the neighborhood birthcontrol


sorabji.com: Sex: the neighborhood birthcontrol
THIS IS A READ-ONLY ARCHIVE FROM THE SORABJI.COM MESSAGE BOARDS (1995-2016).

By Nate on Wednesday, August 13, 2003 - 02:57 pm:

    I lie here in bed, my head by an open window facing a small parking yard enclosed by apartments. My window is on the northwest corner of this yard. As you travel counterclockwise from my window you cross what amounts to a sidewalk between units before reaching apartment 42.

    When you walk in the front door of 42 you walk into the living room, and the kitchen is on the right. The front door is on the south side; on the side furthest from my bedroom window. That leaves at least one bedroom and a bathroom to the rear of the house, though Iíve never seen either.

    The property manager lives in 42. She is probably mid-twenties, fit, pretty and fairly dim. She is apt to wear a bikini top and little shorts that allow the well tanned slivers of her moon to see the light of day. Her husband is the half-assed handyman for the complex. When I look at the paint drips in my sink, the painted-over fixtures, or the sloppy concrete repair in the driveways I think of him. He has a voice like The Dude.

    They have three kids, four and under. K, a boy, is their eldest. I put him at four, though I judge the age of kids about as well as Gloria Steinam judges wet t-shirt contests. He has a tiny little bicycle that he pedals all around the complex. He walks and talks and picks on his sister, E.

    E I put at two and a half. I really should get one of my child-happy woman friends over here to really gauge their ages. E walks and kind of talks and rides an even tinier bicycle around the complex. Her bicycle has training wheels. Oh, and she screams. She screams all the time.

    The youngest is J. J doesnít walk or talk. He gets pushed around in a stroller and he has a large head. Iíd say abnormally large, but I havenít really looked at that many baby heads. And hey, I had an abnormally large head when I was a baby.

    Every morning I wake to some sort of domestic fiasco. They generally start just before eight AM. One morning I heard the husband-half of a minor dispute that culminated in the man yelling back ďIím fucking changing a fucking diaper hereĒ in his The Dude voice. Another morning I heard Kís frantic shushing as he tried to calm Eís full bore crying response to whatever diabolical evil K had just committed against Eís person.

    This morningís players were K and his mom. Mom was going on and on about pee all over the toilet. About how K needs to pee when he first realizes he has to go instead of waiting until the very last minute. The next time you pee in your pants you are going to get spanked. Stop laughing K, this isnít funny. Iím serious, if you pee in your pants youíre getting a spanking. Stop laughing K or youíre getting a spanking.

    Fucking K, he canít do anything right. Heís always touching things he shouldnít be touching (K DONíT TOUCH THAT) or going places heís not supposed to go (K GET BACK HERE.)

    Some mornings I wonder how these two fit into the range of parenting quality. Are they below average? I know they arenít anywhere near as horrible as my last neighbors.

    Most mornings I thank god for condoms.


By spunky on Wednesday, August 13, 2003 - 03:20 pm:

    just popped in to say Hi Nate!


By sarah on Wednesday, August 13, 2003 - 04:29 pm:


    you have, of course, seen this, right?




By spunky on Wednesday, August 13, 2003 - 04:42 pm:

    holy crap!

    I think that was Christopher!


By eri on Wednesday, August 13, 2003 - 04:55 pm:

    Honey, S sent me that one a long time ago....I thought you had seen it.....I thought it looked more like Jett than Christopher, but Christopher is headed in that general direction, definately.

    Nate, good luck with the new neighbors.


By Hal on Wednesday, August 13, 2003 - 08:11 pm:

    I make prayers for the value of condoms and other measuers of birth control every day. On most days I can pick out certain individuals and say, some people should never ever breed.

