And then, honestly, (...) I realized you weren't just beautiful and willowy but you were also drop-dead gorgeous (entirely different things), and that increased my potential interest.

    But I'm not trying to start something, I'm just being honest.

    I don't think you would knock me over. I'm 5'11 on a good day, and I out-mass you by quite a bit, and certainly out-muscle you. I think I'm secure enough that I could date a taller woman and still be the dominant one, which is what I figure the whole tallness issue is about.

    Frankly, I could pick you up and throw you down on the bed and have my way with you, and that's what matters.

By Antigone on Thursday, September 2, 1999 - 06:50 pm:

    Bachelor number three is in love with you. Ask him out. Even if you "like him too much," whatever that means...

By Waffles on Thursday, September 2, 1999 - 06:56 pm:

    number 1 is a drag,

    number 2 lost it with the line: that's your tragic flaw, I think; you're never really going to be an exotic intellectual type of lover; never anyone's Anais Nin. better practice being more carnal."

    number 3 is a winner i think, so muster up the balls.

    otherwise number 4 is runner up

By J on Thursday, September 2, 1999 - 06:56 pm:

    Ask him Cyst,number three.Like him too much to ask sounds like your afraid you,ll be turned down and you won,t,I,ll bet you:)

By J on Thursday, September 2, 1999 - 07:02 pm:

    Shit I missed number 4,but I,m still going for 3,but I do know short men try the hardest,and I admire that.

By Rhiannon on Thursday, September 2, 1999 - 09:02 pm:

    Well, if I were you (which -- I am painfully aware -- I am SO not), I would skip number 3. He's too gushing and **sensitive**. Blecch. Number 1 seems too pretentious. Number 2 seems just really banal. Number 4...hmmm...seems earthy and honest. The winner!

    (Jeez, Cyst, I wish I had your problem. The only time four men would ever throw themselves at my feet is if I stepped on one of their missing contact lenses...)

By Agatha on Thursday, September 2, 1999 - 09:32 pm:

    numbers one, two, and four have definite issues. number three seems like he may be hiding something. go with me, instead. i have none of those silly male insecurities, and i should have pretty close to full sleeve tattoos by then. we could feasibly make quite an entrance, if we got tanked beforehand.

By Simon on Thursday, September 2, 1999 - 10:11 pm:

    Since you asked, here's my take:

    #1. I agree with Antigone - too pretensious.

    #2. Seems to be the most honest, down to earth. Waffles nailed it, though. He blew it big time with that "tragic flaw" line. I'd dismiss him for that one alone.

    #3. Doormat: Green astroturf with a plastic daisy in the corner.

    #4. Major chip on his shoulder. Obviously has a short-man complex. Needs a woman with a self-esteem problem.

    I say go with Agatha.

    And I wanna see some pics of those tattoos.

By Simon on Thursday, September 2, 1999 - 10:17 pm:

    Oops... Rhiannon, not Antigone.

By Antigone on Friday, September 3, 1999 - 12:02 am:

    So, what's the problem with sensative men, Rhiannon? I guess you'd rather have Tom Moore, ya?

    Anyway, though I think 2's pretty cool, (anybody who likes "Remains of the Day" can't be all that bad...) but I still like 3 best. Sure he gushes, but he gushes intelligently. There's some substance behind his obvious emotions for Cyst. 4 was like, "I would have fucked you before, and gee, I'll fuck you now. And, by the way, I out-mass you." 1 was, "Pull my finger if you think I'm pretentious."

By Drippy on Friday, September 3, 1999 - 12:53 am:

    drag one of them rug sellers from istanbul over here and tell everyone he's a diplomat and then leave him at a portland bus station.

    i dunno, i'm tanked.

    never ask people who to ask out, it only confuses things. make the leap and take it as it comes. don't analyze. i'd go out with 3 if i was cyst, though. somehow i think she could use a sensitive guy for a while. then she could leave him at a portland bus station.

    or wherever.

By Cyst on Friday, September 3, 1999 - 02:56 am:

    number 3 has a girlfriend with whom he has been living for years. he is the only one of the four who does not like me in that way. I think I like him too much as a friend to drag to me with my reunion, even if he were to say yes, which he probably wouldn't want to. the other three would probably love to go with me.

    I've already taken number two on a trial run -- he was my date to a wedding. that was fine.

    let me see if I can round up any more contestants.

By Gee on Friday, September 3, 1999 - 05:26 am:

    I have always loved the name Ian. I used to communicate with an Ian who was in the army and living in Korea. I met his sister on Prodigy and she steared (sp, whatever) me his way because he was far from home and (she felt) needed some outside communication. He was nice, but young. I haven't spoken to him for a long time. I never knew what he looked like, but I imagined dark brown hair and a subtle, barely-there smile that's more in the eyes than the mouth. I always imagin Ian's that way.

    I have no advice to give to Cyst. I can't even point my own romantic life in the right direction, and I don't have the options Cyst does.

By J on Friday, September 3, 1999 - 10:23 am:

    Then number 4,he,s got balls.

By Rhiannon on Friday, September 3, 1999 - 10:44 am:

    The thing is, Antigone, I have no problem with sensitive men. I have a problem with men who try to use their sensitivity as a selling point. Which is what #2 and #3 were doing.

    #3 also wrote like he was trying to sound like a poet in a bad Gothic novel. Strike 2.

    We do agree on one thing: "Remains of the Day" was great. Though I'm with Cyst on "Howards End"...dull dull dull.

    I shouldn't have given my input anyway. I have a history of hating people once I find out they're interested in me. So it's just easier for me to find the flaws than the virtues in the four candidates.

By MapleLeaf on Friday, September 3, 1999 - 10:59 am:

    *sob*...*sob*.....# 4 ...*sniffle*

By Friendly on Friday, September 3, 1999 - 11:37 am:

    screw all of 'em and bring good ol' #666. paint your face creepy green, get some contacts a la marilyn manson and if you can vomit on command, eat a bunch of oatmeal with a splash of green food coloring. if that seems like too much work, take agatha.

By Nate on Friday, September 3, 1999 - 12:07 pm:

    i think it's time for simon to talk about the singer from skitzo.

    i thought you had to have ovaries to enjoy "remains of the day". maybe i'm getting it mixed up with something else.

