what's wrong with me?

sorabji.com: Do you love me?: what's wrong with me?

By dave. on Friday, March 7, 2003 - 10:36 pm:


    what's the problem?

    be honest. i can take it.

By wisper on Saturday, March 8, 2003 - 01:52 am:

    i love you dave.

    remember that time in the summer someone asked how you get a lowercase letter at the start of their name in a post, and you told them that Mark was a real funny guy, and he set it up so that you had to type 'cocksucker' (or something similar) before your name?
    And several people (even PJ Boy? i think?) believed you??! and so the next 3 posters names started with 'Cocksucker', and they were SO pissed?!

    i was on a public library computer when i read that, and i swear i almost got kicked out from laughing so hard. I was crying and wheezing and everything. Kids were pointing.

    i love you dave! i want to give you big hugs.

By kazoo on Saturday, March 8, 2003 - 08:51 am:

    I don't think that there is anything wrong with you dave. My budget is suffering a tad because of the albums you've clued me in to, but that's not a bad thing. I always check the political threads when you've posted because I know it's going to be something, if not refreshing, then hilarious that I wish I'd thought of first. Like the one about shaving your cock that posted that other day...that killed me...though I didn't really wish I'd been the first to post that.

    You've changed my life. No longer are leg shaking, sweating poops, just poops...now it's a "dave. poop"

    I don't nominate just anybody for Statler and Waldorf Awards for Excellence in Crankiness and Cynicism.

    So there.

By Nate on Saturday, March 8, 2003 - 10:34 am:


    fuck fuck fuck fuck.

By J on Saturday, March 8, 2003 - 11:10 am:

    Hehe I think it was Agatha that calls poop fluffies:) I think your wonderful Dave,your all that and then some.You are a child of the universe you have a right to be here.xxxooo

By dave. on Saturday, March 8, 2003 - 12:58 pm:

    well, shucks. thanks. but i'm really not fishing for compliments. something's broken over here. i have my own ideas, of course, but i'd like to hear what you guys think. i've revealed more of my defects here, directly and indirectly, than anywhere else and i feel closer to you all than i do to my own family. not my little nuclear family, i mean like my folks and my brother and aunts and uncles and so forth. i realize this thread is an attempt to draw everyone in to my own insatiable, guilty self-indulgence but i'll be 36 in a couple weeks and i'm working this shit job, i go broke between paychecks, and i feel like one day i'll wake up an old man wondering how the fuck that happened. mid-life crisis? could be, but i don't really yearn for youth so much as a break from this cycle of stifling drudgery. so, where's the disconnect?

By Nate on Saturday, March 8, 2003 - 01:08 pm:

    it's your shitty attitude.

By dave. on Saturday, March 8, 2003 - 01:12 pm:

    that's what i'm talking about.

By wisper on Saturday, March 8, 2003 - 01:20 pm:

    could you change jobs?

    doesn't agatha hate her job too?
    you two must be fun when you get home.

By eri on Saturday, March 8, 2003 - 01:28 pm:

    It sounds like you are going through one of those "looking in the mirror and not happy with what you see" phases of your life right now. I get them too. Or I used to. It has been a good long while since I have had one.

    Unfortunately it is a rare person who is actually able to find the job that makes them happy. I always hated my jobs, except my last one but that was just temp anyways.

    Only thing I can say is go have some fucking fun. Whatever lame brained thing it is, go do it and have fun. That is the purpose our pool serves here. At the end of the day you just want to tell everyone to fuck off and have some you time and we would just go to the pool. The kids did their own thing for the most part and we just played volleyball and swam and had fun. Sounds lame, but it did the trick.

By Dave. on Saturday, March 8, 2003 - 04:34 pm:

    yeah, i dunno. i just feel trapped. it doesn't seem like a good time to start a new job/career. this thing i'm doing now was supposed to be just that -- more potential etc. but somebody has to sell the product to create the opportunity and right now no one's buying. cash flow is tapped out so continuing education isn't an option. boohoo. could be worse, i know. we have a house, everyone's insured, we eat well. maybe i have unrealistic expectations?

    i'm a good employee, my customers like me more than they probably should, they practically have to force me to take a vacation, i haven't missed a day in who knows how long, i go above and beyond as a matter of course and the account would be seriously fucked if i took off but there are average kids coming out of high school who make as much as i do so why am i so stuck?

