daytona beach ophelia Where are you?: daytona beach ophelia

By ... on Thursday, September 8, 2005 - 02:26 am:

    my father blew his head off just west of here last week and I am sitting on a balcony of room 215 at the Thunderbird Motel in Daytona Beach naked the random sprays of rain make me look for a towel or a police car in need of someone to arrest for being naked with a Treo. holy shit these nasty sprays of rain kinda hurt I remember from growing up on this peninsula. it's salt blasts and no one but me on the shore. and i'm in the cheap seats but I look up andd see a couple of lights on in the Raddison. I stayed there for a week and did not like it. who needs high-falutin money-back service guarantees when 3 months of hard labor and attornies is needed to fulfill those guarantees which earn you about $8? it is really fucking blowing over here right now I am offended and at peace with what my father did but I can not turn up the piece of carpet that covers the unremovable blood stain and I can not say I am sorry enough to the people who hod to see that mess of mind and brain matter. "you heard 2 gunshots?" he'd never fired a gun before so he tested it first, we guess. "you cleaned the gun but it's not your responsibility." and I am the freakin' master of ceremonies? "yes, you can be a pall bearer. you need a beer?" oh man this is the hottest saltiest most sensual wind and wave i've ever sat through.

By ... on Thursday, September 8, 2005 - 02:29 am:

    and I just read that shit and I laughed and laughed. some of the winos are kicking it up on the beach and I might just join them because I got a long day tomorrow, too

By Cat on Thursday, September 8, 2005 - 04:17 am:

    I am so very sorry. For him and for the whole fucking world.

By jack on Thursday, September 8, 2005 - 07:27 am:

    i'm sorry to hear this.

By Antigone on Thursday, September 8, 2005 - 08:33 am:

    Damn, man.

    We're all with you.

By wisper on Thursday, September 8, 2005 - 10:16 pm:

    no very sorry

By dave. on Thursday, September 8, 2005 - 11:43 pm:

    i've been spending much of the day, among other things, wondering what condolences to offer, what to say.

    wisper said it.

By Rowlfe on Friday, September 9, 2005 - 01:05 am:


By Rowlfe on Friday, September 9, 2005 - 01:06 am:

    sorry, thats all I can muster up for something sad as this

By semillama on Friday, September 9, 2005 - 09:13 am:

    sympathy and my thoughts are yours.

By Nelly on Friday, September 9, 2005 - 09:48 am:

    oh, mark

    telling us in a beautiful way, a awful thing

    be well

By J on Friday, September 9, 2005 - 11:21 am:

    My thoughts and prayers are with you,I'm so very sorry.

By Spider on Friday, September 9, 2005 - 05:05 pm:

    I'm so sorry, Mark.

By Karla on Friday, September 9, 2005 - 05:09 pm:

    I'm so sorry about your Dad. If you're still in Fla. come on over to Tampa and I'll get you very, very drunk at the dive(s) of your choice.

By kazu on Friday, September 9, 2005 - 06:28 pm:

    i'm very sorry to hear this. be well.

By Dani on Friday, September 9, 2005 - 08:08 pm:

    I'm near Tampa also so we can always head over to Clearwater Beach and have some drinks at Shepards...alot of drinks if you want... and my Dad did the same thing in our driveway 15 minutes before my Sister and I got off the school bus when I was 8 years old.

    I feel for you and I am sorry for your loss.

By Karla on Saturday, September 10, 2005 - 03:34 pm:

    Hey Dani... I emailed Mark with my contact info in case he's up for drinks. Why don't you email me with your contact info and I'll give you the details if I hear from him.

By patrick on Monday, September 12, 2005 - 03:20 pm:

    shit. i must have missed a memo or something i had no idea that was mark posting.


    it sucks when our dads do things like that. mine did it too.

    be as well as well can be.

By patrick on Monday, September 12, 2005 - 03:21 pm:

    shit. i must have missed a memo or something i had no idea that was mark posting.


    it sucks when our dads do things like that. mine did it too.

    be as well as well can be.

By TBone on Monday, September 12, 2005 - 03:53 pm:

    I hope you're alright, man. My sincerest condolences.

By Farad on Monday, September 19, 2005 - 11:09 am:

    So sorry Mark.

By agatha on Monday, September 19, 2005 - 11:17 pm:

    I'm speechless and sad and defeated, and I really hope you're okay, Mark.

By jack on Monday, September 19, 2005 - 11:40 pm:

    i hope he's back in nyc. and well.

By ... on Wednesday, October 12, 2005 - 03:16 am:

    i am back in daytona beach. there is still a huge blood stain on the carpet on the porch, and -- as someone told me last week -- a stain on the rest of our lives. i tried to stay at his place tonight but all of a sudden it got too weird. i am pretty embarrassing to see when i try for the brave face thing. maybe i'll stay there tomorrow night. have to gut the place out, starting with all the weird pinball machine-like lights and timers and wiring. at the burial there was a 21 gun salute. pow pow pow. pow pow pow. pow pow pow. pow pow pow. pow pow pow. pow pow pow. pow pow pow.

By Antigone on Wednesday, October 12, 2005 - 08:48 am:

    Jeez.. There's no reason for you to stay over night. None. Zippo. Don't push it. Take it as slow as you need to, and then a bit slower. You'll be there for enough hours in the day as it is. Stay somewhere else. You need to be able to get away from it, if only for a little while.