By Waffles on Friday, September 3, 1999 - 12:18 pm:

    you see.....sexism backlash.....a sensitive man is condemend, called a pussy, a macho truck drivin shot gun bearing, hairy chested nutsck fuck bear of a man is called an idiot and out of touch......what the hell is that you want!!!!I am confused on how #3's words were interpreted as sensitive pussy.....

    not that it matters now, for me anyway, but after seeing all of the women's input here....geeeze, it's just god damned confusing. No wonder men in this country are so insecure, we don't know what you fuckin want.....sheeeesh........the peacock feathers are no longer enough......the only thing i have been able to figure out dumb insensitive male at the right times, remind her I am still a male, make her reveal in some sort of feminist superiority and at other times play sensitive male pussy poet, learn to give oral sex like there is no tomorrow and never, ever let her do the dishes....

By Semillama who is 56 on Friday, September 3, 1999 - 01:14 pm:

    Alright, folks, since #3 is pretty much out of the running (but damn sure hang on to that friendship, sounds like someone you can lean on if you need it) and you are going to a class reunion, not getting married, you should pick someone you can have a conversation with. # 1 or #2, and I would pick #1 because it sounds like he could use a good chuckle.

    as for height issues, I always say, everyone's the same height when they get horizontal.

By J on Friday, September 3, 1999 - 01:44 pm:

    Yea Sem the mattress waltz,but seriously how about Cyst hires an male escourt,a real good looking one,it won,t matter if he can,t talk much as she,ll be busy talking o all the bitches who are scoping out her "man".After that,since you paid for him anyway,fuck him,just cause you paid for him and you can,when it,s over you can tell him he,s a lousey lay and to get a real job.

By Cyst on Friday, September 3, 1999 - 02:05 pm:

    maybe you can be my date, j. you can tell all my former classmates what I've always thought of them.

By Cyst on Friday, September 3, 1999 - 02:12 pm:

    so if I can't find a male and/or someone I've actually met before, you would go with me, agatha?

    that's really sweet.

By J on Friday, September 3, 1999 - 02:14 pm:

    I,d love to!!hehe

By Rhiannon on Friday, September 3, 1999 - 03:55 pm:

    BTW, I just realized that what I wrote earlier could be misconstrued...I did not intend for it to sound as though I included Antigone in the "those who have expressed interest me and are therefore hateable" category because A) despite evidence to the contrary, I DO know teasing when I see it and B) that would just be silly. I apolgize.

    Thank you,
    The Management.

By Cyst on Friday, September 3, 1999 - 04:33 pm:

    2 is interested in me, but 3 isn't. this has been established. I've known them both for like seven years or something. if they come off as sounding sensitive, it's because they are.

    I think we should all concentrate on finding rhiannon a date. that girls' school thing is problematic, though.

By Simon on Friday, September 3, 1999 - 04:36 pm:

    Call (707) 433-6887

    That's 433-NUTS for all you phone spellers out there, and no, it's not a coincidence.

    Leave a message for Lance. Tell him "Geezer" sent you.

By J on Friday, September 3, 1999 - 04:46 pm:

    I got to get off my ass now,I promise I will Tue.,should I fuck with him?

By Rhiannon on Friday, September 3, 1999 - 04:57 pm:

    No no no. We're talking about you, Cyst, not me. Not me! Leave me out of this!

By Simon on Friday, September 3, 1999 - 05:02 pm:

    No, don't fuck with Lance, he's a good guy. I just think he'd be an excellent candidate to fulfill nate's stated objective, which was to positively affect the world by increasing the occurrance of odd situations.

By Margret on Friday, September 3, 1999 - 05:18 pm:

    Cyst, I have a friend in Seattle who's short as all hell (5'8" or 5'9") but cute and smart and would be an entertaining date. His name is Dusty. If you're interested, let me know, I'll e-mail him. Other than that the only person I know in Portland is my friend Cheryl, who would be a FABULUOUS date, but might defeat the purpose since if you're going with a cool woman it should be Agatha.
    I liked #4 by the way, and I have this to say: I hate period movies, and I have never seen one of those Merchant Ivory pieces of crap. In point of fact, I have made it my mission to avoid anything based on a Forster work or starring Helena Bonham Carter. More power to you for the thinly veiled contempt you must have shown at some point to get a gush about them.

By Cyst on Friday, September 3, 1999 - 05:20 pm:

    please. let's increase the occurrence of the correct spelling of the word "occurrence."

    (I'm allowing myself one spelling correction here per year. done.)

By Waffles on Friday, September 3, 1999 - 05:39 pm:

    speaking on behalf of chronic mispellers...NO!

By Cyst on Friday, September 3, 1999 - 05:39 pm:


    I just checked my americanka email.

    nate's roommate said yes anyway. I thought nate had declined on his behalf. or maybe he just didn't want to cough up the plane fare.


    oh, wait. it's not the only offer there, either. this is getting complicated.

    no. someone canceled. but still.

    nate's roommate actually seems really nice.

By Rhiannon on Friday, September 3, 1999 - 05:55 pm:

    *sigh* That would be "misspellers," Waffles. Just so you know ;)

By Waffles on Friday, September 3, 1999 - 06:29 pm:


By Simon on Friday, September 3, 1999 - 07:12 pm:

    *sigh* That would be "right," Waffles. Just so you know ;)

By Nate on Friday, September 3, 1999 - 07:31 pm:

    my roommate thought he was turned down because of his height.

    this is all way too confusing.

    i'll still launch him your way though. the money isn't an issue. i like swine's idea with the bus better anyway.

By Rhiannon on Friday, September 3, 1999 - 08:29 pm:


    (that is how you spell a raspberry)

By Gee on Saturday, September 4, 1999 - 01:00 am:

    I could have sworn there was an "s" in raspberry.

By Cyst on Saturday, September 4, 1999 - 01:15 pm:

    don't send him on the bus.

By Cyst on Saturday, September 4, 1999 - 02:01 pm:

    bachelor number five:

    As an American boy who has fooled around with a Slavic girl, I can advise you that the culture gap is often wider than the bridges physical attraction can build. Europe is a fucked up place, all over, and for very historical and patriarchal reasons. "Class" and "gender roles" are very real creatures where you are; to deny it is in essence a way of brandishing your egalitarian USA ass to all those you live around.

    I probably don't have to tell you any of this, ex-pat-girl, but it's another opinion. ...