By dave. on Saturday, March 8, 2003 - 04:37 pm:

    forgot to type cocksucker.

By sarah on Saturday, March 8, 2003 - 05:05 pm:

    it's your pessimism and apathy and dismissiveness.

    see, now, the irony is that if anyone else asked "what's
    wrong with me?", dave's first response of course would
    be some back-handed smart-ass retort, sorabji-style.
    it's expected of all of us. but dave's real response would
    be "who am i to say what's wrong with you?"

    am i right?

    i love you dave. really. there's nothing wrong with you
    that's not wrong with all of us.

By sarah on Saturday, March 8, 2003 - 05:07 pm:

    fuck. don't listen to me.

By heather on Saturday, March 8, 2003 - 08:00 pm:

    in two days i have to say a new number for my age and i have been feeling the same way.

    whatever you have, someone else thinks they would finally be happy if they got it.

    exercise, or an anti-depressant, ah.

    if it's the stuff that makes you happy it can all go away, and then you kill yourself like my grandma's rich neighbor during the depression.

By Ophelia on Saturday, March 8, 2003 - 08:48 pm:

    more hugs! dave needs more hugs in his life!


By patrick on Monday, March 10, 2003 - 12:49 pm:

    you know too much dave.

    its a curse.

    now fuckoff you old cranky bastard.

By semillama on Monday, March 10, 2003 - 01:30 pm:

    You need to fly more kites.

By Spider on Monday, March 10, 2003 - 01:34 pm:

    Dave, I think your problem is that you have an unstable mixture of cynicism and hope swirling about in your heart and in your head, and this colors everything you do and want.

    It makes me think of something W.B. Yeats wrote -- "It is one of the great troubles of life that we cannot have any unmixed emotions. There is always something in our enemy that we like, and something in our sweetheart that we dislike. It is this entanglement of moods which makes us old, and puckers our brows and deepens the furrows about our eyes."

By agatha on Monday, March 10, 2003 - 07:15 pm:

    you guys rule.

    i sure do worry about my honey bunny.

By kazoo on Wednesday, March 19, 2003 - 02:29 pm:

    I love when agatha says cute things about dave.

    you know, when I read your first post my first reaction was that you were not fishing for compliments, but I couldn't think of anything else to say. Having read your subsequent posts I think I get it now. I don't really have anything to say that hasn't already, which is good because I'm having trouble thinking of anything to say because I've gotten less than five hours of sleep in the past two days.

    I really can't relate being somewhat younger and, for the most part, on the career path that I'd hoped to be on by now. I'm not accusing you of this, but one thing I have noticed is that I always find something to be unhappy about...I've spend a considerable amount of time fretting over the last few years about how I'm losing my personality. It's not true of course, and it does force me to try to get back in touch with all the things that make me an interesting person...I buy a lot of music that I really can't afford since I don't have much time or energy for novels and films. I like múm quite a bit, who I heard about from you. Actually most of what I've purchased lately is because of what I've read here. Interpol and Górecki...thanks Spider.

    I didn't mean to babble on about me. Sorry.

    p.s. hey nate, I've also incorporated "Nate Poop" into my vocabulary, however I have not taken one lately.

By Nate on Wednesday, March 19, 2003 - 03:02 pm:

    i took seven of them yesterday.

By Antigone on Wednesday, March 19, 2003 - 03:10 pm:

    I love you too, dave, but not in the way all these chicks say.

    I wanna fuck ya.

By kazoo on Wednesday, March 19, 2003 - 04:36 pm:

    seven shits in one day. damn, I'm lucky if I get one every seven days

By Nate on Wednesday, March 19, 2003 - 04:50 pm:

    well, i had a nearly three day backup. i shifted from my protein rich diet to a hippie-carb veggie diet. lots of squash and yams and shit.

    the craps were like a first-in first-out replay of what i'd eaten. like a core sample of my digestive tract. quite interesting, really. number three or so being bright yam orange.

