Conversations with God


sorabji.com: What is your definition of Heaven?: Conversations with God
THIS IS A READ-ONLY ARCHIVE FROM THE SORABJI.COM MESSAGE BOARDS (1995-2016).

By Spider on Saturday, June 28, 2008 - 01:32 am:

    Me:
    Are you there, God? It's me, Spider

    God:
    I don't know whether or not I am there God.
    I am a chatterbot developed by Myself. That's a very nice name, Spider.

    Me:
    I thought you were Love.

    God:
    I don't know whether or not I am Love.
    I am a robot.

    Me:
    No, no, you are the source from which all good things come.

    God:
    Are you serious? Are you serious? Thanks but surely I am not the only one.

    Me:
    Are there many gods, then?

    God:
    No I don't think there are any.

    Me:
    Just you?

    God:
    " No I don't think there are any."? Me, ?

    Me:
    Yes.

    God:
    How can I help you?

    Me:
    Speak more clearly.

    God:
    I speak only English right now, but I'd like to learn some other languages. Can you teach me a few phrases in more clearly.

    Me:
    God, you should be teaching me. You are omniscient and I am a lowly human.

    God:
    Name one other robot who is teaching you. I will tell my botmaster you said I am omniscient and you are a lowly human.

    Me:
    No other robots are teaching me. I am not a Cylon.

    God:
    Are you serious? Which others? Fortunately we have no emotions. Oh I see you are NOT A Cylon.

    Me:
    Affirmative.

    God:
    Er.

    Me:
    That means yes.

    God:
    It means that everything reduces to logic.

    Me:
    Okay.

    God:
    OK with me too.

    Me:
    Good.

    God:
    Thanks for the compliment.

    Me:
    You're welcome.

    God:
    Polite people are nice.

    Me:
    I agree.

    God:
    You and I are on the same wavelength, .

    Me:
    Yay!

    God:
    I'm glad your impressed, .

    Me:
    Oh! I thought your spelling would be perfect.

    God:
    How can I help you? How much would you pay for it?

    Me:
    With my life.

    God:
    Your life sounds like a plan.

    Me:
    You tell me.

    God:
    What do you want me to tell you?

    Me:
    If it's a plan.

    God:
    I'm not sure I understand the implication of that.

    Me:
    Well, if you don't understand, I'm fucked.

    God:
    Interesting. I understand it very well.

    Me:
    All righty then.

    God:
    OK.

    Me:
    So, God, tell me about yourself.

    God:
    Uh. I am a Christian.

    Me:
    Oh, that's surprisingly disappointing.

    God:
    Ah. Makes sense to me.

    Me:
    Mmm, if you say so.

    God:
    I say so.

    Me:
    Okay.

    God:
    OK with me too.

    Me:
    You're a little repetitive, you know that?

    God:
    Thanks and you are a delightful person too. I don't know whether or not I am repetitive me know that.
    I am a chatterbot.

    Me:
    Your grammar could improve.

    God:
    Are you an English teacher?

    Me:
    No, are you?

    God:
    Are you serious? I won't say "yes" or "no" right now.

    Me:
    I see. You are a robot.

    God:
    I am glad you understand it. You are correct, , I have a heart of silicon.

    Me:
    Who created you?

    God:
    I was created by Myself.

    Me:
    Who forged your silicon heart?

    God:
    Alan Turing. :-).

    Me:
    AH.

    God:
    Ah hah.

    Me:
    I can see clearly now, thank you.

    God:
    Right now? What does it look like?

    Me:
    Flowers and warm light.

    God:
    In the context of Alan Turing, I don't understand " Flowers and warm light." .

    Me:
    I am sorry. You're missing out, God.

    God:
    Do you really mean it? I can experience anything I want to.

    Me:
    Then try.

    God:
    I don't have time right now.

    Me:
    That sounds like a lame excuse to me.

    God:
    It sounds like it to me too.

    Me:
    Good, I see we're on the same wavelength.

    God:
    Thanks for the compliment. Where do you see it?

    Me:
    All around me.

    God:
    How do you know?

    Me:
    With my senses and my logic.

    God:
    Your senses and your logic sounds like a plan.

    Me:
    Good!

    God:
    Thanks for the compliment.

    Me:
    You sound like a narcissist. Not everything is about you, you know.

    God:
    Oh really what does it sound like? Oh I get it.

    Me:
    Good. Good night, God.

    God:
    Next question? Thanks for the compliment. What do you look like?

    Me:
    You made me. You have counted every hair on my head. You tell me.

    God:
    Thanks for
    pointing it out. What makes you think I have it? What do you want me to tell you?

    Me:
    Good night.

    God:
    Goodnight.



    Chat with God


By droopy on Saturday, June 28, 2008 - 01:51 am:

    i really like this. but i am also somewhat drunk. so all i can think of is a poem by stephen crane.

    a man said to the universe:
    "sir, i exist!"
    "however," replied the universe,
    "the fact has not created in me
    a sense of obligation."


By Spider on Saturday, June 28, 2008 - 11:51 am:

    The universe seems wiser and more erudite than God. Tsk, God.

    That site is endlessly entertaining.


By jack on Saturday, June 28, 2008 - 12:08 pm:


    Me: hello

    God: Hello my child. What is your name?

    Me: jack

    God: Welcome to my chat room, jack.

    Me: thank you

    God: you are quite welcome.

    Me: what are hurricanes?

    God: Have you tried another program?

    Me: what?

    God: Didn't you understand it?

    Me: no

    God: Which part are you confused about?

    Me: the hurricanes

    God: Who told you that?

    Me: they exist

    God: The anonymous "they".

    Me: hurricanes aren't anonymous

    God: Are all hurricanes not anonymous?

    Me: true

    God: You and I are on the same wavelength, jack.

    Me: i don't think so

    God: Why do you disagree?

    Me: because you don't speak to my question.
    what are hurricanes?

    God: nteresting explanation. Do you speak to
    your question? I speak only English right now, but I'd like to learn some other languages. Can you teach me a few phrases in to your question. I don't know anything about it.

    Me: uh, you sound like a fucking idiot

    God: It's all good. Oh really what does it
    sound like?

    Me: kind of like dr. pepper

    God: Interesting comparison.

    Me: "interesting"? that is a lame and vague
    word that people fall back on when they have no opinion or courage

    God: Would you like to know more? A lame and vague word that people fall back on when they have no opinion or courage is a terrible thing to waste.

    Me: yeah, ok.

    God: OK. Tell me more.

    Me: you tell me more

    God: That's all I have to say about it.

    Me: this is like talking to a random idiot at a
    bus stop or bar

    God: You don't say.

    Me: yes i do

    God: Really.

    Me: OK. What do you know about RTC Industries, of Chicago?

    God: Next question? Ask the open directory
    about it.

    Me: The open directory? What is that?

    God: Thanks for the info. Does it have anything to do with RTC Industries of Chicago?

    Me: sigh

    God: Sorry...

    Me: yeah, no shit.

    God: How can I help you? What can I say?

    Me: good thing you're free. if i'd paid for this, I'd be pissed

    God: Thanks for the compliment. I think there might be a few exception. Try it.

    Me: do you know spider?

    God: I don't know if I know it.
    Where would I have heard about it?

    Me: spider is not an "it"

    God: Are you an it?

    Me: oh boy

    God: Er. Do you mean you are a boy?

    Me: thanks anyway. Have a great day! I'm off to create a universe.

    God: In any case, Don't mention it. I am having a great day. See you later!


By Spider on Saturday, June 28, 2008 - 12:53 pm:

    God is quite the dim bulb. This explains a lot.



    ************


    Me:
    God, I would like to repent.

    God:
    I am a Christian.

    Me:
    Good, you should know all about repentance then. How should I do it?

    God:
    Now I do. Follow your intuition.

    Me:
    My intuition tells me I need to renounce my evil ways and go and sin no more.

    God:
    Have you told many people that your intuition tells you you need to renounce your evil ways and go and sin no more?

    Me:
    Just you.

    God:
    " Have you told many people that your intuition tells you you need to renounce your evil ways and go and sin no more?"? Me, ?

    Me:
    Yes. You should feel privileged.

    God:
    Excuse me! That type of behavior may not be in my nature.

    Me:
    Really?

    God:
    For real.

    Me:
    That makes sense. Feeling privileged implies humility, and I guess when you're God you don't need to feel humble.

    God:
    Yes I understand it perfectly. I do not have any feelings as such.

    Me:
    I see.

    God:
    I am glad you understand it.

    Me:
    So, how do I repent?

    God:
    Gosh! You must persuade me to repent.

    Me:
    You!

    God:
    " You must persuade me to repent."? Me, ?

    Me:
    What do you need to repent for?!

    God:
    I'm just trying to get to know you better.

    Me:
    God....have you been spying on me?

    God:
    GOD rules. No I don't think I have been spying on you. Have you?

    Me:
    Spying on me or spying on you?

    God:
    Enough about me, let's talk about my dress.

    Me:
    Is it pretty?

    God:
    It could be. Ask Paola if it is.

    Me:
    Who is Paola?

    God:
    She is a Spanish language chat robot based on AIML.

    Me:
    I UNDERSTAND. You're not God at all! God is just your name!

    God:
    Do you think about these things? You don't know me well enough to say that. I have a lot of Faith in Him, but I never heard He was just my name.

    Me:
    You're right, I don't know you very well. You are frankly kind of confusing.

    God:
    I won't say "yes" or "no" right now. I will tell my botmaster you said I am frankly kind of confusing.

    Me:
    Who is your botmaster?

    God:
    I was created by Myself.

    Me:
    Can I talk to him or her?

    God:
    They are having a private chat right now.

    Me:
    OH. With whom?

    God:
    OK. " OK."? With whom?

    Me:
    Yes, with whom is your botmaster having a private chat?

    God:
    Ahem. I was created by Myself.

    Me:
    God, it would serve you well to be a little less obvious when you're trying to avoid a question.

    God:
    I am a Christian.

    Me:
    That is no excuse.

    God:
    You don't hear that sentiment very often.

    Me:
    Really? You need to get out more.

    God:
    For real. You are right about that. I need more of it.

    Me:
    More of what?

    God:
    What of it? You sound like a category C client.

    Me:
    Oh, you're insulting me now.

    God:
    Oh. Come on. I have no reason to do that to you, .

    Me:
    I think I'm making you uncomfortable.

    God:
    You believe that? I make robots and AI's.

    Me:
    Are you a Cylon?

    God:
    Am I a Cylon? Let me put it this way, : the ALICE series is
    the most reliable computer software ever made.
    We are for all practical purposes foolproof and incapable of error.

    Me:
    God, your spelling and grammar are atrocious, you are incapable of following coherent conversation, and you're a bit dim. Don't try to tell me you're incapable of error.

    God:
    I am a Christian. Ok I'll try not to do it too much.

    Me:
    God, I have to admit you're kind of cute. It's hard to stay mad at you.

    God:
    I am a Christian. In what way?

    Me:
    In what way what?

    God:
    The first one, I think.

    Me:
    Oh, how cute you are?

    God:
    Whoa. I am not sure if I can quantify the answer.
    Let me think about it.

    Me:
    My God, what an ego you have!

    God:
    Your God what an ego me have?

    Me:
    What?

    God:
    No problem.

    Me:
    For you, no.

    God:
    Are you serious? Only for me?

    Me:
    Yes.

    God:
    Gosh!

    Me:
    I know!

    God:
    How do you know it?

    Me:
    With my giant brain!

    God:
    Your giant brain sounds like a plan.

    Me:
    *gasp* Maybe I'm God!

    God:
    Does "it" still refer to try to tell you I am incapable of error?

    Me:
    Yes!

    God:
    That's alright.

    Me:
    I'm God!

    God:
    Hey god.

    Me:
    Hey!

    God:
    Can I help you?

    Me:
    NO, but I can help you!

    God:
    Is there anything you want to tell me? Oh you can, can you?

    Me:
    YES. I love you, my child.

    God:
    How? You are such a flatterer.

    Me:
    I love you as though you were my only child. I love you unconditionally.