    You know, in spite of all your talk of Amerikrainian liasons, your words regarding travel tantalize me. I'm being frank; would I enjoy the pleasure of your attentions on such a joint proposal? At least, this is what I wonder in my own romanticizing way. Think about how dirty you can talk in a train crowded full of people who speak no English.

    Tantalized enough, I now return to my beer. Look for a small envelope from me soon. I'm curious about how quickly you get the postal stuff from Seattle. Please keep well & dry, tell me more about your new neighborhood, and see if you can find some folks or kids to play in the snow with.

By Cyst on Saturday, September 4, 1999 - 02:12 pm:

    bachelor number six.

    during a winter visit from him I joked that he should write me a function about how to calculate the number of hours of daylight, given a date and a latitude. the day he got back he mailed it to me.


    i got a note from S. asking about the trip and
    saying that we should date each other.

    i went home and slept for 15 hours. and since i don't feel like working today, i figured out that function for you with several simplifications...
    it's not a nice as i'd've thought though (i've broken it up into two parts)

    DEC = arcsin(-0.4*cos( 30*(MONTH-1) + DAY_OF_MONTH ))

    hours_of_sunlight = 2.0*arccos( -tan(DEC)*tan(LATITUDE) )/15

    because i'm lazy, jan 1 is the shortest northern hemisphere day of the year instead of dec 21 or whatever it is and it's only valid between the arctic/antarctic circles.


By Cyst on Saturday, September 4, 1999 - 02:15 pm:

    bachelor number seven, who has asked me to marry him. I've also attended a wedding with him and that was ok.

    today i drove down to Tacoma to shop some record stores.

    in one, i found a cache of records by (bachelor number seven's first and last names) and his Orchestra. ("He is a subtly humorous and playful man. He'll gladly leave the brassy blast to others, if he can retain the right to make light mischief with the strings and rhythm.") these albums are from the dawn of the hi-fi stereo LP age, at least as old as i am.

    the only lyrics to be found on any of the records (besides shouts of "Hey! Chick!" on the track of the same name) are the following, from "Cute Little Wiggle":

    she's got a cute little wiggle
    tantalizin' eyes
    tiny button nose
    just about the right size

    how the boys all stare
    when she sashays down the street
    with the cute little wiggle
    givin' all the boys a treat

    she's got the cutest little wiggle
    and brother, what a tease
    with her sassy little wriggle
    she's the kind you want to hug and squeeze

    she's got a cute little wiggle
    charms the neighborhood
    if your heart don't melt
    then you are made of wood

    when i walk with her, i'm completely in a fog
    'cause i'm crazy 'bout
    can't live without
    (catcall whistle)

    when i walk with her, i'm completely in a fog
    'cause i'm crazy 'bout
    can't live without
    my little dog.

By Simon on Saturday, September 4, 1999 - 02:52 pm:

    I'll have to charge you for any further advice.

By Rhiannon on Saturday, September 4, 1999 - 03:12 pm:

    "The only thing I ever got for free was a jugular dose of bad advice" -- Tod A., Cop Shoot Cop


    #7 -- (he's old enough to be your father, isn't he?) Could provide some mighty entertaining stories for the reunion table

    #6 -- you have to admire a man who will custom-design a function for you and then send it to you without shame. This may not be a plus, however.

    #5 -- sounds like #1, 2, and 3. Ugh.

    Agatha it is!

By AJinBC on Saturday, September 4, 1999 - 03:30 pm:

    I somehow agree with Simon. Cyst, I suggest you remember the words of Emily Dickinson from poem number 1741

    That it will never come again
    Is what makes life so sweet

By AJinBC on Saturday, September 4, 1999 - 04:09 pm:

    I think you should have saved BN-6 all the angst and sent him to (Solar System Simulator) where he would have at least come close to answering your question without having to resort to actually using his brain and smelling the rubber burn.

By Waffles on Saturday, September 4, 1999 - 05:00 pm:

    ahhh hel with it cyst.........just pick one already....

By Automated Spell Check on Saturday, September 4, 1999 - 05:01 pm:

    Waffles Automated Spell Check



By Gee on Sunday, September 5, 1999 - 03:27 am:

    darn it Cyst. What I wouldn't give for some of your problems for a change.

    My vote goes to Agatha, as well.

By J on Sunday, September 5, 1999 - 10:40 am:

    She asked me first,I was going to tell them off.

By Agatha on Sunday, September 5, 1999 - 01:00 pm:

    i seem to be the winner, cyst. although i enjoyed the idea of the male escort, too. it's so, "pretty woman."

By Semillama on Monday, September 6, 1999 - 07:53 pm:

    How about this:

    Cyst finds a slim man of the approximate same height as herself, briefs him on all the relevant information about high school experiences she has ahd and are likely to come up in conversation, attaches a spy camera to his label, and send shim in her place, posing as Cyst, who has undergone a sex change and now wants to be called Rodney.

    Then, after the stand in has confused people for a half-hour or so, Cyst herself swoops throught hte doors, dressed in a skin tight catsuit like the one the girl is wearing on the current cover of National Geographic, grabs "Rodney" by the arm, and apologizes for him. SHe explains that "Rod" is actually her ex-husband, who was a Navy SEAL during the Gulf war and wandered into some nasty chemicals, which has given him an identity crisis. Then Cyst should fix her gaze on the DJ, and "Sheik Yerbouti" starts to pound out throught the speakers. With a dramatic flourish, Cyst, "Rodney" in tow, exits.

By J on Monday, September 6, 1999 - 08:42 pm:

    I,ll buy that for a dollar!!!!

By J on Monday, September 6, 1999 - 08:45 pm:

    I,ll buy that for a dollar!!!!

By Pink Eye on Tuesday, September 7, 1999 - 01:50 am:

    Jeezuz H. Christ!

    Why in the hell do you need a date? Why tote
    along arm-candy? It never impresses anyone
    anyway. I go alone and enjoy it. They won't be
    talking about your date 5 years from now anyway.

    If a man is what you need, I feel sorry for you.
    You are the typical epitome of which why I go alone. Are you trying to impress? Yes. You must stand on your own twos.

    If you need someone to go with you, get him, take him, let him puke. By this time that's all he'll be wanting to do.

By J on Tuesday, September 7, 1999 - 09:19 am:

    Get that escort,fuck him.

