Control. What are you afraid of?: Control.

By Lapis on Thursday, July 8, 2004 - 05:44 am:

    Time, in general, feels so long lately. I work and ride and occasionally drink but rarely do anything else so sometimes I feel lopsided. Maybe I'm lonely. I don't know. I don't tell my friends when things are bathering meor if I'm thinking about things... they're all living their lives and I'm pleased to see them happy. A small pleasure.

    I have been so quiet and still, taking risks to feel alive. I wrecked on the hill two months ago (still a bit of flaky knee from that, but the scarrage will last a long time) and at the bike fair I laid on the ground with four other people so this guy could bunnyhop over us. Maybe that's normal. On the forth of july I tried to ride no hands with sparklers but I couldn't manage.

    Today I worked, it's okay because it's just one more day before I have my weekend to see my cousin get married. It was pretty standard, walking around the place and trying not to get bored.

    About 9:45, this couple comes to my register after I get back from my break. He's dressed up with an expensive watch and chains, she looks like she hasn't washed her hair in three days. I ring them up, he writes a check and they leave.

    Two minutes later she's back.

    Turns out he wrote the check for $20 over and she wants the money. He's in the car. No problem, I pull out the check and begin the procedure.

    I end up having to call the check examiner and being on hold for 15 minutes and they eventually leave. I get an override and talk to the PICs about it and whatever.

    They said it was probably a stolen check, an account without money and I started freaking out, alking around and slamming cds and dvds ack into place, tears rolling down and my throat so tight I can barely breathe, and everyone around me is telling me that it'll be fine, that I did nothing wrong and if I hadn'tmade the mstake it would never have been caught.

    Yay me.



    It seems like every time I make a mistake or shirk my responsibilities in any way, it comes back to bite me. I try to do everything perfect, leave everything oh so nice and neat and clean and ringup right and still I make a mistake and something happens.

    It's awful. I'm supposed to do these things correctly the first time and I know how to do things right but I'm flaking and slipping and I don't understand how I can do anything so so stupid.

    I'm beginning to think I'm crazy. I need to get out more, slow down, not to expect so much of myself. Be 22 and have fun. Maybe I'll go to a psychiatrist again. I don't know. Find something new to be obsessive with so perfection is no longer an issue.

By dave. on Thursday, July 8, 2004 - 05:58 am:



    get busy. time's-a-wastin'.

    maybe 15 years from now you'll understand. that's, like, way sooner than you might think. seriously.


By The Watcher on Thursday, July 8, 2004 - 02:30 pm:

    Just wait till you hit forty and things really start to fall apart.

By Lapis on Thursday, July 8, 2004 - 03:23 pm:

    Oh, I have a 50 year plan.

By heather on Thursday, July 8, 2004 - 03:50 pm:

    shut up you assholes

    lapis, relax
    fuck up
    it's okay and it doesn't matter

    maybe you just want more of a challenge to be more present in what you're doing

By Lapis on Friday, July 9, 2004 - 04:53 am:

    Challenge is good but nonexistent. Nearly. Instead I wear out mymouth with smiles and wea out my feet with walking. I keep things clean and the manager likes it that way.

    After about six months at this store, my memory of the various music market sections is near photographic. If I've noticed an item I can direct a customer the the very spot in which it rests.

    Anybody could do that really, if they tried.

    The perfection thing though, it extends beyond work. It's something I've been doing for years but I've never wigged out so badly over it before.

    A habit to break.

By patrick on Friday, July 9, 2004 - 03:18 pm:


    relax pez.

    your parents put a lot of performance type pressure on you, thus youre over reaction at the slightest 'failure'.

    you made a mistake being good, and providing service, which is your job.

    no biggie.

By Lapis on Friday, July 9, 2004 - 04:24 pm:

    My parents do put pressure on me, but not nearly as much as in the past. I never got so in a tizzy for that. I'd just lie and hide my report cards.

    I tried really hard tobe the good kid at home, attracting very little attention and doing things just so because my little sister used to be so awful. It was my own doing.

By Sye on Friday, July 9, 2004 - 05:13 pm:

    I know EXACTLY where you are coming from, Lapis.

    I was so afraid that if I messed up one little bit, a hellstorm would break loose. To this day, I am afraid of my parents sometimes.

    The one thing I have finally learned is that people are a LOT more understanding of circumstances or mistakes than I ever gave them credit to be.

    Not giving advice, just experience.
    Good luck with your demons.

By TBone on Friday, July 9, 2004 - 06:37 pm:

    I wish you much happiness, Lapis.

By dave. on Friday, July 9, 2004 - 06:44 pm:

    me too.

    and less fucking up.


By Lapis on Monday, July 12, 2004 - 09:37 pm:

    I've actually been given props for handling it well.

    I'm trying to talk more to my coworkers and being goofy.

    One of my dad's cousins is tryingto convince me to more to Boston and go to Harvard's night school. I don't know what exactly to think of that just yet.

By Lapis on Monday, July 19, 2004 - 04:27 am:

    One week later: hundreds of injuries and manic happenings and many many dance bike rides later, I feel much better.

    What a difference a week and a road trip make.

    On Monday night there was kickball, then pizza then bombing. I rocked out too hard and bloodied my knees to 'Bohemian Rhapsody'.

    On Wednesday Mandycakes and I retrieved our dance bikes from a fellow Sprockette's home, then there was practice (four hours!) that night. And broke the wireless. Thank goodness for Ethernet.

    On Friday I boarded a school bus with twenty friends and began the long road to Seattle.

    On Saturday I woke up in a publc park and met one of the most amazing people ever.

    Today I discovered the magnitude of all my week's (mostly Saturday's) injuries and decided to get a tattoo of one of my bruises. It's all stripey and almost Japanese looking. Like the characters.

    Tomorrow I'm going to figure out how much it will cost and how long it'll take.

The Stalking Post: General goddam chit-chat Every 3 seconds: Sex . Can men and women just be friends? . Dreamland . Insomnia . Are you stoned? . What are you eating? I need advice: Can you help? . Reasons to be cheerful . Days and nights . Words . Are there any news? Wishful thinking: Have you ever... . I wish you were... . Why I oughta... Is it art?: This question seems to come up quite often around here. Weeds: Things that, if erased from our cultural memory forever, would be no great loss Surfwatch: Where did you go on the 'net today? What are you listening to?: Worst music you've ever heard . What song or tune is going through your head right now? . Obscure composers . Obscure Jazz, 1890-1950 . Whatever, whenever General Questions: Do you have any regrets? . Who are you? . Where are you? . What are you doing here? . What have you done? . Why did you do it? . What have you failed to do? . What are you wearing? . What do you want? . How do you do? . What do you want to do today? . Are you stupid? Specific Questions: What is the cruelest thing you ever did? . Have you ever been lonely? . Have you ever gone hungry? . Are you pissed off? . When is the last time you had sex? . What does it look like where you are? . What are you afraid of? . Do you love me? . What is your definition of Heaven? . What is your definition of Hell? Movies: Last movie you saw . Worst movie you ever saw . Best movie you ever saw Reading: Best book you've ever read . Worst book you've ever read . Last book you read Drunken ramblings: uiphgy8 hxbjf.bklf ghw789- bncgjkvhnqwb=8[ . Payphones: Payphone Project BBS . torturechamber . . receipts . contact