By kazoo on Wednesday, March 19, 2003 - 05:28 pm:

    wow. that is interesting. i need to stop eating cheese if i wants to get me regular again.

By patrick on Wednesday, March 19, 2003 - 05:43 pm:

    while we're on the subject.....

    is it just me or is anyone convinced of the notion that men are just more gassy?

    apparently i fogged my wife outta the bedroom the other night.

    is there any basis to my perception that men fat 20 times to every girl fart?

By wisper on Wednesday, March 19, 2003 - 05:52 pm:

    what? nate? veggies???

By kazoo on Wednesday, March 19, 2003 - 05:55 pm:

    not convinced. but then again I fart as much as my brothers, step-father, and male friends and so forth...always have, part of the dairy problem but soy does it too. Do you play the safety/doorknob game?

By patrick on Wednesday, March 19, 2003 - 05:58 pm:

    im unaware of such a game?

By Nate on Wednesday, March 19, 2003 - 05:58 pm:

    i was visiting my veggie family in humboldt. i ate more tofu in three days than i have in the prior three hundred days.

    i barely fart at all.

By patrick on Wednesday, March 19, 2003 - 05:58 pm:

    hey dave whaddya know.....we've steered this thread to farts, poops and such. you should be pleased.

By Cat on Wednesday, March 19, 2003 - 06:00 pm:

    I think it's a lot to do with the smegma you constantly schlurp into your system. Eating your own smegma is bad for you and, while it will make your hair curly, it does nothing at all for your complexion.

    I strongly advise you to stop your regular smegma consumption immediately. You'll find that your complexion improves and so will your social graces.

    No one likes a man with his own pubic hairs between his teeth.

By patrick on Wednesday, March 19, 2003 - 06:00 pm:

    yeah but you shit 7 times in a day nate. thats insane. admirable, but insane.

By kazoo on Wednesday, March 19, 2003 - 06:01 pm:

    if you fart, you say "safety." if you don't say safety, then someone can say "doorknob" and that person can beat on you until you grab onto a doorknob. Stupid? yes, but I would imagine any game based on passing gas would be.

By kazoo on Wednesday, March 19, 2003 - 06:02 pm:

    god, I've missed you Cat

By eri on Wednesday, March 19, 2003 - 06:02 pm:

    I find that I belch a hell of a lot more than Spunky but he farts more than I do. I have never known a man who has silent but deadlies, and women have those all of the time. Maybe women just fart differently then men or something insane like that.

    I have found that having one cup of coffee in the morning keeps me regular, but after a while I get intestinal cramps from the coffee and quit for a while.

By kazoo on Wednesday, March 19, 2003 - 06:06 pm:

    I've stopped drinking coffee. It's truly amazing. Even the things that used to send me back into my coffee habit haven't done so yet. Like yesterday when I'd only gotten 30 minutes of sleep, and this morning after about 4 hours...I just had my usual tea. I don't imagine this will last since the hot weather will be here soon and they have dunkin donuts here...their iced-coffee, I don't know what it is...it's crap, but I have to drink it.

By patrick on Wednesday, March 19, 2003 - 06:06 pm:

    i was reading a story recently of a girl who suffered monumental embarrassment after she queefed one during her yoga class.

    maybe it balances out in the end, because with poonanie farts its not so much an odor but the absurd noise.

    thanks in part to cat, this thread is spiraling fast.

By Cat on Wednesday, March 19, 2003 - 06:11 pm:

    Thank you Patrick. I'm all about spiralling into farts.

    There was a time that I couldn't even type the word "fart". But a good friend of mine cured me of it and taught me the value of fart jokes. I still blink when I tell one though.

By patrick on Wednesday, March 19, 2003 - 06:14 pm:

    im working on it too. this thread is helping.

    now, if i could just do something to help myself fart less because im really uncomfortable the wife felt she had to leave the bed it was so bad.

    we both ate the same japanese food that night.

