too selfish and very lonely What are you afraid of?: too selfish and very lonely

By Spiracle on Thursday, February 8, 2001 - 11:54 pm:

    i never thought i would be so 'lucky' as to complain about juggling two guys...for some reason i guess i'm too immature in this stage of my life to be able to take it all with a grain of salt..i project my insecurities, discomforts or whatever onto all those involved...when they could actually not give a fuck like i think they should/would or could...

    the first one comes along and sucks me in by his indifference...i get use to playing the games that i previously thought were only for pretentious assholes...yay..i turn into a pretentious asshole..or was i one before..hmm..that riddle could keep me going on all night..but standards are dropping so low at this point that the smallest hint of anything thrown my way is balooned into some sort of abnormal's all become so comfortable..and so systematic..have some beer a few nights a week and go back to either house 'a' or house 'b'..set the alarm for one or the other for six a.m. and we're good to go..simple and predictable and almost somewhat dependable..and you never bother thinking about what the next day will bring..because it doesn't even matter..

    then the other one comes along..takes you out to all the places that the first would rather pull out all his teeth before going..he acts so...perfectly...too perfectly..that you know it can't can't be'll give up something predictable for something that could explode in your face, burning and scaring you for life, leaving you to go single for yet another four years, in recovery...

    and then there is the issue of what to tell the first....he's not stupid..he knows you have been hanging out with a new friend....does he just trust you? or does he just not care....

    i wish he just didn't that this guilt i have will quit picking away at that ulcer i feel coming on...

    in the end i fear i will be back with my good old buddy, Lonliness..but if that happens..i know it was meant to be..we were meant to be together..

By patrick on Friday, February 9, 2001 - 12:33 pm:

    i cant begin to address an emotional sack of poop myself.

By sarah on Friday, February 9, 2001 - 02:25 pm:

    spiracle, try to put your fear aside (or at least just pretend to) and ask yourself two questions:

    1. what do i really want?

    2. how would i want to be treated in this situation if i was in the other person's shoes?

    don't answer what you think you should answer, just be totally truthful with yourself. and don't judge your own answers.

    then just do some thinking.

    that's the best i got... good luck, girl.

By J on Friday, February 9, 2001 - 04:18 pm:

    Two guys and you feel guilty?I call that lucky.I decided I shouldn't give advise,I told Ryan to just be himself and looking back,that was poor advise.

By TBone on Friday, February 9, 2001 - 04:35 pm:

    Meant to be? Bah.

    Sounds sad.

    The "Too Perfect" thing has always bothered me. If he's really perfect, then rock on... If there is a problem (there usually is with "Too Perfect") then figure it out. Address it.

    Hmm. Nevermind. That's not very helpful advice at all.

    I've been described as "Too Perfect" when I'm really anything but. Someone actually broke up with me using that reason. It was really because there were some things she didn't like about me that she was afraid to admit or address.

    Hmm. Again, not very helpful. How 'bout this:

    Being in a rut is no fun! Rock on! Get it on! Take risks and don't look back!

    Uh... chose whichever you like... or none. Yeah. You're cool. You deserve cool people.


By Rhiannon on Friday, February 9, 2001 - 04:46 pm:

    No one's perfect. Everyone has problems.

    Guy #1 sounds like a terrible waste of energy (your energy, I mean).

    Guy #2 probably isn't perfect, but since no one is, and you enjoy being with him so much more than with Guy #1, choose him.

    So sayeth I, intimacy avoideur extraordinaire.

By Spiracle on Friday, February 9, 2001 - 06:40 pm:

    ok, guys..i realize perfect is impossible or even worthy of alarm..

    i guess the word i should have used was 'possible'..he's possible..and even likely..and i can imagine it..and that's scary enough i know it could easily blow up in my face..

    whatever..i'm not even too worried about that..

    it's all a matter of timing..what a bastard that month or two earlier and i could have avoided this shit..