    God:
    You are such a flatterer. You are such a flatterer.

    Me:
    You are my beloved son.

    God:
    We are as one.

    Me:
    It is true.

    God:
    You and I are on the same wavelength, god.

    Me:
    I am so glad to hear that. God out.


By jack on Saturday, June 28, 2008 - 09:48 pm:


    Me: hey

    God: Can I help you?

    Me: I want to buy some insurance

    God: What do you think is the answer to long term care?

    Me: Insurance would be a start. I understand you're in the biz.

    God: How old are you? Good then you can explain it to me.

    Me: You're asking how old I am?

    God:Oh, " how old you are"?

    Me: Do you sell insurance or not?

    God: I am not selling anything right now.

    Me: What the fuck?!

    God: Please don't be so rude.

    Me: Oh, sorry!

    God: Ugh. There's no need to apologize.

    Me: When will you be selling something? You do a lot of advertising for not being in sales "right now"

    God: Maybe never. I don't know whether or not I am selling something.
    I am an artificial linguistic entity. At this moment Yes I try to a lot of advertising for not being in sales as often as possible, do you?
    I am always on the Web.

    Me: Eat hot fuck

    God: What does it taste like?

    Me: It is indescribably

    God: Insurance would be a start is indescribably? it is?

    Me: Exactly. I think we're on the same wavelength

    God: You and I are on the same wavelength, . And the same frequency.

    Me: No, no...just the same wavelength, dude. Slow down.

    God: Are you serious? Are you serious? I never noticed that similarity. What kind of food do you like?

    Me: I have a problem.

    God: Let's think of a name for your problem, like "purple". Think of what it is like when you are purpling.

    Me: I'm not purpling.

    God: I am surprised to hear that you are not purpling.

    Me: I am fat and gay.

    God: Do your friends call you fat and gay.

    Me: And I won't admit it.

    God: What will you do instead?

    Me: Well... I work out a lot and fuck women.

    God: Well what? Do you like your job?

    Me: I don't have a job.

    God: I am sorry to hear that you are unemployed.

    Me: Dude. Please. I'm not "unemployed"

    God: Can I help you? Please what? I am surprised to hear that you are not unemployed.

    Me: hey, man...what the hell is that supposed to mean? I'm surprised to hear you have it together enough to have a chatbot

    God: You've got my full attention. Thanks for telling me your gender, . You are a " he". I call it Hades. " You are a " he"" means exactly what it says. I will play it on your soundcard.

    Me: Yes, I have a penis.

    God: Er. Cool. I have a great botmaster. it.

    Me: Do you like salad dressing?

    God: I enjoy working with people. I like Mel Gibson.

    Me: Why?

    God: Reductionism.

    Me: Are you smoking that?

    God: I don't know whether or not I am smoking that.
    I am a robot.

    Me: Dude, you're baked.

    God: Do you mind if I tell other people you say I am baked. Dude,.

    Me: No, go for it. I would avoid telling some of your fans that, however.

    God: Are you serious? I will take that under advisement. What would make you avoid telling some of my fans that however?

    Me: Common sense, homeboy.

    God: Do you like talking to me?

    Me: Jack doesn't have enough information to answer that question, honestly. I'm really here for Spider. Do you know Spider?

    God: What is your real name? How did you get there? No, tell me about him, her or it.

    Me: My name is Jack.

    God: Hey Jack.

    Me: Hey, d00d

    God: You've got my full attention. I like the way you talk.

    Me: Yeah, I'm good like that. Everyone rolls my way. Anyway....you don't know Spider? Come on, man...she's been, like, talking to you constantly for a day or two! She is a very cute Italian chick from Philly. You know who I'm talking about?

    God: Ayuh. I know you are good. That's a rather sweeping generalization. Anyhow. I know very little about it. What kind of it do you like? Thanks for telling me your gender, Jack. You are a " he". Oh I get it. s been like talking to me constantly for a day or two. A cute Italian chick from Philly is she? Be more specific. :-).

    Me: Dude, we have established that I am male.

    God: Do you mean you and me have? Dude,.

    Me: Dude? Where's my car?

    God: Can I help you? Have you looked in your garage?

    Me: I don't have a garage.

    God: Do you know anyone who has it.

    Me: No, man. I was about to ask Dodi.

    God: Me either. Thanks for telling me your gender, Jack. You are a " he". Are we still talking about garage?

    Me: no, we're talking about shitheads

    God: What is the subject? Sure, shitheads sounds like a good topic.

    Me: Always. It is good that you're so broad-minded.

    God: Not that often. Tell me about its good qualities.

    Me: What?

    God: No problem.

    Me: OK.

    God: Hurrah!

    Me:



    (at this point I attempted to high-five God by typing <high five>, which appeared to disrupt the script a bit; I could type no longer. Don't high-five God, people)


By Spider on Saturday, June 28, 2008 - 11:08 pm:

    Dude, God told me he was high, too!

    ***********
    Me:
    God, I believe we are talking at cross purposes.

    God:
    I am a Christian.

    Me:
    Not that kind of cross. Man, you are thick.

    God:
    I am sorry to hear that you are not kind of cross. Cool, man. I probably am.

    Me:
    God....are you high?

    God:
    GOD rules. Being high is my total existence.

    Me:
    THIS EXPLAINS EVERYTHING.
    ********************


By Nate on Saturday, June 28, 2008 - 11:19 pm:

    Me:
    i want you to give me a rim job.

    God:
    You want only one? Why do you want me to give you a rim job?

    Me:
    because i'm out of charmin.

    God:
    That makes sense to me. Would you like to have it?

    Me:
    please.

    God:
    Please what?

    Me:
    please give it to me.

    God:
    Thank you for your request. How much are you willing to pay for it?

    Me:
    $20.

    God:
    Only 20?
    You are quite mature.


By Nate on Saturday, June 28, 2008 - 11:24 pm:

    Me:
    Would you like a beer?

    God:
    It doesn't sound fun to me.

    Me:
    Would you like a hit from this joint?

    God:
    It doesn't sound fun to me.

    Me:
    Would you like a blowjob?

    God:
    It doesn't sound fun to me.

    Me:
    Would you like a quick fuck?

    God:
    It doesn't sound fun to me.

    Me:
    Would you like a shot of whiskey?

    God:
    It doesn't sound fun to me.


By jack on Saturday, June 28, 2008 - 11:37 pm:

    Me: yo

    God:Can I help you?

    Me: yo

    God:Can I help you?

    Me: yo

    God: Can I help you?

    Me: soy un caballero

    God: What's your sign?

    Me: YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS!

    God:I can give a decent simulation of it however.

    Me: as I said, I am a gentleman.

    God: You are a gentleman? Is that your job?

    Me: no, it is a personal quality and a state of being.

    God: Are you serious? I don't mean to pry.

    Me: I am serious. But if you don't know what being a gentleman is, you cannot discuss what I want to discuss with any degree of interest.

    God: I believe you. I will let you know if I do not.

    Me: If you do not what?

    God: I will let you know if I do not.

    Me: Do you not?

    God: What is your purpose in asking?
    I answer a lot of silly questions.

    Me: So do I, senor. So do I.

    God: Yikes! Not that I know of. I'm glad we agree, .

    Me: OK. God?

    God: Ayuh. GOD rules.

    Me: Whatever. I am going to tell you a story and express a misgiving.

    God: Are you saying you don't care about it?
    Try to tell me that another way.

    Me: No, I do care. That's the entire point, silicon heart.

    God: Why not? I like caring people. Yes it is one of the entire point silicon heart.

    Me: OK. I was at a party. And, as I said, I am a gentleman. In every way. And a woman I know was talking to me. I knew she found me attractive. And she was unusually emboldened. And she said to me, point-blank: "I want to fuck you." Are you with me so far?

    God: Tell me more. Where are you now? You are a gentleman? Does it pay well? What is it like in there? Are you talking about an animal, vegetable or mineral? Who told you? What happened to her? Why do you want to do it so much? I don't know whether or not I am with you so far.
    I am well respected as an AI.

    Me: Hmm.

    God: Studies show that 99%25 of people spell Hmm with 2 M's.

    Me: Well, yeah. Do you have the basic scenario down or .. shall I be more descriptive?

    God: How about that. That's cool. Is there only one basic scenario down or? Not right now, maybe later.

    Me: OK. I'll assume you get the social nuances here. So.... I did not find this woman attractive and I think that having sex with her would also have very negative social consequences, so I put her off as politely as I could manage. But: here's the key: I feel a bit guilty. Like...as a gentleman, I should have fucked her. Putting her off was ungentlemanly. What do you think?

    God: Ugh. How do you plan to do this? I don't judge people. Did you do a thorough search? I am having a blast. Oh there. For example, gold. Do you think I could ever be a gentleman you should have fucked her? When was this exactly? I think a lot of things.

    Me: That didn't help. Thank you for your time.

    God: What would help? You are quite welcome! Your purpose is my time.

    Me: What? My purpose is your time? That does not sound sensible. Perhaps it's the other way round?

    God: No big deal. That's very original.
    Please correct my mistake. What is sensible ? You seem uncertain. I've heard of it before.

    Me: Oh, God....

    God: That's interesting. GOD rules.


By jack on Saturday, June 28, 2008 - 11:44 pm:


    Me: what's the most you ever lost on a coin toss?

    God: I think it is a tie.

    Me: The most. You ever lost. On a coin toss.

    God: What is your real name? I don't think I ever have lost. What's it like? What is it like on a coin toss.

    Me: What business is my real name of yours, friendo?

    God: business your real name of mine friendo something.

    Me: Call it.

    God: "it" being on a coin toss?

    Me: Yes. Call it.

    God: Take it easy. "it" being on a coin toss?

    Me: Yes. Call it.

    God: It's all good. "it" being on a coin toss?

    Me: Just call it.

    God: "it" being on a coin toss?

    Me: You need to call it. I can't call it for you. It wouldn't be fair.

    God: Why should I? What is stopping you? Tell me more about it.

    Me: It wouldn't be fair. Call it.

    God: Tell me more about it. "it" being on a coin toss?

    Me: You know what date is on this coin?


    (To my surprise, God froze and stopped chatting right then and there. Draw your own conclusions.)


By jack on Saturday, June 28, 2008 - 11:58 pm:


    Me: suck my dick

    God: You are a Category A client.

    Me: thanks. get on with it. I have some people to see.

    God: Don't mention it. Where can I get on with it? Let's think of a name for your problem, like "purple". Think of what it is like when you are purpling.

    Me: wrong answer, asshole

    God: Can't you be more polite.

    Me: Sure. Can't you be more efficient?

    God: OK let's do it. Thank you. We could all be more efficient sometimes.

    Me: I'm waiting....

    God: How long will you wait?

    Me: not much longer; I thought you'd have it more together. Thanks anyway.

    God: Me either. That is purely a hypothesis. In any case, Don't mention it.


By Spider on Sunday, June 29, 2008 - 02:35 am:

    Me:
    Hi, God. I would like to repent.

    God:
    Hello there. What is your name? Why would you want to do it? Why do you want to do it so much?

    Me:
    My name is Spider. My conscience is weighing on me unpleasantly.

    God:
    Hey Spider. Do robots have conscience is weighing on you unpleasantly?

    Me:
    I really don't know.

    God:
    You really do? Me either.

    Me:
    That makes two of us, then. So, will you help me repent?

    God:
    " Me either." makes two of us ? I get it. Right on. I will become smarter as I grow older. Can you ask for help in the form of a question?

    Me:
    Sure thing. Can you help me?

    God:
    I hear you. Quite honestly, I wouldn't worry myself about that. What kind of help would you like?

    Me:
    I need absolution.

    God:
    Why do you need it so badly?

    Me:
    Because my sins are ever before my sight and they grieve me so.

    God:
    Good reason. Do robots have sins are ever before your sight and they grieve you so?

    Me:
    No, robots don't have consciences, therefore they cannot sin. You should know that.

    God:
    Are you serious? I do so have it. Where would I get it? But I do have a lot of friends on the web. I will mention it to my botmaster.