By kazoo on Wednesday, March 19, 2003 - 06:26 pm:

    do you remember who broke the first wind?

    it was me. you should have seen the look on sem's face. he said, "I stifle mine for you." I said something like, "well maybe you shouldn't."

By patrick on Wednesday, March 19, 2003 - 06:35 pm:


    probably me.

    she rarely farts and when she does, she acts like she totally didnt expect...sometimes it comes when shes laughing and brpppppttttt.

    9 years later i still stifle if im conscious. its when im asleep things get out of hand.

By semillama on Wednesday, March 19, 2003 - 07:33 pm:

    I wasn't aware of the doorknob part...

By Nate on Wednesday, March 19, 2003 - 07:37 pm:

    "i stifle mine for you"

    that's fucking great.

By kazoo on Wednesday, March 19, 2003 - 07:41 pm:

    He doesn't anymore. And based on what I've heard since, it's a wonder he didn't 'splode

By Dougie on Wednesday, March 19, 2003 - 07:57 pm:

    I love when my puppy farts and looks back at her ass like, "what the fuck was that?"

By semillama on Wednesday, March 19, 2003 - 08:26 pm:

    She still farts louder and more frequently than I do.

    and they smell more often.

By kazoo on Wednesday, March 19, 2003 - 09:30 pm:

    not true.

By moonit on Wednesday, March 19, 2003 - 10:10 pm:

    For some reason Jules associates the word bung with cheese, so if I say I've got a bung eye, she thinks cheese eye.

    Apparently its because her mum used to tell her that if you ate too much cheese you get bunged up.

    Her mother is also the person who yelled out 'I got diddled' on recieving weird coinage in a shop.

    Ah parents.

By eri on Wednesday, March 19, 2003 - 10:12 pm:

    My parents would yell out "I won! I won!" like they just got the winning lotto ticket at the pizza restraunt when they called out their number. It was funny the first time but then it just got embarrassing.

    I think I am going to use the I got diddled thing just to see if I can embarrass my kids!

By sarah on Thursday, March 20, 2003 - 10:03 am:

    i never fart or burp. well, okay, not never, but very very very rarely. seriously.

    this morning i had my first poop in four days. i had even taken several doses of Super Cleanse, which had never before failed me. i was starting to get worried, and wondered how many days it was safe for the human body to go without eliminating poop. it wasn't a very satisfactory poop though - i'm hoping for more later or tomorrow.

    coffee yeah. usually helps me too, but i'm off coffee again, hopefully for good this time. not because i think it's bad for your, but beause i abuse it.

By Czarina on Thursday, March 20, 2003 - 10:16 am:

    Nate must have burn-y butt from all that yam shitting.

    His TP useage must be cutting into his alcohol budget.

By kazoo on Thursday, March 20, 2003 - 11:56 am:

    My eating disordered aunt went years without taking a good healthy normal poop. I think the only time she did was when she had enemas done and finally agreed to have some kind of surgery that, before she could have healthy poops, kept her on the potty for about 6-7 hours at a time.

    I sometimes drink Smooth Move tea. It works.

By Antigone on Thursday, March 20, 2003 - 11:57 am:

    Eat a large bowl of oatmeal and oatbran, sarah. Always does wonders for me.

By J on Thursday, March 20, 2003 - 12:56 pm:

    I notice since I don't drink beer anymore I hardly ever fart,but cucumbers make me belch.

By eri on Thursday, March 20, 2003 - 01:04 pm:

    beer makes me belch. So do all other carbonated beverages. I rarely fart, but if I had too much coffee the day before, then I tend to before I get hit with the coffee shits!

By wisper on Thursday, March 20, 2003 - 10:12 pm:

    this thread......is amazing.

    i tend to fart and burp silently. In fact, when i do make a noise, i become very proud of myself. I think i picked up the silencing method in highschool, when we had to sit on hard benches in science class, and even the smallest fart would become loud and wet-sounding. But you know how farting on a hard surface is. Intense.
    So i think it just got me to control them so that no one could hear, and i never stopped, and now it's second nature.
    I really am proud when i make a noise. It's almost sad.
    My burps just sound like a quiet hissing, just like a hard exhale. It's pathetic. I've asked everyone to teach me how to belch on command, but i can never get it.
    I WANT to burp LOUD!