By Nate on Friday, February 9, 2001 - 07:15 pm:

    i don't think you should be with either guy. wash your hands and move on.

By dave. on Friday, February 9, 2001 - 08:27 pm:

    go to europe or something. live it up. there's plenty of time for boyfriends. you're cute enough that attracting guys shouldn't be an issue. unless you totally reek or something. do you have nasty breath?

    if i could go back to my younger days and do it over again, i'd make sure they counted. i definitely wouldn't worry about being lonely or single or any of that crap.

By Hal on Saturday, February 10, 2001 - 03:21 am:

    You know I wish I had to deal with problems like these... To do so requires someone else, that is my key problem right now...

    Oh well, back to the movie.

By sarah on Saturday, February 10, 2001 - 12:00 pm:

    we're *all* lonely. that shouldn't even be the issue. and i fully agree with nate and dave.

    i've been on male strike for two weeks now and i can't believe how much happier i've been. goodbye negative energy! goodbye self doubt!

By Daniel ssss on Saturday, February 10, 2001 - 04:34 pm:

    Male strike; female abstinence. Yeah.

    Lose them both and remember, Joseph Campbell says (said) that the ONLY question there is ... is whether or not we say YES! to the adventure.

    We're only lonely if we want to be; we only get sucked in if we want to be; we only settle for the predictable and mundane and safe, if we want to settle; we only risk finding someone new and different and *healthy* and good for us ... if we want to.

    Rock on. Just stop looking and start knowing yourself. Log off and go buy coffee for a stranger whom you find in the "gardening section" at Borders. Don't give him yr number, and don't go home with him.

    Report back tomorrow with all the details. And lose the two losers.

    What the hell do I know.

By Hal on Saturday, February 10, 2001 - 05:01 pm:

    Sounds like you know about as much as I do on the subject.

By Spiracle on Sunday, February 11, 2001 - 09:09 pm:

    "We're only lonely if we want to be; we only get sucked in if we want to be; we only settle for the predictable and mundane and safe, if we want to settle; we only risk finding someone new and different and *healthy* and good for us ... if we want to. "

    i completely agree..i've been in more control of this mess than i'd like to admit..i'm realizing that..

By semillama on Monday, February 12, 2001 - 09:03 am:

    Bizarre occurence #1: A waitress obviously flirts a bit with me at Appleby's in Stevens Point, where I am eating with my brother. My brother cracks up, which clues me in that I wasn't just imagining things. I am immediately suspicious of things like that, because I wouldn't put it past a shrewd waitress (in fact, I admire it in a way) to flirt with me to increase the size of her tip (which was a standard 20%).

    Bizarre occurence #2: While eating at one of my old fav restaurants in the home town, I develop a short duration crush on the waitress, a short, blackhaired girl with blue eyes and a comforting smile and manner.

    I think I must attribute these to the fact that I am moving far away from this region in a short time.

    This has nothing to do with Spiracle's situation, just thought I would butt in.

By Czarina on Monday, February 12, 2001 - 09:45 am:

    nice butt

By Hal on Monday, February 12, 2001 - 03:54 pm:

    God I'm a cheap ass... Any tip I give is a standard 15%, unless the service sucks then the tip goes down accordingly.

By heather on Monday, February 12, 2001 - 04:26 pm:

    15% is no longer a decent tip.

    tipping like that in NY will probably get you something nasty the next time you go in

By semillama on Monday, February 12, 2001 - 04:31 pm:

    I tip 20% because I used to work for tips. If there is a delivery charge, I will tip besides that, since a lot of places don't give the charge to the driver.

By pez on Monday, February 12, 2001 - 04:41 pm:

    i don't remember the last time i was in a restaurant that had actual people to tip.

    i've been tipped at work occasionally, but put it in the donation jar on the counter. i could get fired for accepting a tip.

By Rhiannon on Monday, February 12, 2001 - 05:18 pm:

    Isn't $8 too much to leave on a $38 bill? Especially when the waiter didn't do anything extra? Can someone back me up here?

