alone again or Where are you?: alone again or

By Kalli on Tuesday, May 18, 2004 - 02:08 pm:

    It's been a very long time since I've let myself rant with one hundred percent honesty, and it's a soft afternoon in the office right now. No one here knows me and no one who knows me will find me here. All my co-workers are gone setting up some party to honor such and such at so and so's gorgeous home out on the river tonight. Bleh. I want nothing to do with it. I stole M's Nugget set off of the bookshelf yesterday and it's getting me through this day. The Chocolate Watchband's Sweet Young Thing is playing now and I'll admit that I'm wiggling a little bit in my seat.

    There's the other post on here about the Nick Berg video. I tried to watch it yesterday and I couldn't make it all the way through it for the reasons I already said. And last night I had the worst dreams possible. So far out on another realm that the only thing I think can compare from yesterday would be the face in that video. I dreamt that there was this monster, and he was kind of like Freddy Kruger, but it wasn't quite him. Someone more normal, and he had this ability to just think of a death, and it would happen. In my dream there would be one of my friends just sitting there innocently and then all of a sudden their head would explode, throat slit, and a crumple to the ground. I kept trying to wake up and I couldn't.

    When I finally did, it took me minutes on minutes to finally shake it all clear. You know how certain dreams have a tendency to linger long after they should be gone? This was one of those. I hate it.

    I'm getting married in September. Me. The girl who swore she'd never tie down. Never let my wings get cut and captured. But see, I was wrong about this. It's not like being captured. It's more like being loved. It's like someone has finally built up the courage to put his arms all the way around me instead of just soft pats and semi-hugs. I'm realizing the deeper and deeper M and I go into this life we're creating for us, that I've never ever known any of this before. It's reassuring. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and sometimes there's this streetlight that just catches a corner of his face. It's been two years and sometimes I'm so fascinated that he's still in my bed, still the most beautiful boy in the world, that I can't look away at all.

    I'm in love with my best friend, and he loves me back.

    But see, recently the anxiety has started to build up again. I start thinking what if he decided this all wasn't right one day and he just left me? What if maybe we're just blind right now and not right for each other? What if someday we wake up and instead of hugging and kissing we find ourselves trapped and miserable? What if one of us starts looking elsewhere? What if we meet someone else in a dark room somewhere and we realize we like strange lips better than the ones we know so well? What if someday we forget all the things that today we love?

    And then there's the other side. What if we end up being one of those couples that makes it? My grandparents have been married for 50 years. Fifty years! Fifty years of waking up with each other every single day. Fifty years of watching the world continue to move around them and still they hold on to each other. What if M and I end up together for that long? What will it take for us to get there? Is this what we want? Are we capable?

    I won't admit my anxiety to anyone else. I can't imagine anyone else in the whole wide world in M's place. He is the thing. The thing, when I was younger and someone said, "Hey now, describe what you think would be your everything." And before I ever even met him, he was it. He's continued to be it. His patience with me over the past two years has taken superhuman strength. His ability to still love me even after I've tried to push him in the opposite direction so hard it probably had to hurt. When we're out together, he makes the world comfortable for me. He's like my shield against everyone else. I can't imagine ever being without him.

    So then why am I so nervous?

By patrick on Tuesday, May 18, 2004 - 02:53 pm:

    because you're supposed to be.

    and everyone makes such a big deal of it.

    marriage requires a bit of faith and thats why you are nervous. thats what's tripping you up. uncertaintity of the future.

    try not spend too much time having anxiety about the future because you'll forget to enjoy the present.

    still. everyone is nervous before their wedding. if you weren't , id have to kick you in the ding ding to make sure you had a pulse.

By Gee on Tuesday, May 18, 2004 - 05:35 pm:

    I have a crush on a really short boy. I mean, he's not just short, he's small. He's not midgetly short, but he's damn short. he's like a normal looking guy, shrunken down to mini proportions. if you took two of him and smooshed and reformed them, you could probably make one of me.

    but he's cute and nice and smart and he asked me how I was feeling today. is it really awful that the only thing stopping me is how foolish we'd look walking down the street together?

    when physical appearance is a barrier, is that me being unfair or too picky, or are my attractions beyond my control? If someone is perfect for you in every way but the way they look, what does that say about you?

    just wondering.

By kazu on Tuesday, May 18, 2004 - 05:42 pm:

    Everyone has standards. That's not a problem. And if you aren't attracted to someone, then they will never be perfect for you, no matter what else they've got.

    Still, if you are attracted to someone and just concerned about how the two of you will look to others...well, I don't think any less of you, but I would encourage you to go for it. If the height isn't otherwise a barrier to finding him physically attracted, you might get over how "foolish" you'll look.

By kazu on Tuesday, May 18, 2004 - 05:43 pm:

    And Kalli: what patrick said. Like him, I'd be more concerned if you weren't nervous.

By Dodi on Tuesday, May 18, 2004 - 06:19 pm:

    Kalli....I got married 15 years ago, had major anxiety over the whole thing, but as soon as I said "I Do" it went away. Just keep your heart open and remember, you're so lucky to be marrying your best friend! I married my best friend and believe it or not...he's still my best friend. *S*


By patrick on Tuesday, May 18, 2004 - 06:28 pm:

    yeah but how's the dirty sinful business after 15 years?

By Dodi on Tuesday, May 18, 2004 - 06:56 pm:


By Kalli on Thursday, May 20, 2004 - 11:47 pm:

    I guess it's this constant need to feel like when I make
    big life decisions, I'm making them correct. I look
    around at so many other couples I know that are
    married or have been married and I wonder if they were
    feeling the same way I am before they married and if
    they ever wonder if they made the right choice.

    I'm not trying to sound shakey on any of this. I've just got
    knots in my stomach now that it's no longer just
    something we talk about. It's something that is, or
    rather, will be.

    And he said, "You know, it doesn't really change
    anything. We'll still be here. We'll still be waking up in
    the same bed everyday." And he's's just the
    concept, it makes my tummy flutter.

By Dodi on Friday, May 21, 2004 - 02:40 pm:

    Sounds like you have a great guy Kalli!!!

    Just keep loving eachother... :-)

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