    One particular example of this is Monty. How to explain Monty, is a difficult chore so I will do the best I can. Monty is about 6'4", about 400lbs, and smells, a lot. Monty is a gambler, and not in your traditional Kenny Rogers way, no he's more your addicted to the machine type. Its like a respirator for him, really sad too. On average Monty will drop about 6-7 hundred dollars a day on the machines. And usually walk away that much in the hole if not more. He has a brother too, Lori, his brother is him. Except shorter, and smells more. You'd think for people who spend so much gambling and get to drink for free they'd drink the good beer.... No, not these too, they drink Olympia. Tonight, I'll see if I can get a picture of Monty, and have TBone host it for me. So you can truly understand who I'm talking about.

    Aside from that, Monty actually has a wife, and let alone a wife, he actually produced a child. I pray that the child dies in its sleep every time I see the man.

    God forbid I ever have a child like that, I fear being my father to whatever children I would like to end up with in the future. But the problem becomes, my father did a good job. And as much as I hated it growing up, I understand it now. So I live with this question of where is the line of.... "SIT DOWN AND SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU LITTLE ASS COB." and "Calm down little one."


By agatha on Wednesday, August 13, 2003 - 11:45 pm:

    I'd say that if the guy was actually changing the diaper, they are about average in the parenting zone.

    Sometimes I wonder if I'm a horrible parent. At least I love my kid.


By spunky on Thursday, August 14, 2003 - 12:15 am:

    I have the same trouble Hal, except that it was my mom and not my dad.
    For the record, i got my conservatism from my father and his family.
    My mom, well, I told you about my mom before.
    I have trouble becaue I am afraid I will be like mom, but at the same time, I cannot let my kids walk all over me because of it.
    Nate, your neighbours sound pretty much average.
    I love the ones who say "you do that again, and I am going to spank" over and over and over again.

    One thing kids pick up on is do you keep your word?
    Do you give the rewards you promise, AND deliver the threats you handed out?


By spunky on Thursday, August 14, 2003 - 12:15 am:

    one last thing:
    the thought of 3 gives me the shivers


By Lapis on Thursday, August 14, 2003 - 01:56 am:

    Today two different people though I was telling them that I was having a baby.

    No way.

    If I get pregnant anytime in the current forseeable future I will immediately make an appointment for an abortion. I'd probably make a horrible mom.


By Nate on Thursday, August 14, 2003 - 02:28 am:

    you might avoid sex if you can't handle a child.

    or you might not, liberated woman.


By Lapis on Thursday, August 14, 2003 - 06:44 am:

    Thank god for hormones, chemicals, latex barriers and surgical procedures.

    "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free!"

    He lifts his lamp inside the golden door.


By Nate on Thursday, August 14, 2003 - 12:44 pm:

    i hope abortion isn't as simple in your mind as you make it seem. like some sort of assisted menstration.

    not that i think you should be freaked out whenever someone lifts his lamp inside your golden door. just be careful in judgements of spirit where arrogance of self might be involved.

    which i say not as a judgement of you, because i have no basis from which any such judgement would rise. much less, any desire to judge you. all i know is where i've stumbled in the past.


By patrick on Thursday, August 14, 2003 - 12:57 pm:

    he speaketh wisely pez pez.



    and Hal.


    just about every thread you evoke some sort of violent thought, whether literal or not.

    and you say you're not volatile.

    pshaw you!


By Hal on Thursday, August 14, 2003 - 01:05 pm:

    No one said I'm not volatile... I think.

    I said I'm not violent, which I'm not. That doesn't mean I'm not volatile.


By patrick on Thursday, August 14, 2003 - 01:24 pm:

    yes.

    you did.

    shall i go quote you.

    "im not volatile"


By Hal on Thursday, August 14, 2003 - 01:38 pm:

    Holy Flaming Cockspit....

    Fine, whatever, I'm volatile, non violent, and frankly I'm begining to care less and less.

    Fucking AssBurgers.


By patrick on Thursday, August 14, 2003 - 01:59 pm:

    Are you threatening me?

    I got backup chump.


By Spider on Thursday, August 14, 2003 - 02:32 pm:

    That girl's got some cheeks!


By Nate on Thursday, August 14, 2003 - 02:53 pm:

    patrick, the don't mess with texas shirt is ...

    i don't know. contextually hillarious?