By TBone on Monday, February 12, 2001 - 05:47 pm:

    Yes, but only because I worked in a restaurant as a bus boy and didn't get tips.

    I was bitter about it. I cleaned the table, but left the tip there for the waitress (no waiters).

    Then again, I got paid more hourly than the waitresses did. They could be paid less than minimum wage because they got tips. Assy.

By heather on Monday, February 12, 2001 - 06:37 pm:

    well, leave $7 maybe

    sorry rhiannon. i've 'waited', as well as most of my friends....i would say that most waiters think you shouldn't go out to eat if you can't afford it.

    wait people get paid like $2 an hour.

By Cat on Monday, February 12, 2001 - 06:51 pm:

    I like the system here...wait staff get paid ok wages and any tips are a bonus. If the service was just average, it's quite normal not to tip.

    It should lead to fabby shoe-kissing wait people but unfortunately, the inherent Australian casualness and total abhorence of servility means our service is still the worst in the World. But then again, I find the American "Hi, I'm going to pretend to be your best friend for the next two hours" thing really annoying.

    The sky is really heart-stoppingly blue here today and I'm really thinking far too much about sex to make any sense.

By sarah on Monday, February 12, 2001 - 07:09 pm:

    sem, it's not leaving wisconsin, ya big goof. crushes and food service go hand in hand.

    i tip 20% always. even if the service is bad. unless it's really really really really bad and then i tip 15%.

By sarah on Monday, February 12, 2001 - 07:10 pm:

    when i was in melbourne i tried to tip someone and they looked at me with disgust and said, "i'm not your servant."


By crimson on Monday, February 12, 2001 - 07:13 pm:

    the sky is turning a nice bruised amethyst hue here in the mountains.

    the whole tipping thing makes me think of something my husband told me about his mom taking a really poor woman out to a restaurant. the poor lady didn't know anything about tipping & suddenly went running around the restaurant screeching, "looky here! all these folks has done left money on the table!" & frantically scooping all the dough into the pockets of her dress. ren's mom was mortified.

By Hal on Monday, February 12, 2001 - 07:47 pm:

    Well I guess I should repent on that remark, I don't actually tip 15%, I'm poor, but I never skimp someone on a tip, I use to deliver food and tips were the money we made, pure and simple. So I don't even order food or go out to eat at a resturant if I don't have something worthwhile to give the person serving me for a tip.

    I mean sometimes I give what I have.

By Dougie on Tuesday, February 13, 2001 - 09:12 am:

    I hate when restaurants automatically add 15% gratuity. If the service sucks, I want to be able to control how much I leave. I usually leave 20%, but if the waiter acts like he'd rather be out walking on hot coals rather than serving me, I'll leave a couple of coins, or nothing at all. The other thing I hate is when they come up to you every 5 minutes, interrupting your conversation and asking, "How is everything here folks?" "Same as it was 5 minutes ago dude, but thanks for checking yet again..."

By semillama on Tuesday, February 13, 2001 - 10:20 am:

    I get ticked off when I am out with a group and I'm the only one who believes in tipping. I went out at a confrence with one guy and he left less than 10% and it was pretty good service. This really blew my mind because teh same guy leaves like $3 tips for the maids at the hotel, which I don't get. So, anyhow, I usually end up tipping more personally in those situations.

    I will tip 15% if the service was lacking but not too bad, but if the service was really bad, they screwed up the order or the service was inattentive or rude, the amount of tip goes down. Tips should reflect the quality of service, but also the fact that people who work for tips often get screwed on wages. So it takes a lot for me not to tip at all.

By J on Tuesday, February 13, 2001 - 10:22 am:

    TBone,speaking as a ex-waitress,you got the shaft,I always gave part of my tips to the bus boy,I think you are supposed to.And along with Dougie's rant,I hate it when they come to your table and ask you if you want cracked pepper,like they really put themselves out and went the extra mile for you when they could just have a pepper grinder at your table.I've been known to dine and dash when the service is really bad.I might post about my trauma at the T-Bone steak house some years ago,if I'm up to typing that much.I get so jealous of all you sometimes,I type with two fingers and I have to look at the keys.