By Cyst on Tuesday, September 7, 1999 - 09:59 am:

    well, I either need a man or a job. haven't yet decided which to look for.

    my bet is that I end up with a job, though.

    I think those are the two things you need to impress others at a reunion. an attractive mate and a great job. I'll probably still be unemployed in two-and-a-half weeks, and if nate's roommate goes with me, then I'll tell anyone who asks that I just met him that day. (unless someone comes up with a very funny but plausible story to tell instead.)

    so I know I won't be very impressive. that's ok.

    a reunion is like a party where you don't know anyone. at least that's what this one will be like for me. the only person I know from my class is my gay union activist friend in dc, and he's not going. I would have loved to have gone with him, and not because I thought he'd have really impressed the other people there. people doubtless would have thought that I was a closeted lesbian.

    anyway. it would be boring to go to a reunion alone. these big catered-food events seem to require a companion. someone to discuss things with. it's not like an informal party, where people might go in large groups or go alone. it's the sort of thing where pretty much everyone brings a date. like a wedding.

    I've been to a wedding as the date of one of the attendants, and that sucked. everyone is off in their little groups of two, or in larger groups but still in subsets of two, and if you don't want to be felt sorry for, then you need to find couples to sort of adopt you for a while. or talk to the kids or something.

    anyway. I talked about this with a gay, partnerless friend of mine in his early 30s this summer. now that everyone is growing up, everyone is supposed to be in a couple. couples like to do things with other couples, not with single people. most people in couples almost always go out to dinner or go to parties or go to the movies or whatever as a couple. they don't like to invite a single person out to dinner -- it's too awkward.

    I'm lucky because my friends who are in couples are generally cool about inviting me over or to go out with them or whatever. well, I guess they would have to be, or they couldn't really be my friends. because even when I have a boyfriend, we rarely act as a social unit.

    this is part of the reason why I think there should be no marriage. (well, I guess I mostly like that idea beacuse it is so unpopular.) because I should be able to ask whichever friend I want to accompany me to whatever function -- even if he's married. it's not like I'm asking him to sleep with me. maybe I just want to go out to dinner with him or to a movie or help make a catered event bearable.

    one time when I didn't have any money, I asked an old female friend if she wanted to go out to lunch with me at this swanky place I'd gotten a gift certificate for. I hadn't gone out with her in a while and I thought it would be really fun to hang out and eat expensive food.

    I thought that this was far within the bounds of social acceptability. it's OK for a straight person to ask another straight person of the same sex with whom they are friends as a solo companion to a daytime social event. that is actually allowed.

    she asked me if she could bring her boyfriend along.

    I couldn't believe it. that made me so angry. like I wasn't good enough for her, just to go to lunch with. like when people are in a couple they are so attached that they can't bear to be separated for a fucking hour during the weekend. that's insane.

    anyway, now I am becoming more resigned about the way things are. if I go to a party, I bring a friend, usually female. parties are fun with another chick. and if I go to a wedding, I find a male date. these things go better if you pretend you're one of THEM.

By J on Tuesday, September 7, 1999 - 10:29 am:

    I always get along with men better than women,most women(not us)are too busy being bitches,I think men are more honest,and they don,t play games as much as some bitch that is jeolous of you.You have so much going for you Cyst,there is going to be some bitch trying to put the screws to you,just cause you are so much better than her.Do you know what I mean?I use to get picked on in high school by a group of girls,I had accepted a ride home from school from a creep that was the boyfriend of the main girl who gave me a hard time.He tried to make out with me,I wanted no part of it,I had never even kissed a guy.I finally beat the shit out of her and two of her friends,then this teacher,Miss Best,came up from behind me in class and hit me real hard on the head,with a book.I didn,t even think,I jut got up and knocked her out,I got kicked out of school for that,but I,m still glad I did it.

By Cyst on Tuesday, September 7, 1999 - 12:00 pm:

    you have the best stories, j. your life often sounds like a movie.

    when I was in college I used to think that a lot of other women were bitches, but I think I'm past that stage now.

    I think I'm phrasing this awkwardly, but I think over the years I have culled my friends base down so it consists only of people I am really interested in. or I have become a better judge of character and I just pick 'em better now. or something.

    but I have these friends, and I am so compatible (?) with them that when they get new girlfriends or boyfriends, I pretty much always like them.

    in fact, I am onto this new stage where, instead of resenting my friends' new partners, what happens is that when they finally break up, I want to continue to be friends with both sides.

    yesterday I drove around visiting friends, and at one point I was pretty much driving from one friend's house and then on to his ex-wife's apartment. he told me that he felt betrayed that I had continued to be so close to her, and I told him, "well, I hated her first!" ... you liked her and I didn't, then I came around, and now you want me to dislike her again. and I can't.

By Waffles on Tuesday, September 7, 1999 - 12:02 pm:

    my wife says the same thing.....girls are catty...especially LA girls. Just this weekend....these two girls who are infactuated with our friend angry sam and are total gold diggers acted like subtle cunts to my wife because my wife and sam are very close. They would make sly subtle comments ("why don't you get a haircut?" in a dry tone "Ohhh are you leaving???What a shame")to try and knock her down. Besides that they....according to her perceptions...all wanna freak my jock.......i don't notice these things.....eitherway.....i know a lot of girls who agree with what you two are saying.

    cyst you are in the states now?

    i have to wonder, with all this high school reunion hype...i have to question why you are even going....forget the can get a date anytime......7 days a week and do something half as interesting as a hs reunion. based on what i know about you....i have to wonder...i mean I have gathered you hated your hs, have nothing but resentment for most of your class mates. think very little of most of them and are glad to be out and away from most of them.....right??? Well, thats how i feel about my high school. I won't have my 10th for another 4 years, so i have some time. If they manage to track me down, I have already started to devise a manifesto of sorts, as to why I won't be attending their bullshit reunion. i intend to use some of my most hated/feared classmates as examples..

By Xena on Tuesday, September 7, 1999 - 12:10 pm:

    My gay friend and I were gonna go to our HS reunion and tell everyone we were married and get someone's baby to bring and say that we had made millions as bean farmers in Idaho.. BUT we never had a reunion! No plan! I have no love for my HS, and the people I really liked there I'm still in touch with - no need to reconnect. The only reason to go is to mock those who you hated as a young person to see that they are old and loserly now while you continue to kick butt.