By patrick on Thursday, August 14, 2003 - 03:21 pm:

    kitche?
    ironic?



    my friend got the shirt it recently on his cross country drive.

    spider.


    her cheeks rule you cant stop kissing them.


By spunky on Thursday, August 14, 2003 - 03:43 pm:

    i love the look on her face.
    gawd, that *ALMOST* makes me want another baby.
    Thank god that is impossible.


By eri on Thursday, August 14, 2003 - 04:01 pm:

    I hear that, second the no more kids. She is so adorable, though. I found the shirt ironic and funny.

    I am going to have to send out some officical "Texas" touristy clothes for her just cuz I can......though they are all freakisly hillarious.


By semillama on Thursday, August 14, 2003 - 04:53 pm:

    I too got the joke.


By Nate on Thursday, August 14, 2003 - 06:01 pm:

    for the record i got the joke too.

    since it seems important to point that out.

    fuckers.

    i just thought it was particularly good.


By TBone on Thursday, August 14, 2003 - 06:06 pm:

    The joke got me.


By patrick on Thursday, August 14, 2003 - 06:11 pm:

    joke?


    is there something other than the obvious?

    i DO overthink things...so you know....maybe this is one of those times.

    but other than the kitche value a baby wearing such a silly shirt and the fact that her parents are so anti-Bush and all am I missing something?


By patrick on Thursday, August 14, 2003 - 06:12 pm:

    oh wait.

    my conversation about volatility with hal and the fact that this thread was started under the guise of birth control...

    theres something in there somewhere.


By TBone on Thursday, August 14, 2003 - 06:21 pm:

    It's patrick! Patrick's the joke!

    .
    .
    ...right?


By Nate on Thursday, August 14, 2003 - 06:25 pm:

    ok, to further clarify the record, i got _a_ joke.

    further, i no longer have any idea what anyone is talking about.


By TBone on Thursday, August 14, 2003 - 06:30 pm:

    Now it's Nate!
    .
    .
    Who's next?


By Lapis on Thursday, August 14, 2003 - 06:30 pm:

    No.

    I do not think of abortion so simply as that. It's a last resort, really. A hundred years ago, early pregnancy was spoken of as blocked menses. Here's two reasons why I do not take it so lightly:
    (1) It's expensive.
    (2) It may very well leave emotional scars.

    I am careful. Mostly I sleep alone anyhow, I prefer it that way because if I can't even stand to talk to a person then why on earth would I want them touching my body?



    Eva in that shirt is adorable. There's no other word for it.


By Hal on Friday, August 15, 2003 - 12:32 am:

    True, and I would hate to have to smother that baby in BBQ sauce.


By Lapis on Friday, August 15, 2003 - 12:52 am:

    (3) Cannabalism just isn't culturally acceptable in most areas.


By semillama on Friday, August 15, 2003 - 10:40 am:

    4) You are assuming that Hal is human.


By TBone on Friday, August 15, 2003 - 10:57 am:

    A dangerous assumption indeed.


By Hal on Friday, August 15, 2003 - 11:22 am:

    Very Dangerous.


By semillama on Friday, August 15, 2003 - 12:19 pm:

    I think Hal is actually a Grue.


By Hal on Friday, August 15, 2003 - 01:09 pm:

    Ok now thats just low.


By eri on Friday, August 15, 2003 - 01:20 pm:

    Don't let it get to you Hal.....I know it isn't worth much, but I still love ya man!


By Hal on Friday, August 15, 2003 - 01:28 pm:

    But.. but... but...butt...

    He called me a grue.

    I love you to eri.


By J on Friday, August 15, 2003 - 03:09 pm:


By spunky on Friday, August 15, 2003 - 03:44 pm:

    eri told me about these the other night.
    Now I want one.


By Nate on Friday, August 15, 2003 - 03:59 pm:

    i don't even want to know how that conversation started.


By J on Friday, August 15, 2003 - 05:01 pm:

    I've heard of those before,I hear they make great pets and they are soooo cute,if anyone would, czarina probably has one.


