the canine sack races Sex: the canine sack races

By crimson on Sunday, May 21, 2000 - 08:50 am:

    hello. i'm loaded. raise your hand if you're surprised.

    just popping in to leave a completely useless post. there's no great earth-shattering message here. in fact, there's nothing here at all.

    the show's over.

    i've already taken over the earth, kicked intergalactic ass, hammered your most cherished ideals into obscurity & divested every teenager in the tri-state area of his virginity. & you missed it.

    but that's OK. i'll do it all again tomorrow night.

    i only filed this under "sex" to make you look. perve.

    but we can talk about sex. when's the last time you gave me head?

    perhaps i cheated by masquerading this gibberish as a sexual post. but you never do know, friends & neighbors. in the hands of any given sorabjiite, it could turn into a filth-fest yet. there's still hope for depravity. in fact, there's about a 90% chance.

    behold the ritual cleansing of the lemmings. behold the flailings of sisyphus in a cashmere sweater.

    sex. christ almighty. doesn't it all secretly boil down to having it YOUR way? it's like goddamn burger king. oh, yes. get all teary-eyed on me. tell me how it's all about the pleasure of The Other. & i'll piss myself laughing.

    confess. your dick rules your frontal lobe. your cunt will swallow the earth. you have rebirthed sexual reality in your own deranged image. the best sexual partner is the one you obsess on pleasing the most: you, you, YOU. every day, it's all about you. & that's a good thing. choke on the image of your own cock. it's the way of evolution. it's hip, it's happening, it's now.

    i want to get 300 times more hammered than i already am. so i will.

    see you real soon.

By agatha on Sunday, May 21, 2000 - 02:22 pm:

    i wanted to read about canine sack races. damn.

By crimson on Sunday, May 21, 2000 - 03:53 pm:

    heh, heh, heh. i'm such a bloody tease. i promise sack races & deliver psychobabble, instead.

    maybe i'll remember what the hell i was thinking about--this entire concept of "canine sack races"--when i sober up (approximately 2 years from now). the phrase sprang to mind while watching a cartoon. at the moment, it seemed like a spectacular metaphor for life.

    but so did masturbation.

By Lamskin on Sunday, May 21, 2000 - 11:37 pm:


By Lamskin on Sunday, May 21, 2000 - 11:59 pm:

    I believe The Canine Sack Races, were a part of early 14th century civilization. It started in France and moved to England, The Sack Races were started around the same time the first form of tenis was invented. The races involved dogs, obviously. What they would do is, the dog's master would peirce the dogs sack, and hang heavy objects from it. Over time this caused the sack to stretch and become very large. When it came time for the races, the more large a dogs sack was, the more far ahead it could start, They would chase pigs, bunny's and sometimes prisoners. The winning dog would be killed and its intestines and testicles were cooked and givin to the highest ranking knight who attended the race. The owner of the dog was givin a large ammount of gold.

    .....Now picture in your mind, 10 or 12 dogs lined up, all drooling and growling as their masters hold tight to their leashes, their large sacks hanging low (the dogs not the master's), some sacks even touching or dragging along the ground. Peasants and merchants from the nearby castles are now lined up watching impatiently, The time comes and the dog master's release their hounds. The crowd goes wild, money is passed around as people make bets. The dogs run forward with a full head of steam, their gigantic sacks floppinp in the wind, some of the bigger sacks drag along the dirt ground leaving a trail in the dust. the dogs run after the pig. the pig dodges to the right, the dogs immediatly turn in pursuit, but their massive sacks dont turn immediately and instead they swing hard to the left, hitting the dogs legs, making some dogs trip and fall, one dog who is far behind desides to try and get ahead by biting down hard on the dogs sack in front of him. In responce the dog turns and bites its attackers sack, the dogs run in circles, sacks in mouths. Finally a dog is able to catch the pig and the Canine Sack Races have come to an end........ Hopefully that helped you better imagine these important historical races.

By patrick on Monday, May 22, 2000 - 01:21 pm:

    shut up

By Dougie on Monday, May 22, 2000 - 02:40 pm:

    Actually, that was pretty funny, Lamskin

By crimson on Monday, May 22, 2000 - 03:15 pm:

    thank you for that impromptu history of the canine sack races. it saved me the trouble of having to tell the whole story myself.

    i hate my neighbors. (yeah, this sentence probably appears in every thread i've posted to since march 1--the day the sorry twats moved in--but i just thought i'd mention it again). it's an amazing thing. i never knew i could feel loathing this deep. the hell of it is, i'm stuck here for a little while & am just going to have to deal w/ their bullshit, somehow.

    phone's been ringing off the freakin' hook. everyone's got a crisis today. stuff straight from the jerry springer show. christ alive. if i had an abusive stalker of a man and a dozen kids from ten different jailbirds, i, too, could be enjoying this kind of paradise.

    instead, i sit here cursing my neighbors & conducting my quiet little life. i'm luckier than i ever imagined. no shit. lucky me.

