Freebie advice from an IT professional Words: Freebie advice from an IT professional

By Bastard Operator from Hell BOFH on Thursday, December 12, 2002 - 10:09 am:

    For you non-IT-types out there, for those of you who find yourselves at the mercy of the geeks, think about the following the next time you think it's a good idea to take your holiday-time frustration out on your IT professional:

    You're most likely the problem, not your computer.

    We don't want to hear about how hard you think it is to remember passwords. Guess what, asshole: Your IT professional is probably remembering anywhere from 50-100 passwords at a time. Most of these passwords are the users' because they're not interested any taking any responsibility of remembering their own password, which is cause for pause because 90 percent of users' passwords are their significant other's name or one of their kid's names. In the case of the single people, the password is 'Fluffy' or 'Max2000' because pets' names are always in fashion. If you can't remember the name of the most important being in your life, I've got no sympathy for you, jackass.

    IT professionals are not paid to change paper in printers. Ask me to change the paper in the printer again, and I'll tell you to enjoy that trip to hell. You can wait down there for the ice-skating to begin while you wait for me to change the paper in the printer.

    When you drop your company-issued laptop, or lose it, don't approach your IT professional with some bullshit argument that basically says you wouldn't have lost the laptop if you hadn't been issued the laptop by the company in the first place. That story will start to wash just as soon as you and the penguins begin working on your paired figure-eights in hell.

    Oh, you're getting SPAM. That's a shame. A damn shame. You might want to consider that your company e-mail account is NOT set up so that Granny Lardass in Tacoma can send you that "really funny forward" for the 900th time and furthermore, your company-owned e-mail account isn't set up so that you can run your Beanie Baby Empire on eBay. And if you're using your company e-mail account when signing up for those "free giveaways" and forwarding those "really funny forwards," guess what, genius: you're setting yourself up for SPAM and if you don't read the two-page document that instructs you on how to set up filters in Outlook, I don't care.

    It's probably not a good idea to address your IT professional as "Hey, you!" It's highly likely that we have caller ID on our desk phones and all of our cell phones, and it's even more likely that we'll never take your call again.

    Other things to consider when conversing with your IT professional:

    Your IT professional, in this case, me, doesn't give a good goddamn that your piece-of-shit-Radioshack-inspired printer AT HOME doesn't work. Period. So don't talk to us about it.

    If your daughter has "met" someone named ManPie on the 'Net, someone who you think to be an Internet predator, you may want to check out some parenting classes, as opposed to giving your IT professional, or in this case me your bullshit hand-wringing woe-is-me story when I'm trying to make a decent cup of coffee out of the monkey piss that is in the break room.

    Having problems with that AOL account at home? I don't care. Your IT professional doesn't care. So, please, just shut the fuck up!

    Dude, gettin' yourself a Dell? I don't care. Your IT professional doesn't care. So, again, please, just shut the fuck up!

    All this is just to say, cultivate a relationship with your IT professional by treating him or her with a little respect and some common courtesy. And keep your technical problems at home exactly that at home. Oh, and above all, never, but never, park in your IT professional's reserved parking space especially when he, or in this case she has to tote around 70 pounds of gear just so your sorry ass can do your mediocre job.

By patrick on Thursday, December 12, 2002 - 11:45 am:

    suck a dick

By Iggy on Thursday, December 12, 2002 - 01:19 pm:

    just take the paper out of the printer bitch.
    and shine my shoes while you are it..and be quick about it ho!

By patrick on Thursday, December 12, 2002 - 01:26 pm:

    "cultivate a relationship with your IT professional by treating him or her with a little respect and some common courtesy."

    hey dickhead, maybe people ARE trying to cultivate a friendship by talking about something you obviously are interested in....technical shit.


    But you exemplify a stereotypical personality of an asshole IT guy...a cranky sumvabitch with no people-skills whatso ever and more than likely leads a life of alienation, vast internet porn and taco bell who fools himself into some sort D&D inspired fantasy that the rest of us non-IT types are actually dependent on you.

By spunky on Thursday, December 12, 2002 - 01:58 pm:

By J on Thursday, December 12, 2002 - 11:31 pm:

    I love a shithead.

By Dougie on Thursday, December 12, 2002 - 11:49 pm:

    "cultivate a relationship with your IT professional by treating him or her with a little respect and some common courtesy."

    I think what he's saying is, when we're at lunch having a conversation about anything BUT computers, don't interrupt everyone to tell me you can't get your digital camera to download to your PC, and what do I think the problem might be?. C'est tout.

By dave. on Friday, December 13, 2002 - 12:13 am:


    that's my struggle with being an official "computer guy". i hate the snobby arrogance. i do not want to have to work with those fucking bitchy fucks. besides, i couldn't give a gram of shit about security and licensing. fucking mcse mill dickwads.

By patrick on Friday, December 13, 2002 - 11:43 am:

    well dougie its human nature to try and find common ground.

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