By eri on Friday, August 15, 2003 - 05:23 pm:

    I have been talking about sugar gliders for years, but he is just now catching on. Ugh. I don't want any more pets....


By eri on Friday, August 15, 2003 - 05:24 pm:

    I have been talking about sugar gliders for years, but he is just now catching on. Ugh. I don't want any more pets....


By patrick on Friday, August 15, 2003 - 05:29 pm:

    "I have been talking about sugar gliders for years, but he is just now catching on."


    obviously he's caught on at least twice in the past.


By spunky on Friday, August 15, 2003 - 05:33 pm:

    oh ha ha


By eri on Friday, August 15, 2003 - 07:36 pm:

    Patrick, in that regard, I don't wait for him to catch on, I just climb on :)


By Hal on Friday, August 15, 2003 - 09:25 pm:

    Play on the phobia...


By Lapis on Saturday, August 16, 2003 - 07:55 am:

    You know you love how they notice.

    I just finished drinking with the boyfriend of my friend that has my name and looks like me but is not the same person. That doesn't make much sense but he was very nice and walke me home when everyone else fell asleep which is sad because one of them it seems is me except he is a boy. Because he wears orange shirts, sings 99 Luftballoons, has horns, carries a sketchbook everywhere and is named Benjamin. My name that I decided two years ago that if I were boy I'd be Benjamin so it feels like this boy is my secret twin and we should be best friends. He doesn't know that and so it is sad.

    Does that make sense?


By spunky on Saturday, August 16, 2003 - 09:42 am:

    it does.
    but I am going on 4 hours of sleep, so that might explain it.
    :)


By Hal on Saturday, August 16, 2003 - 10:36 am:

    I swear to god if I ever have a little girl, I'm going to name her Ed.


By patrick on Sunday, August 17, 2003 - 12:55 pm:

    havent you ever heard Johnny Cash's fabled song Boy Named Sue.

    didnt you learn anything hal?


By Lapis on Sunday, August 17, 2003 - 11:42 pm:

    I'm tempted to try that one. I sang 9 to 5 last night.


By moonit on Monday, August 18, 2003 - 01:27 am:

    Edwina.


By Hal on Monday, August 18, 2003 - 10:35 am:

    No...

    Just Ed.


By TBone on Monday, August 18, 2003 - 11:51 am:

    Like in Cowboy Bebop?


By Hal on Monday, August 18, 2003 - 12:35 pm:

    Something like that.


By J on Monday, January 5, 2004 - 11:46 am:

    I was given two male sugar glider brothers yesterday,I haven't even touched them yet,I'm letting them get used to me.They are sooo cute.A man that works with my s/o was talking about how his daughter's boyfriend breeds them and s/o says I've talked about getting one forever and next thing I know I have two which is better for them as they are very social.I'm trying to come up with some names here,Thing One and Thing Two,Sigfried and Roy,Chip and Dale?Any ideas?


By eri on Monday, January 5, 2004 - 12:07 pm:

    You can't forget Merry and Pippin :)


By sarah on Monday, January 5, 2004 - 01:40 pm:

    how about Cous and Cous?




By Lapis on Monday, January 5, 2004 - 04:14 pm:

    How about Beet and Cane (great double meanings)? Though Thing One and Thing Two would be great as well.

    You could get a third and name them Rock, Paper and Scissors.

    I once read of a woman who had two Siamese cats. The male was named Hey, You! and the female Who, Me?.


By J on Wednesday, January 7, 2004 - 05:04 pm:

    One of them is getting used to me and will let me pet him,the other one wants no part of me.For such little critters they sure eat alot,yesterday I gave them chicken breast kiwi,grapes,tomatoes,pear,they ate it all.I'm thinking Gizmo and Gonzo today,tomorrow who knows.


By J on Thursday, February 5, 2004 - 12:29 am:

    These critters are the poopinest things I ever saw and they have very sharp teeth. OWWWW!!!


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