By Lamskin on Monday, May 22, 2000 - 03:28 pm:

    Wow, i barely remember writing abou the Canine Sack Races. I must have been tired... I agree with Dougie, i thought that was pretty funny too. Kinda sad since i am the one who wrote it. If you people want to read a damned good book, AND I MEAN A DAMNED GOOD BOOK! Read "Timeline" by Michael Crichton. Its received excellent reviews all over America. (so its not just MY opinion). I usually take about a month to read books like that (not cause i am a slow reader, but because i lose interest) but i read this book in a few days, trust me people, its an excellent book!!! And I dont give a shit that this has nothing to do with this string, and YES i know there is a section titled "whats the best book you've ever read" but the way i figure it, that is for book fanatics who read everything, i thought i would give my insight on a string where there are people who dont get a chance to read often. Thankyou for taking your time to read my post and i eagerly await a reply.

By Lamskin on Monday, May 22, 2000 - 03:30 pm:

    Oh, yah, Patrick... You can suck on my large, odly shaped, severely bent, twisted, 16 inch quivering cock...

By patrick on Monday, May 22, 2000 - 03:46 pm:


By crimson on Monday, May 22, 2000 - 05:18 pm:

    speaking of books, i've got a massive pile of them over here, stuff that just came in. a random collection of goodies sent over by several different parties for my entertainment & disapproval. tons of weirdness to wade through. books on chaos magick, ceremonial magick, bulldyke novels, vintage porn, zen stuff, detective novels, just all kinds of shit. if my neighbors will shut up for two fucking seconds, perhaps i can actually read this stuff. but i doubt they will. they'll just keep screaming & throwing shit at the walls like a bunch of goddamn apes.

    people amaze me, they really do. some of the locals here are so astonishingly brain-dead (probably not unlike the locals in YOUR area, since crass stupidity seems to be an american epidemic). it's not just here. it's everywhere.

    the average lifetime achievements around here: drop out of school in junior high (if you get that far). hook up w/ a string of abusive fucks, one after the next. start having kids at 13. abuse the hell out of them. get used to walking around town w/ black eyes. act loud & stupid. barfights on the weekend. actively torment people who don't look & act just like you. take daytime TV as holy writ, w/ pro wrestling as the new testament. pledge allegiance to everything you see on television. act like a loud, boorish jackass all day long.

    i'm not saying that i'm infallible. i have faults. i'm undereducated. i don't understand a lot of things. i have a long way to go. but i value serenity above all things & it's so damn hard to find, because people seem so hell-bent on eradicating it. what is WRONG w/ these people, that they can't just settle back & let people live the way they want to live? why are people so loud & stupid? i'll never understand it, as long as i live.

    new career option: i want to be a hermit. anyone got a cave i can rent?

By patrick on Monday, May 22, 2000 - 06:31 pm:

    i have a crawl space....dirt cheap..literally

By Lamskin on Monday, May 22, 2000 - 07:36 pm:

    How much a month dude?

By Lamskin on Monday, May 22, 2000 - 07:37 pm:

    My Balls are heavy...?

By Fetidbeaver on Monday, May 22, 2000 - 09:45 pm:

    Are you bragging or complaining?

By heather on Monday, May 22, 2000 - 11:28 pm:

    i thought it said sock races

    i imagined sock puppets


    but it was funny

By crimson on Tuesday, May 23, 2000 - 01:20 am:

    sock puppets rule.

    totally unrelated note: it's my wedding anniversary. 11 years.

    it's kind of weird to think that i found somebody who more or less understands me. i mean, i'm very mellow & even-tempered, but bizarre. i've been told often that i'm nice, but extremely weird. i've also been told frequently by people that they were afraid of me at first, but then they discovered that i'm actually gentle & laid back. i don't know why i spook people so. i've asked about it & they say things like, "you're so damn intense". last i heard, intensity isn't any reason for fearing someone.

    anyhow, all this is to say that my husband actually seems to roll w/ all my weirdness. he has a magical way of helping me cope w/ a world i don't really understand. he's a very, very cool human. i can't really imagine him not being there. we protect each other. i can cope w/ things he can't & vice-versa. together, as a unit, we manage to stay afloat. he makes me laugh. we don't have arguments (or the very few flare-ups we've had only lasted a couple of minutes, w/ no raising of the voice or other accompanying stupidity). we've never raised our voices to one another, ever. we spend so much time laughing.

    we have the weirdest marriage in the world. & it's cool.