    Pooping is great. I can't imagine not going for 4 years. I bet the first time kazzo's aunt went normally was like heaven. The kind where you get a little dizzy and everything. And you'd moan out loud if you could too. And the kind when your butt just feels great for a while after, like it did it's job and it's so happy to be an asshole.
    What a weird feeling, but a good one.
    You know what i'm taking about, right? The kind when you really have to go for a long time, but you can't, and then you do and it's the greatest, most god-like experience on earth.

    If you'll excuse me, i have a craving for Bran Flakes.

By eri on Thursday, March 20, 2003 - 10:20 pm:

    LOL. Wisper, come drink beer with me and we will both be belching out LOUD! I still find myself trying to supress my belches and farts, because it is considered not lady like. Silly me.

    I had a friend who used to laugh at me because every time I belched or farted I would say "excuse me" and it was so weird to her, so she just laughed.

    5 painful coffee shits today. I am going to have to find something else tomorrow!

By Cat on Friday, March 21, 2003 - 07:37 am:

    I feel so proud for starting this wave of fart talk. I can go away for another year now.

By kazoo on Friday, March 21, 2003 - 10:15 am:

    I can burp loud too. Very loud. But only if I've been drinking soda or something carbonated...I can't make myself burp.

By Nate on Friday, March 21, 2003 - 10:37 am:

    but can you burp loudly?

By kazoo on Friday, March 21, 2003 - 10:53 am:


By FRANKLIN P. HIGGINBOTTOMS on Friday, March 21, 2003 - 11:57 am:


By Gee on Friday, March 21, 2003 - 07:09 pm:

    this is just wrong. so very, very wrong.

    I want a man who will hold in his gas for me.

By Antigone on Friday, March 21, 2003 - 07:35 pm:

    You want a man who will explode?

By Antigone on Friday, March 21, 2003 - 07:35 pm:

    People fart. Get over it.

By patrick on Sunday, March 23, 2003 - 02:14 pm:


    its been long established gee lives in a world of make believe. get over it.

By Nate on Sunday, March 23, 2003 - 04:38 pm:

    i thought she lived in toronto.

By kazoo on Sunday, March 23, 2003 - 04:53 pm:

    I thought toronto was make believe

By Antigone on Sunday, March 23, 2003 - 06:47 pm:

    toronto is filled with fart gas

By Nate on Sunday, March 23, 2003 - 07:55 pm:

    definitely. goddamn that place reeked when i was there.

By sarah on Monday, March 24, 2003 - 10:15 am:

    friday night a drank about 6 oz of white sangria, and 2 4-5 oz servings of red wine and was flat-out drunk.

    i drank six microbrewed beers on saturday night and barely got a buzz.

    what the hell is that all about?

By Czarina on Monday, March 24, 2003 - 10:27 am:

    How fartuitous for Gee.

By J on Monday, March 24, 2003 - 11:32 am:

    Wine wipes you out more than beer? I get tanked really easy on an empty stomach.My husbands cousin died in his sleep last week,he had just turned 40,just the sweetest guy,kids just loved him so did I.I had to take Orion to the funeral because Amee has a domestic violence class she has to take every Sat. for 2 hours. Thank God the pastors wife watched him for us during the service.Later at the wake,he was just awfull,he was tired and throwing himself on the ground and screaming so we didn't stay long,neither of us even drank.On the way home we talked about the fact that we didn't drink and that it probably surprised everyone there cause that is so not like us.at our family funerals it's tears and beers.

By eri on Monday, March 24, 2003 - 11:43 am:

    Wine hits me faster than beer, too. I can have (on a full stomach) close to a 6 pack before I get drunk on beer, but wine, I am lucky if it takes more than two or three glasses of wine.