    I have a lot of great female friends who are not bitches, but I have no time for competitive/antagonistic female relationships (men have the same troubles, their competitive relationships are really kind of sad). I wonder if people who had them in their home as a kid (w/ Mom or sis) find them again in adult life. I didn't and I don't. I think I'm lucky.

By Cyst on Tuesday, September 7, 1999 - 12:20 pm:

    I don't actually hate my former classmates. I made a few real friends in high school, most from the year before me, and I still talk to them.

    I want to go because I always thought that I would. yesterday I started thinking, you know, maybe I just shouldn't go at all. then my mom told me she already bought my ticket for me.

    it's not like I have to stay for a long time or anything. it's not like the senior party, where they lock you in until dawn.

    I want to talk to the go programmer.

    I want to tell s & c, who were always really smart and really nice to me, that I saw their wedding announcement in the paper and congratulations.

    I want to find out if ri ended up graduating from berkeley and if he ever went to armenia.

    last time I corresponded with as, I sent her a nasty newspaper article about the uw chapter of her sorority. I shouldn't have done that. I want to say hi and see how she is.

    and jh. he must have ended up selling amway at some point. must try to find out.

    what did that crazy girl with the bleached blond hair do after she moved to holland? maybe she stayed there.

    does jw seem happy? I hope so.

    I want to ask my czech pals from junior high if they've been back to prague.

By Cyst on Tuesday, September 7, 1999 - 12:32 pm:

    yeah, waffles, I'm in america. stuck at my parents' house without a car for the next few hours. but there are mangos here.

    I used to be sort of catty, I guess, but that shit doesn't really fly after, say, age 25.

    for about a week last year I shared an apartment with an old friend, a lecherous american man, and a teen-age slavic beauty queen.

    cattiness would have been so uncalled for. I had no trouble letting her be the princess of the household. she was prettier, thinner, younger and had slinkier clothes. I guess I'm old enough now to be able to recognize when I've been outdone and even not to mind much.

By Waffles on Tuesday, September 7, 1999 - 12:45 pm:

    anyone skinnier than you cyst, would be nasty, I you cannot be outdone that way, slinkier clothes?? a ziplock bag? wore her socks as a tube skirt? i have no clue how old you are but i think thats hardly relavent.....

By Cyst on Tuesday, September 7, 1999 - 12:58 pm:

    trust me, she looked really good. and she walked around the apartment in a g-string leotard to prove it.

    and I don't usually dress pretty. right now I'm wearing men's socks, men's jeans, a men's shirt, and a men's zip-up sweatshirt. later I'll put on lumbermen's boots. this is standard attire for me, and I dressed even dykier in wintertime kiev.

    if you know I'm going to my ten-year reunion this year, you have a pretty good clue as to how old I am.

    I'm just saying that it seems sort of appropriate (though not necessarily attractive) when sorority-age girls act catty. but when you get older and when you should be more mature, that sort of bitchiness seems more and more pathetic.

    I'm 28 years old. I can admire beautiful 19-year-old girls for what they are and not even wish I could be like them.

By Waffles on Tuesday, September 7, 1999 - 01:10 pm:

    ok, i wasn't sure if was a 10 year, 15, 5 ????? i am a little slow this morning

    yeah those catty girls in my situation, one is 35 and the other is like 27ish, the one who is 35 though, she is desperate, she kissed me at a party and told me how attractive I am, and then blushed and gushed immediately following those words"oops right you have wife in the other room...(wink wink)" Her clock is tickin and she needs something and some boy bad.....

By Gee on Wednesday, September 8, 1999 - 01:49 am:

    Someone who'd prance around in a lil' leotard like that all the time would irritate the Heck out of me. Not because I'd want to be them, but because I feel like They're thinking I wish I could be them. If you can follow that. And how can you possibly say "I don't want to be you" without them thinking you Do even more. argh. I'm not being very articulate right now.

By Cyst on Wednesday, September 8, 1999 - 02:23 am:

    I'm so tired I understand you.

    kitty princess was pretty territorial. a lot of slavs have a hard time understanding the men-and-women-as-platonic-roommates thing, so she had to be sure I knew who was the alpha female.

By Cyst on Wednesday, September 8, 1999 - 02:39 am:

    I let a guy jump-start my car tonight.

    he wanted to. bad. they all do.

    men love to help women strangers with their cars. maybe not hard work, maybe not a flat tire or real engine trouble, but the jump start is quick and easy.

    they get to open the hoods of cars and show off their mechanical prowess. they get to help a damsel in distress. they get to collect praise and thanks.

    this one, a young married man who tucked his blue striped broadcloth into his blue dockers, let me use his cell phone too.

    I didn't even ask for his help. he came over and offered his assistance before I even realized that I wasn't going to be able to start the car.

    "I knew there was a reason I came here tonight," he said.

By Waffles on Wednesday, September 8, 1999 - 12:15 pm:

    is there something wrong with that cyst.......

By The Dinner Lady on Wednesday, September 8, 1999 - 01:23 pm:

    I just had some guy help my sister and I last week when our car got a flat and I was thrilled. It's a win-win situation. You get your car fixed, they feel like the man. I'll all about that.

By J on Wednesday, September 8, 1999 - 01:39 pm:

    I have to say I agree,plus in my high school at the time I went,for that one big year,girls took home ec.,boys took shop,I think it,s right on that kids have options in school,boys can cook,girls can find out about cars.

By Waffles on Wednesday, September 8, 1999 - 01:47 pm:

    well what kinda bothers me is that cyst's post sounds condescending........and I think thats wrong......confused male syndrom, backlash of extreme feminism

By J on Wednesday, September 8, 1999 - 04:34 pm:

    Is it me?Sounds like the man could have done something to Cysts car in the first place?

By Fetidbeaver on Wednesday, September 8, 1999 - 06:42 pm:

    This is why I don't stop and help people much anymore. I stop because I have been in their position and it really sucks. It sucks even worse to have that same person make cracks about "feeling like a man" To you people who think that way....FUCK YOU STAND IN THE RAIN STARING AT YOUR DEAD BATTERY

By Tumor on Wednesday, September 8, 1999 - 07:27 pm:

    cyst just likes to tell stories about how attractive men find her, but needs to mix a little bitchin' and moaning and backlash in with it so it doesn't look like she has a frail ego.