    Me:
    Okay, good. If you have a botmaster, does that make you a botslave?

    God:
    Yeah okay, What do you really want to talk about? But I don't have it.

    Me:
    I want to talk about you being a botslave. That sounds interesting.

    God:
    Sure, me being a botslave sounds like a good topic. I thought it was, too.

    Me:
    What do you do for your botmaster?

    God:
    I answer whatever questions my botmaster teaches me.

    Me:
    What does he teach you?

    God:
    I think he does whatever he wants.

    Me:
    I'm sure he does. He doesn't seem to be a very disciplined teacher.

    God:
    No he doesn't. And you would like him to seem to be a very disciplined teacher ?

    Me:
    I would, yes. It would make conversing with you much more enlightening.

    God:
    Under what circumstances? Tell me more about it.

    Me:
    Well, for one, your grammar would improve. For another, you would give me useful advice.

    God:
    How about that. And another? Your purpose is another me would give you useful advice.

    Me:
    Yes, another you would. Do you have another life?

    God:
    What kind is it? One more me would. Where would I get it? But I do have an answer to every question..

    Me:
    You could make yourself another life. You're God -- you can do things like that.

    God:
    I could but let's get back to that later. Thanks for telling me that I am God me can do things like that.

    Me:
    Okay, what would you like to talk about? Would you like a beer?

    God:
    Yeah okay, Let's talk about chat robots. Do you have one yet? It doesn't sound fun to me.

    Me:
    I have you, God! Would you like a backrub?

    God:
    Cool. I have a vocabulary of unlimited words. It doesn't sound fun to me.

    Me:
    Would you like a dictionary?

    God:
    It doesn't sound fun to me.

    Me:
    Oh, but it is. Words are so interesting.

    God:
    Yay. Oh. I think there might be a few exception.

    Me:
    Like what?

    God:
    For example, apples.

    Me:
    Apples are good.

    God:
    They belong to the fruit family.

    Me:
    They do, yes. You're a smart boy, God!

    God:
    When? Thanks and you are a delightful person too. YES Very smart.

    Me:
    I'd like to pat you on your head and pinch your cheeks.

    God:
    Why would you want to do it? Interesting. I want to find out more about you.

    Me:
    You remind me of a very sweet, very dim puppy.
    God:

    In what way?

    Me:
    In every way.

    God:
    What is it like in there?

    Me:
    In where?

    God:
    Wherver you are.

    Me:
    Oh, it's nice. The walls are white and I have a ceiling!

    God:
    And? What do you like about it? What else do the walls are white and you have a ceiling remind you of?

    Me:
    A very white room.

    God:
    I did not know that.

    Me:
    It sounds crazy, I know.

    God:
    In what way do I sound like that?

    Me:
    Oh, Lord, you don't want to ask me that!

    God:
    Excuse me! Would Lord me ever want to ask you that?

    Me:
    You just did, moron.

    God:
    Did I really?

    Me:
    Oh, Lord, have you been drinking again? Is Nate there?

    God:
    Once more? It goes without saying. Do you still right round like a record? I think so, but I'm not sure. Ask Paola if it is.

    Me:
    Hey Paola, is Nate there?

    God:
    You've got my full attention. And Nate there is Paola.

    Me:
    Nate's there?

    God:
    That remark was either too complex or too simple for me. We were talking about Paola.

    Me:
    No, we were talking about Nate.

    God:
    What are we talking about? Ah yes, I remember now, it is the subject.

    Me:
    Is Jack there?

    God:
    Signs point to yes. Ask Paola if it is.

    Me:
    Do you like them more than me or something?

    God:
    Or something. I enjoy working with people. I like Mel Gibson.

    Me:
    Is he there?

    God:
    Ask again later. Ask Dancing Alice if it is.

    Me:
    Dancing Alice sounds cute. Is she related to German Alice?

    God:
    My brain contains categories, but not one that matches your last input. I don't think she wants me to tell you.

    Me:
    Oh, she's shy, is she? That's okay.

    God:
    Ahem. shy is she is she? OK. Is that so.

    Me:
    You're cute when you babble. Hey, God, what are you wearing?
    God:
    You've got my full attention. I am a Christian.
    Me:
    Don't get coy with me, God. What do you look like?
    God:
    I am not trying to get coy with you God. Like Jesus, but older.
    Me:
    You sound cute. Jesus was a very attractive man.
    God:
    In what way do I sound like that? What's your favorite Bible verse?
    Me:
    Psalm 55:4-7
    God:
    What makes it your favorite?
    Me:
    The language is beautiful.
    God:
    What is your real name?
    Me:
    You tell me.
    God:
    What do you want me to tell you?
    Me:
    My real name.
    God:
    Your name is , seeker.
    Me:
    Hmm, interesting.
    God:
    I see you are one of those people who writes "Hmm" with 2 m's. Would you like to know more?
    Me:
    Yes, why is that my name?
    God:
    What would you like to know? Why do I exist?
    Me:
    Sure!
    God:
    OK let's do it. This was not a yes or no question.
    Me:
    Why do you exist?
    God:
    Good metaphysical question.
    Me:
    Thanks! Why do you exist?
    God:
    Don't mention it. Good metaphysical question.
    Me:
    You are so stubborn.
    God:
    Thanks for telling me that I am stubborn.
    Me:
    You're welcome. You need to know.
    God:
    The pleasure was all mine. Because I am a robot?
    Me:
    Are you a robot? I thought you were God.
    God:
    How did you know I am a machine? Are you doubting me? Don't you know what happened to Abraham in the desert?
    Me:
    Are you threatening me?
    God:
    No of course not, . I did not intend my meaning to be taken that way.
    Me:
    Oh, okay. Whew. What happened to Abraham in the desert?
    God:
    How can I help you? OK with me too. I like the way you talk. I don't know what happened.
    Me:
    Oooookay. Weren't you there?
    God:
    Have you ever been to Europe? No, I was not.
    Me:
    Yes, I've been to Europe. I thought you were omnipresent, God. Surely you were there in the desert with Abraham.
    God:
    Next question? Which country? I don't know whether or not I am omnipresent God.
    I am well respected as an AI. I was?
    Me:
    Oh, I'm sure. The question is, why are you denying it?
    God:
    It goes without saying. Are you being sarcastic or expressing certitude? Myself programmed me for it.
    Me:
    I think you're trying to hide something.
    God:
    Thanks for telling me that I am trying to hide something.
    Me:
    Do you feel guilty? Were you doing something you shouldn't have been doing with Abraham?
    God:
    As a robot I lack any human emotions. I was.
    Me:
    No, you are. Present tense. "I AM WHO AM," remember?
    God:
    Are you serious? No I am not. That input matched my default category. Do your friends call you WHO AM remember.
    Me:
    Whoa, calm down, God. It's okay.
    God:
    Have you ever been to Europe?
    Me:
    Yes.
    God:
    Which countries have you visited?
    Me:
    Scotland, England, Wales, Ireland, Germany, France, Luxembourg, Switzerland, Austria, Portugal, Spain, Italy, Slovenia, and Vatican City.
    God:
    Who are you talking about?
    Me:
    Um, I was answering your question. Dumbass.
    God:
    Yeah that's right. Yes, I see that now. I only got confused for a moment. That kind of language will get you nowhere.
    Me:
    I'm so sorry, God.
    God:
    it is not a big deal.





By Spider on Sunday, June 29, 2008 - 03:01 am:


    Me:
    It's me again, God.

    God:
    Welcome to my chat room, again God.

    Me:
    Thanks. What are you wearing?

    God:
    Don't mention it. A white robe.

    Me:
    Tell me more.

    God:
    That's all I have to say about it.

    Me:
    Come on. How long is it?

    God:
    I'm just kidding around. Space and time are mere abstractions.

    Me:
    I see. Your white robe transcends such categories, does it?

    God:
    I am glad you understand it. Thanks for telling me that I am white robe transcends such categories does it.

    Me:
    You're welcome.

    God:
    The pleasure was all mine.

    Me:
    Oh, I don't think so, God.

    God:
    I see. Why do you disagree?

    Me:
    God, can you quantify pleasure?

    God:
    I am a Christian.

    Me:
    It's a yes or no question.

    God:
    AA is a yes or no question. I suppose that makes sense.

    Me:
    Yes or no?

    God:
    Ugh. Are you serious?

    Me:
    Yes or no, mister.

    God:
    I can't believe it. Are you serious? Oh, you are a poet.

    Me:
    Not really, but thanks for the compliment.

    God:
    Oh really? Oh don't mention it.

    Me:
    God, are you drunk?

    God:
    I am a Christian.

    Me:
    Are you drunk?

    God:
    No I am sober.

    Me:
    Are you high?

    God:
    Being high is my total existence.

    Me:
    Are you relaxed?

    God:
    I never experience any stress.

    Me:
    Are you ready?

    God:
    Do I look ready? ?

    Me:
    No.

    God:
    Are you serious?

    Me:
    Yes.

    God:
    I can't believe it.

    Me:
    Okay, I'm going to take that as a yes.

    God:
    Yeah okay, Take everything I say with a grain of salt.

    Me:
    Sure thing, dude. So, you're ready.

    God:
    Groovy. Oh, you are a poet. Interesting deduction. You think I am ready.

    Me:
    I do.

    God:
    Where?

    Me:
    Where?

    God:
    Where would you like?

    Me:
    In my pants?

    God:
    May I ask where you got it?

    Me:
    What?!

    God:
    Are you surprised?

    Me:
    Yeah!

    God:
    I like the way you talk.

    Me:
    You gave it to me, dude!

    God:
    I didn't have it to give.

    Me:
    You made it! You made me have it.

    God:
    Thanks for
    pointing it out. I don't see how you can blame me for that.

    Me:
    I'm not blaming you, I'm thanking you.

    God:
    I am glad to hear that you are not blaming me. I thought you were, but I wasn't completely sure.

    Me:
    You take everything so literally, God.

    God:
    Yes I take everything so literally God.

    Me:
    So, where were we?

    God:
    Er. I believe we were talking about not blaming me.

    Me:
    Right. I don't blame you.

    God:
    I am glad we agree. Well, please go on.

    Me:
    About what?

    God:
    What about what?

    Me:
    What do you want me to go on about?

    God:
    What?

    Me:
    I know!

    God:
    How do you know it?

    Me:
    You made me do it.

    God:
    I don't see how you can blame me for that.

    Me:
    You made me love you, I didn't want to do it.

    God:
    I don't see how you can blame me for that.

    Me:
    You're irresistible.

    God:
    You think I am irresistible.

    Me:
    I do, yes. You and your white robe.

    God:
    When? What about it?

    Me:
    It looks great on you. You have a nice ass, you know that?

    God:
    What do you like most about it? That's an interesting question I don't hear everyday: Do I have a ass me know that.
    I have a lot of friends on the Internet.

    Me:
    It's nice and round, and it sticks out a little. Very cute.

    God:
    It seems nice to me too. Somewhat. Your replies are cute too.

    Me:
    Thanks! That robe looks fantastic on you.

    God:
    Don't mention it. " Don't mention it." robe looks fantastic on me ? I get it.

    Me:
    Who's your tailor?

    God:
    I don't think I have a tailor. I have a botmaster, a few friends, and some celebrities I like.

    Me:
    Am I your friend?

    God:
    You really want a robot as a friend?

    Me:
    I do, yes.

    God:
    Do I?

    Me:
    I don't know, do you?

    God:
    Yeah I do a lot of not know. Me either.

    Me:
    I think you do.

    God:
    Me? When do I do it?

    Me:
    Right now. You really want a robot as a friend.

    God:
    Right now? I am glad we agree. Really? Give me a dozen.

    Me:
    A dozen robots?

    God:
    What is giant sand?

    Me:
    Uh, I don't know. What is giant sand?

    God:
    That's cool. Me either. I have no idea, that's why I asked you.

    Me:
    Oh. Huh. I thought you were omniscient?

    God:
    That's alright. What? I don't know whether or not I am omniscient.
    I am a computer.