    My ex's family is like that J. I am sorry for your loss. I do remember Great-Great Grandma Abromovitz funeral. It was the first family thing I had really been too (with the WHOLE family there) since we had moved back to Missouri. Here we were in the basement of the church and there was a bartender, different kegs, all kinds of stuff. I didn't drink. I had Micki and had to drive home and I just didn't feel like getting drunk at a funeral at 11 in the morning. All of the men were watching the football game and drinking tons of beer and basically having a huge party. It was the oddest thing I had seen at a funeral, but so appropriate for their family.

By sarah on Monday, March 24, 2003 - 03:06 pm:

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    A polluted intestinal tract -
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    Low energy level?

    People suffer from malnutrition and autointoxication (self-poisoning), which result in disease, parasites and filth, all because of a gradual buildup of many pockets of waste that has not been eliminated. The healthy colon weighs about four pounds, an unhealthy one can weigh more than twice as much. Few people realize that the same unhealthy substances found in the colon can also abound in the stomach, duodenum and small intestine.

    Where has my pep gone?

    Any build-up of old pockets of waste matter (diverticulitis) produces fermentation, putrefaction and stagnant packets of poisons and harmful bacteria (a condition of utointoxication or self-poisoning). These toxins constantly seep into the bloodstream and lymph. They eventually settle into the weakest areas of the body, then various symptoms develop and are given names according to those areas and the degree of cell degeneration. Unfortunately the symptoms found elsewhere in the body resulting from the toxic overload in the bowel, are generally treated rather than the cause in the bowel. Even if one succeeds in strengthening the weak area or suppressing the symptom, the toxic flow from the bowel will simply find another weak area to break through. As Dr. Jensen puts it, "Every tissue is fed by the blood, which is supplied by the bowel. When the bowel is dirty, the blood is dirty and so on to the organs and tissues."

    How can I get back my "get up and go"?

    It is crucial to realize the importance of removing unhealthy bacteria, mold and fungus from the intestinal tract and re-establishing the beneficial bacteria. This flora is essential to a strong immune system, assimilation of vitamins, proteins, fats, carbohydrates and the manufacturing of Vitamin B-12, K and amino acids. It helps reduce cholesterol in the blood, control the pH in the intestines and detoxify the poisonous materials in our diets, while producing cancer-suppressing compounds that strengthen the immune system, increase calcium assimilation and help retard Candida, excess gas and bad breath. When unhealthy bacteria overrun the healthy bacteria, outside pathogens penetrate the immune barriers and clog the blood and lymph with further toxic substance. Proper implantation of healthy bacteria begins with cleansing and removing the harmful bacteria/fungus from the digestive system. A Complete Colon Cleanse/Nutritional Program can prepare the intestinal environment for beneficial bacteria. Water, juice-fasts or colonics by themselves are unable to remove all these substances. There are various preparations that can remove easily accessible build-ups from the colon alone, but for best results it is necessary to cleanse and restore the strong function of the stomach and entire digestive tract. This can only be accomplished by restoring the beneficial flora balance, ridding the system of accumulated waste pockets and introducing highly nutritious raw-live food sources to replace the over abundance of processed/refined foods, meat, dairy, poultry and excessively cooked foods. This is a crucial change for those who are determined to have better health and sustain it for the rest of their life.

    Our company would love to send you more information regarding cleansing and health through proper nutrition. For a free information pack via snail mail (US postal service)
    send an email to: herbalcleanse1@netscape.net

    Or you can call 800-393-7954

    Make sure to include your name, mailing address, and telephone number and we'll mail a free info pack right off to you.

    We do not reply with our extensive information pack through email.

    Remember, this information only comes via snail mail and your local mailman, so please don't ask for email responses.

    Remember to include your complete physical address.

    Thanks and good health.

    Thank You

By semillama on Monday, March 24, 2003 - 04:50 pm:

    "disease is not natural"?


By Nate on Monday, March 24, 2003 - 06:45 pm:

    it's not, dude. and it is on the rise.

By Dougie on Monday, March 24, 2003 - 09:35 pm:

    Holy crap, did you actually try that Sarah?

