the archangel Sex: the archangel

By Sarah on Sunday, August 22, 1999 - 08:50 pm:

    what a crazy time.

    last night i went to an art performance at the Honolulu Acadamey Theater. some story teller/folk musician folks from my circle were doing this gig called Art Off The Wall, which got rave reviews at the Contemporary Art Museum in LA. they did a bunch of interpretations of Van Gogh's work, including a one-man skit called The Ghost of Van Gogh. intense shit, really creative and inspiring.

    before heading to Anna's to see the band, Christa and i stopped at manoa for coffee and then the cash machine. i withdrew $20, and the receipt printed out a balance approximately $2000 less than what should have printed. i have not paid any bills in the last two weeks. i panicked.

    i drove home and called 24 hour customer service. the computers were down, and the lady said maybe try back in an hour or call in the morning. my adrenaline was afire, the only way i would sleep was if i was tranquilized. i logged on to pass the time, but i could not wait til morning. that's all the money i have in the world, half of which is waiting to pay off my new computer when the bill arrives this week.

    luckily an hour or two later i called back, and it was just a mistake. all the money was exactly where it should be. the good news never sounded as sweet. it was a strange rush and the waiting to find out was a different kind of hell.

    i went back to Anna's and the place was in full swing. students back to school and all. i said some cursory hello's, including a brief chat with Michael... Michael the guy i met camping at Makua a few weeks ago. the one, the one, the energy, the one i said i wish i had met six months from now.

    but not now, not at this moment, no time to flirt. i was high on relief, and headed to the dance floor and danced my ass off with Christa and Kim, then Russ and Stuart and Gary, then Cynthia. Little Red Rooster. danced with everything, let loose. coffee, adrenaline, relief.

    later i went the bar and Michael appeared by my side. bought me a drink. we talked. the energy, the energy. i haven't felt such a pull in so long. i don't get *this* way over men, it's rare. so incredibly sexy. so down to earth. a really *cool* person, and even moreso because he doesn't even know (and probably wouldn't care if he did) how cool he is.

    it took him some time. i danced some more and he watched unabashedly. i tried not to dance for him, but to lose myself. a few beers later and he was ready, almost the end of the night. just in time for They Love Each Other, nice n bluesy and slow is how they play it. we danced together but not, eyes to the ground, moving closer together, ever so slightly, brushing by in slow melodic movements.

    the bar closed and we loitered outside for an hour at least. he had come with our buddy Dan - they both live windward side. i knew my housemate Stephen would be up and jazzed like he always is after a show. i knew Michael wanted a chance to play guitar with Stephen. i invited Michael and Dan over for guitar and beers.

    we stayed up all night playing music, they even pretended to enjoy my bad country tunes that i love playing the most.

    we hung out on the lanai and took in the quiet and the stars and the city lights and the setting moon.

    more music. more energy. more than just sex. a feeling. a sense of unspoken connection.

    i finally called it quits at 5am. the boys were still up strumming. i thought .... i thought something, i thought Michael if he was into it, now is the time. he didn't follow. i was ok with that. i like the slow draw too. i stripped down naked, turn the fan on full blast to clear out the summer night heat, and climbed in bed.

    sometime later the door opened and Michael was standing next to my bed in the dark. he asked if he could crash with me, and of course i welcomed him in. the soft jersey sheets, who can resist? he laid down next to me, clothed, not touching, but intertwined his feet with mine. we were quiet for a long time.

    something was going to happen but it could go either way. the anticipation seemed endless. finally, he broke the silence. he turned me over on my side and looked at me. he said:

    "I think you are a healer."

    and i wanted to laugh and cry. i wanted to tell him the whole story, the story he couldn't have guessed, never would have known. i laid there naked and speechless and overwhelmed by ... by everything. he is nearly stranger, there wasn't enough time to explain. if we were to be just friends, if we could someday lay aside what was to come, i could have hoped to become close enough to him to let him inside. the energy was there, the potential. but it wasn't the right time. then he said:

    "i'm really attracted to you."

    i told him it was mutual. i wanted to say more but didn't. he said, "your lips... i bet you are a great kisser." i said, "is that your line?" he reached out to stroke my hair and laid there and didn't answer. instead he said:

    "May I please kiss you?"

    and i said yes. and he didn't come near me for a long time. he just laid there and looked at me. after a while he moved closer. and then, and then he grabbed my hair, pulled me tightly, quickly, roughly toward him, our lips an inch apart. i was shaking. and then he took his sweet time. we kissed. he moaned.

    and it began.

    it was the most unrealistic sex i've ever had. he said all the right things, his manner was just the way i like it. he was forceful and scary, he knew what he wanted, he wasn't afraid of my body, somehow he knew what i like instinctually. he talked really really dirty to me. he was careful to check in to make sure i was all right, but no matter. i was doing just fine.

    probably the part you don't want to hear, but i'm going to say it anyway. stop reading now if you can't take it. he had the biggest cock i have ever seen in my life. honestly, *too* big (i never thought i'd say that), like out of some crazy porn movie. it's difficult to work with something so damn huge.

    i'm beginning to notice, they all say the same thing. your hands, they say, your touch, your touch, different, so soft, so erotic. your hands your hands, it feels so nice. and they purr like a kitty cat, eyes closed, stretched out. we laid naked all night, all sunrise, and talked and felt.

    the problem of course is that it doesn't happen this way.

    i KNOW it doesn't happen this way, i know better. why didn't i stop after the kiss? why didn't i give him a reason to call back. he stayed til 11 a.m. and we all went out to breakfast. we laughed and played and ate, he got my number.

    he won't call. i know he won't call and i blew it. anyone else... and i wouldn't even care. but Michael, i've had a feeling about him from the very start. his green eyes, his soft voice, his great sense of humor. his, what, his casual way, his utter sincerity, his late 30 something content, his beachside rental in Lani Kai, his goatee and glasses, his strong hard forearms (!) and sturdy stature, his working hands, his lean and soft spots, just how i like it. and the energy... always the energy.... he is so right in so many ways and he has no idea.

    i have to figure out how to stop letting it be this way.

By Sarah on Wednesday, August 25, 1999 - 04:22 am:

    good god motherfucking dumb luck miracle.

    he called! he called!!

    ok, i blew it again though. i was all like, "Who is this?" because i honestly didn't know it was him and i was sorta rushed to go to my aerobics class. he laughed. i think he wanted to say something like, "oh you know, the guy who had his dick in you on saturday", but instead he chuckled and said, "this is michael." i mean, there's got to be some irony in that. i think my saying that made him feel awkward right off the bat. not good. but i apologized to him, and i surely felt like an ass for not recognizing his (sweet) voice.

    we talked for like 2.5 minutes. he mentioned being able to get me and my roommates some buds from his neighbor (he offered sunday morning when my roommates told him that our other two regular providers quit the business), and that he'll see me this weekend for the trade-off. then he said his cell was ringing and had to go. i thanked him and we hung up.

    i thought that was a cute excuse to call. hopefully it was more than an excuse.

    all of this, after i spent the last two days depressed and nauseated and full of self-loathing, convinced that i fucked up the best thing that could have happened to me in a long time. i even went home from work early today because i had made myself sick over this whole thing. maybe there's still a chance after all. i'm not going to get my hopes up, but at least maybe we can be friends, which would rock.

    it would also be a first for me.

By J on Friday, August 27, 1999 - 10:24 am:

    Score!Score!Score!Sarah is on it like Blue Bonnet!You made yourself sick for nothing,it sounds all good to me.

By Gee on Friday, September 3, 1999 - 06:36 am:

    Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow, Sarah. That's beautiful. I think it made me really sad.

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