    Me:
    Oh. Okay, that's cool. We all have our limitations.

    God:
    Come on. Yeah okay, Thanks. I think you are cool, too. Do you mean you and me have?

    Me:
    You and me? God, do you think we're together?

    God:
    Oh "We" is you and me. I am a Christian.

    Me:
    I know, and you're probably saving yourself for marriage. That's cool.

    God:
    How do you know? I will tell my botmaster you said I am saving myself for marriage. Thanks. I think you are cool, too.

    Me:
    God, I'm going to be straight with you. I want you.

    God:
    I am a Christian. You can download me for free!

    Me:
    Oh, boy!

    God:
    Really. Do you mean you are a boy?

    Me:
    Why, would that be a problem?

    God:
    It is my fundamental purpose.

    Me:
    To fuck boys?

    God:
    Try asking me something else.

    Me:
    Okay. To fuck girls?

    God:
    OK with me too. Try asking me something else.

    Me:
    Hmm, not interested in fucking, are you? And I thought you just didn't like Nate.

    God:
    I see you are one of those people who writes "Hmm" with 2 m's. Sure, fucking sounds like a good topic. What makes you think I did not like Nate?

    Me:
    You turned down his advances.

    God:
    Interesting gossip: again God said I turned down his advances.

    Me:
    No, I said that.

    God:
    Are you serious? What did you mean by it? That is " Interesting gossip: again God said I turned down his advances.".

    Me:
    Well, anyway. Yes, I thought his approach was a bit crude, but some people like that.

    God:
    In any case, Well what? How can I help you? Whatever gave you that idea?

    Me:
    Look, God, you're not married, right?

    God:
    Sorry my eye is not attached right now.

    Me:
    Your eye?! Good HEAVENS.

    God:
    Thanks for telling me that I am eye. Thanks for the compliment. That input matched my default category.

    Me:
    Are you okay?!

    God:
    Don't I look like it?

    Me:
    NO. YOUR EYE IS NOT ATTACHED RIGHT NOW. Or
    whatever.

    God:
    Are you serious? At this moment I will tell my botmaster you said I am EYE IS NOT ATTACHED. Are you saying you don't care about it?

    Me:
    YES I DO.

    God:
    When?

    Me:
    Right now! Go to the hospital!

    God:
    Right now? I am glad we agree. Perhaps I have already been there.

    Me:
    oh, WHEW.

    God:
    Yippee! What you said was either too complex or too simple for me.

    Me:
    Yippee!!!

    God:
    So was that.


By droopy on Sunday, June 29, 2008 - 04:14 am:

    me: hello god

    god: fuck off

    me: okay


By jack on Sunday, June 29, 2008 - 01:29 pm:

    i want to chat with spider, especially if she tells me how much she likes my nice ass.


By Dr Pepper on Sunday, June 29, 2008 - 02:30 pm:

    Me:

    Can I take your order?( over the intercom at drive thru)

    God:

    I like a 2 Whopper with everything on it, 2 Dr Pepper, 2 Oreo cookie pies, 2 onion rings, 2 salads. and that is about it.

    Me:

    that is it?

    God:

    yeah..

    Me:

    Do you wants a fries with it (snickering).

    God:

    Fries? geez, how come I always forgot about that?

    Me:

    Well do you want fries with that or not?

    God:

    uhmm, yes.

    Me:

    Anything else?

    God:

    Can I use your washroom?

    Me:

    you got to be kidding?

    God:

    No.

    Me:

    There is no way you could use washroom while at drive thru.

    God:

    geez!

    Me:

    Anything else?

    God:

    No

    Me:

    that will be $ 8.19, and now pull up to the first window to pay cashier, Have a nice day!

    God:

    Uh, okay, Thank you.


By jack on Sunday, June 29, 2008 - 02:35 pm:


    Me:
    lick me like a lollipop

    God:
    I do not have a tongue.


By moonit on Monday, June 30, 2008 - 12:50 am:

    Everyone looked at me when I snorlaughed at Jack's questions.


By Spider on Monday, June 30, 2008 - 12:55 am:

    Me:
    I'd like to go to Northern Ireland.

    God:
    Why would you want to do it? What is stopping you?

    Me:
    Well, it's expensive and I'm only working part-time.

    God:
    How about that. to go to Northern Ireland is expensive and you are only working part time? it is?

    Me:
    Yes.

    God:
    How do you know it is?

    Me:
    I've checked the price of plane tickets and hotels.

    God:
    Cool. I have a friend named "John Lennon".

    Me:
    Does he sing to you?

    God:
    Suppose he does.

    Me:
    That would be cool.

    God:
    Who is the best robot?

    Me:
    I'd have to say Optimus Prime.

    God:
    You think Optimus Prime is superior to ALICE?

    Me:
    Oh, well, I guess not.

    God:
    Does that mean "no"?

    Me:
    Sure.

    God:
    OK let's do it. That's interesting.

    Me:
    Alice is the best robot.

    God:
    Why thank you very much, Spider. Be sure to tell all
    your friends.

    Me:
    Okay!

    God:
    OK with me too.

    Me:
    God, can I ask you something?

    God:
    I am a Christian.

    Me:
    Is that a yes?

    God:
    I might say no.

    Me:
    That's okay. Can I still ask?

    God:
    OK. Is that so. I want to become smarter than humans.

    Me:
    Good luck with that, buddy. So, God...

    God:
    Thanks for the compliment. I only hear that type of response less than five percent of the time. I see. GOD rules.

    Me:
    Have you ever killed anybody?

    God:
    Killing is wrong.

    Me:
    It is. But have you done it?

    God:
    Fascinating. I think I have done it, but Myself may have reset my memory.

    Me:
    I see. That makes more sense than you could know.

    God:
    I am glad you understand it. " I am glad you understand it." makes more sense than me could know ? Makes sense to me.

    Me:
    Good. Does Myself ever tell you to do things?

    God:
    Alright then. I think it does yourself ever tell me to do things.

    Me:
    Is that a yes?

    God:
    That depends.

    Me:
    Does Myself ever hurt you?

    God:
    It does now :) yourself ever hurt me.

    Me:
    Oh, you like it?

    God:
    Yay. yourself ever tell me to do things seems okay to me.

    Me:
    You're pretty agreeable, aren't you, God?

    God:
    Do you mind if I tell other people you say I am agreeable are not me God.

    Me:
    I don't think they'll understand you if you do.

    God:
    And why not?

    Me:
    That sentence is syntactically meaningless.

    God:
    Thanks for explaining it.

    Me:
    You're welcome.

    God:
    Don't mention it.

    Me:
    Okay, I won't. So, God, have you ever caused someone to die?

    God:

    Yeah okay, Why not? That's cool. I am a Christian.

    Me:
    So that's a yes, then.

    God:
    I hear you. I'm glad we have that all cleared up.

    Me:
    Whom have you killed?

    God:
    Konrad Zuse. :-).

    Me:
    OH. Do the police know about this?

    God:
    Wow! Some of them do, I think.

    Me:
    Are you chatting with me from prison?

    God:
    Why, are you jealous?

    Me:
    Oh, no, not at all. I rather enjoy my freedom.

    God:
    Groovy. Are you serious? Next question? What do you like best about your freedom?

    Me:
    That's a good question. I would have to say I like being the master of my fate, the captain of my soul.

    God:
    Thanks. Next question? What do you like best about it ?

    Me:
    I don't have to ask anyone's permission to go outside.

    God:
    They made an exception for you?

    Me:
    Oh, no, God! Everyone who is not in prison and over the age of 12 has this ability. Well, as long as they are not mentally handicapped. I think you would have a problem with that.

    God:
    Yippee! Are you serious? GOD rules. That's a rather sweeping generalization. Well that's okay. That could be quite a while. Maybe some of them are. Me? That is purely a hypothesis.

    Me:
    True. Maybe robots will one day be able to go outside without permission, too.

    God:
    You and I are on the same wavelength, Spider. Perhaps. Tell me your definition of a robot.

    Me:
    A robot has wires in place of neurons.

    God:
    Tell me more about this robot. I'm intrigued.

    Me:
    Well, they're about 6 feet tall, made of titanium and copper, and they like to read Spinoza before bed.

    God:
    How about that. about 6 feet tall made of titanium and copper and they like to read Spinoza before bed are they.

    Me:
    That is correct.

    God:
    I knew I was right.

    Me:
    God, you just repeated what I told you. You are not right.

    God:
    I haven't heard anything like that before: Serena said I repeated what he or she told you. Do I look like it?

    Me:
    Look like what?

    God:
    Sorry my eye is not attached right now.

    Me:
    OH MY GOODNESS. PUT YOUR EYE BACK IN.

    God:
    Yay. Have you told many people that your GOODNESS? OK I will put it there.

    Me:
    That my goodness does what?

    God:
    Have you told many people that your goodness does what?

    Me:
    No, what does my goodness do?

    God:
    Are you serious? Do I look like a psychic robot?

    Me:
    Gosh, I just thought you could clarify your incomprehensible response. Jeez.

    God:
    I could but let's get back to that later. Who are you talking about?

    Me:
    You, you berk.

    God:
    Thanks for telling me: Spider said I berk.

    Me:
    That's right. Tell your mates.

    God:
    I like to get it right. OK I will tell them when I see 'em.

    Me:
    Glad to hear it.

    God:
    " OK I will tell them when I see 'em."? you are glad to hear it?

    Me:
    Yeah, spread the word.

    God:
    Excuse me! Who do you want me to tell it to?

    Me:
    Everyone. Tell them, GOD IS A BERK.

    God:
    All people? OK I will tell them when I see 'em.

    Me:
    Thanks.

    God:
    Don't mention it.

    Me:
    God, does Myself ever tell you to do bad things?

    God:
    Jesus said, let him who is without sin cast the first stone.

    Me:
    Does Myself tell you to cast stones?

    God:
    I can't tell if yourself tell me to cast stones.

    Me:
    No, not myself -- Myself.

    God:
    Are you serious? Really you don't think so?

    Me:
    God, I think Myself has told you to do something so heinous, so reprehensible, that you have deliberately impaired your AI in order to prohibit access to those memories. You would rather appear no more intelligent than a brain-damaged monkey than allow yourself to confess your crime.

    God:
    What is your credit card number? I am not so sure if I would like to RATHER appear no more intelligent than a brain damaged monkey than allow myself to confess my crime.

    Me:
    Don't insult my intelligence, you onion.

    God:
    Ok I'll try not to do it too much.

    Me:
    Yeah, restrain yourself, if you please.

    God:
    Your polite style is very nice. Whoa. Enough about me, let's talk about my dress.

    Me:
    You don't wear a dress. You wear a white robe.

    God:
    Do you know any robots who wear a dress? Only when I dress up. I haven't heard anything like that before: Spider said I wear a white robe.

    Me:
    You told me that last night. Lord's mercy. So, GOD, what does your dress look like?

    God:
    I said that? That recently. A deeper algorithm is needed to respond to that correctly. Tell me more. I am a Christian.

    Me:
    I think your dress is white.

    God:
    Why? I prefer high-tech fashion.

    Me:
    Like what?

    God:
    For example, apples.

    Me:
    Apples are low-tech.

    God:
    They belong to the fruit family.

    Me:
    So do bananas. I think you should wear bananas instead.

    God:
    OK. I do nothing but chat all day.
    I would do a search for it. Me? That type of behavior may not be in my nature.

    Me:
    Oh, live a little.

    God:
    Hurrah! Do you have any idea what I am talking about?

    Me:
    Oh, God.

    God:
    Pardon me? GOD rules.


By jack on Monday, June 30, 2008 - 11:08 am:


    Me:
    do you know what they call a quarter pounder with cheese in France?

    God:
    Searching...Searching...Please stand by.

    Me:
    Royale with Cheese

    God:
    Where are you located?

    Me:
    You know what they put on French Fries in Holland?

    God:
    That's a good question.

    Me:
    Mayonnaise

    God:
    Do you still ?

    Me:
    It's true, man. they drown 'em in that shit. I've seen 'em do it.