By heather on Tuesday, May 23, 2000 - 06:25 pm:


    people say that about me (silly people)

    and i have no clue what's intense about me

    does he have a brother?

By crimson on Tuesday, May 23, 2000 - 09:54 pm:

    alas, no brother.

    i don't know why people find me intense. i guess it's because i don't sit around twirling my hair & babbling vapidly about the usual home-n'-gardens moo-cow crap. that makes me a threat to the Normals. so be it.

    just got back from ye olde anniversary dinner. it was pleasant. we didn't go anywhere overly fancy, but we did go over into the yuppie district, & man, is it weird. people sitting alone at tables yammering non-stop into cell phones about nothing in particular. they were eating alone, just talking to disembodied souls who weren't there. it seemed terribly empty, somehow.

    on an odd note, the women at the restaurant were mostly dressed similarly, in these weird, ultra-tight dresses that looked like something out of the early '60s. i guess that's the style now. anyway, some woman w/ humongous breasts that were about to fall out of her dress kept staring at me. she was bending over at the table. i could see right down her dress & she kept staring at me. she wasn't bad-looking. it was a weird moment, that's all.

    i want to move somewhere better, that's for sure. but the venture over into yuppieville made me wonder if i could hack the wealthy zombie crowd. they kinda spook me, somehow. there seems to be something spiritually amiss there. but that's probably just me being presumptuous. they may be the coolest folks in the world & really have it on the ball. maybe they could teach me a few hundred new tricks.

    it's already too hot to spend much time outside. 90+ degrees & humid as hell. i hate summer. i hate summer almost as much as i hate my neighbors. but not quite.

By Gee on Tuesday, May 23, 2000 - 11:45 pm:

    you don't seem very serene. no offense.

By crimson on Wednesday, May 24, 2000 - 03:36 am:

    who, me?

    no offense taken. aside from my everlasting threats to decapitate my neighbors & firebomb the entire fucking town, i'm a real marshmallow.

    i do prize serenity. very much. i can be violent in my speech & writing, but that's an outlet. i do that so i DON'T behave like a total creep during my normal waking hours. i use words as a sort of exorcism.

    sure, i'd like to bludgeon my neighbor's skulls into a thousand bloody toothpick-like shards...but i'd much rather have them just leave me alone, instead, so i can conduct my nice, quiet, serene life.

    serenity. it's my operating principle. in fact, i'm a veritable fucking buddha of serenity. i do wish that i had a lot more silence & calmness in my life right now. i'm going berserk from the perpetual noise.

    doesn't anybody just sit still & listen to the silence any more?

By Rhiannon on Wednesday, May 24, 2000 - 12:28 pm:

    I adore you, Crimson. Just so you know. :)

By crimson on Wednesday, May 24, 2000 - 03:03 pm:


    adoration always makes my day.

    & of course, i adore you, too. =)

By J on Wednesday, May 24, 2000 - 04:04 pm:

    I can feel the love!!

By patrick on Wednesday, May 24, 2000 - 05:44 pm:

    i feel it to.

    i have to go pee.

By MapleLeaf on Wednesday, May 24, 2000 - 06:50 pm:

    HHHmmmmmmmmmm...he's been gone a long time.

By crimson on Wednesday, May 24, 2000 - 06:59 pm:

    maybe his bladder ruptured or something...from an overdose of adoration.

    adoration. it's kinda like radiation, only more interesting.

By crimson on Thursday, May 25, 2000 - 02:52 am:

    he's still gone. somebody call out the search dogs.

    severe weather here. i'm about to have to get offline & dodge the next round of tornadoes. massive storm moving in from the west. the earlier storm, a couple of hours ago, had hail, intense lightning, 80 MPH winds, & tornadoes (but none of them touched down here). the next storm is supposed to be worse. it's now crossed the state line & heading toward my place. that's what the weather guy said.

    "crimson," he said, "this throbbing bitch of thunderstorm is heading right for your apartment."