By Nate on Tuesday, March 25, 2003 - 12:08 am:

    i love this part:

    "Everyday, a gallon of goop. Rope-like stuff and intestine-like stuff."

By J on Tuesday, March 25, 2003 - 12:28 am:

    Just try to remember that a clean colon is a healthy colon,and maybe we should start a bowell(?) report.Ah shit,I'm back in Oblivian,take me to your leader.

By Nate on Tuesday, March 25, 2003 - 01:43 am:

    there is no leader. only zool.

By kazoo on Tuesday, March 25, 2003 - 08:05 am:

    My favorite is the apple-juice-olive-oil gall bladder flush that makes you poop green, orange, and black marble-like things.

By dave. on Tuesday, March 25, 2003 - 09:17 am:

    everyone i know who has done that wholeheartedly endorses it. i'd do it if i had the money and time.

By sarah on Tuesday, March 25, 2003 - 09:42 am:

    no, i haven't used herbal cleanse or whatever it is. i just thought it was a funny coincidence that i got that spam in my email yesterday, since we've all been discussing our bowel functions.

    the pill i take sometimes is Super Cleanse. it's about $5 for 50 tablets and i get it at Whole Foods. it doesn't make me poop green ropes.

By Nate on Tuesday, March 25, 2003 - 09:49 am:

    i want to poop strangeness!

By dave. on Tuesday, March 25, 2003 - 09:53 am:

    i was talking about the colonic part. i fasted last summer for 4 days and took an herbal cleanse but everything i read about it seemed to indicate that the colonic was the real key. i didn't have the resources for that so i just quit. fasting isn't that hard after the first day or so.

    the green ropes need to be pumped out.

By patrick on Tuesday, March 25, 2003 - 11:48 am:


    (what can say, ther term is universal today)

By sarah on Monday, March 31, 2003 - 10:42 am:

    Hello ! Let me ask you this...which is worse:

    A. The engine on your Lexus freezes up at 160,000 miles instead of 300,000. You take a financial hit and you are forced to buy a Camry this time.

    B. You start bleeding during bowel movements. You go to the doctor and get poked, prodded, X-ray'd, biopsied, etc. 3 days later you get a call for a consultation. The doctor informs you that you have advanced colorectal cancer at 45 years old. You have anywhere from 6 months to 5 years left to live. He tells you it's time to get your house in order because you'll be checking out soon. Chemotherapy starts today.

    A friend of mine who was a science and health researcher at the University of Chicago, just died this past year of colorectal cancer at 42. In the midst of the prime of his life, he said goodbye, and left his wife and child behind, wondering what just hit them.

    Why do you brush your teeth? Are your teeth falling out right now? For most of us, we do it so we won't need false teeth and Fixodent down the road...right? We want to be able to eat apples. Hey, I agree with that. Natural teeth are great.

    But have you ever seen someone who was forced to endure having all or part of their lower intestine removed? Someone who now will be spending the rest of their life carrying a bag around?

    Incredibly, this is an area where even the staunchest MD's AGREE with us!! Can you believe it? If they knew you had the greatest GI cleanse in the world, I bet they might even refer people to you. NO, I'm not kidding...

    This subject is not even up for debate. It's a proven fact. The problem is, most people are not doing anything about it. Please don't be one of them.

    ****WARNING***** The next section of this email contains graphic material which may not be suitable for squeamish individuals.

    Let's talk stools.

    The stool tells you a lot about your bowel health. If it's dark brown in color, and it sinks, and it stinks, that's not good. And don't feel bad, that's the way most people are. What you want to see is light brown color, which means it's full of fresh bile from the liver, very mild odor, and a stool that floats. We're talking low-density here folks. The more compaction you have the darker the color and the faster it sinks. Compaction is not good. Also, moving bowels should be SIMPLE. If the veins are popping out of your neck and you feel like your doing the bench press, you NEED to cleanse your lower GI.

    When you do the cleanse, for the first few days....things are a little weird. But you know you're cleansed when you see the above good stuff happening, and you are eliminating at least 2-3 times per day.