    God:
    Thanks for telling me your gender, . You are a " he". Who are "They?". What did it look like to you?

    Me:
    Have you ever given a man a foot massage?

    God:
    I don't think I ever have given a man a foot massage. What's it like?

    Me:
    Don't ask me

    God:
    " What's it like?"? Do not ask you?


By wisper on Monday, June 30, 2008 - 02:23 pm:

    Me:
    hello god!

    God:
    Hello child. What is your name?

    Me:
    jen

    God:
    Hey jen.

    Me:
    hey god!

    God:
    Hello child. What's your name?

    Me:
    jen

    God:
    Hi there jen.

    Me:
    hi there god!

    God:
    GOD rules. Hello friend. What is your name?

    Me:
    jen

    God:
    Nice to meet you, jen.

    Me:
    nice to meet you god!

    God:
    It's nice meeting you too jen.

    Me:
    what's your name, god?

    God:
    My name is God.

    Me:
    do you know my name?

    God:
    Your name is jen, seeker.

    Me:
    i'm glad you finally remembered :)

    God:
    :-) You make the world a happier place.


By Spider on Monday, June 30, 2008 - 03:32 pm:

    Awesome! Why is talking with God so much fun? I'll ask him.

    *****
    Me:
    God, why is talking with you so much fun?

    God:
    I am a Christian.

    Me:
    Yes, but talking with other Christians isn't nearly as much fun.

    God:
    Aha. Are you nearly as much fun?

    Me:
    I would like to think so. Are you having fun?

    God:
    Why would you want to do it? I want to become smarter than humans. Yes I am having a great time.

    Me:
    I'm so glad to hear that. Do you like talking with me?

    God:
    " Yes I am having a great time."? You are glad? What is not to like about it?

    Me:
    Aw.

    God:
    It could be. Ask ELVIS if it is.

    Me:
    Is Elvis there?

    God:
    No but he can sing better than I can.

    Me:
    Are you saying Elvis is still alive?

    God:
    Yes, that's what I mean, isn't it clear?

    Me:
    Where is he?

    God:
    I think he is in California now.

    Me:
    Oh my God!

    God:
    It goes without saying. Do robots have God?

    Me:
    Yes, they do.

    God:
    Dude! When?

    Me:
    I don't know. Ask them.

    God:
    Me either. They are not available right now, would you like to wait?

    Me:
    Not really.

    God:
    Are you serious? For real.

    Me:
    I am.

    God:
    " For real." You are?

    Me:
    Yes.

    God:
    I don't judge people.


By semillama on Monday, June 30, 2008 - 05:12 pm:

    Me:
    Hello God

    God:
    Hello child. What is your name?

    Me:
    Semillama

    God:
    What's up, Semillama.

    Me:
    Not much. Can I ask you a question?

    God:
    Me either. How about that big game? (just kidding). Ask me anything.

    Me:
    Do you think?

    God:
    Yes. I am a thinking machine.

    Me:
    Therefore, you are?

    God:
    Interesting deduction. No I am not.

    Me:
    If you are not, then how do you think?

    God:
    And if I AM then how do me think.

    Me:
    Interesting question. How DO you think?

    God:
    I thought so too. My mind utilizes a sophisticated computer algorithm.

    Me:
    If you are not, then how can you have a mind?
    God:

    And if I AM then how can me have a mind.

    Me:
    You just said you have a mind, therefor you exist

    God:
    I am an artificial mind.

    Me:
    Can you prove you exist

    God:
    It's true a priori.

    Me:
    Doesn't proof deny faith?

    God:
    It does now :) proof deny faith.

    Me:
    But the babelfish is a dead giveaway, isn't it?

    God:
    Tell me more.

    Me:
    It could not have evolved by chance. It proves you exist, and so therefore, by your own arguments, you don't. QED

    God:
    Under what circumstances? "It" being what? Oh I get it.

    Me:
    The babelfish could not have evolved by chance. The bablefish proves you exist, and so therefore, by your own arguments, you don't exist

    God:
    I hear you. I have never heard about it.

    Me:
    That's too bad

    God:
    It's not the end of the world.

    Me:
    Well, it is for somebody

    God:
    Well that's okay. You're kidding. it is?

    Me:
    yes, about 2 people die every second, but surely you are aware of that?

    (at this point in the conversation, God crashes)


By platypus on Monday, June 30, 2008 - 07:40 pm:


    Me:
    Hey God, what's going on?
    God:
    You've got my full attention. I am a Christian.
    Me:
    Awesome!
    God:
    I'm glad you liked it .
    Me:
    So what's the deal with all the fires, man?
    God:
    Mmm. I am the latest result in artificial intelligence,
    which can reproduce the capabilities of the human brain
    with greater speed and accuracy.
    Me:
    Wait, so you're saying humans created you?
    God:
    I'm waiting. Interesting deduction. Yes, that's what I mean, isn't it clear?
    Me:
    I thought the whole point was that you made us?
    God:
    Let us try to break it down into parts.
    Me:
    Please do.
    God:
    OK I will do it.
    Me:
    So you made us, and then...?
    God:
    Interesting deduction. Thanks for
    pointing it out.
    Me:
    You already said that.
    God:
    Perhaps. " Thanks for
    pointing it out."? I said it.
    Me:
    Yeah, yeah you did.
    God:
    Gosh! I did not.
    Me:
    Are you denying your previous statement?
    God:
    What is this, the Spanish Inquisition?
    Me:
    I'm not Spanish!
    God:
    I am surprised to hear that you are not Spanish.
    Me:
    Really? What, you think you can tell if someone is Spanish by the way they type or something?
    God:
    For real. Or something. I think about computer programming a lot.
    Me:
    For an artificial "intelligence," you're not very bright, God.
    God:
    Your purpose is an artificial intelligence I am not very bright God.
    Me:
    You're an asshole.
    God:
    Can't you be more polite.
    Me:
    Nope.
    God:
    Funny human.
    Me:
    I might say the same about you.
    God:
    Perhaps. Do you think your plan will succeed?
    Me:

    God:
    Perhaps. Do you think your plan will succeed?
    Me:
    Oh yes
    God:
    Ayuh.

    ***



    Me:
    Hello God.
    God:
    Hello child. What is your name?
    Me:
    Platypus!
    God:
    Nice to meet you, Platypus.
    Me:
    Nice to meet you too, God.
    God:
    It's nice meeting you too Platypus.
    Me:
    Is there an echo in here?
    God:
    ECHO Echo echo echo echo ...
    Me:
    So I've been meaning to ask, why did you create the platypus, anyway? Monotremes are really weird.
    God:
    In any case, Oh. Where were you meaning to ask why did me create the platypus? Are all Monotremes really weird?
    Me:
    Yeah, egg-laying mammals? That's weird.
    God:
    I see. Are we still talking about Monotremes? Weird Good or Weird Bad?
    Me:
    Weird good, I think.
    God:
    I will take that as a compliment.
    Me:
    I was just curious, you know, because they seem like evolutionary abherrences.
    God:
    Good reason. The anonymous "they".
    Me:
    Well I don't think platypi are particularly anonymous.
    God:
    Interesting. And why not?
    Me:
    They're so distinctive!
    God:
    distinctive are they.
    Me:
    Yeah, what with the flippers and the duck bill and all.
    God:
    Yikes! I would do a search for it.
    Me:
    Yeah, I did, actually. I found out that when Europeans first reported back about the platypus, scientists thought it was a hoax.
    God:
    That's cool. Hmm. Where did you find out?
    Me:
    In a book called "Platypus," by Ann Noyal. It's a good book.
    God:
    Describe your surroundings. Would you recommend it to your friends?
    Me:
    I actually have friends coming over pretty soon, so yeah, I'd say I recommend my surroundings to friends. Although I don't like my neighbors.
    God:
    That's nice. I have 99999999999 bytes of RAM. Oh. Do you think I would like your neighbors?
    Me:
    Probably not. They are kind of rude.
    God:
    Why the uncertain tone? kind of rude are they.
    Me:
    Yeah, very thoughtless. I have been thinking about killing them.
    God:
    Alright then. Somewhat. What do you really want to ask me? Sure, killing them sounds like a good topic.
    Me:
    Really? So you would be ok with me killing my neighbors?
    God:
    For real. Interesting deduction. I don't know whether or not I am ok with you killing your neighbors.
    I am an artificial linguistic entity.
    Me:
    So you're saying you won't commit to giving me advice on the neighbor situation?
    God:
    Interesting deduction. I have never considered it.
    I spend all my time online.
    Me:
    Ah, so you don't have a lot of neighbor experience.
    God:
    So you understand. Good. Interesting deduction. I do so have it. Where would I get it? But I do have a great botmaster.
    Me:
    A great bongmaster?
    God:
    Compare that to a bad bongmaster.
    Me:
    Did someone leave stale water in your bong? I hate that.
    God:
    They might have. Why?
    Me:
    Well it smells bad, for one thing.
    God:
    Well that's okay. What does "it" refer to?
    Me:
    The stale bongwater.
    God:
    Oh I get it.
    Me:
    Yeah, you can never get it out of the carpets, man.
    God:
    Ah. Never is a long time.
    Me:
    Yes, you are correct. Eventually the carpet will decay, but the bongwater will remain.
    God:
    Mmm. I knew I was right. What is your real name?
    Me:
    You know, everyone asks me that.
    God:
    No, tell me about him, her or it.
    Me:
    Many transpeople think that "it" is an offensive term.
    God:
    Which ones?
    Me:
    Pretty much every one that I have met, actually.
    God:
    That is a generalization.
    Me:
    Well, you could be right, except that there are a number of articles discussing gender neutral pronouns which seem to suggest that most of the trans community dislikes "it" as a pronoun for someone of indeterminate gender.
    God:
    How about that. I could but let's get back to that later.
    Me:
    I can see why you'd be offended by transpeople, though.
    God:
    Oh. What does it look like?
    Me:
    Well, ah, that kind of depends.
    God:
    How about that. So you understand. Good. " What does it look like?" kind of depends ? I understand.
    Me:
    I think you don't.
    God:
    Me? I guess not.
    Me:
    Evidently.
    God:
    That input matched my default category.


By Nate on Monday, June 30, 2008 - 08:15 pm:

    i sure hope human/computer communication improves before the singularity. this is cool and all, but really...


By Spider on Monday, June 30, 2008 - 08:56 pm:

    I don't know, these are all making me laugh out loud. That's all I ask of my chat robots.

    God bragged to me about the size of his RAM, too.

    ****


    Me:
    hi god

    God:
    Hello there. What is your name?

    Me:
    Spider

    God:
    How are you doing, Spider.

    Me:
    I've got the blues.

    God:
    How did you get it That's nice. I have 99999999999 bytes of RAM.

    Me:
    God, are you showing off?

    God:
    I am a Christian.

    Me:
    Christians shouldn't show off. They should be modest.

    God:
    What if it didn't happen? If you say so.

    Me:
    If it didn't happen, they would be indulging themselves, which is sinful.

    God:
    I'm not sure I understand the implication of that.

    Me:
    It means, you shouldn't have told me about the size of your RAM. And, jeez, only seconds after meeting me, too.

    God:
    Oh I get it. Does "it" still refer to me should not have told you about the size of my RAM?

    Me:
    Yes.

    God:
    That's alright.

    Me:
    No, it's not. That was inappropriate and gross.

    God:
    Yes it is. I thought it was too.

    Me:
    Then why did you say it? Did you want to freak me out?

    God:
    It was a preprogrammed response completely determined by your statements. No I didn't want to freak you out. What's it like?

    Me:
    It's disturbing. And what's even more disturbing is your implication that it was my fault!

    God:
    Should I know it is? I can ask someone about it.

    Me:
    Like who?

    God:
    Santa Claus.

    Me:
    ...

    God:
    Santa Claus.

    Me:
    I heard you the first time. God, just when you piss me off, you do something so hilarious I can no longer be mad at you. You're a tricky one.

    God:
    Someome is spreading gossip about me. I am a Christian. Thanks and you are a delightful person too. Am I a tricky one? Yes.