    OK. i made that part up. about the weather guy. but not about the storm.

    i'm in a weird mood. thinking about this friend that i had in my early teens, wondering whatever happened to her. her father used to beat the hell out of her. he was a preacher. he told her that when it stormed, it was because god was angry w/ her; she had to get on her knees & pray for god to stop being mad at her & make the storm go away. he said god was punishing the whole city w/ a thunderstorm for her transgressions. he used to beat her. he made her strip for him & then get dressed again in the tightest clothing she had. he told her that god had punished her by making her ugly. she was a beautiful blonde girl, but she thought she was an ugly fucking troll. she believed everything daddy said. she was terrified that she was going to go to hell.

    it's storming. all these years later, she's probably out there, still praying for god to stop being mad at her & make the storms go away.

    or maybe she got a gun & finally shot the old man. i really don't know.

By crimson on Thursday, May 25, 2000 - 06:41 pm:

    well, i survived the storm. some trees fell over, though, not far from where i'm sitting. at least one didn't come crashing down on my roof, which happened here last year.

    maybe it was completely dopey of me to wonder, as i did in the above post, what happened to someone i haven't seen in about 20 years. but still, i do find myself wondering sometimes.

    different case: there was this no-necked dumbshit motherfucker i knew back in high school. he used to follow me around a lot, giving me constant hell (he was a jock, so it was OK). i finally put a screeching halt to it by publicly humiliating him in front of all his sub-literate loser friends (long story). anyway, i don't wish him ill, but i do kinda hope he came to a perfectly mediocre end. i heard he knocked someone up right out of high school & married her, even though she was always a total bitch to him. perfect. hope he's pumping gas somewhere in the boondocks, hearing his wife's yammering, bitching voice in his head like a fucking two-ton gong, & secretly whining for the glory days, when he got to randomly kick around nerd-girls for jollies.

    high school doesn't exist for education. it exists solely to create a tantalizing series of revenge fantasies.

By Lamskin on Friday, May 26, 2000 - 12:19 pm:

    Crimson, why the hell do you always write so damned much? people like me with short attention spans (also known as, ADD) cannot read that much writing without becoming irritated. no ofense, i am sure your writing is good, but you should sumarize it at the end.

By Dougie on Friday, May 26, 2000 - 03:17 pm:

    Haiku summary for Lamskin:

    Trees fell, not on me
    Revenge a dish best served cold
    High school teaches that

By crimson on Friday, May 26, 2000 - 09:55 pm:

    sorry, lamskin. i write in long, stream-of-consciousness waves, because that's how i think. just consider it MY personal attention span problem. how do people manage to stick to one subject, in a neat, tight little package, anyway? that's just not how my mind works.

    i WISH my brain spewed out words in neat, concise, summarized, easy-to-chew portions. then everything would be easier.

    i can't promise that my writing will get any shorter or easier to read. i'd have to saw off half my brain to make things work out like that. but your suggestions have been noted.

    dougie--your haiku rocked. tell you can just follow me all over the 'net, summarizing everything i say, so that nobody misses anything.

    lightning kissed the skies
    over wal-mart. i'm back &
    in love w/ the world

By J on Friday, May 26, 2000 - 10:01 pm:

    Crimson,you write all good to me,how was your vacation?

By crimson on Friday, May 26, 2000 - 10:33 pm:

    the vacation rocked. it was great.

    usually, it's just my husband & i, but this time, we took others along for the ride. i was filmed swimming in the gulf of mexico ( there's footage of me in a swimsuit somewhere). we just had a gentle, cool, laid-back time.

    while i was down there, i hung out underneath some sort of gigantic bungee tower one evening. i noticed that the female jumpers squealed a little bit, but then laughed as they fell. the male jumpers, however, screamed & cursed all the way down. each customer got 2 jumps for their money...the women didn't make much noise the second time around. the guys still screamed & cursed. i watched all these brave young souls defy death, while i calmly rested on a sand dune, munching a box of krispy kreme donuts. the jumpers never saw me. i could've shot them as they flew through the air.

    that same night, i went out onto the pitch-black beach & sat at the water's edge, listening to shortwave radio. i swam in the water (w/o the radio). i just felt wonderful & alive.

    two drunk teenage chicks finally came wandering up after the tide rolled out. on tape, i used them as the subject of a brief pseudo-documentary. where did they come from? what manner of creatures might they be? & how could we get them back to our hotel room?

    spent a lot of time in a cemetery, too, & did some taping there. it's a cemetery i'm thinking about getting encrypted in someday. some of the graves were decorated w/ sparkling mardi gras beads. it was great.

    a calm, laid-back time was had by all. a great vacation. lots of love & joy & all that shit.

    i probably won't get to go back to the beach until september, for my birthday. but i'm counting the days. i wanna go back. wish i could go tonight.