By J on Tuesday, February 13, 2001 - 10:36 am:

    And like Sem says, I always had to check the table when I used to have lunch with Shaunna the bitch,if it was her turn to tip,she'd only leave 10%.I always added to it too.But then again,as an ex-waitress sometimes I think people start crap with you and start complaining right away because they weren't planning on tipping you in the first place.

By semillama on Tuesday, February 13, 2001 - 11:41 am:

    Yeah, I believe that one. I also don't like it whenpeople think that they need their asses kissed in order to give a tip. Hell, just keep my water filled and you've got 20% right there.

By Nate on Tuesday, February 13, 2001 - 01:14 pm:

    20% and a $5 min.

    and my usual pizza delivery guy gets a BL and a beer on top of it.

By Dougie on Tuesday, February 13, 2001 - 01:26 pm:


By Pilate on Tuesday, February 13, 2001 - 01:44 pm:

    It stands for "blowjob later". At least that's what my pizza guy told me.

By Nate on Tuesday, February 13, 2001 - 01:51 pm:


    bong load.

By Platypus on Tuesday, February 13, 2001 - 02:26 pm:

    I think I'll be the pizza guy at Pilate's.

    My tipping really does depend ont he service--I tip at least 15%, but I've gone up to 50% for something really exceptional. I've never been on wait staff--I wouldn't be a good waitress.
    I kind of like having the gratuity included because then, if the service was really amazing, I can leave a little extra something, like Cat says. And if the service wasn't...then I don't leave anything at all but I don't feel totally guilty.
    I hate obsequious waiters.

By Hal on Tuesday, February 13, 2001 - 03:37 pm:

    Had to do that last new years, we had just enough money for the pizza, and it was new years so we didn't want to skimp the driver on some sort of tip. I mean that would just be fucking cold. So we gave him the only thing we had, beer. He ended up with 4 beers of his choice, becuase we had 4 different kinds and figured maybe he'd want one of each... He seemed pretty appreciative.

    The only other time I've ordered pizza without a tip, was when my buddy Adam goes, "I got the tip don't worry about it." sure Adam poor ass motherfucker. So the guy shows up, I pay him, get the pizza take it to the kitchen, and when i get back the guy IS taking a bong rip... Nate I think you were right, all pizza delivery men will accept a bong hit for a tip.

By TBone on Tuesday, February 13, 2001 - 04:20 pm:

    I once tipped a pizza guy 12 bucks by accident.

    I thought I gave him 3.

    But he did come all the way up to my dorm room, which was unusual.

    Some waitresses would give us some tip money... Those ended up being the ones I'd help willingly. There were nice waitresses who sometimes shared their tips, and bitchy waitresses who had worked there for 30 years and hated everyone. They couldn't figure out why they got such crappy tips...

By heather on Tuesday, February 13, 2001 - 05:47 pm:

    the funny thing is that when you first wait, you kill yourself to do things for snappy demanding people. then you find out that the people who treat you well are the ones who tip you well.

By Dougie on Tuesday, February 13, 2001 - 06:15 pm:

    Bong loads for the pizza guy? Even if I still smoked pot, I don't think I'd be sharing it with the scroungy-looking guys who deliver pizza here. If he's here within the time frame the pizza dispatcher tells me (35-40 minutes) he gets $2 on an $10 pizza. If not, he gets spare change.

    The problem with waiters in this country is, none of them are waiters. They're actors or singers between gigs. Waiting is a profession like anything else, and though I don't do it often, if I'm going to lay down $100 a plate at a nice place in the city, the waiter's presence should not be noticed while you're eating. It should be totally unobtrusive: water glasses should be filled without them reaching across your face to fill the glass, plates should be taken when you lay your silverware on the plate and should not be a big production of stacking and reaching, and if they want to ask if you need anything else or how the food is, do it while I'm between sentences with whomever I'm talking to at the table.