By Karla on Wednesday, October 12, 2005 - 06:24 pm:

    Have you thought about hiring a cleaning service to come out and do the worst of it (the carpet and porch) so you don't have to deal with it? They usually aren't too expensive and it might make it easier to deal with the rest of it. Hopefully you'll find some mementos of better times (old photos, etc) that will help balance out the awful parts of what you're going through. I recently cleaned out my Mom's house (she'd been there 42 years) so I kind of get where you're coming from, although the circumstances are different. And my offer to get you drunk while you're here still stands. No brave faces required.

By agatha on Wednesday, October 12, 2005 - 08:59 pm:

    I would have to agree. There's no reason for you to stay in the house. Is there someone that can help you?

By ... on Wednesday, May 6, 2015 - 09:08 pm:

    i found myself recalling and retelling the details of
    this whole sorry matter last night, having
    successfully put most of it out of my mind for i
    don't know how many years.

    i never stayed overnight at the house but i was there
    one night sorting through some stuff when suddenly
    all the lights turned on. he had the living room
    lights on a timer. freaked me the fuck out.

    there were relatives who came to back me up on some
    of what had to be done, and for the funeral. the one
    who stuck around the longest expected money but the
    terms of the trust were so strict that even if i
    wanted to at least compensate her for travel expenses
    i would not have had much flexibility. having only
    barely heard of her before she arrived on the scene i
    do not expect to ever talk to her again.

    in the 9 years since this happened there is
    something i never told anyone but my sister and a few
    friends. i never even told my mother, and i regret
    that because i think she had her suspicions and would
    have been relieved and even amused to know the truth.

    my father was gay. i found a VHS tape hidden away
    deep in a dresser drawer, buried under several pair
    of women's underpants. unlabeled. i put it in the VCR
    and it was cued up to start right at the money shot,
    with 2 dudes sucking each other off. he hid that VHS
    tape like a teenager would stick a Playboy under the
    mattress thinking his mother would never think to
    look there. did he want it to be found? was this his
    way of letting us know? or did he just forget? i
    don't think he was ever sexually active with other
    men, but that his awareness simply came out late in
    life and he explored it through porns and such.

    i asked the estate attorney if he knew. he said
    something like "no but i kind of figured as much."
    then he delivered a clumsy but sincere eulogy on the
    secrets of the human soul and what goes on inside the
    brain that is never expressed aloud or in any
    communicable way. i thought of that when i had a
    brain MRI done a few years ago, how they scanned and
    photographed every single slice of my brain and still
    couldn't tell what the hell was going on in there. at
    the time i was walking into buildings and blacking
    out for no apparent reason. the neurologist decided
    it was major depression, which hardly came as a
    surprise, i guess i just never expected such drastic
    physical symptoms.

    i would say that my dad was depressed but that word
    was just not admissible to him or his generation.

    my sister reacted to the news that he was gay the way
    i should have: she laughed, saying that being married
    to our mother would drive any man to the other side.
    i truly wish our mother knew, but i think that the
    window of time during which she was sentient enough
    to understand was limited anyway.

    a gay friend of mine was the most unsettled, or
    rather sympathetic about this, even though he never
    knew my dad. he said that in another generation i
    might never have been born, a comment which seemed
    heavy at the time he said it but seems needlessly
    existential now.

    i put most of dad's stuff on the curb and donated the
    clothes to Goodwill, but i dumped the porns into a
    trash can in the parking lot of a restaurant.

By ... on Wednesday, May 6, 2015 - 11:57 pm:

    Laughing my ass off!

By beta on Thursday, May 7, 2015 - 12:03 am:

    Huh, I wonder how the estate attorney suspected as much. And maybe it was for the best that your mother didn't know? People blame themselves for that sort of thing all the time.

By ... on Thursday, May 7, 2015 - 09:31 pm:

    my dad had certain ... what's the word ...
    flamboyances that i think tipped off the attorney.
    they were actually pretty good friends who spent a
    lot of time together in addition to the lawyer/client

    i think my mother could have handled knowing.
    whatever her reaction might have been i think it
    could simply have been fair. after my mother was gone
    i had a conversation with a friend whose first wife
    came out after they got divorced. i was impressed by
    how he so articulately and sincerely said that he had
    no intellectual or mental problem with it. he might
    feel different if he'd spent his whole life with her
    but that's just hypothetical. that conversation got
    me thinking about how i should have let my mother
    know, but i guess there's no point in looking back.

By droopy on Friday, May 8, 2015 - 02:28 am:

    this must have happened in one of the years i was
    without a computer. very sorry.

    when my grandfather died (at 85, of cancer) we had
    to go through his belongings, which included a
    garage packed to the rafters with junk he'd
    collected over the years. just before he died, he
    told me mother "there might be some things in
    there i wouldn't want you to see." as a teenager,
    i had found his extensive collection of girlie
    magazines packed away in boxes. so it came as a
    surprise when i found a set of pictures from the
    1930's: they were of him in what i would describe
    as tastefully homoerotic nudes and semi-nudes.
    they were taken by an man called george enz. i
    found letters from him that had sort of an
    unexpressed passion.

    we all have our secret souls.

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