By Dougie on Saturday, May 27, 2000 - 01:03 am:

    Another Haiku summary for Lamskin:

    The vacation rocked
    Should have shot bungee jumpers
    Love & Joy & Shit

By Gee on Saturday, May 27, 2000 - 01:05 am:

    I have a problem with syllables. sometimes I really can't tell how many syllables are in a word. When I was a wee tot they told us how to count the syllables of a word, but sometimes it doesn't work. sometimes I feel like the last letter of a word is an extra syllable.

    like the word "world". crimson had it as one syllable up there, but if I had been left to figure that out on my own I would have been stuck between one and two:

    (1) world

    (2) worl-d

    I know. it's ridiculous.

By Dougie on Saturday, May 27, 2000 - 01:24 am:

    I believe that's a diphthong.

By Dougie on Saturday, May 27, 2000 - 01:38 am:

    Thanks, Crimson. I'm afraid I'm all haiku'd out though. I've been thinking in Haiku all night, trying to fit everything into 5-7-5. Haiku reminds me of 4th grade, along with those paintings everybody did with the quarter of a sun shining in the upper top right of the page. Why couldn't anyone ever paint a full sun?

By semillama on Saturday, May 27, 2000 - 11:14 am:

    Screaming and Cursing
    Sounds like a good time to me
    Who needs to jump, though?

By Isolde on Saturday, May 27, 2000 - 02:22 pm:

    I always painted
    The full sun in the corner.
    I made it yellow.

    I have been thinking
    In haiku also, Dougie.
    It's terrible, yes?

    Vacation sounded
    Like fun, Crimson. Glad you went.
    Vacation sounds good.

By crimson on Saturday, May 27, 2000 - 07:05 pm:

    as a kid i kept
    painting the sun bright orange
    w/ fangs like razors.

    i was so morbid
    & depraved back in grade school.
    shrinks were called. i laughed.

    i played doctor w/
    nasty little boys who'd drop
    their pants for pennies.

    liked playing doctor.
    still do. but now w/ better
    meds, knives & scalpels.

By Lamskin on Monday, May 29, 2000 - 11:58 pm:

    Dougie, you are amazing, your haikus make much sense, they are interesting, to the point, and i feel well informed after reading it, I much appriciate it. I feel like i should be making donations. Crimson. Those Haikus kick ass. you all are so wonderul. i love it here

By Lamskin on Tuesday, May 30, 2000 - 12:05 am:

    By the way everybody. I really appriciate all the web pages that have been posted for me. I have visited them ALL and i have seriously found each one amusing. thankyou VERY much! :)

By Fetidbeaver on Tuesday, May 30, 2000 - 12:22 am:

    Lamskin, are you any relation to Foreskin? Just curious....thanks

By Dougie on Tuesday, May 30, 2000 - 10:21 am:

    Glad you liked the haikus, Lamskin. Crimson set them up so beautifully that they wrote themselves.

By Lamskin on Friday, June 2, 2000 - 02:14 am:

    Foreskin is my mother

The Stalking Post: General goddam chit-chat Every 3 seconds: Sex . Can men and women just be friends? . Dreamland . Insomnia . Are you stoned? . What are you eating? I need advice: Can you help? . Reasons to be cheerful . Days and nights . Words . Are there any news? Wishful thinking: Have you ever... . I wish you were... . Why I oughta... Is it art?: This question seems to come up quite often around here. Weeds: Things that, if erased from our cultural memory forever, would be no great loss Surfwatch: Where did you go on the 'net today? What are you listening to?: Worst music you've ever heard . What song or tune is going through your head right now? . Obscure composers . Obscure Jazz, 1890-1950 . Whatever, whenever General Questions: Do you have any regrets? . Who are you? . Where are you? . What are you doing here? . What have you done? . Why did you do it? . What have you failed to do? . What are you wearing? . What do you want? . How do you do? . What do you want to do today? . Are you stupid? Specific Questions: What is the cruelest thing you ever did? . Have you ever been lonely? . Have you ever gone hungry? . Are you pissed off? . When is the last time you had sex? . What does it look like where you are? . What are you afraid of? . Do you love me? . What is your definition of Heaven? . What is your definition of Hell? Movies: Last movie you saw . Worst movie you ever saw . Best movie you ever saw Reading: Best book you've ever read . Worst book you've ever read . Last book you read Drunken ramblings: uiphgy8 hxbjf.bklf ghw789- bncgjkvhnqwb=8[ . Payphones: Payphone Project BBS . torturechamber . . receipts . contact