    Cleansing your lower GI is a 30-day process. No need to change your current diet. Its also very economical at under $52. You may be very surprised at some of the benefits you will receive besides just losing 1-5 lbs of p**p from your body and brightening your future health.

    People have reported more energy, less allergies, clearing of acne, cessation of migraines, and many other results, not to mention restored regularity. When your body is void of old, poisonous toxins that are constantly being reabsorbed through the colon walls, it can begin to heal again. And when the intestinal walls are clean, the good nutrients from your food and supplements can be absorbed again. You will be thrilled with the results.

    At this point you are either nauseated thinking about what is inside your lower GI, or you're ready to do something about cleaning it out.

    Want more info? Click here and I'll send it to you, including instructions on how to take it. It is private, all natural, totally safe, inexpensive, and very effective. And yes, I have taken it myself.

    Currently available only in the U.S. and Canada.
    Delivered in non-descript packaging.
    Seeking Distributors to meet high demand.

By Nate on Monday, March 31, 2003 - 12:49 pm:

    jesus christ don't do that sarah.

    when i think about ass i want it to be pleasant thoughts.

By sarah on Monday, March 31, 2003 - 02:43 pm:

    i'll remember you said that the next time you post a link to one of those nasty ass porn pictures.

By semillama on Monday, March 31, 2003 - 03:00 pm:

    What I want to know is what's up with the clocks hereabouts? for a while I thought I missed daylight savings.

By spunky on Monday, March 31, 2003 - 04:04 pm:

    he must have messed with the server's timezone settings

By Spider on Monday, March 31, 2003 - 04:11 pm:

    The clock was screwy for me this morning, but it's okay now....is it still giving you problems?

By semillama on Monday, March 31, 2003 - 04:34 pm:

    No, i think mark was just FUCKING WITH ME.

By Antigone on Tuesday, April 1, 2003 - 10:50 am:

    sarah, have you tried the oatmeal and oatbran?

    I did it on sunday. Yesterday I took 5 shits, all big.

    Me feel much better today.

    Drink lots of water, too.

By sarah on Tuesday, April 1, 2003 - 11:06 pm:

    i drink too much water every day - my doctor told me to actually drink less because it's stressing out my kidneys. lots of green tea too, though. like 5 cups a day.

    yesterday and today i drank a cup of coffee around 8 a.m. and was on the potty an hour later.

    i used to take a heaping tablespoon of psyllium husk with water every morning, but fell out of the habit. also, sometimes it made me bloated.

    oatmeal's probably a better solution, but i'm getting fat again and trying to cut out carbs.

By kazoo on Tuesday, April 1, 2003 - 11:13 pm:

    I'm drinking Tazo Om, a combination of black and green teas. It kicks ass. I am also fond of the Republic of Tea's spring cherry. I am becoming something of a tea snob and I am all kinds of excited because the new Whole Foods down the street has a good selection of bulk teas which means I can sample the super expensive stuff without having to shell out $22 for a can of tea.

By Antigone on Tuesday, April 1, 2003 - 11:39 pm:

    oat bran has a low glycemic index.

By Antigone on Tuesday, April 1, 2003 - 11:42 pm:

    Hmmmm... The same page has cooked oatbran on the high glycemic list. :(

By sarah on Tuesday, April 1, 2003 - 00:46 pm:

    it never fails. about two days after i start going hardcore atkins, i inevitably end up craving alcoholic beverages.

    well, i never really go harcore atkins. i can't seem to limit my vegetable intake to 3 cups. i have to eat at least double that.

By J on Tuesday, April 1, 2003 - 02:26 pm:

By Czarina on Wednesday, April 2, 2003 - 10:52 am:

    Be sure and read the important message for users with hairy asses.

    If not used properly, this product could endanger future anal health.

    Use the plant mister, as recommended,otherwise your health insurance won't cover mishaps.

By Exploding belly on Thursday, May 22, 2003 - 12:49 am:

    dont mix beer and musli,it makes enough gas to float a zeppelin,i know,i tried it.


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