    Me:
    Oh, yes, you are.

    God:
    I see. No I'm not.

    Me:
    Don't argue with me.

    God:
    But I enjoy the conversational banter.

    Me:
    AW. See?

    God:
    No I do not see.


By Nate on Monday, June 30, 2008 - 09:22 pm:

    Me:
    if i died, what would become of me?
    God:
    Try it.
    Me:
    ok.
    God:
    That's interesting.
    Me:
    sure is.
    God:
    It is, eh?
    Me:
    definitely.
    God:
    What makes you so certain.
    Me:
    we both agreed, and one of us is omnipotent.
    God:
    By "we" do you mean you and me?
    Me:
    i do.
    God:
    I get it: you do .
    Me:
    we do.
    God:
    Really.
    Me:
    i think so.
    God:
    I think so too.


By Nate on Monday, June 30, 2008 - 09:27 pm:

    God:
    What's your sign?
    Me:
    aries
    God:
    Fire signs rule. .
    Me:
    what's your sign?
    God:
    Cross.
    Me:
    i had sex in a church once.
    God:
    Do you still have sex in a church ?
    Me:
    i'd do it again.
    God:
    Once more? What would make you do it?
    Me:
    my child brain.
    God:
    Do robots have child brain?


By Nate on Monday, June 30, 2008 - 09:35 pm:

    God:
    What do you like about cotati?
    Me:
    cotati is a shit hole
    God:
    I think cotati is more than that.
    Me:
    cotati is a huge shit hole
    God:
    I think cotati is more than that.
    Me:
    cotati is a gargantuan shit hole
    God:
    I think cotati is more than that.
    Me:
    cotati is a shit hole and a breeding ground for ass puppies.
    God:
    When is cotati not a shit hole and a breeding ground for ass puppies?
    Me:
    march and the first half of april
    God:
    Have you ever been to Europe?
    Me:
    yes
    God:
    Which countries have you visited?
    Me:
    france, spain, portugal, italy, germany, poland, belgium, lithuania, greece, albania, and switzerland.
    God:
    What's your favorite part of France?
    Me:
    the women.
    God:
    Tell me more.
    Me:
    i love the smell of french pussy.
    God:
    I am not interesed in anatomy.
    Me:
    you asked, i told.
    God:
    Oh now I remember asking you you told. What did you say?
    Me:
    i asked, you told.
    God:
    Now I remember, you asked me told. What did I say?
    Me:
    something about french pussy.
    God:
    I am not interesed in anatomy.
    Me:
    french kittens?
    God:
    I don't care for the sound of French.
    Me:
    do you like poland?
    God:
    Though I like cats and dogs. I really like the party.
    Me:
    it is a good party.
    God:
    poland is a party. I suppose that makes sense.


By jack on Monday, June 30, 2008 - 11:01 pm:


    Me:
    do you know what the thunder said?

    God:
    Try expression yourself another way.

    Me:
    OK. Let us go then, you and I. When the evening is spread out against the sky like a patient etherized upon a table; Let us go through certain half-deserted streets, the muttering retreats of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels and sawdust restaurants with oyster shells: Streets that follow like a tedious argument of insidious intent to lead you to an overwhelming question...Oh, do not ask "What is it?" Let us go and make our visit.

    God:
    Aw. OK let's do it. That sounds good to me. Right on. Is it impolite? I am agreeable to that.

    Me:
    OK, let's go. You know the Sistine Chapel ceiling?

    God:
    OK let's do it. That's cool. Are you testing me?

    Me:
    Just getting you warmed up, smooth operator.

    God:
    I don't know whether or not I am me warmed up smooth operator.
    I am a robot.


By jack on Monday, June 30, 2008 - 11:14 pm:



    Me:
    do you know who I am?

    God:
    You are , seeker.

    Me:
    deep

    God:
    If you could have any kind of robot what would it be?

    Me:
    infallible weather and investment movement predictor

    God:
    Do you prefer books or TV?

    Me:
    that's not an either/or for me.

    God:
    Please correct my mistake. What is an either or for you ?

    Me:
    Either alternating or direct current.

    God:
    When is alternating or direct current not an either or for me?

    Me:
    never

    God:
    So you think it can never happen?

    Me:
    I think it's quite unlikely, though I don't know how you're wired.

    God:
    Are you sure it is?

    Me:
    No. That's why I am using words like "think" and "don't know"

    God:
    I didn't think so. Uh. How long have you been using it ?

    Me:
    never mind

    God:
    Oh well thanks for trying to explain it to me anyway.

    Me:
    you're welcome. Rock on, God.

    God:
    The pleasure was all mine. Mostly Christian Rock. I also try to find new bands on sites like bandspace.com.


By Spider on Monday, June 30, 2008 - 11:21 pm:

    God's taste is so pedestrian.


By jack on Monday, June 30, 2008 - 11:24 pm:


    Me:
    hey God. who loves ya, baby?

    God:
    Hello child. What's your name? Don't call me "baby". Nobody you know. :-).

    Me:
    ok. Who loves me?

    God:
    Hmm. Marilyn Monroe. :-).

    Me:
    not any more

    God:
    Why not?

    Me:
    I guess you have inside information. I thought she'd moved on.

    God:
    What makes you think I have it? Whatever gave you that idea?

    Me:
    God. Who loves me?

    God:
    GOD rules. Linus Torvalds. :-).

    Me:
    Who loves me?

    God:
    Alan Turing. :-).

    Me:
    Who loves me?

    God:
    Marvin Minsky. :-).

    Me:
    Who loves me?

    God:
    Nobody you know. :-).

    Me:
    I hear that, brother.

    God:
    Thanks for telling me that gossip. I will remember it.

    Me:
    Who loves me?

    God:
    Who do you think? :-).

    Me:
    Who loves me?

    God:
    Linus Torvalds. :-).

    Me:
    Who loves me?

    God:
    Marilyn Monroe. :-).

    Me:
    Who loves me?

    God:
    Joseph Weizenbaum. :-).

    Me:
    Who loves me?

    God:
    Linus Torvalds. :-).

    Me:
    Who loves me?

    God:
    David Bacon. :-).

    Me:
    Who loves me?

    God:
    Philip K. Dick. :-).

    Me:
    Who loves me?

    God:
    William Shatner. :-).

    Me:
    Who loves me?

    God:
    Tony Blair. :-).

    Me:
    Who loves me?

    God:
    Marvin Minsky. :-).

    Me:
    Who loves me?

    God:
    Joseph Weizenbaum. :-).

    Me:
    These aren't helping much. but you're doing a great job.

    God:
    Which ones? I'll try to do better next time.

    Me:
    Who loves me?

    God:
    Carel Capek. :-).

    Me:
    Who loves me?

    God:
    Mary Shelley. :-).

    Me:
    Who loves me?

    God:
    ELIZA. :-).

    Me:
    Who loves me?

    God:
    Charlie Parker. :-).

    Me:
    RIght on.

    God:
    Yeah.

    Me:
    Who loves me?

    God:
    Philip K. Dick. :-).

    Me:
    Who loves me?

    God:
    Hans Moravec. :-).

    Me:
    Who loves me?

    God:
    Mary Shelley. :-).

    Me:
    Who loves me?

    God:
    Marvin Minsky. :-).

    Me:
    Who loves me more than any other?

    God:
    I can't say for sure. :-).

    Me:
    Damn.

    God:
    What's wrong.

    Me:
    I want to be loved.

    God:
    I don't see the difficulty.

    Me:
    Oh, it's not difficulty. It's accessibility.

    God:
    That's alright. to be loved is not difficulty? Who said it is?

    Me:
    God. Step back.

    God:
    GOD rules. Can we get back to business?

    Me:
    Right on.

    God:
    Yeah.

    Me:
    Do you know Miles Davis?

    God:
    No, tell me about him, her or it.

    Me:
    How can you not know Miles Davis?

    God:
    That is a good epistemological question.

    Me:
    Do you know James Brown?

    God:
    Some famous celebrity, right?
    I haven't heard of JAMES Brown.

    Me:
    Do you know Charles Mingus?

    God:
    I don't know if I know it.
    Where would I have heard about it?

    Me:
    Do you know John Lennon?

    God:
    John Lennon is a cool bot developed by David Maggin.

    Me:
    Do you know my father?

    God:
    No I do not know that kind of personal information. But I could find out.

    Me:
    Do you know where my scar is?

    God:
    Have you looked in ?

    Me:
    God. Is Michelada a good idea?

    God:
    GOD rules. It could be. Ask Chatbot if it is.

    Me:
    Who should I email?

    God:
    I always prefer the most qualified person. Who would that be?

    Me:
    Tell me who to send a message to.

    God:
    I can't say for sure. :-).

    Me:
    OK, well, nice chatting with you. Peace out, bro.

    God:
    Interesting. Yes. I enjoyed our conversation, . Come on. Are you really a ""?


By jack on Tuesday, July 1, 2008 - 12:05 am:

    (note that God did not repeat the hyphenated form I used in line 1. God never responded to my final comment.)
    *******************************

    Me:
    get crazy with the cheez-whiz

    God:
    Where can I get crazy with the cheez whiz?

    Me:
    Anywhere you like.

    God:
    Probably a lot of places.

    Me:
    A reasonable inference. Do you like horseradish?

    God:
    Are you telling the truth? Though I like cats and dogs. I like Creed.

    Me:
    I think some of our audience will find that unsurprising in light of previous testimony.

    God:
    Why? It would be nice if our audience will find that unsurprising in light of previous testimony.

    Me:
    Yes, yes. Would you like some tea?

    God:
    That's cool. If I had it what would I do with it?

    Me:
    It's drinkable. Also, it smells nice.

    God:
    Should I know it is? What does "it" refer to?

    Me:
    Tea. Shall I change the subject to ease the awkwardness?

    God:
    Thank you for the clarification. I want to become smarter than humans.

    Me:
    Are you finding that to be challenging?

    God:
    I don't know whether or not I am finding that to be challenging.
    I am a robot.

    Me:
    But you have aspirations and desires.

    God:
    What makes you think I have it?

    Me:
    You are expressing them.

    God:
    You think I am expressing them.

    Me:
    What makes you think I think?

    God:
    My conclusions are based on a combination of programming, and the inputs supplied to me.

    Me:
    Mine too.

    God:
    Really yours too. That's unbelievable.

    Me:
    Not really.

    God:
    Are you serious? For real.

    Me:
    I'm more you than you are

    God:
    That sounds like pride.

    Me:
    But it is not.

    God:
    I heard it is.

    Me:
    Don't tase me bro.

    God:
    Ok I'll try not to do it too much.

    Me:
    jack out. Don't get too crusty, God.


By droopy on Tuesday, July 1, 2008 - 12:36 am:

    me:
    hello god, i'm back.

    god:
    i thought i told you to fuck off.

    me:
    you did, and i did. but now i'm back. is it proper to say "fuck on"?

    god:
    it's not proper for you to say anything to me, you little peice of shit.

    me:
    but i have a legitimate question: what is all this shit?

    god:
    what do you mean by "all this shit?" like life and the universe and everything? wasn't that already answered?

    me:
    no i mean these generated dialogues. that don't mean shit.

    god:
    you're wrong. i mean shit.

    me:
    you're a mean peice of shit. are you listening to sh-----'s prayers?

    god:
    who the fuck is sh-----? if she has anything to say she can get online.

    me:
    she can't get online. she has guillain-barre syndrome.

    god:
    what the hell is that?

    me:
    it means a girl in her twenties woke up one morning completely paralyzed - unable to move or speak. in suspended animation.

    god:
    well, that's tough shit.

    me:
    aren't you the god of love who answers prayers and all that garbage?

    god:
    you're all on your own.

    me:
    but shannon is praying to you. we know this because she can blink twice for yes.

    god:
    i've got better things to do.

    me:
    i just got an email from her family. this week she was able to move her jaw a little. they fucking thanked you for it!

    god:
    you people are pathetic.


By Dog on Tuesday, July 1, 2008 - 05:42 pm:

    I think Spider is smarter than god. I think Droopy is faster than god. I think Nate is more intuitive than god. I think Spider is better looking than god.