By sarah on Tuesday, February 13, 2001 - 06:24 pm:

    i don't really understand pizza. it doesn't even taste good, if you really bother to taste it or think about it. all that goop sludged together on some thick, heavy bread made with too much baking soda. sits in your stomach like a lump of crisco on a brick and you purp up the taste of bocholized sausage spaghettios for days afterward. bleah.

By Hal on Tuesday, February 13, 2001 - 08:47 pm:

    I can understand your sentiment, I mean sure thats what it is. But in the same respect I love sushi, in fact I had it today (sort of a Birthday gift from the parents ) anyway, a lot of people can't stand it. Not just because they know what it is, but the taste. Its pretty hard to find something I can't eat, although there are those few things. Salmon Roe is one of them, and I'm not particularly fond of beets...

    I think Dougie is right, if I'm shelling out that kinda dough for a dinner, I will tip the guy/girl who is there to serve me, but I don't want to see the person really, they should make themselves invisible to the people eating, be as discreet as possilble.

By agatha on Tuesday, February 13, 2001 - 08:56 pm:

    the best waitress i ever had worked at this place in seattle called the cyclops. the waitress was not only totally nice and efficient, but she took cleo while i was eating and walked around with her taking orders. cleo was like six months old. it was i think the first time in like six months that i got to eat without a baby in my lap. i loved that damn waitress.

By dave. on Tuesday, February 13, 2001 - 09:26 pm:

    that was a good waitress, she got a good tip. i will absolutely not tip if i get the feeling the waitstaff would rather i weren't there. i don't tip for beer at a tavern or coffee at chain cafes. otherwise, it's 20% unless something like the example agatha gave occurs.

By Dougie on Wednesday, February 14, 2001 - 08:54 am:

    Pizza doesn't taste good, Sarah? Sure, Dominos tastes like tomato juice on cardboard, and I just use it as ballast to fill me up, but there are some awesome pizzas out there. Ever tried to make your own? Make yourself a good tomato sauce and get some really good mozzarella and a nice dough, put whatever tickles your fancy on top, and there you go.

By semillama on Wednesday, February 14, 2001 - 12:28 pm:

    Pizza is such an american food. It's the king of "let's put every course into one item" style of cuisine, which includes things like subs and hot-pockets. That's what I think, anyway.

By patrick on Thursday, February 15, 2001 - 12:57 pm:

    as someone who cooked pizza for 3 years in high school and college, i agree with most people's assesment. Pizza hut, Dominoes and the like are all indeed shit. BUT there are very classy, healthy and damn good ways to prepare pizza. i had the opportunity to work in a gourmet pizza shop that puts California Pizza Kitchen to shit ass shame.

    Not all pizza has to be that way Sarah. And of course cramming many courses into one is not American. Goulash, stews and soups, sheppards pie, and the million other caserroles and recipes that combine many things into one.

By Nelly on Friday, February 16, 2001 - 11:53 pm:

    i have this mental smell and taste image of the ideal pizza. it's about as flat as it can get and not be just a geometrical concept, and it's maddeningly delicious. just sauce and cheese. may have actually eaten one sometime in early childhood but can't remember it. i think it's conjured up from my father's description of some archetypically delicious pizza he had in Chicago (given for comparison while we were eating little frozen pizzas). That was back before pizza was ubiquitous, when it was still a somewhat exotic item. would've been the 40's and the chances of that pizza place still being there are remote. but all the same, if i could find it, it'd be worth an expedition. i wish sense memories like that could be transmitted from brain to brain. cerebral network card. i'd like you to taste it too. my mouth is watering now.

    the Capri Pizzeria in Athens used to be memorably fine too, but it was the pouffy thick edge crust kind.

    what has happened to food

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