Felt like you had the weight of the world on your shoulders?

sorabji.com: Have you ever...: Felt like you had the weight of the world on your shoulders?

By eri on Thursday, June 14, 2007 - 06:06 pm:

    I know it sounds like a huge exaggeration, but sometimes it just feels like that. Like you're the one holding up the planet and bearing the weight of the entire world....or at least the future of the entire world.

    I'm not trying to be a drama queen, though I'm sure it is coming off that way.

    It all goes to other people's drama and problems (and I guess being part of that is part of moving back home where everyone is), but sometimes it is just so overwhelming.

    I mean, I absolutely fell in love with Christine (afore mentioned child we plan to adopt). She's 14 years old and has been in the system for 10 years. She's an average student which is good concidering her circumstances, an acolyte at her church, into rock music, scary movies, clothes and hair and all that girly stuff. She's very engaging to talk to. She's very helpful. She leaves the bedroom a disaster. Just a normal teenager. Her foster family was HOURS late picking her up from the party cuz they were at a family reunion and she wasn't family. One of her foster sisters is into drugs and violence and such and she's miserable being stuck with her all day.

    She's obviously on my list of kids to take in and help.

    My cousin L (aka my evil twin) is sending her daugher out here for a few weeks this summer (which is cool) and then once the estate in Cali is settled they will be moving in with us for a while (until she gets a job and a place here). It's a lot of work getting the place ready, but I am so excited about her being close to me again (mileage and all that). We always dreamed of raising our daughters together and hopefully soon we will be able to.

    Then there is this job search that is taking forever. "You're the perfect candidate" "You have been submitted" "We're just waiting for the call back". Not to mention the thanks but no thanks letters in the mail. Ugh. I've been at this for 2 and a half months and I only do secretarial work, clerical work. Good thing I don't specialize in one field or I'd really be hosed......though I do have one interview tomorrow that I have a feeling will go well. We'll see.

    Now I have this friend JP. JP is separated with two kids. His kids have been with their Mom. She's mentally ill with a disease that most people don't live past the age of 33, and she's 31 and has attempted suicide numerous times. The kids have been with her and her family, cuz he feels like she doesn't have much time left and wants the girls to have as much time as possible with her. He's a truck driver and on the road a lot of days and hasn't been able to find a job that would have him home on evenings and weekends and such, to be there with and for the kids.

    Now his wife/ex/whatever is in the hospital. Another suicide attempt. And apparently she hurt the girls. The youngest girl "hasn't been the same since". I don't have the details yet.

    JP has called me twice about this (normally he just mentions it when he drops by and doesn't pick up the phone). The last time he called he said he wanted to come over so "we could talk". He said he doesn't really have any friends to talk to out here.

    I'm scared he's gonna want me to take his girls for a while. I could be wrong. He might just want someone to talk to, but he has lots of friends out here, friends that he has had as long as I have known him (like 16 years now I think?). I dunno.

    This would be the 2nd time that something has happened to those girls and he made it clear that they can never go back to their mother (a big step but a necessary one). He's worried about not being able to find a job that keeps him here quick enough.

    I'm seriously afraid he might ask me to take his girls. They are good enough kids, but I'm trying to get back to work (we really could use the cash right now). They are both young and would both have to be in full time daycare if I did work. An extra $800 a month at least out here for two kids in daycare. Ugh.

    And don't even get me started on my sister, her kids, her divorce, her ex and that clusterfuck of a situation.......

    So I want to help the kids. The adults are grown up and need to fix their own shit, and some of them are working on it and I don't mind helping, but there is so much on my plate. I wanna help the kids, I wanna save the world, but I am only one woman.

By sarah on Friday, June 15, 2007 - 01:05 pm:

    wow, that IS a lot to deal with.

    but eri, you need to put your family first.

    for your friend you can be supportive, but there are social workers and state services available to him and his two kids.

    you can't take care of everyone else's problems. you can help and be a good friend, good cousin. but you and your family have to come first.

    what does Trace think of all of this?

By eri on Saturday, June 23, 2007 - 02:49 am:

    Sorry it took me so long to get back. It's been crazy.

    So the friend J was looking for ideas on places to live, jobs to get, daycares to find, stuff like that.

    Apparently his ex tried to drown the girls before she went back into the hospital. So, since he is currently out of work, the day after the girls had to face her, we took them to a safe water park to play in, so that they could start developing the feeling of trust in certain circumstances. It took about 30 minutes but we had both girls in the water playing with Micki and Hayley and baby Matty (my sisters son). So he is just looking for help sorting out details and then will need help with stuff (furniture, dishes, shit like that). Not as bad as we thought.

    My sister is totally into him so we hardly get to talk cuz she's always in his face and it drives us both crazy, but it is what it is.

    Tomorrow we are taking all the kids (my sister has both boys this weekend) out to the water park and then we're going to have a big bbq.

    The girl we were concidering adopting, well, I'm getting to know her foster parents and her situation well. She does not need a home. She has one with her foster family as long as she needs it and I'm concidered an auntie. Mom wants her to come over as often as possible cuz she has never had a chance to develop social skills around other kids and now that she is relaxing around us you can definitely see it. She has a lot of work, but we're part of the process to help her. Her foster parents are hoping that with the help of friends and aunties and others that she will be the first in their history not to go out into the world and make the parents mistakes.

    My sister and her soon to be ex look like they have finally come to a reasonable custody agreement, and if all the papers get signed this nightmare should be over on Tuesday....we'll see if they live up to their word or if it is all smoke again. I've decided to let it go. I have given all the help I can and I am done with the whole situation.

    I'm still out of work and have been going to interviews like MAD this week, but nothing is panning out. I know it isn't anything major that I am doing and that my "I could've done this better" stuff is the same hindsight we all go thru after interviews, so I am thinking there is some bigger plan meant for me, but I am just not seeing it yet. Only time will tell and guide me, but still, I wouldn't mind that road map right now.

    My mom is back in the hospital again. She will most likely need some more surgery to correct more of the problems from when the idiot doctor put her back together wrong and fucked her up (excuse my french but I'm so wishing I had enough dirt for a lawsuit right now). But she's going to have to go through this hospital visit before we can even dig into helping her for real now, so we went one step forward to take 10 steps back. It's frustrating, but again, it is what it is.

    My cousin L's move is delayed. The guy who was buying the house to settle the estate pulled out, and the woman whom she is renting from has terminal lung cancer, so that's all in the air. I hate that, and wish I had her here and was able to get this started for her. She needs the change, but life has it's own plan, not mine.

    Trace is doing OK with most of this, cuz he gets to sit back and chill a little and focus on his work more, but it still bugs him some. Especially the social stuff we set up on the weekends. We've been so busy and right now he just wants to sleep in (which he will do tomorrow morning). He just wants to relax, but his stress level is going down SOME.

    I just wish I could help him out more (particularly on the financial side), but that is just not the plan right now for some reason.

    Things are evening out a little more, but there is still tons of work ahead. Work, heartache, pain, love, and all the other insane little things that make life.

    I need to stop complaining so much I think. I have a great husband, happy marriage, two healthy kids, a cute little old house to live in, food on the table, and family and friends around me. I'm a lucky girl, a really lucky girl........


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