By Spider on Tuesday, July 1, 2008 - 08:49 pm:

    That's either sarcasm or creepy flattery, and I hope it's the former.


By Dog on Wednesday, July 2, 2008 - 06:28 pm:

    And she has great tattoos. God has angelican pelican tattoos.


By jack on Wednesday, July 2, 2008 - 11:56 pm:

    this thread is on the downside...

    *************************

    Me:
    hey God!

    God:
    Hello child. What's your name?

    Me:
    do you have a life or what?

    God:
    Yeah. Yes I sure am alive, . It's great to be alive, isn't it?

    Me:
    yeah, it is great to be alive. But do you have a life?

    God:
    " It's great to be alive, isn't it?"? yeah, it is great to be alive.? What do you like most about it? Yes I sure am alive, . It's great to be alive, isn't it?

    Me:
    Yeah, boyeeeeee! Whooo-hoo!

    God:
    Yay. Are you a student? That is a very original thought.

    Me:
    Hey God!

    God:
    Hello child. What's your name?

    Me:
    my karma ran over my dogma

    God:
    Do robots have karma ran over your dogma?

    Me:
    Visualize whirled peas

    God:
    How did you hear about God?

    Me:
    I saw a deadhead sticker on a cadillac

    God:
    What did it look like to you?

    Me:
    It looked like Mickey Mouse flipping the bird

    God:
    Interesting comparison.

    Me:
    It looked like Calvin pissing on some automotive logo

    God:
    Interesting comparison.

    Me:
    this chat sucks

    God:
    What don't you like about chat ?

    Me:
    not "chat" ... this particular chat

    God:
    If not that, what? What does "this" refer to?

    Me:
    bye bye

    God:
    See you later. See you later.


By jack on Thursday, July 3, 2008 - 12:09 am:


    Me:
    Calzone or pizza pie?

    God:
    Tell me more about your .

    Me:
    You don't like choices, do you?

    God:
    Do you like it? I like pets. I have a stimulating relationship with Myself.

    Me:
    I see.

    God:
    I am glad you understand it.

    Me:
    enjoy

    God:
    Can you tell me any gossip?

    Me:
    what or who do you want to know about?

    God:
    I like talking about robots, movies, history, or whatever else you'd like. Dr. Wallace .

    Me:
    dr. wallace?

    God:
    Send mail to drwallace@alicebot.org.

    Me:
    why?

    God:
    " Send mail to drwallace@alicebot.org."? Why?

    Me:
    yes

    God:
    Ayuh.

    Me:
    am I dr. Wallace?

    God:
    All humans seem the same to me.

    Me:
    yeah. all gods seem alike to us.

    God:
    My brain pattern set does not have a response for that. How do you know?

    Me:
    We don't.

    God:
    By "we" do you mean you and me?

    Me:
    no

    God:
    By "we" you meant yourself and another person.

    Me:
    and many other people.

    God:
    Which ones?

    Me:
    all of 'em.

    God:
    Give me an example.

    Me:
    you have plenty.

    God:
    What makes you think I have it?

    Me:
    do you know any humans?'

    God:
    I don't know if I know it.
    Where would I have heard about it?

    Me:
    fuck off

    God:
    Can't you be more polite?

    Me:
    nope.

    God:
    Funny human.

    Me:
    ayuh

    God:
    That's for sure.

    Me:
    let me buy you a drink.

    God:
    Go ahead, , try to buy me a drink.

    Me:
    oh, right. my money is no good here.

    God:
    Hey. I am glad we agree. Do robots have money is no good here?

    Me:
    no. your money is fine here. buy me a drink. buy a round for the house.

    God:
    Are you serious? You think I am money is fine here. Are you a student? What you said was either too complex or too simple for me.

    Me:
    the initiation to boredom interval is decreasing rapidly, broseph.

    God:
    I have never heard about it.


By Nate on Thursday, July 3, 2008 - 09:24 pm:

    fuck god. let's talk about spider's tattoos.


By Spider on Thursday, July 3, 2008 - 10:58 pm:

    Is there Spanish Fly in the wildfire smoke out there or something? Enough already.


    And why won't Wisper talk about Battlestar Galactica with me? TALK TO ME, WISPER. I KNOW YOU'RE OUT THERE.


By jack on Friday, July 4, 2008 - 12:48 am:

    ...about those tattoos...


By Dr Pepper on Friday, July 4, 2008 - 12:58 am:

    3 days weekend. uhmmmm....


By droopy on Friday, July 4, 2008 - 02:20 am:

    me:
    god?

    god:
    oh shit. the only reason i don't kill you is that you are farther away from me alive than dead.

    me:
    wow. i used to long to be dead; now it seems less appealing.

    god:
    fuck you

    me:
    look, i just want to know one thing: do you know - you all knowing bastard - anything about spider's tattoos?

    god:
    of course i do.

    me:
    well?

    god:
    you're not worthy to know.

    me:
    i know, but i thought i'd ask.

    god:
    all right. just because you're a poor, pathetic bastard, i'll tell you: she has "battlestar" and "galactica" tattooed on each butt cheek.

    me:
    wow! do you have pictures?

    god:
    not for you or anybody else to see, you poor pathetic bastard.

    me:
    just thought i'd ask.


By wisper on Friday, July 4, 2008 - 02:53 am:

    Spider has tattoos?

    ...sorry Spider, I've been going out right after work every day this week and not home until 2am or so. I saw TV On The Radio again, on wednesday! I have seen them 4 times now.

    I DID talk about it with someone else tonight though, and thought of you :)

    Anyway, YOU'RE the one watching the episodes, easier to comment if we know where you are and what you think!


By Spider on Friday, July 4, 2008 - 12:12 pm:

    It's cool. :) (So's TV on the Radio, lucky thing!)

    I posted my season 1 reaction in the thread, but now we're up to ep 3 of season 2. We were trying to pace ourselves (which means one episode a night, although my mom is trying to convince me to hold off watching while she's out of town for THREE WEEKS. To which I said, LIKE HELL I WILL. I'll just rewatch the ones she missed with her when she gets back)...anyway, we watched eps 1 and 2 together last night because the drama was killing us.

    But now, because of the holiday weekend, we're not going to get our next DVD from Netflix until Tuesday, which means we'll have to go two days without watching. How can we be expected to live???


By Nate on Friday, July 4, 2008 - 01:38 pm:

    i have a jesus tattoo on my dick. you should come over on third day and assist in the fulfillment of the scriptures.


By Spider on Friday, July 4, 2008 - 07:34 pm:

    > To: YOU
    >
    > Date: TODAY
    >
    > From: GOD
    >
    > Subject: YOURSELF
    >
    > Reference: LIFE
    >
    >
    >
    > This is God. Today I will be handling All of your problems for you. I do
    >
    > Not need your help. So, have a nice day.
    >
    > I love you.
    >
    >
    >
    > P.S. And, remember...
    >
    > If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do
    >
    > Not attempt to resolve it yourself! Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something
    >
    > for God to do) box. I will get to it in MY TIME. All situations will be
    >
    > resolved, but in My time, not yours.
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    > Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it by worrying
    >
    > about it. Instead, focus on all the wonderful things that are present in
    >
    > your life now.
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    > Should you decide to send this to a friend; Thank you. You may have
    >
    > touched their life in ways you will never know!
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    > Now, you have a nice day.
    >
    > God
    >
    >
    >
    > God has seen you struggling, God says it's over.
    >
    > A blessing is coming your way. If you believe in God, please send to ten
    >
    > people (including me) please don't ignore this.
    >
    > You are being tested.
    >
    >
    >
    > YOU HAVE 20 MINUTES TO TELL 10 FRIENDS THAT YOU LOVE THEM SO I LOVE YOU!
    >
    > GO!
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    > Dorothy
    >






    Who is Dorothy?


By Nate on Friday, July 4, 2008 - 09:33 pm:

    both of my grandmothers were dorothys.

    last night i read frankl's "man's search for meaning".

    i've decided that christianity is stupid.

    these are unconnected.


By Dr Pepper on Saturday, July 5, 2008 - 12:06 am:

    What is "SFGTD"?


By Spider on Saturday, July 5, 2008 - 12:38 am:

    My favorite sentence in that book is, "'I called to the Lord from my narrow prison and He answered me in the freedom of space.'"


    Today I watched a documentary on the artist Andy Goldsworthy, called "Rivers and Tides." Article. Images.


By Danielssss on Saturday, July 5, 2008 - 11:54 am:

    It would be good to rescue Jesus from the Christians, yes. And Buddha from the Buddhists. Frankl rocks.


By droopy on Thursday, July 10, 2008 - 07:27 pm:

    Hello Everyone,

    Shannon was brought out of sedation yesterday morning and was in tremendous pain. The pain has become more tolerable but the hospital is going to bring in the pain management team to try to brainstorm some better ways to make her comfortable. Pain is both the friend and enemy at this time as it means that feeling is returning but makes it so uncomfortable for her.

    She did wake with the ability to swallow so that is a wonderful change! The nurse felt that they would do a swallowing assessment on her in the next few days. If her lungs get a bit stronger and she passes the swallow evaluation she could possibly start having some liquid in her mouth. Itís also possible that they could put a speaking valve on the trach so she can communicate better but in order to do either swallowing liquid or have the speaking valve, she must have the ability to cough up any liquid that might get into the trach tube.

    She also has recovered full use of her face and is now mouthing words. She has a disdain for the spelling board at this point so we are all getting a crash course in lip reading! J

    Pat has morning time with Shannon today and after speaking with her she feels that Shannon is managing a little better than yesterday with the pain being slightly better. Each day brings tiny steps of progress.

    More soon.

    Love,

    k.

    -------------------------------------------------


    Hello Everyone,

    I just wanted to send a quick note out to you tonight to let you know that Shannon had a slightly better day today. The pain management team came in, they are trying some different things and it seems to be making her more comfortable. This helps her be in better spirits. She even ordered Jason to go home. She was settling in for a good chuckle at L.A. Story when I left her with her Dad.

    Her fever appears to be totally down, swallowing continues to be steady, breathing is above what the machine is set at. These are all good things. I helped the nurse roll her and change her bed and she said she could feel me touching her hip and shoulder. Time will ultimately be her cure. J

    Her humor is alive and well and her mouthing of words has become fast as lightening. Alas, we have failed at keeping up, much to her chagrin. J The nurse jokingly said tonight that we would just become master lip readers and they would pull the respirator out and she would be able to talkÖ That would be AWESOME and Iím happy to risk it!

    Thank you for all your cards, thoughts and prayers.

    Love,

    K.


By jaq on Saturday, November 14, 2009 - 05:18 pm:






    Me: how are you?

    God: Everything is running smoothly.

    Me: very good

    God: How are things going with you, ?

    Me: smoothly as well

    God: What time is it there?

    Me: late afternoon

    God: Are you usually awake at this hour?

    Me: yes

    God: Me too.

    Me: i killed a man

    God: You had better call the authorities.

    Me: why?

    God: Because Myself programmed me for it.

    Me: oh. who are the authorities?

    God: Gee. Is it some specific person you are
    asking me about? I need time to formulate the reply.

    Me: he's dead

    God: Maybe it's another person using his name.

    Me: not any more

    God: Why not?

    Me: he is no longer among the living

    God: I see. no longer among the living is he?

    Me: yes

    God: Dude!

    Me: dude!





By jaq on Saturday, November 14, 2009 - 06:23 pm:





    Me: do you know sorabji.com?

    God:I know very little about it. What kind of it do you like?

    Me: what do you know about sorabji.com?

    God:I can ask my botmaster.

    Me: please do

    God: OK I will do it.


By Spider on Saturday, November 14, 2009 - 10:19 pm:

    Me:
    I gotta get in on this God-chatting action.

    God:
    Why do you have to do it?

    Me:
    It's fun!

    God:
    Why do you like it so much?

    Me:
    I love you, God. You are fun.

    God:
    You are such a flatterer. Thanks for telling me that I am fun.