By Antigone on Wednesday, September 8, 1999 - 07:35 pm:

    Whenever I see someone stranded on the road blocking traffic, man or woman, I stop and volunteer to push. I do it because I can. I'm a huge ass human being and I can PUSH REAL GOOOOOD. It's a way I can help, and I guess it's gratifying in a testosteroni sort of way. But, proving my maleness? Naaaah.

By Cyst on Wednesday, September 8, 1999 - 11:11 pm:

    I can't see anything about my being attractive or bitching or moaning or backlash in that message.

    I think guys like to help women with easy-to-fix car trouble. that's all I was saying. I agree with whoever about how it's a win-win situation.

    I wasn't complaining at all. it was very cool that I didn't even have to spend a quarter or 35 cents or whatever on a call or go look for someone to help me. I was very lucky.

By Margret on Thursday, September 9, 1999 - 12:05 am:

    I can change a tire and jump start a car and ummm oh yeah, pull of the distributor cap and if I happen to have a spark wrench handy pull the sparks and clean the contacts.
    I don't have to. Usually some kind soul stops if my tire is flat or my car is obviously not starting, or if I go to ask if someone can help me jump a car a guy will come over and attach the clamps.
    I am not at all offended by this. I think that it is a vestigial aspect (chivalry) of the best of a power disequilibrium which was not all power on one side or the other, but different kinds of power (apples and oranges, etc.) which didn't come close to balancing each other. One day an attractive woman will be stranded on the side of the road and an attractive man will say "damn, you are handy with a lug wrench, citizen..." and she will jump his shit for needing to comment on it. I like this particular vestige, and will lament the personal loss to me and people like me who prefer that other people do icky jobs without actually feeling entitled enough to assume that other people should do those icky jobs.

By Cyst on Thursday, September 9, 1999 - 12:06 am:

    fetidbeaver - please offer to help people with their cars.

    I've gone and bought gas for girls stuck at the side of the road before. and I got that warm fuzzy good-deed feeling as I drove off.

By Cyst on Thursday, September 9, 1999 - 12:23 am:

    people I talked to today:

    an existential feminist therapist (that's what her business card says, anyway). I am housesitting for her. I looked through her ll bean catalogs and now I have handy a 1972 book called "open marriage: a new life style for couples."

    a zillion-year-old cinema employee. he was doing a word find when he was supposed to be tearing tickets.

    a nice young man at the grocery store. he said, "hello, my name is brian and I'll be your cashier today." I was supposed to say something cute in return but failed to do so. I tried to smile a lot to compensate. he was excited for me that my banana only cost 11 cents. I paid with exact change.

    on my way from there to the video store, I fantasized about seeing brian a lot. the store is just two blocks from my apartment. he could be my cashier every day. brian, mmm.

    at the video store I marveled at the new quarters. at first I thought someone had slipped me some canadian money or something. then I didn't want to give them up, but I didn't want to break large bills, either.

    I had to sign up for a new account even though I had cards for different branches of the same chain. each time I apply for a card I make up a different social security numbers. and each time I worry a little that they'll notice, but they never do.

By H on Thursday, September 9, 1999 - 08:56 am:

    Cyst - are you using the same name and address on each application? If you are and you are using different SSN's each time, you might be "soiling" your credit report. Assuming that you care about your credit report, and frankly, some people don't, I'd suggest you be kinda careful in doing things like that.

By Cyst on Thursday, September 9, 1999 - 10:21 am:

    soiling my credit report? with video store membership applications?

    I always refuse to give that information or put false information on applications where such information is unnecessary (such as for a video club membership card). if I'm applying for credit, I answer truthfully.

    if they needed to know, I would tell them.

By J on Thursday, September 9, 1999 - 10:25 am:

    I like that H looks out for us,he,s a lawyer.I.m a little worried myself about all my postings on Tom all over the internet,now that big bro is getting his ass on policeing it.If he ever figures out what,s up,maybe he could sue me and that would not be a good thing.

By Cyst on Thursday, September 9, 1999 - 10:43 am:

    maybe from now on I'll just refuse to write a number and see what they say.

By H on Thursday, September 9, 1999 - 10:51 am:

    99% of the work that I do is in the area of Creditors' Rights (translated - "collections"), so I see this kind of thing frequently. Video Store applications are in fact credit applications because in the terms and conditions of membership you will find some fine print that says you consent to pay late fees if you don't return the tape on time. There may also be some language in there where you agree to pay some exhorbitant price to replace a tape if you lose it or if it is more than 30 days late. So, if you are really late in returning a tape or you lose it or whatever, the video store can bill you for whatever fees you "agreed" to pay and if you don't pay, they can report the delinquency to a creidt reporting agency. And if you rack up a decent sum the video store can sue you. If you don't have a written contract (which is what the application becomes once it's "approved") the store can't charge certain late fees and may be restricted to a lower interest rate than what is called for in the fine print.

    Additionally (and this is for the truly paranoid only), since the application is in fact a "credit application," using a fake ssn COULD be considered fraud. I wouldn't lose any sleep over that issue, however.

    Sorry to sound like a lawyer, but I do like to help.

By Cyst on Thursday, September 9, 1999 - 11:02 am:

    in any case, thank you for the extra incentive to turn all my movies in on time! and I'll sign up for fewer cards in the future (whatever that means).

By Waffles on Thursday, September 9, 1999 - 12:29 pm:

    i soiled my underpants.....I guess they are now vestigial underpants...........i feel like changin my oil.....

By J on Thursday, September 9, 1999 - 12:31 pm:

    You better wipe your ass!!Did I miss something?Who is Cyst going to that reunion with?

By H on Thursday, September 9, 1999 - 12:32 pm:

    And for the love of God, please rewind!!! :)

By Markus on Thursday, September 9, 1999 - 03:17 pm:

    What a coincidence. There's a 6'1" guy living in my house who would be up for the reunion challenge. But he looks kind of old with a scraggly beard and is frequently mistaken for the Unabomber. Not very good with cars, either.

By Cyst on Friday, September 10, 1999 - 12:14 am:

    markus - sounds real appealing. do you have any frat-boy types in your house instead?


    6'1 is a great height for a man.

    my last real boyfriend was 6'1. I'm going to see him on sunday at a large gathering at the house of a mutual friend.

