Under My Skin

sorabji.com: What do you want?: Under My Skin

By Gee on Tuesday, October 4, 2005 - 03:08 pm:

    Hi folks, how's it going?

    I am here to complain. I am fucked. I am tired and I am frustrated and I'm not AT ALL sure what I'm doing anymore.

    it's hard for me to trust people. I have been left by too many people who were supposed to love me, and that makes it very difficult for me to believe people when they say the words. It's not that I think they are lying, it's just that I figure once they really get to know me they will see how crazy I am and not want to be around me. I expect everyone who tries to get close to me to eventually leave, because that is what usually happens.

    Ron is the only one I really trust, but even with him I can feel myself faltering. I guess I am going through a bad patch of being rejected and left and I am not dealing with it very well. I'm thinking it might be time for me to seek professional help, since some of the thoughts I've been having lately have been a little scary.

    I was in love, and it sucked. I hated feeling that way. So I (finally!) confessed my feelings so that I could get over them. I didn't do it because I expected them to be in any way returned, but because getting them out in the open was the only thing left for me to try in order to get over it.

    he took it well. and then he took advantage of me. I accept responsibility for my part in it - I wanted to do it. but he gave me what I really wanted, and then took it away again. that just seems cruel.

    then, a while later, I met another guy. I wanted to be friends with him, and I admit to being attracted to him. I knew who I was really in love with, and I made it clear to him. He told me he loved me (as a friend) and would never leave me. he told me continually how wonderful I was, and did sweet and surprising things to make me feel cared about and appreaciated. And because I was attracted to him, and I thought we both understood the situation, I wanted to be closer to him.

    and then he stopped talking to me. And I found out from a mutual friend that he had lied to me about certain things. I am in shock at how badly I misjudged this person, and I can't even begin to think about what I did to deserve this treatment.

    I know. Everyone gets this sometimes. I am not special. I am certainly not the first girl to be used and dumped. But it still hurts. Especially when it happens twice in such a short time. Especially when it's so fucking hard to trust anyone, and someone knows that and uses it and makes it even harder.

    now there is another person. Just a friend. But someone I would like to be good friends with. Only I'm too scared. Everytime I start to get close, I freak out and do something to push this person away. I know I'm doing it, but I don't know how to stop.

    And I think to myself that I can't trust anyone - I can't get close to anyone ever again. and I wonder what kind of life is that, never being close to anyone ever again? And the logical conclusion seems to be that there's no point in continuing this charade if I can never be close to anyone ever again. And that's when it gets scary.

    the hardest part comes when there's no one you can talk to because you don't trust anyone enough to let them know how much it hurts. And you can't imagin ever trusting anyone that much. I'm still trying, but it just seems to be getting harder and harder.

    Anyway. Miss you guys! xoxo

By semillama on Tuesday, October 4, 2005 - 05:54 pm:

    Gee, I think you have already convinced your self to go see someone, so I won't tell you to do it. it's a good idea.

    Sorry to hear about your love life. If it's any consolation, I've felt the same way several times in my life, and yet here I am a little over 20 months away from getting hitched. there's hope.

By Antigone on Tuesday, October 4, 2005 - 10:47 pm:

    If it's any consolation, we all love ya BECAUSE you're crazy. So there.

    And, you know what I learned about my love instincts?

    They suck.

    For my whole life I was attracted to people who were bad for me and pushed away those who were good. Things only turned around when I gained enough confidence to doubt myself in a healthy way and ditch my instincts. That and a bit of luck landed me where I am now, with a great woman I actually dumped six years ago. How fucked up is that?

    So, leave the relationship game for a while. Fill yourself up with other things. Then you can go back to it, not someone who needs it, but someone who just wants it. Walk away. That's not bullshit platitudes, really.


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