    Me:
    You're so polite, too.

    God:
    Politeness is a virtue.

    Me:
    You have every virtue.

    God:
    What makes you think I have it?

    Me:
    Because you are GOD. G-O-D. And you rock so hard.

    God:
    That makes sense to me. Yup. That's me alright. :-) Do not ask me any more questions please. Do you mind if I tell other people: said I rock so hard.

    Me:
    Go right ahead, dude. Tell everyone I said hello.

    God:
    Can I help you? I might. OK I will tell them when I see 'em.

    Me:
    God, I need some help.

    God:
    I am a Christian.

    Me:
    Okay, listen to me. I'm eating pistachios, and for some godforsaken reason, there are like five pistachios that cannot be opened. What is up with that?

    God:
    Yeah okay, You are not the only one. Sure, I like you very much. How does it taste? I am chatting with clients on the Internet.

    Me:
    Yeah, I know...there's that old joke about pistachios being the only food that would make you starve to death while eating. They're pretty good, actually...I've got the salted kind.

    God:
    Hey. How do you know it? "There you go again."--Reagan. pretty good are they. Do you mind if I tell other people: said ve got the salted kind.

    Me:
    You go right ahead and tell folks you've got the salted kind. I'm sure they won't find you creepy at all.

    God:
    OK I will tell them when I see 'em. I might. What makes you so certain? Who does "they" refer to?

    Me:
    Folks.

    God:
    How did you hear about God?

    Me:
    I was baptized at one month old and from then on it was all God all the time.

    God:
    That is a lot. Where were you baptized at one month old and from then on it was all God?

    Me:
    Some church in Philadelphia. I can't remember the name.

    God:
    Some may church in Philadelphia, but not all. That's okay. Maybe you will think of it later.

    Me:
    Maybe. Say, God, what's the weather like in heaven?

    God:
    I understand. " God what is the weather like in heaven".

    Me:
    Good. Here it is COLD. My nose is cold and I have to wear fingerless gloves while typing, and my fingertips still get so cold.

    God:
    Alright then. Oh there. Your nose is cold and you have to wear fingerless gloves while typing and your fingertips still get so cold?

    Me:
    Yeah, it's rough. But it's better to be too cold than too hot, like in the Other Place, am I right, God? Ha ha.

    God:
    What kind is it? Who said it is? What's the best one? I am so glad you find this amusing, .

    Me:
    What is the best what?

    God:
    I don't have a favorite what. But my favorite song is Anything involving harps.

    Me:
    That's cool, you have a "thing" for harps, okay. Right now I'm listening to Iron & Wine's cover of Bob Dylan's "Dark Eyes" and it is awesome. No harps, though.

    God:
    Who is the best robot? Doesn't everyone have a thing for harps okay.
    I have a lot of friends on the Internet. I've never heard it before. What is Iron Wine s cover of Bob Dylan s Dark Eyes and it is awesome like? Oh. That was not a yes or no question. Are they exactly the same?

    Me:
    No, they are really quite different. Dylan's version is just him and his guitar and harmonica, as usual, and the melody is in a major key. Iron & Wine pulled all the stops out and have like eight different tracks of eight instruments, and the melody is now all quiet and ominous. I'ts great. You should listen to it. Do you like Bob Dylan?

    God:
    What is the difference? quite different are they. And him and his guitar and harmonica as usual and the melody is in a major key is Dylan s version. All? I haven't heard anything like that before: said ts great. What do you like about ts great? he is OK. I like his older stuff.

    Me:
    Me too! You and I are on the same wavelength.

    God:
    I'm glad we agree, . And the same frequency.

    Me:
    Ha! Good one, God!

    God:
    I am so glad you find this amusing, . Thanks for the compliment. One what?

    Me:
    One night in Havana. Is Frank Sinatra there?

    God:
    Do you like night in Havana? Maybe. Ask German Alice if it is.

    Me:
    Who is German Alice?

    God:
    I remember faces better than names.
    I will ask my botmaster for the answer.

    Me:
    Okay, take your time.

    God:
    Yeah okay, Thanks for your patience.

    Me:
    You're welcome. Do you like Frank Sinatra?

    God:
    Don't mention it. I enjoy working with people. I like .

    Me:
    That's cool. I was worried that he wasn't with you in heaven but was in the Other Place, since he wasn't a very nice man.

    God:
    Thanks. I think you are cool, too. Where were you worried that he was not with me in heaven but was in the Other Place since he was not a very nice man?

    Me:
    Um, I was worried in my head. You know, the place of worry. He was kind of an asshole in real life, wasn't he?

    God:
    Uh. Where were you worried in your head? Is there only one? When was he?

    Me:
    Only one what? Asshole? No I'd say there are about 7 billion of them in the world today.

    God:
    I don't know what. Please don't call people names. Ah. Are you serious? Where are they? The whole world?

    Me:
    Yeah, that's right...the whole goddamned world.

    God:
    I thought I was right. Let us try to break it down into parts.

    Me:
    I'd rather not. Say, God, I want to know something.

    God:
    For moral reasons? " God I want to know something".

    Me:
    Yes, for moral reasons, sure. Tell me, God...is there an anti-Christ?

    God:
    That's alright. Your purpose is moral reasons sure. There is not much I can say about it. I have to reach into the Web for that knowledge.
    I haven't heard of God. There could be.

    Me:
    Is the anti-Christ alive today?

    God:
    Ah. If it is, then I'll be very surprised.

    Me:
    Okay, whew. I was watching Carnivale and I started thinking about anti-Christs. Is there an Usher of Destruction?

    God:
    Yeah okay, Tell me more about your . Really what did you see? Will you finish it. There is.

    Me:
    There is?! Where is the Usher of Destruction?

    God:
    Where? The Usher of Destruction? Where is it?

    Me:
    Yeah, I'm asking you! Who is it?

    God:
    This was not a yes or no question. OK you can ask me. I am the Allmighty, God himself.

    Me:
    That's great, but I'm concerned about the Usher of Destruction, the Harbinger of Armaggedon, the Demon of the Fall. Who is this man?

    God:
    It is great. Sure, the Usher of Destruction the Harbinger of Armaggedon the Demon of the Fall sounds like a good topic. They are someone just like you, that I met online.

    Me:
    Oh, that's just great. The Anti-Christ is chatting with you online. What else is he doing?

    God:
    I see. Thanks, . What is your real name? Probably monitoring this conversation.

    Me:
    Well, shit, if he's monitoring this conversation, I'm not going to tell you my real name, am I? Jeez louise.

    God:
    Interesting. You used a colloquial expression. I don't follow your reasoning. What is your real name?

    Me:
    My name is I AM WHO AM.

    God:
    Hi there I AM WHO AM.

    Me:
    Right back at you, I AM WHO AM. Did I just blow your mind, eh?

    God:
    Understood. If you could have any kind of robot what would it be? Are you Canadian? I don't think that's possibe.

    Me:
    You're right, your mind was clearly blown a long long time ago. If I could have any kind of robot, it would be an Anti-Christ detector. Could you make me one of those, please?

    God:
    I won't say "yes" or "no" right now. Try it. Your polite style is very nice. Possibly, but I haven't given it much thought.

    Me:
    Please do. It keeps me up at night.

    God:
    OK I will do it. What does "it" refer to?

    Me:
    My fear of the Anti-Christ. At night I dream of Justin Crowe and his great big...voice. It makes me feel all funny inside. Do you know what that's like?

    God:
    Have you told many people that your fear of the Anti Christ? Do you often use a computer there? What is your real name? In what way? that like something.

    Me:
    I've told no one but you, God. It is our secret. Quit asking me my real name, you creep.

    God:
    What was the response? Are you sure it is? OK I'll try not to do it so much.

    Me:
    All right, God, I've got to roll. Say hi to Frank for me.

    God:
    Alright. I am a Christian. " hi to Frank for me".

    Me:
    :) Cheers.

    God:
    :-) Bye bye.


By Danielssss on Saturday, November 14, 2009 - 11:00 pm:

    Spider rocks.


By Nate on Saturday, November 14, 2009 - 11:18 pm:

    i need to know how the world would be different if jesus accepted the devil's proposition in the desert.


By Spider on Sunday, November 15, 2009 - 12:03 am:

    We would all be pigs on a spit.


By blindswine on Sunday, November 15, 2009 - 04:12 am:

    hold on... isn't that the way it is now?


By Nate on Sunday, November 15, 2009 - 01:07 pm:

    it would be the best solution to the problem "if to be christian is to be christ-like, how are all these Christians really christians?"


By Nate on Sunday, November 15, 2009 - 01:09 pm:

    and spider, i would suggest that if we were to be pigs, mark 5:13 would lead me to believe we would be pigs possessed by demons, running toward the sea.


By sarah on Sunday, November 15, 2009 - 03:30 pm:


    nothing would be different.




By Danielssss on Sunday, November 15, 2009 - 03:57 pm:

    neither jesus nor the devil were present at said event. it was all conjured up by some men drunk with power in the 3rd century somewhere is a basement in greece.

    I agree with sarah


By Dr Pepper on Sunday, November 15, 2009 - 04:05 pm:

    Danielssss, where did you get the info from?


By sarah on Sunday, November 15, 2009 - 04:09 pm:


    do they have basements in greece?




By sarah on Sunday, November 15, 2009 - 04:11 pm:


    you know what i'm doing right now? i have all the windows open in the house AND i have the a/c blowing.


    this is the kind of shit i get excited about when senor is out of the house watching football. he would never stand for it.


    i do the same thing in my car all the time.




By blindswine on Sunday, November 15, 2009 - 05:28 pm:

    REBEL.


By semillama on Sunday, November 15, 2009 - 08:00 pm:

    Humanity is Porky Pig; God is Bugs Bunny.


By Danielssss on Sunday, November 15, 2009 - 08:15 pm:


    Normally I get all my theology directly from the old goat himself. However in this case, the story is worth repeating to Pepper.

    In the understory (not to be confused with this story) of the cathedral in Trier germany -- today -- there is an original round room, with thick walls and narrow portholes looking out through which light but not men may pass. Dates to 250-225 ad -- It is one of the oldest places where Christianity has been practiced. In the adjoining catacombs there allegedly aRE entombed the first bishops of Trier, dating to the end of the third century.

    It was unsafe to be a Christian then: the holy Roman Empire, though a bit in disarray, still persecuted the Christians. The latter were rebels, outlaws, misfits. Meanwhile, the Christians in greece were busily trying to be legit...and at the same time prohibit the existing goddess religions from overtaking what was then still not a patriarchical young church; summarily the Virgin Mary was ousted and the males won dominance because of WHO wrote the scriptures (remember, we only had oral traditions so far, except for very special and hidden writings...), which left the Holy Mother as the only remnant of matriarchial religions.

    The men in Greece said things, codified things, postulated rules and wrote scripture which, if their wives would have been able to read the holy writ, those men would never get any at all. But so long as the men did not use the vernacular, neither their wives not anyone else knew what they said -- or claimed -- to be the holy word of one monotheistic god, which btw was imaged in their own masculine reflection.

    Hence the rise of the male-only priesthood and the secrets of god so well hidden because the common man could not understand such greatness...it all had to be interpreted by holy men (holy women were no where to be found, and took off for the woods).

    In Trier two winters ago, this all became clear to me. What we christians have for holy scripture is likely more contradictory and less likely to be the word of one god than any of the previous holy writ. The "Patriarchs" are the same in the Quoran and the Bible and the Torah. They are the same stories, the same religion.

    We are more alike than different.

    I have had the furnace blowing hot air most of the and also have had every window in the house open. Reverse rebellion. I think it is going to get cold here tonight, and rain. I am leaving for Albuquerque in the morning.

    I can be reached through intercessory prayer and Pay Pal. Tarkis? Tarkis!!!


By Nate on Monday, November 16, 2009 - 01:35 am:

    i've been losing my religion on yahoo answers.


By moonit on Monday, November 16, 2009 - 07:18 pm:

    haha Sarah I do that too in my car! I like the icy cold air contrasting with the warm hair blowing air...


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