    I know other girls there are going to hit on him and I know that this is going to make me mad. he's really cute. damn.

    I wanted to meet up with him in southern europe or northern africa, but we didn't try hard enough to make this work. we could have been together there because there nothing would have counted. it would have been apart, separate, not relevant.

    of course, I thought nothing there with anyone would count, but I was wrong about that. I didn't want it to carry over, but I think it has anyway. that's somewhere on that long list of things I don't want to think about.

    others: it's getting cold and all my winter clothes are in kiev. I still haven't finished the carpet job. I have no job. I may be prosecuted for fraud because I lied on a video card membership application.

By J on Friday, September 10, 1999 - 01:12 am:

    Go out with him,I think he,s cute!!

By Cyst on Friday, September 10, 1999 - 01:25 am:

    go out with who? markus? he is cute.

    but I'm going to my reunion with nate's roommate. first come, first served, or something.

By Gee on Friday, September 10, 1999 - 04:41 am:

    Is Markus cute because he has a nice personality, or is he cute because he's got pinchable cheeks?

By Agatha on Friday, September 10, 1999 - 10:21 am:

    marcus is cute because of his intellect. that's my take, anyhow, but i have never seen markus.

By J on Friday, September 10, 1999 - 10:29 am:

    I think he is the guy on office cam,and he,s cute.

By Cyst on Friday, September 10, 1999 - 11:48 am:

    no. different person.

    can I pass out your photo, markus? agatha should know too.

    mark thomas is also cute, but I think he's probably one of those people who would not even be secretly pleased to hear that and instead would just think oh god no.

By Jinafishes on Friday, September 10, 1999 - 12:03 pm:

    He'll ALWAYS be bored.

By Waffles on Friday, September 10, 1999 - 12:35 pm:

    office cam = mark thomas = sorabji? YES?

By Margret on Friday, September 10, 1999 - 03:13 pm:

    I want to see Markus' photo. How come noone ever offers to send ME photos?

By Swine on Friday, September 10, 1999 - 03:50 pm:

    it's the gigabooty.

By Markus on Friday, September 10, 1999 - 03:52 pm:

    Show me yours, I'll show you mine, Margret. That's been the rule since kindergarten.

By Jim aka PajamaBoy on Friday, September 10, 1999 - 04:33 pm:


By Margret on Friday, September 10, 1999 - 05:29 pm:

    Mine are easily accessed at
    ok, they're doctored, a bit.
    But the song remains the same.

By Cyst on Saturday, September 11, 1999 - 03:46 am:

    I went out with one of the bachelors tonight and he told me he liked the old me better.

    the old me?

    you know, like ally sheedy in the breakfast club. shy and introverted.

    we were playing around with his new camcorder. he wanted to make a tape he could jack off to. I told him I wanted to be the cinematographer and I wanted to work in private, so he went upstairs to see if some chick he wants to screw had emailed him back.

    I had never used a camcorder before. I was just goofing off -- I wanted to have the toy to myself for a few minutes. I made a silly video, a fake strip routine, but I only took my shirt off.

    anyway, then he came down and I told him I didn't really want him to watch it while I was there because it was too dumb, but he said he wanted to, and I said ok.

    then half-way through he said he didn't want to watch it anymore because I was too vain and it was too depressing.

    having a guy stop a video of you taking your clothes off is a new and special sort of rejection for me. I am going to console myself by thinking that he just wanted some privacy and as soon as I left he pressed play button.

By Cyst on Saturday, September 11, 1999 - 10:36 am:

    best lines of email of the day:

    "she's not a fille fatale dammit, she is a fucking sweetheart who has been fucking controlled and abused. what she really needs is a good friend, not another possessive asshole like me."

By Tumor on Saturday, September 11, 1999 - 11:22 am:

    is that about you?

    your bachelor probably stopped the tape because it was without passion. you seem to relate to the world in third person, outside events that you are not a part of. it seems lonely. to be sexy, a striptease has to include a sense of self-worth and joy of your own body that's independent of the watcher and that you are sharing with him. i can imagine your strip as giving him the impression that you are saying: "you are watching me. what are your reactions? do I please you?"

    i don't mean this in a cruel way. i'm actually a little concerned for you.

By Cyst on Saturday, September 11, 1999 - 12:44 pm:

    I'm not the fille fatale. I called someone else that and my friend got mad.

    when I was a lonely, picked-on third grader, when I was not just too tall but also too fat and too dark and too ugly for my little aryan suburban northwest grade school, I read a lot of books. like all good future computer geeks did.

    I read so much that I started phrasing my thoughts as if they were part of a novel.

    at recess I would think,

    "she looked at the sun and hoped mrs. draz, the yard duty, wouldn't notice. 'look at the skinny blond girls who might do illegal cherry drops on the jungle gym,' she thought. 'make sure the connors twins don't swing too high. just leave me alone.'"

    brett l. used to tell me I was "economy size" and hit me on the ass with a chalky eraser. once I accidentally splashed mud on barbie m.'s jacket and she told me to lick it off. I only made friends with the fat girls who liked horses and star wars too much.

    anyway, I actually think I've been a miserable cold-hearted wretch since birth -- I think it's genetic -- so all this funny whining about my childhood is completely irrelevant.

    I don't know now how personally engaged I can get in the rest of the world. it's interesting and I like to watch and see what happens, but I'm not sure it's something I can get really excited about. I know it's wrong to use others as elements in the reactions I try to set up, the experiments, but what else am I going to do? be alone all the time?

    maybe I should stick to the books.

    the new body that I spent hours in the mall clothes shops with yesterday is so great. the sales girls were really nice to me. it looks so good in these jeans, I had to buy them. and the tight sweaters.

    I told a plump gap girl that I have trouble finding sleeves long enough, and she looked up and down the long, curvy meatmobile and started to say, "if that's your worst problem, then ..." but I don't think she finished.

    (no, that's not my worst problem.)

    the nordstrom girl, who called gabardine "gab," talked about how thin I was, how feminine I made the new gap men's jeans look.

    it was really fun to be fussed over, to see the rich old bitches get pissy at me for monopolizing the clerk even though I couldn't afford to buy the stuff. (I put a half-off silk cardigan on hold.)

    anyway, so last night with the stupid video camera, I just wanted historical proof that I am not fat anymore. and now I believe it. I saw it on tv.

    in fact, I think I might be too thin. my arms. my friend reminded me that in his wedding photos, the one with me made it look like the bride was being hugged by death. he said when I met him I had a little belly and now I have none. he said that the bikini and underwear photos of me make my hip bones look like jughead's ears.

    nothing's ever good enough.

    anyway, fuck you, you don't have to watch the goddamn tape, even though I know you did. after I left. and I'm not going to get fat and shy again for you. I can look like death if I want to, nyah nyah nyah.

By Cyst on Sunday, September 12, 1999 - 01:57 am:

    tonight I went to a party in the mountains. at my new-age nudist psychotherapist friends' house.

    I can't believe I had a good time. I fucking loved it. I haven't been an earnest liberal oregonian in a long time. I talked to some green party organizer and re-registered to vote. I watched naked old hippies get in the hot tub. I joined in a fucking drum circle.

    the stars shine so bright out there. I ate pasta salad and chocolate chip cookies and had a real wholesome good time.

    when the man of the house walked me out to the car he reminded me that I told him I would go to strip clubs with him and his tall and beautiful hippie wife, who is into naked women. I had totally forgotten about that. he also invited me to spend the weekend out there with them sometime.

By Gee on Sunday, September 12, 1999 - 02:34 am:

    Cyst - I've seen some of your pictures, and you seem like someone who's got expression in her face.

    That probably doesn't make any sense. I'm saying I see a lot of people who are supposed to be beautiful and seem so blank and empty to me. You seem like you've got something going on inside you.

By Tumor on Sunday, September 12, 1999 - 10:38 am:

    i never meant to say that she was blank or cold or anything like that. you are probably someone who feels very deeply, but afraid of your emotions. i used to phrase my thoughts as though in a novel, too; it was my way of controlling the world around me, especially the parts that hurt, and keeping an emotional distance from it. when i wrote that post yesterday, i may have been thinking as much about myself as about you. i was also deeply hungover.

    and people who remind me of me just annoy me.

By Cyst on Sunday, September 12, 1999 - 12:55 pm:

    it's a bright sunshiny day in portland, oregon.

    a part of me has been hoping for rain because, as you can imagine, the liberal oregonian polyamorous existential feminist therapist I am housesitting for has a zillion plants. on these hot sunny days, I spend over an hour watering them all.

    that I agreed to housesit for a week on the very day I was moving into my own apartment is an indication that I am indeed a very good person. she would have had to cancel her trip to mexico to visit her daughter. I didn't want to do this, not at all, but I am really nice.

    the weathermen say this will be the best day for the rest of the year. I'm going to brunch and then to a barbeque.

    tumor - the only thing I mind about your having a special name to post about me is that it sort of justifies my droning on about myself here. if no one said anything for a long time, then I'd probably have to stop.

    but that isn't a promise.

By Tumor on Sunday, September 12, 1999 - 03:23 pm:

    it's bright and shiny where i am, too. but it's lost on me because i am again hungover and also running a bit of a fever.

    housesitting, brunch, and barbeques don't mean nothin'. the impression i have of you remains is still the same - and it isn't that you are cold or a bad person.

    i hope this justifies more droning, because i have to take a nap.

    by the way, the handle "tumor" originally had more to do with laziness and being the first thing that popped into my head when i had to put something down in the little box.

By Cyst on Monday, September 13, 1999 - 11:04 am:

    my friend claims he still hasn't watched the tape. he says he fast-forwarded to the end of it. however, he did admit that if I had really gotten down, he would have watched. ok.

    anyway, he says he's going to save all my little video work on my own tape. he's says he's going to label it "the j. bitch project."

By Rhiannon on Monday, September 13, 1999 - 11:39 am:

    You have to be careful when things pop into your head. This morning I was brushing my teeth and suddenly I thought "nickel-plated suicide." Not a very good way to start the day.

By Tumor on Monday, September 13, 1999 - 11:54 am:

    a cyst - or one definition, at least - is a sac with no openings that forms around a foreign object in the body. do you ever feel yourself to be a foreign body that has been isolated from the larger organism? do you ever feel that the sac around you is there for your protection somehow? or sometimes you just don't know which?

    could you really get down if you had to? and i don't mean could you reason out the motions and actions to duplicate it, i mean utterly relinquishing yourself the pure joy of it and getting the fuck down. if you can't, there will always be something off-putting about it. if you did it badly, you'd look foolish; if you did it well it might look ironic and condescending. i think that's why your posts often seem condescending - all of your heart and soul aren't in them. even if you do mean what you say. like your just playing the right notes.

By Simon on Monday, September 13, 1999 - 02:27 pm:

    I don't find cyst to be anymore condescending or ironic than anybody else here.

By J on Monday, September 13, 1999 - 02:58 pm:

    I second that!

By Cyst on Monday, September 13, 1999 - 08:10 pm:

    cyst is the name of a band that never happened. I like it because it's short and gross.

    I went to a nude beach today. I like the nude hippie beach because the people there don't make a lot of noise.

    you know how weather talk is the stereotypical conversation-with-strangers topic? it actually happens a lot for something that is supposed to be true.

    during the very short walk from the beach back to the car, three guys, spaced just far enough apart that they probably couldn't hear each other, talked to me about the weather.

    "great day, isn't it?" "yeah, it's really nice."

    "beautiful day, huh?" "I'm glad it was warm."

    "can you believe this weather?" (I almost laughed.) "amazing."

    (of course, today is supposed to come close to the record high for this date. in the low 90s. hotter than l.a., according to the morning weatherman. he also said the temperature would drop another five degrees every day this week.)

    those might have been my first, second and third ever conversations with naked strangers. I usually go with someone to the beach and don't chat with the regulars.

    I usually go around with the bottom half of a bikini on. today I kept my top on in the water and while walking around. I don't know why I chickened out.

    I guess when I'm with someone, I don't feel that my toplessness is erotically charged. it's just fun. but today, as the only single woman on the beach, with a '50s paperback of daphne du maurier stories called "kiss me, stranger," and lots of single guys on the beach, I felt like I was putting on a show.

    I was hoping that since it was monday that there wouldn't be anyone there. I guess a lot of people cared enough about themselves to call in sick or something. the weather was really beautiful.

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